Vaibhav Anand's Blog, page 22

After promising to turn Amethi into England, Rahul promises to turn Congress party into X-Men

I am going to miss Rahul Gandhi after these elections. Satire.Amethi: In a bid to enthuse voters in the traditional Gandhi bastion of Amethi, Rahul promised to turn Amethi into England, if UPA returned to office. “Mere dono haath jod do, mein Amethi ko England bana doonga,” he had said. A couple of days later, Rahul has gone a step further and promised to turn Congress partymen into X-men, using the same scientific principles he was going to use to turn Amethi into England. Congress’ new avatar.“I was speaking to my mother and she told me to stop bothering her and go watch something on TV,” Rahul said, elaborating how he had reached the conclusion that he could turn his partymen into men with extraordinary superpowers. “And mummy was right… because I saw X-men on TV and realized that our political model is very limited. All of us need to become X-men to fight all these communal forces that are tearing up this nation.”Speaking about his next steps, Rahul said, “I plan to expose all Congress partymen to dangerously toxic levels of radiation to empower them properly. I will get back to you soon on what the results are.”Meanwhile, if reports from within the PMO are to be believed, a usually reticent Dr. Manmohan Singh grew rather agitated on hearing what Rahul planned to do next, even going to the extent of (allegedly) exclaiming, “Oh teri bhen di!”http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/05/06/after-promising-to-turn-amethi-into-england-rahul-promises-to-turn-congress-party-into-x-men/

DD unrepentant on editing Modi’s interview, to now play Rahul Gandhi’s speeches in the background with all programming

The desperation of the Congress is remarkable... Inspired satire.New Delhi: After editing several parts of Narendra Modi’s interview, Doordarshan – the “independent” news channel managed by the Indian government has announced that it will now go ahead and play Rahul Gandhi’s speeches in the background whatever be the visuals playing on the screen. Prasar Bharti’s CEO made a statement to this effect today. Get ready to laugh“Yes we did edit Mr. Modi’s interview with the full backing of madamji,” the CEO said, referring ostensibly to Sonia Gandhi. “But madam has asked us to go a step further and play Rahulji’s speeches more, to counter the effect made by Narendra Modi’s speech. Since there are not too many visuals that we have of Rahulji’s speeches, we have decided to go ahead and play his voice in loop in the background, while playing random visuals at the front-end.”“Yes yes, we will ensure whatever visuals are playing along with Rahulji’s voice are secular,” the CEO said, responding to a query from this reporter.Responding to a query from another reporter on how this would impact the channel’s already plummeting TRPs, he said, “On the contrary, I have been told that Rahulji’s speeches are quite popular and become popular faster than any other living being’s speeches in the history of the universe. We are particularly excited about mixing and matching his “honeybee” or “escape velocity” or “hum sabne Gujarat kee mahilon ka doodh piya hai” speeches with the appropriately secular visual content!”http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/05/06/dd-unrepentant-on-editing-modis-interview-to-now-play-rahul-gandhis-speeches-in-the-background-with-all-programming/

Book Review: Making a difference by K. J. Alphons

I read this book in tenth standard a few months before the stress of the Board exams began. I am quite surprised that this book isn’t that well known, considering it was quite well written and inspired me (fleetingly) to consider taking up a career in the Civil Services. Ultimately I chose the path of least resistance (with respect to my education), i.e. engineering + MBA, but I still do envy men like Alphons who got a chance to work in government. (Sanjaya Baru has, of course, used his leverage to great effect by now.)
‘Making a difference’ is the autobiographical story of K. J. Alphons, an honest IAS officer, who chronicled his experience in the Services – straight from training to his posting to his inevitable brush with transfers and violence. The book had a linear and quite interesting narrative, throwing light on the kind of life a young IAS officer lives.
I was reminded of this book when I saw Alphons on TV recently, as a spokesperson for the BJP. Unfortunately he did not really hold his own in the debate and I haven’t really seen him since. But BJP could certainly use a man like him – with his experience in grassroots bureaucracy – if and when it forms its next government. 
I do not think this book is even available for sale anymore but seeing Alphons’ face on TV again reminded me of the time when I was young and impressionable and so unreasonably fearful that something as inconsequential as the Board exams could change my life. On the contrary, I think this book definitely did have a consequence - inspiring several men (hopefully) to join the services and stay honest.

Tired of being slapped around, mosquito decides to join AAP

It's magical how much physical violence the AAP attracts. Satire.
After being slapped around incessantly soon after it resurfaced from its hibernation, a mosquito based out of east Delhi has announced that it would soon be seeking to join the Aam Aadmi Party. Apparently the mosquito’s ordeal started as soon as the extended winter and rains ended in Delhi and it resurfaced out of hibernation.
The mosquito in question – called Tadapit Kumar – said that it had been watching television channels in houses along the Yamuna for some time and found that members of the Aam Aadmi Party had been going through the same trauma as him.
“I identify terrifically with these AAP fellows,” Tadapit said, buzzing close to this reporter’s ear. “They kept getting beaten up, slapped, shooed away, etc. just like me. Therefore, I have decided to join these fellows in their quest for whatever it is that they are questing for.”
Speaking from his habitat alongside the Yamuna, Tadapit said, “People have to understand that if they keep slapping my kind, we will soon become an endangered species.” Referring to Kejriwal, the founder/ chief slap-taker of the Aam Aadmi Party, the mosquito said, “Look at Kejriwal… Uska putla bhi laga dein toh rah chalte log thapad maar jaayein.”
“He is the best man to lead my kind in their fight against… um… everything,” Tadapit said. “Isn’t that what the AAP is all about? Fighting everything?”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/05/03/tired-of-being-slapped-around-mosquito-decides-to-join-aap/

Book Review: Band of Brothers by Stephen E. Ambrose

I love war books; so I do start with a bit of a bias I guess. I find something magical about the fact that war is not just man versus man, but at most times, high speed chess between two opposing army commanders. A smart military leader has the potential to win greater victories and save more lives than standalone brave soldiers, something that reflects in the teams and people I have worked in and with as well. Awful leaders will diminish the best of men; great leaders will inspire the worst.
‘Band of Brothers’ is the story of the ironically named ‘Easy Company’ which took on some of the hardest tasks of World War II’s European invasion. Trained under a man the company loved to hate (Sobel) at the mountains of Currahee, the company of paratroopers quickly became one of the elite troops of the American war effort, thereby landing plum assignments such as taking important objectives on Normandy (the famous mass invasion of Nazi Europe by the Allies), taking important objectives during Market Garden (the almost end to the war that the Allies engineered), participating in the Battle of the Bulge and finally occupying Eagle’s Nest – Hitler’s iconic retreat in Austria.
Ambrose produces a largely linear Cornelius Ryan like narrative of the Company – starting with the induction of the first band of recruits, their training under the popularly hated ‘chickenshit’ leader Sobel to the war itself. The book brings alive the everyday men of World War II… I grew to love the characters of Sobel (a most remarkable villain/ bad boss), Winters (the universally admired leader who eventually outranked Sobel), Sink (the regiment commander), Speirs (a fierce fearsome warrior who took over the Company after Winters was promoted) and Webster (a budding writer who chronicled the war ever so beautifully in his own words). The book does suffer from a surfeit of names, like most war books do, but the continuing thread of Sobel-Winters-Sink-Speirs-Webster and a few more keeps you glued… you want to know what happens to all these men at the very end.
What was remarkable for me was how much men hated the war effort and the army itself, but continued not out of courage or patriotism but for the love of the man at their side.
The story of Easy Company deserves to be read to be believed. Do read the book before you watch the show on HBO. I traveled through 40’s Nazi Europe with these guys and I strongly recommend that you do too.

Book Review: The Department of Denials by Anurag Mathur

Anurag Mathur is the man who was Chetan Bhagat in the 90’s and early 00’s. After the unprecedented success of his book, ‘The Inscrutable Americans’ (the book was even made into a movie), Mathur fathered several other books. “The Department of Denials” is one of them.
I found “The Department of Denials” readable. It’s not massy, it’s not coherent and most importantly, it’s not Chetan Bhagat. It is undeniably witty but unfortunately not laugh out loud funny, though Mathur does try ever so hard. However, I found it funnier than “The Inscrutable Americans” – a book that is almost derogatory towards Indian Americans, without really being funny enough to justify its biases.
My sense is the primary reason people still buy Mathur’s books is because he is a Stephanian, who are alleged to be a class apart. Trust me, they aren’t. I have met several of them and the only thing that differentiates Stephen-kind from humanity is that they choose every opportunity to reiterate the fact that they are Stephanians, as opposed to other sub-species of human beings I have met.
D.O.D. is a book from an era gone by and not really a chronicle of India a decade ago. Read “God of Small Things” instead to understand what India was, is and will be.

Book Review: The Animorphs Series

I haven’t read the 'Animorphs' in a long time but some of the best memories of my childhood are inextricably linked with reading Animorphs books growing up. I remember the books used to cost 100 bucks per book, fifteen years ago, which was quite a lot then. But I was so damn addicted to the series, that I would beg my mother to buy me one every month, promising to read it slowly enough to justify the expense. My mother, of course, would happily oblige.
Eventually, our school library began to stock up on the series and I could read the books for free. Especially interesting were the Megamorphs books, which were told in a unique narratorial style of different people narrating the story at different times. (Even in the Animorphs series, the character displayed on the cover would narrate the story.) The narratorial style influenced me so deeply that I wrote my first book in first person too (though my future books will probably not follow the same style.)
Growing up, Animorphs was my Harry Potter and I highly recommend it to teens and pre-teens (and by extension, their parents).
Sadly, I lost a large part of my Animorphs book to termites ten years ago. I sorely miss them; it is almost as if termites ate into my childhood and I am now stuck with being an adult. 

India to sue China for faulty remote control after MMS’ brother joins BJP

Theek hai?New Delhi: In a major escalation of political tensions between India and China, the Indian government has proposed to sue the Chinese government after the remote control being used to control Manmohan Singh and his relatives for the last ten years, could not curtail his brother from joining the BJP. The Union Science & Technology Minister, Jaipal Reddy, issued a statement on behalf of the Indian government, stating the position. Sonia’s remote where the ‘relative control’ button went missing.“We hereby announce that we shall be suing the Chinese government in the International Court of Justice for providing the Indian National Congress with a faulty remote control,” Mr. Reddy said to a clutch of reporters gathered at the steps of the Parliament.“The remote was supposed to cover not only the eye, hand, etc. body movements, speech and breathing of Mr. Singh, but of all his close relatives as well. However, yesterday, even though Sonia Gandhiji kept pressing the “Control” button on the remote, Mr. Singh’s brother still managed to join the BJP. All that happened with the incessant pressing of the “Control” button, however, was that Dr. Manmohan Singh went into a sort of enhanced rigor mortis, though he continued to breathe. We express our deepest anger at such callous treatment by the Chinese manufacturing sector towards a neighbour and a strategic trade partner.”Meanwhile in China, Xu Penwhig, a senior politician shrugged and expressed his indifference towards the development. “The product was made in Tibet,” he said. “And if India continues to liaise with and recognize Tibet, this is what they will get.”http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/india-to-sue-chinese-government-for-faulty-remote-control-after-mms-brother-joins-bjp/

Book Review: Byculla to Bangkok by Hussain Zaidi

S. Hussain Zaidi’s “Byculla to Bangkok” is touted as the sequel to “Dongri to Dubai” but it fails miserably, leaving very few traces of coherence in chronology. It is the first time in my life that I have been disappointed by a Hussain Zaidi book; even Rahul Bhatt’s sob story, Headley & I (co-authored with Zaidi), was far more tolerable.
The book is still an interesting read in the sense that Zaidi helps bring iconic characters to life – a few of which he hasn’t covered too extensively in his previous books – characters like Arun Gawli, Naik, Chhota Rajan, etc. But there was far more coherence in his earlier books; this one simply zigs and zags and reads like the personal blog of a crime reporter at times.

What disappointed me was that the book was neither a sequel nor a prequel – more like a collection of mafia short stories. 

Set Max viewers file PIL to stop broadcast of IPL 7, bring back ‘Sooryavansham’

Who is watching IPL 7? The nation demands an answer!

New Delhi. After getting extremely bored by the seventh round of the Indian Premier League, a clutch of cricket loving lawyers got together to file a PIL to stop the broadcast of the IPL and bring back Set Max’s legacy broadcast movie – ‘Sooryavansham’.

“IPL 7 is so boring that I have been missing what Set Max used to show all the time, all day long, on infinite loop,” Tadapit Kumar, a concerned cricket lover said. “To be fair, I miss the movie because it was bad on so many levels. The thirty year old’s role played by Amitabh Bachhan in the movie, actually much looks older than the father’s role Bachhan played!”

“The teams have changed so much that Delhiites like Sehwag, Nehra and Gambhir are actually playing for non Delhi teams,” Tadapit added. “While watching the matches, it is extremely unclear who is actually playing for whom. Case in point, Yuvraj Singh was Kings XI Punjab for so many years but he is with RCB now.”

“So a few of us have gotten together and decided to file this PIL now,” he said. “If not Sooryavansham, maybe Set Max can show us Rahul Gandhi’s speeches. Now that is wholesome entertainment!”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/set-max-viewers-file-pil-to-stop-broadcast-of-ipl-7-bring-back-sooryavansham/