Vivienne Craft's Blog, page 3

Nope….I’m not

Okay so I have had a couple of conversations from fans about exes. I think I talked about me never thinking about my ex in one of my other blogs and apparently people don’t believe me.

I am a little confused as to why tho….Who is sitting around thinking about your ex? Why are they doing that? Let me set some things straight.

He was NOT the one that got away.  I left him for a reason. And I’m happy in my marriage. How is this a thing?  And seriously, if you are sitting around thinking about your ex then maybe you need to call him up.  Maybe you have some unfinished business and unresolved feelings.

I told one of my Crafties that I really and truly only think about any of my exes is if someone asked me about them or I’m telling a story about back in the day and they were a part of the story. That’s it.

One of my friends talks about her ex ALL THE TIME and I just can’t. I am not wasting my time thinking about some loser that I chunked deuce to.  Although I will say this…..I wound up talking about my ex because someone asked me about the best relationship I ever had. To be clear my most successful relationship has to my marriage but my best relationship has to be a mixture of my last relationship and my current one.

If it weren’t for the fact that my ex was a lying, cheating, so and so, it would have been perfect. But it was all a lie. Every time he was looking at me with so much love in his eyes that I wanted to cry…..it was a lie. Every declaration of love…lie. Every plan we made…lie.

But anyhoo….I’m not bitter (That was also a question) In fact, I am grateful for the whole deal. I would not have moved forward with my husband had it not been for my ex.  And I would not have the beautiful family I have.

Hopefully, This clear things up.

Not today

So okay, Here’s me posting or saying something I think is funny or interesting and someone jumps in the convo, messages me or comments on the post, something condescending from their soapbox.

It has happened multiple times over the past month so you KNOW I am about to blog about it. LOL

Look, I am not saying I am right 100% of the time (even though I am) so I can take on a new perspective or have my eyes opened to something I may have missed. But when we’re talking about satire or a dirty joke not directed towards you or just a pop culture reference….chill. No need to step up to the plate to show Vi what she has wrong. It’s not that serious.

No, really….I have a lot of shit going on in my real life. If I post my take on something that is clearly nonsensical then go with that. I’m being silly. Why so serious, Batman? I mean, you are free to think I’m an idiot (You’d be wrong but you are free to think that)

But know this….If you come for me, I will not cower. I will not be bullied. I will not be ‘taught’. I will not have it….Not today.

 

Liar Liar Pants on fire

Okay so….I have had a lot of people lie to me (as we all have).  I have talked about this before but I feel the need to talk about it again.  Today, I found out one of my friends lied to me about something that didn’t need to be lied about.

I mean really…. she lied to me about the way she lost weight. Now look, as you all know….I am on a constant journey of chubby fine-ness. I support anyone in the struggle with me so she really didn’t need to lie. I would not have judged her had she told me she got weight loss surgery.  Hell I WANT weight loss surgery but I don’t qualify.  (I would have to gain weight to get it and that seems counter productive)

I mean but more than her lying about not getting the surgery, she created this whole elaborate ass story about what she “actually” did.  I was hurt when I found out the truth.

I just don’t understand the purpose. I can’t…..

But on the flip side…..My other friend who underwent Gastric Bypass surgery just told me her new weight and it is MY GOAL WEIGHT!! I was light weight jealous. But so proud of her. Needless to say a fire has been lit in me by the liar and the superstar.

Don’t lie people….it’s not necessary.

Possibly the greatest email I have ever read

Okay so I know being single is hard and you have to know what you want but ….

One of my best friends is single (Bless her soul) and she is a brave woman because she keeps putting herself out there despite being the recipient of such non sense like the email I am blogging about.

Out of respect for my homie I will not post the actual email but since it’s just you and me…I will tell you everything it said.

Now first of all…..My bestie met this guy on a dating website. I just want to put that out there. It wasn’t a deviant site either. It was a regular popular dating site.

She talks to this dude a couple of days for a few hours total. Nothing too special but she was getting to know dude.  Some time after the second conversation she receives what I call the ‘Greatest email I have ever read’.

It begins……(and I am paraphrasing because dude uses unnecessarily big words) He will be using her response to this email as a measuring rod of whether or not he will pursue getting to know her.  Strike one. Ninja no…..Who do you think you are? Whoever it is ain’t big enough to be sending ultimatums within the first three days of knowing someone.

He then goes on to say he wants it to be clear that he wants a family and his endeavors are working towards that goal.

Now wait for it…..

The very NEXT sentence says that he only wants to consider the woman he will build a family with to be one that enjoys anal sex.  I’m going to let that sit with you for a moment.  No need to reread what you just read. In an EMAIL that this man sent to a woman whom he just met, he says he wants a family but he only wants a woman who has anal sex.

He then goes into great detail saying basically if you ain’t for getting fucked in the booty then don’t bother calling him again. (Meanwhile using all his SAT words to write this email)  Woooooooo! I had to stop reading the email at this point. I am damn near in tears while reading.

He goes on to get VERY specific detailing the amount of anal sex he likes.  He says THIS is his PREFERENCE, meaning the only time he will be having vaginal (or traditional) sex is for purposes of procreation.  I was damn near calling 911 at this point.

My friend is like keep reading…..

So I do.  The email makes reference to something called edging and then like has this (edging1 anal2 edging 3)

Like it was in parenthesis just like that. So I look up and ask what that is. She’s like keep reading. OK so I do.

Then dude says he SPECIFICALLY likes to have a woman on her stomach for anal with him behind her and her “fucking back on his dick” and basically you need to be down to do this because that’s what he likes.

So you telling me you only want the booty because that’s what you need to get you hard and then you want to be a lazy fuck having the woman do all the work while you basically standing there? What in the entire HELL is that?

Mmkay, so I am worked into a sweaty tizzy now…..but I press on. (Yes the email was this long)

He goes on to say you ain’t changing his mind on this because he don’t give a good gottdamn if you enjoy the sex or not . I mean he didn’t use those words but that what he was saying in his own overly complicated douche baggery sort of way.

Whew….so we get to the end of the email……and remember those references in the parenthesis I was talking about earlier?? Well this is where we find out what they were referencing.

Porn clips.

You read that right. Actual organized and collated clips ranging from 4 minutes to 46 minutes of examples of the anal sex fucking (on the stomach fucking him back) that he likes. As if you couldn’t just understand from his detailed description.  I couldn’t have rolled my eyes hard enough.

Okay so….she responds (She is better than me because I would have just deleted all his contact info and kept it moving) but she responds and says but you would never try to please your mate with vaginal sex?

His response….This is what I like.  And he included three more clips for her tutelage.

I was done. I can’t do no mo….. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE…

She tells me that this man is 48 years old.  I needed to drink several sips of water.

WHAT??!!

Jesus!! This man may die alone and he never needs to procreate. He is either low level gay or he has a small meaningless penis.

VC

My thoughts for 2016

Okay So… Last year was a successful year as a whole for me but it also had its fails, too. One was to work less but inevitably, because of my drive and responsibility, I wound up working more. I never went anywhere which was my MAJOR goal so that’s a fail. Another fail is certain relationships. I have stated often that I keep my friendship circles small. I also state that I only deal with family. Well it turns out, family can do you just as dirty as strangers will. Now I am not going to put all the business out there but I was hurt by the actions of these family members. Here’s a little tidbit about me. I am not an emotional person usually. Because of certain occurrences  in my life I learned to put my emotions in a box and lock them away. Except when it comes to family. When it comes to family or people I love,  I feel things deeply and I don’t know what to do with them. SO now when stuff happens with my family, I tend to get all depressed and bewildered as to how these things can happen. Anyhoo, this year I plan on focusing less on how to take care of other people (even if they are family) and instead focus on my own happiness.

I was headed into 2016 all motivated and hopeful with a plan in place. But wouldn’t you know it….Three days in to the dang new year and I hit a snag. It was really a set back and I have to start all over.  I started thinking all negatively, like life doesn’t want me to be positive and I can’t get ahead and stuff like that.

Then I watched a documentary on Netflix called Making a Murderer and it touched me so much I had to take a hard look at what I was complaining about in my own life. I have a really good life and if I still work a lot in 2016 like I did in 2015, that’s okay because I am blessed to have good jobs. And moreover, I am able to be a successful writer which I know is something lots of people wish they could do.

If my family disappoints me this year (which they have already done and I know will continue to do so) at least I still have family. And also I can cut them off if they bring me down too much. (Real Talk)

I am alive and free. I woke up this morning with the ability to change the things that I don’t like. I can see and hear and move. I was able to kiss my sweet little girl and see her smile. My husband still loves my fat ass and I have someone to walk in this life with.  I have a beautiful home and a wonderful life.  I have middle class problems like waiting on hold for damn near an hour to clear something up that is a clerical error that someone else made, rather than having third world problems like having no clean water to drink. I am thankful for my gallon of Crystal Geyser water that I drink from religiously.

So in short (or long)….Although I do have goals for this year (because that’s just how I roll) there is no new year, new me happening. There is just thankfulness.

I am THANKFUL in 2016.

 

Bow Chicka Wow Wow Vol.2

Okay so…..last night I was going to rape my husband. I was just going to be aggressive and take what’s mine. (No one be offended here. I’m playing. Sorta) Any way I made mental plans to get it popping at a certain time.

But wouldn’t you know it my Hubbs went to sleep. Now I have awoken him in the night for sex plenty of times before and he doesn’t complain which is great because there is a total double standard here. If he woke me up for sex he might get punched in the face.

Just being Honest.

Anyhoo, I was about to go for mine when I realized he was truly tired from being at work all day and having a pretty stressful week. And he was like really FOR REALS sleep so I let him snooze. But then that left me waking up every ten minutes and twisting and turning all night.

Damn my sweet considerate nature. I should have just rode myself into a good nights sleep and called it a day. And in the end he wouldn’t have minded that much. Lesson Learned.

~VC

Totally Random #15

Okay so I used to be comfortable being naked all the time.  And that resulted in a lot of sex (with my husband of course). But add two kids and an undisclosed amount of weight gain and I am barely naked in the shower.

I have been on this healthy kick and I work out mostly consistently and I feel good about my chubby fine, however, I am still not naked a lot. Especially in front of the Hubbs. And one day he said something to me that is changing my mindset….

He said, “I don’t know what you are covering up for. I still find you very attractive.”

That has been resonating with me since he said it. I have to get it together because I am sure he wants to see the na-na like he used to.

I hope every woman who reads this will listen to what their men tell them. If he still finds you attractive then you need to not be so hard on yourself. Show that man a nipple.

~VC

Quickie #9

Mmkay can we file this one under But Why Tho?

Soooooo…..I posted a quick response to Kim Kardashian’s baby name on my personal Facebook…

Direct Quote: “I hope this ain’t right…Kim Kardashian named her baby Saint West???????”

Now I have a diverse group of friends. Some will like the name and some won’t. I enjoy hearing what the have to say.  What I didn’t expect was this….

“N if they did, will your life continue to flourish?” (Facebook Friend)

What the hell is that? So I can’t make commentary on Pop Culture ??? Or am I only supposed to comment on things that impact my life in a deep and meaningful way? Or am I shallow because I took thirty seconds out of my day to comment on some ridiculousness.

Then the person said I acted like I was responding to something negative but no, I was responding to something condescending.  And needlessly so. Anyhoo, the person said that they were just expecting a yes or no answer to their question. I find it all interesting, which is good because I needed something to blog about.

All I have been doing is marketing and writing and being fat….LOL So nothing to write to you all about.

~VC

 

 

Totally Random #14

Okay this is a total Woosah moment….

I have plenty of people in my life but like I said I keep my circle small. Like pinhole small. Anyhoo….You just gotta beware of the USERS and act accordingly.  Surgically remove  them out of your circle like cancer.

The last few days have been plagued with users.

There are people in my life that I rarely talk to or that don’t have time to talk to me or my absolute favorite…..”Too busy living life” to communicate with me regularly. I know you know what I’m talking about. But then the MOMENT they need you for something, they repel from the ceiling SWAT style. It’s easier to get gum off the bottom of your shoe than to get rid of them when they need you.

They will call and text and at weird ungodly hours or “run into you” somewhere they know you’ll be. They start chatting you up suddenly or hugging you out of no where.  You start getting unexpected “Love” on social media. They’ve been “thinking” about you and say stuff like “You’ve been on my mind.”

I bet I have….. *side eye*

Just beware of these people and pull your best Disappearing Acts routine.

[image error]Bye Felecia!

 

My very bad horrible day

So yesterday I had a horrible day.Let’s start this story off with some TMI. I am experiencing the longest period known to man (not really but for me yes). And I am cranky because of it. Sorry but that sets the mood.

It was my only off day and on my off days I try and get everything done. I tried to get my sticker renewed but to do that I had to get my car inspected. I try to mentally prepare myself for all that entails but I should just popped a bottle of wine.

Anyhoo, I go to the first inspection place and they say they only do inspections Thursday thru Sunday and it was Monday. I roll my eyes and make my way to the next place.

That place was closed down despite having an up to date sign. I go to the third place that is packed to the brim with people. The guy behind the counter is flirting with me. Normally, I would be flattered and move along but like I said the lobby was full of people and it was embarrassing. And it turned out to not be useful. There is nothing more annoying than somebody flirting with you and you ain’t getting anything out of it. Just kidding but kinda not.

Anyhoo, the guy comes out and tells me that I have the wrong insurance. (And I actually did) I had to run to the insurance company to get the right print out. I make my way back to the Jiffy Lube and get back in the incredibly long tortuous line. So much time passes I think I see Father time pick his car up. Finally, my car gets pulled around and I jump for joy. Another dude, not the one that was flirting mercilessly, comes and takes my money and hands me paperwork only to say….”Did they talk to you yet?”

Who is they? It was only one dude that was “talking” to me and he was trying to get the digits. So he sighs and says that my car failed because I need four new tires. FOUR!?

After the shock over the money falling out of my wallet passes, I ask the dude why he wait to tell me all this until AFTER I had paid?! Where was flirty dude? Why couldn’t he have let my tires thru? He’s no where to be seen. Guy 2 starts fast talking me trying to calm me down.

Ugh! Four hours wasted.

So After much ado I get to the tire shop which is also crowded. I wait trying to be a good person….trying. But twenty minutes go by and no one has so much as acknowledged my presence on this earth. Finally a guy makes eye contact with me and nods. I guess that meant,”I see you fuming bitch and I’m coming”.

I go sit in my car….Waiting. Finally, dude comes around to ask me what I need and I tell him four tires. He quotes me a price so high I damn near faint.

Needless to say I do not have new tires. However, I will have to suck it up and get new tires because I have to get my new sticker.

Sprinkle in a bunch of family drama you wouldn’t understand…and it was a horrible day where I wish I would have just stayed in the bed.

Woosah! Adulting sucks.