Colleen Brown's Blog, page 104

"I’ve been thinking about my legs tied around his waist in summer. I can still feel the heat of his..."

“I’ve been thinking about my legs

tied around his waist in summer.

I can still feel the heat of his skin

and how when our bodies were

pressed together I too could feel

the sun just beneath his limbs.


It was wrong but the way

his torso felt against mine

was just enough pleasure

to keep my conscious

from stopping my hands

and being unable to explore

his fragile anatomy.


I can still see us there,

can still remember how infinite I felt

when he touched the parts of me

that I never knew someone could

learn how to love.


But he loved me

with every molecule in his heart,

and I know that I will never

be able to create another memory

that still haunts me till this day

in any other being but his.”

- "A not so innocent summer," - Colleen Brown

some of my favorite outfits of 2014

some of my favorite outfits of 2014

"I haven’t eaten anything today, or at least not yet. I got up early this morning, running on..."

“I haven’t eaten anything today, or at least not yet. I got up early this morning, running on four hours of sleep but it’s hard to tell because I’ve learnt how to cover up the bags under my eyes with enough makeup where no one can tell. I picked up my prescription at the pharmacy and sang to old jazz tunes in my car on the way home while the snow brushed past my window. I haven’t done much today, just drank four cups of coffee, smoked four cigarettes and painted a woman who I will never meet but who sometimes enters my dreams. I can feel her touching me but when I wake up I know it’s not real because I’ve never felt her skin against mine. I opened all my blinds, swept the floor twice and cleaned out my drawers. I found a box of old love letters you sent to me when our love was still growing, still in the midst of blossoming. I’m still in my pajamas, I took a bath and put my red sweater back on. I dyed my hair blue for the second time this month, the bathroom tiles have marks of change between them. I washed all my dirty laundry, hung up all the clothes that had been on the chair in the corner of my room for a couple of months now. I’ve been working so many night shifts that I kept telling myself and my mother that I would do it in the morning but never did, until today. I wrote a poem about changing, ripped it out of my sketchbook and tossed it into the almost full trashcan. I filled out a few job applications online, wrapped a few presents for a friend that has more on her mind than I could ever help organize. I went outside to smoke my fifth cigarette and only got down to the middle until I could no longer feel the tips of my fingers, so I put it out and went inside. It’s not even the middle of the day yet and I have already done all I could to keep me busy, to keep my mind from wandering off, from imagining the life we could have probably had if we would have just talked it through. I keep thinking about the day when you left, when I asked you if you had everything, if you needed anything, if you wanted to say anything or everything before you went away for good this time. It’s not even the afternoon and I am already over-thinking the words that left my mouth before you left the house. I wonder what else I can do to preoccupy my time in hopes of keeping my mind off of whatever it is that I cannot take back. It’s not even dark outside and I am already wondering when I will ever see you again, if I will ever see you again and what I will do right this time when you arrive at my doorstep.”

- "No matter how busy I am my thoughts somehow still lead back to you," - Colleen Brown

who would you be without me?

who would you be without me?

How long do I have to pretendthat I am better off without youfor you to realize that you...

How long do I have to pretend

that I am better off without you

for you to realize that you really

were better off being with me.

little almost completed things from last night

little almost completed things from last night

"I decided that I’m going to change before the new year cameknocking on my door while my hands..."

“I decided that I’m going to change before the new year came

knocking on my door while my hands were tied.

I don’t need the swift movement of months passing

to become new and improved, all I need is a realization

that my life needs freshness and to not be stuck

in the same routine. I’ve been telling myself all year

that next year will be different, that I won’t be who I am today,

but this morning I woke up and decided that I don’t need

to wait another month to make promises to myself

that I’ll most likely forget about after my second shot

of tequila or after meeting the lips of a stranger

whose mouth tastes like the new years regret.

So when the clock strikes 12:00 A.M. on January 1st

I won’t need to make a new years resolution

because even if it’s a new day, a new month and a new year

I will already be someone who I have always wanted to become.”

- "I’m not waiting until the new year, I’m going to start changing today," - Colleen Brown

mostlyfiction:Put in my two weeks notice today at the bakery...

mostlyfiction:

Put in my two weeks notice today at the bakery because I need change and I need something that won’t make me feel so low so much. Hoping these next two weeks will breeze by and that no one will treat me worse than they already do. Need a change, need a new challenge, need something new to show me that I am going to make it through this next year.

Put in my two weeks notice today at the bakery because I need...

Put in my two weeks notice today at the bakery because I need change and I need something that won’t make me feel so low so much. Hoping these next two weeks will breeze by and that no one will treat me worse than they already do. Need a change, need a new challenge, need something new to show me that I am going to make it through this next year.

before i dyed my hair blue again I bleached it and when I...

before i dyed my hair blue again I bleached it and when I washed it out it turned to this type of.. mermaid like green. anyway i put it back to blue but left a strand of the dreamy green in it. most likely going to do this again in a few months (maybe weeks) and keep it at the green.