Layce Gardner's Blog, page 11
November 30, 2014
The Human Beans, Episode 8, “Scrabble”
There are a lot of things people don’t tell you about being a mother. For instance, nobody warned me that I would never have another moment of privacy in my entire adult life.
Lulu and I showered together.
We went to the bathroom together.
We read books together.
We watched movies together.
Finally, Lulu would wear herself out and take a nap.
I would collapse.
And Tini would wake up.
Stay tuned for the next isntallment of The Human Beans, Episode 9
written and illustrated by Layce Gardner
Making the wo...
November 23, 2014
I Didn’t Get The Memo
I guess I didn’t get the following memo:
Dear Women of America,
We are sending this memo to every woman in America as a public service announcement. We feel that it is great news for the female of the species and we know that you will rejoice as well. What is this spectacular news you ask?
The Fashion Industry has made it official:
Leggings are pants
That’s right! The Fashion Industry has declared that leggings—formerly known as ‘tights’ and classified as undergarments—are now considered to be out...
November 20, 2014
The LezBeans, Episode 7, “BFFs”
Before Lulu, I had another baby. His name was Stanley. He was my four-legged furbaby.
Tini didn’t like Stanley. The feeling was mutual.
I was worried about introducing Lulu to Stanley. Would my two babies like each other?
Turns out, I shouldn’t have worried.
It was love at first lick.
From that moment on they were inseparable.
They played together.
They ate together.
They slept together.
They even did their business together.
They were Best Friends Forever.
Stay tuned for the the next installment of Th...
The Human Beans, Episode 7, “BFFs”
Before Lulu, I had another baby. His name was Stanley. He was my four-legged furbaby.
Tini didn’t like Stanley. The feeling was mutual.
I was worried about introducing Lulu to Stanley. Would my two babies like each other?
Turns out, I shouldn’t have worried.
It was love at first lick.
From that moment on they were inseparable.
They played together.
They ate together.
They slept together.
They even did their business together.
They were Best Friends Forever.
Stay tuned for the the next installment of Th...
November 16, 2014
The Magic 8-ball
Because I am a mother I know all the answers to all the questions in the world. At least my daughter thinks I do. She asks me approximately one million questions a day. She asked me this question ten seconds ago:
Emma: What is the texture of the igneous rock that forms around magma?
Me: Hard.
Emma: Mom… puhleez.
Or this question from last night:
Emma: Why do kangaroos have three vaginas?
Me: (stunned silence)
I have gotten so tired of answering questions that I decided to use something that would an...
November 13, 2014
The LezBeans, Episode 6, “Music Tames The Savage Beast”
The main difference between adult human beans and baby human beans is that adult beans sleep at night.
Baby beans do not sleep at night.
Baby beans are also louder.
Much, much louder.
I couldn’t sleep because Lulu screamed all night.
Tini, however, slept like a Girlfriend in a Coma. (FYI: That’s an obscure 80’s music reference)
I don’t know if Tini slept so well because of the pitcher of martinis she ingested at bedtime or because of the sleeping mask and ear muffs.
I tried everything to get Lulu...
The Human Beans, Episode 6, “Music Tames The Savage Beast”
The main difference between adult human beans and baby human beans is that adult beans sleep at night.
Baby beans do not sleep at night.
Baby beans are also louder.
Much, much louder.
I couldn’t sleep because Lulu screamed all night.
Tini, however, slept like a Girlfriend in a Coma. (FYI: That’s an obscure 80′s music reference)
I don’t know if Tini slept so well because of the pitcher of martinis she ingested at bedtime or because of the sleeping mask and ear muffs.
I tried everything to get Lulu...
November 12, 2014
November 9, 2014
Michael Myers, The Real Horror Story
You’ve heard the old saw “Truth is stranger than fiction?” Actually, being a landlord is stranger than fiction. You meet the weirdest people in the world when you start renting apartments. (Such as the blind nudist which I blogged about here.)
I once rented an apartment to a guy named Michael Myers. I know, I know, that should’ve been my red flag right there.
He checked out fine and he looked like a decent enough guy. I thought he would make an excellent tenant.
Famous last words.
MM had only bee...
November 6, 2014
The LezBeans, Episode 5, “Housebroken”
Stay tuned for the next installment of The LezBeans, Episode 6, “Music Tames the Savage Beast.”
Written and illustrated by Layce Gardner
Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!
