Layce Gardner's Blog, page 15

Dharma Rhymes with Karma

I used to think that the sporty little Volkswagon car was called a Karma Ghia. I also used to think dharma was the name of the wacky woman on that TV show Dharma and Greg. I used to hate going grocery shopping, but now I love it. (Don’t give up, this will all make sense shortly.)

There are many meanings of the word dharma. I like best the definition that I learned from the teachings of Paramahansa Yogananda. Dharma is quite simply what you are put here on earth to do. It is your calling.

Saxon...

Big Titty Mama

I was poring through some old files the other day and found my Oscar speech. I wrote it when I seventeen years old. I guess I wanted to be prepared. I didn’t want to be caught unawares – with my pants down – when I was handed the Oscar.

I also have a Johnny Carson story ready. I know Johnny isn’t around anymore, but it wasn’t so long ago that I daydreamed about being a guest on his show and what I would talk about. So I had my Johnny Carson story pre-written.

It went something like this: True s...

Square Pegs Ink

This past year saw many changes for me and Saxon. We got married and we started our own publishing company. Wenamed our companySquare Pegs Ink -because we both feel like square pegs trying to fit into the proverbial round hole. And we know most of you do, too. That’s why our motto for Square Pegs is: Different is good.

How is Square Pegs Ink different from other publishers?

1. We strongly believe in laughter. As a healing agent and as a way to communicate themes and morals.

2. We don’t believe i...

When Is a Purse Not a Purse?

Most of you know by now that I’m into crocheting. It’s my creative hobby away from my writing. It keeps my creative juices flowing while I’m not actively writing. I have my crocheting; Saxon has her fabric art. I bought her a sewing machine a couple of months ago and ever since she has been cutting up old clothes and scouring flea markets for material. Some days I wonder where she disappeared to, then I hear the whir of the sewing machine from upstairs.

Last night, the machine stopped whirring...

Devil’s Fart

I woke up last night hungry. My growling stomach woke up Saxon, too. Being the sweetest thang in the world, she sat up and said, “I’ll go make us a snack.”

I don’t want you to think we make a habit of snacking in the middle of the night. I mean, there was that time Emma woke up and caught us in the kitchen eating red velvet cake at three a.m., but that was just that once.

Saxon came back to bed with little slices of pumpernickel bread smeared with cream cheese. As we ate, Saxon wondered aloud,...

My Big Fat Lesbo Wedding

This past week Saxon and Emma and I drove eight hours to Des Moines, Iowa to get legally married. We stayed in Clive, Iowa at the La Quinta hotel. Saxon and Emma were overjoyed that the hotel had an indoor pool. I was overjoyed that the hotel was next door to a Cracker Barrel restaurant. I love Cracker Barrel for two reasons: They have amazing comfort food and a great gift shop. Before eating I wandered around the gift shop. I found a shawl that I wanted really bad. I mean, really really bad....

A (Bigfoot) Hunting We Will Go!

My daughter Emma is thirteen years old now. It’s truly amazing how fast your children grow up. I remember when she was a year old and I was trying to teach her to walk and talk. (Now I just want her to sit down and shut up.)

This past week, I took Emma out for some mother daughter bonding time. Some mothers and daughters bond while shopping. Some bond at a tea party or while cooking. My daughter and I bond by going on a Bigfoot Hunt.

Okay, so the Bigfoot Hunt was totally my idea. I believe in B...

A Book Review, Sort Of

Some of you may have seen the all the brouhaha going on over at Goodreads about the bullies trying to ‘destroy the careers’ of authors. It makes me sick to my stomach. You know what the real problem is? It’s that any time you let people wear a mask and become anonymous – like on Goodreads or Amazon – that’s like giving crazy people a gun and a license to kill.

If people were to follow one rule, a whole lot of bullshit would go away. Know what that rule is?

Be a little kinder than is necessary....

Gnome Sweet Gnome

There’s something weird going on at my house. And not the normal weird either. This is a different weird. It began last year when the garden gnomes were stolen out of our front yard. It happened around Halloween so I assumed it was pranksters. This was made doubly bad by the fact that our yard was a halfway house of sorts for gnomes with special needs. Some gnomes were missing legs. Some were missing arms. Others were missing pants. I hope whoever took them didn’t make them suffer.

Saxon has n...

Tales from a Landlord: The Blind Nudist

(This is part of an ongoing series called “Tales from a Landlord.”

For the past twelve years I was a landlord. I owned 16 different places. Eight apartments and eight houses. I was the accountant, the maintenance man, the lawn mower, everything. I went into the business because Suze Orman told me through one of her books that real estate was a good investment. If I ever meet Suze Orman in the flesh I am going to kill her. I recently sold my last house and have finally escaped the landlord busi...