Vaibhav Anand's Blog, page 13
June 14, 2015
After mobile internet, Idea now targets air; Idea Air Network launched
Inspired by Idea's IIN moronic-ness. Satire.
Mumbai: After running a large scale campaign depicting mobile internet as an “Idea Cellular invention”, the telecom company has gone ahead and staked claim to having invented a special kind of air as well.
A company spokesperson said that any air that had Idea mobile network waves traveling through it would now be called IAN or Idea Air Network.
“We firmly believe that just like IIN or Idea Internet Network, IAN or Idea Air Network would be much better for people,” the spokesperson said in a press conference, “IIN enables people to become far more educated than any IIM would. Similarly, IAN would help people to breathe much better than normal and be better human beings, in general.”
When asked how air with Idea airwaves was different from normal air, the spokesperson replied, “It’s all very technical, you will not understand. Also we have already spent several crores on the campaign already, so we’ll make sure people think it is true, even if it is not. You guys shouldn’t worry about that.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/06/14/after-mobile-internet-idea-now-targets-air-idea-air-network-launched/
Mumbai: After running a large scale campaign depicting mobile internet as an “Idea Cellular invention”, the telecom company has gone ahead and staked claim to having invented a special kind of air as well.
A company spokesperson said that any air that had Idea mobile network waves traveling through it would now be called IAN or Idea Air Network.
“We firmly believe that just like IIN or Idea Internet Network, IAN or Idea Air Network would be much better for people,” the spokesperson said in a press conference, “IIN enables people to become far more educated than any IIM would. Similarly, IAN would help people to breathe much better than normal and be better human beings, in general.”When asked how air with Idea airwaves was different from normal air, the spokesperson replied, “It’s all very technical, you will not understand. Also we have already spent several crores on the campaign already, so we’ll make sure people think it is true, even if it is not. You guys shouldn’t worry about that.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/06/14/after-mobile-internet-idea-now-targets-air-idea-air-network-launched/
Afraid of Arnab Goswami, Singapore withdraws clean chit for Maggi
Couldn't resist... Satire.
Delhi/ Singapore: After making headlines for allowing the sale of Maggi noodles made in India, Singapore has gone ahead and withdrawn the clean chit.
While the nation state that it was banning the sale pending a secondary review, sources from within the Singapore government have confirmed that the ban occurred because several officials started getting calls from the Times Now office.
“A certain Mr. Arnab Goswami from some channel called Times Now has been calling several of us through the week, asking us ‘India wanted to know why we did not ban Maggi’,” a Singapore government official said, on condition of anonymity.
“He keeps shouting at us even when we give him rational explanations. He threatened some of us that he would travel to Singapore and question us in person as well. We are genuinely scared of this fellow; most of us have increased our medical insurance limits after Jack Qi in the Finance Ministry got high blood pressure from one such call.”
“We did not know India wanted to know so badly,” the official said.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/06/14/afraid-of-arnab-goswami-singapore-withdraws-clean-chit-for-maggi/
Delhi/ Singapore: After making headlines for allowing the sale of Maggi noodles made in India, Singapore has gone ahead and withdrawn the clean chit.
While the nation state that it was banning the sale pending a secondary review, sources from within the Singapore government have confirmed that the ban occurred because several officials started getting calls from the Times Now office.“A certain Mr. Arnab Goswami from some channel called Times Now has been calling several of us through the week, asking us ‘India wanted to know why we did not ban Maggi’,” a Singapore government official said, on condition of anonymity.
“He keeps shouting at us even when we give him rational explanations. He threatened some of us that he would travel to Singapore and question us in person as well. We are genuinely scared of this fellow; most of us have increased our medical insurance limits after Jack Qi in the Finance Ministry got high blood pressure from one such call.”
“We did not know India wanted to know so badly,” the official said.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/06/14/afraid-of-arnab-goswami-singapore-withdraws-clean-chit-for-maggi/
June 13, 2015
Baba Ram Raheem Singh elated to find MSG in Maggi
Satire. Inspired by the Maggi controversy...
Punjab: Even as the government ordered recall of Maggi noodle packets from across India, Baba Gurmeet Ram Raheem Singh Ji Insaan – the figurehead of Dera Sacha Sauda – announced his elation at there being “MSG” in Maggi.
“I am happy that MSG is also in Maggi now, so soon after I put it in movie theatres,” Mr. Insaan said, referring to his movie “Messenger of God”. And then suddenly cradling a packet of Maggi in his hand, he began singing, “Never Ever, I Forget You Never Ever, without You My Life Never Ever, You Are Mine Forever, You Every One`s Pride You Every One`s Life For Ever For Ever.”
This reporter later found out that this was a song from the same MSG movie which starred Mr. Insaan.
Meanwhile supporters outside the Baba’s house could be seen celebrating with packets of Maggi.
“These idiots are the only people who are buying Maggi right now,” a kirana owner near the Baba’s Ashram said. “They are actually paying twenty rupees for a ten rupee pack.”
“Koi hum mein sant kehta hai, koi kehta hai farishta, koi kehta hai guru, toh koi kehta hai bhagwan … lekin hum toh hai sirf Insaan!” Baba G. R. R. S. Ji Insaan concluded, while slurping from a bowl of Maggi.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/06/11/baba-ram-raheem-singh-elated-to-find-msg-in-maggi/
Punjab: Even as the government ordered recall of Maggi noodle packets from across India, Baba Gurmeet Ram Raheem Singh Ji Insaan – the figurehead of Dera Sacha Sauda – announced his elation at there being “MSG” in Maggi.
“I am happy that MSG is also in Maggi now, so soon after I put it in movie theatres,” Mr. Insaan said, referring to his movie “Messenger of God”. And then suddenly cradling a packet of Maggi in his hand, he began singing, “Never Ever, I Forget You Never Ever, without You My Life Never Ever, You Are Mine Forever, You Every One`s Pride You Every One`s Life For Ever For Ever.”This reporter later found out that this was a song from the same MSG movie which starred Mr. Insaan.
Meanwhile supporters outside the Baba’s house could be seen celebrating with packets of Maggi.
“These idiots are the only people who are buying Maggi right now,” a kirana owner near the Baba’s Ashram said. “They are actually paying twenty rupees for a ten rupee pack.”
“Koi hum mein sant kehta hai, koi kehta hai farishta, koi kehta hai guru, toh koi kehta hai bhagwan … lekin hum toh hai sirf Insaan!” Baba G. R. R. S. Ji Insaan concluded, while slurping from a bowl of Maggi.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/06/11/baba-ram-raheem-singh-elated-to-find-msg-in-maggi/
June 9, 2015
Book Review: Dhanda by Shobha Bondre
I got onto this book after reading the fantastic 'Rokda' from the same publisher. I am in a phase where I am finding contemporary Indian history interesting, which is why I breezed through Shobha Bondre's 'Dhanda' in two days.
Though I liked the book, it had two major flaws. One, except the Gujarati Mayor character, I had heard of none of the other Gujaratis before. To be frank, I expected Ambani, Adani, et al to feature in the book. Two, unlike Rokda the book was written in first person and the narrative shifted several times from the protagonist to the protagonist's wife to the protagonist's son and so on.
Even so, the book was a breezy airport read. What struck me was the almost infinite energy that Gujaratis possess. If half of us did our jobs or businesses with half that passion, we would have books written about us too!
June 8, 2015
Book Review: Belong by Fazle Hasnayen
A heartfelt story of a man's struggle in life. Would have been a masterpiece in the hands of an author with some degree of command over the English language. Unfortunately, the grammar in the book is so bad that it throws you off. Still, wasn't too bad.
Read it in a period when I was more forgiving of Indian authors.
Read it in a period when I was more forgiving of Indian authors.
May 28, 2015
Daya attempts suicide after CID office introduces ‘open door’ policy
Satire.
Mumbai: Daya, a man who has been Chief Inspector for over 20 years, reportedly attempted suicide after CID today announced an ‘open door policy’.
Chief Inspector Daya who was accustomed to entering the office or barging into rooms by breaking down a door or two, was reported to have been distraught ever since the announcement was first made.
“Daya was unable to recover from the shock that he would never be able to break open doors in our office anymore,” Inspector Abhijeet – Daya’s colleague and apparent confidant – said.
“In fact even our ACP Saheb, ACP Pradyuman, would usually begin the day by shouting out ‘Daya darwaaza tod do’, so he is quite distraught with this new policy as well.”
This Faking News reporter found Daya bear-hugging a discarded wooden door in his hospital room. “I wonder what I will do with my life now,” he said.
Meanwhile Rahul Gandhi raised Daya’s issue in the Parliament. “Why is this ‘suit-boot’ sarkaar is removing red tape from everywhere? In our ten year rule, we closed doors on literally everything.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/26/daya-attempts-suicide-after-cid-office-introduces-open-door-policy/
Mumbai: Daya, a man who has been Chief Inspector for over 20 years, reportedly attempted suicide after CID today announced an ‘open door policy’.
Chief Inspector Daya who was accustomed to entering the office or barging into rooms by breaking down a door or two, was reported to have been distraught ever since the announcement was first made.
“Daya was unable to recover from the shock that he would never be able to break open doors in our office anymore,” Inspector Abhijeet – Daya’s colleague and apparent confidant – said.“In fact even our ACP Saheb, ACP Pradyuman, would usually begin the day by shouting out ‘Daya darwaaza tod do’, so he is quite distraught with this new policy as well.”
This Faking News reporter found Daya bear-hugging a discarded wooden door in his hospital room. “I wonder what I will do with my life now,” he said.
Meanwhile Rahul Gandhi raised Daya’s issue in the Parliament. “Why is this ‘suit-boot’ sarkaar is removing red tape from everywhere? In our ten year rule, we closed doors on literally everything.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/26/daya-attempts-suicide-after-cid-office-introduces-open-door-policy/
May 7, 2015
Hosteler beaten up for not having an opinion on Salman Khan verdict
Salman Khan is now, my Rahul Gandhi. A new-found gold mine of satire!
New Delhi. A hosteler at Delhi Technical University (DTU, formerly Delhi College of Engineering) was beaten up after he confessed to not having any opinion on Salman Khan’s five year jail term.
The incident took place last night after a bunch of hostelers got into a tense argument after watching Arnab Goswami rake up the issue in his Newshour segment and ended up beating the only person in the room who did not proffer any opinion.
“Tadapit Prasad is from Kerala; so he perhaps did not even know Bollywood,” one of the beaten-up hostelers friends said, on condition of anonymity. “We usually watch Arnab Goswami’s show to laugh at Arnab Goswami but yesterday tempers were running high between a faction of us that supported the jail term and a faction that was wearing Being Human T-shirts and hence, supported Salman Khan. Both these factions began to shout slogans and jeer and eventually after someone in the ‘Jail Term’ faction referred to the mother of someone in the ‘Being Human’ faction rather colorfully and people almost came to blows. It was at this moment that Tadapit raised his voice and said that Salman Khan was not worth fighting over and that he did not care whether Salman Khan eventually got released from jail or died there.”
“It was at this point that both factions beat him up instead of each other,” Tadapit’s friend concluded.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/hosteler-beaten-up-for-not-having-an-opinion-on-salman-khan-verdict/
New Delhi. A hosteler at Delhi Technical University (DTU, formerly Delhi College of Engineering) was beaten up after he confessed to not having any opinion on Salman Khan’s five year jail term.
The incident took place last night after a bunch of hostelers got into a tense argument after watching Arnab Goswami rake up the issue in his Newshour segment and ended up beating the only person in the room who did not proffer any opinion.
“Tadapit Prasad is from Kerala; so he perhaps did not even know Bollywood,” one of the beaten-up hostelers friends said, on condition of anonymity. “We usually watch Arnab Goswami’s show to laugh at Arnab Goswami but yesterday tempers were running high between a faction of us that supported the jail term and a faction that was wearing Being Human T-shirts and hence, supported Salman Khan. Both these factions began to shout slogans and jeer and eventually after someone in the ‘Jail Term’ faction referred to the mother of someone in the ‘Being Human’ faction rather colorfully and people almost came to blows. It was at this moment that Tadapit raised his voice and said that Salman Khan was not worth fighting over and that he did not care whether Salman Khan eventually got released from jail or died there.”“It was at this point that both factions beat him up instead of each other,” Tadapit’s friend concluded.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/hosteler-beaten-up-for-not-having-an-opinion-on-salman-khan-verdict/
May 6, 2015
Abhijeet’s driver claims responsibility for “Sleep like a dog, Die like a dog” tweet
Oh, what a delicious controversy! In Salman Khan's words, "too much fun".
Satire.
Mumbai: In the wake of singer Abhijeet Bhattacharya making a controversial tweet in support of Salman Khan post his conviction in the hit and run case, Abhijeet’s driver has come forward and claimed responsibility for the tweet.
The Twitter handle @abhijeetsinger had earlier posted today: “Kutta rd pe soyega kutte ki maut marega, roads garib ke baap ki nahi hai I ws homles an year nvr slept on rd.”
Apart from bad spellings, it meant that poor people shouldn’t have slept on roads (though the victims were sleeping on footpath), because road didn’t belong to them, and that if one slept like dogs on roads, they die like dogs on roads.
Tadapit Kumar, the driver in question, claimed that he had tweeted from his employer, Abhijeet’s phone, as soon as he saw the news on Salman Khan’s conviction.
“I found Abhijeet sir’s phone and find this blue bird on it and then use it to send SMS to my friend about Salman bhai’s jailing. It is not Abhijeet sir who is doing this,” he clarified.
When asked about the shiny Rolex on his wrist, Tadapit replied, “I am buying this with my hard earned money. Not any gift Abhijeet sir has given me.”
Meanwhile latest news report suggest that Salman Khan’s driver has decided to appeal in Bombay High Court to get punished.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/abhijeets-driver-claims-responsibility-for-sleep-like-a-dog-die-like-a-dog-tweet/
Satire.
Mumbai: In the wake of singer Abhijeet Bhattacharya making a controversial tweet in support of Salman Khan post his conviction in the hit and run case, Abhijeet’s driver has come forward and claimed responsibility for the tweet.
The Twitter handle @abhijeetsinger had earlier posted today: “Kutta rd pe soyega kutte ki maut marega, roads garib ke baap ki nahi hai I ws homles an year nvr slept on rd.”
Apart from bad spellings, it meant that poor people shouldn’t have slept on roads (though the victims were sleeping on footpath), because road didn’t belong to them, and that if one slept like dogs on roads, they die like dogs on roads.Tadapit Kumar, the driver in question, claimed that he had tweeted from his employer, Abhijeet’s phone, as soon as he saw the news on Salman Khan’s conviction.
“I found Abhijeet sir’s phone and find this blue bird on it and then use it to send SMS to my friend about Salman bhai’s jailing. It is not Abhijeet sir who is doing this,” he clarified.
When asked about the shiny Rolex on his wrist, Tadapit replied, “I am buying this with my hard earned money. Not any gift Abhijeet sir has given me.”
Meanwhile latest news report suggest that Salman Khan’s driver has decided to appeal in Bombay High Court to get punished.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/abhijeets-driver-claims-responsibility-for-sleep-like-a-dog-die-like-a-dog-tweet/
May 5, 2015
After being ridiculed for copying Nepal tributes from his phone, Rahul Gandhi to get SIM card implanted in his brain
Satire!
New Delhi. After being ridiculed across social and traditional media for copying tributes for Nepal earthquake victims from his phone, Rahul Gandhi, the Congress heir-apparent has reportedly decided to go ahead and get a SIM card implanted in his brain. Sources within the Congress party on the condition of anonymity said that the implant was being sponsored by party funds.
“It is a cool new thing,” a Congress leader said, on condition of anonymity. “Rahul baba can now get Sonia madamji’s commands or suggestions wirelessly, instead of having to copy them or refer to them on his phone. It is new technology that the Congress party is bringing to India. What is Mr. Modi doing in his ‘Make in India’?”
Meanwhile, sources from within the Chinese company executing the implant said that the experimental move came with certain side effects. “After the implant, Mr. Gandhi might heat up unexpectedly at times,” an official at Chooyee Technology said, “And at times, start ringing. The Congress party has asked us to record some of his famous speeches as ringtones, in case he starts ringing.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/after-being-ridiculed-for-copying-nepal-tributes-from-his-phone-rahul-gandhi-to-get-sim-card-implanted-in-his-brain/
New Delhi. After being ridiculed across social and traditional media for copying tributes for Nepal earthquake victims from his phone, Rahul Gandhi, the Congress heir-apparent has reportedly decided to go ahead and get a SIM card implanted in his brain. Sources within the Congress party on the condition of anonymity said that the implant was being sponsored by party funds.
“It is a cool new thing,” a Congress leader said, on condition of anonymity. “Rahul baba can now get Sonia madamji’s commands or suggestions wirelessly, instead of having to copy them or refer to them on his phone. It is new technology that the Congress party is bringing to India. What is Mr. Modi doing in his ‘Make in India’?”Meanwhile, sources from within the Chinese company executing the implant said that the experimental move came with certain side effects. “After the implant, Mr. Gandhi might heat up unexpectedly at times,” an official at Chooyee Technology said, “And at times, start ringing. The Congress party has asked us to record some of his famous speeches as ringtones, in case he starts ringing.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/after-being-ridiculed-for-copying-nepal-tributes-from-his-phone-rahul-gandhi-to-get-sim-card-implanted-in-his-brain/
April 20, 2015
Book Review: The White Tiger by Arvind Adiga
To me, 'God of Small Things' has always been the gold standard for the kind of book that should win a Booker. Booker winning book after book since has disappointed me sorely. The Booker Prize it seems, is more about the one eyed amongst the blind and not really the best book of the year. That said, 'The White Tiger' is a good book in itself even though one feels the reason it won a Booker is because it showcases the slimy unspoken underbelly of India, all of us Indians are well aware of. In that sense, I think it is an important book (and perhaps that was the criterion for it winning a Booker?) in bringing about (potential) social change.
I did not enjoy 'The White Tiger' too much. It read like an okay-ish blog to me and a big let down compared to Roy's "God of...". That said, it is still readable, even though somewhat predictable.
