Vaibhav Anand's Blog, page 15
January 11, 2015
Scientists develop vaccine that allows people to enjoy Sajid Khan’s movies
Can we just euthanize Mr. Khan?
Bangalore: A team of scientists, working on a government grant, has developed a vaccine that allows people to enjoy Sajid Khan’s movies, after almost a decade of research. Research on the vaccine started as soon as Mr. Khan displayed his now famous infamous skill of making terrible movies.
“We started working on the vaccine right after the first ‘Houseful’ was released,” Dr. Basu Chatterjee, a senior scientist at IISc Bangalore said. “We used findings from the Mangalyaan mission to fine tune the vaccine as well. Basically we found one scientist on the Mangalyaan mission, who got so drunk that he no longer cared whether Mangalyaan went to Mars or the Sun or crashed in the Indian Ocean. That was our biggest finding.”
“The vaccine is a mixture of rum, gin, vodka and whiskey,” Dr. Chatterjee said. “No, no… it is not the same as Long Iceland Iced Tea,” he said, reacting to a question from this reporter. “Do not ridicule our research… it took years of hard work and erm… drinking to fine tune this vaccine. Also, L. I. T. does not have whiskey. So you are wrong.”
“Now everyone can enjoy Sajid Khan’s movies,” Dr. Chatterjee concluded.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/scientists-develop-vaccine-that-allows-people-to-enjoy-sajid-khans-movies/
Bangalore: A team of scientists, working on a government grant, has developed a vaccine that allows people to enjoy Sajid Khan’s movies, after almost a decade of research. Research on the vaccine started as soon as Mr. Khan displayed his now famous infamous skill of making terrible movies.“We started working on the vaccine right after the first ‘Houseful’ was released,” Dr. Basu Chatterjee, a senior scientist at IISc Bangalore said. “We used findings from the Mangalyaan mission to fine tune the vaccine as well. Basically we found one scientist on the Mangalyaan mission, who got so drunk that he no longer cared whether Mangalyaan went to Mars or the Sun or crashed in the Indian Ocean. That was our biggest finding.”
“The vaccine is a mixture of rum, gin, vodka and whiskey,” Dr. Chatterjee said. “No, no… it is not the same as Long Iceland Iced Tea,” he said, reacting to a question from this reporter. “Do not ridicule our research… it took years of hard work and erm… drinking to fine tune this vaccine. Also, L. I. T. does not have whiskey. So you are wrong.”
“Now everyone can enjoy Sajid Khan’s movies,” Dr. Chatterjee concluded.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/scientists-develop-vaccine-that-allows-people-to-enjoy-sajid-khans-movies/
Panelist unsure of what to do when given time to speak by Arnab; sings nursery rhyme on air
Never understood why Arnab Goswami ever invites people to his show... all he does is shout at them. Satire.
New Delhi: A panelist on Newshour – the show made famous by Arnab Goswami’s shrieking – was shellshocked after being given sufficient time to speak on the show. In fact, so unprepared was the panelist to speak that he ended up singing ‘Ba Ba Black Sheep’, a popular nursery rhyme, on air.
“When I got the invite to Arnab-da’s show, I thought I would get to enjoy Arnab-da shrieking at everyone in peace and at close quarters,” Prof. Basu Bhattacharjee, a psychology professor at Delhi University, said. “I was shocked when I actually got time to speak on the show… I was expecting to just sit in the studio and enjoy my glass of cold drink with cheese crackers. I had no choice but to start singing the first thing that came to my mind… in this case, ‘Ba Ba Black Sheep’.”
Sources within Times Now have apologized for the gaffe, offering that Arnab stopped “wanting to know” only because he got a call from a credit card company who he got into a lengthy verbal argument with.
“Once Mr. Goswami gets into ‘nation wants to know’ mode, it is difficult to extricate him from it,” a spokesperson for Times Now said. “As you know, during the Newshour, Mr. Goswami is exclusively in ‘nation wants to know’ mode. So, when he got the call from the credit card company, he simply kept wanting to know.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/panelist-unsure-of-what-to-do-when-given-time-to-speak-by-arnab-sings-nursery-rhyme-on-air/
New Delhi: A panelist on Newshour – the show made famous by Arnab Goswami’s shrieking – was shellshocked after being given sufficient time to speak on the show. In fact, so unprepared was the panelist to speak that he ended up singing ‘Ba Ba Black Sheep’, a popular nursery rhyme, on air.“When I got the invite to Arnab-da’s show, I thought I would get to enjoy Arnab-da shrieking at everyone in peace and at close quarters,” Prof. Basu Bhattacharjee, a psychology professor at Delhi University, said. “I was shocked when I actually got time to speak on the show… I was expecting to just sit in the studio and enjoy my glass of cold drink with cheese crackers. I had no choice but to start singing the first thing that came to my mind… in this case, ‘Ba Ba Black Sheep’.”
Sources within Times Now have apologized for the gaffe, offering that Arnab stopped “wanting to know” only because he got a call from a credit card company who he got into a lengthy verbal argument with.
“Once Mr. Goswami gets into ‘nation wants to know’ mode, it is difficult to extricate him from it,” a spokesperson for Times Now said. “As you know, during the Newshour, Mr. Goswami is exclusively in ‘nation wants to know’ mode. So, when he got the call from the credit card company, he simply kept wanting to know.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/panelist-unsure-of-what-to-do-when-given-time-to-speak-by-arnab-sings-nursery-rhyme-on-air/
January 5, 2015
Girlfriends expected to demand 15% hike in love after survey reveals expected 15% hike in salaries in 2015
Satire. Inspired by a Facebook post...
Mumbai. After a recent survey by a business daily revealed an expected 15% in salary hikes for white collar professionals in 2015, a parallel survey run by Faking News (in response to the salary survey) has revealed that girlfriends are likely to demand a similar hike in love as well.
Faking News reached out to a sample set of over thousand girlfriends, right on the heels of the salary hike survey to determine how the economic wellbeing of their love interests would impact the females of the species. A whopping 100% girlfriends stated that they would demand a commensurate hike in love as well.
“My boyfriend has been taking me to Udupi restaurants and fruit juice stalls for dates,” Priya, an angry woman stated. “Sometimes he brings a knife and salt jar from home and applies salt to the fruit he buys from the vendor, right at his stall. At the very least, with a hike, he can get me a McAloo Tikki burger… and maybe a diamond watch.”
Meanwhile, concerned boyfriends have demanded that their employers keep their hike figures a secret so as to not receive a hike in emotional blackmail as well.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/05/girlfriends-expected-to-demand-15-hike-in-love-after-survey-reveals-expected-15-hike-in-salaries-in-2015/
Mumbai. After a recent survey by a business daily revealed an expected 15% in salary hikes for white collar professionals in 2015, a parallel survey run by Faking News (in response to the salary survey) has revealed that girlfriends are likely to demand a similar hike in love as well.
Faking News reached out to a sample set of over thousand girlfriends, right on the heels of the salary hike survey to determine how the economic wellbeing of their love interests would impact the females of the species. A whopping 100% girlfriends stated that they would demand a commensurate hike in love as well.
“My boyfriend has been taking me to Udupi restaurants and fruit juice stalls for dates,” Priya, an angry woman stated. “Sometimes he brings a knife and salt jar from home and applies salt to the fruit he buys from the vendor, right at his stall. At the very least, with a hike, he can get me a McAloo Tikki burger… and maybe a diamond watch.”
Meanwhile, concerned boyfriends have demanded that their employers keep their hike figures a secret so as to not receive a hike in emotional blackmail as well.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/05/girlfriends-expected-to-demand-15-hike-in-love-after-survey-reveals-expected-15-hike-in-salaries-in-2015/
January 3, 2015
Man becomes multimillionaire by changing religion every month
Dedicated to the national stupidity that is religious conversion! Satire.
East Delhi. A man based out of Sarita Vihar has become the first man to officially become a High Networth Individual (HNI) simply by changing his religion every month.
Tadapit Kumar, an engineer by qualification, quit his job in 2010 to get into the lucrative business of religion-changing and has apparently, never looked back since.
“I started making more from ghar wapsi, qaum wapsi, masiah sharan wapsi and other reconversion functions every month that the CEO of the company I used to work in,” Tadapit said in an interview with this Faking News reporter. “So I quit my thankless job and just change religions full time now. I just got a bicycle last week for becoming a Catholic. I sold it and used the money to pay my credit card dues.”
“No I am not an opportunist,” Tadapit added. “Think of it as changing jobs. These days I am a devout Catholic. Next week I might be a devout Hindu. Also, I pay taxes on all my earnings… the nation is benefitting from my conversions. So what’s the controversy?”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/man-becomes-multimillionaire-by-changing-religion-every-month/
East Delhi. A man based out of Sarita Vihar has become the first man to officially become a High Networth Individual (HNI) simply by changing his religion every month.
Tadapit Kumar, an engineer by qualification, quit his job in 2010 to get into the lucrative business of religion-changing and has apparently, never looked back since.
“I started making more from ghar wapsi, qaum wapsi, masiah sharan wapsi and other reconversion functions every month that the CEO of the company I used to work in,” Tadapit said in an interview with this Faking News reporter. “So I quit my thankless job and just change religions full time now. I just got a bicycle last week for becoming a Catholic. I sold it and used the money to pay my credit card dues.”
“No I am not an opportunist,” Tadapit added. “Think of it as changing jobs. These days I am a devout Catholic. Next week I might be a devout Hindu. Also, I pay taxes on all my earnings… the nation is benefitting from my conversions. So what’s the controversy?”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/man-becomes-multimillionaire-by-changing-religion-every-month/
Unable to log in to Facebook to post photos, couple call off their honeymoon
Satire...
Paris/ Delhi: A South Delhi based newly married couple called off their honeymoon in Paris, after they were unable to post their photos, selfies and videos on Facebook. Apparently, the Facebook app on both their iPhones crashed, causing their marital bliss to turn sour. The couple checked out of their hotel and caught an early flight home after the incident.
“Facebook was down for six whole days and we could not post a single pic that we took,” Maakhan Singh, the groom said. “We took hundreds of selfies and photos of us holding up or pushing against historical monuments from a distance that took twenty to thirty minutes to get right. You had to work to get the right camera angle so that it looked like either my wife, Malai or I were holding up the Eiffel Tower with two of our fingers. And when none of those photos or videos could be posted on social media, we decided to return home… there was no point of continuing with the honeymoon.”
“On the way back, we also agreed to divorce in case Facebook didn’t work at all – if somehow the company had decided to shut down,” Malai Kaur, the bride in question, said. “It is still not working on our phones or Makhan’s iPad.”
“We have notified our lawyers,” Ms. Malai concluded.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/03/unable-to-log-in-to-facebook-to-post-photos-couple-call-off-their-honeymoon/
Paris/ Delhi: A South Delhi based newly married couple called off their honeymoon in Paris, after they were unable to post their photos, selfies and videos on Facebook. Apparently, the Facebook app on both their iPhones crashed, causing their marital bliss to turn sour. The couple checked out of their hotel and caught an early flight home after the incident.
“Facebook was down for six whole days and we could not post a single pic that we took,” Maakhan Singh, the groom said. “We took hundreds of selfies and photos of us holding up or pushing against historical monuments from a distance that took twenty to thirty minutes to get right. You had to work to get the right camera angle so that it looked like either my wife, Malai or I were holding up the Eiffel Tower with two of our fingers. And when none of those photos or videos could be posted on social media, we decided to return home… there was no point of continuing with the honeymoon.”
“On the way back, we also agreed to divorce in case Facebook didn’t work at all – if somehow the company had decided to shut down,” Malai Kaur, the bride in question, said. “It is still not working on our phones or Makhan’s iPad.”
“We have notified our lawyers,” Ms. Malai concluded.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/03/unable-to-log-in-to-facebook-to-post-photos-couple-call-off-their-honeymoon/
January 2, 2015
Unable to find new scams in the last few months, Kejriwal encourages Delhiites to commit new scams so that he can uncover them
Quite a fall it has been for Mr. Kejriwal... Satire.
Delhi: Speaking at a pre election rally at Jantar Mantar, Arvind Kejriwal today encouraged Delhiites to commit a few new scams so that he and his party may be able to uncover them. Kejriwal announced that ever since the General Elections had ended, he had been unable to uncover any new scams and was therefore growing increasingly bored and disillusioned with politics.
“We have been unable to find and uncover new scams in the last six months,” Kejriwal said, amid loud cheering from the attendees of his rally. “And I know that is the primary reasons we have not been able to provide you any more entertainment. The primary job of any political party is to entertain the masses; so we have failed on that count. I sincerely apologize.”
“But AAP needs to find scams to be a political party as without scams, there can be no anti corruption movement,” Kejriwal added. “So go ahead bribe a police officer or MLA or MP or steal some money for yourself. Scam nahin to hum nahin.”
“Bhaiyyon aur behnon, yeh scams ka no hona bhi shayad ek scam ho sakta hai,” Arvind Kejriwal concluded. “Ismein Reliance ka haath hai.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/02/unable-to-find-new-scams-in-the-last-few-months-kejriwal-encourages-delhiites-to-commit-new-scams-so-that-he-can-uncover-them/
Delhi: Speaking at a pre election rally at Jantar Mantar, Arvind Kejriwal today encouraged Delhiites to commit a few new scams so that he and his party may be able to uncover them. Kejriwal announced that ever since the General Elections had ended, he had been unable to uncover any new scams and was therefore growing increasingly bored and disillusioned with politics.“We have been unable to find and uncover new scams in the last six months,” Kejriwal said, amid loud cheering from the attendees of his rally. “And I know that is the primary reasons we have not been able to provide you any more entertainment. The primary job of any political party is to entertain the masses; so we have failed on that count. I sincerely apologize.”
“But AAP needs to find scams to be a political party as without scams, there can be no anti corruption movement,” Kejriwal added. “So go ahead bribe a police officer or MLA or MP or steal some money for yourself. Scam nahin to hum nahin.”
“Bhaiyyon aur behnon, yeh scams ka no hona bhi shayad ek scam ho sakta hai,” Arvind Kejriwal concluded. “Ismein Reliance ka haath hai.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/02/unable-to-find-new-scams-in-the-last-few-months-kejriwal-encourages-delhiites-to-commit-new-scams-so-that-he-can-uncover-them/
December 29, 2014
Newshour panelists offered complimentary entry into IIMs after going through 100s of pointless GDs
I have never quite understood the point of Arnab Goswami's show. He doesn't let anyone except people in his own studio speak!Satire.Ahmedabad/ Bangalore/ Kolkata: The admission boards of IIMs have extended complimentary admission invites to regular visitors to ‘The Newshour’ – the TV show dominated moderated by Arnab Goswami.Regular attendees of Arnab Goswami’s show – most of them spokespersons of political parties or eminent Bollywood personalities – woke up today to find acceptance letters from the three IIMs in their mail boxes.
“It is fascism by Modi government.”“Today I got acceptance of admission letters from three IIMs without even applying,” Sanjay Jha said, in an exclusive telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter. “No, I do not know why I got them. It could be another attempt by Smriti Irani to ruin autonomous educational institutes. I will raise this issue in The Newshour tonight.”“Yes yes, we are trying to simplify our admission procedures,” Prof. R. Kumara Prasad, Dean of admissions at IIM Ahmedabad said, “So if someone has already gone through a trauma as bad as a three hour long written exam, a Group Discussion with a pack of desperadoes and an interview with professors trying desperately to prove that they are still relevant despite being on the wrong side of sixty, we are going to offer admission to them.”“In fact, if someone has gone through both The Newshour and Frankly Speaking with Arnab – without suffering a nervous breakdown – we are proposing to offer them an honorary MBA directly,” Prof. Prasad added.http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/newshour-panelists-offered-complimentary-entry-into-iims-after-going-through-100s-of-pointless-gds/
“It is fascism by Modi government.”“Today I got acceptance of admission letters from three IIMs without even applying,” Sanjay Jha said, in an exclusive telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter. “No, I do not know why I got them. It could be another attempt by Smriti Irani to ruin autonomous educational institutes. I will raise this issue in The Newshour tonight.”“Yes yes, we are trying to simplify our admission procedures,” Prof. R. Kumara Prasad, Dean of admissions at IIM Ahmedabad said, “So if someone has already gone through a trauma as bad as a three hour long written exam, a Group Discussion with a pack of desperadoes and an interview with professors trying desperately to prove that they are still relevant despite being on the wrong side of sixty, we are going to offer admission to them.”“In fact, if someone has gone through both The Newshour and Frankly Speaking with Arnab – without suffering a nervous breakdown – we are proposing to offer them an honorary MBA directly,” Prof. Prasad added.http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/newshour-panelists-offered-complimentary-entry-into-iims-after-going-through-100s-of-pointless-gds/
December 26, 2014
Man’s voice changes from Rafi to Reshammiya after taking bath in Delhi winter
Three cheers to Delhi's awesome winters! Satire.
New Delhi. Residents of an East Delhi colony were surprised to hear the pitch of the most famous bathroom singer in their colony change abruptly as he took a bath.
The residents of Aparna Apartments, Geeta Colony were shocked as the crooning voice that used to wake them up in the morning turned out to be more on the lines of Himesh Reshammiya than Mohd. Rafi.
“We are used to being woken up by Tadapit Kumarji singing in his deep baritone as he takes a bath to get ready for work,” Ramesh Prasad, an old shopkeeper said. “But today, what woke us up was a thin nasal voice that sounded like it was facing an imaginary mic and was coming from someone wearing an unfashionable cap. The tone was so nasal that I almost did not wake up today.”
When approached for a comment, this Faking News reporter could hear Tadapit Kumar shivering through the door at his flat’s entrance. “The thing is that I actually bathed today… ever since winter started I have been entering the bathroom and singing to make my family members believe that I was bathing,” he said, amid shivers. “And while singing, I would throw the bath water down the drain. But today I had an important meeting and had to actually take bath.”
“Bhai Pakistani Taliban ek taraf aur Dilli ki sardi ek taraf,” Tadapit concluded.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/mans-voice-changes-from-rafi-to-reshammiya-after-taking-bath-in-delhi-winter/
New Delhi. Residents of an East Delhi colony were surprised to hear the pitch of the most famous bathroom singer in their colony change abruptly as he took a bath.
The residents of Aparna Apartments, Geeta Colony were shocked as the crooning voice that used to wake them up in the morning turned out to be more on the lines of Himesh Reshammiya than Mohd. Rafi.
“We are used to being woken up by Tadapit Kumarji singing in his deep baritone as he takes a bath to get ready for work,” Ramesh Prasad, an old shopkeeper said. “But today, what woke us up was a thin nasal voice that sounded like it was facing an imaginary mic and was coming from someone wearing an unfashionable cap. The tone was so nasal that I almost did not wake up today.”
When approached for a comment, this Faking News reporter could hear Tadapit Kumar shivering through the door at his flat’s entrance. “The thing is that I actually bathed today… ever since winter started I have been entering the bathroom and singing to make my family members believe that I was bathing,” he said, amid shivers. “And while singing, I would throw the bath water down the drain. But today I had an important meeting and had to actually take bath.”
“Bhai Pakistani Taliban ek taraf aur Dilli ki sardi ek taraf,” Tadapit concluded.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/mans-voice-changes-from-rafi-to-reshammiya-after-taking-bath-in-delhi-winter/
December 18, 2014
Book Review: Vengeance by George Jonas
'Vengeance' - a journalistic retelling of Mossad's elimination of terrorists involved in the Munich Olympics massacre of Israeli athletes - is a fantastic book. George Jonas takes one through a journey with his almost mythical Mossad hero "Avner" - a man who leads an eclectic team of spies as they execute the terrorists one by one.Even though the book has been made into a movie ("Munich") and a fantastic movie at that, it still deserves to be read. To me, the book was less about Israel's vengeance itself but more about the journey of "Avner" who transforms from an army man, wet behind the ears to a spy to a Mossad dropout, denied pay and recognition by the very organization he put his life at risk for. And, you have to admire Mossad's gall - like the CIA or the FBI, Mossad's mandate and expertise extended (and still extends) beyond its physical boundaries; and that is remarkable for a country the size of a thumb on the map.
Jonas has a steady writing hand; 'Vengeance' is the kind of book that will make you forget that you had to sleep, eat or go to office. Gripping and highly recommended. I dare say the book is far better than the movie.
December 16, 2014
Book Review: Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
'Slaughterhouse Five' is a semi autobiographical account of Kurt Vonnegut's life as a Prisoner of War in Dresden when it was fire bombed. The book follows the life and times and travails of Billy Pilgrim, an unlikely protagonist, who goes from optometrist to soldier and back to optometrist again.Poignant and funny in parts, the book was readable. I especially liked Vonnegut's irreverent nonchalance towards major events - built in to mirror the irreverent nonchalance of the Second World War: killing and maiming thousands here but leaving there a particular block of houses untouched somehow. The book is proclaimed a classic but there are several other far more poignant and bittersweet World War books than 'Slaughterhouse-Five'.
Had I perhaps not read 'The Book Thief' or Primo Levi's beautiful 'Survival in Auschwitz', I might have loved this book more. 'Slaughterhouse-Five' simply pales in comparison.
