Vaibhav Anand's Blog, page 11
September 22, 2015
Enticed by PayTM coupons, man recharges his phone for one crore
Satire...
Bangalore: A mid-level manager based in Bangalore was shocked to learn that he had recharged his prepaid connection for crore rupees over a year. Apparently, Tadapit, the management professional in question, had been so engrossed in seeking the best deal online and recharging his mobile balance every day that he lost track of his bank balance.
“There is like a new coupon code that PayTM or Freecharge kept sending me every day, so I kept recharging my phone. I got so addicted to it that I didn’t realize how much I spent in recharging my prepaid balance,” Tadapit said.
“I only got to know I had recharged it for so much when someone from Airtel called me and told me I would get their Diamond Care package because I had over a crore in my prepaid balance. It seems my prepaid balance crossed even that of Sunil Mittal,” said Tadapit while showing us his prepaid balance.
“I don’t know how I am supposed to use this prepaid balance. If my wife comes to know about this, I will be in trouble for sure. She asked me for an expensive gift for her birthday and I refused somehow saying that we could save on that money for future. I have to come up with some good excuse now,” he said in a hushed tone.
“Not just that, the company has given a Airtel 4G female representative as part of this Diamond package, who keeps bugging me about upgrading to 4G or proving that my mobile internet is faster than Airtel 4G,” he concluded with a miserable look on his face.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/enticed-by-paytm-coupons-man-recharges-his-phone-for-one-crore/
Bangalore: A mid-level manager based in Bangalore was shocked to learn that he had recharged his prepaid connection for crore rupees over a year. Apparently, Tadapit, the management professional in question, had been so engrossed in seeking the best deal online and recharging his mobile balance every day that he lost track of his bank balance.
“There is like a new coupon code that PayTM or Freecharge kept sending me every day, so I kept recharging my phone. I got so addicted to it that I didn’t realize how much I spent in recharging my prepaid balance,” Tadapit said.
“I only got to know I had recharged it for so much when someone from Airtel called me and told me I would get their Diamond Care package because I had over a crore in my prepaid balance. It seems my prepaid balance crossed even that of Sunil Mittal,” said Tadapit while showing us his prepaid balance.“I don’t know how I am supposed to use this prepaid balance. If my wife comes to know about this, I will be in trouble for sure. She asked me for an expensive gift for her birthday and I refused somehow saying that we could save on that money for future. I have to come up with some good excuse now,” he said in a hushed tone.
“Not just that, the company has given a Airtel 4G female representative as part of this Diamond package, who keeps bugging me about upgrading to 4G or proving that my mobile internet is faster than Airtel 4G,” he concluded with a miserable look on his face.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/enticed-by-paytm-coupons-man-recharges-his-phone-for-one-crore/
September 21, 2015
Village feeling 37.281% more secular after meeting both Sonia and Rahul Gandhi
Satire...
Patna, Bihar: Villagers in Dhibra Village in Patna suddenly felt more secular after Sonia and Rahul Gandhi spoke at a rally there. While this was not the Gandhis’ first rally in the run up to the Bihar elections, political scientists on Times Now believed that the levels of secularism rose because the Gandhis were not sharing the stage with any other political party.
While the Congress pegged the rise in secularism due to their efforts, a BJP spokesperson rubbished the reports. He threatened to ban meat, beef or something similar in the area to prove his point.
When this Faking News reporter spoke with a few locals, it turned out that most people had been so mesmerized by Rahul Gandhi’s speech that they had forgotten their religion.
“Bhaiyya, Kapil Sharma ek taraf aur eeh Rahul baba ek taraf”, a villager said.
“Our dreams of seeing a comedian speak at close quarters have come true,” another said. “We had only seen these people on TV earlier.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/20/village-feeling-37-281-more-secular-after-meeting-both-sonia-and-rahul-gandhi/
Patna, Bihar: Villagers in Dhibra Village in Patna suddenly felt more secular after Sonia and Rahul Gandhi spoke at a rally there. While this was not the Gandhis’ first rally in the run up to the Bihar elections, political scientists on Times Now believed that the levels of secularism rose because the Gandhis were not sharing the stage with any other political party.
While the Congress pegged the rise in secularism due to their efforts, a BJP spokesperson rubbished the reports. He threatened to ban meat, beef or something similar in the area to prove his point.
When this Faking News reporter spoke with a few locals, it turned out that most people had been so mesmerized by Rahul Gandhi’s speech that they had forgotten their religion.
“Bhaiyya, Kapil Sharma ek taraf aur eeh Rahul baba ek taraf”, a villager said.
“Our dreams of seeing a comedian speak at close quarters have come true,” another said. “We had only seen these people on TV earlier.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/20/village-feeling-37-281-more-secular-after-meeting-both-sonia-and-rahul-gandhi/
AAP to get Somnath Bharti’s dog to bite dengue mosquitoes
Satire...
New Delhi: After allegations of Somnath Bharti getting his dog to bite his wife surfaced, AAP supremo and Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal has promised to use the dog to rid Delhi of dengue-causing mosquitoes. The dog called ‘Don’ would soon be pressed into service, Kejriwal promised.
“Somnath Bharti might be a dead weight for the AAP but at least we can use his dog”, Kejriwal said, in a press conference. “Only AAP provides a platform for its members’ pets to serve the nation as well. Can BJP and Congress do something like this?”
“We will get ‘Don’ to roam the streets of Delhi with Somnath shouting instructions behind it in tow, to get it to bite Dengue causing mosquitoes,” Kejriwal concluded.
Meanwhile Mr. Bharti refuted allegations that he could his dog to bite anyone by instructing it to bite police officers at a police station. When the dog refused to comply, Bharti proclaimed his innocence in response to his wife’s allegations. He said however that Kejriwal’s plans just might work since ‘Don’ happened to attract mosquitoes wherever it went.
“If anything, Don will attract all the dengue causing insects of any area to itself,” Bharti said.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/21/aap-to-get-somnath-bhartis-dog-to-bite-dengue-mosquitoes/
New Delhi: After allegations of Somnath Bharti getting his dog to bite his wife surfaced, AAP supremo and Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal has promised to use the dog to rid Delhi of dengue-causing mosquitoes. The dog called ‘Don’ would soon be pressed into service, Kejriwal promised.
“Somnath Bharti might be a dead weight for the AAP but at least we can use his dog”, Kejriwal said, in a press conference. “Only AAP provides a platform for its members’ pets to serve the nation as well. Can BJP and Congress do something like this?”“We will get ‘Don’ to roam the streets of Delhi with Somnath shouting instructions behind it in tow, to get it to bite Dengue causing mosquitoes,” Kejriwal concluded.
Meanwhile Mr. Bharti refuted allegations that he could his dog to bite anyone by instructing it to bite police officers at a police station. When the dog refused to comply, Bharti proclaimed his innocence in response to his wife’s allegations. He said however that Kejriwal’s plans just might work since ‘Don’ happened to attract mosquitoes wherever it went.
“If anything, Don will attract all the dengue causing insects of any area to itself,” Bharti said.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/21/aap-to-get-somnath-bhartis-dog-to-bite-dengue-mosquitoes/
September 20, 2015
Employee gets 5% salary hike but attends 400% more meetings after getting promoted
Satire...
Gurgaon: A software engineer working for a Multinational Company in the city confirmed that while he got a 5% salary hike on getting promoted, he was attending 400% more meetings. Tadapit Kumar, a ten year veteran at an MNC software firm, however seemed to be quite pleased with this arrangement.
“My company has not promoted anyone, citing recession for the last seven years,” Tadapit said. “So I am happy to be promoted and to get a 5% hike. Most of my friends here have taken a pay cut this year to continue working here and are busy polishing their profiles on Naukri.com.”
“Yes, my invitations to meetings has gone up 400%, but I am happy about that too,” he continued, in response to a question from this Faking News reporter. “I sit in a corner and play Solitaire or browse through the Naukri.com profiles of the people in the room and occasionally make statements like ‘Yes, let’s double down on that’ or ‘Can we have a detailed review on this… this slide isn’t enough?’ etcetera. This is what I had been missing all those years.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/employee-gets-5-salary-hike-but-attends-400-more-meetings-after-getting-promoted/
Gurgaon: A software engineer working for a Multinational Company in the city confirmed that while he got a 5% salary hike on getting promoted, he was attending 400% more meetings. Tadapit Kumar, a ten year veteran at an MNC software firm, however seemed to be quite pleased with this arrangement.
“My company has not promoted anyone, citing recession for the last seven years,” Tadapit said. “So I am happy to be promoted and to get a 5% hike. Most of my friends here have taken a pay cut this year to continue working here and are busy polishing their profiles on Naukri.com.”
“Yes, my invitations to meetings has gone up 400%, but I am happy about that too,” he continued, in response to a question from this Faking News reporter. “I sit in a corner and play Solitaire or browse through the Naukri.com profiles of the people in the room and occasionally make statements like ‘Yes, let’s double down on that’ or ‘Can we have a detailed review on this… this slide isn’t enough?’ etcetera. This is what I had been missing all those years.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/employee-gets-5-salary-hike-but-attends-400-more-meetings-after-getting-promoted/
September 6, 2015
Comparisons with the Meluha Guy (The Legend of Ramm Series)
I must say at the outset that I have not read the Ishvaku book - a book that will supplement Amish's Meluha royalties and sustain his great-great grandchildren. My version of the story does not start with or eventually merge into the Ramayana and is not a justification or rendition or version.
'The Great War of Hind' is my attempt to understand God and his designs on the world - why He did what He did. I had two epiphanies before I began writing the book - One, what will happen a thousand years later when archaeologists dig up Marvel's comics? Would they not think Aquaman or Spiderman were the Gods of our times? Now what if we were to extend this argument to all the mythological pieces we now... if everything that we have every been told was just a story.
Second, I like to think God despises and despised/ came to despise mankind. And so, I imagined our world thousands of years ago, where God tried to balance mankind off with demons (or animals as we know them today). Set in this mix, my story of Ramm and Hanohman and Rahvun developed slowly - known characters set in an unheard-of story.
Think of it as another episode of a childhood show, as another comic book starring your favorite childhood characters. The idea is not be in the Meluha guy's tail-wind : I wrote this book more than 2 years ago... That's how much us mere mortals sometimes need to wait to get published. (My awesome publisher had quite a backlog unfortunately.) So, I would possibly even pre-date the Ishvaku storyline.
Anyhow, it's a free country. Read what you please (ideally my book).
Or read them both and confirm my suspicions about my book being better.
Cheers!
'The Great War of Hind' is my attempt to understand God and his designs on the world - why He did what He did. I had two epiphanies before I began writing the book - One, what will happen a thousand years later when archaeologists dig up Marvel's comics? Would they not think Aquaman or Spiderman were the Gods of our times? Now what if we were to extend this argument to all the mythological pieces we now... if everything that we have every been told was just a story.Second, I like to think God despises and despised/ came to despise mankind. And so, I imagined our world thousands of years ago, where God tried to balance mankind off with demons (or animals as we know them today). Set in this mix, my story of Ramm and Hanohman and Rahvun developed slowly - known characters set in an unheard-of story.
Think of it as another episode of a childhood show, as another comic book starring your favorite childhood characters. The idea is not be in the Meluha guy's tail-wind : I wrote this book more than 2 years ago... That's how much us mere mortals sometimes need to wait to get published. (My awesome publisher had quite a backlog unfortunately.) So, I would possibly even pre-date the Ishvaku storyline.
Anyhow, it's a free country. Read what you please (ideally my book).
Or read them both and confirm my suspicions about my book being better.
Cheers!
August 28, 2015
Employee promoted for explaining the family tree of Peter and Indrani Mukherjee
Back on Faking News after a long break... Satire.
New Delhi/ Gurgaon: A software engineer was recently promoted to the post of Vice President after being able to explain the family tree of Peter and Indrani Mukherjee, immediately after catching the story on TV news.
Tadapit Kumar, an employee with TCS, who had been on the bench for almost a year was dismayed though at the prospect of having to do real work soon.
Devdas, Tadapit’s ex-peer and now reportee said, “Tadapit managed to understand the entire structure of the Indrani and Peter Mukherjee family web and explain it to all of us within thirty seconds of the news breaking on TV. Our CEO was so impressed that he promoted him on the spot.”
Tadapit Kumar, however, could not have been less thrilled. “I was on the bench for a year chilling out,” he said.
He added, “Now they have made me a VP. That’s how bad shit happens. What if I get rich and famous and happen to marry a girl like this Indrani lady who will kill her own daughter for having a relationship with my son from some other marriage, now?”
“The only reason I even understood the news piece so quickly was that I thought the reporter was talking about Rani Mukherjee,” Tadapit sadly concluded.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/08/31/employee-promoted-for-explaining-the-family-tree-of-peter-and-indrani-mukherjee/
New Delhi/ Gurgaon: A software engineer was recently promoted to the post of Vice President after being able to explain the family tree of Peter and Indrani Mukherjee, immediately after catching the story on TV news.
Tadapit Kumar, an employee with TCS, who had been on the bench for almost a year was dismayed though at the prospect of having to do real work soon.
Devdas, Tadapit’s ex-peer and now reportee said, “Tadapit managed to understand the entire structure of the Indrani and Peter Mukherjee family web and explain it to all of us within thirty seconds of the news breaking on TV. Our CEO was so impressed that he promoted him on the spot.”Tadapit Kumar, however, could not have been less thrilled. “I was on the bench for a year chilling out,” he said.
He added, “Now they have made me a VP. That’s how bad shit happens. What if I get rich and famous and happen to marry a girl like this Indrani lady who will kill her own daughter for having a relationship with my son from some other marriage, now?”
“The only reason I even understood the news piece so quickly was that I thought the reporter was talking about Rani Mukherjee,” Tadapit sadly concluded.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/08/31/employee-promoted-for-explaining-the-family-tree-of-peter-and-indrani-mukherjee/
August 27, 2015
Pak destroying brand value of ‘ISI Mark’ with 2 terrorists caught in a month: India
Satire...
New Delhi: After a second Pakistani terrorist was caught alive in less than a month, India blamed Pakistan today for destroying the brand value of ‘ISI’. Sajjad Ahmed, the Pakistani terrorist caught on Thursday, had been tasked with setting up a base for Lashkar-e-Taiba in Rafiabad, some 76km from Srinagar, in India.
Speaking at a press conference, Prakash Jindal, spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s Office said, “We are extremely dismayed at Pakistan not taking their job seriously. Clearly, the recent crop of terrorists could do with better training – they can at the very least try to not be caught alive. We need better professionalism from Pakistan, after all we have captured two terrorists alive in less than a month.”
Referring to the ISI he said, “What will be the brand value of our ISI Mark if Pakistan’s ISI becomes a joke? The name itself signifies best in class, and the Pakistani ISI clearly doesn’t deserve an ISI Mark anymore. They managed to hide Bin Laden for five years and now they cannot even manage one shoddy terrorist. Maybe they should change the name?”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/08/31/pak-destroying-brand-value-of-isi-mark-with-2-terrorists-caught-in-month-india/
New Delhi: After a second Pakistani terrorist was caught alive in less than a month, India blamed Pakistan today for destroying the brand value of ‘ISI’. Sajjad Ahmed, the Pakistani terrorist caught on Thursday, had been tasked with setting up a base for Lashkar-e-Taiba in Rafiabad, some 76km from Srinagar, in India.
Speaking at a press conference, Prakash Jindal, spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s Office said, “We are extremely dismayed at Pakistan not taking their job seriously. Clearly, the recent crop of terrorists could do with better training – they can at the very least try to not be caught alive. We need better professionalism from Pakistan, after all we have captured two terrorists alive in less than a month.”
Referring to the ISI he said, “What will be the brand value of our ISI Mark if Pakistan’s ISI becomes a joke? The name itself signifies best in class, and the Pakistani ISI clearly doesn’t deserve an ISI Mark anymore. They managed to hide Bin Laden for five years and now they cannot even manage one shoddy terrorist. Maybe they should change the name?”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/08/31/pak-destroying-brand-value-of-isi-mark-with-2-terrorists-caught-in-month-india/
August 26, 2015
Inspired by OROP, IIT students demand “One Man, One Girlfriend” (OMOG)
Satire...
New Delhi: Inspired by the One Rank One Pension (OROP) protests currently on in the capital, male engineers from IIT Delhi held a candlelight vigil (in broad daylight) to demand ‘One Man, One Girlfriend’. These aggrieved men, most of whom had believed IIT would be a place to hit on and pick up girls after reading Chetan Bhagat books, took up the vigil after only one of them made a girlfriend in the first year of college.
“I am tired of going to fests to try and hit on women all of whom seem to have these mysterious ‘boyfriends‘,” Tadapit Prasad, a chemical engineering student said. “The only reason I wasted two years of my life at Kota and fifteen years of my life before that was so that I could get into IIT like Chetan and have sex. However, the only benefit of IIT so far has been the high speed LAN with a
high density of shared porn… And that too, this government wants to ban!”
The students raised slogans for OMOG and burnt effigies of both Arvind Kejriwal and Narendra Modi.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/01/inspired-by-orop-iit-students-demand-one-man-one-girlfriend-omog/
New Delhi: Inspired by the One Rank One Pension (OROP) protests currently on in the capital, male engineers from IIT Delhi held a candlelight vigil (in broad daylight) to demand ‘One Man, One Girlfriend’. These aggrieved men, most of whom had believed IIT would be a place to hit on and pick up girls after reading Chetan Bhagat books, took up the vigil after only one of them made a girlfriend in the first year of college.
“I am tired of going to fests to try and hit on women all of whom seem to have these mysterious ‘boyfriends‘,” Tadapit Prasad, a chemical engineering student said. “The only reason I wasted two years of my life at Kota and fifteen years of my life before that was so that I could get into IIT like Chetan and have sex. However, the only benefit of IIT so far has been the high speed LAN with a
high density of shared porn… And that too, this government wants to ban!”
The students raised slogans for OMOG and burnt effigies of both Arvind Kejriwal and Narendra Modi.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/09/01/inspired-by-orop-iit-students-demand-one-man-one-girlfriend-omog/
August 23, 2015
Prologue: The Great War of Hind (The Legend of Ramm #1)
In the beginning, there was no such thing as heaven or hell. All that there was then, was earth.
I speak of a land far before time – far before the concept of time. When men and gods coexisted – lived and died and fought and loved. People thought of time in breaths and moonrises and winters; and if they missed one – say a breath or a moonrise or a winter – time simply ceased to exist. But, for the sake of chroniclers and people who shall doubt my story, I shall state that we were of twelve thousand winters before the coming of that messiah many call Yesus.
It is unclear how everything our world as we saw it came to be. There were only stories and songs and poems passed down from generation to generation; hymns sung at festivals or lullabies that put children to sleep.
It was said that God created man. I shall not dwell on this story for I do not know how or why or when and I will not submit myself to conjecture. All that I know is that once God created man – whichever God this was – He could no longer bear his creation. So He created a new race to destroy humankind. Having set this race upon men, God retreated to the mountains, far away from his creations. Men came to know this race by many names. In our kingdom, we called them demons.
My name is Sanjaay and I shall tell you the story of how our world came to be. There are raconteurs and mischief-mongers in our ranks and I have no doubt they shall pervert the truth with their self serving versions. The events of history – this history of our land– shall thus inevitably have many versions, doubtless. I was there with General Ramm, I fought by his side and at the very end when I left his service, and he confided in me everything – even his deepest darkest secrets. I began to write this book, this memoir of the great man that once was, when my body was no longer fit for soldiering but my mind was still robust. I travelled far and wide. I met gods and demons alike; sons and wives of men long gone – just so the world may know full well the truth about our times.
And so it was that thousands of winters ago, that earth as we knew it – as I knew it – came to be, with man and God at absolute odds.
In my time, we called our land ‘Hind’.
A land of gods and men and everything in between.
