Layce Gardner's Blog, page 7

Hussy of the Month

When I woke up I was surrounded by firemen. I wasn’t wearing any pants. I was lying on the ground, wearing only a bright pink T-shirt with white letters that spelled out “Hussy of the Month” on the front. How did I come to be in this situation? The explanation is really quite simple.

I wrote about my factory job and the kidnapping of the foreman’s dildo in my last blog, The Ransom Note. One month after that incident, I was still working at the same factory. We made the little wooden bases fo...

The Ransom Note

I worked in a factory right out of high school. It was called Metal Fab and we made wooden bases for trophies. I was paid minimum wage to stand all day at a sanding station and sand those little bases. I got the job beause my best friend’s daddy owned the place. It was my plan to work there for the summer and save enough money to suppliment my scholarship to college.

After about two days work I was so bored I could scream. There were women that had worked there for years. They were fifty, six...

Hairballs and Feathers

I read a blog yesterday that gave me nightmares. I forget where I read it, but let me give you the short version: a woman went to her gyno and found a cat’s hairball up in her vajayjay.

I know, right?

This brings up so many questions. And all the answers are upsetting.

But it made me realize that things, foreign object type things, can really get inside you and stay inside you.

Not so long ago, my mother went in for lung surgery. They had found a tumor like substance in one lung. So she had h...

The Tiger

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, strong tiger.

One day a Hunter jumped out from behind a tree and captured her.

He threw the tiger in a cage. Every day the Hunter would come visit the Tiger.

The Tiger said to the Hunter on the first day, “I am very beautiful. Is that why you captured me?”

“No,” the Hunter said. “You are ugly.”

The second day the Tiger said to the Hunter, “I am very strong. Is that why you captured me?”

“No,” the Hunter said, “You are weak.”

Every day after that the...

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Camp Letters

Remember when you were a kid and went to summer camp? You wrote a letter home to your parents and sometimes you even beat the letter home?

With the invention of email, things have changed. Now it is the parents who write the letters. Emma went away to camp last week and Saxon and I wrote her an email everyday.

Here, for your amusement, are the emails we sent to Emma:

Monday

Hey kiddo!

Did you have fun on your first day even though it was boiling hot outside? Guess what we’re doing today? Goin...

Lies Writers Tell

Remember when David Letterman had his top ten list?

Tahlequah, Oklahoma’s claim to fame is being the home office of Letterman’s top ten list. (Besides being the home of Carrie Underwood and Mr. Ed, that is.) So, seeing as how I live in Tahlequah, I decided to make my own top ten list.

LIES WRITERS TELL My book is so good it will sell itself.

Books do not sell themselves. You have to market and market and market because like it or not, you not only created the ‘ho but you have to pimp t...

Don’t Yuck Up My Yum

It’s astounding how many tragic events I’ve lived through in the past twenty years. I’ve witnessed 9/11, the OKC bombing, Columbine, The Boston Marathon bombing, countless other school shootings, Hurricane Katrina, the L.A. Riots, The 6.8 earthquake in L.A., yesterday’s shooting in S.C., tons of earthquakes around the world… the list of world tragedies goes on and on.

I have not witnessed each and every one personally. Meaning, I was not at each location as the events unfolded. But I did see...

A Day In The Life With Saxon

Yesterday, Saxon received new flip flops in a UPS box. She put them on her feet first thing. Then she began to play with the packing paper. She wadded the paper into two balls and shoved them in her bra. “I always wondered what it would be like to have big tits,” she said.

“They look a little crinkly,” I said.

She gave me the finger.

About half an hour later, we decided to go to Tahlequah Lumber and buy a wheelbarrow. On the way there, we stopped at a drive-thru snowcone store. Saxon ordered...

Who Is Margo?

My mother is one of the smartest women I know. My whole life I have looked up to her. She’s beautiful, creative, talented, and smart. But… sometimes I have to wonder what the hell she’s thinking. Last night was one of those times.

I get a phone call. I look at the number on the ID and it’s my mom. Here’s how the conversation went –

Me: Hi, Mom. What’s up?

Mom: Help! You have to help me!

Me: (Panicked) What’s wrong?

Mom: My kindle is screwy! I’m going to throw this damn thing in the trash!

Me:...