Vivienne Craft's Blog, page 5

My Sexual Cycle

Okay so….I do a lot research about sex because of the material that write. And then I share most of that stuff with you guys.

So we have what’s called a sexual cycle. Basically when you want to get it on. Men and women are different. Of course, no surprises there. But most women get the stigma of never wanting sex which is just not true. I guess the key is understanding WHEN we want it.

So as I said, everyone is different.  I’ll share mine so that you can figure out yours. See what sacrifices I make for y’all?

Okay so as far as time of day……I am more of an afternoon and night time person. Mainly because I like sleep more than sex. It wasn’t always like that though. I used to want to do it in the morning but like not the moment my eyes popped open. I needed to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth first. This made the hubbs frustrated because apparently guys can just roll over and get it on.

Now as far as frequency goes…..  I may be more complicated than most or easier depending on how you look at it.

I pretty much want to have sex every day of my life and the more good sex I get the more I want it. But life, kids, bills and dumb shit gets in the way. So time can build up between getting some.  The closer I get to the two week mark of not getting that Vitamin D the crazier I get. And I have no idea why I’m acting all aggravated. And then I check my phone (yes there’s an App for that) and I’m like, “Ohhhhh! I need to get laid.”

Then let’s say husbandry, work and stress make me head into weeks three and four without getting what I need…. I start having uncontrollable urges to dress sexy. I start doubling up my porn time which leads into doubling up on my me time. Then I start flirting with random people.  Everybody starts to look like a possibility. Men and women. Friends and strangers. I start having dreams….Yeah those. This two week deadline is serious business. It gets crazy.

And if more unfortunate circumstances happen and the hubbs doesn’t give it up and I make it past a month. Then I become the sexual camel. All that horniness just goes away like when you have bubble guts out in public and you have to hold it and then it goes to that place….you know wherever bubble guts go until they come back on you with a vengeance. 

My max has been two months without sex. I really don’t want to know or experience the lack of getting it on past that. Usually around the month and a half mark by mind starts telling my body to put out. I will get a pimple. No lie. I will actually break out. Then the dreams start again. In essence, the horniness comes back like those damn bubble guts.

Anyhoo, there’s my sex cycle. Now figure yours out. Happy sexin!

My open letter to Common (Sense)

So I had a dream that I met Common. For most of y’all you know him as the cute black dude on Hell on Wheels but I knew him when….

Anyway back to my dream.  It was so real. I saw him and ran up to him rapid fire speaking on how he affected my life in one way or another. I woke up thinking how true that was. More specifically how he is interwoven in my relationship with my husband. I decided to write this open letter to Common, realizing at the same time it was a love letter to my Hubbs.

I fell in love with you back when you still had sense. I remember the year was 1997 when I first heard One Day It’ll All Make Sense. I was trying to pull away from liking the same thing my older brother liked and I ventured into a music store called Wherehouse  music or maybe it was Soundwaves but it was across from Northline Mall. I felt six degrees cooler just stepping foot in there. I went to the Hip Hop section trying to find something “New”. I pulled the record and stepped up to the listening station. The first song I heard was All night Ft. Erykah Badu. That sealed the deal for me. I went to pay for my find and earned a head nod from the cashier.  I played All Night on repeat…all night.

……Common Sense and Badu

Then I met my Hubbs that next year. He was a true Hip Hop Head into stuff that I had no clue about. He was into Soulquarians and Slum Village and I was into whatever was not that. LOL. I just didn’t know about it yet or how my love for Common Sense was intertwined with them. But I soon learned that My future Hubbs and I would reach common ground (you see what I did there) with Common Sense. I remember how cool I felt when he said, “Whatchu know about Common?”

Then came Like Water For Chocolate….Jesus! This record changed everything. I was young and in love and this was everything. I pretty much rapped every lyric to every song on this record. Every time I hear The Light I can’t help but smile. This became the soundtrack to my love. Me and the Hubbs were newly weds. This song was everything from our ringtones (and still is) to our love notes. I would text him…I ain’t the type to wear matching shirts  and he would text back But I will match your worth. People would look at us crazy because I would I walk up to him and whisper Ticka Ty Ticka Ty Ticka Te Ty and he would whisper back I’ll tell you the rest when I see you.

…..The sex ain’t gone keep you but as my equal I must treat you

Hearing your father spit that hot truth on the end of each record had me but when I found out Pops’ name was Lonnie and so was your gov’ment name—my mind was blown. Here I was making all this sweet love with my Lonnie TO Lonnie, was super crazy. Yeah my husband’s name is Lonnie. All that together just solidified my super fandom.

Then I had an argument with my man because he went through a phase of listening to I used to love HER on freaking repeat. Rapping it over and over. Discussing it with his friends. I was aggravated until I stopped hating and actually listened to the song. Yeah it was about Hip Hop and not about a girl as I previously thought. Let me live, this song came out in 1994 and I was introduced to you in 1997.

I remember my Lonnie and I had an argument about Electric Circus because I wanted to like it but I just didn’t. I felt like it was beyond me in so many ways and he wanted me to open my mind. He was right although I will never tell him. I liked Aquarius and The Dreamer but I had to listen to this album with new ears. Once I did I began to understand what you were trying to do. I understood that I couldn’t put you in my own Hip Hip Box. That you were an artist and you needed to grow. I just wanted to feel the love like I did with Water for Chocolate. Update….I have gone back and listened to this album  (many times) and truly appreciated the genius involved there. Kudos.

Then  came my turn to annoy the hell out of my Hubbs with a Common song. I swear on my life Be spoke to me on another level. Maybe I was ready to be in love again but damn if I didn’t instantly connect with this record. I loved it so much that I jammed it away from my Hubbs. He couldn’t even listen to it no mo. Okay so seriously….I listened to Testify so many times the Hubbs exploded on me. He wanted to know how I could keep listening to the song over and over. Once I heard it I knew the SHE was the Queen Pin. But that song was the freaking JAM! And she was bad ass. Then in the video…..It was Taraji!!! Before she was Cookie and her name was freaking Mrs. Washington!!!! MY LAST NAME!!!! (My Gov’ment name) Hubbs made me vow to listen to it in my headphones but dude….I CAN’T DO IT! That whole album…..every damn song is my JAM. But especially TESTIFY!!!

……..before you lock my love away.

Finding Forever……I want you… This song reminds of well…. doing Grown Folks Thangs. I did my special brand of dance for the Hubbs to this song. Yes Lawd.

I could go on and on but then this letter would be too long. I just wanted to say Thank you for being apart of my life and writing a soundtrack to my love.

 

~VC

 

 

 

Vanishing Act

Okay so….

I’m that person who is the Alpha, overachiever and such…. It’s not really from the need to be in charge but rather the lack of other people stepping up.

This can result in me being the everything person. Meaning in my world people do things or don’t do things because they KNOW I’m there to pick up the pieces. This happens everywhere…. At home, work, in relationships…

It gets tiresome. The older I get the more I realize  that I have been stepping us since I was six years old. That is a long frigging time. And then I started thinking (because I do that a lot), what if I didn’t anymore? What if I just vanished?

Not like for reals go MIA but like stopped doing all the things that I do and only concentrated on me. What if all the decisions I made were for me and not the benefit of someone else? What would that look like? A total disappearing act. A Gone Girl.

Then I snap back to reality. If I actually did that, I would wake up in an episode of Hoarders with CPS knocking on my door. Only to open that door and see an eviction notice on it.

~VC

I’m your best friend?

Okay so I’m actually kind of scared to write this blog because there is 96% chance the person its about will read it but what the heck. This is how I roll. On Front St. and Blast Blvd.

Anyhoo….

I recently had a conversation with a person who out of the blue told me I was their best friend. I was unaware that was how things worked. Isn’t best friendship a mutual thing?

I mean I have known this person for a while. Years even but I rarely see them. And I understand friends barely see each other sometimes. My real bestie and I don’t see each other that often because she lives in another city but I talk to her everyday and if I don’t talk to her then I feel the loss. Like my day ain’t right.

I don’t think I talked to this person in all of 2013. And I definitely know I didn’t talk to them from like 08-10. I just don’t know. And then there was this moment of true awkwardness when the confession was made…

Them:  “You are my best friend.”

Me: …..

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I felt bad because in my world this person doesn’t even come close. Like not even top 10. Like I could name 10 people off the top of my head that I would be closer with than this person. Then my mind start to wonder….

Why are you just NOW telling me this? What is your motivation? What do you hope to gain? Are you lying or do you really feel this way?

I can’t help it I am writer who doesn’t trust anyone. I see plots like that little kid saw dead people.

Then I started to feel bad because maybe I was being neurotic and a little crazy pants. I will admit sometimes (not often) I can go down that road…but I’m usually right which leads me back to my earlier questions.

I still have to wonder though, If you are best friends with someone, shouldn’t that person know?

Shit, maybe I’m just a kick ass friend.

~VC

 

Replacement Queen

Hey y’all I also write books! My new one is out today. Check it out.

Replacement Queen on Amazon!!!!!

 

 

~VC

Naked and Afraid Not for minorities….Still true

Okay so I had my fill of Naked and Afraid because well….I just don’t get it. These people stay out in the wilderness without clothing, water, food or shelter for 21 days and you don’t win NOTHING?! Not a damn thang?! You just go home skinny, bug bitten, and barely alive?

You out cho dang mind…

But….They came out with Naked and Afraid XL.  I was out the stupid survivalist game and they drug me back in.

So get this…

They have people come back! You heard me! The same people who cursed their own souls and damn near died come back. But wait! This time, instead of staying their nekkid behinds in the wilderness for 21 days…They are there for FORTY DAYS! As in 4-0!!!

Now I am no mathematician but I do understand that 40 is greater than 21. And if you barely make it for 21…

Mmkay so they introduce the group. I recognize several of the people. And I still hate them all. No really. The men are all cocky and like, “Me man and me rule nature!” And the women are all, “I may be a woman but I can stay out here as long as any man! I am woman hear me roar…Katy Perry.”

Basically I start mentally signing out at this point but then I see my Alana from Houston (H-TOWN!) I became a fan of hers because she was the first woman to last the full 21 days. Her partner, Macho  Man Rainforest (Not his real name), wussed out with a seizure because his organs were shutting down and had to be airlifted to the medical facility.

Anyhoo, Alana is a make-up artist free balling it in the jungle so she can prove something to herself and she actually makes it. So since she’s there I kind of perk up.

But unfortunately for me things start to go down hill from here. Danielle is a 25 year old vegetarian from New Jersey. I was kinda sorta with her because in her everyday life she is a Wilderness EMT. But like I said she is a vegetarian and she almost died the first time around because she didn’t want to kill and eat anything. Look Bitch! If ever you are really in the wilderness with no food, you do what you have to do to survive. You fucking eat Timon and Pumba if you have to. She was out there licking tree bark and shit. Dying of freaking malnutrition.  And get this! She plans on staying vegan while in the freaking Colombian underbush for 40 days. I wanted to slap her through the TV.

Then here comes Shane “The Alpha Male”. I hate him.

I don’t even want to type words about him, he makes me so sick. Everything has to be his way or he throws a tantrum. And he claims to not need anyone or care what anyone thinks. But later we find out his parents abandoned him and he grew up in the system.  So his abandonment issues make him needy AF with a burning case of asshole syndrome wrapped in a package of emotional immaturity.  He’s a catch. Shit, meeting him now, I think maybe his parents knew something we didn’t know.

Okay Harsh. Sorry :(   But as a 40 year old man I would abandon him in the Foster system for 13 years.

Dude is arguing with his female companion about building a shelter or not. They wind up sleeping on the ground and she gets up the next day with so many bug bites on her that I went into anaphylactic shock for her.

So Shane has pissed me off so much that I am about to delete the episode off the DVR but ohhhhhhhh they saved the best for last.

The BLACK GUY from last season returns. Everyone is so super happy to see him because now he is kind of a celebrity. He’s THE black guy from Naked and Afraid.  So I watch….

There are four groups of 6 people spread out over Columbia to see if they can survive for 40 days. Everyone immediately starts annoying me. They fight over where to stay. When to walk. Build a shelter or no. Where to build. What to build it out of. Where’s water….Shut the fuck up.

Even Alana the Hometown girl starts annoying me. I’m over it. The black guy is in a group with all men. They are Bro-ing it up building a shelter in the middle of the damn day like idiots. No water and no food in the sweltering heat. Oh that’s smart.

The black guy gets severely dehydrated and his organs start shutting down. He has body racking spasms that leave him in the fetal position. And has to leave the game on day two. Proving again……Naked and Afraid is still not for Minorities.

~VC

On second thought

Okay so, I have the kind of face that reads friendly. I guess that’s what it is…..But people feel the need to talk to me…and say anything.

Because it happens all the time, I am usually just amused and then tell my FB family about it. But one story in particular got me to thinking.  Not only do complete strangers feel the need to tell me crazy shit but they sexually harass me too.

Okay here’s what happened. I ran out of ink and printer paper so I went to my neighborhood Office Depot. I was looking like an extra from the movie Set it Off. My look was complete with cornrows, hoodie and sunglasses. I just wanted to run in and run out not walk the runway.

When I got to the checkout, the dude (who was about 22 or 23 y/o) looks me up and down. He says his usual customer service spill but then as I turn to leave he says…. “But them titties tho!” He says it under his breath.

I stopped walking mid-stride and turn to confirm what I heard. I know I have mom hearing but I don’t get it right all the time. (who am I kidding….yes I do).  Anyhoo, when I turned around the guy was super shocked that I heard him.  He looked like he wanted to disappear into the bushes Homer Simpson style.

[image error]I looked down and my hoodie had unzipped showing my very thin undershirt and bra underneath. I re-zipped my hoodie and shook my head.  (At him, not me)

Here’s what made me take a second thought….when I posted about my experience chronicling the never ending weirdness that is my life, the GUYS were outraged for me.  They wanted me to go back and get dude fired. They were mad at how disrespectful that was.

Now I don’t know. Like I said, this type of thing happens all the time to me. Maybe the frequency of these occurrences has desensitized me to the wrongness of it. Maybe it was how young the guy was. Maybe it was the fact that he had been professional up until that point. Maybe it was because he said the offensive remark to himself and not to another person or to me but… I just didn’t get that mad.

As I read through the comments on my post I realized I should have been more mad though. What if someone had said that to my daughter? I would have probably slapped the dude and I definitely would have told his manager. So why was I willing to accept this for myself?

But then I started thinking if I were to go to off on that dude…what do I say to the white lady who stopped to tell me how beautiful she thought black women’s bodies were, especially their butts and that mine was particularly nice. I mean…what? Okay. On the surface that was a compliment but it’s also….not a compliment. It was slightly racist, a little sexist and a lot weird.  The woman who said it was my age. I kind of expect that from someone who is older.  That lady said her comment directly to me not under her breath like the Office Depot dude. Which is worse? or are they both the same?

When I told my FB family about that one….they exploded. (Keep in my I have the rainbow coalition of friends) Everybody was offended for me and had their own opinions to share. I was mostly stunned by the fact that the lady went into detail about how she admired the roundness of my ass more than offended that she was talking about “black women’s” bodies.  I wasn’t really offended by that either. Maybe I should have been? I don’t know.

I have no problem with white people giving black people compliments because…well that shouldn’t be a problem. I just think they way that lady was saying “black women” was the problem. And then their was the whole discussing my ass with a stranger thing. Weird right?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m over thinking things and I should let it go like I did the first time. Unfortunately, for me I know that someone will say something weird, stupid, sexist or whatever to me again. That’s the way of my face. LOL

I have been trying to work on my resting bitch face to scare people away but that doesn’t work either. I think it’s because you can see my dimples even when I’m mad.

Anyhoo, that’s just something I was thinking about.

~VC

 

 

 

That was weird….

Okay so I have been doing a lot of research for inspiration and motivation for writing. Sometimes my research can take me to some weird places. Now I have a lot of questions…..

I have found that I may be more vanilla than I originally thought. And….also that people like some weird shit.

Okay question one…. Have women always stuck the randomest (not a word) objects in their coochie kitties? I mean I knew about cucumbers and shit. Maybe a banana. I had even seen bottles (That is a story for another day. Let’s just say it involved one of my good friends, a stripper and Uncle Luke) but I have seen hair brushes, tooth brushes, a broom stick, the spindle of a staircase, the top of a divider pole at a park, a flashlight and the one that took the cake…..a damn toilet brush. She just stuck the whole thing up in there. I was like No…No.no.no?NO!Noooooooooooooooo.

Which leads me to my next question……Fisting.Why? I mean I know that our lady parts are meant to stretch but…..Is that actually pleasurable? And if a man is doing it to a woman what is he getting out of it? You know damn well your little ding dang ain’t doing shit for a woman that prefers your fist and most of your arm. And then if she can take all that, you know it can’t be that good for him. That would be like throwing a pencil down a hallway. He ain’t hitting no walls. My friends and I talk about sex a lot and we all agree that we have been injured by a penis at one time or another. I can’t imagine a freaking FIST?! Anyhoo…

My final question is…. when did people start masturbating at McDonald’s and Starbucks? Why is this a trend? PSA: Never sit your bare ass on any seat at these places. Tuck your dress under at all costs. Never forget. Wear pants…hell bring a towel and place it over the chair cuz chances are some girl’s open vagina has been on it.

Anyhoo….back to writing.

~VC

Things have meaning

Okay so I have been gone for a minute ….mainly because I have been busy as hell but also I didn’t feel like blogging.  I usually talk about things that are going on or stuff people are talking about.

Let’s face facts here….it’s not good for black people right now. (We had a moment with Obama but besides that…) And the things that are going on now and what people are talking about have angered and depressed me.

Black people are being shot up at church. Black people are being shot by the police. Black people are being harassed at pool parties. White people are pretending to be black and making a mockery of the real black struggle.

It has been really hard for me to be calm and not just rant a bunch of negativity because of the hurt and pain I feel. But over the past couple of weeks I have been hearing, talking about and seeing some things that are concerning to me and I finally felt the need to blog about it.

People it is important to know what things mean. Know the history. Yes, we are progressing as time moves on but racism is still alive and kicking. Only the ire and outrage about racism is dissipating. This is because we don’t pay attention in school (if the real history is even being taught) and no one is taking the time to educate at home anymore and in general people are too lazy or too apathetic to learn about the history of this country.

I have seen plenty of people on my personal FB feed talking about the Confederate flag needing to be left alone. The white people I can understand. That flag IS a part of their history and heritage. It represents a legacy of hate but it is their historical reference. But the brown people??????  What in the entire fuck? You think the confederates liked Mexican people? And you black people riding for it???.  I just shake my head. You KNOW how they felt about you!

The Confederate Flag (and all of its incarnations) was the BANNER for the confederate army. You know the army that fought to KEEP slavery? You know…SLAVERY?!

I know people who brandish the Confederate flag proudly, even on their bodies, talking bout its our heritage. Wait for it…..These people are not white that I’m speaking of. They were Mexican. And not just one or two people but multiple. I was just at a loss for words.

And then there is the Duke’s of Hazard effect….. People up in arms about the toys being pulled and reruns being taken off the air. You have to know who that show was for and not for. Yes, it is a good childhood memory. I know every word to the theme song.  But the car was called the General Lee. If you don’t know who that is, please look it up. One of the best things that I ever learned about him (in school) was what a good man he was supposed to have been. A good man that owned slaves WILLINGLY that he could have set free but thought it was God’s will that black people be slaves.

We may not need to take Duke’s  off the air but know what’s up. Know that if you were black living in the time of that show, Boss Hog was definitely not your friend and the “Good Old Boys” would probably not let you ride in their car. Watch the show and enjoy it but be in the KNOW! What I find funny about the whole thing is I bet 90% of the folks mad ain’t seen that show since they were kids and didn’t even know it still came on. Y’all ain’t on TV land and CMT waiting for it to come on with your popcorn ready. GTFOH

In my opinion, if we did start taking everything racist off the air there would be nothing left on TV. LOL

Hell, one of my mom’s favorites was All in the Family and Archie said Nigger on that show.  Or my all time favorite cartoon Tom & Jerry. That I watch with my kids to THIS day. Racist AF.

You gotta know what this shit means and take the time to teach your kids.  You bet your sweet ass racists are teaching their kids what it means and how to hate.  Teach yours to be aware and to know what to avoid and most importantly how to love.

Listen, I know that people are in a rush for equality. Racial, Gender and Sexual but in our rush to make everything okay we are accepting anything and everything. You have to know that symbols of hate are not okay. And you shouldn’t stand up for them. If you need a topic to shake a fist at…..man just pick one. Legal injustice, Police Brutality, Human Trafficking, Modern Day Slavery, Poverty, Hunger, Corporate and Government Greed, Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, That girl that got drug all over the ground with a knee in her back for being at a pool party in Texas. You can sit down for the Confederate Flag and stuff named after Robert E. Lee. Or as my bestie says….You can have several seats.

Speaking of….Here’s a good read on Robert E. Lee.——–>New York Times-Robert E. Lee

 

Just my two cents….Lemme get back to writing about love and hot sex.

~VC

Chubby Fine #2

I have been asked about what I do for weightloss and healthy living.

Okay I’m gonna be completely honest.  I workout between 3 and 5 times a week. Sometimes I get lazy.  Sometimes I get busy. Sometimes I eat like a fatty.

But here’s my philosophy….I can not JUST eat clean. I just can’t. I love food and I know how to cook so I eat. Now I do eat healthy the majority of the time but every now and then I eat nachos. Ahhhhhh Nachos *Homer Simpson voice*  Sometimes I eat Ice cream and holy hell I try to eat brownies once a month. But I don’t always do it.

And yes I work out. But I am no “Follow me on Instagram” workout professional. In fact, every workout I feel like I am going to die. Every workout I want to quit. I’m not exaggerating. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

Some days I never catch my second wind. The other day I went on my regular four mile run and two miles in, I literally felt like I was going to die. I was talking to God and asking him not to let me die in front of my child. I contemplated sitting my ass on the side of the road and calling an Uber to come pick me up. I pulled myself together and put one foot in front of the other and made it home.

It was not my best moment. In fact that is why I never post workout videos and very few after photos because my workout process is not pretty. It never is. My best moments and feelings of accomplishment come after I have showered and recovered.  But I was asked what I do when I work out.

I workout a lot at home because I do not belong to a gym. I do a lot of fast paced walking and short term running. I can’t do long runs because I have a bad knee. I run and walk in different places outside. I change the scenery a lot. I walk through the woods. I run through my neighborhood.  I go to various parks.  And then of course I use my faithful treadmill. I am a fan of HiiT workouts because they are short and burn a lot of calories. Also I get bored quickly and I can always find a different HiiT workout on the internet.

And finally I was asked about my results…. I started my workout journey in 2010 but really took it seriously in 2013. I lost 58lbs going hard. Unfortunately, in the last 2 years I gained back 30 lbs.  Because I continue to workout I didn’t look bad but I was definitely bigger.

Since I have recommitted I have lost 10lbs. I started back in the second week of May. I think that is fabulous. I have 20lbs to go. But I really want to get to my ultimate goal weight so I think I will lose an additional 10lbs.

My husband told me he did not want me to be skinny.  So I will try and keep my chubby fine going. I really don’t think I can get down to what I once was before baby but I can be that thick chick that turns some heads.

Well….there you go!

~VC