Jonelle Patrick's Blog, page 70

The Poo Shooter Vending Machine

What does one actually DO with a Poo Shooter, except annoy one’s little brother?

Hmm.

I guess some things aren’t Only In Japan…

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

The $20 Pancake, With A Strawberry On Top

Okay, to be fair, those popular flapjacks are the trendy underpinnings of a colossal sundae-thing. For twenty bucks, you get:

• Three (count ‘em, three) pancakes

• Two chocolate waffle-rific ear-like things

• A scoop of vanilla ice cream

• Six banana slices

• Two strawberries (sliced artfully) plus some additional random fruit

• What might properly be called a “drizzle” of caramel sauce

• Whipped cream galore (wait, does 12 squirts add up to galore? Checking.)

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

All Black, All The Time

The first time I explored a Japanese department store, I was excited to see that they had an entire department devoted to clothes in my favorite color: black!  Then a Japanese friend explained: it was the mofuku department. Funeralwear. Yes, in the Land of Extreme Specialization, people maintain a whole set of clothes and accessories specifically designed not to break any funeral rules!

And what might those rules be, I nervously asked. Isn’t it okay just to wear something respectfully black, avoiding, of course, thigh-revealing miniskirts and plunging necklines? What makes funeralwear different?

Well, for one thing, proper funeral clothing can’t have one stitch or button that isn’t black. It has to be black in every way. Even the cloth has to be super black, dyed twice, of possible.

Even this black hole would not be too black for a Japanese funeral.

Black stockings, black shoes, black handbag, and black gloves if you’re wearing nail polish.

Not THESE kid of black stockings.

Oh, and make sure that bag and shoes aren’t made of leather – most people live as Shinto practitioners, but they die as Buddhists. Because Buddhism prohibits killing other living things, it’s in somewhat poor taste to show up at the ceremony with dead animals on your feet or looped over your arm. Of course, you’re supposed to be so focused on mourning the Dear Departed that you don’t give any thought to jewelry and makeup. The only exception is pearls. You’re allowed to wear one strand, but not two. Two will double your grief.

Cruisn’ for a bruisin’.

Men wear black suits with white shirts, and plain black ties. And black socks. Don’t forget the black socks. This is not the time for kneeling in front of the incense urn and displaying your favorite argyles, no matter how fetching they may be.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Funeral etiquette looms large in her  business.

You’re Never Too Young To Start The Training

Yes, young padawan, if you want to grow up to be a powerful host club master, it is never to early to start the training. Faux Louis Vuitton sandals: check. Silver studded black vest: check. Hair waxed, sprayed and bleached to perfection: check, check, check! The Force is strong in this one.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. This photo is from the reader snaps page of her perennial favorite magazine, Men’s Knuckle.

Glow-in-the-Dark Sushi?

Aieee, I went to eat sushi last night and I have to admit, I was peering at the tuna anxiously for signs it might glow on the dark if they turned out the lights. After reading that tuna being caught off the coast of California were all tainted with radioactive Cesium from the Fukushima Dai-ichi meltdown in 2009, I was kind of worried. To eat, or not to eat?

In the interests of not giving up tuna (sob!), I did a little ferreting around. Here’s what I found:

What totally scared me

This photo is from the CBS News piece I read

News reports said that tuna caught all the way across the ocean from Fukushima were contaminated with ten times more radioactive Cesium-134 and -137 than before the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear plant meltdown in 2011. There’s no doubt that the elevated fish radioactivity is a result of growing up in the reactor meltdown water that barreled into the ocean after the 3/11 tsunami – they tested tuna from the Atlantic Ocean and tuna that had migrated to California before the 3/11 earthquake and didn’t find any Cesium at all. So now the release of radioactive water (that is still leaking into the ocean from the damaged reactor, according to this weeks’ additional outraged headlines) is contaminating the food supply beyond Japan.

Aieeee! Do I have to give up tuna forever? Nooooo!

Okay, calm down. Maybe it’s not actually as bad as it seems at first glance. Surely there must be some article that will tell me just how many pieces of chu-toro I can pound down before I grow three heads. Beavering about some more, I found a couple of articles that said hey, don’t get your knickers in a twist, the amount of cesium in a serving of the recently-caught glow-in-the-dark tuna is equal to what you get from eating 1/20th of a banana. (Bananas always contain some radioactive potassium. Who knew? O_O)

Taking this to the logical next step, Forbes magazine was inspired to publish an article countering the eco-warrior spin on the hot fish news, quantifying the entire Fukushima radioactive water leak crisis in terms of bananas. Apparently, the Fukushima plant has dumped 76 million bananas-worth of radiation into the Pacific.

Whew. So it’s not really that bad, right?

Tra la tra la, pass the soy sauce!

But wait! There’s more.

First of all, the fish they tested were two to three years old. They’d been majorly dosed with radioactive water from the initial meltdown in their formative years, then they grew somewhat less radioactive as they got bigger and migrated to untainted parts of the ocean. Also, the Cesium-134 lodged in their tissues has a half-life of 2.0652 years, so it decayed somewhat from the time the fish were originally contaminated.

But what will happen when the plume of radioactive water that’s still leaking into the ocean from the damaged Fukushima reactor at the rate of 300,000 litres a day spreads throughout the Pacific, like these maps predict?

Or, more specifically, look at the dispersion map from researchers at the University of Hawaii, who used a more detailed model of the Pacific’s water movement patterns:

The U of H guys say the radioactivity won’t spread uniformly through they water. It will tend to collect in certain places, like off Alaska’s Aleutian Islands, and next to the west coast of America. (Surf’s up dude. How do you like my new lead-lined wetsuit?)

So, what will happen to my future sashimi if radioactive water continues to sluice into the ocean from Fukushima Dai-ichi, adding to the plume from the earthquake that’s spreading across the Pacific? What if the tuna are exposed to radiation their whole lives, not just near Japan,where they hatch?

I guess we’ll find out when the results of a study planned for this summer come out. Researchers are going to measure the levels in fish that have been more constantly exposed to radioactive seawater their whole lives.

In the meantime, I wish the Japanese government would stop concentrating so hard on luring the 2020 Olympics to town, and more on getting Fukushima Dai-ichi shut down and cleaned up for good. Because come on, guys, I don’t look good in lead.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. She doesn’t usually write about depressing stuff like this, but sometimes the less-great stuff about Japan gets to buzzing around inside her head like an angry-ish bee.

Wrapping Paper That’s Too Nice For Any Present

Cats at the public bath!

There’s one problem with shopping at the chiyogami store in Yanaka – in a matter of  minutes, my shopping basket was stacked with ten times the number of sheets I came for, and all of them were whispering, “Frame me!” Even though the paper isn’t expensive, I knew when I got home I wouldn’t be able to bear cutting up and sticking a piece of tape on any of them. In fact, I wasn’t sure I could give them away.

This store’s designs are so wonderful, Van Gogh immortalized one of them in a painting. If you ask, the cashier will show you a book with a picture of the painting, and sure enough, the paper in the background is recognizable as one that they still sell in the store today! I guess Van Gogh had the same problem.

An Edo Era toyseller’s stand that also never made it to the cutting room floor. I’m sorry to say, my friend got a birthday wrapped in a piece of boring old tissue paper I managed to scrounge from the back of my paper drawer.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. If you want to go to the chiyogami store the next time you’re in Tokyo, directions and a map are on my website, The Tokyo Guide I Wish I’d Had.

It Looks Like a Burrito. It Says It’s a Burrito. But…

Okay, even though it claims in English to be a HOT & DELICIOUS BURRITO, I should have known that anything resembling a slightly overgrown packet of saltine crackers was going to deliver nothing but disappointment. But in case I had any doubts, it says right there on the package in Japanese: Bolognese & cheese. Unclear-on-the-nationality sauce fail OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. She is, admittedly, a burrito snob.

 

 

Dance Cat

Found this first one in Harjuku.

There’s this Tokyo street artist whose work I’m always excited to see colonizing a new neighborhood. What is it about the character I think of as Dance Cat that really cheers me up?

Also in Harajuku, Dance Mouse from behind.

Then, all the way across town in Akihabara, psychedelic Dance Cat!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Gonna Wash That Woman Right Out Of My Hair…

Okay, the bewigged, all-Japanese production of Amadeus made me do a double take. The all-Japanese version of Fiddler On The Roof got a raised eyebrow. The all-Japanese, all-female stage rendition of Ocean’s Eleven crossed over the line into minor mindboggle territory. But the all-Japanese, all-female stage production of South Pacific? A play in which not only are most of the main characters undeniably male, they’re also employed in fighting against, uh, THE JAPANESE…?! Yikes, how might one approach a role such as that, exactly?

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Photos from Nail Max magazine.

Slightly Creepy, And Yet…

Solve the perennial problem of having to listen to the life story of the ex-schoolteacher from Peoria on your next flight out of Tokyo by donning one of these luridly realistic eye masks! Choose from Unblinking Mass Murderer, Flight Panic Stare, Mad Scientist Who Is Looking For Subjects For His Next Experiment, Loony Bin Escapee, and Jezebel Von Diva. Be sure NOT to choose the Anime Eye Masks, unless you wish to be treated to One Piece spoilers for nine hours.