David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 248

Wait…There Is A Book I Didn’t Finish And Never Came Back To

People are always talking about books they didn’t finish and never got back to. People have asked me about this, and usually I tell them that I can’t think of any. There were several that took me one or more times to get started into (such as War and Peace or In Search of Lost Time, but I hadn’t been able to think of one that I started and hadn’t finished.

I finally remembered one. “Beelzebub’s Tales to His Grandson” or “An Objectively Impartial Criticism of the Life of Man” by Gurdjieff. I picked up a copy somewhere around 18 years ago, started into it a bit, and just wandered off. I barely even remembered it until now.

So why didn’t I finish? Why haven’t I returned to it?

Well, it isn’t supposed to be a very good book. It’s long, but so are a lot of things. But, Gurdjieff isn’t rumored to be a particularly good writer. He was a mystic, and his books are important for the mysticism…which is of course hidden in the text. Casual readers supposably read right on by it. The writing, I’ve heard, is crap.

I can’t comment on that, though. I read a little ways into it and got distracted by other things. I wasn’t that interested at that point, but I don’t think I can really comment on the book because I hadn’t gotten that far in. I just wasn’t that interested in it.

Regardless, I did want to mention this because I finally remembered it was a book I started and never finished. There was one I could name after all.

Oscar Makes It Harder To Go To Work

My new cat is making it harder to go to work in the mornings. Going to work in the mornings is hard enough. Oscar is making it that much harder.

A month ago, my wife and I decided to adopt one of the feral cats in our neighborhood. My wife wanted to adopt this guy since we first saw him wandering around as a tiny kitten, but it took a long time before he was unafraid enough of us for my wife to grab him. Now he loves us. We named him Oscar. Here is a pic of Oscar trying to eat a Voodoo Doughnut:

Anyway, the vet said that Oscar was around 6 months old when we adopted him. He definitely still behaves a lot like a kitten, much more playful than our other cats. In fact, he has a habit in the mornings of running up to me as I’m going out the door with the boa part of his boa teaser toy in his mouth, the stick part trailing behind. This is where it gets more difficult to go to work.

I mean, it’s already hard enough to get up in the mornings as it is. No one really wants to go to work. Now I have Oscar running up to me most mornings with his toy in his mouth as if he’s saying: “Hey, instead of you going to work…we could always just play with my toy!”

Not cool, Oscar. I’d much rather stay and play with you, but I gotta go to work. It’s not like I haven’t thought of this already, I just don’t have a choice.

The Revenge Of The Scammed Clarification: James Reed Is Not James Reed

I’d like to make a little clarification about The Revenge of the Scammed anthology (which I’m hoping I get a story into) and the fundraiser that goes along with it (which you should check out if you haven’t contributed already). As I mentioned previously, Edward J Rathke was defrauded by a guy using the alias “James Xavier Reed” as part of Eddy’s freelance work to the tune of about two grand. However, James Reed is not James Reed.

You see, in addition to this guy going under the alias “James Xavier Reed” cheating Eddy, he has also sullied the name James Reed. There is a guy who is actually named James Reed who is a hell of a writer and a hell of a writing mentor. I took a class from him myself once and learned a ton. James Reed is not the guy who scammed Eddy.

You have to imagine how confusing this was for me, to write a story about revenge against “James Xavier Reed” when James Reed was one of my undergrad writing mentors. This makes me despise the scammer going under the name “James Xavier Reed” because it’s even worse to dirty the name  James Reed.

Regardless, don’t confuse  the scammer going under the name “James Xavier Reed” with James Reed.  James Reed is a hell of a guy and a hell of a writer.  I have nothing but love and admiration for  James Reed. The scammer going under the name “James Xavier Reed” is a terrible person and I hate him. There is a world of difference.

A Literary Craving Finally Satisfied

A long running literary craving has finally been satisfied. On December 13th, I finally got to try Voodoo Doughnuts. I’ve been waiting for this for quite a while.

This all goes back to February of 2012 when I read A Very Minor Prophet by James Bernard Frost (a very good book, by the way). The book discussed Voodoo Doughnuts in a few places, and suddenly I had to try one. Of course, it was only in Oregon at the time, primarily Portland. I hadn’t been to Portland since 1995.

I almost went for this, that and to be able to visit Powells.

However, I ended up not having to wait to go to Portland, though I still need to go there so I can go to Powells. Instead, I heard Voodoo Doughnuts was actually coming to my town. Unfortunately, it took about six months before this actually happened.

But then it did. The 13th was the very first day Voodoo Doughnuts would be open. Just a soft opening for a few hours, but still. I went and waited. I arrived early, but not early enough. There was already quite a line. All in all, it took somewhere around 2-3 hours to get in there and get the doughnuts. Most of the ones I’d been hoping for were already gone and I was only allowed to buy 4. Everyone was very apologetic, but me and everyone else waiting knew what we’d been getting into. The 2-3 hours and what I managed to get were worth it:

I just had to satisfy that Voodoo Doughnuts craving I first picked up from A Very Minor Prophet. I can wait for them to do the real opening and get more choices. For the moment, I was just thrilled to finally be able to try them. This craving has lingered for quite a while.

My Authority To Speak About Pancakes

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a new book titled The Garden of Good and Evil Pancakes forthcoming from EAB Publishing in spring 2014. I was thinking about this and started wondering if people would question my authority to speak about pancakes. Would they ask: Hey, what does this guy know about pancakes?

Well, I’ll tell you one thing…it’s pretty difficult to clean up 50 pounds of spilled buttermilk pancake batter from the bottom of a walk through refrigerator. I know that much.

You see, I worked at Village Inn for about 3 weeks back in the mid nineties. Part of that time, I worked as the prep cook. Of course, I therefore prepared the buttermilk pancake batter.

Given the amount of pancakes that Village Inn goes through, I was told to make buttermilk pancake batter in 200 pound batches. Mixed it all up with fresh buttermilk in a mixing machine that was as tall as I was. The giant bucket of batter was then poured (with the help of another person) into four containers of 50 pounds each. These were stored in the walk through refrigerator (a refrigerated corridor about 10-20 feet long with doors at both ends) until needed.

One thing you definitely do not want to do in your first week as prep cook is trip as you are carrying one of these containers into the walk through refrigerator. The container will smash on the floor. Buttermilk pancake batter will flow all over the floor of the walk through refrigerator. You may not be fired for this, but you will spend a couple of hours cleaning up.

50 pounds of pancake batter is really, really hard to clean up from the floor of a walk through refrigerator.

Anyway, that’s at least part of my authority to speak about pancakes. I know pancakes, as you can clearly see from the above. I know the answers to things that many people would think unnecessary to ask. That’s just the kind of guy I am.

Have You Submitted To Paragraph Line Recently?

Have you submitted to Paragraph Line recently? They’ve been on hiatus for a bit while the head of that mag (Jon Konrath) did various things like work on publishing and promoting Alpha Mike Foxtrot by John Sheppard and his own book Thunderbird (both excellent books and heartily recommended). However, they’re getting ready to ramp up again and for the first time in a while, they are taking submissions.

What do they dig? Well, if it’s freaky, they’re probably interested. Here’s a quote from their submittable submit page:

We publish two things: absurdist and outsider fiction.

Absurdist: we like stuff that’s funny, strange, experimental, offensive, and that has a serious WTF factor. If your writing is the literary equivalent of Kentucky Fried Movie, we want to see it.

Outsider: low-lifes, junkies, dope-heads, strippers, whores, beats, degenerates, and the marginalized; we’re big fans of Bukowski, but we don’t just want clones.

We’re looking for flash and super-short stories that defy genre. We like to read stuff we haven’t seen before. I realize everyone says that, but seriously, don’t give us the same cookie-cutter MFA story as everyone else.

No poetry.

As an example, here’s a link to a story of mine they previously published titled “Ideas: Where to Get Them and What to Do When They Won’t Leave.”

Anyway, if you’ve got something fun and weird, check them out. It’s a good mag and a cool thing to be a part of.

Tall Tales With Short Cocks Vol. 4 Is Now Available On Kindle!

You gotta check this out: Rooster Republic Press‘s flagship bizarro anthology Tall Tales with Short Cocks vol. 4 is now available on kindle. The print edition should be coming soon. You might not want to wait, though.

The anthology includes my commemoration (?) of the passing of Magaret Thatcher, “Kidnapping with Margaret Thatcher.” It’s the only place you’ll be able to read that. I might tell you some of the background on the story in a later post, though you’ll have to pick up the anthology if you actually want to read it.

I just can’t convey how cool this is. I’ve read all of the first three volumes of this series and loved them. To actually have my writing become part of the series floors me, particularly when it get included with the work of such writers as Casper Kelly, Danger Slater, Douglas Hackle, Arthur Graham, and much more.

Anyway, check out the kindle edition and ”Kidnapping with Margaret Thatcher.” I can promise that it’s going to be weird.

I Find Flaw In A Study

I just found a flaw in a study I just read about. The study analyzed the alcohol consumption of James Bond, concluding that Bond’s alcohol consumption predicted serious health consequences. However, as I said, there is a flaw. (Ignore the fact that the article has a picture of Daniel Craig whom we all know is not really James Bond.)

The flaw is that James Bond is a fictional character.

That’s right, fiction. He is not alive. He does not actually drink any alcohol because he does not really exist. He does not have a liver, or a heart. As such, alcohol cannot have any effect upon such. He has no body at all and cannot suffer any adverse effects from alcohol, which he cannot actually drink because he doesn’t exist.

In fact, even if Bond were based on a real person, that person would probably be dead already. Let us not forget that Ian Fleming wrote the books back in the 50′s and 60′s. Even presuming that a person on whom Bond could have been based was 30 in 1950, he’d be 93 by now. I’m thinking even any kind of base for Bond is already dead. After all, Ian Fleming himself has been dead for almost 50 years. I’m not thinking that alcohol has much effect on dead people.

Anyway, it didn’t take long to spot a flaw in the study. They can say what they want, but alcohol is probably not that harmful to the deceased and the nonexistent. Just saying.

2013 Readings At Tattered Cover

Since I posted something like this last year, I thought I’d collect all the readings I went to at Tattered Cover (Colfax or Lodo) here in one place. I know December is still going, but I’ve hit all I can. I missed November because I spaced off when the date I wanted to go to was until afterward, but I managed two in one month twice so I still got there pretty regular.

Anyway, here we go:

- January:  Steven Schwartz, Little Raw Souls

- February: Dave Barry, Insane City

- March: Emily Rapp,  The Still Point of the Turning World and Beverly Donofrio, Astonished

- April: Kristopher Jansma, The Unchangeable Spots of Leopards

- May: Benjamin Percy, Red Moon

- June: Linda Joffe Hull, Eternally 21 and John Price, Daddy Long Legs

- July: Matt Bell, In the House upon the Dirt between the Lake and the Woods

- August: Marjan Kamali, Together Tea

- September: Robert Boswell, Tumbledown

- October: George Pelecanos, The Double

- November: None (Remember? I said I spaced off the one I wanted to go to and missed)

- December: Amy Tan, The Valley of Amazement

Now I can start looking at the 2014 lineup. Try for at least one a month again.

Is It Really That Big A Deal That Kanye West Doesn’t Like To Read?

I have to ask, is it really that big of a deal that Kanye West doesn’t much care for reading? I’m talking about the quote where he purportedly stated:

Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.

I’ve heard a lot of people getting mad about this, and I can somewhat see why…a little bit. It does seem to be a bit anti-intellectual, at least on the surface. I definitely don’t believe people read enough and don’t agree with the sentiment.

However, did everyone previously think that Kanye was a big reader? Is this a surprise? Even if someone is outraged by the fact that Kanye is proud of this instead of embarrassed, did people expect Kanye to be embarrassed about any aspect of himself? I mean, this is Kanye. Whether he is really like what he seems in the media or whether this is a persona he creates, this seems totally in keeping with the image of Kanye I’ve picked up so far.

As for people worrying about Kanye influencing people not to read, I can’t think that anyone who would be influenced so easily would have been reading much to begin with. I’m sure plenty of Kanye fans read, and those who don’t listen to his music probably won’t listen to his opinions on this, but do you really think any of his reader fans would follow his thoughts on this?

Frankly, I do have to give Kanye at least a little benefit of the doubt that he was trying to say that he preferred interaction with actual people over reading about people. Even if I like both reading and interacting with actual people and think the two serve different functions, the sentiment would at least have a little more appealing logic.

But, even if this means exactly what it seems to, why do most people care? If they don’t dig Kanye, why would they care that he doesn’t read? I don’t think it’s good if he doesn’t value books at all, but I’m sure he wouldn’t think it was good (if he had a reason to care who I was) that I don’t take the time to listen to his music.

Bottom line, I just don’t see why this is such a big deal. I don’t agree with what Kanye is apparently saying, but I’m not really surprised about that either.