Layce Gardner's Blog, page 6
March 2, 2016
What Do Zombies Eat?
People always ask us where our ideas come from. I usually answer that our books are born in our kitchen. I don’t know why the kitchen. Perhaps it’s the nurturing idea of food, perhaps it’s the smells, the tastes… Honestly, I really have no idea. All I know is that the kitchen is where most of our books are born.
Just like our newest book. We gave birth one day while Layce was cooking.
I was setting the table when I suddenly announced, “I have an idea...
February 9, 2016
I Love You Anyway
Sometimes I feel for my daughter, Emma. She has a lot to put up with. She has two moms who are writers. And having two creative types as moms isn’t all that easy.
Emma is in her first high school play, Big Fish. She goes to rehearsal every night and this is hell week. (Theatre people know what I mean by that.) Last night she texted me and asked me to bring her dinner because rehearsal was going to run very late.
Being the great moms we are, we made her a pastrami and provolone sandwich (her f...
February 3, 2016
Real Life Lesbian Romance
It may surprise you to know that I am not much for romance. My brain doesn’t work that way. Saxon is the true romantic in our family.
Saxon went to visit her family for a couple of weeks, leaving me and Emma behind. I mean not TheMartian kind of leaving behind, but… well, she went, we didn’t.
The first night she was gone, I climbed into bed all alone. I was planning on reading myself to sleep. I placed my head on my pillow and heard crinkle, crinkle.
“Yay!” I thought. “Saxon hid a bag of pota...
February 1, 2016
Amazon’s Ebook Return Policy
Last year I visited the Walmart museum in Arkansas. The museum showed how Sam Walton began his business and how it grew larger and larger with each passing year. The part of the museum that I liked the most showed some of the most ridiculous items that were returned for a full refund. As most of you probably know, Walmart has one of the most lax return policies ever instituted. The reason was because Sam Walton wanted to make the customer happy. As the old adage goes: A happy customer is a re...
January 13, 2016
The Tooters
The phone rang and I answered it. It was my mother. The following is an excerpt of our conversation:
Mom: Have you seen that series on Netflix, The Tudors?
Me: The Tooters?
Mom: Tudors.
Me: Tooters?
Mom: (slowly) Tu. Dors.
Me. Two doors?
Mom: It’s about the kings in England. Henry the eighth.
Me: I don’t get it. They called a show about Henry the Eighth Tooters? Did he have a flatulence problem?
Mom: No, silly. That was his last name.
Me: Henry the Eighth was named Henry Tooter?
Mom: (big si...
December 22, 2015
The Christmas Man
When you live in Los Angeles sometimes you run into famous people where you least expect it. Like convenience store lines, car washes, or a grocery store. Or, as in this case, you sit next to a movie star on an airplane.
She was a very familiar looking blond woman and I couldn’t quite place her. I introduced myself and she told me her name was Karina. She had a very thick German accent.
“Excuse me,” I said, “Please, don’t take this the wrong way, but have you ever done any film work?”
“Yes, I...
December 16, 2015
Censorship
I went to The Friends of the Library book sale the other day. I picked up a Jodi Picoult book for only two bucks. I love Jodi’s books. This one, Leaving Time, is one of her best, I must say.
I was only a few pages into reading it when I saw a word had been marked out. The previous owner actually obliterated the word using a black sharpie. It was the F-word. I could tell because the sentence was: I’m sorry, but I ____ed up royally.
I thought this marking out was strange for several reasons. F...
November 30, 2015
My Favorite Shirt
My favorite shirt is one I don’t wear in public. Everyone has that embarrassing piece of clothing that they love and can’t seem to part with, right? The shirt that you put on as soon as it comes out of the dryer. The shirt you wear to lounge around?
My favorite shirt was a gift to my mom. My mother hated it so she gave it to me. And that’s where the shirt found its forever home.
It’s a T-shirt made out of the softest cotton you can imagine. It’s black. And the best part is the giant photo of...
November 16, 2015
10 Things You Don’t Know About Me
If you are friends with me on Facebook you already know that I love bacon and crocheting is one of my hobbies. But here are ten things you probably don’t know about me.
I’m a licensed stockbroker. I took the Series 7 exam and worked for Shearson Lehman right after college I taught Special Ed at Glendale High School in California for two years I am tall. At 5’10” I am officially tall enough to be in the national tall women’s club. I am a Reiki practitioner. I am second level and want to move...November 4, 2015
Reviews, Schmviews
Every time I see a bad review, I consider myself lucky. Why? Because it’s only a bad review and not a death threat. Oh yeah, I once got a death threat over my writing. Sticks and stones and all that, but I’m here to tell you that some words CAN hurt.
It was 1992 and my play TIGER LADY was in rehearsal at the Tamarind Theatre in Hollywood. Paige O’Hara, who was famous for her voice-over and singing of the part of Belle in DISNEY’S BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, was playing the lead, the Tiger Lady of t...
