Colleen Brown's Blog, page 107
December 5, 2014
There is nothing lovely about feeling this low, this lost and...
There is nothing lovely about feeling this low, this lost and this lonely.
Even though she is no longer mine,
no longer a part of my life or willing to be
a part of my heart,...
Even though she is no longer mine,
no longer a part of my life or willing to be
a part of my heart, I still love her.
And no matter how many times she says
that she doesn’t want this, doesn’t want
me, there will always be a part of me
that is still holding on hope that maybe
she will reconsider and come back home.
"there’s nothing abnormal about waking up at 2 a.m.
to the sound of pots and pans hitting the..."
there’s nothing abnormal about waking up at 2 a.m.
to the sound of pots and pans hitting the floor,
going into the cabinet, cupboards, drawers,
anywhere but on the kitchen counter or in the sink.
i hear the sound of my father telling my mother
to come back to bed, that she has to get up
in three hours and no amount of coffee
will help her throughout the day.
i don’t hear anything from my mothers mouth
but knowing her i know the look in her eyes,
telling my father what he should already know
but him being too tired to remember.
this is what obsessive compulsive disorder
sounds like and there is nothing romantic,
funny, envious or lucky about it.
i’ve smelt the fumes of bleach more than
i have baked goods and this is not a poem
about me missing my childhood
because my mother was much too busy
wipping imaginary stains from the floor
instead of the tears from my face,
but a poem about how she considers herself
normal instead of obsessive and particular.
this is a poem about everyone always
telling me that i am lucky that my house
is always so clean and how they wish
their mother would clean their room
when they weren’t there.
And even though I know that she
isn’t cleaning the mess in my room
but the mess in her own mind,
I just wish she knew that no amount
of damp rags and sweeper chords
will ever help sort out the piles
of disorganized thoughts in her head.
this is a poem about loving my mother
although she has called me a slob
more than she has said that she is proud
of me, or how i can never do anything right
but i know, i fucking know that she wishes
for one moment she could stop cleaning up
and listen but she just can’t
and even though she wants to, her hands
just won’t give her a break.
this a poem about how OCD comes
in any form and how you don’t have to
turn the lights on and off for it to be real
or for you to not be pretending.
this is a poem about living with a parent
who is OCD and still loving the parts of them
that they don’t even know are messier
than the inside of their own immaculate home.”
- "On living with a parent with OCD" - Colleen Brown
December 4, 2014
Have you seen the original Lolita?
If you’re talking about the Stanley Kubrick Lolita, it’s technically not the original because Vladimir Nabokov wrote the book so that would be the original! But yes, I’ve seen the 62’ version! I enjoyed it, it was a lot more humorous, but I love Lyne’s version a lot more. I think Lyne’s version captures the true essence of Dolorous Haze and Humbert’s characters. I think it’s a lot more like the book. But then again Kubrick had a lot of barriers he had to jump over because of the time he had directed it. Even if Lyne did film in 1997, it was still banned in a lot of countries. But wow, if that was not me rambling. But yes! I’ve seen both versions!
"I’m not mad that you’re with someone
else, or jealous that she gets to hold
you throughout the night..."
else, or jealous that she gets to hold
you throughout the night and gets to
make you coffee in the morning.
I’m not sad that you didn’t need time
like I did to move on, I wish I was
able to give out my heart again
as easily as you could. But this isn’t
about how I feel when it comes
to your sudden blossomed romance
with a girl twice my age, this is about
how you were able to leave me
so quickly without a hint of remorse.
This is for you to see when one day
you’re alone because she just couldn’t
do the justice of filling in your heart
with the amount of love that I could.
This is for you to see when you think
about coming back to me so you know
that this home is no longer ours.
All the locks are changed, all the doors
are shut, and just like my heart
you are no longer welcome here.”
- "You’re not my problem anymore," - Colleen Brown
any movie recommendations?
I have so many films that I can recommend but I’m just going to recommend two from each category (also two from the top of my head)
comedy -
22 Jump Street
Bridesmaids
romance -
beginners
pride & prejudice (2005)
drama -
american beauty
lolita (1997)
crime -
kill bill vol. 1 & 2
pulp fiction
(anything by Quentin Tarantino)
foreign -
blue is the warmest color
amélie
of course I have so many more films to recommend but I am running late and these are just an incredibly small amount from the top of my little head
December 3, 2014
"I’m not mad that you’re with someone
else, or jealous that she gets to hold
you throughout the night..."
else, or jealous that she gets to hold
you throughout the night and gets to
make you coffee in the morning.
I’m not sad that you didn’t need time
like I did to move on, I wish I was
able to give out my heart again
as easily as you could. But this isn’t
about how I feel when it comes
to your sudden blossomed romance
with a girl twice my age, this is about
how you were able to leave me
so quickly without a hint of remorse.
This is for you to see when one day
you’re alone because she just couldn’t
do the justice of filling in your heart
with the amount of love that I could.
This is for you to see when you think
about coming back to me so you know
that this home is no longer ours.
All the locks are changed, all the doors
are shut, and just like my heart
you are no longer welcome here.”
- "You’re not my problem anymore," - Colleen Brown
If only I could say these things to you now.
If only I could say these things to you now.
"I always want those who I can’t have, love those who will never love me back, care for those who..."
I always want those who I can’t have, love those who will never love me back, care for those who only care for themselves, miss those who forgot about me long ago and remember those who will never remember that I even existed.
This is what I do and I have no one to blame but myself, and my heart that clings to these toxic memories and those unloveable people.
”- Colleen Brown
new playlist - she was mine - ”she could fade and wither -...
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