Colleen Brown's Blog, page 110
November 21, 2014
my cousin came over to work on our project for linguistics and...
my cousin came over to work on our project for linguistics and we were both wearing a black turtleneck and it wasn’t planned but my god was it appreciated
He told me that he loved me,
again. Pressed his body against
mine in a desperate hope
that maybe I...
He told me that he loved me,
again. Pressed his body against
mine in a desperate hope
that maybe I wouldn’t leave,
that maybe I would fall in love
with him all over again. He told me
that this was all he ever wanted,
that I would be the only one
that would ever hold his heart.
November 20, 2014
i missed drawing / painting hands late at night
i missed drawing / painting hands late at night
"I keep secrets hidden beneath my skin like you would keep a cigarette behind your back in case one..."
I keep secrets hidden beneath my skin like you would keep a cigarette behind your back in case one of your parents walked outside in the middle of your cooling off. This is what I do, this is how I manage, this is how I make things make sense and keep things to myself.
I don’t mean to be a mystery to you but the more you try to open me up the more I will close myself. I don’t do it to make you feel less at home or to make you feel as if I don’t care, but I do it for myself. I do it because it’s the only way I’ve survived. But you were a secret that made its way to the surface of my skin for the entire world to see.
You, yourself and your ethereal being were too bright to be hidden in the darkness that is myself. I didn’t mean to try to keep you in the dark but I also didn’t mean for you to find out that’s what I was doing all along. I should have known you were better, more clever, that you were not one to be pushed in the closet until the person with the key was ready to show you off.
So I’m sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry that I made you feel less important than you really were because I can’t get used to things like public intimacy, growing closer, building a home inside of someone whose structure may not hold up as well as mine.
I hope you can forgive me one day. I hope you can forget about the way I treated you when I wanted to be seen as someone who didn’t care, someone who could leave without notice, someone who would never be broken unless they broke themselves.
So please, if you can, if you can find some leftover space in your heart for someone who was never worthy of that warmth to begin with, try to forgive me. Try to see that it was all a disguise, all a way of protecting, all a way to show me just how much you really did and still do mean to me.
”- "I haven’t written anything in days because when I do the only thing that comes out is your name, my apology and a confession to how much I really do miss you,"
November 19, 2014
this was before i cleaned up and out my entire desk and just...
this was before i cleaned up and out my entire desk and just give me two days because i’ll be back to this
a girl from my work bought me a pack of cigarettes and when I...
a girl from my work bought me a pack of cigarettes and when I opened it she wrote on four of them “will you go out on a date with me sometime” and I’m down to the last cigarette now.
November 18, 2014
I’ve been out of words lately,
out of energy to string phrases
together in hopes that I...
I’ve been out of words lately,
out of energy to string phrases
together in hopes that I will
convince you that I am still
fighting, still holding on.
No matter how many times
I tell you that I love you,
that I will never forget about
the memories of when we were
together, you find a way to twist
my meaning and to make those
who only want what’s best
for me believe that I was
the one who loosened your grip
and who made you feel
as though you had to let go.
November 16, 2014
it’s almost 2 a.m. and i’m still not sleepy
it’s almost 2 a.m. and i’m still not sleepy
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