David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 252

Let’s Make Fun Of My Wife’s Family Crest

Today, I thought we’d take a moment to make fun of my wife’s family crest. She’s a Mooney. Thus, this is her family crest:

Do you see that? It’s a lizard in a tree. That’s right, lizard in a tree.

What the heck is a lizard doing in a tree? Are there even lizards in Ireland? I have no idea how this lizard got into this tree, but I’m betting that there’s something strange behind it. And, the Mooney’s decided this should be their family crest.

I’m sure someone with heraldry knowledge could explain this, but I’m not sure we should trust them anyway. Never trust anyone who studies heraldry.

Regardless, I think we can all admit this is bizarre and agree to make fun of my wife. A lizard in a tree? What’s up with that?

It’s My Birthday! Buy My Book!

It’s my birthday! Buy my book!

Bones Buried in the Dirt (available from Amazon, Tattered Cover, of the Bookworm in Omaha).

A Bon Jovi Nanowrimo Moment

I’m sure you’re all getting sick of me talking about Nanowrimo. However, I just passed an important milestone on day 10. I hit 25,563 words. Since Nanowrimo is just 50K words in November, I’m halfway there. Let’s celebrate with a little Bon Jovi:

Of course, I’m not really halfway done with the novel. My outline has 23-24 chapters and I just finished ten. I have about another two days or so before I’ll really be halfway done, but let’s not quibble.

After all, Nanowrimo goals are set up so you hit 50K words by the end of November. That’s around 1667 words a day (which would be 16,670 by day 10). I’ve just been taking a single chapter a day because that’s working better for writing coherently, which leaves me about 8893 words ahead of Nanowrimo schedule. Nanowrimo is estimating I’ll be done by the 20th at this rate, though I only need to currently write 1,164 per day to make 50K by the end of November.

Also, this is taking a lot of time. As such, I don’t have as much time as normal to come up with blog posts. I’m milking for posts where I can.

The Elephant Does Not ‘Go Toot’

As you might imagine, I keep hearing Ylvis – The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?). I don’t want to, but I keep hearing it. And, always, when we get to the point in the song that goes: “and the elephant goes toot,” I immediately think of an indignant elephant from Looney Tunes.

After all, “and the elephant goes toot?” Have you ever heard an elephant with a trumpeting noise that sounds anything like ‘toot?’ I never have, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone describe it that way.

Frankly, it sounds like a reference to flatulence.

Now, I’m sure you remember the elephant I’m talking about…even if you don’t remember that you remember. It was from a Looney Tunes cartoon called “Rabbit Fire” where Elmer Fudd is out hunting and Bugs and Daffy fight over who he is going to shoot (leading to the famous “Wabbit season! Duck season! Wabbit season!” exchange). At some point, a reference is made to shooting an elephant. Of course, and indignant elephant appears and delivers the line: “You shoot an elephant and I’ll give ya such a pinch!” Elmer is then pounded, if I remember correctly.

Regardless, this is the elephant I think of when I hear Ylvis sing “and the elephant goes toot.” This is what I imagine that the elephant’s response would be:

A Chicken Makes Me Look Stupid

A chicken made me look stupid the other day. I just thought I would share that with everyone.

You see, there is a chicken that lives out at the rest stop near Wiggins or Fort Morgan in Colorado (I’ve never entirely figured out which town it goes with). There is an island that separates incoming and outgoing traffic for the rest stop with some bushes on it and there is a little chicken house there where a chicken lives. This has always amused my wife and I.

However, when we drove that interstate this summer, we didn’t see the chicken. The little house was gone.

Recently, we drove that interstate again and saw as we drove in that the chicken house was back, though we didn’t immediately see the chicken. We had been worried the last time we drove through that something had happened to it. But, the little chicken house was back. Perhaps the chicken couldn’t survive the summers outside, though somehow being okay with winter, and they’d just taken him inside for a while. Perhaps the old chicken had died and they’d gotten a new one. We didn’t know.

Regardless, even seeing the chicken house back, my wife was concerned. After all, we had seen no chicken.

My wife stayed in the car and I strode the long walk to the actual rest stop from the parking lot. For some reason, the rest stop building at this particular rest stop is actually a pretty good distance from the parking lot down a long sidewalk. When I got to the building itself, I happened to notice the chicken in the bushes.  Apparently, he’d gone on walkabout. In any event, I took a picture with my phone so I could show my wife it was okay when I got back to the car:

Then I used the rest stop and walked back to the car.

As I approached the car, I took out my phone and pulled up the picture. I intended to show it to my wife. “Look,” I said, holding out the phone (her car window was down), “the chicken is okay.”

For some reason, she was laughing hysterically. She replied: “I know” and pointed behind me. There was the chicken. He scampered off to his little house, which happened to be near our car.

Apparently, he had wanted to go back to his house, but had been reluctant to cross that long, exposed sidewalk alone. When I passed by the bush he was hiding in on the way back from the rest stop building, he apparently fell in line behind me about a foot or two back. Then, as I walked back to the car, he followed the whole way. It was an unwitting chicken parade.

My wife said it was one of the funniest things she’d ever seen, me being unknowingly tailed by a chicken. It just kept walking, all unconcerned and very pleased with itself, with me. My wife watched the whole walk, and I didn’t know about it until the end. I can’t believe my wife hadn’t thought until afterward to grab a video of that. Video would have been priceless, and that’ll never happen again.

I’ll never trust another chicken.

First Nanowrimo Weekly Update

I know that not everyone is a big fan of Nanowrimo, but I decided to do it just this once. I’ve probably mentioned that already, but that doesn’t bug me. I needed to get going on a novel I was planning (tentative title is Apocalypse All the Time) and I wanted to at least have done it once. Regardless, I’m now a week in.

Here is my progress for week 1 (remember, the goal with Nanowrimo is 50,000 words by the end of November):

Day 1: 2272

Day 2: 2811

Day 3: 2554

Day 4: 2981

Day 5: 3100

Day 6: 2535

Day 7: 2226

Running total for week 1: 18,479

And there we have it, Nanowrimo week 1. Let’s see if I can keep it up.

Is It Cheating If I Planned Out My Nanowrimo Novel In October?

I was just wondering if I was cheating at Nanowrimo. I didn’t start writing until November 1, and have been writing every day and only counting the words for that day, but I spent October planning the novel. Is that acceptable? I don’t know how this is supposed to work exactly.

I tend to plan out a novel before I write it. I spend a lot of time writing in my head, and then I sketch out how things are supposed to go. It’s kind of like an outline, except a lot more free form. I sketch out the general idea of who is doing what when, the general arc and all that, and then a list of the individual parts and what happens in each. Character sketches and such. Only about 18 pages of a moleskin notebook.

Still, can you do that for Nanowrimo? Are you supposed to start fresh on day 1, or can you plan like I did?

I suppose I don’t really care. This is just an excuse to get a draft of a novel I’ve been thinking about on paper, and I wanted to do it once just to say that I did it. I’m not a huge Nanowrimo devotee other than that. It doesn’t really matter if I cheated by planning ahead of time.

Still, did I?

Tarps Can Be Used For Things Other Than Hiding Government Conspiracies

I would like to counter an assertion that my wife made earlier. Tarps have uses other than hiding secret government experiments. For example, they can keep things dry. Not every tarp hides a government conspiracy.

You see, my wife and I were driving across Nebraska the other day. We kept seeing semi trucks with open beds. Frequently, the load on the open bed was covered with a tarp. Each time my wife pointed and said: “Secret government experiment.”

I disagreed. Not EVERY tarp hides a secret government experiment. Some truckers may just want to keep whatever is under there dry. Perhaps it keeps something bound together, prevents it from flying away. I’m not saying that none of the tarps we saw covered secret government experiments. However, I’m saying that if there were any, they were probably the exception rather than the rule.

Now, you might say to me that my wife was joking and there was no need for me to go on at length to clarify this point. In response, I would remind anyone crass enough to make such a suggestion that I rarely require a “need” in order to do most of what I do. So there.

Only 8 Days Left To Support Mellow Pages Library!

Just so you know, there are only 8 days left to support Mellow Pages Library. They’re a pretty cool operation and so it’d be a cool thing if you were able to help support. There is still a ways to go to get to goal, but it’s possible. Just thought I’d put a bug in people’s ears about it.

In case you don’t know, Mellow Pages Library is an independently run library and reading room in Brooklyn, NY that focuses on limited-run fiction and poetry. Indie publishing needs places like this. There is even a copy of Bones Buried in the Dirt there.

Response to Mellow Pages Library has been so great, that they really need to expand. They need help, and you can be part of that help. No pressure, but it’d be cool if you could be part of this.

They’ve got some great perks to encourage donation as well. Lifetime memberships, a limited edition novella (only 5 copies will ever exist) by Michael Seidlinger (only 4 of these left, signed up for one myself), and many other cool and interesting things.

Regardless, just give it a thought. If you can help and want to, do. If you can’t, I understand. I just thought I’d ask.

Something To Do If I Get Rich: Jim Gaffigan

Though there is very little chance of me ever winning the lottery, I believe in being fully prepared for such an eventuality. Just in case I ever become rich in such a way, I want to be sure I know how I’ll spend the money. One idea I just had? Jim Gaffigan.

I’m sure you all know the hot pocket bit he does:

Well, this plays into that. You see, if I get rich enough, I’ll pay Jim Gaffigan to hang around in the freezer section of my normal grocery store. Right by the hot pockets. Every time someone goes to buy one, he’ll sing: “Hot pockets!”

Is there a point? Not really, but none of my ideas about things to do if I get rich really have a point. Mostly, they just amuse me. I think that’s the kind of life I’ll live if I ever get rich. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be much chance of it happening.

I think the world would be a better place.