Vaibhav Anand's Blog, page 23

Inspired by Priyanka Gandhi, Himmesh Reshammiya’s wife comes out to defend his acting skills

Satire.

Mumbai. Inspired by Priyanka Gandhi’s spirited defence of the Congress party and especially her husband, Himesh Reshammiya’s wife has come out in defence of his acting skills as well.

Mr. Reshammiya, who is best known for singing through his nose with his mike held at a 180 degree angle above his head, has been widely panned for his acting abilities so far.

Soon after Priyanka Gandhi announced that her husband, Robert Vadra – who had accumulated 300 crores of wealth in an amazingly short period of time through dubious methods – was completely innocent, Mrs. Reshammiya came out with a statement that Mr. Reshammiya could act, contrary to popular perception.
Himesh Reshammiya who has been consistent in delivering spectacular flops so far expressed his joy at being labelled a good actor, if only by his own wife. “Uska pyaar pyaar pyaar, hookah bar bar bar,” he said in a high pitched tone that broke the window panes of a car parked nearby.

“Vadra is innocent, Reshammiya is a good actor, Rahul Gandhi has an IQ above 100 and pigs can fly,” said Tadapit Kumar, a random person contacted by this Faking News reporter for a soundbyte. “It’s like getting a Linkedin recommendation from your best friend after promising him a treat. Bol diye to ho gaya kya?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/27/inspired-by-priyanka-gandhi-himmesh-reshammiyas-wife-comes-out-to-defend-his-acting-skills/

Book Review: Survival in Auschwitz by Primo Levi

Primo Levi’s ‘Survival in Auschwitz’ is the story of a Jew chemist who gets packed off to a concentration camp by the Nazis during World War Two. Levi describes the inner workings of the camp in great detail, explaining how he and a few others like him survived the machinations of a state intent on exterminating Jews - almost like cockroaches.
The book is gruesome in its detailing of the many tortures of the camps and yet concurrently, incredibly poetic as Levi litters his day to day stories - of survival or descriptions of the evolution of the Jew intent on surviving - with prose that is so incredibly beautiful and poetic that it reminded me of Arundhati Roy.
Levi’s version of the concentration camp tortures is not as famous as Anne Frank’s (primarily because Frank died and Levi survived the camp) but it is still essential reading to understand what mankind can stoop to. Several times in the book, while pausing to absorb the poetic beauty of Levi’s words, I would wonder why the Nazis did what they did (and why the Al Qaeda today does what it does).

The book should be and probably already is a textbook in schools. Everyone needs to understand what grave tragedies mankind is capable of inflicting and how while a man’s body might get broken, his soul can survive torture and write a book that leaves an indelible mark in someone’s head decades later.

Kejriwal threatens to expose Sunny Leone as well; Leone asks “which part?”

Kejriwal and Sunny Leone... a match made in (satire) heaven.

Varanasi: After doing pioneering work in exposing various corporate and political entities, Arvind Kejriwal today threatened to expose certain macabre machinations behind the rise of Sunny Leone as well. Speaking to reporters from Varanasi, from where he is contesting the national elections, Kejriwal said that there had been a disproportionate rise in Ms. Leone’s “assets”, ever since she joined Bollywood.

“Humein khabar mili hai kee Sunnyji kee picturon mein sab Ambani ya Adani ka paisa laga hai,” Mr. Kejriwal said. “Yeh desh ke hit mein nahin hai.”

“Prashant, Yadavji and a lot of other AAP volunteers are sitting together in a closed room and looking into this,” he added. “In fact, we saw a mad rush of people wanting to register for the Aam Admee Party when we announced that we were investigating Ms. Sunny Leone.”

Meanwhile, Google’s India servers crashed as concerned Indian citizens rushed to the internet to check how much Ms. Leone’s ‘assets’ had increased. When questioned about the development, Ms. Leone shrugged and simply asked the AAP to let her know what they wanted exposed.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/26/kejriwal-threatens-to-expose-sunny-leone-as-well-leone-asks-which-part/

Book Review: The Greatest Trade Ever by Gregory Zuckerman

Of the many books on recession history that I have read, “The Greatest Trade Ever” didn’t really stand out. My favorite book on recession is “A colossal failure of common sense” which chronicles the fall of Lehman Brothers. But, “The Greatest Trade Ever” was still an interesting enough read, managing to keep me hooked till the end.
The book is the story of how John Paulson bet big against the mortgage markets and walked away with billions of dollars. The amazing part about this story is that Paulson was a merger & acquisitions specialist hedge fund runner – with barely any clue of how the mortgage bond markets worked. But coming together with Pellegrini, the number cruncher behind Paulson’s funds’ bearish strategies, Paulson managed to deliver unprecedented gains at a time when nearly everybody was, quite literally, losing their house.
By now, I have read so many books on the 2008 recession that the names of its heroes and villains are familiar to me. For those, who pick this book up without having read anything at all about the recession, you will find it a great read; as opposed to me, who had already read the stories of Michael Burry and Greg Lippman, two to three times over and so, went through a little bit of déjà vu when I read several bits.
'The Greatest Trade Ever' is not nearly the greatest book ever on the recession. I would recommend “A colossal failure of common sense” and Michael Lewis’ “The Big Short” over Zuckerman’s effort. But standalone, the book is still eminently readable.

Book Review: Dilbert and the way of the Weasel by Scott Adams

Do not read this book if you are working in a large corporate! It will make you cynical, bitter and suspicious… It will also mean that you will connect a real life work situation to something in the book and end up laughing in a rather serious meeting (like I did). In fact, a couple of renowned Business Schools have singled out Adams’ books as important commentary on the workplace (or so the blurbs on the books say: with Adams, you are never quite sure what to take seriously and what not.)
Jokes apart, 'The way of the weasel' is a rip-roaring read from the creator of the iconic engineer Dilbert. If you have worked even a single day in your life, you will find at least fifty situations in the book that you can relate with. If you have worked a few years, the book will make you go “Oh God! This guy gets it!” I was laughing out loud, on average, once every five pages.
There is absolutely no coherence to the flow of the book but Adams is self-deprecating enough to let you ignore that. Once or twice, he jokes about his incoherence himself and you are kind enough to forgive him because the matter itself is so funny.
I am planning to read the rest of Adams’ Dilbert books soon. It will make me even more cynical but hell, anything for a good laugh.

Man remembers name of the brother of husband of wife’s best friend; felicitated with Bharat Ratna

Dedicated to my wife, who keeps retelling me who so and so friend of hers is.New Delhi: A software engineer based out of Delhi was felicitated with the Bharat Ratna by the outgoing UPA government for being capable of remembering  name of the brother of husband of wife’s best friend.The incident came to light after the wife of Tadapit Kumar – the engineer in question – posted a celebratory post on her Facebook page, alleging that Tadapit had managed to remember the name of the person in question. Shock!The post got liked by Rahul Gandhi, who was (reportedly) connecting with the youth and women on Facebook, and thereafter led to the nation’s highest honour being quickly bestowed upon her husband by Congress partymen eager to please Mr. Gandhi.“Oh my God! Oh my God! He remembered the name of Swati’s husband’s brother! In seventh heaven!” read the post which led to the Bharat Ratna.When interviewed by this Faking News reporter, Priya Kumar – the proud wife – said, rather gleefully, “Normally, he doesn’t even remember Swati’s name and asks me ‘Who is Swati?’ whenever I say I am going to meet Swati. But today he even remembered Kunal’s name! I just posted it on Facebook but had no clue it would also lead to this Bharat Ratna. Oh my God! Oh my God!”Tadapit, however, shrugged nonchalantly when asked how he had managed to remember the name in question. “I dunno… But I am happy about the Bharat Ratna. Now I’ll ask Chadhha, my boss, to finally give me a raise!”

UPA defends Manmohan Singh’s growth record; says his beard grew three times in the last ten years

The Congress' play with statistics gets desperate by the day. Satire.New Delhi: After coming under fierce criticism for corruption, inflation and poor economic growth from the BJP led NDA coalition, UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi has come out strongly in defence of the outgoing Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh. “Thank you Madam”Facing flak from several BJP leaders after revelations made in Sanjay Baru and P. C. Parakh’s books, Ms. Gandhi said that while Manmohan Singh might have been silent, he did grow several things silently in the last ten years.“Woh log kehte hain humne dus saal mein kucch nahi kiya,” Sonia Gandhi said as she read her speech, in her trademark Italian accent, sounding (as usual) as if she were reading from a sheet which had her Hindi speech written in Roman font. “Par humne bahut kuchh kiya hai.”“We have grown a lot of things in the last ten years,” Ms. Gandhi said. “Look at Dr. Manmohan Singh… Opposition says we have done no growth in the last ten years but Dr. Singh’s beard alone has grown three times in the last ten years.”“Also, Rahul can speak long political speeches very loudly now,” she added, beaming proudly. “Is that not progress?”http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/20/upa-defends-manmohan-singhs-growth-record-says-his-beard-grew-three-times-in-the-last-ten-years/

Book Review: Fermat’s last theorem by Simon Singh

I picked this book up at a used books’ store from Prithvi Theatre in Bombay, three years ago. To the best of my memory, I emptied my wallet at the bookstore, buying several old books (in decent condition)- most of which I haven’t read yet. None of this is relevant to my review of the book but it is sometimes interesting for me to muse on how the fates conspired so that I could get to read a particular book.
Fermat’s last theorem is the story of how Fermat’s deceptively simple looking problem, i.e. that xn + yn = zn has no solutions for n>2, was proven. Though the book deals with advanced mathematics, it is written in a simple language and Singh has taken adequate pains to introduce concepts as if he were speaking to a five year old. It was interesting for me to know the history behind the maths I had read in high school as also read how simple logic had become potent weapons to solve complex theorems.
Fermat was an imp. He was a closet mathematician- a government servant who would write unintelligible solutions to mathematical problems in the margins of his copy of "Arithmetica". (In fact, were it not for his son, who published his musings, we might have never known what a great mathematical mind Fermat was.) True to his nature, Fermat wrote “ I have discovered a truly marvellous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain.” mischievously instead of providing the actual proof. And thereafter, it stood unsolved, for three hundred and fifty plus years.
Singh takes one through centuries of mathematical logic – pieces of which were discovered over time – all of which came together to help Andrew Wiles solve the theorem finally in the 90’s. Even though the book is on mathematics, it is as good a page turner as a novel or a historical biography. I was hooked till the very end and even read up the annexures which had proofs of various mathematical theorems.
What intrigues me, correction – haunts me – to this day is how Fermat originally proved the theorem. Wiles’ solution relies heavily on mathematics developed only in the aftermath of World War 2 by two Japanese mathematicians – which couldn’t have been known to Fermat possibly 300 years ago.
Sublime read.

Arvind Kejriwal threatens to expose God now; claims he has enough proof

Yeh bhi hoga... soon.Delhi: After threatening to expose a vast range of politicians, businessmen, etc. Arvind Kejriwal – the de facto chief of the Aam Admee Party – has now trained his guns on a much more exalted entity, i.e. God. “Sab mile huye hain ji”Speaking from Jantar Mantar, from his bi-weekly dharna, Kejriwal said that he had found enough proof that there was immense corruption in the functioning of God and all things Godly.“We are in the process of gathering evidence and plan to expose Him soon,” Kejriwal said, amid coughs. “Prashant and Yogendra Yadavji have gathered a lot of evidence that not just all the ink and slap attacks but all acts of corruption too have been perpetrated by God Almighty Himself. Prashant has been reading a lot of religious books and they all say- jo karta hai bhagwaan hee karta hai.”“We are also planning to do a sting operation to prove this,” Kejriwal added.Meanwhile, Congress took the opportunity to pass off all the scams under its tenure on God too. “Now that Mr. Kejriwal has admitted this, we are sure the public will understand that no scams were actually perpetrated by us or our allies,” a senior Congress party leader said. “They were the handiwork of God Himself… Bhagwaan kee leela hai yeh sab.”http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/16/arvind-kejriwal-threatens-to-expose-god-now-claims-he-has-enough-proof/

Man threatens to chop Narendra Modi; proclaimed secular

It is amazing what passes for secularism these days. Satire.Varanasi: In developing news today, a clutch of non NDA political parties proclaimed a man as ‘secular’ after he threatened to kill Narendra Modi by chopping his head off. Congress president Sonia Gandhi and Vice President Rahul Gandhi made it a point to call the man and congratulate him for being so secular.
Modi caught hold of the sword that will be used to chop him.However, Faking News has learnt that the man was forced to say such a thing in desperation and not out of any hatred for the BJP’s Prime Ministerial candidate. Apparently, Tadapit Kumar, the man in question – a boatman in Varanasi – had been trying to get his Aadhar Card for a year to claim the MNREGA funds that his sarpanch had been siphoning away on his behalf. But despite paying bribes far in excess of his possible MNREGA salary, all Tadapit got was an assurance that he would be getting his card soon.Deciding to take matters into his own hands, Tadapit issued the statement to his local chaiwalla, who told the village barber, who in turn informed the man who ran the printing press in the town leading to instant notoriety for Tadapit.“Yes yes, I am ready to chop anybody for my Aadhar Card, including Modiji,” is what Tadapit is believed to have actually said. However, as soon as the first pamphlets carrying “Villager to chop Modi” appeared in his district, political parties descended on the scene to take advantage of the situation, blaming Modi for polarizing the till now riot-free village of Ramapur in Varanasi.“We congratulate Mr. Kumar for realizing what a polarizing force Mr. Modi is and discovering the joys of being secular,” Sonia Gandhi said in Rai Bareilly, issuing a statement on behalf of the Congress party. “I will be calling him shortly to congratulate him for his secular-ness.”Abu Azmi, of the Samajwadi Party, did not make any statement but did issue an anticipatory retraction when contacted.http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/14/man-threatens-to-chop-narendra-modi-proclaimed-secular/