Dave Barry's Blog, page 184

'SMART' PHONES

iPhones, Apple Watches calling 911 from rollercoasters takes dispatchers on wild ride

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

MUST HAVE BEEN IMPORTANT

A woman got upset for some reason while at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru and decided to get out of her car to argue with the hardworking staff who were serving her. She ended up losing the argument when her car started rolling away. She chased after it without catching the car as it rolled through the parking lot, over a tree, and down an embankment, where it disappeared from view.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Instant carma.")

UPDATE

The story about long-lived men with high sex drives reminds me of an old story...

A man went to the doctor for an exam. After he came out of the office, the doctor called his wife in to talk. He told her, "Your husband is seriously ill. To keep him alive, you need to do everything he likes. You need to cook his favorite meals, clean up after him, and have sex whenever he wants. If you don't do all these things, he is going to die."

On the drive home, the husband turned to his wife and said, "Well, what did the doctor say?"

She replied, "He said you're going to die."

-- David Snoke

Har! There's also a version of this joke involving two golfers, one of whom, while urinating, gets bitten by a snake in a sensitive location.

DO NOT TRY THIS SOBER

Video Shows Drunk Man Falling From the 19th Floor, Stands Unfazed and Sings All the Way to the Hospital

(Thanks to Rick Day)

ALWAYS LOOK BEFORE YOU DRIVE

Florida man finds 7-foot gator under his pickup truck

(Thanks to John Lobert, who notes that "the gator had a valid Florida driver���s license.") 

CANADA: A NATION COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL

Pig runs next to highway after being freed from pen by a bear

(Thanks to John Lobert)

B.C. bear breaks into car to drink nearly six cases of pop

(Thanks to The Perts)

'NERF-STYLE?'

East Liberty man used Nerf-style gun in 2 Shadyside bank robberies, police say

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

ESPECIALLY ON THE ROADS OF FLORIDA

Wildlife officials warn about drunk birds

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Men with a high sex drive live longer than their peers, a study suggests.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Al Barkafski and Michael Parry)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE SO-CALLED 'BILL OF RIGHTS'

He applied to be an assassin at RentAHitman.com, then got arrested, FBI says

(Thanks to Alkali Bill of Rights)