Layce Gardner's Blog, page 10

The LezBeans, Episode 13, “World’s Longest Joke”

When Lulu was first learning to talk I thought it would be fun to teach her the wrong word for everything. For example, I would teach her that the word�� for chair was actually “shit.”

If that worked, I would teach her that the word for “please” was actually “Fuck you.”

I mean what���s the use of having a kid if you can���t have some fun with them?

I imagined her going to school on the first day. She would smile at her teacher, point at a chair and ask, ���Is this my shit?���

The teacher would fr...

Jimmy Carter

“White House, how may I direct your call?”

���Hi! Can I speak to Jimmy, please?��� I said into the telephone.

The year was 1977 and I was fourteen-years-old.�� Jimmy Carter had just been elected President of the United States.

Jimmy

I loved Jimmy. I loved his big teeth and big smile. I loved his accent. I loved peanuts. So, on Thanksgiving Day, I decided to call the White House and tell him how much I loved him.

me at 14

“I’m calling long distance,” I said. “Can I talk to Jimmy?”

���May I ask who is...

Devil Dreams

I���ve am plagued by what I jokingly refer to as ���devil dreams.��� I can joke about them while awake, but once night falls it���s not a laughing matter.

Ask Saxon. She���s the one who has to comfort me in the middle of the night while I tremble and cry. Yes, devil dreams are that scary.

I think I began believing the devil was after me at the age of eleven when The Exorcist first came out. I didn���t see the movie, but I did see the trailers for it on TV. I stayed awake many nights after that...

The LezBeans, Episode 12, “Baby Genius”

I always wanted my child to be a genius. I loved that Jodie Foster movie “Little Man Tate” and thought it would be fun to have a child prodigy of my very own to balance my checkbook and do my taxes. However, since my child was normal and did not exhibit genius-like tendencies by the age of eighteen months, I did the next best thing and faked it.

I taught Lulu to answer “Two” to every question I asked her.

I would gather an audience (Usually consisting of Stanley and Grandma Bean) and ask Lulu,

“...

Hooters

It ain’t easy being the mother of a teenage daughter. Emma’s boyfriend came over last night. They were in the kitchen making popcorn when I overheard Emma say, “So, do you like my hooters?”

He laughed and said, “What’s not to like?”

I ran into the kitchen ready to do battle. I envisioned ripping the tablecloth off the table and covering up Emma’s bare breasts, then hitting her boyfriend over the head with a chair. I would then drag him by the ankles out to the street and call his parents to com...

The LezBeans, Episode 11, “My Mom Is A Lezbean”

After mastering walking, Lulu began to talk. She would choose a word at random and say it out loud approximately 1,247,893 times. She loved the reaction she would get from people when she said the word. (Especially if it was a word I didn’t want her to say.)

After a few months, Lulu graduated to full sentences. She found one particular sentence that elicited a shocked response from people and she said it everywhere.

And I do mean EVERYWHERE.

She said it at the grocery store.

She said it at the ga...

The LezBeans, Episode 10, “Evolution of Lulu”

Have you ever seen that pictograph that details Darwin’s evolution of man?

I drew my own version of the evolution of the human bean. I called it:

Shuffling out of the primordial soup to Shuffling off to Buffalo.

I think Darwin was definitely on to something because Lulu evolved the same way. Except she had Stanley’s help.

She first transported herself by grabbing Stanley’s tail and being dragged everywhere.

Then she evolved to hitching a ride bareback.

Lulu’s favorite mode of transportation was whe...

My Parents Tried To Kill Me

As most of you know, I have a daughter named Emma. Now that she has allegedly reached the age of reason, I like to tell her little stories about my life that have a moral to them. Parables, if you will. That way she can comb the story for meaning, apply it to her life and, perhaps, become a better person for it.

Yesterday, I decided to tell her the story about how I learned to swim. I sat Emma down, put on my serious face and said, “When I was seven-years-old my stepfather thought it was time...

The LezBeans, Episode 9, “Meow”

“Ohmigod! This picture of a kitty on Facebook is adorable! Must share!”

“This video of a cat riding a roomba is hysterical! Must share!”

“Kitty in a teacup. Like. Cat with a baby. Like. Cat eating catnip. Like!”

“A grumpy cat! Like. Must share!”

“Awww… lookit this picture of an abused cat. How can people ignore their pets like that?”

Stay tuned for the next installment of The LezBeans, Episode 10

written and illustrated by Layce Gardner

The perfect Christmas gift for the young adult in your life!

ava...

The LezBeans, Episode 8, “Scrabble”

There are a lot of things people don’t tell you about being a mother. For instance, nobody warned me that I would never have another moment of privacy in my entire adult life.

Lulu and I showered together.

We went to the bathroom together.

We read books together.

We watched movies together.

Finally, Lulu would wear herself out and take a nap.

I would collapse.

And Tini would wake up.

Stay tuned for the next isntallment of The LezBeans, Episode 9

written and illustrated by Layce Gardner

Making the world...