Jonelle Patrick's Blog, page 69

Sumo Cats

You know fat cats are hot when they get their own brand of red bean buns.

Why is it that there’s suddenly a craze in Japan for cats that seem to have been snacking on Carb-O-Load Burgers, the Godzilla of pancakes, and deep-fried bacon on a stick? Chubby cats are so trend-matic right now, there’s even a popular childrens’ book starring a character called Fatty Cat.

Spoiler: on the next page, those birds were toast.

If you still doubt, check out the fat cat centerfolds from this month’s Neko Seikatsu (Cat Life) magazine!

You lookin’ at ME?!

Who disturbs my slumber?

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Murder, J-Style!

Naturally I considered all the entertaining possibilities when I was working on the plot for Idolmaker, but I hope I’m not disappointing you too much if I reveal that the murder weapon was NOT A SNAKE. It was something rather unusual, though, and I hope you nip over to the sneak peek and get hooked enough to find out!

Just released yesterday, the third book in my Only In Tokyo mystery series also dishes up…

A deadly earthquake and tsunami…

…a wedding that wasn’t…

…tragically flawed idols…

…media-fanned mourning frenzy…

…and a race to stop a killer before he commits murder in front of thousands of screaming fans.

Part-time English translator Yumi Hata and Tokyo Police Detective Kenji Nakamura team up again, picking up where they left off after Nightshade and Fallen Angel. But you can dive right into this one, even if you haven’t read the others!  Read the first few chapters, or scamper right over to these venerable online booksellers and jump in with both feet!

The Only In Tokyo mystery series is published by Intermix, Penguin’s ebook division, so unfortunately there aren’t any dead tree copies. But you can read it on devices I know you already have (iPhone/Android/smartphone, iPad/other tablet, laptop) with the free Kindle app. Here are the super easy step-by-step instructions with pictures!

Remote Potato Chip Snagger

“Don’t get your hands all dirty with potato chip grease!”

This precision eating aid claims to save users from greasy paws, but I’m convinced it could revolutionize the diet industry. We’ll call it: The Potato Chip Diet! Just TRY to beat your couch potato compadres to the snackies at your next man-cave TV sports-fest  – by the time they’ve two-fisted most of the bag, you’ll still be trying not to crush your first chip as you carefully maneuver it to your mouth…

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

You Go, Gurl!

“Active man has inside herself to be confident, fulfilled, happy and healthy. Active man power! The power to speak your mind, to stand up for yourself!”

This sandalwood X bergamot body mist promises to deliver all the spray-on confidence and assertiveness a he/she could want! Just sayin’.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. She admits that she has mangled Japanese with equivalent hilarity.

Breaded Deep-Fried Bacon On A Stick

So you know how people are always going on about how super healthy Japanese food is, and that’s why nobody is Japan gets heart attacks or is fat, etc. etc. bla bla bla? Well, put this in your pipe and smoke it! Deep. Fried. Bacon. On a stick.

A Japanese friend suggested meeting at a kushiage restaurant, but I totally heard wrong, and thought it would be a kushiYAKI joint. Kushiyaki is skewers of grilled-bits-with-sauce. Kushiage is deep-fried everything on a stick. The difference: a honkin’ big vat of boiling oil.

But by the time menus were passed around and the size of my Japanese fail was revealed, there was no going back. Deep fried sweet potatoes. On a stick. Deep fried quail eggs. On a stick. Deep friend squash, shrimp and fish. On a stick. And yes, deep-fried bacon. Skewered up, dredged in bread crumb goodness and crisped to the max.

Was it good? Yes. Yes, it was. Just kill me now.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Idolmaker , the third in the series, will be published next Tuesday by Penguin/Intermix!

The King Tut of Lunchboxing

I didn’t think making a Japanese bento box could get any MORE labor intensive, but bless my tweezers and nail scissors, yesterday I saw The King Tut Bento. Feast your eyes on that pharaoh-sized nori-maki, plus a pair of hieroglyphic eye-rolls, suitable for sumo wrestler-size appetites! The hand-rolled works of art alone would require me to set my alarm for 4:00 a.m. instead of the usual bento-mania 5:00, but if I were also to craft those perfectly steamed broccoli florets, simmered root vegetables, octopus and soybean salad, sweet chestnuts, kuromame, fishcakes and shrimp with artfully scattered salmon eggs, I think I’d have to fire up the espresso machine and just pull an all-nighter.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Photo from http://ameblo.jp/kururinzushi.

Wack Hats For Cats

More cat hat madness at http://fuwanene.exblog.jp

I just discovered a Japanese website featuring a slightly demonic black cat, who demonstrates just how rewarding cat hat tatting can be. This foxy feline has trained his human servant to turn out ever more seasonal and powerful headgear, so year-round, he can infiltrate the ranks of noble samurai, visiting aliens, innocent bunnies, floral arrangements, o-mikoshi carriers, one-horned, oni demons, watermelons, and Boys’ Day carp flags. Be afraid, humans. Be very afraid.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. She can’t crochet herself, but  highly admires those who can combine yarn molecules to make ice cream sundaes and sea slugs.

Aliens Analyze Japanese Condom Packaging

Nork, Nork, come here! I found a box of earthling foodstuff! See? Universal Translator says it’s a “banana fruit.”

No, Derp, you dope. A Diamond Banana is made of pure carbon.

Can’t eat it?

No, too hard.

Okay, but look here! Perfect souvenirs for Fearless Leader! Indigenous wildlife!

What? How can such big lifeforms fit in such small box?

Maybe they are small variety, to keep as pet! Like pygmy giraffe on Fearless Leader’s “Capture And Bring Back Without Fail” list?

But Universal Translator says horse-creature in box is Size Large and elephant-creature is Size Extra Large.

Maybe these are small now, but will grow big with loving care.

Okay, put them in the basket. What about this other box? Goku-atsu…goku-atsu…universal translator says…Extremely Thick.

Picture is of human fighting fist. Maybe…weapon?

Yes, weapon! Fearless Leader likes weapons. Buy ten, Derp.

What about these?

Kabuto…kabuto…no! Put those back! They are horrible large insects! Horrible large fighting insects! Remember what Fearless Leader said when we brought back those “cockroaches” last time!

But these are “menthol-flavored.” Maybe good for snack?

Not for snack! All-Knowing Wiki says menthol is for smoking.

Smoking? They light insects on fire and inhale them? Disgusting! Barbaric! I think we should tell Fearless Leader to change his mind about colonizing THIS planet…

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Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. She clearly spends too much time hanging out in Japanese drugstores.

Square Eggs

I thought I’d seen it all when I encountered this device for making square eggs. Apparently, all you have to do is squish your perfectly hardboiled egg with the little plunger thingie, and Bob’s your square uncle. But…why?

My guess is it’s the newest weapon in the ever-escalating Bento Lunchbox Wars fought in the trenches of every school cafeteria in Japan! Say you’re a Japanese mom and you just didn’t hear that alarm go off at 5:00 a.m. when it was time to begin crafting the perfect Pikachu lunchbox. It’s so late, you don’t even have time to whip out a cheaterly version with your arsenal of Lunchboxing Power Tools. Your little darling will not be happy if you have to resort to slapping together a PB&J, even if you make it with leftover heart-shaped bread. You’re really up a creek without a paddle, unless you can produce something utterly novel in minutes. Enter…THE SQUARE EGG. Whew. You live to lunchbox another day.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Shocked Socks

Saw these the last time I was in Asakusa. Had to laugh!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. She admits to being easily amused.