Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 8

EP 49: On Miscarriage – Help for Hurting Hearts

Since I sometimes hear from women asking for advice on dealing with miscarriages, I wanted to share my thoughts and experience with this topic in hopes of encouraging others who may be suffering from the same kind of grief and loss.

Listen in this week as we discuss recovering from miscarriage, rainbow babies, responding to insensitive remarks or hurtful comments, and much more.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Psalm 30:5 – “Weeping may last through the night, but a shout of Joy comes in the morning.” Romans 12:15 – “…Mourn with those who mourn.”Psalm 139:13-16 – “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my …”RELATED LINKS:Mailbag: Dealing with MiscarriageSTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, printables!)  On Miscarriage (EP 49 Transcript):

Hello, Friend.

Welcome to episode 49 of Loving Life at Home. Today is June 17, which is the day after Father’s Day. But it also happens to be the day after my daughter Rachel’s 23rd birthday.

Rachel is what some people call a rainbow baby, meaning she was born after I had suffered a miscarriage.

Since I sometimes hear from women asking for advice on dealing with or recovering from miscarriage, I wanted to share my thoughts and experience with this topic in hopes of encouraging others who may be dealing with the same kind of grief and loss.

Please be aware that I am not a physician and my comments here are not meant to constitute medical advice. Your situation may be vastly different than mine and require a different approach to treatment and recovery.

As I’ve said in the past, God has blessed me with relatively easy pregnancies and smooth, complication-free deliveries that result in big, strong, healthy babies. Those things have been true twelve times over.

But what I didn’t tell you is the fact that my 8th pregnancy didn’t follow that pattern as well as all the others.

Things seemed to be progressing normally….

I didn’t have any early bleeding. During my third pregnancy, I had a lot of spotting. During the fourth, I bled so much, my doctor prepared me for the worst and scheduled a sonogram – which weren’t routine back then – to see what was going on.

But both times, the babies were fine, they were born full term and healthy, and both are now full grown with families of their own. #3 is a pediatric dentist and #4 is an anesthesia doctor just like his dad.

But I didn’t have any bleeding or spotting in the first trimester of my eighth pregnancy.

Baby was growing. He had a strong, steady heartbeat. (During some of my earlier pregnancies, my doctor had a hard time locating the heartbeat at all thanks to the fact I have a retroflex uterus, which means it’s curved backward rather than forward in my abdomen. That particular anatomy caused enough false alarms of suspected miscarriages in early office visits that we stopped even trying to listen to the heartbeat until later in my pregnancies).

But for that eighth pregnancy, the heartbeat was present and ticking away normally. I could even feel those first flutters of movement from the little one growing inside me.

In other words, for the first 16-17 weeks, my 8th pregnancy felt equally or more normal than all the pregnancies preceding it.

Then, at 17 weeks, I woke up one night in a puddle of blood. And I delivered my lifeless little baby on my way to the bathroom. He was a perfectly formed little boy about the size of my palm. I could count every tiny finger and toe.

When I called to my sleeping husband for help, he saw how much blood I was losing and how fast and rushed me to the hospital. We were less than five minutes away, but I was white as a ghost by the time we got there and fading fast.

Yet thanks to the mercy of God and the excellent care of my doctors, I survived.

And God blessed us with another five easy pregnancies and full-term, healthy births after that, starting with our sweet Rachel, whom we conceived the month following the loss of our precious little Joshua Adam.

I had a wonderful OB who attended me at the hospital the night we lost Joshua and spoke with me and my husband at length about my miscarriage. I will be eternally grateful for the advice he gave us during that difficult time. Here’s a list of my major take-aways from our conversation with him and from my later reflections on the topic.

I hope they’ll be of some value to you, as well, if you ever face a similar loss:

Help for Hurting Hearts:1. Give yourself time to recover

As I mentioned before, I lost a serious amount of blood when I miscarried and had to be admitted to the hospital overnight. I also had to take extra iron supplements for several months following the miscarriage. It is okay to put your feet up for a while after you miscarry while you recover and regain your strength.

2. Allow yourself time to grieve

I was so blessed to have an empathetic doctor! He recognized the loss and didn’t assume it was any less profound just because we already had seven other children at home (though, I must admit, those children were a healing balm to my soul).

As painful as it was to lose a baby and come to grips with the fact I would never hold him in my arms, never nurse him or see him take his first step, never hug or read to him, never see him graduate or get married, my heart hurts even more for women who miscarry their first baby and are forced to come home to an empty nursery!

At least I had other little ones to hug and cuddle and enjoy. They will never take the place of the baby I lost, but they certainly helped distract me and gave me lots of good reasons for moving beyond my grief and engaging in life again.

If you’ve lost your first baby, or your first several babies, I am so very sorry. Although you may not have the same kind of obvious, built-in motivation for pressing on in the midst of your anguish as I did, but I know lots of good reasons for doing so exist and I pray God will open your eyes to them and restore your joy, as well.

Another thing we took away from our conversation with the doctor the night I was in the hospital was:

3. Don’t be afraid to try again

Not only was our doctor solemn and empathetic, but he was simultaneously hopeful and encouraging. He told us in no uncertain terms we should not to let the miscarriage scare us out of trying again. If we wanted more children, he said he saw no reason that we shouldn’t have more.

Which, again, we already had seven children. I don’t think this is the medical advice left-leaning doctors would’ve given to a couple in our situation. But, God being rich in mercy, sent us an OB who gave us the exact words of reassurance we wanted and needed to hear.

We asked the doctor if it were necessary to wait a number of weeks or months before conceiving again, and he told us we could try again as soon as we felt like it. (Now, that may not be true for everybody, as other ladies may have complicating health factors, but I was otherwise strong and accustomed to very easy pregnancies and smooth, complication-free deliveries, so that was the advice my doctor gave me).

We got pregnant again the very next month. The Bible tells us,

“Weeping may last through the night, but a shout of Joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)

That was certainly the case for us. We grieved the death of our baby boy. It made us so sad to lose him, and the entire family felt the loss. But God didn’t leave us in our grief. He walked through it with us. And joy did return, if not the very next morning, it was definitely there ten months later when we held that new baby girl in our arms – a baby girl we named Rachel Joy, who has been spreading smiles and sunshine almost continuously from the moment we learned she was on her way!

My 4th takeaway from the doctor’s words to us that night so long ago?

4. Recognize the risk of future miscarriages

Although the doctor gave us a green light for trying again, he did warn my husband that as I aged, the miscarriages might become more frequent.

And, sure enough, I did end up having one more miscarriage after our twelfth child was born.

I lost that baby when I was only about 6 weeks along. I was 45 at the time but would have been 46 by the time I delivered. And, to be honest, if it weren’t for early detection pregnancy tests, I might have just assumed my period was a couple weeks late.

To my knowledge, I have had no miscarriages since. I’ve also had no babies after that last miscarriage, although we would certainly have been delighted for God to send us more and did nothing to prevent pregnancy throughout a full decade of fertile years that followed!)

By the way, the five pregnancies in between my two miscarriages were all full term and produced beautiful, healthy children that we could not imagine living without. Interestingly, my last two pregnancies (at age 42 and 44) were my easiest, most energetic pregnancies and quickest, smoothest labors and deliveries to date!

I hope that testimony will serve to encourage you and give you hope. 

Now, the last 2 things I want to discuss today are not something my doctor talked about with me, but they’re topics I’ve pondered myself and discussed with friends. One is, when you are grieving, how should you respond to people who make insensitive comments? And another is, what should you say to somebody who has lost a child (whether they miscarry or have a still birth or suffer the loss of an older child through illness, injury, or any other means?

5. Respond graciously to insensitive remarks

For me, the right response to insensitive comments has always been to assume they are well intentioned and reply as graciously as possible.

I remember reading about a woman who had lost a child. I don’t remember how old he was when he died – it wasn’t a miscarriage. He had been born healthy and lived for some time. Maybe he died of SIDS. Maybe he drowned. Maybe he was in a car wreck. I don’t remember any of those details.

But what I do remember was the fact that somebody tried to express sympathy to this grieving mother by telling her, “I know just how you feel, because I lost my little dog recently.

Now, I think most mothers would agree that it is wildly inappropriate to equate the loss of a child to the loss of a pet, no matter how loved the pet was. But what impressed and humbled me was this particular mother’s response to that comment.

She realized the person (1) was trying, however poorly, to sympathize with her and (2) was obviously still shaken up over the death of her dog, however long it had been since its passing. So, do you know what she did?

With complete sincerity, she said to the woman who’d lost the pet, “Oh, I am so sorry for your loss! What was your dog’s name?”

Instead of being offended by what many would consider an insensitive comment, she listened sympathetically as this person poured out her own grief about her furry little friend. And I imagine both women benefited from her willingness to lay aside her own grief for a moment to “mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep.”

Now, you and I may not be able to respond that graciously when we are in the thick of processing our own pain, but nonetheless, that is my goal.

When I came home from the hospital after losing Joshua, my children consoled me with tearful hugs and kisses, homemade cards and bouquets, and the heartfelt pronouncement from my 8-year-old that (at least) “you still look pregnant, Mommy.”

That’s not exactly what most women want to hear – that they look pregnant when they aren’t – but what my little boy said was entirely meant to cheer me up and, strangely enough, it did!

Other comments I heard after my miscarriage:

“At least you still have 7 other children” – true, although that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the one who’s gone.“Maybe God has a reason for taking him home early” – doubtlessly so, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less and isn’t a particularly comforting thing to say“You can try again” – that’s right, but it won’t bring back the one we lost

So, in responding to the comments others make to you when you’re the one grieving, assume the best. Take what they say in the spirit it was intended. And realize a lot of people haven’t the foggiest clue what to say to someone who broken in spirit, no matter what the cause of the grief.

At least the people who say insensitive things are saying something. When faced with hard situations like that, some friends don’t say anything at all, and their silence can hurt too. In fact, sometimes the silence can be deafening.

It can feel like your friends don’t care or like they’ve abandoned you to suffer alone. But it may just be that they are so afraid of saying the wrong thing, that they opt to say nothing. And you need to extend grace in that situation as well. Again. Assume the best. Be grateful for friends who sit with you in your grief and forgive the friends who don’t come around.

Of course, I’ve heard from some women who had to deal with comments that definitely would’ve been better left unsaid. Comments that intimated that their miscarriage was a punishment from God for some hidden sin or food choice or other random decision that led to the demise of their unborn baby.

All you have to do is read the book of Job to see the faultiness of that kind of reasoning.

Besides, I’ve found that a lot of mothers feel guilty after their miscarriage whether anybody suggest they should or not. Perhaps they regret that they weren’t more excited about the pregnancy in the first place. Perhaps they dreaded the nine months of morning sickness or other health problems that accompanied previous pregnancies. Perhaps they weren’t sure they could afford another baby. And that knowledge makes them wonder if they were somehow to blame for what happened.

If they don’t already have children, they may wonder if God is deaf to their prayers for a baby or if He doesn’t love them or doesn’t care about their grief or if maybe He is punishing them for some unknown reason or if mistakes they made when they were younger may mean they never experience the joy of carrying a baby full term and delivering him safely.

In my case, the thing that compounded my grief was the fact that we’d gotten a new dog shortly before I miscarried and the whole family voted to name him Jinx. We already had a dog named Lucky – another name I wasn’t particularly fond of – and my husband and kids thought the name Jinx would go well with that one.

I didn’t like the name, but neither did I protest it. And – while I know in my head now, as I knew then, that there is no logical connection between naming a dog and miscarrying a baby, I still felt guilty for not suggesting something better or at least sharing my misgivings about the name Jinx.

And honestly, if I had it to do over, I would’ve said something. Not because I believe doing so would’ve changed our outcome one iota, but just so there would never have even been that question in my mind, and to spare myself having to deal with the guilt I felt over that crazy coincidence.

So, if you’ve found yourself struggling with such guilt feelings after your miscarriage, whether they have some basis in reality or are completely irrational, I’d encourage you to lay that burden fully at the foot of the cross. Realize what’s done is done and there is no way to go back and change it.

If you have something to confess, then confess it and accept the forgiveness God freely offers. But you’ll also need to forgive yourself, learn whatever lessons you can from whatever attitudes or actions or inactions you’re repenting of, and purpose to do better going forward.

6. Be sympathetic to the grief of others

And lastly, if you ever find yourself in the position of needing to console a friend who’s experienced a miscarriage, remember that it’s okay to simply be present. To let them know how very sorry you are that they are going through this. To weep with those who weep or mourn with those who mourn, as Romans 12:15 tells us to do.

Chances are, your friend isn’t expecting you to offer some amazing words of wisdom. She just wants to know she isn’t alone in her grief.  

And while it’s true that God saw her child’s unformed substance and knit his body together in his mother’s womb and numbered the days that were ordained for him before any of them came to be, as we read in Psalm 139, your friend probably doesn’t want or need to hear those things when she is in the deepest agony of grief.

She may just want you to acknowledge she’s hurting. To know that you feel her pain. So communicate that in whatever way you can. Pray for her. Hug her. Give her a shoulder to cry on. Bring her a meal or a bouquet of flowers or send a card letting her know she is in your thoughts and prayers. Offer to babysit her older kids or pick up her groceries or scrub her bathrooms.

And give her whatever time and space she and her family needs to process their grief while you earnestly carry them before the throne of God in prayer, asking him to comfort their aching hearts, to make his presence known, to draw them close to himself, and to grant them the peace that surpasses all understanding.

The post EP 49: On Miscarriage – Help for Hurting Hearts appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 48: The Surest Way to Get Where You’re Going

Our family is on the road again this week our way to North Carolina (at least the ones who aren’t taking college classes this summer).

As usual, we prayed in the driveway before we left home, asking God to watch over us while we’re traveling and to get us safely to our destination.

But a couple of other practices help make sure we get where we’re going — and that’s what I want to talk about in this week’s episode.

The material is taken from a blog post I wrote nearly five years ago. Scroll past the show notes to read it in its entirety. And thanks for listening!

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Mark 13:33 – “Be on your guard and stay alert! For you do not know when…” Colossians 4:2 – “Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.” 1 Peter 5:8 – “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls….” 1 Peter 4:7 – “The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear-minded and sober….”1 Thess. 5:6-8 – “…let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober….”1 Peter 1:13 – “Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit….” Eph. 6:17-18 – “…stay alert with all perseverance in your prayers for all the saints.” RELATED LINKS:Bible Memory Tips & Tricks – to help you hide God’s Word in your heartBible Reading Plan – this schedule will help you finish both Old and New Testaments in a yearSTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, free printables!) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement in your roles as wife, mother, believer) A Sure Way to Get Where You’re Going

Once, back when my husband was in medical school, he found himself in an elevator with a woman he instantly recognized from something he’d read in the school paper. So he struck up a conversation with her.

The woman was undoubtedly alarmed that a perfect stranger was so familiar with her background — where she’d gone to school, what she’d studied, her grade-point average, different awards she’d won. She may even have wondered if Doug were some kind of cerebral stalker.

“How do you happen to know so much about me?” she asked somewhat timidly.

“From that article the paper printed welcoming you to town,” he explained with a friendly smile. He could still recall it as clearly as if he’d read it yesterday.

Raising her eyebrows, she nodded slowly. Inhaled deeply. Waited impatiently for the elevator to reach her floor.

Then, as she stepped out, she told him, “That article was published seven years ago.”

Talented and Gifted

All to say, my husband has been blessed with a phenomenal memory. This fact was apparent from the moment I met him.

He could easily pass a test on information he read a single time. He could glimpse a phone number on a billboard and recall it weeks later. And he could study a map before we left home and take us straight to our destination, even if we had to drive across several states to get there.

Unfortunately, that was in the era before smart phones. Now when we travel, he feels compelled to consult Google maps every ten minutes. Of course, Siri will feed you the directions turn-by-turn to get you where you’re going, but Doug would rather see our progress for himself.

Most couples fight about sex and finances, but not us.

Instead, Doug and I argue about how soon stuff should be donated to Goodwill (he considers an item fair game if we haven’t used it in the past 5 minutes; I favor waiting until we are 100% sure we’ll never need it again).

We also squabble over how frequently a driver can safely look at his phone while the car is moving.

The only correct answer — and the rule we teach our children — is “not at all, ever, ever, ever.” But one of us has a harder time practicing what he preaches in that department than the other.

Can you relate? Whether you memorize the map or depend on your GPS, keep your eyes on the road while driving! If you need to look up directions or type an address into your phone, please pull over or have a passenger do it or just plug in your destination before you leave home, and let Siri give you step-by-step instructions.

I normally don’t even glance at my phone while driving. But, in the interest of full-disclosure, I’ll admit I’m not as safe a driver as I’d like to be myself.

I Need My Rest

Do you remember the lullaby Mary Poppins sang as she tucked Jane and Michael under their covers?

Stay awake, don’t rest your head.
Don’t lie down upon your bed.
You’re not sleepy, as you seem.
Stay awake, don’t nod or dream…

Of course, her admonitions were completely ineffectual, because the song lulled her charges right to sleep.

Driving affects me that same way. I can only make it 15-20 minutes behind the wheel before those parallel lane markers steadily rolling past put me in a trance.

Fortunately, my husband and most of my older children are immune to the hypnotic effect of sitting behind the steering wheel, so they do the majority of the driving when we travel.

On the rare occasions that I can’t avoid driving, I take a lots of stretch breaks. I run laps around the car. I do jumping jacks. And crunch ice. And sing opera. I listen to audiobooks. And pray aloud.

If you’re too sleepy to drive safely, you need to pull over. Otherwise, you may never get where you’re going at all. Driving while drowsy is just as dangerous as driving while distracted or intoxicated.

So grab a cup of coffee. Slap your cheeks. Stay awake. No nodding or dreaming when you’re the one driving!

Rules to Live By

These two admonitions – stay alert and memorize the map – are pragmatic driving tips, to be sure. But they make for some practical life lessons, as well.

Scripture repeatedly tells us to be on the alert, to stay sober, to remain vigilant:

“Be on your guard and stay alert! For you do not know when the appointed time will come.” – Mark 13:33“Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.” – Colossians 4:2“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” – 1 Peter 5:8“The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear-minded and sober, so that you can pray.” – 1 Peter 4:7“So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober… putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and the helmet of our hope of salvation.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:6-8“Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” – 1 Peter 1:13“And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times, with every kind of prayer and petition. To this end, stay alert with all perseverance in your prayers for all the saints.” – Ephesians 6:17-18

That last verse tells us God’s Word is a sword with which we can defend ourselves. But I’ve also heard the Bible compared to a roadmap for life.

How to Get Where You’re Going

Thinking of Scripture in this way helps explain why so many believers would want to consult it frequently. I’m all about spreading it open at the start of every day, pouring over its pages, prayerfully looking to God’s Word for guidance and direction.

In the same way, I believe the Bible is the first thing we should reference if we lose our way. Whenever that happens, it’s good to call time-out, pull to the side of the road, and get your bearings straight.

Sadly, life’s constant flow of traffic can sometimes prevent our stopping or slowing down, even for a second. Spur-of-the-moment Word studies and read-as-you-go encouragement may seem like a luxury you can’t afford amid the grind of daily responsibilities and looming deadlines.

That’s why nothing beats memorizing the map to get you where you’re going. If you want to stay on course from the outset, then hide the God’s Word in your heart. It will as an internal compass and keep you pointed in the right direction.

You can reference it mentally as you go, meditating on it, mulling over what it means, and how its timeless truth and wisdom relates to your current surroundings. That way, you aren’t dependent on good Internet reception; you don’t have to flip through pages or scroll down screens when the road ahead demands your full attention.

When we internalize and memorize the Word of God, it is ever present, ever available.

God’s Word keeps us from getting lulled to sleep along the way and enables us to reach our final destination safely, surely, and unscathed by Satan’s sundry schemes.

The post EP 48: The Surest Way to Get Where You’re Going appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 47: Dealing with Change

Sooner or later, we will all face change of one sort or another. Dealing with change is an inevitable part of life. The question is, how will we respond when it come our way?

The 6 tips for dealing with change that I’m sharing on the podcast today have helped me navigate all sorts of difficult trials, unexpected hardships, and life-altering surprises I’ve encountered in the past.

And I’m confident these strategies will serve you well in the midst of what kinds of change you are currently facing, too.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Philippians 3:13-14 – “…forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead…”James 1:2-3 – “My brethren, consider it all joy when you encounter various trials….”Romans 12:2– “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed….”Psalms 103:2 – “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits.”Philippians 1:6 – “…He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it….”1 Corinthians 1:8 – “He will also keep you firm to the end, so that you will be blameless….” Romans 8:28 – “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good ….”Hebrews 10:23-25 – “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering…”Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for….”James 1:5 – “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God….” Isaiah 40:31– “But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength….” Philippians 4:19 – “…God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory…” Psalm 121:1-2 – “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help….”Proverbs 17:17 – “A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.”Galatians 6:2 – “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” 2 Timothy 1:17 – “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and ….” 2 Corinthians 10:5  – “…and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”Psalm 23:4 – “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for…”Philippians 4:6-7 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication…”Psalm 126:5-6 – “Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.”Psalm 30:5 – “…weeping may last through the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.” Philippians 4:8 – ““Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is…”Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly…” 1 Corinthians 10:31 – “Whether, then, you eat or drink …do all to the glory of God.”Proverbs 30:8-9 – “Give me neither poverty nor riches…”1 Peter 3:8 – “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another…”James 5:15-16 – “…the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and…”Ephesians 2:10 – “… to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”RELATED LINKS:Taking Every Thought Captive – free printable verses to help you discipline your mindWhat Men Intend for Evil – a poem a wrote during a particularly grievous trial several years agoSTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, free printables) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement in your roles as wife, mother, believer)

Circumstances change: We change schools, switch jobs, or move from one town to another.

Responsibilities change: We get married, have a baby, land a promotion, or undertake some other longterm project.

Our health status changes. One day we feel fit as a fiddle, the next we sustain a serious injury or receive a devastating diagnosis.

Connections change: Friendships fade, loved ones pass away, children grow up and leave home.

Some changes knock us completely off our feet. Some changes run us through the paces we’ve practiced before. But almost every change presents some sort of challenge.

So I offer you 6 tried and true tips to help you thrive, even when your world feels like it’s turning upside down. These guidelines will help you keep your bearings straight when dealing with change of any sort, but especially when faced with unwelcome changes.

As is so often the case in posts I pen, the initial letters for each tip form an acrostic for the word C-H-A-N-G-E (because that’s just the way my brain works ).

6 Failsafe Tips for Dealing with ChangeC = Count your blessings

The Bible tells us to “Consider it joy” even when we face hardship, knowing that those hardships ultimately serve to develop in us the fruit of the spirit and conform us to the image of Christ. (James 1:2-3; Romans 12:2) So no matter what kind of life change you’re presently facing, look for the silver lining and celebrate all the many, many things you still have to be thankful for.

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits.” – Psalms 103:2

H = Hold fast to your faith

Never forget that God has a plan and a purpose for every change He brings your way, and He has promised to see you through. ( Philippians 1:6;1 Corinthians 1:8) Take every opportunity to affirm His goodness and sovereignty, knowing that He “causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” – Hebrews 10:23

A = Ask for assistance

If the season of change you are in carries with it extra burdens or responsibilities, by all means request help! Start by asking God for wisdom, strength, and perseverance, since He has promised to supply all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus. (James 1:5; Isaiah 40:31; Philippians 4:19) But you should be willing to ask family members, neighbors, or friends for help as needed, as well. (Proverbs 17:17; Galatians 6:2)

“I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.” – Psalm 121:1-2

N = Nix negative thoughts

Do not allow yourself to get sucked into the downward spiral of depression, negativity, or fear. (2 Timothy 1:17) Banish worry and anxiety. (Philippians 4:6-7) Grieving over a devastating loss may last for a time, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.(Psalm 126:5-6) Resist the urge to throw yourself a pity party.

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” – Philippians 4:8

G = Glorify God

Trust in the Lord, and in all your ways — through good times and bad — acknowledge Him. (Proverbs 3:5-6) “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly,” and let it be especially evident in the way you respond to hardships. (Colossians 3:16)

“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” – 1 Corinthians 10:31

E = Encourage others

Allow the past hardships you’ve endured to help you sympathize with others who suffer. (1 Peter 3:8-9) Pray for those around you who are in difficult seasons and speak words of encouragement to them. (James 5:15-16)

“… let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” – Hebrews 10:24-25

So that’s what I do whenever my world starts to shift underfoot:

Count my blessingsHold fast to my faithAsk for assistanceNix negative thoughtsGlorify God andEncourage others

C-H-A-N-G-E. I hope you’ll give this tack a try next time you’re facing a season of change, as well.

The post EP 47: Dealing with Change appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

Taking Every Thought Captive

I received a message from a fellow mother-of-many last week asking if I could publish a list of verses on taking every thought captive. She writes:

Hi Jennifer,

I have been blessed to come across your wonderful blog and printables. I’m a mama to 13 and glad to gain advice for all the many seasons I find myself in at once!

One area I know I need to strengthen is the battlefield of my mind. I need to hide God’s word in my mind to combat the postpartum mom brain that is trying to [simultaneously] parent young adults, children, and nursing babies with wisdom!

Do you have a printable with scriptures that speak to the idea of taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ? I’d love to have a sheet of verses I can post on my cupboard or tuck in my Bible.

Thank you for your investment in your family and in other moms and dads through your places of influence. 

Well, I know from experience how taxing it sometimes feels to be tending to so many various needs of so many various ages all at once, and this mama is right: Memorizing and mediating on scripture does help.

It keeps us well-grounded and reminds us to focus our attention on the things that matter most and provides a steady source of wisdom a mother so deeply needs each and every moment of ever day.

So, to that end, I’ve compiled the following set of verses that speak to the idea of renewing our minds and focusing our hearts upon our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

10 Verses to Help You Take Every Thoughts Captive

2 Corinthians 10:5 – “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ….”

Philippians 4:6-7 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Psalm 19:14 – “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.”

Romans 12:2 – “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good & acceptable & perfect.”

2 Corinthians 5:17 – “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new.”

Ephesians 4:22-24 – “…that, in reference to your former way of life, you are to rid yourselves of the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you are to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.”

Romans 8:5-6 – “For those who are in accord with the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are in accord with the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace….”

1 Peter 1:13 – “Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, set your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

Psalm 51:10 – “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Isaiah 26:3 – “The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You.”

As for a printable list of these verses to post on the bulletin board, here’s what I came up with:

Would you like matching scripture memory cards to tuck in your Bible? I’ve got you covered on that front, as well:

I made one version using the New American Standard translation (my favorite) and another in KJV, since I know lots of my friends prefer the lyrical meter of the King James version. To download both the flashcards and the single-page listing, just click on either of the buttons below:

click to download scriptures in NASBclick to download scriptures in kjv

The post Taking Every Thought Captive appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 46: Let Us Never Forget

In honor of Memorial Day, I’m sharing a couple of my favorite poems, to ensure we never forget the sacrifices of those who purchased our freedom with their blood.

Show Notes:VERSES CITED:John 15:13 – “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”1 John 3:16 – “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.”RELATED LINKS:The Boy Enlists by Edgar Albert Guest In Flanders Field by John McCraeLincoln’s Gettysburg Address Miss Congeniality on the Alamo stage STAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, lots of free printables!) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement in your roles as wife, mother, believer)Never Forget (Podcast Transcript)

Hello, Friend. And welcome to episode 46 of Loving Life at Home. Today is Monday, May 27. Memorial Day, and our family is heading back home after spending the weekend in San Antonio attending the RPT or Republican Party of Texas Convention with a short jog through Dallas … just long enough to cheer the Dallas Mavericks on to victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves in the NBA Playoffs last night.

My 86-year-old mother went to the game with us, even though it meant missing church last night, which she rarely does. But she herself played basketball in college and has been following the playoffs even closer than we have, so my husband insisted she come along.

That was my first NBA game ever, and It was a lot of fun.

We got to the arena nearly an hour early, so I brought along some needlework to do before the game started – a little quilted pennant banner that spells America which I plan to hang on my mantle from Memorial Day until the Fourth of July.

God Bless America

I started working on that at the RPT convention, to keep my hands busy  (and my mind alert) during those long caucus meetings and general sessions. I normally keep a small pair of folding scissors in my bag for snipping threads, but when we’d left home, I grabbed a very large, very sharp pair of titanium scissors instead, which are much better for cutting fabric.

Unfortunately, I forgot to take them out of my bag before heading to the convention center in San Antonio, which was a half-mile walk from our hotel. And – since I’ve had multiple pairs of those tiny folding scissors confiscated before being allowed to board planes of visiting government buildings – I was regretting bringing my good sewing shears to this big event and potentially losing them in similar fashion.

But then I spotted some of my fellow delegates walking into the convention with their open-carry holsters strapped around their legs and torsos and realized… nobody at the RPT convention was going to be one bit worried about my packing a pair of embroidery scissors, no matter how long their blades. None of us were required to pass through a metal detector or be patted down because the underwire of our bras set off some alarm.

Which was refreshing. Looking out over the crowd, I was reminded of that scene from Miss Congeniality where Sandra Bullock launches herself off the Alamo stage to tackle a man in the crowd because she glimpsed a gun strapped inside his jacket.

“We’re in Texas,” her exasperated handlers explain afterwards. “Everyone carries a gun in Texas. My florist has a gun!”

Contrast that with trying to get into the American Airlines Arena for the basketball game last night. We had to stand in a long line, surrender our bags for inspection, and pass through a metal detector before we were allowed inside the building. But – happily– I’d wisely left my scissors in the car for that event and just used my teeth for cutting threads while we were there.

A barbershop quartet sang the National Anthem before the game, which was really nice.

And all the speeches we heard at the convention were very patriotic, as well. They reminded us that the freedoms we enjoy in the US of A – although they were endowed by our Creator – have only been preserved at a high cost. And we should all recognize and cherish them as a great heritage that deserves our continued and vigilant protection.

I believe all of that whole-heartedly.

And so, in honor of Memorial Day, I want to share a couple of my favorite patriotic poems with you today. Both are available as free printables, which I’ll link in the show notes.

The first is a poem by Edgar Albert Guest called The Boy Enlists

The Boy Enlists

His mother’s eyes are saddened, and her cheeks are stained with tears,
And I’m facing now the struggle that I’ve dreaded through the years;
For the boy that was our baby has been changed into a man.
He’s enlisted in the army as a true American.

He held her for a moment in his arms before he spoke,
And I watched him as he kissed her, and it seemed to me I’d choke,
For I knew just what was coming, and I knew just what he’d done!
‘Another little mother had a soldier for a son.

When we’d pulled ourselves together, and the first quick tears had dried,
We could see his eyes were blazing with the fire of manly pride;
We could see his head was higher than it ever was before,
For we had a man to cherish, and our baby was no more.

Oh, I don’t know how to say it! With the sorrow comes the joy
That there isn’t any coward in the make-up of our boy.
And with pride our hearts are swelling, though with grief they’re also hit,
For the boy that was our baby has stepped forth to do his bit.

Edgar Albert Guest

I love that poem for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact I have a soldier for a son myself. But it’s also a good reminder that every man who has ever given his life in service to our country was somebody’s son. Every woman was someone’s daughter.

Often, when we see veterans on the news or meet them in real life, they are old with gray hair and wrinkles. But they didn’t look like that when they were first shipped overseas, and neither did their fallen comrades.

They looked more like the teens who sit across from me at the breakfast table every morning. Like my married sons and the fathers my grandchildren. Like my daughters who work long hours at the hospital taking care of patients. Or my daughters-in-law who spend their days at home training little ones.

And it breaks my heart to think of these strong, handsome young people who have their whole lives ahead of them laying down those lives in service to their country. But historically, that’s how it has played out. That’s what has happened.

Which brings me to the second poem I’d like to share today: In Flanders Fields by John McCrae

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

John McCrae

Isn’t that haunting? It was penned by an artillery commander and brigade doctor named  Major John McCrae, after he’d been called upon to conduct a burial service for a fallen comrade.

Legend has it that McCrae was dissatisfied with what he’d written. So he threw it in the trash!

We only know about it today because someone came behind him, pulled it out of the rubbish bin, and circulated it among friends and family members. The poem eventually found its way into a newspaper, and the rest — as they say — is history.

I’ve committed this one to memory, and so have several of my children. Not only is it a historically significant poem (and a beautiful song!), but it also bears our family’s name. And it was written by a man who, like my own dear husband, served his country as an army doctor. Such details make the poem just that much more special to our family.

John 15:13 reads,

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

And 1 John 3:16 tells us,

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.”

Of course, Jesus exemplified this principle, but so do the men and women we honor every year on Memorial Day.

May we never forget that America is “the land of the free because of the brave” — and because of God’s blessing. We owe a debt of gratitude to the men and women who have fought to secure and preserve our liberty, and especially to those laid down their lives on our behalf.

In the words of Abraham Lincoln, let us dedicate ourselves “to the great task remaining before us— that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain —that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom —and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

May God bless America and draw us all back to Himself.

The post EP 46: Let Us Never Forget appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 45: Don’t Waste the Crust

Three of my grandkids are visiting me this week, and we have lots of fun things planned: crafts to make, books to read, songs to sing, games to play, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to eat. And when we do that last activity? You’d better believe we won’t waste the crust.

To find out why, listen to today’s episode or scroll past the show notes to read a post I originally wrote on this topic nearly a decade ago.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:

–  “Pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18) 

– “These things I have spoken unto you that in Me ye might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) and…

– “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4)

– “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.” (1 Peter 2:2)

RELATED LINKS:

– Is eating bread crust really good for you? – this is the research article I told you about

– Suffering is Never for Nothing – a short but powerful read from Elisabeth Elliot

– I Married a Sinner (& So Did He) – here’s that cherished letter Elisabeth Elliot wrote to me

STAY CONNECTED:

– Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)

– Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great content

– Family Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, lots of free printables!) 

– Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement in your roles as wife, mother, believer)

Don’t Waste the Crust

I’ve never been one of those mothers who carefully pared the crust off the PBJ’s I served my children for lunch.

For well over 20 years now, I’ve been coaxing my kids to eat the crusts of their sandwiches using the following rationale:

It’s wasteful to leave them andThat’s where most of the vitamins are.

And for well over 20 years, my children have accepted my mother-wisdom at face value and at least feigned an attempt to cooperate with this imperative.

But not too long ago, a couple of my (young adult) children decided to question the validity of this claim.

“The crust is where the vitamins are?“ they repeated skeptically. “Seriously, Mom, that may be true of apple skins, but bread is bread. The entire loaf comes from a single batch of dough. The nutritional value is no different in the crust than it is in the middle.”

They’re smart kids. They’re also very articulate.

If you’d been sitting at our table that day, you might even have been inclined to agree with them….

But if you did, you would’ve been wrong, as they were. Fortunately, Siri was on my side for the ensuing debate.

I knew I’d read some relevant statistics on bread crust before, so I whipped out my trusty iPhone and within seconds had located this article which summarily proved my point: Cancer-fighting anti-oxidants are eight times more plentiful in the crust than in any other part of the bread.

So what if bread crust is tough and chewy or hard to swallow? It’s good for you. It’s rich in dietary fiber and in nutrients that help your body grow healthy and strong.

That’s the reason I keep serving it to my children, and it’s the reason they (mostly) keep eating it.

Unfortunately, we sometimes approach life the way kids approach sandwiches. We prefer the soft and cushy parts. If we could leave those tough parts untouched on our plate — or if we could talk our Heavenly Father into trimming off anything that seems difficult to swallow — we’d do it.

I’m as guilty of this mindset as anyone. I’ve always prayed that God would teach me the lessons I need to learn in the easiest, most gentle way possible.

I’ve secretly hoped that if I stay attuned to His still small voice, God won’t have to shout through the megaphone of pain to get my attention.

But guess what? The tough trials, the hard challenges, the parts of life that make us lose our appetite — often those are the very things God uses to mature us, to strengthen our faith, and to nourish our relationship with Him.

And trials come no matter how intently we listen for His voice or read our Bibles or follow His promptings. We can avoid suffering unnecessarily by walking close with Him, but we can’t avoid suffering altogether.

Jesus told his followers, “In the world you will have trouble” (John 16:33) — it’s not a question of if, but when, and how will we react when it comes?

Scripture tells us plainly how God expects us to respond. We are to:

“Pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18)-and-“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4)

Perfect. Complete. Lacking in nothing.

That’s God’s goal for us.

So next time you find yourself in a tough season of life, don’t let it go to waste. Trust that your Heavenly Father has a purpose in putting that difficulty on your plate and accept it with gratitude, knowing there are things you can get out of the hard parts of life that cannot be found in any other way.

Just dip it in the pure milk of the Word to make it easier to swallow. (1 Peter 2:2)

The post EP 45: Don’t Waste the Crust appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 44: How to Help Siblings become Better Friends

One of the first things people usually notice about our children is how well they get along. Sure, they have occasional squabbles, but that is the exception rather than the rule. For the most part, they really love and admire one another and enjoy being in each other’s company.

They are friends.

And cultivating friendship between siblings is the topic of this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home. I hope you’ll listen in!

Show NotesVERSES CITED:“All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness.” (2 Timothy 3:16)“A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.”  (Proverbs 17:17, NLT)“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”  (Ephesians 4:32, NASB)“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”  (1 Peter 3:8, NIV)“Behold how good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony.” (Psalm 133:1) RELATED LINKS:Cultivating Friendship Between Siblings – the original post upon which this episode is basedPimsleur Speak & Read Essential Spanish – we invested in multiple levels of multiple language CD sets, although now all these lessons are offered through a subscription service insteadStopping Sibling Squabbles – help for parents whose kids are constantly fightingHelp! My Children Won’t Stop Fighting – my response to a frequently asked reader question10 Nice Things I Can Do For My Sibling – a pretty blank printable to use with bickering kids15 Unexpected Benefits of Big Family Living – even more reasons I love having lots of childrenBest Bible Memory Tips & Tricks– smart ways to hide the Word in your children’s heartsPraying for Your Children from Head-to-Toe – pray over your child’s eyes, ears, heart, brain, etc.Praying for Your Teens – our teens need prayer, too!Praying for Adult Children – they never outgrow their need for a mother’s fervent prayersPraying for Your Unborn Baby – never too soon to start beseeching God on your child’s behalfPraying for Your Grandchildren – don’t forget to pray for your children’s children, as well!31-Day Prayer Challenge for Parents – pray a different verse over your children every dayBenefits of Homeschooling – even more reasons to give homeschooling a tryFAMILY GAMES MENTIONED:Bananagrams – a great game to strengthen spelling and vocabulary skillsBattle Sheep – a fun strategy game that can be played by 2-4 playersSo Clover – a game that stretches your ability to make associationsQ-Bitz – a clever strategy game that can be played alone or in a group

When people ask us how this came to be the case, we’re always quick to credit God’s grace. It’s a heartfelt answer, but not particularly helpful. So for parents who are searching for ways to encourage a deep and lasting friendship between their children, we offer eight practical suggestions:

Tips for Cultivating Friendships between SiblingsTurn off the TV

Have you ever noticed how poorly family members treat one another on sitcoms? Yet every snide remark is rewarded with liberal doses of canned laughter. If our children are raised on a steady diet of such fare, it shouldn’t surprise us when they emulate what they’ve been watching.

Even if the programing is good and wholesome, allowing children to watch too much of it precludes more meaningful, real-life interaction with their own family members. So switch off the set and make your own fun, instead.

Play Games Together

When you enter into your children’s world through play, you send them the message you enjoy being with them, and those warm feelings get sent back to you and shared with one another.

A few of our family favorites? Puzzles. Zombie tag. Spoons. Knock-Out. Chess. Checkers. Tea parties. Hearts. The Hat Game. Ultimate Frisbee. Putt-Putt Golf. Ping-Pong. Cabo. Bananagrams.

Allow for Kid-Directed Adventures

Sometimes our kids dream up things to do together that don’t include Mom and Dad: Build blanket forts. Ride bikes around the block or to the gas station for a treat. See how deep a hole they can dig in our backyard. Hike through the bamboo forest. Build bicycle ramps. Bake peanut-butter cookies. Sell lemonade on the street corner. Drive to Dallas to see Nana.

As long as the things our kids are asking to do are feasible and reasonably safe, we try to say yes to their requests. Not only do these sort of adventures build character, maturity, and confidence, but they bond siblings together in a special way that parent-directed activities alone cannot do… ( Read the rest of these tips for helping siblings become friends at flandersfamily.info)

The post EP 44: How to Help Siblings become Better Friends appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 43: A Sure-Fire Way to Wipe Out Whining

Do you have a child who is prone to whining? Thankfully, there is an effective way to help your little one break this bad habit. Listen to this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home to learn six surefire strategies to wipe out whining.

The material for this episode is taken from a post I wrote in April of 2011. Scroll past the show notes to read that original post in its entirety.

Show NotesRELATED VERSES: Philippians 2:14-15 – “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.”Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.”A Sure-Fire Way to Wipe Out Whining

If you’ve ever had a child who is given to whining, you know how grating it can get on the nerves of every member of the household.

We do our children no favors by letting them get away with such behavior; nevertheless, I think mothers, especially, are prone to make excuses for this bad habit: “He missed his nap. He’s feeling sick. He’s hungry.”

It’s time we crack down on all the constant complaining. Are you with me? Then join my campaign to wipe out whining. The task will take heaping helpings of the following ingredients:

Commitment

Explain to your little one that his behavior is making it hard for anyone to enjoy his company. Assure him that you love him regardless how he acts, but that you want other people to love him, too. Tell him that you plan to do whatever it takes to help him break his bad habit of whining.

Consequences

When parents give in to whining, they reward and reinforce such behavior. This must stop immediately. If you hope to help your child overcome this habit, you must make certain his whining never pays off. If he is begging for something he doesn’t really need, like candy at the checkout counter, then deprive him of it completely. If he is whining for something he genuinely does need, like a drink of water when he’s thirsty, then insist that he ask nicely before you give it.

Cheerfulness

Be careful to model a cheerful, happy disposition yourself. If you are angry and impatient in your responses to your child, your efforts to modulate his behavior will fall flat. In the above example, when your little boy whines for water, fill the cup, get down on his level, smile broadly, and prompt him, “Do you remember the nice way to ask?” Or simply say the words you want and let him parrot them back: “Water, please?” If you’ll teach your child how to say please in sign language (by rubbing his open hand on his chest in a circular motion), then you can even help him “say please” when he is too upset to utter the words. Gently guide his hand through the motion, then respond enthusiastically, “See? Isn’t that a much nicer way to ask?” as you give him his water.

Compassion

Keep in mind that language skills vary greatly from child to child. One two-year old may be able to say, “Mommy, I feel thirsty. May I have a small glass of water, please?” while the next can barely string two words together, especially when he’s upset. A child’s mind develops much faster than his ability to communicate, and the results can be frustrating for everybody involved. Ensure that older siblings are sensitive to this fact, as well. They must be made to realize that sometimes little brother whines because he doesn’t yet have the words to express, “I don’t like it when you tease me, so stop doing that!”

Consistency

You cannot crack down on whining one day, ignore it the next, reward it the following, and expect that approach to work. Consistency is of vital importance in conquering the bad habit of whining. But consistency is also important in children’s schedules, especially at this age. Young children are prone to be cranky whenever they are tired and/or hungry, so keeping to a predictable schedule for meals and naptimes will go a long way in helping your child maintain a more pleasant disposition throughout this “stage” of life.

Contentment

And last but not least, remember that we teach best by example. If you find yourself murmuring more than you care to admit or even throwing an occasional tantrum, it could mean that your child has come by his whining honestly. By focusing on the positive, we can replace inner grumbling and complaints with gratitude and contentment. Joy begets joy just as surely as discontent breeds discontent. Keep it up, and your children will eventually catch your enthusiasm for living.

UPDATE: Thanks for visiting, Pinterest users!I hope you’ll check out some of my other posts, visit my Family Website, or follow me on Facebook.

The post EP 43: A Sure-Fire Way to Wipe Out Whining appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 41: How I Met My Husband

Sadly, we have no photos from the day we met, but this one was taken before we were married the following year.

This is birthday week for our family: my daughter’s birthday is the 20th, mine’s the 21st, my husband’s is the 22, and we met on the 23rd. That last point — the story of how I met my husband — is the topic of today’s podcast. 

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Isaiah 55:18 – “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.”Proverbs 3:15-16 – “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”Proverbs 16:9 – “A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”RELATED LINKS:Ep 36: The Wrong Way to Propose MarriageHow I Met My Husband

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Hello friend, welcome to episode 41 of Loving Life at Home. Today is April 22nd, which happens to be my husband’s birthday. In fact, this is birthday week for our whole family. My youngest daughter’s birthday is April 20th, mine’s the 21st, Doug’s is the 22nd, and he and I met on the 23rd.

That was way back in 1986, just one day after he turned 19, and two days after I turned 21. So, just as I promised a couple of weeks ago, today I’m going to share with you the whole story about how I met my husband for anyone who might be interested in listening.

It’s the beginning of a wonderful love story that has only grown fuller and richer with every passing year.

Not for lack of trying…

Now, April 23rd is the day that we celebrate our meeting because that was the date of our first substantial conversation. But we’d been on the same college campus, Dallas Baptist University, for a year by that time, and Doug had actually tried before to introduce himself to me but was so smooth in the way he went about it that I hadn’t the foggiest idea that he was carefully orchestrating those meetings.

So, the first time he approached me was in the school cafeteria. I was seated at a table by myself, grabbing a quick bite to eat before heading to an evening class. But as soon as he walked in, Doug noticed I was alone.

I was sitting at a little four-top table, and he asked a mutual friend of ours named Tony to go and sit across from me. That way, when Doug came out of the food line holding his tray, he made a big show of looking around for a place to sit, then spotted his friend and came over, joined him, asked if there was anybody sitting there, and had Tony introduce him to me.

Unfortunately, I had no idea that the whole thing had been staged and assumed that Doug was there to discuss something with Tony. So, when another friend of mine, Eric, came over and took the fourth seat at our table, I spent the entire time talking to him to give the other two guys space to have their own conversation.

So, that didn’t really work out as planned.

Then, the second time that we met was during a time — I think I’ve told you before that when I was in college, I used to give free haircuts to the guys on campus that couldn’t afford one otherwise.

And so, there was a little hallway in the co-ed that had windows facing the parking lot, and I would set up shop there, and guys would line up (the ones that needed haircuts) once a month, I would cut everybody’s hair.

And so, Doug had evidently seen me through the windows, the plate glass windows, and came over to investigate and walked up and said, “Hey, can I be next?”

And I said, “Sure, get in line.”

I remember saying that, and for whatever reason, he didn’t get in line. So, I can’t see that that was really my fault that that conversation didn’t go anywhere because I was 100% ready to cut his hair (I cut all the guys’ hair that asked me to). But he didn’t stick around.

And so, that conversation fizzled too.

His reputation preceded him…

Fortunately, though, my sister had a class with Doug. There’s only two of us in our family. I only have one sister. And she and I went to the same college. I was two years ahead of her.

She’s Doug’s age, and they were both incoming freshmen and ended up having, I think, a biology class, something in the science department. They were in class together.

And so, fortunately, she came home one weekend and was telling my mom about different people she had met in class, and she started talking about this young man, Doug Flanders, who was pre-med. He’s really, really smart. Tall, dark, handsome. I don’t remember what else she said that night, maybe something about him being friendly or funny or a great conversationalist. I really don’t remember.

But I’m really glad that she had class with him because his schedule did not intersect with mine at all.

As I’ve mentioned before, my dad made having a bachelor’s degree a prerequisite to receiving his blessing on any future marriage plans that I might have. I didn’t want that to be a holdup, and I just knocked myself out trying to get through as quickly as possible.

So, by the semester that I met my husband, all I had left was a handful of electives, including a course in nutrition that met one evening a week. That’s the one I was going off to the time he met me in the cafeteria. And I can’t remember, maybe a statistics course. It was only about 12 hours by that last semester.

Making beautiful music…

But one of the classes that I was taking was– I was singing with a touring group that represented Dallas Baptist and sang in area churches and at different events. And so, actually, that was what attracted me to Dallas Baptist in the first place.

This touring group came to my church when I was in high school and sang for the church. And I got to talk to some of the people that were from that college. That’s what put DBU on my radar.

Actually, it was DBC at that time. It hadn’t even gotten university status when I started. So, Dallas Baptist College, I thought, oh, this is close to home. And I had my SAT scores sent there. And they called and offered me a full scholarship. And so, of course, I’m going to say yes.

And that’s where I ended up going to school.

But anyway, I had always thought that it would be really great to sing with this touring group, this Day Spring, that had first come to my church. I wanted to do the same thing, but I didn’t want to do it every single semester I was there because I knew that music courses ended up demanding a lot of hours for very few hours of credit.

Anybody that’s ever taken piano or choir or composition classes, they can tell you, it is a lot of work for not a lot of hours as far as school credit goes. And so, I did definitely want to sing with Day Spring. But I wanted to get all my other coursework behind me first.

So, I worked, worked, worked, and got through taking, I think I told you before, as many as 27 hours in a single semester so that I could be done with that degree and mark that off my list of things that I had to do before I was allowed to marry. And so, I saved even trying out for Day Spring until my final semester.

So, that semester, I was singing with this touring group. And it just so happened that we sang in chapel a couple of weeks before graduation. And after our performance, I went back to the co-ed, which was in the middle of the girls’ dorms, this co-ed area.

The boys were not allowed into the girls’ rooms, but they could come to this little meeting area in the middle of the three dorms. And we’d have movie nights and stuff like that in this big common area.

And so, I had gone back to that common area and was sitting there. I remember distinctly, I was looking at my calendar. Graduation was coming up. I was making plans for the future. And at the time that Doug walked up behind me, I had my calendar flipped open to the back where I kept a list of frequently misspelled words.

And I was adding the word privilege to the list. Privilege, I always want to put a D before the G, and it does not have a D. And so, I was writing myself a reminder of how privilege is actually spelt: P-R-I-V-I-L-E-G-E.

And he came up and said, “Jennifer?”

And so, I turned and looked up at him, and he said, “My name’s Doug Flanders, and I just wanted to tell you that you sang really pretty today in chapel.”

And I said, “Oh, thank you.”

And he kind of stared at me a little bit and nodded and then turned to leave. About the time he did, it sunk in on what my sister had told me about this fellow student of hers named Doug Flanders. And so, I said, “Wait a minute. Did you say Doug Flanders?”

And he turns back around with this huge smile on his face and says, “Yes, I did!”

And I said, “I think I’ve heard about you.” And he came around to the front of where I was sitting at the couch and sat on the table right in front of me. And we started talking, and we talked, I kid you not, for three hours we talked that first meeting.

And he is such an animated storyteller — still is — and such a great conversationalist that I remember thinking, I wish that that conversation never had to end.

But eventually it did.

Parting is such sweet sorrow…

He said, “I’m so sorry, but I’ve got to go do my laundry.”

So I sadly said, “Well, it was nice meeting you” and waved goodbye. And he headed off across the parking lot.

Now, normally I studied either sitting in the co-ed or (usually) up in my room where I could have peace and quiet. This semester was a little different. Like I said, I didn’t have nearly the heavy course load that I had had in prior semesters.

So when he left, I decided for the first time in my three years on campus that I would just sit out on the front porch of the co-ed and study there. I had never done that the whole time we had lived there, but it would allow me to see which car he got into and keep my eye open for when he came back.

As fortune would have it, I am no good at cars at all. I know their color, and that’s about it. If you ask me what kind of car somebody drives, I might be able to tell you the color and basic shape, if it’s a van or a truck or a car. But I’m no good at cars.

My children are baffled by that because they know all the different cars, and so does my husband, but I don’t.

It worked out great, though, because his car was truly one of a kind. I don’t know what make it was. He could tell you. I really don’t know, but it was two-tone. It had a white roof, and then it had this neon blue body that looked like it had been painted with a can of spray paint.

It was really quite hideous, but it was transportation. It got him where he needed to go. So he got into this car that was so easy for me to spot.

I knew immediately when he left campus and got back on campus, and so I sat there studying all afternoon, hoping to get just one more glimpse of this smart, handsome young man who was so much fun to talk to. And before too long, a couple of hours passed, and I saw his car pull up on top of the hill, and he went and got a parking place.

But instead of getting out and walking with his clean laundry over to the boys’ dorm like I assumed he would, he got out, left the laundry in the car, and started walking straight for me, which delighted me but also startled me a little bit.

And he walked right up to the co-ed and to where I was sitting, and he said, “Oh, hi, Jennifer. I got you this,” and passed me a card. It was a belated birthday card that he had gotten while he was out, and it just said something to the effect that he really enjoyed our conversation and looked forward to having many more in the future.

So that was so sweet, and it really stole my heart right away because I am a big letter writer too, and this was, I thought, evidence that he was as well. Now, he doesn’t write that many letters now that we are married. I could probably count on one hand the number of real handwritten letters I’ve gotten since we exchanged vows. But back when we were in college — that was before texting and email and all that kind of stuff — and I graduated two weeks after we met, and he worked in Arlington all summer and went to school there, and I was back in Mesquite, although I did take some courses in Arlington.

Even though I had just graduated, I went ahead and took genetics over the summer just because I was interested in it, and I was (more importantly) interested in him, and he was taking it, so we took that course together over at UTA.

Gaging interest levels…

But he would write letters to me all the time that I really, really appreciated, and so at this point, I just thought, oh, he’s a letter writer, and he’s a friendly person, and that was really all, in my mind, that I thought was on his end of it.

I knew that I was very interested in him, but I didn’t dream that he’d really be interested in me.

First of all, I was two years and a day older than he was, which seemed like an insurmountable age gap to me at that time.

Second, my sister had always had a swarm of interested guys buzzing around her. Even in grade school, they would line up, vying for the privilege to carry her books home from school, and I, on the other hand, had perfected the science of repelling would-be suitors. If my nearly six-foot stature didn’t scare them off, all my direct questions about family planning and having children and homeschooling certainly did that job!

And then, third, I didn’t really date. It wasn’t a matter of principle so much as it was a statement of fact, but Doug was undeterred.

Everybody on campus knew I didn’t date, mainly because as a Bible-believing Christian, I knew that I would be expected to submit to whatever man I married, and I did not want to risk falling in love with somebody that didn’t share my values in life. I wanted to make that job of submission as easy as I possibly could by picking somebody that was going exactly where I wanted to go anyway, and so there just weren’t that many guys that I was confident I would want to follow, so I didn’t date, and Doug had heard that I didn’t date, and so his approach to me was, “Well, I know that you don’t date, so how can we spend time together so that I can get to know you?”

And that was the first inkling that he might actually be interested in me was when he asked me that question.

He said, “Would it be okay for us to study together, say, at the library?”

And I said, “Yes, I think that would be fine.”

He said, “What about going to church together? Could we go to church together? Attend services together?”

And I said, “Yes, that sounds fine, too.”

And he was just so suave that, before long, we were doing all those things together.

Falling head over hills for him…

The first time that we walked across campus to head to the library for a study session, I tripped on our way to the library. I just stumbled. I didn’t fall flat on my face, but I stumbled, and it was awkward and very noticeable, and Doug said, “Oh, my goodness, our kids are going to be so clumsy!”

Inside, I thought, our kids? Our kids? It was delightful to hear him say that, but outside, I said, “Our kids? Isn’t that a little bit presumptuous?”

And he said, “Oh, oh, I just mean, you’re clumsy; I’m clumsy. Your kids are probably going to be clumsy, and so will mine.” He covered for it, but he had already shown his hand, and I knew what he meant, and I was definitely thinking that direction by that time already as well.

And so we did find ways, creative ways to spend time together. We studied together. We attended church together, and we took classes, summer classes together.

I graduated two weeks later but, again, I took summer classes with him over at UTA. And then he signed up for an EMT (emergency medical technician) training course, down at Baylor. That was between Arlington and my house in Mesquite, and so I signed up for the same course, and we became EMTs together. And so we found ways to spend time together and to get to know one another and all that.

Well, my kids have heard all these stories more times than they can count, but I didn’t realize that they shared those stories with other people until a couple of months ago. I was in a group of other ladies, and one of them asked me about how I met my husband.

I was telling some of the stories of our meeting, and a mutual friend that was also there said, “Jennifer, Jennifer, tell them about the time you tripped and fell.”

I said, “How did you know I tripped and fell?”

And she said, “One of your girls told me about it. It’s such a sweet story. Tell everybody about what Doug said.”

I said, “Well, Doug wasn’t there for that.”

And this lady’s daughter on the couch audibly gasped, like that was destroying her picture of how it all went down!

But what they did not understand is how common an occurrence my tripping was. When I tripped with Doug, I didn’t fall. I just stumbled and caught myself. It was awkward, but I didn’t get injured or fall flat on my face or anything like that. But one time coming down the steps from the co-ed, it was snowy and icy, and I did. I was in a dress and high heels, and my feet flew right out from under me, and I did.

I tripped, and I fell, and I bounced down the stairs, and I ripped my hose, and it was all in front — this was before I met Doug — it was in front of a guy that I was interested in at the time. And I was just mortified.

But clearly this woman didn’t understand how common an occurrence it was that I would trip on campus. Doug was absolutely right: I was very clumsy, and it’s only by a miracle of God that our kids aren’t clumsy.

Actually, they’re all very well-coordinated. There’s one who wants to claim the clumsy title, but I think even she’s very graceful. But most of them are very athletic and very well-coordinated and do not take after their mother at all, so I’m grateful for that.

The Lord directs our steps…

Another interesting part of this story is how Doug was even on campus at Dallas Baptist to start with.

That’s interesting because he really is brilliant. He is such a smart man and graduated very high in his class and did really well in all his aptitude tests and SATs and ACTs and all that sort of stuff. But he was being raised by a Baptist preacher and a stay-at-home mom, so the idea of having thousands and thousands of dollars to send somebody to college was not a reality for him.

So when he was getting ready to apply, he had always dreamed of going to an Ivy League school, and I’m so grateful he didn’t because he would not be the same person today if he had gone to any of those liberal institutions. That would not be an asset in my mind. It would be a liability

But he really wanted to go to an Ivy League school, and his dad had told him, “Oh, you shouldn’t even bother applying…”

Not “because we can’t afford it.” He didn’t say that.

He said, “You shouldn’t bother applying because so-and-so’s son [whom my husband knows], so-and-so’s son applied, and he didn’t get into any of them, and he’s much smarter than you are, so you wouldn’t get in either.” That’s how he phrased it, which baffles me.

But the closest he could come to is just applying to schools in Texas, So he had applied to Rice and had gotten an academic scholarship to Rice. They offered him a full tuition scholarship, but it did not cover room and board.

So that was his plan — to go to Rice in Houston and study there. Whereas I, ever since Day Spring had come to my church, had planned on going to Dallas Baptist. So if we had both carried out the plans that we had made in our own hearts, then we might never have crossed paths.

But God’s ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and in his providence, Doug, who was on an academic decathlon team in high school, ended up having to travel to Dallas Baptist for one of the regional events or maybe even the state competition for academic decathlon. He doesn’t remember even filling out any kind of form for financial aid or application to be accepted there or not. We’re just assuming they got his name because he was on campus for this event.

But, again, he was all raring to go to Rice and didn’t even consider applying anywhere else in Texas. But he was sitting at home one day and got a letter from Dallas Baptist offering him a full-ride scholarship, not just for tuition and fees, but also for room and board. He started to tear that thing in half because, of course, he was going to Rice. That was already settled.

But he happened to remember his father’s words to him about how this other friend was so much smarter, and he just decided that he’d like to gloat a little bit and prove to his father that some people thought he was smart, even if Dad didn’t.

So he brings the letter to his father and says, “Look here, Dad, this college thinks I’m pretty smart. They’re willing to give me a full-ride scholarship!”

And his father looks over that letter and says, “Oh, what a provision from God! This is what you need to do. This is where you need to go. This is an answer to prayer. This is a sign from God, and you need to go to Dallas Baptist!”

Then Doug was backpedaling, “Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m already signed up to go to Rice. I’ve already made plans to go to Rice.”

And his dad said, “Listen, this place will pay for everything, and Rice was only giving you the tuition scholarship. We were going to have to really stretch to help you with the rest, but now it’s not necessary. You can go to Dallas Baptist, and it won’t cost us a cent.” So in his mind, it was made up.

In Doug’s mind, he’s thinking, Why, oh, why did I bother to show my father that letter? But, of course, God was even using that silly little bit of pride in my husband that wanted to prove a point to his dad to direct his steps.

The Bible talks in Proverbs 3:5-6, “So trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your steps.”

And then in Proverbs 16:9, it says, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” We definitely see that at work in getting Doug to Dallas Baptist.

More answers to prayer…

Now, as I’ve mentioned before, I was really hoping to meet Mr. Right before I graduated. And by God’s providence, I did. But as graduation was nearing, I didn’t have any idea that that was going to be the case, and so I had had a couple of job offers.

My degree was in math, and I had contacts through a couple of professors for some very nice career-kind of jobs in actuarial science or the like. And so they were trying to talk me into taking a job.

I really, really didn’t want to get out in the workforce and have people think that a career was what was important to me because I really wanted to get married and have children and homeschool my kids, and so I looked at what I could do to buy some time until the right guy showed up, still not knowing that he was going to show up so soon, and I applied to do my master’s work at SMU.

SMU was also still there in the Dallas area, so I could live at home and attend class at SMU. They’d pay me a stipend. I could teach business calculus labs and go to school, and that would keep me busy for two more years. And maybe within the course of those two years, I would meet the man I was going to marry and not have to get out and get a job in the workforce. So that’s what I did.

And I had been accepted at SMU, and so that first year that we were dating (or pretending that we didn’t date but spending all of our free time together), that’s what I did. I went to SMU and taught business calculus labs, and meanwhile, we were doing everything we could to spend time together.

One of the first gifts that Doug ever gave me was a complete set of Charles Spurgeon sermons. I’m a big advocate for making sure there’s not more surprises than are necessary after you marry. We talked about everything under the sun before we ever married or even seriously considered — well, I can’t say that; we were already considering marriage the first week we met, obviously, individually.

But before we got too far and deep into those discussions about a possible future together, there were a lot of things that I wanted assurances about and to know where he stood on: things like family planning, whether he wanted to use birth control or was open to leaving that in God’s hands, whether he was open to homeschooling his kids or letting his wife homeschool his kids, whether he wanted his wife to be out in the workforce or whether he was okay with a stay-at-home mom, and also theology.

I was a firm believer in the doctrines of grace, and so we discussed a lot of Reformed ideas. And we would read Spurgeon’s sermons and the works of other great Reformers aloud to one another and discuss them. And we had lots of other productive conversations on many other important topics.

But the majority of those talks took place in the months that followed my graduation. Back in April, in the weeks immediately following our birthdays, we were busy with finals and end-of-the-year concerts and banquets, and we had to squeeze in conversations during study sessions or travel time to and from church.

So two weeks later, my parents are on campus for the graduation festivities and commencement exercises and that sort of thing, and so they got to meet Doug for the first time. And I remember my mother telling me that, as they left, she said, “Oh, no, I forgot to tell Doug it was nice to meet him.”

And my dad shook his head and said, “Don’t worry, Cherree, you’ll get another chance. I think we’re going to be seeing a lot more of that young man.”

And they did. We were engaged within a year. I talked about that a couple of episodes ago. I’ll link that in the show notes for you. And then we’re married the following August, and I’m so, so thankful that God orchestrated all of that just the way he did and is so good to provide.

I didn’t think I could be any happier or love Doug any more than I did the day I married him. But with each passing year, my respect for this man just grows deeper and deeper, and my love for him more and more full. And I’m so very grateful that God answered my prayers in giving me the husband he did.”

Thanks so much for listening today. If you have a question you’d like to hear covered on this podcast, message me on Instagram at @flanders_family or contact me through my website, lovinglifeathome.com.

Before you go, if you’ve been encouraged by something you’ve heard on the show, do me a favor and forward the link to a friend or head over to Loving Life at Home on Apple iTunes to subscribe and leave a written review of the show. Your doing so will help others find me so they can listen too.

Until next time, I pray the Lord will bless your efforts to build a loving home life centered on him.

The post EP 41: How I Met My Husband appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 40: The Art of Setting Worthwhile Goals

Goals are important because they provide a sense of purpose and direction. Proverbs 16:9 assures us “A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”

So even when you aren’t 100% sure what the LORD would have you do with your time, I recommend prayerfully setting a worthwhile goal and working toward it. As long as you hold your plans lightly, you can trust God to redirect you if that is what needs to happen.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:1 Corinthians 9:24-27 – “Do you not know that those who run in a race all run….”James 4:13-15 – “Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this ….”Proverbs 16:9 – “A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”Psalm 37:23-24 – “The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD….”      Proverbs 14:23 – “In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.”Proverbs 29:18 tells us, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” Isaiah 28:10 – “…precept upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line….” Philippians 2:3-4 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit….”James 4:17 – “Therefore to him that knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin.”  1 Corinthians 10:31 – “Whether then you eat or drink… do all to the glory of God.”   Galatians 6:9 – “Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap….”Joshua 1:9 – “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged….” Hebrews 11:40 – “Since God had planned something better for us….”MISCELANEOUS QUOTES:“If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” – Zig Ziglar“Watch your nickels and dimes, and the dollars will take care of themselves.” – John Nobles“By the inch, life’s a cinch. By the yard, life is hard.” – unknown“You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” – Henry Ford“A good plan executed today is better than a perfect plan executed at some indefinite point in the future.” – Gen. George Patton“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison“Many of life’s failures are people who didn’t realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” – Thomas Edison“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas EdisonRELATED LINKS: 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband – The Power of Habit  by Charles Duhigg Free Goal Planning Sheets – free printableProgress Tracking Chart – free printable How to Set Worthwhile Goals

We should begin by defining what we mean by GOAL. The dictionary definition reads like this:

(in football, soccer, rugby, hockey, and some other games) a pair of posts linked by a crossbar, often with a net attached behind it, forming a space into or over which the ball has to be sent in order to score.the object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result

For the purposes of today’s podcast, I’d like you to picture your goal as:

A targetSomething you’re shooting for orA vision of what you hope to accomplish.

In 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, Paul writes,

“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They do so to obtain a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way as not to run aimlessly; I box in such a way, as to avoid hitting air; but I strictly discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.”

Goals are important because they give us purpose and direction.

Making Plans

We’ve graduated ten of our twelve children so far, and I’ve always found it interesting to hear the young students in their graduating classes talk about their plans for the future.

Some of them don’t seem to have a clue as to what they’ll do after graduation. If you ask them, some might shrug or say they’re just waiting for the Lord to show them what to do next. Others have their entire lives mapped out in their minds.

Like Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life, they’re “shakin’ the dust of this crummy little town off [their feet and they’re] gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then, [they may] come back here to go to college and see what they know. And then [they’re] gonna build things: airfields… skyscrapers a hundred stories high… bridges a mile long…”

You know the line.

Either way, James 4:13-15 provides some good counsel:

“Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”     

Even if you aren’t 100% sure what God would have you do with your life, I recommend setting a reasonable goal and working toward it.

As long as you hold your plans lightly, you can trust Him to redirect you if that is what needs to happen.

Proverbs 16:9 assures us…

“A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”

And Psalms 37:23-24 states,

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.”Target Practice

Last January, my youngest daughter and I attended a mother-daughter retreat with several girls from our homeschool co-op and their moms, and we were able to do a little target practice during our free time while we were at the retreat center. 

We practiced shooting rifles as well as bows and arrows. I was not very adept at either sport, but my daughter did pretty well – especially at archery.

So when we’re talking about taking aim at our goals, I want you to picture an archer with a quiver full of arrows slung across his back as he grips a compound bow.

There’s no way that archer is ever going to hit his target if he never fits an arrow to his string, is there?

He may talk the talk: “You just hide and watch. Someday, I’m going to hit it big.”

But that won’t become a reality unless he actually shoots.

As Proverbs 14:23 points out,

“In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.”

Or as Zig Ziglar observed, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.”

So our archer needs to take an arrow out of his quiver and fit it to his string. That’s the first step.

But that action alone is not enough, is it? Because if he stands with his back to the target when he lets that arrow fly, he’s going to miss his mark for sure.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who take THIS approach to meeting their goals. Their actions they take don’t line up with their stated goals at all.

Take for instance all the pre-med students you’ll find in just about any freshman class. Some of these students are serious. They study hard, make the grades, do great.

But others aren’t willing to put in the necessary work to make it happen. They party and skip class and miss assignments and fail their tests. And there isn’t a med school in the country that will take them seriously if they maintain those bad habits throughout their college years.

Our actions broadcast to others what our TRUE priorities are.

Jennifer Flanders

If I tell you I want to lose weight, but every time you see me, I’m gorging on chocolate. You know that I’m not really committed to my stated goal of shedding unwanted pounds…my REAL priority is satisfying a sweet tooth

Same goes for my husband, only he won’t be eating chocolate…he’ll be eating sour patch kids.

Serious about reaching your goals?Spend your time doing things that carry you toward themWant to be a best-selling author?Put pen to paper and actually write that bookWant to make A’s in school?Set aside the video games & crack open the textbooksWant to get in shape?Stop eating junk food, get off the couch & get some exerciseAlign Actions with Goals

So, how can we make our actions line up with our stated goals?

 Focus on the goalDon’t get distractedWrite it downPray about it

This is exactly what our archer needs to do if ever he is going to hit the target: Turn around and face it, focus on it undistractedly, and pray that God will help him shoot straight.

Proverbs 29:18 tells us,

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.”Get a CLEAR Vision

Which is why you should ask God to give you a CLEAR vision of what He wants you to accomplish…

C = Concrete

Your vision needs to be CONCRETE. Don’t waste time with goals that are vague or ambiguous. Make sure your goals are well-defined and specific.

NOT “I want to lose weight” BUT: “I’m going to give up sugar and ride my bike for 20 minutes 5 days a week.”NOT: “I want to be a better wife” BUT: “I’m going to read 25 Ways to Communicate Respect [which I’ll link in the shownotes] and focus on implementing one chapter a week until it becomes a habit.”

That’s what I mean by CONCRETE: Clearly defined and unambiguous.

L = Logical

Next, our goals should be LOGICAL.

They should be in line with our long term vision – Winning first place in a hot dog eating contest is a concrete goal, but if my larger objective is to be a trim, healthy mama, then scarfing down 50 frankfurters in a single sitting makes is not going to help my fitness goals.They should make sense (at least to you) – Logical also means it should make sense – at least to you. I remember seeing a movie in which one character only worked out one side of his body. Everyone else thought that was crazy, but he wanted to see how much bigger his muscles would get if he lifted weights…. so that strategy made perfect sense to him. Similarly, when my husband and I were newlywed, the idea of forgoing all forms of birth control didn’t make sense to a lot of people, including both sets of our parents and lots other very vocal friends and family members – but that’s okay. We don’t expect everybody to share our goal. But shunning birth control made perfect sense to us because we were determined to trust God with our fertility just like we trust Him with our salvation and our health and our finances. And leaving our family planning up to God seemed like a logically consistent thing for us to do.They should be large enough to be a challenge – Your goals should definitely stretch you.They should be small enough to be attainable – Which is why we try to break bigger goals into bite-sized pieces. One way to break big goals into little ones is to make them time-oriented rather than task oriented. You may not have a huge block of time to devote to completing a difficult task like writing a book or cleaning out the garage or teaching your child college algebra all at once, but you can set aside small amounts of time and work toward that end by spending 15 minutes a day emptying a box stored in your garage or half an hour developing your book idea or twenty minutes doing multiplication drills and covering a math lesson with your grade schooler.

Isaiah 28:10 talks about adding “precept upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, there a little….” That’s because slow, steady incremental steps add up to significant progress over time.

My grandfather always said, “Watch your nickels and dimes, and the dollars will take care of themselves.”

The same is true of time: “Watch your hours and days, and the years will take care of themselves.”

Or, as another wise person observed, “By the inch, life’s a cinch. By the yard, life is hard.”

Elmore John Leonard, Jr. was an American novelist and screenwriter. His earliest novels, published in the 1950s, were Westerns, but Leonard went on to specialize in crime fiction and suspense thrillers. A reporter once asked him, “How do you write such interesting books?”

And I love his response: “I just leave out all the boring stuff.”

That’s a great principle for time management, as well. How do you accomplish so much in a day? You just cut out all the time wasters.

Did you know…

Average American spends 3 hrs/day watching TVAverage American teen sends 60 texts a day (with teen girls closer to 100 texts/day)Teens spend 5 hours a day on social mediaThey spend  8-9 hrs/day using electronic media(that’s as much as a full-time job)350+ million users suffer from Facebook addictionInstagram users upload 95 million images each and every day

That’s a lot of time and energy that could be redirected to more productive activities.

E = Ethical

Of course, our goals should also be ethical. It does us no good if we set concrete, logical goals that are illegal or immoral.

Instead, we should think BIG by making sure our goals are beneficial to others, intrinsically good, and glorifying to God.

Beneficial to Others – Stop and consider how our goals and actions might benefit the people around us:

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. - Philippians 2:3-4

Intrinsically Good – James 4:17 speaks to the fact we should devote ourselves to doing good:

"Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin." - James 4:17

Glorifying to God. – And 1 Corinthians 10:31 makes it clear that glorifying God should also take priority:

"Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31A = Active

We should also make a point to set active goals.

Active v. Passive – “I will do such and such…” v. “I’ll stop doing thus and so…”

From a practical standpoint, it’s easier to replace a bad habit with a good habit than to just stop doing the bad thing.

Charles Duhigg provided all sorts of scientific data backing up that fact in his groundbreaking book The Power of Habit (which I highly recommend reading and will link in today’s show notes)

But we must also contrast

Action v. Intention – Don’t just think about doing something, actually do it.

I think it was Henry Ford who said, “You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” At some point, you’ve got to stop planning and get to work.

General George Patton once observed, “A good plan executed today is better than a perfect plan executed at some indefinite point in the future.”

Better is a good plan in action than a perfect plan on paper.

We’re getting ready to take a big family road trip – and a lot of planning has gone into getting ready for it. But if all I did was daydream about where I wanted to go, that trip would never come to fruition.

So, instead, we saved up the money. My husband requested the time off from work. I mapped out a route that will take us where we want to go. I made reservations for all our stops along the way. My husband will service the van while I pack the bags, then – when the time comes — we’ll load everyone into the car and be on our way.

R = Rewarding

And my last tip for goal planning is to pick a goal that is rewarding.

By rewarding, I don’t necessarily mean you’ll gain recognition or appreciation. There may not be any accolades involved.

And you may not even particularly enjoy the process – which is certainly true of the half marathon I completed in February and the full marathon my husband and I ran 20+ years ago.  I’ve never experienced a runner’s high and don’t particularly enjoy plodding along for hours on end. But I do enjoy the benefits of increased energy and lowered heart rate and improved health that accompanied my training.

But beyond the warm fuzzies or blue ribbons your efforts may or may not garner you, the goals you set should give you a sense of purpose and perspective and satisfaction over working toward a goal that is bigger than yourself.

And we also need to recognize that many if not most of those kinds of goals aren’t necessarily accomplished on our first try. Some may literally take a lifetime, and we will need an extra measure of endurance to keep at them without giving up or becoming discouraged.

Picture that archer we were talking about at the beginning. He’s finally facing in the right direction. His attention is fully focused on the goal. He fits the arrow to his string and sends it sailing through the air, only to fall short of his mark.

What will his response be then? What would yours be? Will you throw up your hands in disgust and quit in frustration? Will you cry,“This is useless” – forget the whole thing….  pack your bags and go home?

That’s how lots of people react to failure…. But you’ll never reach your goal if that’s your response.

Take a page out of Thomas Edison’s book, instead. Did you know he tested thousands of designs without success while trying to create a lightbulb? Yet his response was this: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Don’t you admire his grit?

He also said, “Many of life’s failures are people who didn’t realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

And another of his quotes I love is this: “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

We’d all love to be instantaneously successful. But that rarely happens. Most people who appear to be overnight successes have actually been plodding away at their goals for years before catching a big break.

And that’s the kind of tenacity I want to show, as well.

As Galatians 6:9 entreats us,

“Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we don’t lose heart.”

Joshua 1:9 is another good one: “

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

You may have heard it said that success is its own reward. And that’s undoubtedly true.

But doing the right thing for the right reason and making slow, steady progress is a reward in itself, even if you never completely achieve the goal you were aiming for. Each time you shoot and hit the mark, then step forward to retrieve your arrow, you’re just that much closer to the target and that much more likely to hit it on your next try.

But even if we never get the bulls eye we were hoping for, we are better off for having tried. There is honor in the effort. Hebrews chapter 11 is filled with such stories. Sometimes called the hall of faith, it recounts the lives of countless saints who came before us – men and women of faith who did not live to see the earthly fulfilment of what they’d hoped for, “since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.”

So prayerfully set goals but hold them with an open hand. Make a plan and stick with it as long as the LORD allows. Invest your time wisely. Make sure the things you’re doing daily are carrying you in the direction you want to go.

Take into consideration the needs of those around you. Don’t get discouraged when you face setbacks or don’t progress as quickly as you’d hoped. Just keep on praying. Keep on working. Keep on trusting. And leave the results to God.

The post EP 40: The Art of Setting Worthwhile Goals appeared first on Loving Life at Home.