Lisa Jacobson's Blog, page 62

Strong-Hearted Women and the Men Who Love Them

I’m not sure what started it.

But I suspect it had something to do with this one book I’d read a few years back. I’m not saying the author intended to communicate this message, but it’s certainly what I concluded.

If I wanted to be a a good wife – a biblical wife? Then I needed to tone it down a bit.

Okay, a lot.

I needed to swallow it, hold it back, and keep it down. I was far too intense for my own good. Or at least for my husband’s good.

So I started this new, radical campaign. I didn’t even tell my husband what I was up to, but decided that from then on, I was going to mellow out. Keep it quiet.

Now for those of you who know me, you probably find that rather funny. You can’t even hardly picture it.

But I really did try.

And I kept it going fairly well . . . until one day when we were discussing a certain subject while standing by the piano—a subject that I felt, ahem, passionate about. And suddenly, I couldn’t take it any longer.

I nearly shouted, “I JUST CAN’T DO THIS.”

Do what??” his eyebrows raised.

“I can’t simply keep my mouth shut and not express all that I’m thinking or feeling!” I was practically shaking with frustration.

Then – being the sensitive soul that he is – he burst out laughing.

I resisted the temptation of throwing the old red hymnal at him. But only barely.

I’m glad I did though, because I might have missed what he said next . . . .

“But, Baby, I don’t want you to ‘zip it’. I married you because I appreciate your strong mind and passionate heart. Don’t you see? I love that about you.”

Oh. You do?

And at last I was able to reconcile being a strong-hearted woman and being a biblical wife.

Now some of you might not see the struggle here. What? What’s the issue?

Well, the “issue” is that Scripture talks about the “beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (I Pet. 3:4) and I truly wanted to fit that description. But I wasn’t so sure that I did.

So maybe you’re a strong-hearted woman too. You don’t give up, you’re willing to stand up for what you believe is right, and you’re passionate about your family and the world you live in.

Boy! do I get that.

And guess what? It’s okay.

So all my strong-hearted friends, be encouraged.  Here are some  beautiful truths for you:

A Strong-Hearted Woman can keep a quiet heart. She’s not agitated in her spirit, yet remains strong in her convictions. A lovely example of this is Elisabeth Elliot – one of the strongest women of my acquaintance and also the author of Keep a Quiet Heart.

A Strong-Hearted Woman draws her strength from Christ – not from herself. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13).  Always remember the true Source of your strength.

A Strong-Hearted Woman readily respects her husband. She uses her strength to support her husband. Not to go up against him (Eph. 5:33).  (More here: The Highly-Rated Habit of Respecting Him)

A Strong-Hearted Woman cultivates a sweet spirit. Sweetness and strength are not opposites. These two qualities actually can - and should - go hand-in-hand.

A Strong-Hearted Woman walks in humility. She knows that just because she might feel more strongly about something doesn’t necessarily make her right (and you know what I”m talking about!).  Don’t let your intensity triumph over all.

God gave you that wonderful, passionate heart and, as long as you’re submitted to Him, then you’re right where He wants you to be. Not only that, you’re right where your husband  wants you to be.

Yes, your man loves that about you.

In His grace,

Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

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How to Build a Kind and Confident Young Man

I could feel his sweet blue eyes studying me.

Watching me as I worked. Taking note as I built a fire to take off the early morning chill.  My husband was out-of-town and this fireplace is how we like to heat our home. So it fell to me to light a cozy, crackling fire.

I was merely doing what needed to be done. But I could sense our son’s concern.

“That looks like a man’s job to me,” he quietly observed.

I smiled up at him. Not really minding. I’m actually a rather fine fire-builder, thank you very much.

So I kept on with the task. Crumpled paper. Small kindling. Then the larger logs on top.

And that’s when he couldn’t stand it any longer.

He stopped me, “That seems like a big job, Mom….so you’d better let me do it.”

Those were strong words coming out of a five-year-old’s mouth. I hesitated, but his determination made me think I would do well to step aside and let the Little Man take over.

I wasn’t sure what to make of him lifting those heavy logs that were nearly half his size. Somewhat surprised at his willingness to do the hard work. Somewhat surprised as his instinct to look after his mom – rather than the other way around. But mostly surprised that he viewed his little self as, well, a little man.

So how does a mom build up a kind and confident son?

Always consider him as a young man in the making. Even when he is still quite small, consider your influence in forming his manhood. My friend commended her 3-year-old who had patiently waited while she and I finished up a conversation, “You’re patient and I like that in a man.” How powerful for a little boy to hear those words from the woman in his life! She was already addressing him as one growing into a man.

Teach him to reach for the heights, but have a heart for the lowly.We want our sons to conquer mountains, to reach for the stars, and so he needs to hear our enthusiastic shouts of “I know you can do this!” Yet also to listen to our gentle reminders, “Look out for her; she can’t walk like you or me.” Or, “He’s smaller than you. Be sure and help him out.” A good man is mindful of those who need tender thought or care.

Don’t rush to rescue him if he stumbles or struggles.  But be sure and stand by him until he’s back up on his feet. It can be difficult to resist our mothering impulse to save him when he falters. Yet often the greater gift is to help him find his own strength in The Lord, rather than to depend on mama’s. So give him some space to discover the solution for himself.

Leave no doubt you’re his biggest fan.  While he might not always show that he’s scared or unsure on the inside, he’ll be looking for your support more than is apparent. So be cheering loudly from the sidelines as he ventures out into this world. He could use your “Go, Son, go!” more than he lets on.

A mom plays a special role in her son’s life – whether he’s five, ten, or fifteen. She’s that woman who’s standing by to inspire him to be the strong, kind, and confident man God has called him to be.

That young man in the making.

Your son.

In His grace,

Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

* If you want these posts delivered directly to your inbox, simply subscribe below (and get the FREE eBook, The 7 Habits of a Highly Fulfilling Marriage).

25 Tips I Want to Share With Younger Wives

She asked if we could meet for coffee. Clearly, something was on her mind.

She’s a wonderful young lady and full of the hopes and dreams that come with youth. She wants a beautiful marriage. Yet she’d also been around long enough to know that a strong, loving marriage isn’t a guarantee.

So we sat down in a quiet cafe and she asked me outright. What does it take to build a lovely marriage? What advice could I give? What would keep the two of them loving each other in the years to come?

And I thought about the things I wish I would have known from the beginning – those things that really matter at the end of the day. Some are big and some are small, but they all add up over the years to a strong, loving marriage.

Here’s what I want to share with her and any others  looking for that kind of love . . . .

25 Tips I Want to Share with Younger Wives

1.    Hold hands whenever you can. We do and always have. We’ll clasp hands when sitting next to each other on the couch, while we’re driving along in the car, and when we’re out walking. A simple connecting that goes a long way.

2.    Pray for him every day. Faithfully. What better gift than to offer up a prayer for him? Ask God to bless him, protect him, and work in his life.

3.    Look for the many ways to love on him. Small gifts and thoughtful gestures. Those little things that say, I love you and I’m thinking of you.

4.    Make friends with people who’ll encourage your marriage. Surround yourself with those who will support and pray for you both as you grow together.

5.    And avoid those who pull against you. If they were friends, I’d ditch them altogether. It’s harder with extended family members, but I’d dodge those as much as possible too.

6.    Go to the Word of God for the best marriage counseling. You can get good advice from others, but there’s no replacing the loving, powerful Truth to be found in Scripture.

7.    Cultivate your friendship. Marriage isn’t merely a business deal.

8.    Never give up on each other. People go through difficult seasons and we get to persevere through them. Don’t let go.

9.    Confess your sins to one another. Doesn’t help to smooth it over; instead repent and ask forgiveness. (Jas. 5:16)

10.   And then forgive freely. (Col. 3:13)

11.    Be patient with him. Love is long-suffering, remember? (I Cor. 13:4)

12.   Show him respect. It’s in the Bible. And it’s what he needs (Col. 3:18).

13.   Leave off with the complaining. It only drags the both of you down (Phil. 2:14).

14.   Focus on those things which are true, pure, and lovely. (Phil. 4:8)

15.   Speak kindly to him. Gracious words are sweet to the soul (Prov. 16:24).

16.   Let the little irritations go. Is it really worth bothering about? Probably not.

17.   Keep the home fires burning. Intimacy is still important. Yes, even long after the honeymoon.

18.   Stand by your man. You’ll probably find loyalty toward the top of his list.

19.   Make loving him your priority. Over your job, your friends, your extended family. Even over your children.

20.   Give him – and yourself – room to grow. I know that we’re not done growing yet and I’m guessing you two aren’t either.

21.   Express appreciation for the man that he is. Be an encouraging voice in that otherwise thankless world he lives in.

22.   Protect your marriage. Value your relationship for the treasure that it really is.

23.   Never leave off with kissing. No matter how old you grow. My husband’s 80-year-old parents still kiss each other goodbye – on the lips!

24.   Decide you’re going to stick together. With God’s help, you’re going to stay together throughout the years. (Mark 10:9)

25.   Put on love. Above all things. (Col. 3:14)

May you be blessed with a truly beautiful marriage!

In His grace,

Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

* If you want these posts delivered directly to your inbox, simply subscribe below (and get the FREE eBook, The 7 Habits of a Highly Fulfilling Marriage).

3 Great Reasons to Party With Your Kids

You might not believe this, but I’m an introvert at heart.

For instance, my idea of a wonderful Friday night is curling up in my favorite place on the couch and getting lost in a good book. Or maybe popping up a humongous bowl of popcorn and watching Wives and Daughters  for the forty-eleventh time with the family.

Basically? Quiet and mellow.

But our God gives good gifts. And sometimes a few surprising ones. So He gave us a daughter who is the Ultimate Party Planner and I’m telling you, this girl does parties.

So last week-end she threw a Murder Mystery Swing Dance  and invited a number of the young people to our home. Her dad and I were also included on the guest list and we happily accepted.

Here we are! “Winston the Butler” and “Darla the Maid”.  (And, yes, the Butler was observed flirting with the maid while on duty

So here’s how a Murder Mystery works. It’s basically like a giant game of Clue (you remember Clue, don’t you?). Each guest was assigned a “bio” and arrived at the scene “in character”.  Here’s a sample of a bio, if you’re curious: Murder Mystery Bio. Our Party Girl created one of these for each guest.

A few of the suspicious characters….Oops! I mean guests.

After about an hour of dancing and mingling, the lights suddenly went out and yikes! one of the guests was found mysteriously dead on the floor.

From there everyone was left to put together the clues from earlier in the evening to see if they could figure out who the “murderer” might be. I know, sounds a bit gruesome, but as the “victim” tended to chuckle when being searched for evidence, it was far more light-hearted than you’d think.

The scene of the crime.

Here is “Isobel Kensington”, hostess of the evening (and our Party Girl )

At last, the criminal was identified, arrested by security, and taken out – despite his protestations of innocence.

Moral of the story: A life of crime never pays (but it might win you an Academy award?).

And so everyone returned to their dancing and back to the refreshment table – served cheerfully by Darla the Maid, I might add.

So much for quiet and mellow.

Nope. This was definitely a party - loud and exciting! And I’m truly thankful God gave us a daughter who brings such good fun and good friends into our lives.

Here are 3 Good Reasons to Party With Your Kids

Makes for Fantastic Memories. Let’s face it, while curling up on the couch is comfortable, it doesn’t necessarily make for lifetime memories. So there’s much to be said for reaching out of our comfort zone and doing something out of the ordinary.

Connects You with Your Kids’ Friends. What a terrific opportunity to get to know their friends and for them to have the chance to see “another side” of you too.  I was no longer “just the mom”, but a real person who could have a good time – with them.

Keeps You Young. I smiled so much that my face hurt by the end of  our evening together. And, hey! if you’re going to have lines, they might as well be smile lines, don’t you think? What a blessing to enjoy the music, the laughter, and the sight of all those fine young people. It did my heart good.

And, as my daughter reminded us . . .  A Little Party Never Killed Nobody.

In His grace,

Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

* If you want these posts delivered directly to your inbox, simply subscribe below (and get the FREE eBook, The 7 Habits of a Highly Fulfilling Marriage).

My Husband is My Real Hero (and I hope he knows it)

The Lone Ranger lives on.

No, really he does.

I know this because most every weekday our little boys run next door and watch him save the Western Frontier over at Grandpa’s house. It’s 3:00 in the afternoon and the whole house shakes as they come pounding down the stairs and go flying out the front door.

Slam! Slam! Slam!

Three boys. Three slams. Without fail.

And even though this event takes place nearly each day, it’s still a special occasion. The Lone Ranger. Grandpa. And Fruit Snacks. Our boys’ world filled with goodness and heroes. Just the way it should be.

But boys aren’t the only ones with heroes.

Girls can have them too.

It’s a fact. Because this girl is married to one.

Oh, I’m not saying that he can leap buildings in a single bound or save the big city from an alien invasion.

He’s more of an everyday hero. An ordinary, hard-working, honest sort of guy. Taking care of his wife and looking after his children. Standing up for what’s right and watching out for those who are in need. Following God.

If you ask me, those are the best kind of heroes.

And probably the kind  of guy you married too. Simply doing what must be done. No one would ever guess that he’s actually a superhero in disguise.

Even he might not guess it – but it’s evident to you. So it might be about time to reveal his secret identity. He’s your hero.

You might as well let him know….

You need him.

Like I need mine. Not too long ago I was looking for a rescue. It’s not that I couldn’t handle the situation on my own; it’s that I didn’t want to. Some bad guy went on the internet and started flinging insults. Against me. Personally.

So I brought my laptop over to my husband and showed him what he’d written. In his opinion, the whole thing was rather ridiculous (not me, the guy’s accusations), but he went out there and defended my honor. I loved what he said and how he said it. But mostly I loved the way he protected me from this big Internet bully.

My hero. Girly sigh.

You lean on him.

And why not? It might sound out-of-step with today’s independent woman, but – as capable as we are – I’m thankful to have a man I can rely on. He’s the first one I’ll call if there’s an emergency or disaster. He’s slain mice in the pantry. Mopped up overflowing toilets. Calmed down an out-of-control neighbor. And he’s held me in his arms while I sobbed my heart out over a deep and devastating loss.

A true hero. Quietly loving me.

And you’d be lost without him.

Maybe this feels a bit over the top? It’s not. My oldest daughter would likely have died if it wasn’t for him. When she suddenly stopped breathing miles and miles away from any medical help, his quick thinking and fast action kept her going until LifeFlight could arrive. I could see it in the headlines:

DAD KEEPS DAUGHTER BREATHING. While Mom Watches and Weeps.

He never made it into the papers that day. But he should have.

A great hero. On the front page of my heart.

So in this day when the world is desperate for goodness and heroes, make sure your husband knows he’s just the kind of guy for the job. Doing what he’s doing. Honest. Hard-working. Looking after his wife and family. Standing up and watching out. Following God.

An everyday hero.

The kind you and I need. And certainly the kind this world could use right now.

He’s a real hero.

In His grace,

Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

* If you want these posts delivered directly to your inbox, simply subscribe below (and get the FREE eBook, THe 7 Habits of a Highly Fulfilling Marriage).

Purity: Do What’s Right

*A guest post by our oldest daughter sharing her heart with other young people, taken from her blog, SavoryThots.

“So and so” has cheated on her boyfriend this week.  – the TV, radio, and internet regularly report.

Even the Bing search engine is always trending some new scandal…and every time I find it disgusting.

But those people are pagans! They don’t know any better.

Probably true.

But what about Christians?

Recently, several Christian leaders were publically exposed in adultery and immorality.

That made me really angry.

That righteous anger the Bible talks about.

Then I panicked. How had these people fallen? What in the WORLD happened to them?

How can we young adults avoid such a fate? What can we do to prevent that tragedy in our own lives?

Then it started to dawn on me:

That kind of immorality can start long before you meet your spouse.

Let me explain.

Girls think it’s o.k to flirt, guys think it’s o.k to lust. And I’m talking about the Christian ones.

We think just because we don’t have a significant other, we can rob them.

Newsflash: It’s very likely you will get married.

If your beloved was standing next to you…would you be putting your hands all over that “other person”?

Stop and think about it.

You wouldn’t.

So what makes it o.k to be doing that stuff now?

Maybe because it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.

Girls just want to have fun.

Boys can’t help themselves.

When you’re young. You have all these feelings stored up inside. A lot of times you feel like you’re going to burst.

I know that feeling.

You feel lonely.

You were made to love.

You have nowhere to go…so you settle. And your future gets cheated.

So are you saying we should just suppress those emotions?

What I’m saying is that God has someone special for you. And you will regret everything you did with that other person. And your spouse will regret it too.

Selfishness says, “I need things now.”

Love says, “I can wait… because I love you more…even before we’ve met.”

Because if you don’t wait, you train yourself for unfaithfulness. The greatest sins are practiced for a long time…before they were committed.

Right now, you could never imagine yourself cheating on your wife.

I say that lingering look you just gave that “other girl” was cheating.

Happily married couples who didn’t quite wait, say regret will come…even if it was only a kiss or “one touch”. When the One finally shows up, you will wish you hadn’t.

I would contend that it is a big deal to give yourself to other people.

Be the bigger person.

Yes it’s hard.

I know that so well.

I have prayed for God to help me stay pure.

It’s not easy when you’re cold and alone.

But just because something is hard doesn’t mean we can back out.

Struggle well.

Save that passion for Your Own worthy spouse.

One day you will wake up and be so glad.

… so very glad.

Keep your passion alive. Yes.

And keep your purity even more alive.

“I’ll be waiting for you here inside my heart…”

*This post follows the recent article,  Raising Kids Who Walk in the Power of Purity

Savoury Jacobson is the oldest daughter of Matthew and Lisa Jacobson.  She is a  young woman who has a passion for writing, travel, friendship, and sincerity. You can find her sharing her heart and thoughts over at SavoryThots – a blog to encourage and inspire Christian young adults. “For those who want to live free, for those who want to walk in the light.” She can also be found on Facebook and Instagram.

Raising Kids Who Walk in the Power of Purity

Avert your eyes, Son.

His dad started saying it to him from the youngest age – when he was still only a little boy. Might have been an alluring commercial while watching the ballgame. Or a billboard while driving down the highway. A pop-up on the computer screen.

As parents, we had purposed to teach him purity from the beginning.

And you wouldn’t think that would be too tough to do where we live. We’re out in the country, somewhere on the outskirts of a small western town. But that hardly matters anymore.

Temptation can be found anywhere.

Even in Target.

Target?

Yeah, I know. That’s what I thought too. Until one day we popped in to pick up some flip-flops for the summer and I remarked how he kept bumping into things.

What is your problem, Son??

“I’m just looking down, Mom,” And with a nod, he indicated to the ads placed strategically above us. Billboards for the lingerie department. Yikes. I’d not observed them.

But then again…I’m not a vulnerable young man either.

So sorry, my child.

I’m sorry the Enemy tries to pull you down everywhere you turn. I feel badly we live in a world that’s so ready to compromise a person’s commitment to clean living. It’s never been easy – only it’s far worse now.

By “worse”, I mean that our young people encounter vivid pictures and messages promoting sensuality and immorality everywhere they go. Everywhere. Such wickedness is both rampant and increasingly elevated.

Then how can we encourage our children to walk in purity in a blatantly immoral world?

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality (I Thess. 4:3).

That’s a question my husband and I have often asked ourselves, as well as prayed and agonized over at times. Here are some of our conclusions….

We speak openly with our children. We want our kids to remain innocent – but not naive – so we don’t hesitate to discuss topics relating to physical attraction, purity, and morality. Some of these conversations take place right in our living room and others more privately, one-on-one. But no secrets and no shadows here.

Teach both our sons and our daughters. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems there is a particular emphasis on instructing our girls on this subject.  But don’t our boys need it at least as much as the girls? Maybe even more so. Let’s not leave our sons out of this discussion – most of which can come from their dads and/or godly men in their lives.

View purity as something that comes from the heart, not just the body. We shouldn’t limit our view of intimacy as something we “just don’t do”, or we’ll have missed out on the beauty of it all. Purity is a lovely, wonderful thing and something to enjoy – not merely something to avoid. It’s a physical gift that comes from the heart, not merely another item on the Good List.

Consider what we’re viewing. We want to be careful about what we watch and take into our homes and lives, so we’ll do things like encourage our children to “close their eyes” during a potentially suggestive scene. We’re also quite willing to turn off a program, or avoid a popular movie altogether if it’s promoting immorality. We’re very cautious about what comes across our computers as well.

(And, please don’t think “legalistic” because we don’t “lay down the law”. Rather, we talk candidly about the principles and convictions behind our choices and our young adults have gone on to practice a similar approach – even after leaving our home.)

Offer loving compassion to those who’ve suffered. I desperately wish there wasn’t such grievous sin. That no one we’ve known or loved had ever been abused or misused. Our hearts break for our very dear friends who’ve endured horrific experiences and we’ve painfully walked through the healing process with them – our entire family.

Extend grace to those who’ve struggled. People sin and make mistakes. Just like you and I do. And, as my husband often reminds us, “We are ALL radically saved.” There are no grounds for considering one sin different than another. If we confess and repent? There is forgiveness (I John 1:9). Whiter than snow.

“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the LORD, “Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool (Isa.1:18).

Our young people so need our protection, guidance, and strong encouragement. Let’s be cheering for them and show them they can  walk in the power of purity.

What are some ways you’ve encouraged purity in your home? What are some of your questions and/or concerns? I’d be glad to continue the conversation with you…

Coming tomorrow: Our oldest daughter will be sharing from a young adult’s perspective:  Purity: Do What’s Right.

In His grace,

*Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

This is Part Four of the series: Raising Heavenly-Minded, Down-to-Earth Kids. If you’d like the posts from this series delivered directly to your inbox, simply subscribe below (and get the FREE eBook, The 7 Habits of a Highly Fulfilling Marriage).

A Free Gift: The 7 Habits of a Highly-Fulfilling Marriage

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The 7 Habits of a Highly Fulfilling Marriage

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I hope it blesses and encourages you!

In His grace,

*Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

Please Don’t Label Me

*A guest post by my husband, Matthew L. Jacobson

No one likes a negative label assigned to them based on a mistake, wrong choice, or even downright sin.

He’s a . . .

She’s so . . .

He’s a big . . .

She never . . .

If most people I know were going to wear a label it would read: DON’T LABEL ME!

Have you grown, matured, repented, or changed? We all want to move on. We’re even instructed in Scripture to, “Forget those things that are behind and press on . . . to our calling in Christ Jesus.”

I certainly don’t want to be defined by my lesser moments from the past. Do you? Of course not! Why? Because we all want to be genuinely loved by those closest to us and if people are using your failures to define you, whatever they may be – large or small – love is not what we are experiencing from them.

Even if someone is in the midst of their worst moment, love says, “I will not allow your present failure to define you.”

Isn’t this the kind of unconditional love we desire? Isn’t this the kind of love we’re called to extend to others? The Bible says Jesus loved us while we were still sinners. He loved us when we were hardest to love.

Sometimes our extended family can be the worst, never letting a brother, sister, son, daughter, uncle, dad, or mom be who they’ve become – never missing an opportunity to make that cutting remark about how so-and-so did that stupid thing, failed in the past, didn’t measure up, embarrassed herself, etc. The fried chicken and the weather at the picnic might be good, but the gathering resembles a bucket of crabs – as soon as one tries to climb out, another grabs his leg and pulls him back in.

The message is clear: You’ll always be the collection of bad choices, mistakes, and short-comings we’ve all known you to be.

Love does no such thing. Love says no such thing – especially when it comes to our children.

Our God is a Redeemer

What a heartache we endure as parents when our children make mistakes and/or walk in sin. Sometimes the consequences are lasting and we feel the loss like a knife in the heart. But, there’s something we need to remember….

A wrong choice does not define a life direction.

And, that’s good news. But, the news is even better than this. Even a string of wrong choices does not define a life direction.

Our children, even . . . no, especially . . . in their worst moments, need to know that we still believe in them, hope for them, and know they can win. The need for our children to know they are not losers is strongest in the moment of failure and defeat. The consequences will unfold and they will speak with a voice of their own but, from whom will our children get the message they so desperately need?

Yes, you’re disappointed. Yes, you’re hurt by your child’s choices – even angry. But don’t forget you are in a position of immense influence at these critical moments and your child is listening to the message you are sending.

You were once young. Did you make all the right moves? No? How did God appraise you, then? Did he define you by your failures? Or, did He believe in who He created you to be?

God is The Redeemer. We are not defined by the mistakes we make but by Who paid for them.

Don’t lose heart. Don’t give up hope.We’ve all had moments of wrong choices. God never defines His children by their shortcomings but by the righteousness of His own Son.

Let’s do for our children what God does for us. Like the father of the prodigal son, standing every day, looking for his return, we can do the same in our hearts toward our own children.

Remember God’s perspective: We are not defined by where we’ve been but by where we are going.

Matthew L. Jacobson

Matthew is an author, president of Loyal Arts Literary Agency, and teaching elder in the local church. He’s married to Lisa,  and together they’re bringing up their 8 children on a small acreage in the Pacific NW. When they’re not gardening or reading, you’ll find them holding hands, sipping Peet’s coffee, or deep into conversation with some – or all – of their children. The Jacobsons are authors of several books, including a winner of the C.S. Lewis Silver Medal for children’s literature, How Did God Make Me? You can find him at MatthewLJacobson.com,on Facebook and Twitter.

Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

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Raising Kids Who Might Fall…But Will Get Back Up Again

I held my breath as I watched him venture out.

One step.

Then another.

My hands were shaking – as ridiculous as that may sound – when I entered the digits of his daddy’s cellphone number. Without a greeting or the usual preliminaries, I burst out into the phone: HE IS WALKING!! He’s taken his first steps!

You would have thought he’d walked on the moon.

A moment of grand celebration.

Then, right before my eyes….

Our son teetered.

Tottered.

And fell fully and directly right on his face.

Waaahhh!!

I rushed over to baby, scooped him up, wiped his tears, and set him back on his feet.

Then I urged him to TRY AGAIN.

And that, of course, was only the beginning. Because after walking came running. Then jumping and skating. And then the ultimate thrill of climbing.

Something inside our child inspires him to simply keep moving. But motion rarely comes without some stumbling, falling, aches and pains.

We Don’t Live in a Sin-Free Zone

Our home is as prone to gravity – and temptation and sin – as yours.

Maybe you think you’re the only one. You look around and so many others don’t seem to be struggling with the same things that you and yours are. But believe me, they are.

Because the kids who learn to walk will eventually fall. At some time or another. I know all mine sure have.

And this goes for the spiritual realm every bit as much as the physical realm.

So I’m going to confess something.  If I had my way? Our children would never trip, never fall, never know grief, hurt, or regret.

Yet that’s not the world we live in. We don’t live in a sin-free zone.

I wish we did. But we don’t.

Our children have gone places they were not supposed to go. They’ve seen things they were not supposed to see. They’ve said things they were not supposed to say.

I think you get the idea….

But here’s the key: your response to your children’s mistakes and sins will have a strong impact on their lives from that moment going forward. They need to know that you’re not going to flip out. You’re not going to look away. And you’re certainly not going to give up.

And neither should they.

So what does a parent do when a child stumbles or falls?

Start with confession, repentance, and forgiveness. Our hope is that our kids will come to us with a contrite heart, but there are times when we’ve had to go to them. The best place to begin is for them to see  where they went wrong and repent of it. Then they can walk in the freedom of forgiveness.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (I Jn. 1:9)

Care more about the truth than about appearances. We can be tempted to cover what’s really going on. We’re concerned about what other people think. But our main concern needs to be the truth of what’s going on in their hearts.

Don’t take it personally. Not that you can help experiencing grief or hurt as the parent of your child, but keep in mind that this is not about us and more about what God is doing – and needs to do – in their young lives.

Don’t take off on a long, luxurious guilt trip. You can’t afford it. I know what it is to feel regret as a parent, but don’t linger there. But instead….

Be willing to re-evaluate. Take an honest look at the situation and the child and see what changes might need to be made. Stronger boundaries? More loving attention? Apply appropriate consequences?

Let the consequences teach its lesson. Often the most loving thing we can do for our children is to not stand in the way of the natural and/or necessary consequences.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Heb. 12:11)

Communicate love, compassion, and confidence in your child. And in the Savior who loves you both. When your child messes up, makes a mistake, or even blatantly sins—-communicate with your eyes and from the depth of your soul that nothing has changed in your love and in your strong hope for the good things God has in store for them.

So, mom, go ahead and scoop him up.

Set him back on his feet.

And urge him to try AGAIN.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary,

And the young men shall utterly fall,

But those who wait on the LORD

Shall renew their strength. (Isa. 40:29-30)

So how about you? What do you do when your children stumble? Or what are some of the challenges you’ve encountered? 

Coming next: Raising Kids who walk in the power of purity

In His grace,

*Check out our NEW eBooks, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love to Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson

This is Part Three of the series: Raising Heavenly-Minded, Down-to-Earth Kids. If you’d like the posts from this series delivered directly to your inbox, simply subscribe below (and get the FREE eBook, 31 Days to a Better Marriage).