Polly Campbell's Blog, page 26

Building Awareness Despite Demands of Daily Life

When my daughter told me Saturday that she was going to raise millipedes I had a ton of thoughts race through my head. None of them started with “yea millipedes!.”

But, unlike other times when I react with emotion-by-default instead of awareness, I didn’t flip out. Didn’t roll my eyes. Didn’t say anything. I nodded a bit like a bobble head, took a deep breath and consciously acted deliberately with curiosity and wonder and kindness. I didn’t jump on the millipede bandwagon, nor did I flash to worry that I would be overrun with millipedes. I simply paid attention.

When we act with awareness, when we take a second to first connect with our core self before reacting to external circumstance, not only do we feel better but we also connect more deeply with others. We listen to each other better. We don’t fly off the handle, or overreact. Instead we become present and accepting.

Whether you are dealing with an unexpected insurgence of millipedes or bigger life stresses (if that’s even possible) like car-repair bills and health concerns and irrational  bosses, turning inward to reconnect with your core self before reacting to the outer experience can help.

Not always easy to do. Right? When my husband washes four loads of clothes but “forgets” to fold a single shirt, when my Internet bill has arrived but the check hasn’t, when my arthritis flairs and I’m not sure how I’ll haul my backside to the bus stop, I feel the external stresses starting to seep in.

Thing is, it doesn’t help. When I become reactive, I have more stress, more anxiety, more pain. When I connect to my inner essence – the place within us all that is love and light and peace and compassion – I just feel better and then I do better and pretty soon those stressful moments of life, like millipede habitats, aren’t a big deal.

So how do we do this? How to we stay aware, clear, and connected to our core self, our inner landscape, even while the outer view is getting rained on?

Three tips for staying connected to your essence:

1. Get quiet. Carve out time for a little silence. Sometimes my quiet time has come in the bathroom (not kidding) or the shower. Other times I take a time out when stress flairs. Often I schedule it in – 20 minutes of solitude and silence after dinner, perhaps. Try it. Take a minute or 20 or 120. Just do it. Quiet helps us disengage from the background noise so that we can better hear our inner peaceful voices.

2. Trust that inner voice. And, while you’re at it, pay attention to those voices. Observe your thoughts and feelings notice the sensations in your body. Those inner voices and feelings offer important insights that will help you move a little easier through the external world. Usually, those inner insights come loaded with peace and love and compassion so you feel better too.

3. Practice noticing. The best way to practice awareness is to get in the habit of noticing your life when things feel good and easy. Throughout the day, build in moments of awareness. Pause for a minute or five and tune into all your senses. Become aware of your thoughts and emotions, your environment, any sights and sounds. Look for the unfamiliar in the familiar and the mysteries in nature.  Explore with a sense of curiosity and wonder. When you practice becoming present and aware when times are good, it’s easier to draw on the practice when you are feeling the stress.

When we use these tips to align closely with our core self, all the other stuff gets easier and more interesting. Yes, even millipedes. With the tips above and a little conscious effort, you will become more present, more connected, more peaceful. Then you will begin participating in your experience rather than simply reacting to it.

 

 

Image by Stock.xchng

Diffusing Drama with Higher Energy

What if we are here, not to learn, but, to remember who we are?

That was the question asked by Sr. Jenna, during the  America Meditating Retreat I attended at Peace Village in the Catskill Mountains of New York a couple of weeks ago.

And it resonated with me immediately. We know who we are. Higher consciousness, love, light, creative spirit. That is our essence. Sometimes though we need to go within to remember it.

When we remember our divine nature, it’s pretty tough to be upset over the woman who talks too loud on her cell phone in the restaurant or the guy who forgets the door, right? You may not even notice those annoyances because from higher energy we are focused on better-feeling things.

When we remember and reconnect to our essence, life here become just a little easier. Our energy is so high we aren’t troubled by the lower frequency traffic jams, or missed deadlines, or rainy soccer afternoons or people who pull into the parking spot we were waiting for.

We can notice, sure. We can wonder and get curious. We can even respond. But, when we remember our essence, we respond with greater tolerance, love, and kindness, and clarity, because that is who we are within.

If you squeeze a lime, you don’t get tomato sauce, you get lime juice because that’s all  it has inside.

When you are connected to your core self even when the pressures of life squeeze the daylights out of you then what leaks out is love, and tolerance and compassion – because that’s all that you have inside.

Drama Dissipates

The expression of all that goodness eases the drama swirling around us. If we even notice it to begin with, we no longer take it personally. When someone cuts us off, or the kid tracks mud through the house or the friend forgets to call we send love and peace instead of frustration and anger because we know that they are higher energy too. It is within them.  And when we send loving energy, perhaps it will also help them remember who they are. Perfectly imperfect.

When we rise up and meet anger with anger tension increases. We fight and argue and hurt. In the end, this doesn’t contribute anything but more hostility. And it certainly doesn’t feel good because we are out of alignment with self. But when someone is coming at you with anger or hostility or impatience and you show up from your core self with clarity, compassion, patience and love you can feel the fight go out of them.

When we meet hostility with awareness and understanding and peace, we can diffuse even the most difficult situations just by showing up and being ourselves, fully.

By remembering who you are — love and peace and higher consciousness — and expressing all of who you are you will not only have a better day, but you will light up the world.

 

 

Image by Erin Cairney White

Erin Cairney White uses mixed media – acrylic paints, gelatos and a variety of papers, inks and stamps to create her work from her Snohomish, Washington studio. She is a wife and mother of four who also teaches art classes and works with educators in the Snohomish School District to support special needs students.  Her original artwork is available through the little details company.

 

Making Space for Silence

Last week I attended a meditation retreat at Peace Village Learning and Retreat Center in the Catskill Mountains of Southeastern New York.

And I fell in love with silence all over again.

The value of deliberate quiet cannot be underestimated. It is a way to access our essence, to connect with self, and become aware of thought patterns and beliefs that are catching us up. But, in a very real way, silence also helps you connect to the essence of others. We had many meditative moments throughout the three days I was there and one two hour period of silence during Thursday afternoon.

During that longer stretch we were still in community. I washed dishes with one team and communicated openly with expression about the chores that needed to be done. We looked into each others eyes to understand. We really saw each other.  We had no problem working together in the quiet. We had no problem connecting.

Gratitude Emerges in Silence

Even while alone in my room or while walking on the grounds, I kept quiet to myself. I didn’t use e-mail. I kept my cell phone and iPod off. Yet I was alive and engaged. My awareness was heightened and I felt like the silence led me to savor the experience I was having on a deep level. Out of the silence came deep appreciation and gratitude and peace.

You all know I’m a big fan of quiet moments and solitude. It is a way to go deeper, to know yourself better and connect to your spirit. But silence is also a practical way to move through the world. With silence comes creativity, productivity and calm – all things we need to manage the daily routine. It also leads to great awareness, which will help you align with your highest self and live more authentically. From that position, anything is possible.

Here are three ways to bring silence into a busy life.

1. Set the timer. At Peace Village, where the retreat coordinated by America Meditating was held, there is a practice called Traffic Control. Each hour, on the hour, music is played for one minute. During that time, everything stops. You don’t speak. If you are in the middle of the conversation, it stops for that minute. Eating dinner? You put down the fork. You stop and become present. That minute of reflection throughout the day made space for higher awareness and calm. It took me out of some of the verbal noise I was contributing and some of the unconscious thought patterns and connected me with my core. I became conscious. At first the practice felt awkward and I had to remember to stop and become present. By the end of the week, I loved it. So often our struggles are a result of unconscious thoughts and reactions, Traffic Control – a deliberate shift into non-speaking and non-doing — is the antidote. I’m working to maintain the practice at home. And here, I find it cuts the drama and raises your energy so you can stay in alignment with self.

2. Set aside time every day to turn off all technology. No music, phone computer, television. Go outside and work in the garden or mindfully wash the dishes, go for a run without ear phones. Observe your thoughts, you’ll be surprised by the clarity you gain and your focus will improve too.

3. Start and end each day in silence. Meditation is an awesome way of doing this, but if that word scares you too much, get up five minutes earlier and go to a quiet corner of the house and just sit  in the stillness for five minutes. Or do a silent gratitude practice. Create a period of silence again before bed. Notice the thoughts that show up, but don’t judge them. You may want to use the time to pose a question to self: how can I celebrate the moments of my life? What can I contribute today? Or simply just observe your wandering thoughts. Notice them. These moments are restorative.

Our ruminating thoughts wear us out, contribute to our worries and keep us stuck in limiting thoughts patterns. By creating pockets of silence throughout your day you end that cycle and move into greater peace and awareness.

Am I doing this right? Am I meditating?

Yo, I’m actually on a meditation retreat this week so thought I’d re-post this oldie, but goodie. It is still one of the most popular Imperfect Spirituality posts of all time.  I think it’s because it shows that meditation doesn’t have to be stressful and hard. We can carve out a moment of quiet, notice our thoughts or our breathing, and simply open to the stillness. That’s how it works for me, anyhow. So take this crash course in meditation and give it a go. 

 

My husband, Mr. J, and I meditated together last night. He started snoring five minutes in. It was his first time. Meditating. He’s a regular when it comes to snoring. I’ve been meditating for years now. Sometimes daily, sometimes sporadically. Sometimes not at all. I go in stages. Mr. J wants to learn to meditate because he believes it will help him become more aware, more engaged in his life. He’s asked me, (and I’m sure, in all my lap-dog exuberance that I’ll make him regret it) to help him learn how.

I’m giddy with excitement that he even said the word “meditation” out loud. This is not something that fits easily into his science-minded brain. Over the years I’ve thrown endless studies (and a few socks I’ve found on the floor) at him. Each study emphasizes the scientifically proven benefits of meditation: how it buffers the immune system, eases stress, fosters longevity, enhances creativity, health, well-being.

Meditation is a proven way to help us cope with the crap in our lives. But, it seems so heavy, this meditation thing. And time consuming, Right? I do fantasize about meditating like a Monk alone on a mountain top – heck, I fantasize about being alone, period – but, I’m not a monk. I’m a macaroni-making Mom and I don’t have hours to meditate. Besides, I’m pretty sure if I sat that long, cross-legged on the floor, they’d need traction to get me walking again. Thing is, you don’t have to sit for hours to meditate. You can meditate in minutes. In a chair.  Here’s the short course:

Sit still.


Be quiet.


Sit still longer.

When, you’re ready you can go deeper.  You can study different techniques and styles, mantras, and sound meditation. Whatever. It’s all good. But you can meditate right now, without any rules or training. Really. Here are some more specifics:

Get comfortable. Sit on a chair, lay down, if you feel like it. I like to sit on a firm, but comfortable surface, with shoes off, feet on the floor, back straight so I can easily and comfortably take deep breaths and stay alert.
Close your eyes. Some do meditate with their eyes open or while looking at a picture of Buddha, or some other image.  In the beginning, though, I think it works better to close your eyes and focus on the space there behind your eyelids.
Breathe deep from your diaphragm. I was so obsessed with breathing “right” that I usually hyperventilated. Let’s just say, that just isn’t necessary. Instead, take slow breaths. Feel your stomach moving in and out. These breaths are cleansing, rhythmic and the also heighten your state by infusing your cells with oxygen.
Focus on something. Many people focus on their breath. Deepak Chopra talks about the “I Am” meditation, a simple repetition and focus on those words as you’re breathing in and out. Wayne Dyer follows the Lord’s Prayer in one of his meditations and guides you to focus on the spaces the “gap” between the words of the prayer.The minute you begin meditating you’re thoughts will begin jerking you in all directions as though you’re holding the leashes of a dozen dogs all headed in different directions. Focus brings you back.
Notice your thoughts. When you catch a renegade thought coming through, and they will roughly a billion times a session, bless it and imagine your breath blowing it gently out of your head, clearing your mind. Then return to your focus. Don’t judge, pound, exclaim or stop meditating to write a note on your To Do list. Don’t beat yourself up for not doing it right. Just observe your thoughts and let them go. Do it over, and over, and over.
Don’t limit your time. Just sit quietly until you feel like not sitting quietly. If you come out of your meditation and see that you sat for five minutes. Good. If it’s been 20. Fine. Often, I’ll spend five minutes finding my quiet and settling in. Now, I can comfortably meditate for 20 minutes or a half hour, without even realizing time has passed. Some days though, when I don’t feel like meditating or I’m really pressed for time, or my daughter is throwing a fit right outside the door, I’ll just sit in silence for a few minutes. There is benefit in that. Do what you can do. Do what you want to do.

In the beginning – and by beginning I mean months, a year even – my mind was more like a pinball machine with thoughts ricocheting around. Stresses flared, uncertainty arose and inevitably so did the questions “Am I doing it right? Is this meditating? What was he thinking?”

If you’ve felt yourself bombarded by any of these thoughts, well then Congratulations! You are meditating. If you’ve ever felt calm and collected just until you take that first deep breath, Yippee! You’re doing it right. If, you’ve ever sought the peace of meditation and caught yourself thinking about your newest hair style, then you are right on track. If you started snoring. It’s O.K. You’ll get a do over tomorrow.

Stop Stressing Now

We’ve all felt the debilitating effects of stress. It can slow us down, make us moody and upset, batter our hearts and immune systems so we get sick more often, and run roughshod over our productivity.

But, stress can also be good for us. When managed the right way, it is motivating. It can fire up our passions, change the way we think about things and make us feel alive.

Now research indicates that how we interpret our bodies’ stress signals impacts in large part how well perform under stress. If we see stress as something that enhances our experiences, then we actually perform better.

Remember that mind/body connection is a strong one. How you think will change the way you feel.

Here are three other ways to quickly manage stress so that you can get back to work.

1.  Breathe deep. This is easy peasy, yet I overlooked it for a long time. Take deep breaths from your diaphragm. Slowly inhale to the count of five or ten. Feel the air filling your lungs and chest, expanding your belly and then slowly exhale through your mouth for another 10 count. Do this at least three times and you’ll gain greater peace, clarity, and perspective all of which will make the next moment more productive and less stressful.

2. Get out of dodge. Sometimes the best way out of stress is to get out of the situation. Take a break. Take a time out. Leave the room. Heck, leave the city. A vacation – one without a lot of planned activities – can reduce our chances at burnout. But you can’t always flee the country to feel better, so even a quick walk around the office or neighborhood, or  10-minutes of alone time can make a big difference.

 3. Daydream. Yep. Seems counter-productive, I know, but daydreaming and other practices like creative visualization can take us out of the stressful moment and help us fantasize about a more productive, better-feeling future. It’s a reprieve from the negative stress-filled messages that often infiltrate our brain. Take a breath, take a break and let your mind wander and you’ll feel restored.

Stress often comes up when we feel incapable or as though we have too much to accomplish in the time we have. By taking a minute to disengage from the stressful moments, we can change how we handle it the rest of the day.

 

Artist Erin Cairney White uses mixed media – acrylic paints, gelatos and a variety of papers, inks and stamps to create her work from her Snohomish, Washington studio. She is a wife and mother of four who also teaches art classes and works with educators in the Snohomish School District to support special needs students.  Her original artwork is available through the little details company.

 

Three Quick and Easy Ways to Stop Stressing

I’ve got a long to-do list this week. Blog posts and writing assignments. Kids’ soccer practices, birthday-presents to buy, meals to make, bills to pay and of course the most important of all, watching the DVR’d  episode of The Good Wife – among a billion other things. How will I get it all done before I hop on a plane for a week-long business trip, Sunday? Who knows.

But, one thing is sure, I won’t be stressing about it – at least not much. I don’t want to be slowed by the stress, nor do I want to feel fretful all week long. Stress is an energy drain and I need all the good energy I can get, so I’m putting some of my best stress relievers and peace boosters into effect right now.

I’ve tried these tips before and I know they work. When it all feels like too much they help in a hurry.

One of my favorites is of course, meditation. It’s awesome for relieving stress and comes loaded with other perks like pain relief and enhanced creativity. Plus you get to be alone for a few minutes.

But, I get that it takes time and practice to trust in the meditation process. Do it and meditation can help when you are feeling under fire. But for now, in the short run, try one of these other stress-busters.

1. Jam the music. Music not only changes how you feel, it can also be soothing – assuming of course that you are not listening to metal.

Research has also shown that music can help regulate some functions of our heart and nervous systems and trigger a biochemical reaction that can help manage our stress. Exercise is another stress-relieving aid and dancing is a great form of exercise. So rock on and feel better fast.

2.  Go green – or blue. Colors can fire up our mood or calm us down. Green and blue colors tend to have a calming effect and pink isn’t so bad either. When you are feeling the stress, surround yourself with soothing colors. It’s even worth a trip outside to look at the trees and green grass. Green naturescapes have also been shown to promote peaceful feelings.

3. Change your beliefs about stress. In a growing body of research, scientists are finding that our thoughts about stress influence how it affects us. We tend to see stress as terrible and debilitating when it can also adaptive and motivating. Stress can heighten our awareness, help us focus, and remind us that we are alive and engaged in something meaningful. By reinterpreting our bodies stress reaction as something that is helpful – we actually perform better.

Remember how you think will alter how you feel and how you feel can influence how you think – the mind/body relationship is a tight one – so choose thoughts and behaviors that will help you handle stress successfully and you will feel better.

 

In Wednesday’s post I’ll offer three other stress-relieving tips for you to try.

 

 

Image from Stock.xchng

Life Coach Amy Pearson Talks Approval Addiction in Q&A

Life coach, writer, speaker and former approval addict Amy Pearson said it was after the death of her mother and birth of her twins that she realized “I hated my life.”

“I realized that I had been obsessed with getting approval and avoiding rejection my entire life,” Pearson says. That realization led to her work as a life coach who now helps others recover from this intense need for approval so that they can live a happier, more authentic life. 

Pearson, now a master certified Martha Beck life coach talks about her journey and the ins and outs of the approval addiction that so many deal with in this special Q&A with Imperfect Spirituality. Comments have been edited for space.

IS: What is an approval addict?

AP: Approval addiction is the intense desire to obtain approval or avoid rejection from other people. The desire to get approval and /or avoid rejection results in certain kinds of behaviors that become habitual.

“Approval” could be anything from a simple smile or positive feedback it could be a  job promotion, or even a marriage proposal! “Rejection” runs the gamut too. It could be criticism, a funny look, the silent treatment, or even physical violence.

IS: Is approval addiction the same as being a people pleaser?

AP: …Underneath all of these behaviors is the root problem: We don’t feel safe being ourselves. Not feeling safe being Who You Really Are is at the core of approval addiction

People pleasing is one kind of behavior that manifests as a result of being addicted to approval. But there are others. Some people seek approval by constantly trying to please others. Some call that People Pleasing. In my work, I call these kind of people “helpers.” Others, like me, try to get approval by seeking out achievement and being the best at everything. I call these kind of people “performers.” Other kinds of approval addicts focus more on trying to win people over by blending in. These are the “chameleons.” Others would rather just not be seen at all as to avoid any kind of rejection. These are the “scaredy cats.”

IS: How does it show up in our lives? 

AP: Approval addicts try to control how others see them by changing the way they appear to the outside world. What happens is we internalize the idea that parts of ourselves are not okay and so we hide them. For example I always struggled with math. But I thought I needed to be “smart” to get approval. So I spent a lot of time as an adult hiding this part of me and overcompensating by trying to improve my math. When we hide the parts of ourselves we create what I call an “approval seeking facade” and ultimately, like I did, a life that doesn’t fit us at all just to fit in.

IS: What behaviors do we exhibit when we are seeking approval?

AP: It manifests differently depending on the person,  but here are some common things I see approval addict do:

•Rehearse what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it before going into situations… even ones as simple as talking to your spouse

•Mentally go over the things you said and did after a social function, finding all kinds of ways you could have done it or said it differently

•Apologize when your house is dirty

•Change the things you do and say depending on who you’re with

•Keep your opinions to yourself when they’re not the same as the opinions of other people

•Avoid asking for help because you worry you’ll put someone out

•Assume you know what people are thinking about you

•Work yourself to the bone trying to make sure everyone is happy

•Think your success and/or happiness depends on the opinions of other people

•Believe taking time for yourself is frivolous

IS: Why is this a problem?

AP: Wanting approval is normal. In fact if you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs, wanting to feel safe and needing to belong are fundamental human drives. The core problem is when we disconnect from Who We Really Are to get approval or avoid rejection we settle for a “false sense of belonging” and because of it, we don’t ever feel truly safe. The only way to experience true belonging is to let people see the real you.

IS: What are three things we can do today, to help ease our need for approval?

AP:

1. Take the approval quiz (http://www.approvalquiz.com) to find out your approval seeking personality type. This will help you gain awareness of how approval addiction is showing up for you in your life.

2. Be willing to be curious about it instead of judging yourself. Think of yourself as a scientist. Think of all you are learning about yourself as “data.” Try to stay curious like a scientist about the data.

3. Know that awareness is always the first step to change. Without awarenesss approval addiction is running YOU. With awareness you can do something to change the patterns that aren’t working for you.

These all come from Step One of the TRUTH Process, a five step blueprint from my program “How to Overcome Your Inner Approval Addict,” I created to help people overcome their inner approval addict so they can learn Who They Really Are, achieve true belonging instead of “setting” for a false sense of belonging and live life from a place of integrity.

 

 

Amy Pearson of LiveBrazen.com is a master certified Martha Beck life coach, a coach mentor, and instructor for Martha Beck’s life coaching. She’s a teacher, coach, writer and speaker. A former approval addict (with the occasional relapse), she is now addicted to success. Her mission is nothing short of world peace by empowering every change maker to magnify their tribe, make great money and an epic impact while doing their unique thing in the world. Learn more at www.livebrazen.com

 

Break Free from the Trap of Approval Addiction

Last week a Facebook post I wrote received 62 “likes.”

I felt good about it. Then, I felt weird about it. What is this need I have for people to “like” my posts. Am I a people pleaser? Worse yet, has it morphed into something stronger and more limited like an approval addiction?

What is Approval Addiction?

“Approval addiction,” says Amy Pearson, a master certified Martha Beck life coach, “is the intense desire to obtain approval and avoid rejection.”

Psychotherapist Jeffrey Sumber describes it this way: When how we feel about ourselves depends on how others react to us, we are dealing with an unhealthy need for approval.

That intense desire for outside approval then shows up through a variety of different behaviors patterns, Pearson says. One person may strive for perfection, driven to be the best at all things, while others might do anything to avoid rejection, or make others happy.

Bottom line though, is that none of these people feel safe being themselves, Pearson says.

Self-Worth by Doing, Not Being

“Approval addicts try to control how others see them by changing the way they appear to the outside world,” Pearson says.

Their self-worth is dependent on how much they help, or show up, or perform — not who they are.

Belonging is one of our basic needs and part of our evolutionary wiring. Those who cooperated with others in the ancient clans tended to survive longer in harsh conditions. And, wanting to help others and cooperate is a good thing – when we are clear and honest about our motivation.

“When we help as a way to get approval, we are doing it for US not THEM, Pearson says.

When we give as a way of gaining approval, or when we hide our real opinions, or abilities, talents or flaws out of fear of rejection or not fitting in we are not sharing our authentic nature. And, we are suppressing aspects of ourselves that could really help or connect with others, Pearson says.

Bust Out of the Approval Cycle

The way out of this cycle toward a more authentic  and less stressful life is to become self-aware. Examine your feelings and behavior motivations. Are they coming from a place of integrity and desire? Or are they coming from a place of fear? Are you doing things to sincerely serve others or are you doing them as a way to feel better about yourself?

Once you identify how the approval cycle shows up for you, you can begin to change the pattern.

Go within and offer yourself self-compassion and support, Sumber says. Then get to the root of your feelings. If you are feeling insecure or less-than and you are seeking external validation to help you feel better, stop.

Take a breath. Get quiet and consider where the root of that rejection or insecurity started. Was it something your mom or a teacher said a long time ago? Is there a truth behind it or is it based on a faulty belief.

So often we judge ourselves based on false beliefs. As Byron Katie says in The Work ask yourself if your thoughts are true. Then pursue that inquiry with: “Can you absolutely know that it’s true?”

Probably not. And after recognizing that you can develop a new belief pattern, one that allows you to be whole and authentic and fulfilled because of who you are not because of what you do or accomplish.

In Wednesday’s post, we’ll go deeper into approval addiction and offer up some additional ways to cope with the pattern in a special Q&A from Amy Pearson.

 

How to Overcome the Negative Inner Voice

No matter what you are doing, your inner voices are going to have something to say about it. Sometimes they are helpful, reminding us to defrost the chicken and get gas in the car. Other times, they are even encouraging. “You got this,”  they’ll say before the big presentation. “You know what you are talking about.”

When that inner chatter is positive, studies show it actually boosts are performance. But what about when it’s not? What about when it’s snarky or demeaning or downright rude? Then, our inner voices can keep us from being our best and make us feel bad about ourselves to boot.

So how do we keep that negative self-talk at bay and replace it with the self-talk that can help us succeed?

First, notice what those inner voices are saying. We’ve all got’em, but pay attention to what yours sound like. Then, interrupt the inner talk that is anything less than helpful and replace it with something better.

Here are some ways to do it:

1. Keep it constructive. Arm your inner voice with encouraging and helpful phrases and ideas that fire up your abilities by remembering other times you’ve been successful. Rather than listening to repetitive self-talk that says, “I’m not sure I’m ready for this” choose more constructive language like “You are capable and now is your time to do this.”

I often say to myself, “OK, I can figure this out, I’ve got this” especially, when I’m feeling self-doubt. Simply by hearing those words I’m reminded that I can learn what I need to know to handle the situation and the phrase makes me feel a whole lot better.

2. Choose the words you use. Phrases like “I don’t” have a much different impact on your self-control and your decision-making than phrases such as “I can’t.”  I don’t is empowering. I can’t, feels constrictive and  limiting. The words we choose determine how we feel and act. Using negative or hostile words and phrases such as “I’ve got to deal with this mess” or “I need to attack this project on my desk” tend to put you in an adversarial or defensive mindset. That can make it tough to access the best of your abilities. “I got this” or “I’m going to focus and work through this” will help you perform better.

3. Keep it encouraging. Use your self-talk to fire you up, get you excited. So many times, when I’m sitting alone struggling and miserable over a piece of writing I’ll say to myself “isn’t it awesome that I get to do the work I’ve always wanted to do?” The sentence reminds me that I made this choice and even when it’s hard  I’m still choosing to do it.

Other encouraging phrases: “I’ve done this before, I can do it again.”

“Do your best and have fun.”

“This is your moment.”

 4. Use it for focus. Use your inner voices to keep you on track and help you focus on the mechanics of the performance.

“Just take one item at a time.”

“Pay attention  to what you are doing.”

“Just put the ball in play.”

“Go through your process.”

Or, “Win the Day” as Philedelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly is fond of saying.

Encouraging self-talk can help us perform our best. So, replace the discouraging voices with something better. After all you get to write the script.

Positive Self-Talk Can Improve Performance

Chances are your inner voices are talking to you right now. Reminding you to pick up the dry cleaning and feed the cat, to finish the deadline and pay the bills. But, if you’ve just had a fight with your spouse or you are under pressure at work, your self-talk might be saying something different, something a little more negative or even downright rude.

It’s not a problem to have our inner voices chiming in throughout the day. Positive self-talk can be helpful and healthy. But, we do need to pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves.

What are the Inner Voices Saying?

Inner voices that are loaded with irrational beliefs or derogatory comments can keep us from doing our best. They also contribute to rising stress levels, a lack of concentration and even plummeting self-confidence.

The good stuff, on the other hand, self-talk with thoughts expressed in a reassuring and confident way, can give us a boost. It offers reminders — keep your arm straight, or talk slow — that can aid our performance. Its encouraging voices — you’ve got this, just have fun, you are going to do great — also infuse our bodies with positive feelings and attitudes that help us overcome our nerves to excel.

Top Performance Aid

Positive self-talk proved to be the top performance-enhancing strategy, according to researcher Randall Masciana, who evaluated a variety of techniques including visualization. Other research with Olympic athletes showed that those who performed best, had the most positive self-talk despite obstacles and intense external pressure.

When researchers studied corporate managers they discovered self-talk had a powerful role in business as well. Those that had more positive or constructive self-talk were more effective leaders.

So what are you saying to yourself? If it’s not encouraging, uplifting, motivating it’s bringing you down. Time to make a self-talk switcheroo. In Wednesday’s post, I’ll tell you how to do it.

For now, simply pay attention to those inner voices. If they are sassy or rude, demeaning or condescending, change the subject and the language. You don’t need that.

Talk to yourself as you would a friend and you’ll begin to feel and perform better.

 

In another note: A couple of weeks ago I noticed some vibrant images in a Facebook post and I tracked down the artist Erin Cairney White. Her images are so hopeful and inspiring that I asked if I could feature them, from time to time, here, on Imperfect Spirituality. She agreed and today I am excited to feature Erin’s work here for the first time.

Erin Cairney White uses mixed media – acrylic paints, gelatos and a variety of papers, inks and stamps to create her work from her Snohomish, Washington studio. She is a wife and mother of four who also teaches art classes and works with educators in the Snohomish School District to support special needs students.  Her original artwork is available through the little details company.