Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 6

EP 70: Unwrapping Cancer for Christmas

This year, I got an early Christmas “gift” that was a far cry from what any woman would hope for. I got a breast cancer diagnosis. And I’ve been unwrapping it all week. So today, I’m sharing the thoughts that have encouraged me, in hopes that they might give others hope who find themselves dealing with similarly difficult situations over the holidays or during any other season of life.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Colossians 1:16-17 – “For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created by Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.”John 10:28-29 – “I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them out of My hand. / My Father who has given them to Me is greater than all. No one can snatch them out of My Father’s hand.”Romans 8:28 – “And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.”Proverbs 24:5 – “The wise prevail through great power, and those who have knowledge muster their strength.”Proverbs 24:6 – “Only with sound guidance should you wage war, and victory lies in a multitude of counselors.”Matthew 6:34 – “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”Philippians 4:7 – “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”Psalm 139:16 – “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.”Ephesians 2:10 – “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”Psalm 90:12 – “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.”Psalm 127:2 – “It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.”RELATED LINKS: Suffering by Paul David Tripp“Leaning on the Everlasting Arms”“How Firm a Foundation” Unwrapping Cancer for Christmasfull Transcript for Episode 70

Hello, Friend.

Welcome to Episode 70 of Loving Life at Home.

Christmas is only two days away, so for this week’s topic, I want to discuss Christmas gifts – especially the kind of gift you sometimes get that you’d never put on a wish list.

The kind that, when you unwrap it, you have to glue a smile on your face as you say, “Oh… thank you…. You shouldn’t have!” By which you really mean, “I wish you wouldn’t have.”

Have you ever received a gift like that?

My husband gave me such a gift right after the first of our 12 children was born. It was a beautiful but very impractical dress.

It had a high neck that buttoned up the back (so it would be impossible to breastfeed in discreetly). It had a very wide, close-fitting waist (which meant it wouldn’t fit at all during pregnancy or early post-partum). It had suede accents on the collar, cuffs, and waistband (which meant the dress would have to be dry cleaned only and would likely be ruined the first time baby spit up on me or had a diaper blow out). And it also carried a $100 price tag (which was a lot of money back then, especially as we were living on school loans at the time).

Honestly, the dress was very pretty, and if Doug had spotted it for a couple of bucks at a garage sale, it would probably still be hanging in my closet. But spending a hundred dollars on a dress I would seldom wear was an unwelcome extravagance at that stage of my life, so I convinced my husband to take the dress back and use the money to buy me something I would get a lot more pleasure and use out of: an electric band saw!

Well, this year, I got an early Christmas “gift” that was a far cry from what any woman would hope for. I got a breast cancer diagnosis.

It didn’t come from my husband; it came from my Father – my heavenly Father. From God. Or, at the very least, it passed through His hand before it was allowed to touch me.

And as much as I might love to send it back or exchange it for something more to my liking, I’m stuck with it for the time being.

I’ve heard from people who would know that a cancer diagnosis brings on a fresh kind of grief all its own. And some of my friends who’ve been through it experienced all five stages of grief we read about in school:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

My diagnosis is new, so maybe some of those feeling are still forthcoming for me. But my initial responses haven’t followed that trajectory at all.

Instead, I’ve spent the week alternately…

Crying Uncontrollably,
Asking Lots of Questions,
Notifying Loved Ones,
Coordinating Medical Appointments,
Entrusting My Future to God, and
Resting | Recuperating | Redeeming the Time.

So, just in case you are dealing with a similar unwished-for “gift” or end up receiving such a gift in the future, I want to walk you through my thought-processes in all these areas, while confidently offering encouragement that God is still in control. No hardship we face will ever take Him by surprise or catch Him off-guard.

And, because I love acrostics, you’ll notice the first letters of these responses spell out cancer…. C-A-N-C-E-R. So let’s start with the first C, which is for

Crying Uncontrollably

No matter how firm your faith in God or how well you know the truth or how hard you try not to cry, don’t be surprised if the tears flow freely and unbidden when you receive the news you have cancer.

We are emotional creatures. God created us that way. And that capacity to feel emotion is part of what makes us human.

But there’s a big difference between feeling emotional and letting those emotional feelings fully dictate your response to whatever circumstance you’re currently facing.

You have NO CONTROL over what kind of feelings immediately sweep over you in a crisis, but you do get to determine how much weight you’re gonna give those feelings in your decision-making process. After all, feelings come and go. Facts remain the same.

As for me, I want to base my thoughts and actions and responses on what I know to be right and true and good – not on how I might be feeling in the moment.

So even though I’ve shed a lot of tears at inconvenient times this past week, I keep preaching to myself the truth of God’s Word:

First, that God is in control

“For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created by Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” (Colossians 1:16-17)

Second, that no trouble can befall me without first passing through His hand

“I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them out of My hand. / My Father who has given them to Me is greater than all. No one can snatch them out of My Father’s hand.” (John 10:28-29)

And third, that God will use this cancer diagnosis for my growth and His glory

“And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

The A in CANCER stands for

Asking Lots of Questions

I know all those unbidden tears can sometimes make it hard to communicate, but if you have worries or concerns or fears about your diagnosis or treatment, don’t keep those bottled up inside. Voice them.

Knowledge is power. Proverbs 24:5 tells us,

“The wise prevail through great power, and those who have knowledge muster their strength.” (Proverbs 24:5)

The better you understand what is going on in your body – with regards to cancer or any other ailment you may be dealing with – the better equipped you will be to make the necessary decisions.

Also, the team caring for you are used to answering patient questions. Whatever your concern might be, they’ve likely heard it many, many times before and will be able to address it clearly and concisely.

My doctors sent me home with all sorts of handouts explaining every little facet of what I wanted to know – which was great, because I could read through all that information at my leisure and not have to keep talking when my voice was so shaking and my emotions so raw. And they also gave me information on local support groups so I’d be able to talk to others who’ve already traveled down the path I’m just now started – which, as it happens, I already have several women in my life who fit that description, including my own sister, so I have a good network already in place of friends and family members who’ve beaten breast cancer and can advise me, as well.

Which is great, since breast cancer is a battle, and Proverbs 24:6 tells us, “Only with sound guidance should you wage war, and victory lies in a multitude of counselors.”

But if you are facing a cancer diagnosis and don’t have any family or friends who’ve undergone treatment before you and you have concerns that aren’t addressed in any pre-printed brochures, then by all means, talk to your doctor about those concerns and don’t be afraid to ask her to break down anything in her answer that you don’t understand.

Next in my CANCER acrostic is N for

Notifying Loved Ones

I didn’t tell my kids when I first found the lump in my lymph node, because I didn’t want to upset them unnecessarily. I have a couple of daughters who are especially prone to worry and anxiety, and I didn’t want to add this concern to their already full plates.

But once we knew a little more about what we were dealing with, I had my husband send out word via our family chat, so that everyone would be praying for me as I went in for procedures.

And, just as expected, the news upset many of them more than it did me. Which is often the case. In many ways, it’s easier to deal with a health crisis yourself than to watch someone you love struggle with it.

Yet all the prayers and the outpouring of love and support I received after sharing the news with family and friends and podcast listeners and newsletter subscribers has been such a blessing to me and something I deeply appreciate. So thank you for that.

Next up is the second C in CANCER, which stands for

Coordinating Medical Appointments

It looks like there will likely be a lot of back-and-forth to the hospital in the coming months, so be prepared for that. Be prepared to clear your calendar – or at least shift things around a bit — to accommodate whatever treatment plan you decide on.

I ended up spending three consecutive afternoons at the medical center last week – and that was just for diagnostic procedures.

By the way, I was really dreading the needle biopsies, but they really weren’t that bad or even very painful. They caused a little bruising, but that’s to be expected. Really, the thing that has been most bothersome is not the tiny little incision sites or the resultant tenderness, but two little places on my skin where the gauze tape irritated it. That burns a little bit, but I was pleasantly surprised by how little pain I felt during or after the procedure.

My doctor biopsied the lymph node using ultrasound, but ended up having to use mammography to biopsy the actual breast tumor, since it was too small to find any other way. The care team even volunteered to skip lunch in order to squeeze me in – literally and figuratively – so that I wouldn’t have to wait until January 8 for the next available appointment, which was such a merciful kindness that it started the tears flowing again.

Right now, I’m in the hurry-up-and-wait stage. Results from one of those biopsies just came in this morning. I’m still waiting on the breast biopsy, but the lymph node biopsy indicates I have invasive ductile carcinoma, which my doctor thinks is slow-growing and should be very responsive to therapy.

So now I’m waiting on an MRI to see if anything has spread beyond my lymph nodes, and it will be another week or so before we get any results back from the DNA testing. I’m not sure what comes next after that, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come through it. There’s no use worrying about it today.

In fact, I would be disobeying a direct command if I gave into worry, as Jesus tells us flat out in Matthew 6:34,

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matt. 6:34)

Which brings me to the E in my CANCER acrostic, which stands for

Entrusting My Future to God

He is the blessed controller of all things. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but He does and He’s promised to walk with me through it, which is all I need to know to have the peace that transcends all understanding, as described in Philippians 4:7.

One of my listeners sent me a recommendation last week for a book called Suffering by Paul David Tripp, which I bought and started reading immediately.  Something he wrote in the first or second chapter really resonated with me:  He noted that “Suffering has the power to expose what you have been trusting all along. If you lose your hope when your physical body fails, maybe your hope wasn’t really in your Savior after all.”

Well, just for the record, I haven’t lost hope. Not one bit. Jesus is my Rock, and my feet are firmly rooted in Him.

As Elisha Hoffman wrote in one of our family’s favorite hymns,

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Leaning, leaning,
Safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Or, another hymn that has been a comfort to us through many a dark time has been “How Firm a Foundation.” I especially love the last two verses:

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

“The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

The point is, whether cancer is a just a small blip on the screen of a long and productive life or it’s the door I must walk through to reach eternity, I know God recorded in His book the days that were ordained for me before any of them came into being, as we’re told in Psalm 139:16. The same goes for the good works He prepared in advance for me to do, as noted in Ephesians 2:10.

Which means, as I keep assuring my children, we needn’t worry that I’ll be taken before my time. As long as God has important work for me to do on this earth, He is fully capable of preserving my life so that I can accomplish it. And once that work is complete? Then He will take me home, but not a minute before.  

The same is true for all who put their hope and trust in Christ Jesus, which I hope and pray is your testimony too.

Last but not least, the R in CANCER stands for…

Resting | Recuperating | Redeeming the Time

Recuperating is a necessary step whenever you face illness of any kind. But those other two Rs, Resting and Redeeming the Time, can sometimes feel at odds, and a CANCER diagnosis has a good way of reminding you to strike a balance between the two.

On the one hand, we have verses like Psalm 90:12,

“So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.”

On the other hand, we ​have ​Psalm ​1:27:2 ​which ​tells ​us, ​

"It ​is ​vain ​for ​you ​to ​rise ​up ​early, ​to ​stay ​up ​late, ​to ​eat ​the ​bread ​of ​painful ​labors, ​for ​He ​gives ​to ​His ​beloved ​even ​in ​his ​sleep."

We ​do ​want ​to ​use ​our ​time ​wisely ​and ​to ​redeem ​the ​time ​that ​we ​have ​left ​on ​this ​earth, ​but ​we ​don’t ​want ​to ​do ​it ​at ​the ​expense ​of ​our ​health ​and ​well ​being. ​

God ​gave ​a ​season ​for ​everything, ​a ​season ​for ​work ​and ​a ​season ​for ​rest. ​He ​commands ​us ​to ​rest, ​to ​remember ​the ​Sabbath, ​to ​keep ​it ​holy. ​He ​rested ​from ​his ​labor ​not ​because ​He ​needed ​it, ​but ​because ​He ​was ​setting ​an ​example ​for ​us. ​

And ​so ​that ​is ​what ​I’m ​trying ​to ​do ​myself ​right ​now ​as ​we ​celebrate ​again ​the ​fact ​that ​Jesus ​came ​and ​paid ​the ​price ​for ​us ​so ​that ​we ​could ​enter ​into ​His ​eternal ​rest ​in ​heaven ​with ​Him. ​

And ​I ​pray ​as ​we ​celebrate ​Christmas ​this ​week ​that ​you ​will ​receive ​that ​gift ​of ​faith ​and ​forgiveness ​and ​salvation ​from ​the ​hand ​of ​a ​good ​Father, if ​you ​haven’t ​already ​done ​so. ​

Have ​a ​very ​Merry ​Christmas, ​and ​I’ll ​talk ​to ​you ​again ​next ​week.

The post EP 70: Unwrapping Cancer for Christmas appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 69: When Things Don’t Go As Planned

The best laid plans sometimes go awry. How should we respond when that happens? That’s what we’re discussing on Loving Life at Home this week: What should one do when things don’t go as planned?

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Proverbs 16:9 – “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Matt 10:29-31 – “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care….”James 4:13-15 – “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.’  Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow….’” Philippians 2:4 – “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”Proverbs 17:22 – “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” Philippians 2:3 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves.”1 Thessalonians 5:8-24 – “But since we are of the day, let’s be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation….”RELATED LINKS:Episode 23: A Hill Country ChristmasThai Lucky Sushi BarYanaguana Gardens & PlaygroundPioneer Museum of FredricksburgFBC Mainstreet Bethlehem in Burnet, TX What to Do When Plans Go AwryComplete Transcript for Episode 69

Hello, friend. And welcome to episode 69 of Loving Life at Home. Today’s topic? When Things Don’t Go Like You Planned

This is a lesson I’ve been relearning myself lately, which is part of the reason I haven’t dropped a new episode of this podcast in the last couple of weeks.

Of course, I know so many folks are so very busy this time of year, I didn’t really think anybody would notice if I missed a week or three. But gues what? Somebody did notice! And I got the sweetest email from her on Saturday. She writes:

Hello, Jennifer.

I found your podcast this fall during a difficult season of transition….

I’m a motherless mother and have had to carve my own path out in life, motherhood and marriage. It’s been lonely and overwhelming pretty regularly and I have been praying for God to help me through. 

The Lord answers prayers and He has been showing me wonderful playlists and podcasts to encourage me. 

Your podcast has been the biggest blessing of them all and I listen to every single episode. I’ve printed various printables from your website and am implementing them, to my sanity’s saving Grace! Ha Ha! 

… I decided to bake some Christmas cookies this evening and plug into some edifying stuff to uplift my mood. Immediately I went to your podcast!

That’s when I noticed you hadn’t dropped a new episode for a bit and I just wanted to check on you. Your podcast is such a blessing to me and my walk as a Christian wife and mom. 

I’m literally out here paving my own way without a mother, any female mentors or even a general maternal influence. It’s been really wonderful to finally have such a love and Faith filled influence in my life through your stories and advice.

If you’re simply taking a holiday break, I will feel so relieved when I see the next episode drop. LOL

If you have fallen ill, I pray for a swift recovery and for you to have had plenty of rest. If you’re scaling back to enjoy your family then I pray the Holy Spirit floods your home and your families interactions with one another so you may all soak up the love you’ve so beautifully cultivated. 

Thank you for all of the time and energy you have put into sharing your warmth and wisdom. You are a true blessing. 

Well, as you might imagine, that email just made my day. Words of encouragement are my love language, as are prayers offered up to God on my behalf, and this young mother’s sweet message filled my cup to overflowing. So—if you are listening– thank you for that.

As it happens, every one of this young mom’s conjectures as to why I hadn’t posted on my normal weekly schedule were true.

Although I hadn’t planned to take a holiday break, that is what happened. As for being sick, I feel great, but just before Thanksgiving, I did discover a suspicious lump in a lymph node under my arm which I hope to have checked out this week, so I’d appreciate continued prayer concerning that. And I’ve also been spending a lot of time with family, as we just returned from our annual, week-long trip to San Antonio…

If you want to know how our San Antonio trips usually go, you can find details for all the fun, free things our family does there in Episode 23 of this podcast under the name “A Hill Country Christmas.”

Normally, at the top of every vacation itinerary I publish is a note that reads “all details subject to change without notice” in deference to Proverbs 16:9,  which tells us:

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”

However, this year, we deviated from our plan far more than we ever have before and for reasons that were entirely unexpected, starting the day before we ever left when my 2-year-old grandson, who was supposed to be napping at a relative’s house, instead used that time to explore his new surroundings. But, of course, he did it very quietly, so nobody would suspect.  And while digging around in places that would’ve better been left alone, my grandson found – and swallowed – some medication that wasn’t stored in a sufficiently childproof container.

To be honest, his own father did something similar around the same age when he found a year’s supply of heart worm medicine for our dog – which I thought was safely tucked away in the pet supply box on a high shelf in our garage – but he found it, anyway, and managed to open and eat every single one of about 10 individually wrapped tablets… tablets that required a pair of scissors for me to get out of their protective plastic sleeves. Yet that protective wrap didn’t seem to deter my two-year-old a bit.

In his case, when I called Poison Control, they just laughed and told me, “Well, at least your son won’t be getting heartworms anytime soon.” Thankfully, the dog’s meds were evidently harmless to people – including determined toddlers who’ll put anything in their mouth.

Sadly, that wasn’t the case for our grandson with the meds he ingested. Nope. He ended up having to be sedated, intubated, and flown to Dallas in a helicopter, instead. Praise be to our merciful God, he pulled through and seems to be doing great now with no lasting adverse effects. But the situation felt very touch-and-go for a few days there.

Anyway, that whole unexpected crisis caused him and his parents to miss our family’s annual Christmas trip entirely, and it delayed the time of departure for the rest of us.

Then, the day after the majority of us arrived in San Antonio, we got a call from our oldest daughter, Bethany, who was driving down to meet us when her car broke down right outside of Fredricksburg (which was convenient in the sense that we had planned to spend the day there anyway, climbing Enchanted Rock, visiting the quaint little shops along Main Street, eating German food, and touring the local pioneer museum (which offers free admission on the first Saturday of every month).

But it was inconvenient as far as towing companies were concerned – at least the first one we called, who kept us waiting for three hours despite multiple assurances from AAA that they’d be there in [another] hour. Finally, we gave up and called a different service man who left a warm house and a close game to come rescue us in the rain. But that sidetracked most of my plans for that day, too.

And then we missed a scheduled tour of the San Antonio Shoe factory because a young girl who was following too close, driving too fast, and not paying attention plowed into us when my husband slowed down to make a turn, and we had to wait for the police to show up and file a report.

Several other things come up during the week, as well, which forced us to be flexible and adjust our plans.

The entire escapade reminded me of something Kurt Vonegut once said: “Unexpected travel plans are dancing lessons from God.” Well, I wouldn’t say any of us have mastered the fox trot or tango or macarena or whatever dance God’s been trying to teach us, but we’ve certainly gotten a lot of first-hand instruction lately!

Which is why today I’d like to discuss a good strategy for how to respond when your best-laid plans don’t materialize.

1 – Hold onto your faith

Maybe things aren’t going according to YOUR plans, but remember: God is still in control.

Matt 10:29-31 tells us, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Whatever you are going through right now, God sees. He knows. None of it has taken Him by surprise. But If you love the Lord and have placed your full hope and trust in Him, then He promises to be right there, in your midst, working all things together for your good and His glory, as we read in Romans 8:28.

2 – Look on the bright side

One of the things that had me feeling a little sad about this trip is the fact that my husband sold our 12-passenger van earlier this year, and this was the first time we’ve gone that all our kids – or at least the ones still living at home — weren’t able to fit into one vehicle for the drive down.

So five of them were packed into my son’s car, and for most of our time on the road, it was just me and Doug and my mother alone in the truck. So I was getting an early taste of what an empty nest may feel like.

However, as my mother was so good to point out to me, it ended up being a good thing we weren’t all in one car, because that allowed the three of us to deal with tow trucks and police reports without ruining everyone else’s time. As it was, we talked and told stories and listened to audiobooks and addressed Christmas cards and did some needlework and made all kinds of productive use of out of the waiting time, while everybody else continued on without us. So that really was a blessing for all involved – especially all those littles in car seats who would’ve been going absolutely bonkers sitting on the side of the road in a rainstorm.

The thing is, when we count our blessings instead of wallowing in our disappointments, it makes the experience much more pleasant for everyone involved.

3 – Be flexible

Obviously, I think there is prudence in planning ahead, which is why I do it. But you can’t get married to those plans – you’ve got to hold them with an open hand, which is exactly what James 4:13-15 tells us to do:

“Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.’  Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. For you are just a vapor that appears for a little while, and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.’” 

I have a friend whose young son – many, many years ago — spent several weeks mapping out exactly how he wanted his birthday party to pan out, right down to the minutest detail. But then, when his oblivious little party guests showed up and didn’t behave precisely the way the birthday boy had envisioned, it ruined the entire party for him. He was so distraught, in fact, that I think he spent most of the afternoon sobbing in his room. He couldn’t enjoy the many fun things that did happen at the party, because he couldn’t let go of his own preferences and embrace a plan that took the needs and interests of others into account.

Well, that was a great object lesson for all of us, and one I’ve often reflected on over the years. Learning how to graciously pivot from what you’d hoped would happen to the reality in which you find yourself is such a useful skill.

And it’s one that dovetails nicely with Philippians 2: 4, “do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”

So, when you have to rearrange plans or cut one outing short because little ones need naps or pregnant mamas need food or adventurers took longer than expected exploring that cave, you can do so with no hard feelings, because your itinerary isn’t set in stone – it’s just a guideline to follow if circumstances allow it. (And if you can’t fit something in this trip, you can always try again next year.)

4 – Maintain a sense of humor

closely related to looking for silver linings. Prov 17:22 tells us “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” I didn’t fully appreciate what a great stress reliever a good sense of humor can be until I married my husband. A house full of laughter is a continual feast and makes it so easy to rejoice always.

And fortunately, most of my children have inherited their father’s great sense of humor and superb timing, which was demonstrated over lunch one day when we were having a late lunch at the Lucky Thai Sushi Bar. Most of us love this place, and we try to eat there every time we go to San Antonio, because it is walking distance to Yanaguana Gardens & Playground and La Vallita and the River Walk, and there’s inexpensive parking right next to the restaurant.

So, on this particular day, we’d had to ditch our morning plans, and decided to drive straight to the restaurant. Now we had taken three of our older grandkids on the trip with us because their parents had to work. So, theoretically, we were in charge of them.

But I usually bring crafts to keep all the little ones occupied at restaurants so they won’t be tempted to squirm or run around or make a lot of noise while we’re waiting for our food to arrive, which can take a long time for the size group we usually have. But I was so distracted with the younger grandkids that I hadn’t paid attention to what the older grandkids were ordering.

And, also, you should know that my sweet, generous husband is bit of a pushover when kids or grandkids want to order sodas or sweet tea– things I would normally say no to, because (1) water is much better for them and (2) it’s free. When you have a group of 25-30 people eating together, you could easily add an extra $100 or more to your tab by allowing everyone to order off the drink menu.

My kids know this and normally cooperate, but the grandkids sometimes need a reminder, which I normally provide before we ever leave home. I’ll sit them down and say, “Remember now, we are going to drink water only at every meal. Do not even ask grandpa about getting anything else. I’ll buy everybody a soda the day we tour San Antonio Shoes, because you can get them there for only 5-cents.”

But between having one grandbaby in the hospital and the fact that those grandkids were traveling in a different car, I kept forgetting to remind them and they were going hog wild on the sugary drinks every time I turned around.

But rather than making a big deal out of it at the restaurant, I kept writing myself a mental note to discuss it with them back at the Airbnb, but then something else would come up and I’d forget again.

So, that day at the Thai restaurant, I was helping the little ones with their crafts, and not paying attention to what the older kids were ordering, and realized too late that they’d gotten something besides water again, and then, when everyone was finished with their meals, and the little ones were reaching their limit, and we were ready to head to the playground, and my husband was trying to settle our tab, one of our grandkids says, “Wait! I haven’t gotten the ice cream I ordered yet.”

Come to find out, grandpa had given him permission to get dessert, but what grandpa didn’t know, but came out after a little more discussion, was the fact that ice cream—and some sort of specialty tea— was ALL this grandchild had ordered. He didn’t get a meal.

So now, not only am I exasperated – especially since this particular grandchild did the same thing two days earlier – skipped lunch and only got a drink and dessert — then starts complaining that he’s famished about 30 minutes later. But now granddad is upset, as well, and begins laying down the law right there in front of God and everybody.

Which might have turned a wonderfully pleasant lunch into a bad memory for everybody had my quick-witted son Benjamin started quoting a line from Cheaper by the Dozen:

“One big, happy family? Okay, I’m calling Oprah’s people right now. She does NOT want to come down here.”

Which sent me into a fit of laughter and immediately lightened the spirit. That ability to find the humor in a tense or stressful situation and laugh at yourself will go a long way toward helping you make the best of things when your plans go awry.

5 – Practice Patience

Always a good idea. Not just for family vacations… or picky eaters or pokey tow trucks.

Here again, a shift in perspective can help.

One day in San Antonio, I was riding in the car with my daughter when an older man raced up behind us, laid on his horn, then whipped his car around ours, making a face as he passed, and nearly clipped our headlight as he cut in front of us and sped ahead, leaving us in the trail of his exhaust fumes.

Well, my daughter honked back at him in response, much to the chagrin of her mother and grandmother who was also in the car with her at the time.

So I told her she should only use the horn to avoid an accident – like if an 18-wheeler doesn’t see you next to him and starts coming over into your lane. Or the car ahead of you tries to back up at an intersection and you need to let them know you are there.

But you shouldn’t use your horn just to express disapproval. That’s a good way to get shot. Road rage is a real thing. The guy who cut her off was already upset, and honking at him when he was already 200 feet ahead would only compound an already stressful situation.

Plus, you really don’t know what might be going through that man’s mind.  My daughter was assuming he was just a jerk who did what he did intentionally.

But he might also have been an unstable psychopath with a gun in his glovebox who was just looking for a reason to use it. One of my husband’s friends in high school was shot and killed by an elderly man who thought he was playing his music too loud.

Or maybe that driver had a two-year-old grandson in the backseat who’d gotten into HIS medicine cabinet, and he was frantically trying to get to the hospital for medical help.

The fact is, we don’t know what the man’s story is. But we can be sure he has one. And sometimes, just realizing that is the case can help us exercise a little more patience and extend a little more grace to the people around us.

6 – Show appreciation to others

This principle is especially helpful when folks are under stress. Gratitude goes a long way toward restoring balance and giving much needed perspective.

Notice I didn’t say: “Make sure others give you the appreciation you deserve.” No, that is something over which you have little if any control. Instead, I said, “show appreciation to others.”

The nice thing about that is, others can mean anybody: The guy who pulled himself away from a ball game long enough to tow your daughter’s car to a city an hour and a half away. The son who bought everybody’s lunch after church on Sunday. The waitress who sent you home with two extra loaves of hot, fresh pumpernickel. The daughter who brought gingerbread making supplies for the grandkids to enjoy (even though that was another item on the itinerary that didn’t pan out in the end). The son who coordinated a sunrise hike at Enchanted Rock. The daughter-in-law who hosted us all for dinner and made two varieties of chili to accommodate the vegetarians among us. Or the husband who comes home from 24-hour call and immediately launches into washing laundry.

This was a test I failed over Thanksgiving, by the way. My husband’s parents were here for six days, three of which my husband spent working at the hospital. So while he was gone, I held down the fort and entertained the in-laws, cooking meals, chauffeuring them back and forth to their hotel, and washing a mountain of dishes at least three times a day.

We had 49 mouths to feed on Thanksgiving Day. Of course, the kids pitched in to help, as did my husband when he was home, but it was still a lot of work.

But then, on Saturday afternoon when Doug was home between calls, I overheard him saying something to his folks in the next room that insinuated if he didn’t do laundry and dishes on his days off, the soiled clothes and dirty dishes would be stacked up to our eyeballs.

Well, the fact is, Doug does do the lion’s share of the laundry at our house, and he helps a lot in the kitchen, as well. But instead of walking into the room where they were gathered and happily acknowledging that fact and even bragging to his parents about what a hardworking and thoughtful son they raised, and telling them what a wonderful blessing he is to our entire family – like I should’ve done – I got my feelings hurt.

So I yelled at him incredulously from the kitchen: “Did you just tell your parents if you didn’t do the chores, they’d never get done at all?”

You see, in that moment, I was more interested in receiving some appreciation than in giving it. But that is not the attitude Christ demands of me. His Word tells us, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves.”

That’s where I failed.

The chances are excellent that, if I had followed Christ’s example, I not only would’ve experienced the joy that comes with obedience, but I likely would’ve received the affirmation my heart was craving, as well. My husband has always been very generous with his praise for me. If I had come into the room singing his praises to his parents, I suspect he would’ve deflected a lot of it right back toward me.

But, even if he didn’t, everybody within earshot knew Doug was speaking hyperbolically. They’d been at home to see how hard I was working in his absence. And they understood the fact that we were both a little stressed by the time this conversation took place.

In fact, one of my sons was in the kitchen with me and overheard his father’s comment about the dishes and laundry at the same time I did. And he immediately turned to me and said, Dad doesn’t mean that the way it sounds. He’s just feeling bad for not being able to spend more time with his parents and is making excuses. Don’t let it bother you.

Which was an astute observation and very good advice.

Then, my last strategy for dealing with upset plans is to…

7 – Continue in prayer

This one should go without saying. Scripture repeatedly tells us to pray continuously, without ceasing, about big matters and small, in all circumstances, regarding anything and everything that weighs heavily on our heart.

Which is where I’m currently at with that lump under my arm. It may be nothing. Or it may be metastatic cancer. I don’t know.

On the one hand, I feel perfectly healthy. And I spent 25 years of my life breastfeeding babies, which is supposed to be very protective.

On the other, I do have several elevated risk factors, including a sister and two uncles who’ve all been diagnosed with breast cancer.

What I do know is this: God is good, and He can be trusted. He will never leave or forsake me, but will faithfully walk by my side through whatever lies ahead.

That knowledge has always been enough to keep my heart at peace, no matter what kind of crises or unexpected events crop up.

And I pray the same will be true for you amid any trials or altered plans or shattered dreams you may presently be experiencing.

By the way, most of the strategies I’m recommending here can be found in 1 Thessalonians, chapter 5.

There, in verse 8, we read:

“But since we are of the day, let’s be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation.  For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him.” [In other words: hold fast to your faith]

Then Paul continues in verse 11:

 “Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you also are doing. But we ask you, brothers and sisters, to recognize those who diligently labor among you and are in leadership over you in the Lord, and give you instruction, and that you regard them very highly in love because of their work. [There you have: Show appreciation]

Continuing on in verse 13, we read:

“Live in peace with one another. We urge you, brothers and sisters, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” [which is obviously where I got: practice patience]

Verse 15 adds:

“See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek what is good for one another and for all people.” [which speaks to being flexible & considering the needs of others]

Next, verse 16:

“Rejoice always,” [which is facilitated by looking on bright side and maintaining sense of humor]

Followed by 17:

“pray without ceasing,” [or continue in prayer] in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus…”

And, skipping down to verses 23-24, Paul wraps up his letter with this thought:

“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will do it.”

I’m so grateful that I serve a God who has promised to finish the work He started. Aren’t you? I pray He will continue to graciously and patiently work out His wonderful plan in both my life and yours, whether it matches the plans we’ve made for ourselves or not.

The post EP 69: When Things Don’t Go As Planned appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

A Prayer for the Grieving

One of my readers recently wrote to request that I make another of my free printable prayer guides — this time for people who are grieving. So today, that’s what I’m sharing.

Grief is something we all eventually experience in one form or another. No matter what kind of loss you’ve suffered, prayer can help heal your heart. Below are the requests I’d begin with.

I hope you won’t have occasion to use this particular guide anytime soon, but it’s here if and when you need it, whether you’re the one grieving or you are praying on behalf of a friend or family member.

May God comfort you with His presence and through His Word.

A Prayer for the Grieving

Regardless what kind of loss you are facing, the following prayers will help you cling to God’s sustaining grace as you process your grief:

Grow my faith

LORD, I know that You are near to the brokenhearted and save the crushed in Spirit. Let me feel Your presence now. Use these circumstances to strengthen and sustain my faith and to increase my dependence upon You. Soothe my anxieties and lift me out of the pit of despair, so I may affirm Your tender mercy as You graciously work all things together for Your glory and my good.

Psalm 34:18 – Psalm 23:4 – Isaiah 41:10 – Philippians 4:6 – Psalm 40:2 – James 5:11 – Romans 8:28

Restore my joy

Although weeping may last through the night, LORD, Your Word says a shout of joy will come in the morning. Please speed its return. Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation. Put a song in my heart that Your praise may be ever on my lips. Help me rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, and focus on things that are true, noble, right, pure, and lovely.

Psalm 30:5 – Psalm 51:12 – Psalm 40:3 – Philippians 4:4 – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 – Philippians 4:8

Inform my decisions

God, I need Your clear guidance and direction now more than ever. Please grant me the wisdom You’ve promised to give to all who ask for it. Instruct and teach me in the path I should follow. Order my steps, take delight in my way, uphold me with Your hand, and keep me from falling. Surround me with wise counselors, as well, and deliver me from foolish friends who would try to lead me astray.

Psalm 25:5 – Proverbs 3:5-6 – James 1:5 – Psalm 32:8 – Psalm 37:23-24 – Jude 1:24-25 – Proverbs 13:20

Expand my ministry

LORD, turn my focus outward that I might serve You by serving others. Let me share freely the comfort with which I have been comforted. As I boldly proclaim Your faithfulness through every trial, every struggle, every dark valley, let my words give hope and strength to those who need it most. Help me to encourage the disheartened, help the weak, and be patient with everyone.

Philippians 2:3-4 – 1 Peter 4:10 – Psalm 89:1 – Hebrews 10:24-25 – 1 Thessalonians 5:13-14

Fuel my friendships

LORD, thank You for being a Friend who sticks closer than a brother. Develop in me that same kind of loyalty and commitment to the friends You’ve placed in my life. As iron sharpens iron, let me sharpen my companions. Help me to choose my friends wisely and teach me to put their needs ahead of my own as I imitate the self-sacrificing love Jesus so beautifully models for us.

Proverbs 18:24 – 1 John 3:16 – Proverbs 27:17 – 1 Corinthians 15:33 – Ecclesiastes 4:9 – John 15:13 – Philippians 2:5-8

To download your own copy of this free printable prayer guide, simply click on the image above, or print directly from the file below.

Prayer for the GrievingDownloadMore Printable Prayer Guides

You will find many more prayer guides you can download individually for free by following this link: Free Printable Prayer Guides.

Or you can save time by investing in a copy of my Pretty Prayer Print Pack and then download a whole bundle of resources in a single click, including all our most popular prayer guides plus prayer lists and diaries, prayer-themed coloring pages, prayer cards, and beautiful printable artwork suitable for framing. Several of the resources in this collection are not available anywhere else.

The post A Prayer for the Grieving appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

31 Verses for a Husband to Pray over His Wife

After publishing my 31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband, I’ve received several requests for a similar challenge for men. I’m grateful for all the prayer I can get, so it’s easy for me to understand why other women feel the same way. So today I’m sharing the newest addition to my series of free printable prayer guides, a.k.a. 31 Scripture Verses for a Husband to Pray over His Wife.

Included on the list are all the following areas…

31 Scripture Verses for a Husband to Pray for His Wife

1 Health (3 John 1:2) – “I pray that you may enjoy good health & all may go well with you…”

2 Strength (Proverbs 31:25) – “She is clothed with strength & dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”

3 Patience (1 Thessalonians 5:14) – “…encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

4 Cheerfulness (Colossians 3:23) – “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.”

5 Understanding (Proverbs 2:2) – “Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding.”

6 Perseverance (Galatians 6:9) – “Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap….”

7 Gentleness (Philippians 4:5) – “Let your gentleness be apparent to all. The Lord is near.”

8 Clarity (2 Timothy 1:7) – “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, of love, & of a sound mind.

9 Affection (Romans 12:10) – “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”

10 Rest (Matthew 11:28) – “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”

11 Industry (Proverbs 14:1) – “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.”

12 Love (John 13:34) – “A new command I give you: Love one another.”

13 Joy (Proverbs 17:22) – “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.”

14 Attitude (Philippians 2:5) – “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…”

15 Service (Galatians 5:13) – “Do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.”

16 Wisdom (Proverbs 31:26) – “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

17 Mercy (Luke 6:36) – “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

18 Peace (2 Peter 1:2) – “Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.”

19 Humility (James 4:10) – “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He shall lift you up.”

20 Compassion (1 Peter 3:8) – “…be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate & humble.”

21 Discretion (Proverbs 2:11) – “Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.”

22 Confidence (Ephesians 3:12) – “…in Him we may enter God’s presence with boldness and confidence…”

23 Diligence (Proverbs 31:27) – “She looks well to the ways of her household & does not eat the bread of idleness.”

24 Kindness (Colossians 3:12) – “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

25 Goodness (2 Peter 1:5) – “…make every effort to add to your faith goodness & to goodness, knowledge…”

26 Holiness (1 Peter 1:15) – “But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do.”

27 Obedience (2 Corinthians 10:5) – “…take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

28 Faithfulness (Luke 16:10) – “Whoever is faithful with very little will also be faithful with much.”

29 Tenderness (Ephesians 4:32) – “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other…”

30 Respect (Ephesians 5:33) – “Each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.”

31 Praise (Proverbs 31:30) – “Charm is deceitful & beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD shall be praised.”

click to print 31-Day prayer challenge

If you’re a person who’s hard to buy for, maybe print out a copy and tell your hubby that’s what you’d like for Christmas — for him to pray for you every day for a month. If that isn’t something he’s already in the custom of doing, then maybe interceding for you for four and a half weeks straight will be enough to establish it as a new habit.

Either way, asking God to bless your spouse is a great way to put others first. And if you’d like to return the favor, you can download 31 Scripture Verses to Pray over Your Husband here:

More Printable Prayer Guides

You will find many more prayer guides you can download individually for free by following this link: Free Printable Prayer Guides.

Or you can save time by investing in a copy of my Pretty Prayer Print Pack and then download a whole bundle of resources in a single click, including all our most popular prayer guides plus prayer lists and diaries, prayer-themed coloring pages, prayer cards, and beautiful printable artwork suitable for framing. Several of the resources in this collection are not available anywhere else.

The post 31 Verses for a Husband to Pray over His Wife appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 68: The Time My Husband Nearly Got a Vasectomy

It’s Thanksgiving week, so I’m counting my blessings, and my 12 children are right up there at the top of the list. Another thing I’m grateful for? The fact my husband didn’t cut my childbearing years short by getting a vasectomy, though he definitely considered it at one point.

I’m so grateful he didn’t go through with it. Listen to this week’s episode to hear why, and to learn what stopped him from making what, for us, would’ve been a huge mistake. 

Show Notes:VERSES CITED: Colossians 1:16-17 – “…all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.”Hebrews 1:3 – “The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by His powerful word.”Revelation 4:11 – “You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.”1 Corinthians 8:6 – “…there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through Whom all things came and through Whom we live.”RELATED LINKS:More than Meets the Eye – this is the book by Richard Swenson that made such an impression on my husband (I don’t think I gave the title in the podcast)Always Open: 5 Reasons I Love Having My Tubes Intact – my response to an article from the other side of the issue, written by a woman who was grateful to have hers tiedPostponing Motherhood: At What Cost? – my review of Holly Grigg-Spall’s Sweetening the Pill The Closest My Husband Ever Came to Getting a VasectomyFull transcript for Episode 68

Hello, ​friend. ​

Welcome ​to ​episode ​68 ​of ​Loving ​Life ​at ​Home. Since ​this ​is ​Thanksgiving ​week, ​and ​because ​my ​family ​is ​one ​of ​the ​things ​for ​which ​I’m ​most ​profoundly ​grateful, ​I ​thought ​that ​this ​would ​be ​a ​great ​time ​to ​share ​with ​you ​some ​of ​the ​decisions ​and convictions ​that ​led ​to ​my ​husband ​and ​my ​having ​12 ​children, ​as ​well ​as ​some ​of ​the ​temptations ​and ​trials ​that ​conspired ​to ​prevent ​or ​having ​all ​those ​kids. ​

Having ​a ​big ​family ​was ​something ​that ​we ​discussed ​long ​before ​we ​decided ​to ​marry. ​​I ​knew ​I ​wanted ​a ​bunch ​of ​children, ​and ​I ​did ​not ​want ​to ​risk ​falling ​in ​love ​with ​somebody ​that ​didn’t ​share ​that ​same ​desire. ​And ​so ​we ​talked ​about ​it ​very, ​very ​early ​on, ​when ​we ​first ​started ​dating, ​and ​agreed ​that ​we ​would ​try ​to ​have ​a ​big ​family. ​

But ​at ​the ​time, ​my ​husband ​still ​had ​a ​lot ​of ​school ​ahead ​of ​him, ​and ​so ​we ​toyed ​with ​the ​idea ​of ​waiting ​to ​get ​married ​until ​after ​he ​was ​finished ​with ​school. ​Not ​just ​his ​bachelor’s ​degree, ​which ​he ​hadn’t ​completed ​when ​we ​did ​marry, ​but ​also ​his ​medical ​training ​and ​possibly ​even ​his ​residency, ​which ​would ​have ​added ​another ​8-10 ​years ​on​to ​our ​engagement…​which ​we’re ​not ​big ​fans ​of ​long ​engagements. ​And ​that ​obviously ​is ​not ​how ​it ​played ​out. ​

But ​we thought ​that ​perhaps ​all ​of ​our ​advisors ​and ​parents ​who ​warned ​us ​it ​was ​going ​to ​be ​difficult ​to ​have ​children ​while ​he ​was ​still ​in ​school, ​that ​maybe ​they ​were ​right. ​And ​so ​we ​thought ​going ​into ​marriage ​that ​we ​would ​just ​abstain ​from ​sex ​during ​fertile ​times ​as ​a ​way ​of ​delaying ​having ​children. 

​I’m ​sorry ​if ​this ​is ​too ​much ​information, ​but ​as ​Providence ​would ​have it, ​I ​began ​my ​cycle ​about ​15 ​minutes ​before ​I ​walked ​down ​the ​aisle ​to ​exchange ​vows ​with ​my ​husband. ​And ​after ​we ​abstained ​until ​that ​was ​over, ​he ​was ​not ​very ​interested ​in ​following ​through ​with ​our ​original ​plan ​to ​abstain ​during ​fertile ​times.

 ​And ​so ​we ​threw ​caution ​to ​the ​wind ​and ​got ​pregnant ​two ​weeks ​into ​our ​honeymoon. ​

And ​then ​we ​had ​that ​baby ​nine ​months ​later. 

​And ​I’m ​still ​operating ​on ​the ​thought ​that ​we ​are ​going ​to ​abstain ​during ​fertile ​time. ​

So ​after ​the ​season ​of ​waiting postpartum, ​for ​me ​to ​heal ​up ​was ​complete, again, ​he ​did ​not ​want ​to ​extend ​that ​period ​of ​abstinence ​any ​further. ​

So ​again, ​we ​tossed ​that ​plan ​out ​the ​window, and ​I ​got ​pregnant ​with #2 ​when ​our ​firstborn ​was ​six ​months ​old. ​

So ​when ​number ​two ​was ​born, ​I ​had ​a ​serious ​talk ​with ​my ​husband and said, ​”Listen, ​we ​need ​to ​be ​on ​the ​same ​page. ​Either ​we’re ​going ​to ​do ​what ​we ​said ​we ​were ​going ​to ​do ​and ​abstain ​during ​fertile ​times, ​or ​we’re ​just ​going ​to ​accept ​these ​babies ​as ​they ​come. ​But ​I ​don’t ​want ​to ​be ​in ​the ​position ​of ​trying ​to ​decide ​whether ​I ​follow ​what ​we ​agreed ​upon ​or ​what ​in ​the ​moment ​you ​are ​interested ​in.”

Time to reassess

​And ​so ​we — ​at ​that ​point, ​after ​our ​second ​baby ​was ​born — decided, “Well, ​God ​is ​doing ​a ​great ​job ​of ​adding ​to ​our ​family ​as ​it ​is, ​and ​so ​we ​will ​just ​trust Him ​to ​send ​us ​the ​children ​that ​He ​wants ​to ​send ​us in His ​perfect ​time.” 

​Now, ​I ​know ​some ​people ​think ​that ​that ​is ​very ​irresponsible. ​I’ve ​had ​people ​write ​to ​me ​on ​the ​blog ​and ​tell ​me ​as ​much. And ​my ​response ​to ​them ​is that ​I ​view ​it ​a ​little ​bit ​like ​going ​to ​eat ​at ​a ​five ​star ​restaurant ​and ​walking ​in, ​sitting ​down ​at ​the ​table, ​and ​saying, ​”Don’t ​even ​bother ​to ​show ​me ​a ​menu ​because  ​I ​know ​that ​whatever ​the ​chef ​prepares ​is ​going ​to ​be ​a ​delight ​to ​my ​senses, and I ​just ​would ​rather ​He ​surprise ​me.”

​That’s ​not ​being ​an ​irresponsible ​diner. ​If ​you ​have ​full ​trust ​in ​the ​talents, ​skills, ​abilities ​of ​the ​person ​preparing ​your ​meal ​and ​you ​truly ​believed ​that ​whatever ​they ​chose ​would ​be ​amazing, ​why ​wouldn’t ​you ​let ​them ​pick? ​

So ​that’s ​how ​we ​came ​to ​view ​family ​planning — as ​God ​knows ​better ​than ​we ​do ​and ​His ​timing ​is ​perfect. ​And ​so ​we ​just ​mentally ​shifted ​to ​the ​idea ​of, ​instead ​of ​even ​pretending ​to ​have ​an ​element ​of ​control ​in ​this ​matter, ​which ​we ​obviously ​didn’t, ​we ​would ​just ​trust ​God ​to ​send ​us ​the ​children ​He ​wanted ​us ​to ​have ​as ​He ​felt ​appropriate. ​

Now, ​interestingly, ​after ​we ​decided ​that, ​we ​had ​our ​longest ​gap ​between ​children. In ​fact, ​it ​was ​long ​enough ​that ​we ​started ​thinking ​that ​maybe ​two ​was ​all ​that ​God ​was ​going ​to ​send ​us. And ​we ​canceled ​our ​maternity ​coverage. ​It ​was ​costing ​us ​a ​lot ​of ​money ​to ​be ​covered ​for ​babies. ​And ​so ​we ​thought, “We’ll ​save ​money. ​Obviously ​I’m ​not ​getting ​pregnant ​as ​easily ​as ​I ​did ​with ​those ​first ​two.” 

​And ​so ​that’s ​what ​we ​did. ​And ​of ​course, ​a ​month ​later ​I ​was ​pregnant ​again, ​and ​we ​had ​to ​pay ​for ​that ​one ​out ​of ​pocket. ​But ​I ​think ​I’ve ​shared ​before ​that ​that ​third ​pregnancy ​was ​a ​little ​bit ​difficult. ​(Not ​compared ​to ​what ​some ​people ​with ​truly ​difficult ​pregnancies ​endure, ​but ​compared ​to ​the ​ones ​that ​came ​before ​and ​all ​the ​ones ​that ​came ​after.) ​

It ​was ​hard ​because ​my ​baby ​was ​in ​such ​a ​position ​that ​it ​made ​it ​real ​difficult ​and ​painful ​for ​me ​to ​walk, ​especially ​during ​the ​last ​three ​months ​of ​my ​pregnancy ​or ​so. ​And ​so ​I ​just ​hobbled ​around ​for ​that ​period ​of ​time. ​And ​my ​father ​observed ​the ​difficulty ​with ​which ​I ​was ​getting ​around ​during ​that ​final ​trimester ​and ​pulled ​my ​husband ​aside ​after ​the ​baby ​was ​born ​and ​tried ​to ​talk ​him ​into ​getting ​a ​vasectomy ​without ​my ​knowledge. ​

He ​thought ​that ​that ​would ​be ​the ​most ​prudent ​course ​of ​action, ​because ​I ​think ​he ​felt ​like ​if ​I ​had ​any ​more ​children, ​I ​was ​going ​to ​be ​in ​a ​wheelchair, ​based ​on ​how ​difficult ​it ​was ​for ​me ​to ​walk ​during ​that ​last ​pregnancy. ​

But ​fortunately, ​my ​husband ​was ​not ​persuaded ​by ​my ​father’s ​arguments. ​And ​so ​it ​was ​a ​little ​bit ​easier ​for ​me ​to ​forgive ​my ​father ​for ​even ​meddling ​in ​that ​way ​and ​to ​realize ​that ​he ​really ​was ​giving ​advice ​based ​on ​what ​he ​considered ​best ​for ​me. ​He ​loved ​me ​and ​wanted ​me ​to ​be ​safe ​and ​healthy ​and able ​to ​take ​care ​of ​the ​children ​God ​had ​already ​given ​me. ​So ​I ​can, ​in ​my ​mind, ​think, ​”Well, ​that’s ​why ​he ​tried ​to ​talk ​my ​husband ​into ​doing ​something ​that ​was ​so ​obviously ​​against ​what ​our ​plans ​and ​hopes ​and ​dreams ​were.” ​

However, ​Dad ​was ​not ​the ​last ​one ​to ​try ​to ​talk ​Doug ​into ​doing ​something ​permanent ​like ​that.  ​After ​we ​moved ​to ​Tyler… let’s see… ​we ​were ​expecting ​#6 by ​the ​time ​my ​husband ​finished ​all ​of ​his ​medical ​school ​and ​residency ​training ​and ​got ​the ​job ​that ​he’s ​had ​since ​1997 ​in ​Tyler, ​Texas. ​And ​so, ​when ​we ​got ​to ​Tyler, ​he ​worked ​with ​a ​variety ​of ​surgeons, ​including ​some ​urologist ​who ​routinely ​did ​vasectomies. ​And ​a ​couple ​of ​them ​and ​some ​of ​his ​other ​colleagues ​really ​started ​to ​get ​in ​his ​ear ​about ​how ​much ​better ​life ​could ​be ​with ​a ​vasectomy. ​

And ​he’d ​laugh ​it ​off ​and ​ignore ​him ​for ​a ​while. ​But ​after ​our ​eighth ​child ​was ​born, ​he ​started ​thinking ​maybe ​our ​goal ​of ​having ​a ​big ​family ​had ​been ​realized. ​In ​fact, ​he ​said ​as ​much ​to ​me ​while ​I ​was ​in ​the ​delivery ​room ​with ​that ​newborn ​on ​my ​chest, ​like, ​maybe ​this ​should ​be ​our ​last ​baby. ​

Which, ​oh, ​my ​goodness, ​was ​the ​wrong ​thing ​to ​say ​to ​a ​hormonal ​woman ​who ​loved ​having ​babies, ​loved ​being ​pregnant, ​could ​hardly ​wait ​to ​come ​back ​every ​time ​they ​wheeled ​me ​out ​of ​the ​hospital ​with ​a ​newborn ​in ​arms. ​And ​so ​I ​was ​just ​in ​tears ​the ​whole ​two ​days ​I ​was ​in ​the ​hospital ​with ​that ​baby. ​And ​I’m ​sure ​the ​nurses ​were ​very ​concerned ​about ​my ​mental ​state ​and ​must ​have ​been ​thinking ​that ​I ​was ​suffering ​from ​profound ​postpartum ​depression. ​

But ​that ​really ​wasn’t ​the ​case. ​I ​was ​just ​trying ​to ​adjust ​to ​the ​idea ​that ​this ​might ​be ​my ​last ​child. ​And ​the ​idea ​that ​we ​would ​volitionally ​choose ​to ​end ​our ​fertility, ​when ​for ​so ​long ​we ​had ​completely ​trusted ​God ​with ​it, ​was ​really ​hard ​to ​reconcile ​in ​my ​mind. ​

Under a lot of stress

Now, ​looking ​back ​on ​it, ​I ​realize ​that ​a ​lot ​of ​things ​were ​contributing in ​addition ​to ​his ​colleagues’ comments ​and ​offers ​to ​do ​the ​vasectomy ​for ​him ​for ​free — and ​to ​do ​it ​even ​without ​my ​knowledge, ​if ​possible. ​As ​it ​happened, #8 ​was ​born ​after ​my ​husband ​had ​been ​away ​for ​two ​weeks. ​He ​was ​in ​the ​Army ​Reserves ​at ​the ​time. ​And ​so ​that ​summer, ​he ​had ​to ​drill. ​And ​so ​we ​had ​been ​separated ​for ​two ​weeks ​while ​he ​drilling ​in ​El ​Paso. ​And ​so, ​number ​one, ​that ​was ​a ​strain. ​

And ​then ​secondly, ​the ​closer ​I ​get ​to ​delivery, ​the ​more ​my ​nesting ​instinct ​kicks ​in. ​And ​so ​while ​he ​was ​out ​of ​town ​for ​two ​weeks, ​I ​started ​all ​sorts ​of ​projects ​at ​home ​to ​get ​ready ​for ​the ​baby ​that ​did ​not ​get ​completed ​before ​he ​made ​at ​home and ​I ​almost ​immediately ​went ​into ​labor: ​I’m ​talking, ​I ​ripped ​out ​carpet ​and ​had ​the ​floors ​recovered ​and ​re-sodded ​the ​backyard ​and ​dug ​up ​a ​bunch ​of ​flower ​beds ​because ​I ​wanted ​to ​plant ​vegetables. ​And ​I ​pulled ​the ​toilets ​so ​that ​I ​could ​redo ​the ​bathrooms. 

​All ​of ​this ​was ​going ​on ​at ​once, ​you ​know, ​because, ​like, ​during ​the ​day, ​I ​could ​lay ​grass ​outside, ​but ​I ​couldn’t ​very ​well ​do ​that ​after ​dark. ​And ​so ​I ​would ​do ​the ​home ​projects ​by ​night ​and ​the ​outdoor ​projects ​by ​day. ​

So ​when ​my ​husband ​came ​home ​from ​drilling, ​he ​found ​me ​checked ​into ​a ​hotel ​with ​all ​the ​kids, ​waiting ​for ​the ​air ​to ​clear ​because ​we ​had ​had ​the ​brick ​floors ​at ​our ​home ​refurbished ​while ​he ​was ​gone. ​And ​then, ​suddenly, ​I ​go ​into ​labor ​and ​have ​to ​go ​to ​the ​hospital ​and ​deliver ​this ​baby. ​And ​my ​parents ​come ​out ​from ​Dallas ​and ​help ​keep ​the ​kids ​and ​supervise ​the ​flooring ​being ​put ​in ​and ​the toilets ​being ​put ​back ​and ​finishing ​up ​the ​landscaping. ​And ​oh, ​my ​goodness, ​it ​was ​just ​a ​mess. ​And ​my ​husband ​doesn’t ​do ​very ​well ​with ​messes, ​so ​that ​also ​contributed ​to ​the ​stressors ​that ​he ​was ​experiencing ​at ​that ​time. ​

Nevertheless, ​when ​I ​came ​home ​from ​the ​hospital, ​it ​continued ​to ​be ​a ​source ​of ​contention. ​And, ​a ​big ​discussion ​that ​we ​continued ​to ​have.Doug was leaning heavily towards getting a vasectomy, which broke my heart

And ​he ​would ​give ​me ​his ​perspective, ​and I ​would ​give ​him ​my ​perspective. There ​seemed ​to ​be ​no ​way ​that ​we ​could ​both ​be ​happy ​with ​the ​decision. He ​was ​really ​leaning ​heavily ​towards ​getting ​a ​vasectomy, ​which ​just ​broke ​my ​heart. 

And ​I ​guess ​I ​should ​point ​out ​that ​there ​was ​one ​more ​stressor. ​So ​the ​stress ​of ​being ​separated ​for ​two ​weeks ​while ​he ​did ​his ​army ​reserved ​drills, ​the ​stress ​of ​the ​mess ​that ​he ​came ​home ​to ​with ​all ​my ​nesting ​projects, ​the ​stress ​of ​having ​colleagues ​think ​that ​you’re ​crazy ​because ​you ​keep ​having ​children ​when ​it ​would ​be ​such ​an ​easy ​matter ​to ​just ​put ​an ​end ​to ​all ​that. ​And ​then, ​fourth, ​his ​medical ​training, ​you ​know, ​as ​a ​physician — ​especially ​as ​one ​that ​works ​in ​labor ​and ​delivery — has ​seen ​all ​sorts ​of ​things. ​

A ​lot ​of ​the ​times ​when ​I ​was ​pregnant, ​he ​was ​doing ​high ​risk ​pregnancy ​rotations ​or ​working ​with ​children, ​children ​who ​were ​profoundly ​disabled. ​And ​when ​you ​see ​that ​kind ​of ​thing ​every ​single ​day, ​you ​start ​thinking ​that ​it’s ​a ​lot ​more ​common ​than ​it ​is. ​And ​in ​fact, ​I ​think ​he ​started ​believing ​that ​it ​was ​just ​inevitable ​if ​we ​kept ​having ​children, ​we ​were ​going ​to ​wind ​up ​with ​some ​horrific ​outcome ​in ​his ​mind. ​

And ​one ​thing ​that, ​as ​we ​discussed ​these ​ideas, ​that ​I ​kept ​coming ​back ​to ​is ​that ​if ​God ​had ​lessons ​for ​us ​to ​learn ​that ​could ​only ​be ​learned ​by ​caring ​for ​a ​handicapped ​child, ​I ​would ​not ​have ​to ​give ​birth ​to ​a ​baby ​that ​was ​disabled. ​Any ​one ​of ​our ​strong, ​happy, ​healthy ​children, ​in ​a ​moment, ​could ​be ​rendered ​profoundly ​disabled. ​All ​it ​would ​take ​is ​a ​car ​wreck ​or ​a ​freak ​accident, ​a ​fall, ​a ​broken ​neck ​on ​the ​slip ​and ​slide, or ​meningitis ​or ​some ​other ​life ​threatening ​disease. ​And ​so ​I ​felt ​like ​we ​should ​trust ​God ​with ​the ​health ​of ​our ​children ​as ​well ​as ​the ​number ​of ​our ​children. ​

The hardest letter I ever wrote

Nevertheless, ​it ​continued ​to ​be ​an ​ongoing ​discussion. ​And ​no ​matter ​how ​well ​I ​articulated ​my ​position ​or ​backed ​it ​up ​with ​Scripture ​or ​communicated ​it ​through ​tears,  ​it ​didn’t ​seem ​to ​be ​moving ​the ​needle ​anymore. ​And ​so ​finally ​I ​wrote ​my ​husband ​a ​letter ​and ​told ​him,  ​”You ​know​where ​I stand ​on ​this ​issue. ​Nevertheless, ​I ​married ​you, ​and ​I’m ​willing ​to ​trust ​God ​to ​lead ​me ​through ​you.” ​ 

​I ​got ​to ​the ​point ​that ​I ​realized maybe ​God ​was ​putting ​this ​on ​my ​husband’s ​heart. ​I ​didn’t ​understand ​it. ​It ​didn’t ​make ​sense ​to ​me. ​It ​didn’t ​seem ​to ​line ​up ​with ​trusting ​Him ​the ​way ​we ​had ​historically ​trusted ​Him. ​But ​I ​realized ​that ​I ​needed ​to ​defer ​to ​him ​in ​this ​matter. ​

So ​I ​wrote ​him ​that ​letter and ​told ​him, ​

“You ​know ​where ​I ​stand ​on ​this. ​However, ​I’m ​going ​to ​trust ​God ​to ​lead ​me ​through ​you. ​And ​so ​if ​you ​have ​prayed ​about ​this ​and ​are ​convinced ​that ​this ​is ​what ​God ​would ​have ​you ​do, ​I ​will ​sign ​the ​papers.” ​ (Because, ​as ​it ​turns ​out, ​I ​don’t ​think ​you ​can, ​as ​a ​husband, ​get ​a ​vasectomy ​without ​your ​wife’s ​knowledge. ​I ​think ​she ​does ​have ​to ​sign ​off ​on ​it, ​or ​at ​least ​at ​that ​time ​she ​did. )​So, ​”I’ll ​sign ​the ​papers for ​you ​to ​do ​that, ​or ​if ​you ​feel ​like ​it ​would ​be ​better ​for ​me ​to ​get ​a ​tubal ​ligation, ​then ​I’m ​even ​willing ​to ​do ​that, if ​that ​is ​what ​you ​prayerfully ​and ​honestly ​believe ​God ​would ​have ​you ​do, ​I’m ​not ​going ​to ​fight ​with ​you ​anymore ​about ​it. ​I’m ​just ​going ​to ​pray ​for ​you ​as ​you ​make ​the ​decision.”

a Letter to my husband

And ​so ​that ​was ​probably ​one ​of ​the ​hardest ​letters ​I’ve ​ever ​written, ​but ​I ​meant ​every ​word ​of ​it. ​And ​it ​was ​shortly ​after ​that, that ​Doug ​read ​a ​book ​[More Than Meets the Eye] by ​an ​author ​named ​Richard ​Swenson. ​And ​the ​book ​was ​actually ​divided ​into ​two ​parts. ​The ​first ​part ​was ​about ​cell ​biology, ​and ​the ​second ​part ​was ​about ​astronomy, so ​it ​was ​going ​from ​the ​microcosm ​of ​the ​cell ​to ​the ​macrocosm ​of ​the ​universe. ​

And ​it ​was ​written ​by ​a ​Christian, ​Richard ​Swenson. ​I ​still ​have ​so much gratitude ​that ​he ​wrote ​that ​book, ​because ​while reading ​it, ​my ​husband ​came ​to ​realize ​that ​if ​God ​holds ​all ​of ​nature ​together ​in ​His ​hands, ​and ​we ​believe ​He ​does, ​and ​the ​Bible ​teaches ​that ​He ​does. ​

Colossians ​1:​16-​17 - "​For ​in ​Him ​all ​things ​were ​created ​things ​in ​heaven ​and ​on ​earth, ​visible ​and ​invisible, ​whether ​thrones ​or ​dominions ​or ​rulers ​or ​authorities, ​all ​things ​were ​created ​through ​Him and ​for ​Him. He ​is ​before ​all ​things, ​and ​in ​Him ​all ​things ​hold ​together." ​Or ​Hebrews ​1:3 - "The ​sun ​is ​the ​radiance ​of ​God's ​glory ​and ​the ​exact ​representation ​of ​His ​nature, ​upholding ​all ​things ​by ​His ​powerful ​word."Or ​Revelations ​4:11 - "Worthy ​are ​you ​our ​Lord ​and ​God, ​to ​receive ​glory ​and ​honor ​and ​power. ​For ​You ​created ​all ​things; ​by Your ​will ​they ​exist ​and ​were ​created. "​Or 1 ​Corinthians ​8:6 - "​For ​us ​there ​is ​but ​one ​God, ​the ​Father, ​from ​whom ​all ​things ​came, ​and ​for ​whom ​we ​exist. ​And ​there ​is ​but ​one ​Lord, ​Jesus ​Christ, ​through ​whom ​all ​things ​came ​and ​through ​whom ​we ​exist." ​• ​• ​• ​"

So ​if He ​is ​holding ​all ​of ​creation ​together, ​from ​the ​smallest ​detail ​of ​our ​​DNA ​and ​the ​protons ​and ​neutrons ​and ​electrons ​that ​make ​up ​each ​atom ​of ​our ​body, ​to ​the ​billions ​and ​billions ​of ​stars ​that ​make ​up ​the ​universe ​and ​galaxy ​upon ​galaxy, ​then ​He ​can ​certainly ​be ​trusted ​to ​take ​care ​of ​every ​detail ​of ​our ​life ​as ​well. ​

And ​so ​not ​only ​did ​my husband ​read ​that ​book (and ​God ​used ​it ​as ​a ​means ​of ​grace ​to ​change ​his ​mind ​on ​this ​issue), ​but ​he ​read ​the ​book ​aloud ​to ​us, as well. ​And ​I ​don’t ​know ​that ​our ​kids ​really ​grasped ​at ​the ​time ​how ​important ​that ​book ​was ​to ​the ​future ​of ​our ​family. ​But ​I ​know ​that ​later, ​when ​two ​of ​my ​children ​were ​in ​dental ​school ​in ​San ​Antonio, ​Richard ​Swenson ​came ​to ​address ​the ​Christian ​Medical ​and ​Dental ​Association ​there ​in ​town. ​And ​they ​got ​to ​meet ​him ​face-to-​face ​and ​tell ​him ​how ​impactful ​his ​book ​had ​been ​on ​our ​family. ​

So ​after ​that ​one ​little ​glitch ​in ​our ​family ​history, ​we were right ​back ​to ​trusting ​God ​with ​the ​number ​and ​spacing ​and ​timing ​of ​our ​children. ​And ​we ​ended ​up ​having ​four ​more ​babies ​before ​it ​was ​all ​said ​and ​done.

God is in control 

​I ​think ​it ​is ​interesting ​that ​the ​Bible ​talks ​about ​how ​God ​opens ​and ​closes ​the ​womb. ​And ​I ​continued ​to ​have ​12 ​years ​of ​regular ​cycles — ​like ​clockwork ​– after ​our ​#12 ​baby ​was ​born. ​And ​my ​husband ​and ​I ​continued ​our ​same ​schedule ​and ​never ​did ​anything ​during ​that ​dozen ​years ​to ​prevent ​pregnancy  (and ​faithfully ​did ​what ​it ​would ​take ​to ​conceive ​again). ​And ​yet, ​12 ​was ​obviously ​all ​that ​God ​had ​planned ​for ​our ​family. 

​I ​had ​one ​miscarriage ​after ​my ​youngest ​was ​born, ​but ​to ​my ​knowledge ​after ​that, ​I ​never ​conceived ​again, ​despite ​not ​going ​through ​menopause ​until ​I ​was ​57 or ​58. ​My ​youngest ​child ​was ​born ​the ​day ​after ​I ​turned ​45. ​And ​as ​much ​as ​I ​would ​have ​loved ​to ​have ​another ​baby ​(or ​two ​or ​three),  ​I ​have ​no ​regrets ​about ​how ​we ​conducted ​our ​life ​and ​how ​we ​put ​our ​own ​fertility ​on ​the ​altar ​to ​God ​and ​trusted Him ​with ​it. ​We ​didn’t ​squander ​a ​single ​moment ​of ​it.

​Again, as ​I’ve ​said ​before, ​I ​had ​easy ​pregnancies, ​easy ​deliveries, ​healthy ​babies, ​a stable ​marriage and my ​husband ​had ​a ​steady ​job ​that ​provided ​for ​us ​well. ​And ​so ​it ​really ​was ​an ​easy ​matter ​–most ​of ​the ​time — ​to ​trust ​God ​with ​our ​family ​planning. ​And ​we’ve ​been ​so ​delighted ​with ​the ​results ​of ​that ​that ​it ​makes ​me ​want ​to ​be ​completely ​sold ​out ​to ​Christ ​in ​every ​area ​of ​my ​life. ​

I ​shared ​this ​story ​with ​some ​dear ​friends ​of ​ours ​a ​few ​months ​ago, ​and ​they ​were ​surprised ​to ​hear ​it. ​Sometimes ​we ​think ​that ​people ​that ​have ​a ​lot ​of ​faith ​and ​are ​strong ​in ​their ​faith ​never ​have ​struggles ​or ​doubts, ​and ​that’s ​not ​always ​the ​case. ​

The ​important ​thing ​is ​what ​you ​do ​with ​those ​doubts.

My ​advice ​is ​to ​take ​them ​to ​the ​foot ​of ​the ​cross, ​pour ​them ​out ​before ​the ​Father, ​and ​search ​His ​word ​for ​encouragement. ​God ​is ​good ​all ​the ​time. All ​the ​time, ​God ​is ​good. And He ​gave ​us ​His ​Word ​so ​that ​when ​we ​face ​trials ​and ​temptations, ​we ​would ​have ​that ​solid ​foundation ​beneath ​us ​on ​which ​we ​can ​stand ​firm. ​

​I ​hope ​you ​have ​a ​wonderful ​Thanksgiving ​this ​week. ​​Let ​us ​carry ​that ​spirit ​of ​gratitude ​for ​God’s ​abundant ​blessings ​forward ​not ​just ​on ​Thanksgiving ​Day, ​but ​moment ​by ​moment, ​day ​by ​day, ​the ​whole ​year ​through. ​

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.

The post EP 68: The Time My Husband Nearly Got a Vasectomy appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 67: Early Education Ideas for Preschoolers

This week on Loving Life at Home, I’m tackling a question about early education for preschoolers: What can a mom of multiple toddlers do to make sure her little ones are getting what they need? Those were pressing thoughts on my mind, too, when I was a young mom, and in today’s episode, I’m sharing the advice a wise mentor gave me at the time. It served me and my children well and will hopefully do the same for you and yours!

Show NotesRELATED LINKS:Laying the Foundation for a LIfetime of Learning50 Picture Books Every Child Should ReadCultivating Creativity in Young ChildrenRaising Kids Who Love to ReadKeeping Toddlers Occupied50 Chapter Books to Read Aloud to Your FamilyChoosing Curricula Your Children Will Love Early Education Ideas for Preschoolerscomplete transcript for episode 67

Hello, ​friend. ​

Welcome ​to ​episode ​67 ​of ​Loving ​Life ​at ​Home. ​Today ​we’re ​talking ​about ​preschool ​and ​how ​can ​you ​ensure ​that ​you’re ​giving ​your ​toddlers ​exactly ​what ​they ​need ​at ​that ​age ​to ​lay ​a ​good ​foundation ​for ​learning ​that ​will ​serve ​them ​well ​through ​the ​rest ​of ​their ​schooling? 

​I ​got ​a ​letter ​recently ​from ​a ​listener ​who ​writes, ​

Jennifer, 

​I ​listened ​to ​a ​recent ​podcast ​and ​heard ​you ​talk ​about ​thinking ​that ​you ​might ​run ​out ​of ​questions ​to ​answer ​by ​the ​time ​you ​hit ​the ​one ​year ​mark ​of ​making ​podcasts. ​Yet ​you ​didn’t. ​Us ​mommas ​have ​so ​many ​questions ​for ​you!

All ​of ​my ​questions ​are ​related ​to ​toddlerhood. ​What ​should ​I ​expect ​from ​this ​season ​of ​my ​life? ​When ​should ​I ​start ​formal ​education ​for ​my ​boys? ​They ​are ​18 ​months ​and ​three ​years. ​[She ​actually ​has ​a ​set ​of ​twins ​mixed ​in ​there.] 

​I ​guess ​I’m ​wondering ​if ​I’m ​doing ​the ​right ​things ​and ​would ​like ​to ​hear ​what ​it’s ​been ​like ​for ​other ​parents ​with ​multiple ​toddlers ​at ​a ​time. ​What ​did ​a ​daily ​schedule ​look ​like ​with ​multiple ​toddlers? ​I ​watch ​all ​these ​videos ​of ​mamas ​with ​one ​toddler, ​but ​it’s ​so ​different ​having ​three ​at ​once. 

I ​love ​that ​she’s ​thinking ​about ​all ​these ​things ​early. ​We ​want ​to ​do ​all ​we ​can ​to ​fan ​the ​flames ​of ​our ​kids ​curiosity ​and ​build ​and ​instill ​in ​them ​a ​love ​for ​learning ​from ​the ​very ​earliest ​days. ​

​And ​really, ​her ​attitude ​reminds ​me ​a ​lot ​of ​my ​own ​attitude ​and ​I ​had ​just ​young ​ones ​at ​home ​and ​I ​do ​remember ​what ​that ​was ​like. ​I ​asked ​a ​lot ​of ​the ​same ​kind ​of ​questions ​from ​a ​trusted ​homeschooling ​mentor ​over ​three ​decades ​ago ​when ​my ​oldest ​children ​were ​approaching ​kindergarten ​age. 

​She ​gave ​excellent ​advice ​which ​I ​followed ​with ​great ​results. ​And ​so ​I’m ​going ​to ​begin ​by ​sharing ​the ​suggestions ​with ​you ​that ​she ​shared ​with ​me. ​And ​after ​that, ​I’ll ​address ​some ​of ​the ​specific ​questions ​she’s ​asking. ​

My ​first ​suggestion ​would ​be ​not ​to ​get ​in ​too ​big ​a ​hurry ​to ​do ​desk ​work ​with ​your ​little ​ones. ​Likely ​those ​little ​boys ​are ​going ​to ​have ​years ​of ​formal ​education ​ahead ​of ​them. ​And ​so ​you ​don’t ​have ​to ​rush ​to ​get ​started ​on ​that ​part. ​

There ​are ​better ​and ​more ​effective ​ways ​for ​them ​to ​learn ​during ​this ​season ​of ​their ​lives ​than ​to ​be ​crouched ​over ​a ​workbook ​with ​a ​pencil ​in ​hand, unless they ​just particularly ​love ​that, ​which ​some ​kids ​do. ​I ​was ​one ​of ​them ​that ​really ​enjoyed ​doing ​math ​from ​age ​2 ​or ​3. ​And ​my ​dad ​would ​make ​big ​legal ​pads ​full ​of ​math ​problems ​for ​me, ​and ​I ​ate ​it ​up. ​

But ​I ​realize ​that’s ​very ​unusual. ​ And ​especially ​for ​little ​boys, ​who ​I ​think ​the ​majority ​of ​them ​would ​rather ​be ​outside ​and ​learning ​and ​doing ​things ​with ​their ​hands. ​So ​don’t ​force ​that ​on ​them ​at ​this ​young ​age. ​My ​best ​preschool ​recommendations ​follow ​exactly ​what ​that ​trusted ​mentor ​told ​me, ​which ​is ​first…

1. Take ​Walks.

​Go ​on ​nature ​hikes. ​Take ​strolls ​around ​the ​block ​or ​try ​an ​outdoor ​scavenger ​hunt ​together. ​Set ​a ​leisurely ​pace. It’s ​not ​a ​race, so stop ​and ​smell ​the ​roses. ​Point ​out ​bugs ​and ​birds ​or ​flowers ​that ​you ​see ​along ​the ​way ​and ​teach ​your ​kids ​the ​names ​of ​the ​ones ​that ​you ​know. ​Let ​them ​pick ​up ​rocks ​or ​pine ​cones ​or ​pieces ​of ​bark ​to ​take ​back ​home ​and ​display ​on ​a ​shelf ​in ​the ​family ​room. ​

This ​really ​instills ​a ​love ​for ​nature ​and ​your ​children ​and ​it ​gets ​them ​outside ​in ​the ​fresh ​air ​and ​sunshine, ​which ​is ​so ​important, ​especially ​in ​this ​day ​and ​age ​when ​so ​many ​eyes ​are ​glued ​to ​a ​screen from ​such ​a ​young ​age. We ​want ​to ​really ​delay ​that ​as ​long ​as ​we ​can ​and ​get ​out ​in ​the ​fresh ​air ​and ​sunshine. ​That ​is ​so ​good ​for ​their ​development ​and ​for ​their ​brains. ​So ​that ​would ​be ​my ​first ​recommendation. 

2. Play ​Games. ​

Teach ​your ​little ​ones ​to ​play ​checkers ​or ​chess ​even, ​or ​other ​board ​games ​like ​Memory ​and ​Sorry. ​Work ​a, ​​puzzle ​together. ​

Start ​with ​just ​little ​wooden ​puzzles ​that ​are ​good ​for ​kids ​and ​work ​your ​way ​up ​from ​there ​to ​thirty ​piece, ​fifty ​piece, ​hundred ​piece, ​and ​so ​on. ​We ​have ​a ​lot ​of ​these ​big ​floor ​puzzles ​that ​our ​kids ​enjoy ​doing. ​Maybe ​they’d ​have ​the ​Alphabet ​on ​it ​or ​the ​human ​body ​or ​a ​world ​map, ​and ​it’s ​just ​maybe ​25 ​or ​30 ​pieces ​to ​put ​together. ​That ​was ​a ​lot ​of ​fun. ​

Shuffle ​a ​deck ​of ​cards ​and ​teach ​your ​children ​how ​to ​play ​Old ​Maid ​or ​Spoons ​or ​Go fish. ​Our ​family’s ​been ​on ​a ​Bananagram ​jag ​lately. ​Now, ​I ​know ​that’s ​a ​little ​bit ​advanced ​for ​three-year-olds, ​but ​my ​older ​ones ​would ​always ​play ​by ​the ​rules–it’s ​a ​great ​game ​for ​practicing ​spelling ​skills–but ​my ​preschoolers ​would ​just ​like ​to ​stack ​and ​sort ​all ​the ​letter ​tiles ​or ​use ​them ​to ​spell ​simple ​words ​that ​they ​might ​know, ​like ​cat ​or ​dog, ​and ​they ​don’t ​necessarily ​connect ​theirs ​like ​a ​crossword ​puzzle. ​

Then…

3. Read Books.

Reading ​lots ​and ​lots ​of ​books ​together ​is ​another ​good ​thing ​to ​be ​doing ​at ​this ​age. ​I ​have ​a ​great ​list ​of ​books ​that ​I ​recommend ​for ​young ​children ​on ​our ​website–50 ​different ​titles, ​that ​I ​will ​link ​in ​the ​show ​notes: ​board ​books, ​picture ​books, ​chapter ​books, ​reference ​books. ​

Reading ​to ​your ​child ​is ​one ​of ​the ​best ​investments ​you ​can ​make ​in ​his ​or ​her ​education. ​Read ​what ​they ​love, ​share ​what ​you ​love. ​Give ​your ​child ​books ​as ​gifts ​for ​birthdays ​and ​Christmas. ​Build ​a ​home ​library, ​of ​favorite ​books ​to ​read ​over ​and ​over ​and ​over ​again. ​

Or ​get ​a ​library ​card ​and ​bring ​home ​a ​stack ​of ​new ​books ​every ​week. ​Or ​better ​yet, ​do ​both. ​When ​my ​kids ​were ​growing ​up, ​we ​would ​go ​to ​the ​library ​once ​a ​week ​and ​check ​out ​as ​many ​as ​80 ​books ​at ​a ​time ​and ​bring ​them ​all ​home ​and ​we’d ​read ​five ​or ​10 ​of ​them ​at ​a ​lick (just ​children’s ​picture books).

And ​don’t ​worry ​if ​it’s ​a ​story ​you’ve ​read ​to ​them ​before. ​Children ​really ​benefit ​from ​reading ​the ​same ​book ​over ​and ​over ​and ​over ​again. ​We ​still ​do ​that ​with ​books ​that ​our ​family ​loves. ​We’ll ​read ​some ​of ​them ​once ​a ​year ​aloud ​because ​we ​enjoy ​them ​so ​much. ​

There’s ​a ​curriculum ​called ​Five ​in ​a ​Row, in ​fact, ​and ​the ​whole ​point ​of ​the ​curriculum ​is ​that ​you ​read ​the ​same ​story ​for ​five ​days ​in ​a ​row ​and ​do ​different ​activities ​based ​on ​that ​story. ​It ​was ​a ​fun ​curriculum ​to ​do. ​We ​used ​that ​for ​our ​preschoolers ​for ​a ​while. ​

Another ​great ​way ​to ​learn ​with ​your ​toddlers ​is ​to…

4. Cook ​Together. ​

Let ​your ​little ​one ​help ​with ​meal ​preparation. ​Teach ​him how ​to ​make ​simple ​dishes ​like ​soup, ​or ​let ​her ​peel ​carrots ​and ​add ​spices ​and ​pour ​in ​the ​water ​and ​help ​stir. ​All ​with ​your ​supervision, ​of ​course. ​

When ​baking, ​you ​can ​let ​your ​children ​measure ​the ​ingredients ​and ​show ​them ​how ​2 half-​cups ​or ​3 thirds ​or ​4 fourths ​make ​a ​whole. Experiment ​in ​the ​kitchen ​together ​and ​rate ​the ​results. ​

This ​is ​a ​great ​way ​to ​deal ​with ​picky ​eaters. ​There’s ​something ​about ​being ​involved ​in ​the ​preparation ​of ​the ​food ​that ​make the ​kids more ​excited ​about ​eating it. ​So ​get ​them ​involved ​in ​making ​salads ​and ​veggies ​and ​healthful ​foods ​and ​see ​if ​that ​will ​expand ​their ​tastes ​and ​make ​them ​more ​apt ​to ​eat ​what ​you ​put ​on ​the ​table.

​Then another ​great ​way ​to ​learn ​with ​preschoolers ​is to… ​

5. Sing Songs. ​

Make ​music ​a ​part ​of ​your ​daily ​life. ​Don’t ​just ​listen, ​although ​listening ​is ​recommended ​too. ​But ​get ​involved ​with ​your ​own ​voice ​and ​teach ​your ​children ​to ​do ​the ​same. ​Sing ​to ​your ​little ​ones ​and ​with ​your ​little ​ones.

Sing ​praise ​songs ​and ​lovely ​old ​hymns, ​counting ​songs ​and ​spelling ​songs, ​songs ​that ​teach ​important ​concepts ​and ​songs ​that ​are ​pure ​nonsense. ​Songs ​that ​you’ve ​loved ​for ​many ​years ​and ​songs ​that ​you ​make ​up ​on ​the ​spot. ​

Music ​is ​just ​such ​a ​great ​way ​to ​get ​ideas ​and ​concepts ​deep ​within ​your ​child’s ​heart. ​It’s ​a ​wonderful ​thing ​to ​set ​Bible ​verses ​to music, ​and ​sing ​those ​to ​your ​children. ​My ​kids ​can ​still ​quote ​verses ​that ​I ​sang ​to ​them ​when ​they ​were ​babies ​and ​taught ​them ​when ​they ​were ​toddlers, ​because ​that ​just ​sticks ​with ​you ​so ​long. ​And ​also, ​there ​are ​lots ​of ​educational ​songs ​out ​there.There is so much potential for teaching your children when they’re toddlers.

We ​have ​one ​that ​we ​sing ​that ​teaches ​all ​the ​orders ​of ​our ​presidents. ​We ​have ​another ​one ​that ​I ​use ​to ​teach ​the ​kids ​the ​states ​and ​capitals ​in ​the ​US ​and ​other ​geography ​songs ​that ​teach ​them ​about ​other ​countries ​and ​continents ​in ​the ​world. ​​Skip ​counting ​songs ​that ​help ​them ​learn ​their ​times ​tables. ​

There ​is ​really ​so ​much ​potential ​for ​teaching ​your ​children, ​even ​when ​they’re ​toddlers, ​things ​that ​they’ll ​need ​later ​in ​life. ​And ​when ​you ​set ​it ​to ​music, ​they ​just ​pick ​it ​up ​naturally. ​Some ​of ​our ​little ​ones ​learned ​it ​while ​I ​was ​working ​with ​older ​children ​in ​homeschool, and ​it ​just ​made ​learning ​those ​concepts ​that ​much ​easier ​when ​it ​was ​their ​turn. ​

[If you cannot see the embedded video, you may click here to view it.]

​And ​then ​I ​already ​touched ​on ​this, but ​another ​great ​way ​to ​spend ​your ​time ​when ​your ​kids ​are ​toddlers is to… ​

6. Memorize ​Bible ​Verses.

Don’t ​underestimate ​your ​little ​one’s ​ability ​to ​learn ​things ​by ​heart. ​Capitalize ​on ​it. ​Teach ​them ​scripture ​and ​poems ​and ​nursery ​rhymes ​and ​historical ​speeches. ​I ​often ​combine ​this ​activity ​with ​the ​one ​above, ​like ​I ​said, ​and ​set ​those ​concepts ​to ​music ​that ​I’m ​trying ​to ​teach. ​

But ​my ​own ​children ​have ​learned ​the ​times ​tables, ​the ​states ​and ​capitals, ​the ​planets ​of ​the ​solar ​system, ​the ​preamble ​to ​the ​constitution, ​and ​countless ​Bible ​verses ​or ​even ​entire ​chapters ​of ​the ​Bible that ​way. ​

Then ​another ​great ​activity ​for ​preschoolers ​is ​going ​places….

7. Take ​Field ​Trips. ​

Take ​your ​little ​ones ​to ​the ​park ​or ​to ​the ​zoo, ​the ​science ​museum ​or ​art ​museum, ​children’s ​museums, ​the ​planetarium. ​Take ​tours ​of ​any ​factory ​or ​business ​within ​driving ​distance ​that ​will ​give ​you ​one. ​

Sometimes ​there ​are ​age ​restrictions ​on ​that. ​I ​know ​a ​lot ​of ​times ​they ​want ​the ​kids ​to ​be at least ​six. ​So ​maybe ​when ​you ​are ​just ​dealing ​strictly ​with ​toddlers, ​you ​won’t ​be ​able ​to ​do ​some ​of ​those ​factory ​tours, ​but ​some ​of ​them ​cater ​to ​younger ​ones. ​

So ​go ​online ​or ​make ​some ​phone ​calls ​and ​see ​what ​you ​can ​find. ​Our ​local ​fire ​station ​and ​police ​station ​and ​even ​the ​local ​pizza ​place will let ​little ​ones ​come ​in ​and ​tell ​them ​about ​the ​work ​that ​is ​done ​at ​that ​location. ​

When ​my ​oldest ​four ​were ​all ​six ​and ​under, ​their ​dad ​worked ​two ​days ​a ​week ​in ​Fort ​Worth, ​Texas, ​in ​the ​heart ​of ​the ​cultural ​district. ​And ​so ​the ​job ​was ​about ​an ​hour ​from ​home, ​and ​he ​worked ​11-hour ​shifts. ​So ​the ​children ​and ​I ​would ​often ​ride ​with ​him. ​Otherwise ​we ​wouldn’t ​have ​seen ​him ​at ​all ​on ​those ​days. ​

So ​I ​would ​just ​get ​the ​kids ​out ​of ​bed ​and ​put ​them ​in ​the ​car ​with ​their ​pajamas ​still ​on, ​let ​them ​sleep ​all ​the ​way ​from ​Mesquite ​to ​Fort ​Worth ​for ​that ​hour ​drive. ​And ​that ​gave ​me ​and ​my ​husband ​some ​time ​to ​talk ​the ​way. ​

And ​then ​when ​we ​got ​to ​his ​job, ​we’d ​drop ​him ​off, ​I’d ​get ​the ​kids ​dressed, ​and ​we ​would ​spend ​the ​whole ​day ​going ​to ​area ​parks ​and ​museums. ​Most ​of ​those ​were ​free ​back ​then, ​and ​it ​was ​just ​such ​a ​great ​learning ​opportunity. ​They ​had ​the ​art ​museums ​and ​the ​children’s ​museums, ​natural ​history ​museum, ​modern ​art, ​traditional ​art, ​the ​zoo, ​pioneer ​village, ​where ​they ​could ​go ​through ​log ​cabins ​and ​see ​blacksmiths ​at ​work ​and ​stuff ​like ​that. ​

But ​we ​learned ​so ​much ​doing ​that ​without ​ever ​cracking ​open ​a ​school ​book. ​Then ​another ​great ​activity ​for ​toddlers ​and ​preschoolers ​is ​doing ​crafts. ​

8. Make Crafts.

I ​have ​a ​whole ​list ​of ​different ​ways ​to ​encourage ​creativity ​in ​very ​young ​children ​that ​I’ll ​link ​in ​the ​show ​notes. ​Give ​a ​little ​guidance ​to ​get ​your ​kids ​started ​if ​necessary, ​but ​then ​stand ​back ​and ​let ​them ​create. ​Or ​better ​yet, ​sit ​across ​the ​table ​and ​work ​on ​your ​own ​creation ​while ​they ​labor ​on ​theirs. ​

You ​can ​spend ​a ​lot ​of ​money ​on ​art ​supplies, ​but ​at ​this ​age ​that ​really ​isn’t ​necessary. ​A ​little ​glue, ​some ​construction ​paper, ​and ​a ​few ​colored ​markers ​will ​go ​a ​long ​way ​in ​encouraging ​your ​child’s ​creativity. ​And ​you ​can ​also ​save ​tin ​cans ​and ​egg ​cartons, ​cereal ​boxes, ​milk ​jugs, ​that ​sort ​of ​thing, ​and ​challenge ​your ​children ​to ​make ​something ​wonderful ​out ​of ​those ​objects. ​They ​may ​just ​surprise ​you. ​We ​do ​a ​lot ​of ​recycled ​art ​even ​now, ​but ​when ​my ​kids ​were ​little, ​they ​loved ​raiding ​my ​recycle ​bin ​and ​making ​things ​out ​of ​packaging ​and ​jars ​and ​tin ​cans, ​making ​things ​out ​of ​the ​stuff ​that ​would ​otherwise ​just ​go ​to ​the ​landfill ​or ​to ​the ​recycle ​center.

9. Keep Active.

Then ​another ​thing ​to ​do ​with ​your ​preschoolers ​is ​to ​keep ​active. ​They ​probably ​aren’t–especially ​those ​little ​boys ​–probably ​aren’t ​going ​to ​need ​a ​lot ​of ​encouragement ​on ​that. ​Your ​little ​one ​doesn’t ​need ​to ​sit ​in ​a ​desk ​for ​hours ​on ​end. ​Go ​outside ​and ​toss ​a ​frisbee ​or ​play ​tag. ​Jog ​around ​the ​block. ​

Do ​whatever ​you ​can to keep ​your ​body ​and ​theirs moving ​on ​a ​regular ​basis. ​And ​if ​you ​want ​some ​fun ​ideas ​for ​staying ​active ​as ​a ​family, ​you ​can ​check ​out ​my ​book ​Get ​Up ​& ​Go. ​It ​has ​over ​a ​hundred ​different ​little ​activities ​that ​you ​can ​do ​with ​your ​kids ​to ​get ​exercise ​in ​each ​day. ​

Then ​last thing ​I ​would ​suggest is to….

10. Stay ​Curious. ​

Most ​children ​are ​naturally ​curious, ​so ​do ​your ​best ​to ​share ​and ​encourage ​and ​cultivate ​that ​curiosity. ​Look ​for ​answers ​to ​your ​child’s ​burning ​questions ​together. ​Answer ​the ​questions ​you ​can ​and ​show ​them ​where ​to ​find ​the ​answers ​that ​you ​don’t ​know. ​

Talk ​about ​other ​curious ​people. ​Let ​them ​inspire ​you. ​Familiarize ​your ​children ​with ​history’s ​great ​thinkers ​and ​inventors ​and ​explorers ​and ​note ​some ​of ​the ​modern ​day ​conveniences ​that ​we ​have ​because ​of ​their ​curiosity ​and ​perseverance. ​

My ​purpose ​for ​sharing ​this ​list ​is ​not ​to ​discourage ​book ​learning, ​but ​to ​balance ​it. ​​Education ​can ​and ​should ​be ​far ​broader ​than ​the ​workbooks ​and ​the ​drills. ​Don’t ​buy ​into ​the ​notion ​that ​learning ​is ​something ​that ​happens ​only ​when ​the ​”school ​books” ​are ​out ​and ​open. ​That’s ​the ​whole ​beauty ​of ​home ​education! ​Parents ​are ​not ​confined ​to ​a ​classroom, ​but ​can ​take ​advantage ​of ​all ​these ​and ​other ​means ​of ​imparting ​knowledge, ​communicating ​truth, ​and ​fostering ​a ​lifetime ​love ​of ​learning ​in ​their ​little ​ones. ​

Of ​course, ​parents ​whose ​children ​are ​in ​private ​or ​public ​school ​also ​have ​the ​privilege ​of ​doing ​these ​things ​that ​this ​list ​suggests. ​Their ​families ​just ​have ​fewer ​hours ​together ​to ​squeeze ​such ​experiences ​into. ​But ​it ​is, ​is ​still ​a ​worthwhile ​endeavor.

In answer ​to ​your ​other ​questions: ​If ​you’re ​doing ​a ​variety ​of ​any ​of ​these ​things ​that ​I’ve ​listed, ​I ​would ​say ​yes, ​you ​are ​doing ​the ​right ​things. ​

As ​for ​what ​my ​schedule ​looked ​like ​back ​when ​I ​had ​multiple ​toddlers, ​that ​was ​25 ​years ​worth ​of ​history ​that ​we’re ​talking ​about ​because ​I ​had ​multiple ​toddlers ​for ​a ​quarter ​of ​a ​century, ​and ​also ​had ​a ​nursing ​baby ​for ​that ​length ​of ​time. ​So ​it ​really ​depended ​on ​how ​many ​children ​were ​talking ​about. ​

But ​the ​nursing ​baby ​was ​usually ​the ​first ​one ​up. ​I ​would ​nurse ​her ​maybe ​4 ​or ​5 ​in ​the ​morning, ​put ​her ​back ​to ​bed ​or ​him, as ​the ​case ​might ​be, ​and ​then ​would ​stagger ​the ​wake ​up ​times ​on ​my ​other ​children ​so ​that ​they ​could ​do ​their ​hardest ​lessons ​with ​me ​early ​in ​the ​morning. ​

Now ​again, ​our ​schedule ​changed ​a ​lot ​over ​that ​period ​of ​time, ​depending ​on ​how ​many ​children  ​I ​had ​and ​what ​courses ​they ​were ​taking ​at ​home, ​what ​grades ​they ​were ​in ​and ​such ​is ​that. ​But ​normally ​when ​I ​just ​had ​the ​toddlers, ​we ​would ​get ​up ​and ​eat ​breakfast ​together, ​then ​do ​some ​reading — some ​of ​those ​library ​books ​that ​we ​cart ​home ​every ​week.

We ​would ​read ​5, ​10 ​of ​those ​as ​long ​as ​the ​kids ​would ​be ​still. ​Some ​of ​our ​kids ​would ​sit ​still ​to ​listen ​to ​books ​and ​look ​at ​the ​pictures ​a ​lot ​longer ​than ​others. ​And ​so ​if ​I ​had ​one ​that ​loved ​looking ​at ​the ​pages ​and ​reading, ​then ​I ​would ​read ​longer ​than ​if ​I ​had ​one ​that ​just ​wanted ​to, ​you ​know, ​hurry ​through ​it ​and ​turn ​all ​the ​pages ​themselves ​and ​be ​done ​and ​crawling ​out ​of ​my ​lap ​and ​ready ​to ​go ​on ​to ​the ​next ​activity. ​So ​you ​really ​have ​to ​gauge ​it ​to ​the ​children. ​

I ​don’t ​know ​why ​I’m ​even ​trying ​to ​give ​you ​a ​set ​schedule ​because ​it ​is ​so ​hard ​depending ​on ​the ​children. ​So, ​anyway, ​breakfast, ​then ​some ​reading, ​and ​then ​we ​would ​do ​some ​songs ​together ​and ​hand ​motions ​and ​stuff ​like ​that. ​I ​would, ​during ​the ​reading, ​I ​would ​include ​a ​Bible ​time ​where ​we ​would ​just ​do, ​for ​that ​age, ​a ​couple ​of ​verses ​and ​talk ​about ​that ​and ​pray ​together. ​ 

​And ​then, ​we ​would ​usually ​do ​some ​artwork, ​maybe ​just ​using ​some ​colored ​paper, ​like ​I ​said ​before, ​and markers. ​And ​then ​we ​had ​toys ​that ​were ​building ​blocks ​or ​Duplo ​blocks–stuff ​like ​that. ​We ​would ​play ​with ​those ​for ​maybe ​half ​an ​hour, ​​go ​outside ​for ​a ​walk, ​come ​back ​in ​for ​lunch, ​take ​naps, ​wake ​up, ​read ​some ​more ​books, ​and ​work ​in ​the ​kitchen ​together ​to ​get ​dinner ​ready, ​eat ​when ​my ​husband ​got ​home, ​clean ​up, ​take ​baths. ​

My ​husband ​often ​supervised ​the ​bath ​time ​for ​the ​toddlers ​while ​I ​was ​nursing ​the ​baby ​and ​try ​and ​get ​baby ​to ​sleep ​and ​would ​often ​read ​chapter ​books ​to ​them ​while ​they ​were ​in ​the ​bathtub. ​We ​didn’t ​have ​a ​television. ​By ​the ​time ​we ​had ​three ​children, ​we ​didn’t ​have ​a ​TV ​anymore. ​I ​told ​you ​before ​that ​we ​watched ​so ​much ​of ​it ​it ​blew ​up, ​and ​we ​never ​replaced ​it. ​So ​our ​kids ​didn’t ​watch ​TV.

We ​did ​have ​a ​video ​library, ​though, ​and ​a ​video ​player ​that ​had ​no ​programming ​on ​it. ​So ​we ​couldn’t ​get ​any ​network ​programming ​or ​cable. ​But ​it ​was ​just ​a ​blue ​screen ​unless ​we ​put ​a ​VHS ​tape ​in ​it. ​And ​so ​we ​had ​a ​few ​educational ​kind ​of ​tapes ​like ​Richard ​Scarry’s ​ABCs and ​three ​or ​four ​little ​tapes ​that ​the ​kids ​really ​enjoyed ​watching. ​And ​they ​also ​taught ​alphabet, ​numbers, ​and ​stuff ​like ​that. 

​And ​so ​we ​would ​sometimes ​let ​them ​watch ​that. ​But ​that ​was ​really ​not ​very ​often, ​not ​a ​daily ​occurrence. Maybe ​every ​two ​or ​three ​days, ​they’d ​watch ​a ​little ​video. ​

But ​after ​bath ​time, ​we ​would ​give ​drinks ​of ​water, ​say ​prayers, ​tuck ​everybody ​into ​bed, ​and ​then ​hopefully ​get ​some ​sleep ​ourselves (although ​some ​babies ​did ​not ​allow ​as ​much ​sleep ​as ​others), ​and ​start ​all ​over ​the ​next ​morning. ​

So ​we’d ​do ​that ​schedule ​at ​least ​four ​days ​a ​week. ​And ​the ​fifth ​day ​we ​would ​take ​as ​a ​park ​day ​or ​a ​field ​trip ​day, ​until ​I ​started ​having ​older ​children, and ​we ​needed ​to ​do ​school ​five ​days ​a ​week. ​

So ​that, ​​I ​guess, ​is ​probably ​the ​best ​I ​can ​give ​you ​as ​a ​sample ​schedule ​for ​that ​age. ​As ​we ​added ​older ​and ​older ​children ​to ​the ​mix, ​but ​still ​had ​the ​nursing ​babies ​and ​the ​toddlers, ​then ​I ​would ​stagger ​wake ​up ​times ​and ​try ​to ​teach ​my ​older ​children ​their ​math ​while ​the ​babies ​were ​still ​asleep. ​

And ​then, once ​the ​babies ​were ​awake, ​we ​would ​eat ​together, ​then do ​the ​subjects ​that ​we ​would ​cover ​together. ​And ​we’d ​also ​rotate ​to ​where, ​while ​I ​worked ​with ​one ​older ​child ​on ​harder ​subjects, ​an ​older ​sibling ​would ​watch ​the ​babies. And ​they’d ​switch ​off. 

​And we’d ​do ​that ​until ​lunchtime, ​eat ​lunch ​together, ​read, ​read ​aloud ​together ​as ​I ​nurse ​the ​baby, ​put ​them ​down ​for ​naps. ​And ​then ​we’d ​do ​science, ​so ​we’d ​do ​math ​in ​the ​morning ​while ​baby ​slept, ​and ​science ​in ​the ​afternoon ​while ​the ​baby ​slept. 

​And ​then ​the ​rest ​of ​the ​time ​was ​spent ​on ​subjects ​that ​we ​could ​all ​do ​together (​history ​and ​literature ​and ​things ​like ​that) and ​also ​on ​field ​trips ​and ​outdoor ​play ​and ​free ​time ​and ​creative ​projects. ​And ​then ​we ​would ​do ​more ​read-alouds ​when ​my ​husband ​got ​home. 

​So ​I ​would ​read ​one ​book ​aloud ​during ​the ​afternoons ​and ​my ​husband ​would ​work ​on ​reading ​a ​different ​book ​aloud ​in ​the ​evenings. ​So ​we’re ​a ​big ​reading ​family, ​and ​we ​kept ​lots ​and ​lots ​of ​books ​going ​all ​the ​time.

I’ve ​had ​other ​moms ​of ​little ​ones ​ask ​me ​about ​specific ​curriculum ​that ​we ​used ​as ​our ​kids ​started ​entering ​kindergarten ​and ​first ​grade, ​second ​grade. ​I ​have ​a ​whole ​page ​on ​our ​family ​website ​about ​that ​I’ll ​link ​in ​the ​show ​notes. ​

But ​I ​do ​want ​to ​say ​a ​lot ​of ​the ​things ​that ​I ​have ​listed ​there ​were ​not ​things ​I ​taught ​to ​my ​kindergartner ​when ​I ​only ​had ​a ​kindergartner. ​When ​I ​had ​older ​children ​that ​were ​learning, ​and ​we ​were ​doing ​Story ​of ​the ​World ​or ​Apologia’s ​Young ​Explorer ​series ​for ​science ​or ​things ​like ​that, ​the ​kindergartners ​would ​listen ​in ​and ​learn ​it ​that ​way. ​

But ​when ​I ​only ​had ​kindergartners, ​we ​did ​all ​the ​other ​things ​that ​I’ve ​listed ​in ​this ​podcast, ​not ​the ​book ​learning ​so ​much (other ​than ​just ​story ​books ​and ​short ​biographies ​and ​that ​sort ​of ​thing). ​But ​not ​textbooks ​and ​not ​workbooks ​when ​they ​were ​just ​little ​bitty. ​

The ​Story ​of ​the ​World ​and ​the ​Apologi​a’s ​Young ​Explorer ​series ​both ​have ​lots ​of ​great ​suggestions ​for ​hands -on ​experiments ​and ​activities ​that ​kindergartners ​will ​remember ​for ​years ​to ​come. ​And ​so ​once ​you’re ​doing ​it ​with ​older ​children, ​then ​by ​all ​means ​let ​your ​kindergartener ​join ​in. 

​But ​if ​you’re ​just ​thinking ​about ​adding ​history ​and ​science ​and ​workbooks ​because ​you ​feel ​obligated ​to ​do ​so, ​and ​it ​would ​mean ​making ​you’re ​already ​fidgety ​toddlers ​sit ​still ​even ​longer, ​which ​is ​especially ​common ​(again) ​among ​little ​boys, ​then ​I’d ​advise ​to ​just ​stick ​with ​that ​list ​of ​activities ​that ​I ​provided: t​he ​walks, ​the ​games, ​the ​songs, ​the ​field ​trips, ​and ​delay ​the ​book ​work ​until ​they’re ​a ​little ​bit ​older ​and ​can ​handle ​it. ​

But ​if ​you’re ​itching ​to ​get ​started ​because ​your ​child ​has ​been ​eating ​up ​everything ​bookish ​you’ve ​done ​thus ​far ​and ​you’re ​eager ​to ​begin–​and ​your ​child ​is ​eager ​to ​begin–“​real school,” ​which ​is ​especially ​common ​among ​little ​girls, ​then ​go ​for ​it ​and ​cover ​the ​material ​at ​whatever ​pace ​that ​you ​and ​your ​child ​feel ​comfortable ​with. ​

Again, ​I ​have ​a ​lot ​of ​resources ​on ​our ​family ​website. ​I’ll ​link ​some ​of ​those ​that ​would ​be ​helpful ​for ​this ​age ​in ​the ​show ​notes, ​so ​take ​a ​look ​at ​that ​if ​you ​have ​further ​questions.

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The post EP 67: Early Education Ideas for Preschoolers appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 66: Marriage to a Difficult Man

Several years ago, I read a book entitled Marriage to a Difficult Man. I felt a little self-conscious toting it around with me at the time, lest anyone assume it was a how-to book rather than what it actually was: a biography of the famous 18th-century revivalist preacher Jonathan Edwards in relation to his very patient and supportive wife.

I have a similar concern in publishing this week’s episode, in which I offer advice to a reader who is looking for help in dealing with what she calls a “Jekyll and Hyde” husband. While over 37 years of marriage have taught me a lot about living in peace with a partner who can sometimes be difficult (a description he could rightly apply to me, as well), I would never go so far as to compare my own husband’s moods to the infamous and volatile Dr. Jekyll.

Nevertheless, I’ve endeavored to answer this reader’s question with tips that have been helpful in my own marriage and with ideas I’ve drawn from observing the marriages of those around me. I hope you’ll listen in and be encouraged.

The material for this week’s podcast comes from a blog post I wrote nearly ten years ago called “Living in Peace with Jekyll & Hyde.” To read that original article in its entirety, just scroll past the following show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:1 Pet 3:8 – “…be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate….”1 Cor 7:5 – “Do not deprive each other, except by mutual consent and for a time….”Proverbs 13:12 – “Hope deferred makes the heart sick….”1 Cor 13:15 – “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But….”Romans 3:23 – “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”Psalms 139:23-24 – “Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me, and know….”Galatians 6:9 – “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we….”James 1:2-3 – ” Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials….”  Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”Col 4:6 – “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt….” Phil 1:6 – “…He who began a good work in you will perfect it….” Phil. 4:8 – “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble….”RELATED LINKS:EP 34: The #1 Rule for Building a Happy MarriageEP 31: How to Love Your Husband WellEP 12: When You’re Married to a Problem SolverEP 2: Dealing with Difficult In-LawsLove Your Husband/Love Yourself (my book)STAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources) Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, printables) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement for wives, mothers, believers)

 

Q&A: Living with Jekyll & Hyde

We’ve received several questions through our family blog lately that deal with subjects better suited to this forum, so I’ve decided to publish my responses here, in case other readers are dealing with similar situations. Here’s the first, on living with Jekyll and Hyde.:

QUESTION: How do I deal with a Jekyll & Hyde husband?

Hi, Jennifer.

I would like to know how you would deal with a husband that is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

One minute everything is wonderful, the next thing he acts mad at me for everything under the sun…. I am not perfect and have made some mistakes, but I think I am a great wife. He has even made the comment that I have put up with a lot over the many years we’ve been married.

He can be wonderful at times, but very difficult to live with at other times.

Please help!
Walking on Eggshells

ANSWER: Proceed both carefully and prayerfully

It’s been decades since I’ve read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but I remember enough to know that Hyde would be a very difficult person to live with.

I believe in the book, the doctor’s transformation was caused by some concoction he was drinking. If your husband’s mood swings are caused (or made worse) by alcoholism or substance abuse of any kind, or if he is suffering from a psychological disorder like manic/depression or dissociative (split personality) disorder, or if his behavior is putting you or your children in physical danger, then please get some professional help ASAP.

But if, as your letter indicates, he simply acts one moment as if everything is rosy and the next as if he is intensely irritated by every little thing you say or do, then the following suggestions may help.

You will notice, I’m sure, that all these recommendations require you to adapt your attitudes and actions to him and his mood. And you may be thinking, “He’s the one with the problem, why should I be the one to change?”

I know that seems unfair. And it is.

You were probably hoping for a solution that would change your husband and the way he acts, and I wish I could give you one. But only God can change his heart.

You have no control over your husband’s actions. You can only control your response.

From the (omitted) details of your letter, it sounds like you are already working very hard to make your marriage work. Clearly, you feel you are doing your fair share and just wish your husband would be more appreciative and less volatile in recognizing that fact. In an ideal world, he would. That’s how it’s supposed to work, and I know it really stinks when reality falls short of what could or should be.

But think of it this way: Staying married is a little like driving a car.

To get safely from one place to another when you’re driving, you not only need to obey traffic laws and signals yourself, but you must also watch for other drivers who may be ignoring those same laws and signals.

This is a concept my own dear father had a hard time accepting. Whenever the law gave him the right-of-way, he was determined to take it, no matter what the other drivers around him were doing.

That attitude nearly got our family killed a few times. When we’d mention that fact to him, he’d argue, “Well, if we died, it would’ve been their fault.”

Yeah, maybe. But we’d still be dead.

And preventably so, if you saw a way to avoid the accident, but stubbornly refused to take it.

Likewise, if your marriage crumbles — even if it’s demise can be pinned 100% on your spouse — you and your children are still going to suffer the consequences. Knowing that someone else was to blame does not alter that fact. It won’t breathe life back into the casualties.

So what can be done (beyond all you are already doing) to prevent that from happening?

BE SYMPATHETIC:

Start by trying to understand your husband’s stressors and alleviate as many as possible. Do what you can to minimize the things that frustrate him. Here is a list of possibilities to get you started:

physical hungerfinancial strainself-doubtillness/ poor healthunfulfilled desire for sexfeeling disrespected (at home or work)overextended schedule (at work or home)concerns about the childrenresponsibilities and commitmentscaffeine withdrawalsunmet personal goals/ dissatisfactionrestlessnessbad modeling from his own fathercluttered/messy housemidlife crisisfluctuating hormonesgeneral irritability associated with agingimmaturityjealousy/ competitivenessgeneral sin natureguilt over specific sin(s)pride (in him or me)crisis of faith

Obviously, you have a measure of control over some of these things, such as cooking good meals to alleviate his physical hunger or saying yes when he’s in the mood to address his sexual hunger.

Over others, such as how his boss treats him at work or what kind of modeling his own father provided for him as a child, you have absolutely no control. But sometimes just recognizing these contributing factors and empathizing and encouraging your husband in the midst of them is enough to help alleviate their harmful effects.

So put yourself in his shoes and treat him as you’d want to be treated, were you dealing with the same stresses and pressures.

NOTE PATTERNS:

It may be helpful and instructive for you to keep a calendar of your husband’s mood swings for several months to see if you can pinpoint what might be triggering them.

Along with his moods, plot his work load, your menstrual cycle, extracurricular activities, your own attitudes, financial ups and downs, his call/vacation schedule, etc. Play the part of a detective and look for connections.

Again, you may not be able to do anything about the triggers, but just being aware of them can help you modulate your own actions and interactions to keep the peace at home and be sensitive to extra pressures your husband may be facing during certain times of the month or year.

Yes, it would be nice if he’d be sensitive to the pressures you’re facing, as well. Maybe someday God will mature your husband to the point that he can reciprocate in the sympathy and compassion department so things won’t seem so one-sided. But until then, you can still improve your situation by giving consideration to these matters, even if none of them are “your fault.”

PRAY ABOUT IT:

I’m sure you are already doing this, but beyond praying that God would change your husband or stabilize his moods, I’d encourage you to pray that He’ll give you wisdom and patience in responding to your man, and also ask Him to open your eyes to anything you may be doing to contribute to the discord.

Pray with the Psalmist, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” (Psalm 139:23-24, NASB)

Pray that God would open your eyes to your husband’s good points, as well. Pray that He’d help you keep your focus there, and would give you a deep and abiding love and appreciation for the man you married, and would make you a crown and a blessing to your husband in every way.

TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND:

Wait until your husband is in one of his good moods and gently broach the topic of how his bad moods affect you and the children.

Sometimes men vent their anger and frustration and don’t intend for anybody within earshot to take it personally — like a guy who lets loose a string of curses when he hits his thumb with a hammer, then can’t understand why his wife who overheard the tirade would think he was mad at her. I’m not trying to justify such behavior, by the way, I’m only attempting to explain that sometimes husbands just don’t realize how much their dark or angry moods hurt their wives.

So prayerfully try to explain all that in a nice way, without getting angry and accusatory. I know that’s a tall order, but if you come across as critical, self-righteous, or disrespectful, you’ll likely just make the situation worse.

If your husband is already aware of the problem, ask him if there is anything you can do to help stabilize his moods, and follow through as best you can. I know what keeps my husband happy is a tidy house and lots of sex with me, so — guess what? — that’s exactly what he gets. (Okay, so sometimes the house gets a little cluttered, but I’m extremely faithful in the other area, and that helps blind him to those piles of books on our dining room table.)

BE ENCOURAGED:

I hurt for any wife in your situation. Sin stinks. And it breaks God’s heart. These Jekyll & Hyde mood swings were never part of God’s perfect plan for marriage, nor do they accurately reflect Christ’s love for us.

Even so, you can still glorify God in the way you respond to the circumstances in which you find yourself. You can still grow and mature in Christ in the midst of it. And you can still have a happy, solid marriage, despite your husband’s volatile moods — but that happiness will hinge on your attitudes and reactions.

If you haven’t already done so, I’d encourage you to commit pertinent Bible verses to memory and draw strength from them when the going gets tough. Here are a few I’d recommend, for starters:

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9, NIV)“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” (James 1:2-3, NASB)“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1, NIV)“Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.” (Colossians 4:6, NASB)“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8, NIV)“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6, NASB)

You may also want to read this post. It’s about getting along with difficult mother-in-laws, but the strategies outlined work equally well when dealing with difficult spouses, bosses, neighbors, or anybody else who has a demanding personality or seems impossible to please.

MORE BIBLICALLY SOUND MARRIAGE ADVICE

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband, Love Yourself.

The post EP 66: Marriage to a Difficult Man appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 65: How to Overcome Wrong Thinking

Nearly everyone has to wrestle with negative or sinful or intrusive thoughts at one time or other, so in today’s episode, we’re talking strategies for overcoming bad thoughts and taking them captive to the obedience of Christ.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:2 Cor. 10:5 – “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against….”Psalm 19:14 – “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be…”Romans 12:2 – “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by….”1 Cor. 10:13 – “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind….”Eph 6:16-17 – “…taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to….”James 4:7-8 – “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you…..”Matthew 6:13 – “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil…”Isaiah 26:3 – “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed on You….”Psalm 23:4 – “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will….”Matt. 11:28 – “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden….”Phil. 4:6-7 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication….”James 1:19-20 – “Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak andslow to anger….”Matt. 12:34-35 – “For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks….”Matt. 5:44 – “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that ….”Gal. 5:24 – “Now those who belong to Christ Jesus crucified the flesh with its….”Matt. 5 27-28 – “You’ve heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you….”1 Cor. 6:18 – “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a man can commit is….”2 Tim. 2:22 – “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity….”Romans 13:14 – “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for….”Phil. 4:8 – “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure….”1 Peter 5:5 – “Dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for God….”Prov. 16:18 – “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before fall.”1 Cor. 4:7 – “What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why….”Phil. 2:3-5 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility….”Jer. 17:9 – “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick….”2 Cor. 12: 20 – “…there may be quarreling, jealousy, rage, rivalry, slander, gossip,”1 Tim. 5:13 – “Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house….”Prov. 21:23 – “Whoso keepeth his mouth & his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.” Eph. 4:31 – “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander….”Col. 3:8 – “But now you must also rid yourselves of…. anger, rage, malice, slander….”1 Peter 2:1 – “So put away all malice & all deceit & hypocrisy & envy & all slander.”Eph. 4:29 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only….”James 3:14-17 – “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart….”2 Cor. 10:12 – “… measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves….”Col. 3:13 – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a….”Eph. 4:32 – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as…”Heb. 12:15 – “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God & that no bitter root….”Matt. 6:14-15 – “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will….”Rom. 12:3 – “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think….”Psalm 139:14 – “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made….”Genesis 1:27 – “in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”Psalm 8:5 – “You made him a little lower than the angels; You crowned him with….”1 Cor. 6:19 – “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within….”2 Cor. 5:15 – “He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves….”Rom. 14:7 – “…none of us lives for himself and no man dies for himself.”RELATED LINKS:EP 28: Bible Memory TipsTaking Every Thought Captive PrintableWhat God Hath Promised by Annie Johnson FlintPraying for Your EnemiesScrewtape LettersEP 11: Forgiving Fully & FreelySTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, printables) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement for wives, mothers, believers) How to Overcome Bad Thoughtscomplete transcript from Episode 65

Hello, Friend.

Welcome to Episode 65 of Loving Life at Home. Today we are talking about How to Overcome Wrong Thinking.

I received a message from a reader a while back asking if I could publish a list of verses on taking every thought captive. She wrote:

Hi Jennifer,

I have been blessed to come across your wonderful blog and printables. I’m a mama to 13 and glad to gain advice for all the many seasons I find myself in at once!

One area I know I need to strengthen is the battlefield of my mind. I need to hide God’s word in my mind to combat the postpartum mom brain that is trying to [simultaneously] parent young adults, children, and nursing babies with wisdom!

Do you have a printable with scriptures that speak to the idea of taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ? I’d love to have a sheet of verses I can post on my cupboard or tuck in my Bible.

Thank you for your investment in your family and in other moms…

Well, I know from experience how taxing it sometimes feels to be tending to so many various needs of so many various ages all at once, and this mama is right: Memorizing and mediating on scripture does help.

It keeps us well-grounded and reminds us to focus our attention on the things that matter most and provides the steady source of wisdom a mother so deeply needs each and every moment of every day.

So, I did as she requested and compiled a list of ten verses that speak specifically to this idea of renewing our minds and focusing our hearts upon our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I formatted them into a pretty, one-page printable you can download for free (I’ll put the link in today’s show notes), and I put the same ten verses – in your choice of KJV or NASB — on some pretty little individual scripture cards you can use as bookmarks or post around the house or review daily until you have them all memorized.

The collection includes verses like…

2 Corinthians 10:5 – “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ….”Psalm 19:14 – “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.”Romans 12:2 – “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good & acceptable & perfect.”

However, I’d like to expand on this topic on the podcast this morning, because combating negative or sinful or intrusive thoughts is something we all have to do at one time or other. And depending on the kind of thoughts you’re dealing with, some strategies may be more helpful than others.

1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

General principles for combatting wrong thoughts:

Scripture: (sword of the spirit – Eph 6:) – read, memorize, meditate…Faith: Shield of faith…Prayer: I’m a firm believer that – when it comes to wrong thinking or any other kind of spiritual attack – the strongest position from which to do battle in down on our knees. James 4:7-8 – “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” Jesus taught his disciples to pray in Matthew 6:13 – “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil…”Praise & Thanksgiving:Recount past instances of God’s faithfulnessMusic: King Saul & David

So let’s consider what kinds of thought struggles commonly trip people up, and discuss strategies for taking those thoughts “captive to the obedience of Christ” so they won’t pull us down into a deep pit of despair or distraction or depravity.

1. Fear & Worry

This is a tendency that seems especially common to mothers. Deep-seated desire to protect our children, which is good. But can sometimes lead us to perseverate on all the horrible things that might go wrong….

….child: nightmares. When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Eventually learned to identify the fact I was having a bad dream, even in my sleep, and I would think… This is just a nightmare. I don’t want to dream about this , I’m going to dream about happy things, instead like Christmas or summer or garage sales – and I’d flip the switch and change that dream without even having to wake up.

But then I had to learn to do it again – not just in my dreams, but in real life as well – when I was a young mother and my firstborn was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes before he even turned 2.

Each time, I had to train myself to focus not on my problems, but on the problem solver. Not

That’s really the secret to overcoming fearful and anxious thoughts. When Satan tempts you to dwell on the waves that are threatening to engulf you, you shift your focus instead to the Savior who can quiet those waves with a word. Instead of focusing on your problems, you look to the problem solver. Instead of worrying about what’s going on in the world, you keep preaching  the truth to yourself and putting your faith in the One who holds the whole world in His hands.

Isaiah 26:3 – “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.”

It’s not that I think bad things won’t ever happen to me – I know very bad things often do happen and have no reason to believe I won’t be affected by some of them. But I am 100% confident that I will never have to face any difficulty or hardship or tragedy alone, because I know God will never leave or forsake me. And that is sufficient to keep my heart at rest and my mind at peace.

Psalm 23:4 – “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

I memorized a poem when I was young that highlights this line of thinking:

What God Hath Promised

by Annie Johnson Flint

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

So, those are the things I remind myself whenever Satan tries to lure me into fearful, anxious, or worried thoughts. And – if it’s any encouragement to you – he seldom even tries to trip me up that way anymore. The more you exercise those faith muscles, the stronger they get. And the more you witness God’s tender watch care over you (through good times and bad), the more confident you are that He will continue to be likewise faithful in the future.

In addition to quoting scripture to myself and meditating on God’s Word, I recommend you pray about whatever you are afraid of or worried about… take your burdens to the foot of the cross and leave them there.

Matt 11:28 – “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”Philippians 4:6-7 - “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Another category of thoughts we need to take captive to the obedience of Christ is…

Anger & Resentment –James 1:19-20 – “ let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”

The problem is, if you give place to angry and hateful thoughts, those things are eventually going to spew out of you.

Matt 12:34-35 – “For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of his good store of treasure, and the evil man brings evil things out of his evil store of treasure.”

Ways to turn those angry thoughts around: Pray for the person or the situation you’re upset with.

Jesus commands us to pray for our enemies. On the sermon on the mount, he bids us to: “

Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” (Matt 5:44)

You start praying for the person you are at odds with– and really meaning it – and it has a way of softening your heart toward them. I suspect that as long as Satan can get us all riled up and angry about some past offense, he will continue to bring it to mind and tempt you to perseverate on it.

But when he sees that you use that same remembrance as a cue to fervently pray on behalf of that person instead of inwardly fuming at him, the devil is going to leave off even trying.  Plus, of course, God gives an extra measure of grace to those who obey Him, even when they don’t feel like it, which may be true of you in the beginning…

So, we’ve talked about fear and worry. And anger and resentment. Another example of bad thinking we need to cut out is lustful thoughts and uncontrolled appetites….

Lust & Perverted AppetitesGalatians 5:24 – “Now those who belong to Christ Jesus crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”Matthew 5 27-28 – “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”1 Cor 618 – “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a man can commit is outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”2 Tim 2:22 – “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”

Strategies to combat lusts & sinful cravings:

Change location. Avoid isolation. Get an accountability partner – ideally as spouse or a parent, but if that won’t work for whatever reason, then find a fellow believer who will hold you accountable and ask tough questions. Also, follow advice given in Romans 13:14, “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.” Other versions: “And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge  or gratify your evil desires.”

By the way, we tend to think of lust as being sexual in nature, but there are other kinds of sinful cravings that can sidetrack us: food addiction. Social media addiction. Drugs and alcohol or cigarettes. Or shopping or gambling.

So when Scripture tells us to make no provision for the flesh, it means we need to set up roadblocks and safeguards to protect ourselves from making poor choices in any of these areas. Because stumbling in any of these areas rarely starts with the act itself, but with thinking about the act. Which, again, is why it is so important we take all such thoughts captive instead of letting them control us.

I don’t normally wake up in the morning to find a pound of fantasy fudge in my mouth, just waiting to be swallowed. No, in order for me to eat that much fudge, I’m gonna first have to think about how good it would taste, and then decide to eat some – maybe just a small piece.

Then I’d have to procure it. If I’d truly “made no provision for the flesh” that means I would have stocked fudge in my pantry, so I’d have to go to the store to buy some, or at least buy the ingredients to make some…

And them bring them home. Then whip it up. Then wait for it to set. Then cut it into squares. Then eat first one piece, then another, then another, then another, until I’d ingested an entire pan of it, and then I’d probably feel sick and regret it….

But none of that began with the eating. it all started with that initial craving  and my decision to indulge the craving.

The same pattern holds for any temptation you act on. First, it enters your mind, and later – often much later – you act on it.

I don’t believe that initial temptation, the moment some wild thought  first occurs to us, is a sin. When we first notice it flit into our stream of consciousness, we should reject it completely. We could say “Whoa, I don’t know where that thought came from, but it is not reflective of my heart and I’m going to jettison it immediately – just like I used to do with those bad dreams – and think about something just, pure, lovely, right, true, virtuous and praiseworthy  instead (Phil 4:8)

It’s not until we make a willful decision to entertain the thought – when we invite it draw up a chair and stay awhile – that there’s a problem.  As Martin Luther once said, “we cannot prevent the birds from flying over our head, but there is no need to let them nest in our hair.”

Another category of thoughts that we need to clear away are those that spring from…

Arrogance & Pride

Scripture makes it clear that our pride is so offensive to God. 1 Peter 5:5 commands us to “dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before fall.” Prov 16:18

To combat pride: Be mindful of the fact that everything you have came from God. Your looks. Your brains. Your talents. Your abilities. Your possessions. All of it.

1 Corinthians 4:7 – “What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?”

Important that we recognize the difference between pride and confidence. Pride is the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance – it craves recognition and honor.

Confidence—at least for the believer–is an acknowledgement that God has specially gifted you in a particular area and a willingness to use that gifting in service to others and to the glory of God.

This definition of confidence goes hand-in-hand with the humility we’re told in Philippians 2:3-5 to cultivate:

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves;  do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus”

I love what C.S. Lewis wrote about pride in the Screwtape Letters: The senior demon Screwtape was giving advice to his nephew Wormwood, a junior demon, on how to trip humans up in the area of pride:

“By this method thousands of humans have been brought to think that humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools. And since what they are trying to believe may, in some cases, be manifest nonsense, they cannot succeed in believing it and we have the chance of keeping their minds endlessly revolving on themselves in an effort to achieve the impossible.”

C.S.Lewis

And that sums up the problem succinctly. Pride keeps our attention focused on ourselves.

Turning our focus outward (on how can I serve others?) instead of inward (what do others think about ME?)  is one of the best ways I know to combat pride and arrogance.

I’ve found that two tell-tale signs that there is still some pride to be rooted out of my heart?

FIRST – If I’m over-sensitive to pride in other people. It takes one to know one! True humility lets you stop the comparison game altogether.

Most likely, you’ll still be able to recognize prideful behavior in somebody else, but it won’t get under your skin the way it does when you feel like that person is jockeying for the attention YOU want and deserve for yourself.

SECOND – When I’m overly concerned that somebody might think I’m being prideful, I’m probably being prideful. Being humble means being okay if others have a low opinion of you, provided your heart is right before God.

(Story about head covering)

Same with pride. I know people sometimes mistake my confidence for pride. God made me really good at a lot of things, and I want to use all the gifts He’s given me for the good of others and for His glory. But If I let my concern that others might think I’m being prideful cause me to shrink back from doing something God has called me to do, then that in itself is an act of pride. False humility is not humility at all—it is just pride pretending to be humble.

I’ve had to make peace with the fact that people won’t ever fully understand my heart or my motives. Jeremiah 17:9 indicates that I don’t even understand it myself: “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; Who can understand it?”

All I can do is to align my thoughts and actions with Christ’s as best I can, to be more concerned with what God thinks than with the opinion of man, and trust the LORD  to conform me to the image of His dear Son, thus completing the good work He began in me.  

Another category of bad thoughts we must guard against is closely related to pride, and that is…

Gossip & Slander2 Cor 12: 20 – “For I am afraid that when I come, I may not find you as I wish, and you may not find me as you wish. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, rage, rivalry, slander, gossip, arrogance, and disorder.”

He warns in 1 Tim 5:13 – “Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.”

Combat it with old adage, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

 Put a guard on your mouth.

Prov. 21:23 - "Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.” -

Slander appears in multiple lists of things the Bible tells us to put away: Eph 4:31, Col 3:8; 1 Peter 2:1.

Eph 4:29 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Another category of wrong thoughts we must combat includes…                

Jealousy, Envy, & DiscontentmentJames 3:14-17 – “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, free of hypocrisy.”

To combat jealous, envious thoughts:

Stop comparing – 2 Cor 10:12 warns against measuring ourselves against ourselves and comparing ourselves with ourselves. When you catch yourself doing this, STOP and insteadCount your blessings and start thanking God for them.Also thank God for blessing the person you’re envious of and pray that He would continue to do so

Another kind of bad thinking we must guard against is…

Bitterness & Unforgiveness

I’ve posted an entire episode on forgiveness in the past—I think it’s Episode 11—which I’ll link in the show notes, so I hope you’ll tune in if this kind of wrong thinking is a problem for you. But if I were struggling with such thoughts, this is the truth I’d be preaching to myself:

Col. 3:13 – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”Eph. 4:32 – “ Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”Heb. 12:15 – “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”Matt 6:14-15 – “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.”

Yet another category of intrusive thoughts we must guard against are those centered on…

Self-Loathing or Self-Harm

Just as we should not think of ourselves more highly than we ought, we must also resist the urge to demean ourselves

Rom. 12:3 – “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.”

Sober judgement means we have a proper understanding of our worth in Christ – which is significant.

Jesus loved us enough to die for us. (John 3:16)Psalm 139:14 tells us we were fearfully and wonderfully made.Genesis 1:27 tells us God created us in His own image: “in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”Psalm 8:5 says God made us a little lower than the angels and crowned us with glory and honor.

There is no room for self-loathing when you have an accurate view of the crowning jewel of God’s creation, which is humankind.

And as for self-harm, 1 Corinthians 6:19 commands us:

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?  For you have been bought for a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”2 Corinthians 5:15 - "He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died for them and was raised again.

Romans 14:7 reminds us that “none of us lives for himself and no man dies for himself.” So let us say with Paul, “I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”

If this latter kind of wrong thinking is a persistent problem, I recommend you talk to a trustworthy fellow believer about it – preferably a parent or spouse – who can hold you hold you accountable, check up on you regularly, and help you find professional help if you need it.

Also, do your best to identify triggers and avoid them. If reading certain books, watching certain shows, or consuming certain media make thoughts of self-loathing or self-harm more frequent, then avoid those books, shows, and media!

I have a very empathetic daughter who, many years ago, spent a lot of time researching suicide prevention. But she eventually realized she was sacrificing her own mental health by spending so much time focused on the terribly sad stories, so she stopped doing that.

I remember coming to a similar conclusion back in the early years of marriage when I was at home alone with two little babies all day long and used to watch a very popular talk show every afternoon. At the time, it seemed like that show featured all sorts of guests who came from the most dysfunctional families you could imagine – and being very empathetic myself, just like my daughter, those stories would get inside my head and color the way I saw my own life circumstances – and not in a good way.

Thankfully, God took care of that situation pretty quickly by allowing our television set to blow up – with smoke and sparks and everything – and I noticed such a vast improvement with my own thought life in the absence of those talk shows and new programs that we ended up never replacing the TV. Which is one of the best marital decisions my husband and I ever made.

I’m sure there are a lot of categories of wrong thinking I haven’t covered, but I’m going to lump those all together in an umbrella group called…

Faulty, Unbiblical thinking

Anytime you entertain thoughts that run contrary to God’s Word, you are heading for trouble. This, again, is why we need to be well grounded in Scripture – reading it, memorizing it, and meditating on it daily, so we can easily recognize thoughts that don’t line up with it, reject them, and replace them with the truth.

I hope you’ll commit to living like the Bereans, who examined the scriptures daily. And I hope the tips and verses I’ve shared today will help you rise above any wrong thoughts that have attempted to drag you down and walk in victory over them. If you can win this battle of the mind, the rest of your Christian walk will be just that much easier.

The post EP 65: How to Overcome Wrong Thinking appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 64: 8 Crucial Things My Mom Got Right

Today is my mom’s 87th birthday, and this episode is in her honor. I’m immeasurably blessed to have the mother God gave me, and have learned so much from her over the years. Today I’m sharing 8 crucial things my mom got right, so you can benefit from her good example, too.

Show Notes:VERSES CITED:Proverbs 31:15 – “She rises while yet it is night….” Proverbs 31:17 – “She sets about her work vigorously….” Proverbs 31:25 – “She is clothed with strength and dignity….”Proverbs 31:26 – “She opens her mouth with skillful and godly wisdom….”Proverbs 31:27-31 – “She looks well to how things go in her household….”James 5:16 – “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”Ephesians 5:22 – “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”Ephesians 5:33 – “…and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”Colossians 3:8 – “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”John 15:13 – “Greater love has no one than this, that one should lay down his life….” Philippians 2:3-4 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but….”1 Peter 4:9 – “Show hospitality to one another without complaining.”Ecclesiastes 12:12 – “…excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body.”Proverbs 9:18 – “Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.”Proverbs 3:24 – “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines….”Hebrews 10:24-25 – “…not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some….”1 Peter 3:15 – “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to….”Romans 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”RELATED LINKS: Free Printable Prayer GuidesEP 1: How to Find a Good MentorEP 38: Making the Most of Your Child’s Learning StyleUntil the Streetlights Come On by Ginny Yurich 8 Things My Mom Did RightCOMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE 64

Hello, Friend. Welcome to Episode 64 of Loving Life at Home. Today – October 21 – is my mother’s 87th birthday. I got to see her over the weekend, but I  teach co-op classes all day on Mondays, so I won’t be able to celebrate with her today.

However, she is probably my most faithful listener to this podcast – I know that at least 2 people will tune in to every episode: One is my mother and another is my daughter-in-law Rebekah – so I thought dedicating this episode to Mom would not only be a great way to honor her, but would also allow you to learn and benefit from the wonderful example I’ve been so blessed to observe and enjoy, not just in my childhood years, but throughout my entire life. With every passing year, my appreciation for my mother grows deeper and deeper.

She is the embodiment of Proverbs 31. Verse 15: “She rises while yet it is night,” verse 17: “She sets about her work vigorously,” verse 25: 2 verse 26: “She opens her mouth with skillful and godly wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness,” and verses 27-31 (in the Amplified version):

“She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness [discontent, gossip, or self-pity] she will not eat. Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, prosperous, to be admired); Her husband also, and he praises her, saying, ‘Many daughters have done nobly, virtuously, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.’ Charm and grace are deceptive, and [superficial] beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD [reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect], she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city].”

My mother did so many things well, it would be impossible to enumerate them all, but I’d like to touch on a handful of really important things she got right and that we, as wives and mothers, would do well to emulate.

First of all, she…

1. Prayed for me faithfully

James 5:16 tells us, “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” (KJV) Same true for a righteous woman. NASB says such faithful prayer can “accomplish much.” NIV translates this verse, “The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

However you shake it, my mother’s faith in God is the bedrock of her life, and she communes with Him through pray and Bible study daily, getting down on her knees – even at 87 – to intercede on my behalf and on behalf of all my children and grandchildren whom she prays for by name. That is powerful! It has been a wonderful example which I’ve striven to emulate. And God has been so faithful to honor those prayers! 

If you want to make prayer a more integral part of your life but don’t know where to start, I have a lot of free, printable Bible-based prayer guides to help which I’ll link in today’s show notes, so check them out.

Another thing my mother got right is that she…

2. Honored my father

She honored him just as the Bible commands wives to do:

Ephesians 5:22 – “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”Ephesians 5:33 – “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Colossians 3:8 – “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

My mother took all those commands seriously and lived by them. My father was not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but I sure thought he was when I was growing up, because my mother was so faithful to honor and respect him and to cause her children to do the same.

I was what people called a daddy’s girl when I was younger. I thought my dad hung the moon, and my mother was content to let Dad shine untarnished in my estimation – which was really a humble and unselfish thing for her to do.

She could’ve grumbled at him when he was being difficult, or made snide remarks under her breath, or pointed out all the ways he wasn’t perfect to disabuse me of that notion, but she didn’t.

As an adult, I now realize that my sweet daddy did have faults (I know this primarily because I struggle with some of the same tendencies). He was stubborn and hard-headed. He was very creative and did beautiful work but took forever to finish some projects which meant my mother had to make peace with the disordered mess he generated in the meantime. He loved to argue – a love my mother definitely didn’t share (I’d get easily drawn into Dad’s debates when I was younger, but have become much more like Mom as I’ve aged).

The point is, Mom loved and respected Dad in spite of his flaws and compelled me to love and respect him too, which I did wholeheartedly.

And speaking of love, that’s another thing Mom got right. She…

3. Loved me sacrificially

John 15:13 tells us, “Greater love has no one than this, that one should lay down his life for his friends.”

And my mother certainly laid down her life for her family on a daily basis. She daily lived out Philippians 2:3-4:

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” She sacrificed sleep when I was sick or had a bad dream or needed her help to meet some deadline.She sacrificed her preference for a perpetually clean and tidy house by letting me paint and sew and craft to my heart’s content.She sacrificed her desire to stay at home with her children when it became necessary for her to go back to work to help make ends meet. She sacrificed the opportunity to advance in her company, because accepting the new position would’ve meant uprooting our family, and she didn’t want to take me and my sister away from the friends and schools and church where we were flourishing at the time.She sacrificed peace and quiet by opening our home to my friends for game nights and study sessions and church fellowships and ice cream socials and caroling parties and pancake breakfasts and more. 1 Peter 4:9 tells us to “Show hospitality to one another without complaining.” And she and dad both modeled that beautifully, and my husband and I have done our best to emulate their example. I loved growing up in the house where people naturally congregated, and I love providing that same kind of welcoming environment for my kids and their friends and families.Even after I was married, Mother continued to make sacrifices, spending what little free time she had babysitting my children whenever we asked, playing board games with us every Friday night, hunting garage sales with me every Saturday morning, hosting my growing family for Sunday dinner every week (and feeding us any other time every time we showed up on her doorstep, which was pretty often while my husband was in school).

The funny thing is, she never acted like any of these things were a sacrifice.

Maybe her love for us was so overpowering, it didn’t feel sacrificial at all. But sometimes now, when I feel bone weary when my teenager needs to talk, or my plans for a quiet evening spent reading a book gets derailed when a group of friends and grandkids descend on the house for a movie night, or somebody spills glitter all over my freshly mopped floors – which, let’s be honest, is still likely to be me – I laugh and marvel at how my mother had the reserves of energy to face similar situations with so much patience and grace.

Another thing my mother got right? She…

4. Read to me

When I was little, I would accost my mom with a stack of picture books almost as tall as I was, and she would read them all to me, no matter how many times she’d read them before….

Ecclesiastes 12:12 says, “the writing of many books is endless, and excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body.”  And I’m sure my poor mother would’ve said a hearty AMEN to that on occasion. She used to read until she got so sleepy, she’d start making up words instead of reciting what was actually written on the page, and we’d elbow her and say, “No, no, that’s not how it goes,” and she’d back up and try again.

Now once my sister and I started school, we didn’t read with mom nearly as much. And reading chapter books as a family was not really a part of my childhood like it is for my own children, probably because I attended public school and had a lot of assigned reading to do with those classes, whereas my kids are homeschooled and the read-alouds are a big part of their education. Nevertheless, my mother put me and my sister in good stead by reading to us so much before we ever started kindergarten.

And now that I’m grown, my mother travels a lot with our family and gets to enjoy a lot of the audiobooks we listen to on the road, which has been a lot of fun to get her perspective on lots of those. For instance, when we were listening to several of the Little House books on our way to visit Laura Ingalls Wilder’s homesteads in Missouri and Kansas and South Dakota, we’d stop the book after ever chapter and quiz mom about her childhood and how much it matched up or deviated from Laura’s.

A love of reading was just one aspect of education my mother kindled in me, though. I’ve talked in earlier episodes about how she would teach me everything she knew about anything I wanted to learn, then would find others who were proficient at crocheting or piano or painting or science or sewing or whatever topic had piqued my interest at the time and have them teach or tutor me.

Another thing my mom did well was discipline. She and Dad both…

5. Established clear boundaries

The rules were well-defined and clearly communicated, and they were consistent about following through with consequences when we crossed them. Mom has always claimed that consistency is the hardest part about being a parent, and I think she’s right.

Sometimes, especially when you’re tired or distracted, it is just so tempting to let your child’s poor behavior or disobedience slide. But that is not best for you or for your child. And it sends mixed signals.

For instance, if your child is picking fights with his little brother, and you crack down on that behavior one day, ignore it the next, laugh it off the next, then get mad at the brother being bullied instead of dealing with the one who’s doing the bullying the next, then your kids will have no idea what the real rule is.

If you promise one consequence but never follow through, you are training your child to distrust or disregard everything you say.  You’re also teaching him that rules don’t mean anything and that he doesn’t have to listen or respect authority. And that, in turn, is setting him up for a lifetime of trouble.

Proverbs 9:18 reads,

“Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives” in the NLT. The NIV translates that verse, “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death.”

But thankfully, inconsistency was not a problem for my parents, and when my mother told me to do one thing or not to do another, I knew she meant business and that I would suffer the consequences if I disobeyed.

And – I’ll just say it – one of those clearly defined consequences was a spanking, although my parents never spanked me for honest mistakes or misunderstandings. Nor did they ever take their frustration out on me or spank me in anger.

But for serious offenses, like lying or defying a direct command or intentionally hurting anyone, like when I pulled a chair out from under my sister just to watch her fall on the ground? You better believe I got a spanking for that.

And I am so grateful I did, because it let me know how very seriously my parents took the things that God takes seriously. God commands us not to lie or steal or kill (which is an extreme form of hurting others), He tells children to obey their parents in the LORD. And so it was fitting that these same commands were upheld in my childhood home. I’m glad my parents loved me enough to instill in me a respect for God and for His commands.

You may have heard the old saying, “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” but that is not what the Bible actually says. Proverbs 3:24 reads,

“He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

Disciplining diligently. Consistently. Lovingly. And never in anger or frustration: That’s another thing my mother got right. But she also…

6. Allowed me lots of freedom

When the boundaries are drawn clearly and in such a way as to make them no more onerous than they have to be, it leaves a whole lot of room to explore and experiment and grow and learn.  I already mentioned my mother’s willingness to let me learn all sorts of artistic skills and handcrafts, but she and Dad also gave me a lot of liberty in my free time.

Ginny Yurich has a book out called Until the Streetlights Come On – and that was definitely the rule for me growing up. I was allowed to spend hours alone at the park down the street, playing on the playground, exploring the creek bed, catching frogs and tadpoles, building forts, climbing trees, and the like.

Of course, that was a different era, and my little corner of the world was much safer then than it is now. You may have to get creative to give your young explorer similar independent and formative experiences to the ones my parents gave me, but it is well worth the effort. And that’s the beauty of raising well-disciplined children who have a clear understanding of right and wrong: They can be trusted to behave properly, even when you aren’t hovering over their shoulder.

And that trust? That’s another thing my Mom got right. (I keep saying Mom, because it’s her birthday and my Dad’s been gone for 18 years now, but he got all these things right, too.)

But when, as a child, you understand your parents are allowing you to do things and go places that maybe none of your peers are getting to do, because they trust you to behave – that’s a confidence you don’t want to break or abuse or take for granted.

As an aside, though, there were some things I didn’t get to do, not because my parents didn’t trust me but because the other people involved had not yet earned their trust. I don’t want to imply that they threw caution to the wind and let me and my sister do whatever we pleased. They didn’t. But they did try to find ways to say “yes” as often as they could or – if what I was asking to do was outside their comfort zone – they’d try to come up with a compromise that accomplished both my goal to do whatever the thing in question was, and their goal to keep me safe in the doing.

7. Took me to church

Again, my dad was there every time the door opened, too, but I appreciate the fact that it was never a question about what our family would be doing on Sunday morning. It didn’t matter how late we stayed up on Saturday night, there was never a week that we slept in on Sunday morning.

Hebrews 10:24-25 commands,

“Let us consider how to encourage one another in love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

My mother has always lived out that verse, too.

As an interesting aside, earlier this month, I attended a reunion in honor of a man named David Drake who served as our church’s youth minister when I was in high school. He and his wife Marilyn were celebrating their 50th anniversary, and they drove back to Dallas to meet with about 15 of us who were in that youth group back in the late 1970s/early 1980s. Like most of those young people, I hadn’t seen this beloved youth pastor in over 40 years, but I’m so grateful for his impact on my life. Back in those formative years, David really drilled home the importance of staying in the book, staying on our knees, and staying after souls – and most of the activities we did as a youth group were aimed at one of those three goals: we had lots of Bible studies and prayer meetings and mission trips.

It is worth noting that my mother modeled those same priorities of Bible study, prayer, and evangelism. She has always been ready and “prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks [her] to give the reason for the hope that [she has]… with gentleness and respect.”

Of course, it’s sometimes good for kids to hear those kinds of messages from somebody else, too. And I’m grateful God put David and Marilyn in my life to reiterate the lessons I was learning at home. But I wouldn’t have been there to hear it at all if my mother hadn’t been so faithful to ensure my regular church attendance.

I could go on and on with this list of things my mother did right, but her birthday’s going to be over if I don’t wrap this episode up and get it posted, so I’ll end with this:

My mom did a great job when she…

8. Empathized with me

She knows how to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn,” as Romans 12:15 tells us to do.

Whenever I was excited about something, my mother’s eyes sparkled too. Whenever I was sad, I could see tears in her eyes, as well.  I remember once in grade school being absolutely distraught over my lack of non-fickle friends. As I dissolved into tears at the kitchen table, I could hear the lump in my mother’s throat as she said resolutely, “Well, we can do something about that.” 

She then took me by the hand and spent the afternoon going from one house in our neighborhood to the next looking for a little girl my age who would play with me. Looking back on this incident now as an adult, I realize she probably didn’t go to every house. More likely than not, she’d seen children playing at the homes we visited and just kept checking that handful until we found somebody at home.

But at the time, I was just so thrilled and impressed that my mom would go to such great lengths to meet a perceived need in my life.

I know going door-to-door in pursuit of a friend may sound a little pathetic to some people, but do you know what? Her doing so led to the discovery of one of the very best and dearest friends I’ve ever had.

I don’t mean the timid little age mate who consented to come outside and skip rope or ride bikes with me that afternoon. I don’t even remember that girl’s name – I’m thinking it was Darla, but can’t say for certain.

No, the friend I’m referring to is the one who was holding my hand during the house-to-house search. I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time, but that woman has my back and has been a true friend to me through thick and thin. She’s constant. She’s loyal. She’s encouraging. She loves Jesus and believes the Bible, reads, memorizes, and applies it to her live. She’s smart and witty and fun to be around. You couldn’t hope for a better example or a wiser counselor. I know she’s listening, so Happy Birthday, Mother. I love you more than words can express!

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The post EP 64: 8 Crucial Things My Mom Got Right appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 63: Say Hello to Stress-Free Holidays

Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. Does getting ready for the holidays feel burdensome or overwhelming to you? In Episode 63 of Loving Life at Home, we’re discussing strategies to steer clear of stress, side-step the hustle-bustle, and enjoy a merry, meaningful, and blissfully peaceful advent season.

Show NotesRELATED VERSES:Philippians 4:6 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”Romans 14:5 – “One person regards one day above another, another regards every day alike. Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind.”Proverbs 6:6-8 – “Walk in the manner of the ant, O slacker; observe its ways and become wise. Without a commander, without an overseer or ruler, it prepares its provisions in summer; it gathers its food at harvest.”LINKS MENTIONED:Episode 2: tips for getting along with difficult or demanding family members 6 Steps to a Stress-Free Holiday Season – source material for this podcastOur Family Christmas Letters – our past updates plus tips for creating your ownOur Christmas Card Assembly Line – one of my families all-time favorite traditionsSimple Bucket List – poll your family on the top few things they don’t want to missFun Christmas Countdowns – includes Christmas books we traditionally read50 Things to Do This Christmas – we just pick and choose from this listRakuten – a FREE cashback program which has saved me a bundle over the yearsInstalling Rakuten Browser Button – automatically alerts when cashback is availableShifting Christmas Focus – my answer to the mom whose kids were driving her crazyLarge Family Gift-Giving – a more detailed answer to one mama’s inquiry on this topicSuper Stocking Stuffers – small gifts we’ve put in our kids’ stockings over the yearsTurning Trash into Treasure – some of the recycled art projects our kids have enjoyedElfster – a free, handy gift exchange appThinking of Others at Christmas – ways to be a blessing to others at ChristmasTaming the Toy Box – my list of most worthwhile toys and how to keep them organizedAge-Appropriate Chore Chart – a good start for incorporating your children’s helpSTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting & homeschool tips, free printables) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement for wives, mothers, believers) Simple Steps to a Stress-Free Christmas

I’ve heard from lots moms over the years with questions about how our family handles different aspects of Christmas – including gift giving, letter writing, meal planning, memory making, Santa explaining, and lots of other things that seem to vie for our attention – and also often add to our stress — during the month of December and even before.

Most recently – just about a week ago, in fact, I received a message from a mom who has a sizable family, just like I do. It reads:

Dear Jennifer,

Christmas has become very stressful for me to the extent that I can’t really enjoy & celebrate the WHY! Do you have any suggestions [that might help]?

Well, I’m happy to tell you about all the things that have helped make the Christmas season less stressful FOR ME. But before I share any of those tips, we need to acknowledge the fact that every one of us is different. The things that tend to stress me out may not bother you at all, and vice versa.

And it’s okay to acknowledge that fact!

So if you really want to make the upcoming holiday season more relaxing – and less stressful – then you’ve got to identify what exactly is causing YOUR stress in the first place.

Usually, holiday stress arises from one or more of the following broad categories:

1 – Time Stressors: Overpacked schedules

Far too often, December flies by like a whirlwind, and we come to the end of it exhausted, over-spent, and feeling like we’ve failed to make meaningful connections with family in friends in our rush to pack as many memories as possible into four short weeks.

Problem is, something that excites and energizes one person may completely overwhelm someone else and make them miserable.

Some folks seem to thrive on all the hustle-bustle of the holidays, while it makes others want to retreat into their shell and hide out until January.  And more often than not, you have both extremes represented in one family – maybe even in one marriage.

So we’ll talk about how to navigate those differences, preserve some white space, save your sanity, and create holiday traditions that serve everyone in the family.

2 – Money Stressors: Limited Finances

Financial strain can make the holidays challenging, but just as necessity is the mother of invention, a tight budget can spawn all sorts of wonderful creativity.

And it’s a good thing that’s true– especially in our present economy, when it’s hard enough keeping food on the table or staying on top of bills. If you attempt to throw a bundle of store bought Christmas gifts for everyone and their brother into the mix, it may really feel like squeezing blood out of a turnip.

So I’ll share some ideas for scaling back, plus some surprising benefits from doing so.

3 – Relationship Stressors: Difficult/Demanding People

I dedicated an entire podcast to tips for getting along with difficult or demanding family members, so I’ll link that episode in the show notes instead of rehashing it here. And the last broad category is

4 – Comparison Stressors: Unrealistic Expectations

This is the stress and anxiety that comes from having unrealistic expectations, and we’ll talk about the source of these expectations and how to bring them back into line for everyone involved.

SO… once you identify the sources of your stress, you can come up with a game plan for defusing the stress and shifting your focus back to the real reason for the season – the blessed Savior whose birth we are supposed to be celebrating.

Six Steps to a Stress-Free HolidayComplete transcript of episode 63

Don’t allow endless “to do” lists to steal your joy this holiday season. Don’t let all the commercialism eclipse the real meaning of Christmas. Even amid all the hustle-bustle and hype, you can find a little peace and tranquillity if you know where to look.

Here are the strategies I use to ward off the holiday rush and maintain my sanity during the weeks leading up to THANKSGIVING AND Christmas:

>>PLAN AHEAD

FIRST, when it comes to dealing with time stressors my best bit of advice is to plan ahead.

I’ve always been bad about procrastinating. I think I’ve shared before that when I was in high school, I’d often wait to start writing my term paper until the night before it was due. Which was really not smart.

I may have also mentioned that I sewed my own wedding dress. But what I neglected to tell you is that it was held together by straight pins in my bridal portraits, and I didn’t finish stitching the largest piece of lace onto the front of my gown until just a few hours before I wore it down the aisle.

And I cannot even begin to count the number of all nighters I’ve pulled over the years on Christmas eve as I’ve stayed awake trying to finish handcrafted gifts or wrap presents or complete last-minute shopping before the family gathered around the tree on Christmas morning.

But all that changed the year my oldest daughter was born. She was due in September, and since I already had one baby, I knew my time would not be my own…

The point is, a little advanced planning can do wonders for your mindset. The more you can accomplish before the holidays hit, the more you can relax and enjoy them once they arrive.

Don’t worry. You don’t have to start stockpiling gifts in January or have a full freezer by fall to benefit from this step. As of today, Christmas is just 10 weeks away. So pull out your calendar and make note of any commitments you have during that time period and make a short list of the tasks you’ll need to complete, then think through what each commitment will require and make additional notes about what will need to be done when for it all to go smoothly.

For instance, we have a lot of family coming to spend Thanksgiving with us this year.  I don’t know if we’ll do it this year, but In years past, we’ve all run a 5K Turkey Trot on Thankgiving morning. Which means I had to have tables set and most of the cooking done in advance if I wanted to run too and still have dinner ready by noon.

Also, several of our kids have requested that we stuff Christmas letters together while they’re home for Thanksgiving. And for that to happen, I’ll have to finish writing the letter by mid-November, make copies, order cards, and buy stamps and envelopes so that we can set up our assembly line on the Friday after Thanksgiving and finish the job before the out-of-towners have to drive back to their respective homes that weekend.

You’ll also want to PLAN AHEAD if you’ve taken on responsibility for holiday events in your community. I have friends who help with a local production of the Nutcracker every December – and they’ve been doing that for YEARS — so the first part of the month is completely taken over by their involvement in that ballet performance. Or maybe you’re hosting a Christmas party for your husband’s coworkers or a moms prayer group or your child’s kindergarten class. Don’t wait for the last minute. Do as much of the prep work as you can well in advance: make the guest list, order the invitations, plan the menu, print out the party games, buy the favors now, and you’ll have that much less to do then when so many other things are vying for your attention.

>> PRESERVE MARGIN

In addition to planning ahead, I recommend you take whatever steps are necessary to preserve margin throughout the holidays.

I’ve had to accept the fact that I can’t do everything. I’ll run myself ragged (and, even more importantly, I’ll my family ragged) if I try. So instead of attempting to squeeze some sort of holiday activity into every waking moment, I eliminate stress by intentionally leaving a little white space on our calendar. I really do this all year long, but I’ve found it’s especially important to preserve some margin during the holiday season.

Those empty squares on my calendar represent the quiet evenings we’ll spend at home reading in front of a crackling fire or working a puzzle around the kitchen table or listening to Christmas music while we decorate the tree or watching It’s a Wonderful Life or some other of our favorite holiday video for the umpteenth time.

>> PICK AND CHOOSE

Another good way to deal with those time stressors is to pick and choose.

Note that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If you’re the person who wants to print a bucket list of Christmas activities as long as your arm and tick one or two things off every day all season long, have at it. But if you’re married to a homebody, you’d better makes sure a lot of those activities can be enjoyed within the walls of your own house. Lots of our favorite traditions fall into the category of things we can do without leaving home: decorating the Christmas tree, making hot cocoa, listening to Christmas carols, watching Christmas movies, making Christmas candy, handcrafting ornaments.

Some of these things may sound fun to you too and some may not. That’s okay. You don’t have to enjoy all the same things my family enjoys.

The important thing is that you spend the holidays doing the things that are most meaningful to you and your family. Don’t feel pressured to do anything just because somebody else – or even everybody else — is doing it.

If having a bucket list stresses you out, then skip it. Or gather your kids together and take a poll to find out which traditions, old or new, they’d like to observe and which they’re willing to let go.

We did this several years ago and generated a master list, which we print it off every year and check off various activities as time allows. We don’t try to do them all, just the ones that sound good to us at the time and fit our schedules. There is a printable version of our list (which I’ll link in the show notes if you want to take a peek at it), but I’d encourage you to make your own. Some of the things we do will not appeal to you, and vice versa.

In fact, some of the things our family has traditionally done that were both time consuming and expensive – like going to Holiday in the Park at Six Flags – ranked rather low on most of our children’s lists. And many of the traditions that don’t cost a cent – like rewatching favorite holiday movies together as a family or re-reading all our old Christmas letters  or driving around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights– topped the charts for nearly everyone.

That doesn’t mean we never go to Six Flags. Fiesta Texas runs a great special through Groupon or the Book of Free where I can buy tickets in batches of six to eight for well under $100, and so we’ve taken advantage of that offer several times in the past 6-7 years. But if I miss the promotion or we can’t fit it into the schedule, I don’t worry about it too much, as doing so is not essential to having a wonderful Christmas in any of our minds.

>> BUY LESS

As for dealing with tight finances, one solution is to buy less.

If you’ve ever read Laura Ingall’s Wilder’s accounts of Christmas in the Big Woods or on the prairie, or of the Christmases of her husband’s childhood, you know kids don’t need all the latest and greatest popular plastic toys or electronic gadgets to be happy and content. Laura and Almanzo were thrilled with finding an orange and a peppermint stick – or maybe a pocket knife — in their stocking on Christmas morning.  

People assume Christmas must be crazy at our house with so many children, because they take whatever they’re doing with one or two kids and multiply it by a factor of 6-12. But that really isn’t the case.

It’s amazing how little pressure you feel to overspend when you aren’t exposed to all the malls and television commercials. I avoid getting out on Black Friday like the plague, preferring instead to shop online in the privacy of my own home. And by using Rakuten, I earn cash back on every purchase, plus it’s all delivered straight to my door.

As a result, our family really celebrates a pretty low-key Christmas when it comes to gifts. That was a necessity in the beginning, because my husband was still in school and we were living on such a shoestring budget. But my kids are used to getting just a stocking plus one gift, and I don’t think I’d change that custom even if we had all the money in the world.

The financial strain of overspending at Christmas time is only part of the problem. There’s also the stress of figuring out where to put all those gifts for all those people once they’ve been received.

Which is why I really favor consumable gifts – like edible treats or art supplies — or experiences – like special trips or museum memberships.

I’ve gotten lots of letters over the years asking for specifics on how we handle gift giving with so many children. One mom wrote:

Dear Jennifer:

My kids are driving me crazy with their endless lists of stuff they want for Christmas. I love the holidays, but I hate the commercialism with its selfish focus on me, me, me. And with the economy like it is, I really can’t afford to indulge them this year, anyway. Help!

I’ll link my full reply in the show notes, but the gist of what I said was this: When our kids were little, I gave each of them a stocking filled with small gifts chosen especially for that child, then I bought one family gift for everybody to share (maybe a new game to play together or a book to read aloud. One year, I bought a slackline, strung it between two trees and promised $10 to the first child who learned to walk across the entire thing without falling).

I’ll admit, that single family gift looked a little lonesome under the tree by itself, so I began wrapping the Christmas picture books we already owned to put under the tree as well, then we’d open one book each day and read it together as a family.

WHY THIS WORKS FOR US:

Several things about our family allow these practices to work well (and make them somewhat necessary):

1 – We don’t see many commercials.

We haven’t had television reception for over twenty years, which means our kids haven’t been constantly bombarded with ads trying to convince them they need the latest and greatest offerings on the toy aisle of the nearest Target or Walmart. That fact alone does wonders for a child’s contentment. We also toss most of the catalogs and circulars that come in the mail before the kids ever see them. The older ones will sometimes spot something they’d like online now, but they also have ways of earning money and usually just save up to buy it themselves.

That’s why, when one of our kids was only five or six, his “special request” for Christmas time was “a paper airplane with a picture of a dog drawn on it.” I thought that was so sweet, I’m pretty sure I constructed one for him then and there instead of making him wait for Christmas for it.

2 – We replace things as needed.

Part of the reason there were so many gifts around my tree as a child is that my mom was a very savvy shopper and would squirrel things away for Christmas all year long. As Christmas drew near, she’d also take note of any items that my sister and I had worn out or outgrown — socks, underwear, hairbrushes, blue jeans — and wrap up the replacements for us to open Christmas morning, as well.

I loved that and fully intended to do the same thing with my children, only my husband would beat me to the punch every time. When Christmas rolls around, there is seldom anything that needs replacing or updating, because that gets done just as soon as he notices the need.

Same goes for sporting goods and technology and bicycles. Doug is an early adopter, and every day with him is like a holiday. There’s no outdoing that fact at Christmas, so I’ve given up even trying.

3 – Our kids are really creative.

Do you know what happens when kids don’t have a lot of toys and stuff crowding for their attention? They learn to make their own fun.

Most of our children are masters at this, and the fun they find usually doesn’t cost a cent: they’ll rake the leaves into intricate designs then play tag through the maze; they’ll hike through the woods and bring home long poles of of freshly cut bamboo which they’ll use to build a teepee to sleep in; they’ll make amazing works of art out of toilet paper rolls, tin cans, or egg cartons that they rescue from the trash (then enter their creations in the fair and win cash premiums for them)! And they’re still doing that. I’ve had a stash of trash – empty plastic bottles and cardboard – on my back porch for weeks right now that my 21-year old Chemical engineering student has been turning into bottle rockets for a class project he was working on. He had me proofread his final presentation last night, so I hope that means the mess is about to be cleared away.

I know a single gift and a stocking may seem like a scant Christmas celebration to a lot of folks, but it works well for our family. It helps keep our focus OFF what we we’re going to get, and places it more ON what we can do. Not just on Christmas morning, but all month long through service projects, letter writing, bell ringing, carol singing, and all sorts of other memory making.

Once  our kids started getting older and wanted to participate in the gift giving, we began drawing names for a “Secret Santa” gift exchange – at their request, because purchasing gifts for so many was a bit overwhelming for them, too, so now, each person gets one gift from a sibling. They’ve even included Mom & Dad in the exchange, and using the free Elfster app makes things super easy for all of us.

But we also started to brainstorm ways our family could be a blessing to others during the Christmas season. You can do the same by making a list of service projects or acts of random kindness and refer to it year after year. You may not always get to every item on the list, but the process of trying will help change your family’s focus from the gifts under the tree to the people around it.

If limited finances are contributing to the holiday stress you feel, Communicate with your family in well in advance that you’ll need to scale back this year, whatever scaling back looks like for you. If you normally buy 10 gifts for each child, cut that number in half. Or do as some of my friends do and give four gifts: Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. That times 12 would still make my head spin, so I’m going to stick to my single gift and a stocking — but I know that poem works well for lots of families.

Maybe money isn’t an issue for you at all, but space is. Does trying to find a home for new gifts stress anybody else out? Or is that just me? Maybe it’s more manageable for a family with fewer children, but with 12 kids, it can be overwhelming. If you are already busting at the seams, you may want to scale back for that reason.

Especially considering the fact that all the best toys don’t wear out: Lincoln logs, building blocks, Duplo, wooden train sets. As I’ve mentioned before, the same tubs of these classic toys that entertained by first few kids served all their siblings just as well and are now delighting my grandchildren. Once you’re stocked up, you’re set, and there isn’t a real need to buy more every year for three decades of child rearing.

>> ENLIST HELP

If all the kids are still at home, assign chores for cleaning or decorating the house and preparing meals or getting ready for company. I have a free printable Age-Appropriate Chore Chart I’ll link in today’s show notes.

If your kids are grown and gone and just coming to visit over the holidays, let them know what you’ll be serving and them to bring sides, salads or desserts to accompany the meal.

Everybody contributes. Everybody eats. Everybody cleans up, like the little red hen. Mom shouldn’t slave away in the kitchen all day while the rest of the family relaxes in the living room. Don’t stand at the kitchen and stew over the status quo. If nobody volunteers to help, Ask for it. And if they do volunteer, don’t shoo them away, but accept that kind gesture and give them a job to do.

And that brings us to that last stressor, which is caused by unrealistic expectations. Sometimes these come from without: Extended family that expects you to spend every holiday with them, and so Thanksgiving or Christmas becomes a huge chore of rushing from house to house to house trying to keep everyone happy.

Sometimes, the pressure comes from within: You’ve envisioned the perfect magical Christmas, fueled by all the lovely images you’ve seen on Pinterest or Instagram, and you feel like a failure when your own family’s Christmas doesn’t measure up.

In both these cases, don’t be afraid to reject the Christmas traditions that you find burdensome and adopt some that help you focus on the real reason for the season.

If you don’t like turkey or have never learned to cook it properly, you don’t have to serve it for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I’ve been known to serve lasagna or fajitas with all the trimmings for Thanksgiving instead.  Even if you do decide to serve the traditional meal, think through your sides. If nobody in your family likes sweet potatoes or green bean casserole, then don’t bother. Or assign those dishes to somebody who cares. I’ve never been a huge fan of cranberry sauce (at least not the canned jelly stuff that was always part of the feast we had at my grandma’s house, but one of my daughters loves cranberries and makes an absolutely delicious sauce from scratch every year.

Same goes for making the rounds during the holidays. If you dream of being able to enjoy a leisurely Christmas at home and avoid holiday traffic, then make arrangements to see family members a few weeks before Christmas, or alternate between families: Spend Thanksgiving with one side of the family and Christmas with the other one year, then flip it the next.

When I was growing up, we celebrated Christmas at home on Christmas Eve morning, then would drive to Oklahoma that afternoon and celebrate Christmas again with my dad’s family the very next day. For years, I never knew the difference.

Now that several of my children are grown and married, we are trying to navigate holidays with them. And I’m trying to keep my expectations low. If the kids want to spend Christmas at our house, I’m obviously thrilled. But I also know my daughters-in-law come from smaller families where their absence would doubtlessly leave a more noticeable hole. So we’ve tried to be very accommodating and not get hurt feelings, even if they choose to spend every Christmas at the in-law’s house. I wouldn’t want them to knock themselves out trying to drive back and forth on the 25th.  Maybe because I grew up having a wonderful celebration with my family the day before Christmas, or because I married a physician that sometimes has to take call on December 25th, but celebrating on the exact day is not really that important to me to make a stink if it doesn’t happen. We do our best to see all our children in the weeks leading up to Christmas and to celebrate early with the ones who won’t be able to make it home for the holidays, and that’s worked well for us.

As for internal pressures and high expectations of how Christmas should go, I’d urge you to leave off comparing your situation to anybody else’s. Don’t feel like you have to jump on the bandwagon of every trend you spot on social media.

I love seeing photos of families in matching Christmas pajamas. I think those are adorable. But that wasn’t a trend, and we probably couldn’t have afforded it anyway, back when my kids were all little and still wore pajamas. And now, most of my guys don’t sleep in pjs anyway – I know for sure my husband wouldn’t wear them in a million years – so I probably missed the opportunity to ever have such a photo. But that’s okay.  Maybe this year, I’ll just get matching flannels for me and my youngest daughter. She’d probably like that.

My point is, if it causes you to stumble into grief or envy or worry that you somehow don’t measure up to look at photos of other people wearing matching pajamas when you, for whatever reason, can’t – then stay off Pinterest and Instagram.

If seeing their beautifully decorated homes or watching the handcrafted ornament tutorials inspires you, great. Watch in moderation and use that inspiration as a jumping off place to be more creative in your own home. But if seeing those photos and reels makes you feel resentful or inadequate, then delete that app from your phone and spare yourself the grief.

Again, we are all different. I love to decorate the house for Christmas. In fact, I left one tree up in my bedroom all year long and just switched out ornaments for every new season –ornaments my youngest daughter and I worked on handcrafting together all year long. It was a fun and creative outlet.

But one of my daughters in law confessed to me a couple of weeks ago that it totally stresses her out to even thing about decorating the house for Christmas. And I can understand why. She has four little children. When I had four little children, my Christmas décor was minimal, as well. We had only one Christmas tree and had  to be careful to put only non-breakable decorations on the lower half of that to make sure the babies didn’t destroy any heirloom ornaments.

It wasn’t worth the hassle to do much more than that. There is a season for everything under heaven, and the season of small children and the season of elaborate Christmas décor are rarely one in the same.

Which brings me to my last tip:

>> BE FLEXIBLE

Even when you scale back and plan ahead and preserve margin and invest only in those holiday activities that are most meaningful to your family, life will sometimes throw you a curve. Like the year we got chicken pox at Thanksgiving and had to be quarantined until New Year’s. Another Christmas, it was a stomach virus that took us out of commission. And one winter an ice storm knocked out our electricity for three days.

You can’t let stuff like that derail you or dampen your joy. None of those things were much fun at the time, but they were certainly memorable. We made adjustments and still had wonderful, Christ-focused celebrations. Though we had to miss many of our traditional activities those years, we just appreciated them all the more the next Christmas when things were a little more “normal.” Attitude makes all the difference. Here’s hoping and praying these tips will help keep your attitude well-adjusted and any anxiety at bay during the upcoming holiday season. Do what you can NOW to take more off your plate THEN.

The post EP 63: Say Hello to Stress-Free Holidays appeared first on Loving Life at Home.