Vaibhav Anand's Blog, page 10
December 21, 2015
Rahul Gandhi claims ‘Vendetta Politics’ after getting a mosquito bite in Parliament
Satire...
Akbar Road, New Delhi: A day after being released on bail by the Delhi High Court in the National Herald case, Rahul Gandhi today claimed that he had further evidence of vendetta politics. Accompanied by his mother and Congress party supremo, Sonia Gandhi, Mr. Gandhi rolled up his pajamas to show a clutch of red spots on his upper thigh, which he told the reporters gathered around were mosquito bites.
Even as Ms. Gandhi averted her eyes from her son and stared ahead slightly abashed, Rahul tore into the BJP blaming the majority party for the mosquito bites. “The BJP has been releasing mosquitoes near where I sit in the Parliament,” he said to reporters who had gathered around him. “That is the reason we keep rushing into the well of the house… to avoid the mosquitoes. Else we would not stop the functioning of the Parliament.”
“They were clearly RSS mosquitoes, because even when I kept telling them – ‘Shoo‘, they kept returning,” Mr. Gandhi said. “Only RSS mosquitoes are this intolerant.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/21/rahul-gandhi-claims-vendetta-politics-after-getting-a-mosquito-bite-in-parliament/
Akbar Road, New Delhi: A day after being released on bail by the Delhi High Court in the National Herald case, Rahul Gandhi today claimed that he had further evidence of vendetta politics. Accompanied by his mother and Congress party supremo, Sonia Gandhi, Mr. Gandhi rolled up his pajamas to show a clutch of red spots on his upper thigh, which he told the reporters gathered around were mosquito bites.
Even as Ms. Gandhi averted her eyes from her son and stared ahead slightly abashed, Rahul tore into the BJP blaming the majority party for the mosquito bites. “The BJP has been releasing mosquitoes near where I sit in the Parliament,” he said to reporters who had gathered around him. “That is the reason we keep rushing into the well of the house… to avoid the mosquitoes. Else we would not stop the functioning of the Parliament.”“They were clearly RSS mosquitoes, because even when I kept telling them – ‘Shoo‘, they kept returning,” Mr. Gandhi said. “Only RSS mosquitoes are this intolerant.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/21/rahul-gandhi-claims-vendetta-politics-after-getting-a-mosquito-bite-in-parliament/
December 19, 2015
Company selling bottled air to sell both bottled tolerance and intolerance in India
Satire...
New Delhi/ China: ‘Vitality Air’ – the Canadian startup that recently started selling bottled fresh air in China – today announced plans to enter the Indian market too. However, the company said that the market for selling a couple of other commodities was larger in India than bottled fresh air.
“We will launch bottles of both tolerant and intolerant air in India, “Sam Jones, CEO of Vitality Air said. “We have seen that people in India do not care too much about dying from side effects of pollution. Instead we have found the chemical formulation of both tolerant and intolerant air molecules. After inhaling these molecules, an individual is likely to become tolerant if he uses our tolerant canister and vice versa for the intolerant canister”.
When asked about the timelines of the launch, Mr. Jones said, “We will launch it when the next Parliament session starts. That way, Members of Parliament will be able to gift these canisters to each other in the session”.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/18/company-selling-bottled-air-to-sell-both-bottled-tolerance-and-intolerance-in-india/
New Delhi/ China: ‘Vitality Air’ – the Canadian startup that recently started selling bottled fresh air in China – today announced plans to enter the Indian market too. However, the company said that the market for selling a couple of other commodities was larger in India than bottled fresh air.
“We will launch bottles of both tolerant and intolerant air in India, “Sam Jones, CEO of Vitality Air said. “We have seen that people in India do not care too much about dying from side effects of pollution. Instead we have found the chemical formulation of both tolerant and intolerant air molecules. After inhaling these molecules, an individual is likely to become tolerant if he uses our tolerant canister and vice versa for the intolerant canister”.
When asked about the timelines of the launch, Mr. Jones said, “We will launch it when the next Parliament session starts. That way, Members of Parliament will be able to gift these canisters to each other in the session”.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/18/company-selling-bottled-air-to-sell-both-bottled-tolerance-and-intolerance-in-india/
December 18, 2015
Kejriwal blames Earth for rotating too fast after he slips in bathroom
Satire...
New Delhi: Arvind Kejriwal today came out with a scathing statement after he slipped in his bathroom while bathing. Just a day after claiming that Modi/ Jaitley were responsible for the CBI raid on a Delhi government bureaucrat, Mr. Kejriwal blamed the earth for rotating too fast as the cause for him slipping.
“Go and tell Mr. Modi that his strategy will not work”, Kejriwal said angrily to a bunch of reporters gathered outside the Delhi Secretariat. “Today for ten seconds, the earth seemed to rotate too fast and that too in the wrong direction and I slipped while taking a bath”. When someone in the press asked Kejriwal if he had suffered from an easier to explain attack of vertigo, Kejriwal refuted the claim and said, “It is Modi… We have proof. We will show the proof soon”.
Meanwhile, Congress protested in the Rajya Sabha and blocked functioning of the Upper House as usual blaming the BJP for Kejriwal slipping.
“The RSS has done this earlier to me too,” Rahul Gandhi said. “This strategy of intolerance will not work in India. We will protest against this for the next few days, before we find some other topic to protest on.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/18/kejriwal-blames-earth-for-rotating-too-fast-after-he-slips-in-bathroom/
New Delhi: Arvind Kejriwal today came out with a scathing statement after he slipped in his bathroom while bathing. Just a day after claiming that Modi/ Jaitley were responsible for the CBI raid on a Delhi government bureaucrat, Mr. Kejriwal blamed the earth for rotating too fast as the cause for him slipping.
“Go and tell Mr. Modi that his strategy will not work”, Kejriwal said angrily to a bunch of reporters gathered outside the Delhi Secretariat. “Today for ten seconds, the earth seemed to rotate too fast and that too in the wrong direction and I slipped while taking a bath”. When someone in the press asked Kejriwal if he had suffered from an easier to explain attack of vertigo, Kejriwal refuted the claim and said, “It is Modi… We have proof. We will show the proof soon”.Meanwhile, Congress protested in the Rajya Sabha and blocked functioning of the Upper House as usual blaming the BJP for Kejriwal slipping.
“The RSS has done this earlier to me too,” Rahul Gandhi said. “This strategy of intolerance will not work in India. We will protest against this for the next few days, before we find some other topic to protest on.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/18/kejriwal-blames-earth-for-rotating-too-fast-after-he-slips-in-bathroom/
December 11, 2015
Driver invested in National Herald without telling us: Sonia Gandhi
Another one in the latest Salman series. Couldn't resist. Satire.
10 Janpath, Delhi: Boldened apparently by Salman Khan’s acquittal in the 13 year old Bandra hit and run case, Sonia Gandhi today claimed that the National Herald case too involved the Gandhis’ driver. Speaking at a national meet of the Congress party today, Ms. Gandhi said that Tadapit Kumar, Rahul and her driver of fifteen years, was the actual investor in National Herald and not the Gandhis.
“I want to confirm today that it was our driver, Tadapit-ji, who had given the Rs. 90 Crore loan to acquire a controlling stake in National Herald,” Ms. Gandhi said, amid cheers and applause from the crowd of Congress party-men at the meet. “”Tadapit-ji did so without informing Rahul or me, and his only mistake was that he happened to once share a cigarette with Mr. Subramanian Swamy’s driver, post which Mr. Swamy started falsely implicating us in this case.”
“It is the intolerance of the Narendra Modi government that they are targeting innocent people like us, whose drivers happened to innocently invest 90 Crores in a company,” she continued. “We will raise this issue on the floor of the house.”
10 Janpath, Delhi: Boldened apparently by Salman Khan’s acquittal in the 13 year old Bandra hit and run case, Sonia Gandhi today claimed that the National Herald case too involved the Gandhis’ driver. Speaking at a national meet of the Congress party today, Ms. Gandhi said that Tadapit Kumar, Rahul and her driver of fifteen years, was the actual investor in National Herald and not the Gandhis.“I want to confirm today that it was our driver, Tadapit-ji, who had given the Rs. 90 Crore loan to acquire a controlling stake in National Herald,” Ms. Gandhi said, amid cheers and applause from the crowd of Congress party-men at the meet. “”Tadapit-ji did so without informing Rahul or me, and his only mistake was that he happened to once share a cigarette with Mr. Subramanian Swamy’s driver, post which Mr. Swamy started falsely implicating us in this case.”
“It is the intolerance of the Narendra Modi government that they are targeting innocent people like us, whose drivers happened to innocently invest 90 Crores in a company,” she continued. “We will raise this issue on the floor of the house.”
Delhi man buys car with square root of negative two on the number plate
Satire...
New Delhi: Faced with the prospect of having to use unreliable public transport for up to three days a week, Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working for an MNC in Gurgaon but residing in South Delhi found a novel way to solve his impending woes. Tadapit traded in his old Honda City for a smaller car with square root of negative two on the number plate.
“I have to travel twenty five kilometers every day from home to office”, Tadapit said. “The only way I can do that by public transport is if I change three buses, or change two buses, take the Metro and then take one of those congested shared autos… or walk to work… none of which is an option really with a boss like Chaddha who expects me to be in office by 9:30 sharp and cancels my attendance if I come in at 9:31. So, you see, I had to do this number plate thing”.
“Square root of negative two is an imaginary number – far from being even or odd”, Tadapit said. “Any division by two will lead to an imaginary result… hence, for all mathematical purposes, my license plate and thus by extension my car too has to be imaginary”.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/delhi-man-buys-car-with-square-root-of-negative-two-on-the-number-plate/
New Delhi: Faced with the prospect of having to use unreliable public transport for up to three days a week, Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working for an MNC in Gurgaon but residing in South Delhi found a novel way to solve his impending woes. Tadapit traded in his old Honda City for a smaller car with square root of negative two on the number plate.
“I have to travel twenty five kilometers every day from home to office”, Tadapit said. “The only way I can do that by public transport is if I change three buses, or change two buses, take the Metro and then take one of those congested shared autos… or walk to work… none of which is an option really with a boss like Chaddha who expects me to be in office by 9:30 sharp and cancels my attendance if I come in at 9:31. So, you see, I had to do this number plate thing”.“Square root of negative two is an imaginary number – far from being even or odd”, Tadapit said. “Any division by two will lead to an imaginary result… hence, for all mathematical purposes, my license plate and thus by extension my car too has to be imaginary”.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/delhi-man-buys-car-with-square-root-of-negative-two-on-the-number-plate/
Salman Khan not only innocent, but a virgin too: Bombay High Court
Inspired by the acquittal... Satire...
Mumbai: After acquitting Salman Khan in the thirteen year old hit and run case, the Bombay High court claimed that Salman or ‘Bhai’ as he is popularly known, was not only innocent but a virgin as well. The almost fifty year old Salman had claimed to be a virgin on Karan Johar’s eponymous show,‘Koffee with Karan”, a few years ago.
“The court case proves a malicious intent to malign the image of Mr. Khan who is as innocent as Robert Vadra”, Justice Joshi, the presiding judge at the High Court said in his order acquitting the actor. “This court strongly believes every word that Mr. Khan has uttered as the gospel truth, including his claim of being a virgin.”
‘Bhai’ fans celebrated the verdict with victory processions throughout the city. Several of them agreed with the Court’s assessment of the actor’s virginity. “Itne busy aadmee hain bhai… karne ka time nahin toh milega hoga,” Vikresh, a Bandra resident said, while distributing laddoos.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/salman-khan-not-only-innocent-but-a-virgin-too-bombay-high-court/
Mumbai: After acquitting Salman Khan in the thirteen year old hit and run case, the Bombay High court claimed that Salman or ‘Bhai’ as he is popularly known, was not only innocent but a virgin as well. The almost fifty year old Salman had claimed to be a virgin on Karan Johar’s eponymous show,‘Koffee with Karan”, a few years ago.“The court case proves a malicious intent to malign the image of Mr. Khan who is as innocent as Robert Vadra”, Justice Joshi, the presiding judge at the High Court said in his order acquitting the actor. “This court strongly believes every word that Mr. Khan has uttered as the gospel truth, including his claim of being a virgin.”
‘Bhai’ fans celebrated the verdict with victory processions throughout the city. Several of them agreed with the Court’s assessment of the actor’s virginity. “Itne busy aadmee hain bhai… karne ka time nahin toh milega hoga,” Vikresh, a Bandra resident said, while distributing laddoos.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/salman-khan-not-only-innocent-but-a-virgin-too-bombay-high-court/
Faith in corruption restored with Salman verdict, black money begins returning to India
Satire...
Mumbai: On the same day that the Bombay High Court acquitted Salman Khan of all charges in the infamous Bandra hit and run case 13 years ago, a little over thousand crore in black money returned to India. Businessmen brought back black money parked abroad, convinced that the no one would prosecute the wealthy and the well-connected.
“If Salman had gone to jail, we would have lost faith in our judicial system”, Babu Yadav, a Bihar based businessman said, using his country-made pistol to shoot in the air, in celebration. “Just like the High Court has asked the police to prove that Salman was drunk, we will ask the government to prove that this money is black. After all, the color of this money is still the same”.
Investors pumped money into the the stock markets as well and the Sensex rose by a 1000 points as a result. Foreign investors returned to Indian equities, some of them confirming that with Salman now free, ‘achhe din’ were finally here. “We are happy that Mr. Khan is free,” Mark Mobius, CEO of Franklin Templeton said, “and we congratulate the Modi government wholeheartedly for finally festering a culture of tolerance. What best to counter claims of intolerance than letting off a murderer?”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/faith-in-corruption-restored-with-salman-verdict-black-money-begins-returning-to-india-sensex-rises-1000-points/
Mumbai: On the same day that the Bombay High Court acquitted Salman Khan of all charges in the infamous Bandra hit and run case 13 years ago, a little over thousand crore in black money returned to India. Businessmen brought back black money parked abroad, convinced that the no one would prosecute the wealthy and the well-connected.
“If Salman had gone to jail, we would have lost faith in our judicial system”, Babu Yadav, a Bihar based businessman said, using his country-made pistol to shoot in the air, in celebration. “Just like the High Court has asked the police to prove that Salman was drunk, we will ask the government to prove that this money is black. After all, the color of this money is still the same”.Investors pumped money into the the stock markets as well and the Sensex rose by a 1000 points as a result. Foreign investors returned to Indian equities, some of them confirming that with Salman now free, ‘achhe din’ were finally here. “We are happy that Mr. Khan is free,” Mark Mobius, CEO of Franklin Templeton said, “and we congratulate the Modi government wholeheartedly for finally festering a culture of tolerance. What best to counter claims of intolerance than letting off a murderer?”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/faith-in-corruption-restored-with-salman-verdict-black-money-begins-returning-to-india-sensex-rises-1000-points/
November 22, 2015
Book Review: The Bro Code by Matt Kuhn
One of the many attempts to cash in on HIMYM mania, The Bro Code shouldn't be read unless you get it as a PDF for free in your mail box like I did a few years back. Sucker that I am, I still bought the paperback and was thus, thoroughly disappointed.The Bro Code is really a long blog post and not a book. You can read it in thirty minutes... and eventually the overuse of the word 'Bro' in everything is sure to get on your nerves.
I read it with another book at the same time (Reluctant Fundamentalist), that's why I managed to tolerate it. Read alone, the book is probably worse.
November 9, 2015
Book Review: Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn
As I read Gillian Flynn's Sharp Objects, which I admittedly purchased only because I had been shaken by the Gone Girl movie and the fact that it was on a decently hefty discount on Amazon, I was reminded of a 90's author who wrote dark, often disgusting books - books that you could not turn your gaze away from, even as you read while growing increasingly disgusted. Chuck Palahniuk. Flynn is more refined in her storytelling - her 'unreliable narrators' start off as reliable, balanced, put together people with average American lives (in both Gone Girl and Sharp Objects) - yet the darkness that follows reminded me of Palahniuk's characters.
A very interesting read - and I wonder if Flynn will agree that her writing is Palahniuk inspired. Or maybe I am drawing a comparison simply because they broadly use the same narratorial technique. The only reason this is a three and not a four star, is because I had broadly guessed the ending and half the fun of reading a thriller is in the climax.
Dark and interesting nevertheless.
October 11, 2015
CEO fired for not using enough CEO-catchphrases
Satire.
Bangalore: Dooggy, a startup that recently raised a million dollars in funds from VCs here in Bangalore, has confirmed in a statement today that it has fired its CEO. Tadapit Prasad, an IIM-A 2000 passout and a Unilever alumni, was apparently fired since he never used any of the usual catchphrases CEOs are associated with.
“We are a startup that does pet dog makeovers and very few people take us seriously”, Sachin Dutta, the founder of Dooggy said. “So, we hired a professional CEO because having someone who is ex-IIM-A and ex-HUL just makes it so much simpler to get funds from VCs. Before we hired Tadapit, VCs would just laugh at us. In fact, Sequoia called us to their office just so they could laugh at us”.
“It worked for a while and we even got a million dollars in funding”, Dutta continued. “But soon we realized that all Tadapit had was the ability to manage our business and none of the showboating we needed from a professional CEO. He didn’t play golf, wear cufflinks or Rolexes. Most of all, he never used phrases like ‘lipstick on a pig’, ‘let us double-click on that’, ‘where the rubber meets the road’, etc. It felt like our office peon Jayaprasad had learnt English and gotten 15 years FMCG experience… there was no CEO type feel”.
“We will now hire a CEO who is truly CEO material”, Dutta concluded.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/10/11/ceo-fired-for-not-using-enough-ceo-catchphrases/
Bangalore: Dooggy, a startup that recently raised a million dollars in funds from VCs here in Bangalore, has confirmed in a statement today that it has fired its CEO. Tadapit Prasad, an IIM-A 2000 passout and a Unilever alumni, was apparently fired since he never used any of the usual catchphrases CEOs are associated with.
“We are a startup that does pet dog makeovers and very few people take us seriously”, Sachin Dutta, the founder of Dooggy said. “So, we hired a professional CEO because having someone who is ex-IIM-A and ex-HUL just makes it so much simpler to get funds from VCs. Before we hired Tadapit, VCs would just laugh at us. In fact, Sequoia called us to their office just so they could laugh at us”.
“It worked for a while and we even got a million dollars in funding”, Dutta continued. “But soon we realized that all Tadapit had was the ability to manage our business and none of the showboating we needed from a professional CEO. He didn’t play golf, wear cufflinks or Rolexes. Most of all, he never used phrases like ‘lipstick on a pig’, ‘let us double-click on that’, ‘where the rubber meets the road’, etc. It felt like our office peon Jayaprasad had learnt English and gotten 15 years FMCG experience… there was no CEO type feel”.
“We will now hire a CEO who is truly CEO material”, Dutta concluded.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/10/11/ceo-fired-for-not-using-enough-ceo-catchphrases/
