Layce Gardner's Blog, page 14

Candy Crush

My name is Layce Gardner and I’m an addict. I kicked the evils of alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes years ago, but have fallen victim to my latest addiction – Candy Crush. I knew the moment I downloaded the game to my kindle that I was going to have a problem. It was so fun! So addictive! If I could just complete one more level!

Saxon asked me what I was doing.

“Playing Candy Crush,” I answered.

“Candy Crust?” she said.

“Crush,” I said testily. “Crush.”

I tried to quit playing after the first hour,...

My Vagina has a First Name

You know the old adage about if you love something you should set it free and if it loves you it will come back? That happened to me and my vagina once.

I went to Mexico on a day trip. My friend Brenda went with me. We stopped in Ensenada, a little town near the border. We were walking down the street, minding our own business, talking about where we could buy Retin-A or Valium to smuggle back across the border when a little Mexican man stepped out of the shadow of an alley and blocked our pat...

The Day I Killed Santa Claus

I don’t remember ever believing in Santa Claus, though I know I must have. There’s an old 8mm tape somewhere that shows a four-year-old me sitting on my Grampa’s lap and grilling him about Santa. “How does he get down the chimney? What if you don’t have a chimney?” Even at that young age I was skeptical.

My daughter, however, believed everything I ever told her. So when Emma was in third grade and some of the other kids found out she still believed in Santa Claus, they made fun of her and she...

The Beautiful Beaded Belt

Have you ever wanted something so bad that every waking moment was consumed by it? You even dreamed about it? That happened to me when I was nine-years-old. I fell in love with a beaded belt. This was no ordinary beaded belt. It was the be-all, end-all of beaded belts. I simply could not go on living without this fabulous, groovy belt.

You see, every summer my Grandparents would load up their Winnebago and take me camping with them in the Colorado mountains. They would find a nice secluded cam...

Once Upon a Time Travel

My Young Adult book is on sale over at Amazon! Only 99 cents for the ebook. The sale begins today and last through Saturday, April 5th. Click here!

Twelve-year-old Rebel has a nose for trouble. During in-school detention, Rebel stumbles upon a wormhole and travels back in time to the 1930s Dust Bowl in Oklahoma. She meets Dixie O’Dell, an orphaned girl, who picks pockets to earn enough money to survive. While on the run from the law, Rebel and Dixie are taken in by a traveling carnival freak s...

Are You Smarter Than a Second Grader?

My daughter came home from seventh grade and told me that the math teacher wanted to place her in advanced math. She respectfully declined, saying, “No, thanks, my mom can’t do advanced math.”

It’s true that I help Emma with her homework. I started helping her when it became apparent that without me she wouldn’t do it at all. And, to be truthful, I have to admit that a little part of me likes doing homework with her. It gives me a chance to learn all the things I missed the first time around....

Birth of a Comedian

“Have you always been funny?” I get asked that a lot. The answer is no. I didn’t come out of the womb like Groucho Marx with big glasses, bushy eyebrows and a cigar. I actually wasn’t funny until I was nine-years-old and then it was a very calculated move on my part.

You see, comedy was my last hope. I was an ugly kid. I was fat. I had a head shaped like the Planter’s Peanut man. I was nearsighted and wore cat eye glasses. I had a Toni home perm. My mother sewed me velveteen dresses that had h...

Jinx

I am a mother. Which is simultaneously the best and worst job I’ve ever had. I adopted my daughter, Emma. It was a private adoption and I was present ather birth. From the second she was born I got to hold her in my arms. It was the best moment of my life.

However, I don’t think I’m alone when I confess that being a mother isn’t all fun. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking. Sometimes you just want to pull your hair out. Like the other day when Emma told me she hates her name and wants me to start cal...

Once Upon a Time Travel

I was asked the other day why I chose to write a Young Adult book. I take it they meant why didn’t you write a lesfic book instead? Well, the truth is that I did write a lesfic book. It will be out next month. In the past year in the lesfic genre I wrotetwo novels, a novella and four short stories. So, writing YA is not stopping my lesfic outflow. Also, if you knew me, you’d see know how natural YA is. You see, I have a thirteen year-old daughter, Emma. I am writing for her.

Emma came home fro...

Lesbian, 39, Admits to Disliking Cats

LOS ANGELES – Rita Hanover, a 39 year old lesbian, admitted to undisclosed sources yesterday that she dislikes cats. “I kept it a deep, dark secret for years,” Rita said. “I was afraid of being shunned in the lesbian community.”

Rita’s sister, Margo, knew something was wrong. “It came as no surprise to me,” Margo said. “I would watch her pet the cat and it was obvious her heart wasn’t in it.”

Rita is suspected to be one of only a dozen or so lesbians worldwide who dislike cats. She admitted to...