Jonelle Patrick's Blog, page 63

New Year’s Food Scandal!

What’s wrong with this box of traditional new year’s food (besides the fact that two measly boxes of cold appetizers cost $525)? Well, if it came from any one of the swanky department stores that was recently snagged for mislabeling ingredients, those costly “Shiba” prawns might be proletarian shrimp from India, that “Japanese wagyu beef” was recently hoofing around the outback in Australia, and those “homegrown Japanese” veggies might have come from some farmer’s home in China.

Executives hung their heads in shame after being called out by consumers, who have become a lot more beady about where their food comes from since Fukushima Daiichi started spewing radioactive water onto vast swaths of farmland.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Christmas. Wow. Such Pie.

Today I made a very un-Japanese apple pie. Meri Kurisumasu from me to you, on this winter day!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Traditional KFC Christmas Dinner, Now With Seaweed!

Lines stretch around the block at every KFC in Tokyo on Christmas Eve, as household minions are dispatched to pick up the traditional holiday fare, but this year they have a choice between regular and seaweed flavor. Pass the biscuits and tofu, ma!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

 

2013 Sexy Santa Roundup!

Bring on the sequins, lace, and fake fur halter Santas! As long as it’s red and white, anything goes!

Ladies, just because those gold lamé and leopard print Santa costumes are made for men doesn’t mean you can’t play fast and loose with the jolly old elf this Christmas season! The Sexy Santa is a holiday tradition in Japan, and no party would be complete without a few of these beauties in attendance…

Whip Santa gets those reindeer in line with a little fake fur-trimmed shorts action.

Rabbit Santa. Fetching, to be sure. But why.

Holy Rabbit Santa. More why, with whipped cream on top.

And for those forced to participate in the holiday jollies, but who think red and white is not cute enough, the pink and black ruffled Candy Bolero Santa.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

In Case You Were Confused, This Toy Is Not For Girls

Girls Keep Out! Between Pretend You Work As a Burger Flipper to Fun With Laundry And Ironing, you’ve got plenty of playthings to keep you busy. The Drill Set Of Manliness is just for boys! Yes, for less than ¥2000, youthful males can get their dudeitude on with this Super Robot Chogokin toy, complete with two (count ‘em, two) options for maximum drilling pleasure.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

31 Flavors Of…Toothpaste?

Yes, this one tastes like Indian Curry!

Now you can fight cavities and have curry-fresh breath too, with this new line of Breath Palette flavored toothpaste! With thirty-one strange flavors to choose from, your teeth can sparkle with a different one each day for a month.

Get yourself some righteous morning coffee breath with Café au Lait, experience cognitive dissonance brushing with Cola, make every word that falls from your lips smell sweet as a Rose, or give in to the guilty pleasure of brushing with Bitter Chocolate or Caramel!

But that’s only the beginning – other flavors include: Salt, Green Tea, Darjeeling Tea, Lemon Tea, Lavender, Freshness Yogurt, Honey, Banana, Pumpkin, Pineapple, Grapefruit, Kiwi Fruit, several varieties of Apple, Grape, Plum and Peach, Vanilla Flan, Strawberry, and, of course, Peppermint!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

Top Ten Only In Japan Holiday Gifts

10. I bet the person on your list who has everything doesn’t have a THOUSAND DOLLAR RICE COOKER!

It doesn’t slice, dice, or clean up the kitchen for you, but it does feature a cooking liner precision-milled from a single block of steel, for the ultimate in perfect heat distribution! Seen at: Yodabashi Camera, Akihabara

9. Surely you know someone whose garden wouldn’t be complete without a few GNOMES OF VICTORY

Or, if Gnomes of Enlightenement or Rude Gnomes are more your style, they come in red, blue, black and pink, for your garden decorating pleasure. Seen at: Loft, Shibuya

8. Give the gift of facial warmth and animal shenanigans with the BEARFACE MUFFLER

Seen at Ameyokocho market, Ueno.

7. For that perfect head, the SONIC BEER FOAMER

This device jiggles your beer until it’s got the perfect creamy head, just like in a Japanese bar! Seen at Tokyu Hands, Shibuya and Ikebukuro.

6. Who wouldn’t want to fight the cold with these NYANTASTIC CATSPAW GLOVES?

Nyanwear is hot this season in Tokyo! Cat lovers can find these at Marui City, Shibuya and Takashimaya Times Square, Shinjuku

5. Every single girl on your list would be delighted to have a VIRTUAL BOYFRIEND to keep her warm at night and whisper sweet nothings in her ear!

Full-size body pillow printed with boyfriends to match her every whim, each pillow comes with a CD of sweet nothings, to lull you to sleep! Available via White Rabbit Express.

4. Opulence, thy name is LUXURY POTATO HOLDER

Pimp your ride in host club style! This is just one of the rhinestone-encrusted luxe accessories at the D.A.D. store in Men’s 109, Shibuya!

3. For the hardcore Pokemon fan, the PIKACHU PANCAKE SET lets you have your pocket monsters and eat them too…

In the case of these Pikachu pancakes, you have to eat the head first. Comes with pancake form and stencil to make the face from cocoa or powdered sugar. Seen at the Pokemon Center in Yokohama.

2. The traveler on your list will be able to brave the wide world of barbarian toilets armed with the squeamishness-banishing PORTA-BIDET

Screw this water wand onto a pet bottle and put a stream of water where it counts. Seen at BIC Camera, Shinjuku

1. And for those with more liquor bottles than taste, this BOTTLE HOLDER will certainly have pride of place right beneath the black velvet painting of Elvis…

Forget the shots, this Chihuahua is going for the chug. Seen at (where else?) Don Kihote, Ikebukuro.

And if there’s anyone on your list who likes international mysteries, join Tokyo Metropolitan Police Detective Kenji Nakamura and his childhood friend Yumi Hata as they hunt down criminals from host clubs to maid cafes in Nightshade, Fallen Angel and Idolmaker!

Published by Penguin/Intermix

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. If you actually want to buy any of these items, White Rabbit Express will buy and ship anything you want from Japan for a very reasonable price!

Make Your Own Scary Facial Mask!

Yikes, what is that creepy green Play Doh on that model’s face? Apparently, it’s FRUIT. If you’re all out of cobra venom, snail slime, or bee larvae facial treatments, the FuFuFu Facial Pack Maker helps you craft your own from the leftover produce in your fridge!

Just blend, bake and slap this bad boy on your face for the ultimate in DIY beautification!

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

More Acts Of Santa Blasphemy

Yes, when it comes to taking license with the jolly old elf, nobody can beat Tokyu Hands!

For all your crossdressing Santa needs

Someone must have pointed out that last year’s Black Santa Manteau wasn’t especially traditional, so they decided to offer a red version this year.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.

At The Ise Shrine, Everything New Is Old

Hey, don’t we already have one of these?

The god of rice’s building at the Ise Shrine sits next to a vacant lot. Or, actually, a construction site. Because every twenty years, a replica of the rice god’s shrine is lovingly built right next door. In the twentieth year, the god of rice is moved from the old shrine to the new, and the old shrine is dismantled. Then the construction starts again.

But why? I was really curious about this, so I went on a bus tour with two Japanese friends to find out!

So, the first reason is practical: if you only rebuild the rice god’s house every few centuries (after it burns down, as they inevitably do), there might not be anyone alive who knows how to build it. If you rebuild it every twenty years, you not only have a perfect example of how it’s supposed to look, the guys who built the last one can train the ones who are building the current one.

Make the next one just like this! (This is just a storehouse, not a shrine, but the shrine buildings are built in this same style).

But there’s another reason too. You’re probably wondering why it takes twenty years to build a plain wooden shrine, even if the roof beams are hand-notched and the roof hand-thatched. It’s because every step is accompanied by a ceremony that has been performed in exactly the same way since the year 690 CE. One year might be the ceremony for raising the roof beams, another might be the year for making new offering dishes. And everything is done exactly the way it was done in 690, right down to the way the fire is kindled for the kiln! No matches, lighter fluid or flamethrowers allowed!

Another amazing thing is that the rice god isn’t the only one who gets a new house every twenty years – every sacred building is rebuilt and torn apart in the same way, right up to and including the Grand Shrine, dedicated to Japan’s ur-goddess, Amaterasu.

Kind of challenges what’s meant by “antiquity,” doesn’t it? The exact same buildings have stood on that ground for 1323 years. The materials might be new, but everything else about them is preserved better than in any museum. I found myself thinking of Richard Dawkins’ idea about the River Of Genes: how genes are combined and recombined in every generation, “flowing” from one body to the next, throughout time. The bodies are new, but the genes are old. When you think of it that way, the Ise Shrine is sort of like a cultural River Of Genes, isn’t it?

The entrance to the Grand Shrine. You aren’t allowed to take pictures beyond that big torii gate, but there’s not much to see anyway. Just a sort of wooden booth, an offering box, and a long wooden fence enclosing the parts too sacred for anybody but priests (and VIPS).

Crossing the bridge to the Grand Shrine at pilgrim rush hour.

This Ise Shrine’s distinctive rice straw charm (shimenawa) hangs over a business on the nearby shopping street.

Locally brewed barrels of sake sit outside this liquor store, waiting for their accompanying rice straw balls to turn color and tell when it’s ready to drink.

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix.