Vaibhav Anand's Blog, page 8
April 10, 2016
Airtel to build ‘4G Girl’ temples where Airtel customers can pray for a good data connection
Inspired by my own Airtel connection. Satire...
Gurgaon: Airtel today announced that it will build “4G Temples” where its customers would be able to come and pray for a working data connection. After a lot of people complained that 4G seems to be working only at places where 4G girl goes, Airtel decided to build these temples with her statue to extend their network.
People will have a choice of praying to the ‘4G Girl’ statue in the temple or making a monetary contribution to the ‘4G Temple fund’, Airtel said, to help themselves achieve a better data connection on a spiritual plane.
“We have tried everything, but our data signals only work in a 100 meter radius of our corporate office and in a 200 meter radius of wherever our Airtel 4G Girl goes. We thought about cloning her to improve our connectivity across the country but that would have been too expensive and won’t have increased our revenues either. Now,temples will be cheaper plus we will get some donations as well,” a senior executive with Airtel said, on condition of anonymity.
“Somehow our network automatically deducts 1 to 2 Gs from anyone’s data signal speed. So a 4G generally works at 2G speed, a 3G at 1G speed and 2G data signals don’t work at all. Therefore, we decided to build these temples where people can come and pray for a working data connection from the queen of 4G speed”, said the executive.
“This will also help us reduce our customer service workforce,” he added. “We had hired a few thousand people under MNREGA last year who would sit around, take some calls and act clueless on phone with our customers. Now we will just play a recorded message for people complaining about their data signals that they can go and pray at their nearest Airtel 4G Temple.”
Meanwhile, some skeptics have said that nothing like 4G speed exists and it is just superstition.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/airtel-to-build-4g-girl-temples-where-airtel-customers-can-pray-for-a-good-data-connection/
Gurgaon: Airtel today announced that it will build “4G Temples” where its customers would be able to come and pray for a working data connection. After a lot of people complained that 4G seems to be working only at places where 4G girl goes, Airtel decided to build these temples with her statue to extend their network.
People will have a choice of praying to the ‘4G Girl’ statue in the temple or making a monetary contribution to the ‘4G Temple fund’, Airtel said, to help themselves achieve a better data connection on a spiritual plane.
“We have tried everything, but our data signals only work in a 100 meter radius of our corporate office and in a 200 meter radius of wherever our Airtel 4G Girl goes. We thought about cloning her to improve our connectivity across the country but that would have been too expensive and won’t have increased our revenues either. Now,temples will be cheaper plus we will get some donations as well,” a senior executive with Airtel said, on condition of anonymity.“Somehow our network automatically deducts 1 to 2 Gs from anyone’s data signal speed. So a 4G generally works at 2G speed, a 3G at 1G speed and 2G data signals don’t work at all. Therefore, we decided to build these temples where people can come and pray for a working data connection from the queen of 4G speed”, said the executive.
“This will also help us reduce our customer service workforce,” he added. “We had hired a few thousand people under MNREGA last year who would sit around, take some calls and act clueless on phone with our customers. Now we will just play a recorded message for people complaining about their data signals that they can go and pray at their nearest Airtel 4G Temple.”
Meanwhile, some skeptics have said that nothing like 4G speed exists and it is just superstition.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/airtel-to-build-4g-girl-temples-where-airtel-customers-can-pray-for-a-good-data-connection/
April 7, 2016
The Great War of Hind on Deal today!
The Great War of Hind available at 56% off only for the next 8 hours! (Rs. 98. Free Delivery). Click here to purchase: http://amzn.to/1MXL8Om
April 6, 2016
Book Review: The Looming Tower by Lawrence Wright
'The Looming Tower' is another excellent book on terrorism: chronicling Al Qaeda's rise from Afghanistan/ Pakistan post the Afghan Soviet war to 9/11. The book should ideally be followed up with a reading of 'Manhunt' which rounds up the Bin Laden narrative.The initial parts of the book, while insightful, are somewhat tedious reading, especially for a reader expecting Wright to jump right into Bin Laden and Zawahiri. The story of Al Qaeda, in fact, begins with Sayyid Qutb, moves on to Abdullah Azzam and then segues through Prince Turki and the CIA to land at Bin Laden and Zawahiri - two very unlikely allies.
What I loved most about the book though was the story of John O'Neill - a bullheaded Anti Bin Laden - and a host of other supporting characters, who were all blinded and hobbled by idiotic bureaucratic policies and rivalries between US security agencies such as NSA, CIA and FBI (to which O'Neill and his I-49 squad belonged). The book picks up pace with the Taliban leader Mullah Omar granting refuge to Bin Laden, becoming a veritable thriller leading up to the planes hitting the towers.
I loved the book though I trudged through the first half. For the O'Neill story alone, the book deserves to be read.
April 4, 2016
Bangladesh officially retires from international cricket; to celebrate India’s losses as victories
Celebrating Bangladesh cricketing world's obsession with India... Satire.
Dhaka, Bangladesh: In a first of its kind move, Bangladesh announced its retirement from international cricket, having lost nearly 70% of all international matches it has ever played. Bangladesh, who failed to score 2 runs in 3 balls to potentially qualify for the World Cup Semi Finals, seemed to have gotten the motivation from Mushfiqur Rahim tweeting, “’Happiness is this’.!!! #ha ha ha..! India lost in the semifinal.” Mushfiqur later apologized but claimed that he was happy because he was a big West Indies fan.
“While we will consider India’s losses as our victories, we are also debating if we will consider West Indies’ wins as our victories, considering our wicketkeeper Mushfiqur is such a big fan of the Windies,” Mr. Chandika Hathurusingha, Bangladesh’s cricket coach said. “The national cricket team will hereafter collect in one large auditorium periodically to watch India’s matches and if we decide in favor of it, West Indies’ matches on TV only.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/04/bangladesh-officially-retires-from-international-cricket-to-celebrate-indias-losses-as-victories/
Dhaka, Bangladesh: In a first of its kind move, Bangladesh announced its retirement from international cricket, having lost nearly 70% of all international matches it has ever played. Bangladesh, who failed to score 2 runs in 3 balls to potentially qualify for the World Cup Semi Finals, seemed to have gotten the motivation from Mushfiqur Rahim tweeting, “’Happiness is this’.!!! #ha ha ha..! India lost in the semifinal.” Mushfiqur later apologized but claimed that he was happy because he was a big West Indies fan.“While we will consider India’s losses as our victories, we are also debating if we will consider West Indies’ wins as our victories, considering our wicketkeeper Mushfiqur is such a big fan of the Windies,” Mr. Chandika Hathurusingha, Bangladesh’s cricket coach said. “The national cricket team will hereafter collect in one large auditorium periodically to watch India’s matches and if we decide in favor of it, West Indies’ matches on TV only.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/04/bangladesh-officially-retires-from-international-cricket-to-celebrate-indias-losses-as-victories/
Ekta Kapoor offers permanent job to ISI men who made the ‘Indian spy confession’ video
Satire...
Mumbai/Pakistan: Ekta Kapoor, the self-styled queen of Indian TV, has offered a permanent job at
Balaji Telefilms to the ISI men who scripted, directed and edited the ‘Indian spy confession’ video. The video, which stars Kulbhushan Jadhav as a RAW agent and has about 128 cuts in less than six minutes, jarring camera movements and sudden shots of Kulbhushan laughing– reminding one of a snippets from any and every K-Serial ever made, reportedly pleased Ms. Kapoor so much that she banged her ring laden fingers on her throne at Balaji Telefilms and inexplicably screamed, “Kkkulbhushan!”
While the Pakistani establishment has yet to formally react to this offer, a source in ISI told this Faking News reporter that the offer was being seriously considered. “The ISI is very confused who it is targeting India, Taliban, Afghanistan, NATO or Nawaz Sharif’s government”, the source said, on condition of anonymity. “This leads to a lot of work related stress. We are essentially trying to kill jo bhi asaani se mar jaaye, uss hafte. At least, in Balaji, our people will have clarity on what to do everyday.”
Meanwhile, Arnab Goswami took the opportunity to pronounce both Ekta Kapoor and the letter ‘K’ as traitors.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/04/ekta-kapoor-offers-permanent-job-to-isi-men-who-made-the-indian-spy-confession-video/
Mumbai/Pakistan: Ekta Kapoor, the self-styled queen of Indian TV, has offered a permanent job at
Balaji Telefilms to the ISI men who scripted, directed and edited the ‘Indian spy confession’ video. The video, which stars Kulbhushan Jadhav as a RAW agent and has about 128 cuts in less than six minutes, jarring camera movements and sudden shots of Kulbhushan laughing– reminding one of a snippets from any and every K-Serial ever made, reportedly pleased Ms. Kapoor so much that she banged her ring laden fingers on her throne at Balaji Telefilms and inexplicably screamed, “Kkkulbhushan!”
While the Pakistani establishment has yet to formally react to this offer, a source in ISI told this Faking News reporter that the offer was being seriously considered. “The ISI is very confused who it is targeting India, Taliban, Afghanistan, NATO or Nawaz Sharif’s government”, the source said, on condition of anonymity. “This leads to a lot of work related stress. We are essentially trying to kill jo bhi asaani se mar jaaye, uss hafte. At least, in Balaji, our people will have clarity on what to do everyday.”Meanwhile, Arnab Goswami took the opportunity to pronounce both Ekta Kapoor and the letter ‘K’ as traitors.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/04/ekta-kapoor-offers-permanent-job-to-isi-men-who-made-the-indian-spy-confession-video/
April 3, 2016
Man beaten up by journalists for not knowing religion of people who beat him up earlier
Satire...
New Delhi: A man was reportedly beaten up by a group of journalists after he failed to recall the caste and religion of the people who had beaten him up earlier.
Tadapit Kumar, a resident of Mehrauli in Delhi, was beaten up by about ten news journalists, both from print and TV media, who had come to his house to report on the beatings Tadapit Kumar took earlier in the day. Tadapit was beaten earlier in the day by a group of boys after an argument over a parking spot on a busy Delhi road. Tadapit suffered a broken left hand as a result of that beating.
“How can you not remember the caste or religion of the men beating you up? That is the first thing I would take note of if I was getting beaten up,” a senior editor of a Noida based national channel said.
“Every man who is getting beaten up should have the courtesy to find out the caste and religion of his attackers so that news channels can properly report the incident. Now how do we know if he was beaten up over Caste differences, communal issues, Beef eating or for refusing to say Bharat Mata Ki Jai? Then same people will say quality of reporting is going down,” said the news anchor of a leading English news channel.
When Tadapit tried to say that it was an incident of road rage, he was slapped again and told to keep quiet by a journalist.
As Tadapit, who suffered a broken hand in the first beating and a broken leg in the journalists beating, got up to leave for work for his job as a mall security guard, the group of journalists revealed that they plan to camp at his house, hoping that they will eventually figure out a caste or religion angle.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/man-beaten-up-by-journalists-for-not-knowing-religion-of-people-who-beat-him-up-earlier/
New Delhi: A man was reportedly beaten up by a group of journalists after he failed to recall the caste and religion of the people who had beaten him up earlier.
Tadapit Kumar, a resident of Mehrauli in Delhi, was beaten up by about ten news journalists, both from print and TV media, who had come to his house to report on the beatings Tadapit Kumar took earlier in the day. Tadapit was beaten earlier in the day by a group of boys after an argument over a parking spot on a busy Delhi road. Tadapit suffered a broken left hand as a result of that beating.“How can you not remember the caste or religion of the men beating you up? That is the first thing I would take note of if I was getting beaten up,” a senior editor of a Noida based national channel said.
“Every man who is getting beaten up should have the courtesy to find out the caste and religion of his attackers so that news channels can properly report the incident. Now how do we know if he was beaten up over Caste differences, communal issues, Beef eating or for refusing to say Bharat Mata Ki Jai? Then same people will say quality of reporting is going down,” said the news anchor of a leading English news channel.
When Tadapit tried to say that it was an incident of road rage, he was slapped again and told to keep quiet by a journalist.
As Tadapit, who suffered a broken hand in the first beating and a broken leg in the journalists beating, got up to leave for work for his job as a mall security guard, the group of journalists revealed that they plan to camp at his house, hoping that they will eventually figure out a caste or religion angle.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/man-beaten-up-by-journalists-for-not-knowing-religion-of-people-who-beat-him-up-earlier/
Man planning to travel to places shown in Airtel ad to get a 4G Signal
If you have seen the irritating Airtel 4G ads and you do happen to have an Airtel connection, you know what it is like to be on the world's "fastest" network. Satire.
New Delhi: Inspired by the latest Airtel 4G Ads, a Delhi based software professional has decided to travel to all those far flung places in an attempt to catch 4G signal. Akshay Kumar, living in West Delhi is a long term Airtel customer but has struggled with their 4G connection since its launch.
“I was using Airtel 3G connection earlier but the connection was a bit like Rohit Sharma’s form. Incredibly good on some days, disappeared on other days. Then I saw the Airtel girl asking everyone to move to 4G, I was tempted and took the bait. However, since then my connection has become like Shahid Afridi’s batting, a big hit once a month and totally pathetic the rest of the time”, Akshay said.
“My connection only ever works in my home’s bathroom if I point it towards the exhaust fan at an angle between 45.5 degrees and 46.75 degrees. Sometimes it also works when I hold it near our kitchen stove at an angle between 31.1 and 32.2 degrees. So when I saw the latest 4G Ads showing full network connectivity in remote places, I decided to go there and enjoy the benefits of 4G Network”, Akshay went on to add.
When pressed for details, Akshay said, “I have taken a 2 months vacation to visit all those places shown in the Ad. I will be traveling around the country searching for the elusive 4G signal. I will be starting at Shimla and then move South. If I don’t get the signal even at those places then I am going to be following that 4G girl around as apparently, wherever she goes, signal follows.”
When asked whether he has thought about changing his network provider to get 4G signal at his home, Akshay smiled and said, “What is the point. They are all the same. With a different provider, I will have to tilt my phone at 48 degrees instead of 45.5 now.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/man-planning-to-travel-to-places-shown-in-airtel-ad-to-get-a-4g-signal/
New Delhi: Inspired by the latest Airtel 4G Ads, a Delhi based software professional has decided to travel to all those far flung places in an attempt to catch 4G signal. Akshay Kumar, living in West Delhi is a long term Airtel customer but has struggled with their 4G connection since its launch.
“I was using Airtel 3G connection earlier but the connection was a bit like Rohit Sharma’s form. Incredibly good on some days, disappeared on other days. Then I saw the Airtel girl asking everyone to move to 4G, I was tempted and took the bait. However, since then my connection has become like Shahid Afridi’s batting, a big hit once a month and totally pathetic the rest of the time”, Akshay said.“My connection only ever works in my home’s bathroom if I point it towards the exhaust fan at an angle between 45.5 degrees and 46.75 degrees. Sometimes it also works when I hold it near our kitchen stove at an angle between 31.1 and 32.2 degrees. So when I saw the latest 4G Ads showing full network connectivity in remote places, I decided to go there and enjoy the benefits of 4G Network”, Akshay went on to add.
When pressed for details, Akshay said, “I have taken a 2 months vacation to visit all those places shown in the Ad. I will be traveling around the country searching for the elusive 4G signal. I will be starting at Shimla and then move South. If I don’t get the signal even at those places then I am going to be following that 4G girl around as apparently, wherever she goes, signal follows.”
When asked whether he has thought about changing his network provider to get 4G signal at his home, Akshay smiled and said, “What is the point. They are all the same. With a different provider, I will have to tilt my phone at 48 degrees instead of 45.5 now.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/man-planning-to-travel-to-places-shown-in-airtel-ad-to-get-a-4g-signal/
April 2, 2016
World Cup Final called off after news channels find 1,000 random people predicting a West Indies win
Never understood why news channels interview people on the street for their views before every match! Satire...
Mumbai/ Delhi/ Bangalore/ Kolkata: The ICC World T20 final was called off after no one any
news channel interviewed thought England would win the final. Having taken the opinion of about twenty random ex-cricketers who all predicted a West Indian win, the news channels turned to anyone they could find on the street – all of whom predicted a West Indian World Cup win too. The ICC reportedly took suo moto cognizance of this and decided to call off the final.
“Ashish Chopra and Debankar Gandhi predicting an England win is one thing but once you have Arnab Goswami calling your representative on his channel and showing him video footage of hundreds of people all supporting West Indies, there is very little you can do,” Zaheer Abbas, the President of the ICC, said. “So, we have decided to call off the final… after all, Mr. Goswami believes why even have a final in India with no Indian team in it, which everyone already believes one team will win.”
“We are all very scared of Mr. Arnab Goswami,” Mr. Abbas added.
Mumbai/ Delhi/ Bangalore/ Kolkata: The ICC World T20 final was called off after no one any
news channel interviewed thought England would win the final. Having taken the opinion of about twenty random ex-cricketers who all predicted a West Indian win, the news channels turned to anyone they could find on the street – all of whom predicted a West Indian World Cup win too. The ICC reportedly took suo moto cognizance of this and decided to call off the final.
“Ashish Chopra and Debankar Gandhi predicting an England win is one thing but once you have Arnab Goswami calling your representative on his channel and showing him video footage of hundreds of people all supporting West Indies, there is very little you can do,” Zaheer Abbas, the President of the ICC, said. “So, we have decided to call off the final… after all, Mr. Goswami believes why even have a final in India with no Indian team in it, which everyone already believes one team will win.”“We are all very scared of Mr. Arnab Goswami,” Mr. Abbas added.
March 8, 2016
Inspired by Preity Zinta’s fiance ‘Gene Goodenough’, Rakhi Sawant announces engagement to ‘Chromosome Muchbetter’
Satire.
Mumbai: Sensing an opportunity to get some publicity, drama queen Rakhi Sawant today announced that she would be finally getting engaged, putting an end to rumors about a possible second season of Rakhi ka Swayamwar.
Apparently, inspired by Preity Zinta having a fiance called ‘Gene Goodenough’, Rakhi Sawant declared that she too had a fiance and that too one with a much better name than Ms. Zinta’s.
At a recently held Bollywood award ceremony where Ms. Sawant landed up without invitation, she announced that her fiance was a businessman from ‘Antarctica’ and his name was ‘Chromosome Muchbetter'.
“Chromosome is the man of my dreams,” Rakhi said, in an exclusive chat with this Faking News reporter.
“He is big and fit and makes money doing something in Antarctica. He is the best. This Preity might have found a good-enough guy, but my fiance is much better! Aajkal acche chromosome milte kaha hai,” she said almost ruing the fact that women have few choices when it comes to choosing the right man.
“Look how big diamond ring he gives me! Look!” she exclaimed, flashing her ring finger in front of this reporter, pronouncing “diamond” as “daamond”.
“Har aurat yehi chahti hai uska pati baaki sab se behtar ho. Now if any woman praises her husband, I can say that mine is Muchbetter,” she said with an animated face.
Maenwhile, a guy named DNA AlmostPerfect has reportedly lodged a complaint against ‘unknown woman’ for pestering him with marriage proposals. “Yes, it’s true. Since the time Priety Zinta got married, I am being harassed by women who want me to get married to them. Now I am seriously thinking of getting my name changed,” he said with a worried look on his face.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/03/inspired-by-preity-zintas-fiance-gene-goodenough-rakhi-sawant-announces-engagement-to-chromosome-muchbetter/
Mumbai: Sensing an opportunity to get some publicity, drama queen Rakhi Sawant today announced that she would be finally getting engaged, putting an end to rumors about a possible second season of Rakhi ka Swayamwar.
Apparently, inspired by Preity Zinta having a fiance called ‘Gene Goodenough’, Rakhi Sawant declared that she too had a fiance and that too one with a much better name than Ms. Zinta’s.
At a recently held Bollywood award ceremony where Ms. Sawant landed up without invitation, she announced that her fiance was a businessman from ‘Antarctica’ and his name was ‘Chromosome Muchbetter'.
“Chromosome is the man of my dreams,” Rakhi said, in an exclusive chat with this Faking News reporter.
“He is big and fit and makes money doing something in Antarctica. He is the best. This Preity might have found a good-enough guy, but my fiance is much better! Aajkal acche chromosome milte kaha hai,” she said almost ruing the fact that women have few choices when it comes to choosing the right man.
“Look how big diamond ring he gives me! Look!” she exclaimed, flashing her ring finger in front of this reporter, pronouncing “diamond” as “daamond”.
“Har aurat yehi chahti hai uska pati baaki sab se behtar ho. Now if any woman praises her husband, I can say that mine is Muchbetter,” she said with an animated face.
Maenwhile, a guy named DNA AlmostPerfect has reportedly lodged a complaint against ‘unknown woman’ for pestering him with marriage proposals. “Yes, it’s true. Since the time Priety Zinta got married, I am being harassed by women who want me to get married to them. Now I am seriously thinking of getting my name changed,” he said with a worried look on his face.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/03/inspired-by-preity-zintas-fiance-gene-goodenough-rakhi-sawant-announces-engagement-to-chromosome-muchbetter/
February 28, 2016
Book Review: Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer
'Into Thin Air' is the first account of the 1996 Mt. Everest disaster - an event that has birthed a major movie, a few documentaries and at least five books that I came to know of. I consumed the book after consuming the movie, wanting to understand fully what happened on that fateful day - May 10, 1996. Krakauer was there on the mountain on the day and as a journalist, gives a well researched and a personal account of the day, and of guided expeditions on Everest. Before the book (and the movie), I had no clue that climbing Everest was mostly about having money in the bank and being relatively fit. It was (and still is) the Sherpas that do the work - fixing ropes, ladders, carrying luggage and even preparing meals for clients! I dare say my respect for Everest-ers of the '90s and thereafter, has diminished significantly.
Read the book to understand Everest, how the extreme cold and lack of Oxygen can make one shockingly nonchalant in the face of death, but mostly to remove any Everest climbing "heroes" you might have placed on pedestals.
Highly recommended.
