Jonelle Patrick's Blog, page 66

Faux White Herons Of Epic Proportions

It’s not every day I nip out to the local shrine for a little photo taking and run into gaggle of women dressed as eight foot tall birds. Japan can be weird, but it’s not usually this weird! They were performing a thousand-year-old dance called Shirasagi no Mai, which means (unsurprisingly), White Heron Dance. It was originally performed over a thousand years ago as an antidote to that internationally pesky medieval disease, the plague, but because it was apparently not the magic bullet people had hoped, it fell into disuse until 1968, when shrine officials resurrected it from images in an old scroll.

If I had a pair of wings like this, my life would be complete.

Not sure how this was supposed to drive out the plague, but hey, who’s to say it doesn’t work? There haven’t been any epidemics in Tokyo since it was brought back in 1968, so…

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Japanese Date Prep Bible…For Men

In Japan, guys can’t just strap on their pelt of chest hair and drag a woman back to their cave. From the pages of Men’s Knuckle magazine: how to get ready for a date in eleven painstaking steps, as recommended by their hostly expert!

1: Take a shower (okay, DUH.)

2: Shave your legs. Yeah, men, we’re talkin’ to YOU. And while you’re at it, de-fur all other visible body parts too.

3: Exfoliate your lips

4: Lotion up your finger webs

5: Peel at least one layer of skin off your feet

6: Manicure your nails, extra points for polish

7: Fumigate those pits

8: Check for belly fat and make farting noises with your armpit. Okay, not really. The Host With The Most recommends using mysterious roller devices to give yourself a relaxing massage.

9: Freshen up your breath with no fewer than five minty products.

10: Any skin not yet pomaded, do it now.

11: Nix the Axe and dab a little Eros Platinum on your pulse points to drive the girls wild.

Now don your pointy shoes, shiny suit and makeup, and get out there and swing the bat!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Dessert Sandwich!

In the land where “anything in a tortilla is a taco” and “anything on a crust is a pizza,” why am I not surprised that there’s a cafe playing fast and loose with the word “tart,” serving up what amounts to a dessert sandwich? Choose between a slab of blueberry cheesecake or a brownie with walnuts (both reclining on a bed of whipped cream and garnished with tan mystery chips) swadged between two slices of bread and grilled in a panini press. Enjoy.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Are Meguro Line Sardines Really More Depressed Than Toyoko Line Sardines?

A puzzler at Den’en-chofu station…

In Japan, sadly, one of the most classic ways to say, “Goodbye, cruel world” is to throw oneself in front of a train. But this not only traumatizes your family and friends, it also shuts down the commute for tens of thousands of people just trying to make a living or get to school. Train companies (and the police and the firemen, who are usually first on the scene to pick up the pieces) understandably want to make it more difficult for people to choose this particular way out, so many stations have been retrofitted with automatic gates that prevent people from being able to fling themselves onto the tracks when a train is arriving.

So…here at Den’en-chofu station, how come the Toyoko Line (on the left) doesn’t have gates, and the Meguro Line (on the right) does? o_O

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Weenie Madness

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“I’m made from a wiener!”

Tweezers ready? Today we’ll learn how to craft labor-intensive lunchtime snacks from that most unlikely of gourmet ingredients, little red hot dogs!

The secret ingredient to these classic octopus-mimicking treats is the ring of fish sausage one must carefully roll onto the wiener to make the little headband:

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This next design is obviously meant to be made from kosher franks, utilizing nail-shunning joinery techniques to fix the airplane wings in place:

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If your child is not the sort to inquire what’s actually IN the hot dog, they might enjoy this insect-shaped lunch bite:

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The Tweezer Masters among us can turn a weenie into a bunny, complete with hammy muffler.

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Sharpen up your nail scissors and sculpt an edamame into a bowl cut for Frank One and Frank Two.

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And if you really want to go whole hog, break out the cheese slices and seaweed to make this masterpiece of tiny swear-worthy pieces. Best to save this one for a time of year when you’re unlikely to sneeze mid-bee.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

‘Scuse Me, But I Gotta Get My Nails Printed

Yep, now you can have your favorite pattern, saying, kanji characters for “world peace” or boyfriend’s face on your digits with this handy dandy Auto Nail nail printer! Just lay down a coat of polish, pick your design, and zip zip, you’re all inkjetted up!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Our Lady Of Gangsta

I’m a little confused by the golden dreidel on the front, but hey, Our Skeletal Lady Of Golden Gangsta is probably A-OK with whatever faith you’re keeping…

If you’re planning to shake down a few grannies or threaten some loan-shirkers with a Louisville Slugger, don’t leave the house without donning your Blood Money brand track suit! Fashioned from pure 100% shiny synthetic fibers printed with righteous gold vinyl designs, you can’t fail to command respect in these chest-baring togs. Zippers and elastic waist design make for easy on and off when it’s time to wash those pesky body fluids out at laundry time.

In case those dopes out on the street are a little unclear on the concept, this track suit of ultimate suaveness spells it out for them: you are one monster-frackin’ hunk of burnin’ hustler.

Confuse your adversaries with a little Engrish to show them you mean business.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. With thanks to Rakuten’s Blood Money website and a tip o’ the beanie to Patrick Macias and his ever-entertaining Japanese Fashion Inferno.

…And A Pitcher O’ Dessert, Please

What the whating what? Is this even a dessert? Cornflakes, whipped cream, fruit cocktail, bananas, ice cream and a choco-sauced brownie, served up in a jumbo crowd-pleasin’ pitcher. Eek doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Glamorous Gum

Hey, check this out – all I have to do to automatically look more glamorous is to chew a piece of this Glamatic gum!

Gum chewing does not make anyone look more glamorous. Trust me on this.

Well this one does. See, it says “Plus Beauty” right here. And why would they put a picture of a Godzilla-sized engagement ring on the package if the product doesn’t deliver some serious bended-knee action?

 Give me that. You moron, all it does is dose you up with vitamin B.

Which proves it! Vitamin B is good for hair, skin and nails. Plus…googling, googling…AHA! Vitamin B also reduces depression, stress and BRAIN SHRINKAGE. Give me my gum back. You might be happy with your pitiful shriveling brain, but I want mine to be big and shiny!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Her brain does look more robust after researching this blog post.

Spooky Sushi

Vampire-maki.

Bwahahaha, you’d better bite this sushi before it bites you! But if you think that’s the scariest food you might encounter this Halloween season, think again…

Arachno-futomaki

The Goth sushi of choice.

Scream Roll.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. Photos from http://ameblo.jp/kururinzushi.