Jonelle Patrick's Blog, page 67
October 17, 2013
Mascot Fail
If ever there was an organization in need of an international focus group, it would be the association in charge of coming up with a mascot to promote the products of poor beleaguered Fukushima. When I first saw this, I thought it was a colossal internet trolling! I mean, after suffering one of the grandest nuclear fu*kups of all time, who in their right mind would name their mascot this? Sadly, however, I discovered they’re not alone among Japanese business boosters in adopting a character that somehow falls short of appealing, trade-enhancing cuteness…
“Mari Mokkori” was named after a local Hokkaido algae, but most regrettably is also slang for, er, a bulge in the pants. Which, as you can see, was not lost on the costume designer.
Blood-kun carries around a backpack full of blood to encourage people to donate. I seriously did NOT make this up.
I don’t know which is scarier – the Melon Bear big-headed mascot costume or the grandma peeking out from between the jaws of the Melon Bear suit. I think I will give a wide berth to Yubari City in Hokkaido…
And last, but certainly not least, The Honorable Duck Butt Of Sugamo. You can pet it and have your picture taken with it on the street known as The Grandma and Grandpa’s Harajuku in Tokyo.
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.
October 16, 2013
“What May I Pick Up For You, Master Of The House?”
Now anyone can be All-Master-All-The-Time with these maid-themed chopsticks from Tokyu Hands! While they may not be too ace at drawing cat whiskers on your ome-rice, you can probably beat them with great regularity at Jenga…
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. If you’re curious about just what goes on at a maid café, pick up Nightshade, the first in the series! (=^ェ^=)
October 15, 2013
You’re A Sexy WHAT?
What’s a girl to do if she needs a fetching Halloween costume for the company drinkathon, but doesn’t want to show up in the same maid costume all the OLs are wearing or be the only female AKB48 impersonator?
Bunnychan Club costume design to the rescue! The only problem is, it’s so hard to decide – shall I be a Sexy Skunk or a Sexy Werewolf…?
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Thank you Ageha magazine for this, er, unique idea.
October 13, 2013
Fruity Toilet Paper
Would your nether parts prefer green grape, purple grape or peach?
Is it just me, or is toilet paper that smells like something you’d eat a little…um, no thanks?
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Fruity toilet paper will not be making an appearance in any of her books.
October 12, 2013
Break Glass In Case Of Poetry
Wandering the grounds at Hikone Castle, I came across this curious little box on a post. It had cards, it had a writing shelf, it had a slot for depositing the cards after one had used the writing shelf. I couldn’t read the kanji on the front. What was it? A suggestion box? Why would they put a suggestion box in the middle of Hikone Castle?
“Hi, I think the castle would look more cheery if you painted it a nice buttercup yellow”?
“Why aren’t there any ninjas? You should have ninjas.”?
“It would be a big improvement if you sold hot dogs.”
I snapped a picture and studied it later. It actually says:
THROW DOWN A POEM BOX
Throw down a poem? No way! But guess what? That’s what Japanese tourists did before there were cameras! They’d journey to a famous destination and dash off a poem to capture the moment instead of clicking a forty-six megapixel snapshot. And amazingly enough, haiku clubs STILL pen their way around Japan chewing their pencils and jotting down their impressions of famous waterfalls, temples, whirlpools, you-name-it. I actually encountered a group like that at a temple café the next day, all sitting around a table with their green tea and sweets, taking turns reading their poems out loud!
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.
October 11, 2013
Doll Eyes
100% Japanese? A-yup!
I’ve always wondered, how do ordinary 100% Japanese women get that round-eyed babydoll look? Fortunately, Ageha magazine hired a pro makeup artist to spill all the secrets!
Here’s where he started:
She’s already got a head start on the hair bleaching and eyelid glue, and she’s definitely no stranger to makeup and fake eyelashes, but she definitely still looks Japanese.
Okay, here’s the step by step transformation!
1: The key point is to glue on the fake bottom lashes BELOW your actual eyelid! See how they start out on the inside edge where they belong, but end up about an eighth of an inch below the edge of her actual eyelid? See how there’s a little triangle of skin between the eyeball and the fake lashes? By doing this, the makeup artist actually changed how we see the shape of the model’s eyes! A little eyeliner pencil seals the deal.
2: Exchange those straight upper faux lashes for a set of swoopy curly ones. These get pasted just above your natural eyelashes (You can still kind of see the model’s real eyelashes poking straight out below the fake ones in the last picture.)
3: Next, put in your bright blue circle contacts, boosting your resemblance to Chucky 100%.
4: Pink eyeshadow below the eyes makes that part of the face look less flat. (Do Westerners really have hillier faces than Japanese? I never noticed!)
5: Dark brown eyeshadow goes above, to make eyes look more deep-set.
6: And finally, a swoosh of face powder that’s much lighter than your skin goes straight down the nose, to change that perky Japanese shape into a “tall” Western-style schnozz.
And voila! That’s how you become a living doll! The tougher question might be…why would a beautiful Japanese woman want to?
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.
October 10, 2013
Unnatural Fruits Of Japan
I must have spent too much time in Japan, because the last time I passed my local Super Expensive Fruit Store (where they always ask if you’d like your purchase gift wrapped!), I actually found myself wishing I’d been invited somewhere that would require a gift of produce that’s as pricey as a good bottle of champagne. I badly wanted to appear on someone’s doorstep with this square watermelon!
Of course, at first I was suspicious that it was a scary new experiment in genome tampering, but it turns out they just grow them in molds! In fact, this dominatrix-like fruit training isn’t confined to watermelons! Check out the Deco Cucumber:
Want!
Lace that cuke into this veggie version of whalebone stays, and in about ten days, voila! Star shaped salad fixin’s!
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.
October 7, 2013
Top Ten Reasons To Go To Tokyo!
10. See where the 47 ronin are actually buried!
If you think that 47 ronin stuff was all Keanu Reeves and Hollywood, think again. Those dudes are ACTUALLY BURIED at a temple in Tokyo! Not only that, the museum at Segaku-ji has their signed confession and a receipt for Lord Kira’s DECAPITATED HEAD.
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9. Eat wasabi ice cream.
You’ll definitely know you’re not in Springfield anymore when you step into Ice Cream City, where you can chow down on flavors so weird you’ll definitely be able to brag about it later. Wasabi. Hot pepper. Curry. Soy sauce. Eel. Beer. And that’s just for starters.
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8. Make your own plastic food.
Where else can you go to a workshop where you learn how to make those amazing plastic food models you always see at Japanese restaurants? Go home with a piece of tempura and a head of lettuce you made yourself!
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7. Consume magical flaming food, served by ninjas.
Our ninja waitress turned this flaming egg into a piece of barbecued chicken right there at the table. Way better than being served by Goofy at Disneyland.
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6. Walk around Senso-ji temple, all lit up at night
If you’re a if-you’ve-seen-one-temple-you’ve-seen-’em-all type, you haven’t been to Senso-ji at night. Seriously.
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5. Eat sushi for breakfast
Where else in the world can you eat sushi for breakfast? The raw fish joints at the Tsukiji fish market are open 24/7. You’ll never eat better fish anywhere, ever.
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4. Pet fifty cats while sipping a latte
Tokyo is the original place to spend an hour surrounded by the kittehs of your dreams: fat cats, skinny cats, fluffy cats, giant cats, all just waiting to give you their undivided attention.
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3. Watch rakugo in Yoyogi Park
Traditional Japanese comic storytelling. In English. For free. Need I say more to convince you that you ought to get yourself to Yoyogi Park on a Sunday afternoon at least once in your life? As a bonus you might get to see dogs dressed in kimonos, rockabillies jitterbugging to Great Balls Of Fire, and kites strung with carp flags.
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2. Get your tootsies nibbled by “therapy fish”
Weirdest pedicure ever, for the whole family. Stick your toesies into this pool of therapy fish, and they’ll come out all smooth and shiny. Since you’ll be at the Oedo Onsen, you can also hop in and out of mineral baths from all over Japan, do a little blow dart target practice, and get yourself buried in hot sand.
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1. Snap the best profile pic EVER.
Set off a like-fest with your new profile picture from the Trick Art Museum in Odaiba. Insert yourself into forty-five different illusions, from ninja fighting to shark battling to being trapped by Japanese-style ghosts.
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If you really are going to Tokyo (or know someone who is), check out The Tokyo Guide I Wish I’d Had, which has pictures, directions and maps to all the places I take my friends when they come to town!
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. She wishes she could take you around herself, but she’s on deadline for Book #4!
October 5, 2013
Bento Lunchboxes…For Dogs
Where’s m-i-i-i-ine?
You’ve been up since five, crafting the childrens’ Pikachu lunchboxes, but now the little darlings are blessedly off to school and it’s time to start worrying about your Shiba Inu Club meeting today. You just know all the other owners are going to dress their pooches in kimonos and bring along little tupperwares of homemade dog biscuits.
But this time you won’t be caught flat-footed, mistakenly thinking you’d gone rather beyond the call of duty by mixing an egg and last night’s leftover rice into Princess’s ground meat. No, today Princess is going to be the envy of all the other shibas, when you whip out…The Doggy Bento. From the pages of Shiba magazine, incredibly labor-intensive lunchboxing for the canine set!
Which shall it be? Ham and veggie-maki with cherry blossom garnish, dog bone omelet and tastefully cut snap peas?
Or three flavors of chicken balls (carrot, green tea and plain), on a bed of fried rice with a cute little seaweed paw print?
Princess will be one dead dog if she’s caught trading this for Twinkies.
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Photos and recipe idea insanity from Shiba magazine.
October 4, 2013
Japanese Apartment-Sized Party Games
Here in Japan, even if your apartment is as small as a postage stamp, you can still invite your friends over for a rousing game of Twister.
Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.
