Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 7

A Prayer for Bible Readers

Readers who’ve followed me for any length of time know I’m a firm believer in the power of prayer. I love to pray specifically, and I love to to pray the scriptures, as doing so is an easy way to know I am praying in accordance to the perfect will of God.

Sometimes I get requests for particular topics for my prayer guides, and I honor those requests whenever I can. The suggestion for today’s prayer guide came from a reader named Annie who asked me to create a prayer to use when studying the Bible.

I was happy to comply, as I think we are much more prone to get what we need out of Bible reading when we approach it with a teachable spirit and with a mindset of prayerful humility. So here’s the prayer I came up with:

A Prayer for Bible Readers

LORD, as I prayerfully open Your inspired, inerrant, infallible Word, I humbly ask that You would graciously grant me a…

Burning desire to read it consistently

Jesus, You said man should not live by bread alone, but by every Word that comes from the mouth of God. I ask You to instill in me a love for that Word. Help me to read it, memorize it, and meditate upon it day and night. (Matthew 4:4; Psalm 119:11, 97; Psalm 1:2)

Insight to understand what it means

LORD, I pray for wisdom, which You’ve promised to give generously to all who ask for it. “Open my eyes, that I may see wonderful things from Thy law.” Grant me more insight than all my teachers as I dwell on Your testimonies. (James 1:5; Proverbs 2:6; Psalm 119:18, 99)

Belief that it is absolutely true

God, help me to hold fast to the confession of my hope without wavering, for You are trust- worthy and faithful. May I proclaim with conviction, “The entirety of Your word is truth, and all Your righteous judgments endure forever.” (Hebrews 10:23; Psalm 119:7-8, 160)

Lasting commitment to live by it

LORD, let me be like the wise man who hears Your Word and obeys it. May the foundation of my life be the solid Rock, not shifting sand. Make me a faithful doer of Your Word, not a deluded hearer who fails to put into practice all I learn. (Matthew 7:24-27; James 1:22)

Enthusiasm for sharing it with others

God, help me be ever ready to give a reason for the hope that lies within me. May I shine as a light in the darkness, boldly proclaiming the gospel to the lost and offering words of encouragement to fellow believers. (1 Peter 3:15; Matthew 5:14; 2 Timothy 1:7-8; Hebrews 10:25)

click to print this prayer for Bible readersMore Printable Prayer Guides

You will find many more prayer guides you can download individually for free by following this link: Free Printable Prayer Guides.

Or you can save time by investing in a copy of my Pretty Prayer Print Pack and then download a whole bundle of resources in a single click, including all our most popular prayer guides plus prayer lists and diaries, prayer-themed coloring pages, prayer cards, and beautiful printable artwork suitable for framing. Several of the resources in this collection are not available anywhere else.

The post A Prayer for Bible Readers appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 62: I Am NOT Enough (and Neither Are You)

Despite the fact the world proclaims with one loud voice, “You are enough!” that has never been the way it has played out in my life. And do you know what? It’s liberating to admit that fact.

I want to refute that all-too-popular idea on today’s podcast – the idea that we are enough in and of ourselves, or that everything we need can be found by searching within our own heart and mind, or that we are somehow perfect just the way we are.

This affirmation has been making the rounds for some time now. I published a blog post on the topic way back in February of 2017. You can read that original post in it’s entirety below today’s show notes if you’re interested; most of my comments in this podcast episode will be taken straight from what I wrote in that article nearly eight years ago.

I was reminded of my post over the weekend while attending Allie Beth Stuckey’s Share the Arrows Event in Plano. It was awesome! If you happened to see my stories on Instagram, you already know there were 4000 women in attendance. And we heard a great lineup of speakers, including Rosaria Butterfield, Alisa Childers, and my dear friend Abbie Halberstadt, most of whom talked about things they’ve written about extensively. I’ll link their books in today’s show notes. I enjoyed them all and highly recommend you read them, too.

Allie Beth published a book in 2020 dealing with this same lie called You’re Not Enough (and That’s Okay): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love. I noticed this morning that Amazon has it on sale for 48% off right now—that may be an even better price than was available at the conference – so click through and snag a copy if you’re interested in delving deeper. It’s a great read and very timely for the culture we live in.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:John 10:10 – “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that….”Romans 3:23 – “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”2 Cor. 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”1 Corinthians 1:25 – “For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom….”James 1:5 – “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives to all….”2 Corinthians 5:21 – “God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him….”Ephesians 1:7-8 – “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness….”Romans 8:29 – “For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be….”James 1:4 – “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and….”Revelation 5:12 – “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive… glory & praise!”Ephesians 2:4-5 – “We were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of His …”2 Corinthians 3:5 – “Not that we are adequate in ourselves so as to consider….”Ephesians 2:8-9 – “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not….”Romans 9:16 – “So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who….”Philippians 2:13 – “… it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His….”Philippians 1:6 – “…he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it….”Romans 6:13 – “…offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from….”1 John 1 8-9 – “…If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us ….”RELATED LINKS:I Am Not Enough (& Why It’s Liberating to Admit It) – blog post I wrote in 2017Confession of an Unlikely Convert – Rosaria Butterfield’s personal testimony (2014)The Gospel Comes with a House Key – another great book by Rosaria Butterfield (2018)Another Gospel? – must-read book by Alisa Childers (2020)Live Your Truth – another wonderful book by Alisa Childers (2022)M is for Mama – such an encouraging read from my friend Abbie Halberstadt (2022)Hard is Not the Same Thing as Bad – an even better book by Abbie (2023)You Are Not Enough (& That’s Okay) – a very timely book by Allie Beth Stuckey (2020)I am NOT enough — and why it’s liberating to admit it

Do you know that feeling you get when you hear fingernails grating on a chalkboard? I guess most modern classrooms have switched to dry erase boards, so maybe you’ve missed it. It’s sort of a squeaky, screechy, scraping sound that really sets your nerves on edge. Back when I was in school, there was always one little boy in my homeroom who would routinely claw the board just to see his classmates wince.

Anyway, I’ve been getting that same feeling a lot lately, but not from blackboards. The thing that’s making me cringe these days is a catchphrase gaining traction in Christian and secular circles alike. It’s touted at women’s conferences. It’s promoted on blog posts. It’s plastered on car bumpers. It’s chanted during religious rituals. It’s engraved on stone pendants, silver charms, and golden rings. It’s tattooed across countless shoulders, arms, wrists, and ankles. And the trend shows no signs of letting up.

I’m referring, of course, to the affirmation, “I AM ENOUGH.”

Granted, the purveyors of this mantra are often well-intentioned. Perhaps they’re using “I am enough” as a reminder that we shouldn’t be constantly comparing ourselves to others or coveting things we don’t have or trying to keep up with the Joneses. And those are valid and important messages.

But the words we use to convey such messages are also important, and “I am enough” leaves way too much room for misunderstanding. It neither resonates with reality nor lines up with Biblical truth. That’s why so many groups have been able to appropriate the slogan and use it to support widely disparate worldviews:

Atheists argue: “I am enough. I don’t need God.”Relativists reason: “I am enough. I don’t need rules.”Feminists fume: “I am enough. I don’t need men.”Loners lament: “I am enough. I don’t need friends.”

And folks who’ve grown complacent and lazy about life contend: “I am enough. I don’t need to work toward bettering myself in any way. This is who I am. Take it or leave it.”

As I mentioned before, the problem is that all these assertions are not only unbiblical, but they’re completely out of touch with reality. That’s why it’s so liberating to confess, “I’m NOT enough. I’m not even close.”

Jesus came that we might “have life, and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10), but we will completely miss out on the bountiful life He offers if we never look beyond our own thoughts, feelings, and extremely limited resources. The first step to overcoming any problem is to admit you have one, and the first step to living a full, satisfying, deeply meaningful life is to reject the notion that you can do it completely on your own.

In reality, we are all born with something missing. And trying to fill the void with positive affirmations doesn’t really work. No matter how often I tell myself, “I am enough,” in my heart of hearts, I know it’s a lie. The simple truth is, I’m NOT enough. I fall far short of the mark, and I freely admit it. (Romans 3:23) I’m not strong enough or smart enough or pure enough or mature enough or anything enough to make it through life without a lot of help.

I’m not enough — but, praise God, I don’t have to be.
I’m not strong enough… but God is, and He has promised to give me strength.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

I’m not smart enough… but God is, and He has promised to give me wisdom.

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” – 1 Corinthians 1:25

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” – James 1:5

I’m not pure enough… but Christ is, and He has paid the price for my sin.

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” – 2 Corinthians 5:21

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished upon us.” – Ephesians 1:7-8

I’m not mature enough… but God is conforming me to the image of Christ.

“For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.” – Romans 8:29

“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” – James 1:4

I’m not worthy enough… but God is, and He loves me despite my unworthiness.

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!” – Revelation 5:12

“We were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions — it is by grace you have been saved.” – Ephesians 2:4-5

Did you catch that last phrase? “It is by grace you have been saved.” It is not because of something we are — we could never BE enough. (2 Corinthians 3:5) It is not because of something we’ve done — we could never DO enough. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Human will and desire and effort and exertion are not enough (Romans 9:16) — salvation and the abundant life that accompanies it are the work of God, from start to finish. (Philippians 2:13) And He can be trusted to see that work through to the end. (Philippians 1:6) I can cooperate with Him in that work, but I can’t do it on my own — any more than a dead man can bring himself back to life. (Romans 6:13)

So if you’ve been telling yourself, “I am enough” but not feeling it, you can leave off pretending right now. Break out of the prison of supposed self-sufficiency and turn your life over to Christ.

You are NOT enough, but God never expected you to be. He stands ready and willing to give you the significant, soul-satisfying life you crave, if only you will recognize your need and ask Him for it. (1 John 1:8-9)

The post EP 62: I Am NOT Enough (and Neither Are You) appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

I Am NOT Enough (and Neither Are You)

Despite the fact the world proclaims with one loud voice, “You are enough!” that has never been the way it has played out in my life. And do you know what? It’s liberating to admit that fact.

I want to refute that all-too-popular idea on today’s podcast – the idea that we are enough in and of ourselves, or that everything we need can be found by searching within our own heart and mind, or that we are somehow perfect just the way we are.

This affirmation has been making the rounds for some time now. I published a blog post on the topic way back in February of 2017. You can read that original post in it’s entirety below today’s show notes if you’re interested; most of my comments in this podcast episode will be taken straight from what I wrote in that article nearly eight years ago.

I was reminded of my post over the weekend while attending Allie Beth Stuckey’s Share the Arrows Event in Plano. It was awesome! If you happened to see my stories on Instagram, you already know there were 4000 women in attendance. And we heard a great lineup of speakers, including Rosaria Butterfield, Alisa Childers, and my dear friend Abbie Halberstadt, most of whom talked about things they’ve written about extensively. I’ll link their books in today’s show notes. I enjoyed them all and highly recommend you read them, too.

Allie Beth published a book in 2020 dealing with this same lie called You’re Not Enough (and That’s Okay): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love. I noticed this morning that Amazon has it on sale for 48% off right now—that may be an even better price than was available at the conference – so click through and snag a copy if you’re interested in delving deeper. It’s a great read and very timely for the culture we live in.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:John 10:10 – “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that….”Romans 3:23 – “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”2 Cor. 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”1 Corinthians 1:25 – “For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom….”James 1:5 – “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives to all….”2 Corinthians 5:21 – “God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him….”Ephesians 1:7-8 – “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness….”Romans 8:29 – “For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be….”James 1:4 – “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and….”Revelation 5:12 – “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive… glory & praise!”Ephesians 2:4-5 – “We were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of His …”2 Corinthians 3:5 – “Not that we are adequate in ourselves so as to consider….”Ephesians 2:8-9 – “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not….”Romans 9:16 – “So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who….”Philippians 2:13 – “… it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His….”Philippians 1:6 – “…he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it….”Romans 6:13 – “…offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from….”1 John 1 8-9 – “…If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us ….”RELATED LINKS:I Am Not Enough (& Why It’s Liberating to Admit It) – blog post I wrote in 2017Confession of an Unlikely Convert – Rosaria Butterfield’s personal testimony (2014)The Gospel Comes with a House Key – another great book by Rosaria Butterfield (2018)Another Gospel? – must-read book by Alisa Childers (2020)Live Your Truth – another wonderful book by Alisa Childers (2022)M is for Mama – such an encouraging read from my friend Abbie Halberstadt (2022)Hard is Not the Same Thing as Bad – an even better book by Abbie (2023)You Are Not Enough (& That’s Okay) – a very timely book by Allie Beth Stuckey (2020)I am NOT enough — and why it’s liberating to admit it

Do you know that feeling you get when you hear fingernails grating on a chalkboard? I guess most modern classrooms have switched to dry erase boards, so maybe you’ve missed it. It’s sort of a squeaky, screechy, scraping sound that really sets your nerves on edge. Back when I was in school, there was always one little boy in my homeroom who would routinely claw the board just to see his classmates wince.

Anyway, I’ve been getting that same feeling a lot lately, but not from blackboards. The thing that’s making me cringe these days is a catchphrase gaining traction in Christian and secular circles alike. It’s touted at women’s conferences. It’s promoted on blog posts. It’s plastered on car bumpers. It’s chanted during religious rituals. It’s engraved on stone pendants, silver charms, and golden rings. It’s tattooed across countless shoulders, arms, wrists, and ankles. And the trend shows no signs of letting up.

I’m referring, of course, to the affirmation, “I AM ENOUGH.”

Granted, the purveyors of this mantra are often well-intentioned. Perhaps they’re using “I am enough” as a reminder that we shouldn’t be constantly comparing ourselves to others or coveting things we don’t have or trying to keep up with the Joneses. And those are valid and important messages.

But the words we use to convey such messages are also important, and “I am enough” leaves way too much room for misunderstanding. It neither resonates with reality nor lines up with Biblical truth. That’s why so many groups have been able to appropriate the slogan and use it to support widely disparate worldviews:

Atheists argue: “I am enough. I don’t need God.”Relativists reason: “I am enough. I don’t need rules.”Feminists fume: “I am enough. I don’t need men.”Loners lament: “I am enough. I don’t need friends.”

And folks who’ve grown complacent and lazy about life contend: “I am enough. I don’t need to work toward bettering myself in any way. This is who I am. Take it or leave it.”

As I mentioned before, the problem is that all these assertions are not only unbiblical, but they’re completely out of touch with reality. That’s why it’s so liberating to confess, “I’m NOT enough. I’m not even close.”

Jesus came that we might “have life, and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10), but we will completely miss out on the bountiful life He offers if we never look beyond our own thoughts, feelings, and extremely limited resources. The first step to overcoming any problem is to admit you have one, and the first step to living a full, satisfying, deeply meaningful life is to reject the notion that you can do it completely on your own.

In reality, we are all born with something missing. And trying to fill the void with positive affirmations doesn’t really work. No matter how often I tell myself, “I am enough,” in my heart of hearts, I know it’s a lie. The simple truth is, I’m NOT enough. I fall far short of the mark, and I freely admit it. (Romans 3:23) I’m not strong enough or smart enough or pure enough or mature enough or anything enough to make it through life without a lot of help.

I’m not enough — but, praise God, I don’t have to be.
I’m not strong enough… but God is, and He has promised to give me strength.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

I’m not smart enough… but God is, and He has promised to give me wisdom.

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” – 1 Corinthians 1:25

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” – James 1:5

I’m not pure enough… but Christ is, and He has paid the price for my sin.

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” – 2 Corinthians 5:21

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished upon us.” – Ephesians 1:7-8

I’m not mature enough… but God is conforming me to the image of Christ.

“For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.” – Romans 8:29

“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” – James 1:4

I’m not worthy enough… but God is, and He loves me despite my unworthiness.

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!” – Revelation 5:12

“We were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions — it is by grace you have been saved.” – Ephesians 2:4-5

Did you catch that last phrase? “It is by grace you have been saved.” It is not because of something we are — we could never BE enough. (2 Corinthians 3:5) It is not because of something we’ve done — we could never DO enough. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Human will and desire and effort and exertion are not enough (Romans 9:16) — salvation and the abundant life that accompanies it are the work of God, from start to finish. (Philippians 2:13) And He can be trusted to see that work through to the end. (Philippians 1:6) I can cooperate with Him in that work, but I can’t do it on my own — any more than a dead man can bring himself back to life. (Romans 6:13)

So if you’ve been telling yourself, “I am enough” but not feeling it, you can leave off pretending right now. Break out of the prison of supposed self-sufficiency and turn your life over to Christ.

You are NOT enough, but God never expected you to be. He stands ready and willing to give you the significant, soul-satisfying life you crave, if only you will recognize your need and ask Him for it. (1 John 1:8-9)

The post I Am NOT Enough (and Neither Are You) appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 61: How to Handle Deep Regrets in Parenting & Life

We’ve all said or done things that we later regret, sometimes profoundly so. But where does regret come from, and how are we supposed to handle this tangle of negative emotions that wants to seize control of our thoughts and side-track our focus on more important matters? That’s our topic for this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home. I hope you’ll listen in!

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Romans 8:28 – “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love….”Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will….”Proverbs 31:10-31 – “…She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it….”Proverbs 13:12 – “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is….”Hebrews 12:1-2 – “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us….”1 Corinthians 7:17 – “…each person should live as a believer in whatever situation….”Philippians 4:11-13 – “…I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am….” Romans 10:9 – “If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe….”Matthew 11:28 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give….”James 1:2-3 – “My bretheren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials….”Job 1:21 – “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name….”Job 2:10 – “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and not accept adversity?” Ephesians 4:31-32 – “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger… be put away….”Mark 4:19 – “but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires….”Ephesians 4:30 – “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom….” 1 Thessalonians 5:19 – “Do not quench the Spirit.”1 Peter 2:1 – “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy….”Romans 6:12-13 – “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should….”Philippians 4:6 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer….”1 Peter 5:7 – “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”Isaiah 29:16 – “…Can the pot say to the potter, ‘You know nothing’?”Galatians 5:13 – “But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh….”Philippians 2:3-4 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit….”Proverbs 14:12 – “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way….”1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins….”Psalms 103:12  – “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed….”Romans 8:1  – “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in….”Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden….”Proverbs 14:12 – “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way….” 1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and….”Psalms 103:12 – “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.”Philippians 3:9– “…not having my own righteousness from the law….”Romans 8:1 – “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ….”Luke 12:26 – “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? So, if you….”Matthew 6:25-30 – “Do notworry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or….”Joel 2:25 – “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten….”Genesis 50:20 – “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good….”RELATED LINKS:Forgiving Others Fully and Freely – Podcast Episode 11On Miscarriage — Help for Hurting Hearts – Podcast Episode 49What Men Intend for Evil – a poem I wrote during a difficult seasonMy Books – you can find most of the books my husband and I have written here or hereFamily Matters – archives of the newspaper column I wrote for several yearsPraying for Your Husband from Head to Toe – a free printable prayer guidePraying for Your Wife from Head to Toe – another free printable prayer guide31 Scriptures to Pray over Your Husband – yet another free printable prayer guide30-Day Respect Challenge – my free, month-long email series for married women30-Day Love Challenge – my husband’s free, month-long email series for married menHow to Handle Profound RegretEpisode 61 – Full transcript

Hello, friend.

Thanks so much for joining me again on Loving Life at Home. This week’s episode is all about regret. I meant to publish it last week, but regret to say I didn’t get it ready on time! And I’m posting it even later than I intended this week. But I’ve had a lot of other responsibilities demanding my attention, so the podcast had to be put on the back burner.

One of the things that piled up in the meantime, though, was the messages in my inbox, many of them asking for a biblical perspective on dealing with regrets—which is why that’s our topic for this week.

The first letter I’d like to respond to is from a listener who writes:

Dear Jennifer. I wonder if you’ll even get this [message]…

I found your podcast not long ago and listen whenever I find time. I started from the beginning and am working forward slowly, so please forgive me if you already have an episode close to what I suggest here, but I’m hoping you’ll address the issues of regret, particularly in parenting.

The writer goes on to explain that she and her husband have a lot of children, whom they’ve homeschooled from the beginning. And while she feels good about those decisions, she admits that, over time, she lost her focus on those primary callings of marriage and motherhood and instead became involved in a business opportunity that initially sounded like a good idea but that she now views as a huge mistake.

It promised to provide more family time together, if only she would give it her full focus for just a few years. Unfortunately, that promise never panned out. The business ended up stealing her time, energy, and passion for far too long, and now she’s sad she ever let such a venture deceive and derail her in the first place, especially when she sees the ill effects it had on her kids and family relationships. She continues:

I have sought God’s forgiveness and that of my family, and I’ve repeatedly asked Him to show me the way back, but it’s so easy to just get overwhelmed and discouraged and get off track again….  I REALLY need prayer & encouragement at times just to keep looking forward in life. 

I would so appreciate what you would have to say. I have gleaned so much already from all I’ve heard, and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your ministry! You are a blessing.

Well I sent this sweet, side-tracked mama a brief response just as soon as I read her letter, to let her know that, yes, I did receive her message and that, no, I hadn’t addressed the topic on any of my prior episodes but would do so as soon as I could – which turned out to be today!

I think her question is a good one and will likely resonate with a lot of listeners. In fact, I know it will, because within days of that first message landing in my inbox, I received several messages from other listeners and subscribers on topics that are closely related.

One listener wrote in response to my episode on forgiveness (which I’ll link in the show notes) that she’s realized she not only struggles to forgive others, but also to forgive herself, and wondered if I could share some prayers or verses or other tips that might help her stop beating herself up over past mistakes. She writes:

“I’ve lived this way for decades and it’s not the path I want to continue.”

Another listener wrote to ask if I’d make a prayer guide for dealing with grief, which I’m working on right now. While I realize grief and regret aren’t exactly the same thing, they often do go hand-in-hand.

Still another reader wrote to me about a difficult situation with her husband’s parents. An accident many years ago left her father-in-law in need of daily care, which fell largely to her husband to provide. But it meant that for most of their marriage – even as they were trying to establish their own family and raise their own children — their lives revolved around caring for demanding and sometimes domineering parents. And now she’s wondering, did they make the right call? She’s suffering from yet another kind of regret—the kind that comes when your life doesn’t play out as you’d envisioned.

Well, all these messages and letters serve as a good reminder to mothers everywhere of our desperate and overwhelming need for an outpouring of God’s grace and wisdom. Because no matter how many children you have, or how you choose to educate them, or whether you work inside or outside the home, or whether your life goes according to plan or throws you repeated curve balls, the truth is, there are no perfect parents. And we must all deal with regrets of one form or another.

I think the majority of regrets fall into four basic categories.

Four Categories of Regrets1-Careless Mistakes

The first category is something I’d call careless mistakes:  There’s not really anything morally wrong with these actions; they’re just accidents. They’re the kind of things we do without thinking, but that sometimes lead to far-reaching and potentially devastating consequences.

They’re split-second decisions that go awry, like swerving your car to avoid hitting a dog and plowing into a telephone pole instead. Or forgetting to blow out the votive candle you had burning in an upstairs bathroom before leaving for church. Or diving into water that was shallower than you realized.

Then when your car is totaled or the person in your passenger seat is killed or your house burns down or you wake up paralyzed from the neck down and have to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair, then you find yourself locked in a spiral of “IF-ONLY”s and “WHY-DIDN’T-I”s and deep, overwhelming, relentless regret that constantly cycles through your conscience in a never-ending loop, like a scratched vinyl record that gets stuck playing the same tired measure over and over and over again.

I’ve definitely experienced that kind of regret (though with far milder consequences than the true accounts of others I just related). I shared a few such regrets in my episode on miscarriage, which I’ll link in the show notes. But what has helped me avoid that continual mental barrage of negativity is the knowledge that “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose,” as we are told in Romans 8:28.

Notice that verse says ALL things, which includes even life-changing accidents and our own careless mistakes. God can take the sometimes-devastating results of a bad judgement call and use even THAT for our good, our growth, and His glory. He can use even our blunders to build character and conform us to the image of His blessed Son, Jesus Christ.  Isn’t that a comforting and encouraging thought?

We also need to remember that whatever Satan intends for evil, God will ultimately use for good. During one particularly difficult season, I wrote a poem (which I’ll link in the show notes, as well) about how this truth should serve to strengthen and encourage believers even amid the bleakest of circumstances.

2-Questionable Decisions

The second kind of regret comes when we do something that seems entirely reasonable at the time, but then later start to question if it were all a huge mistake.

Such regrets are especially common among parents, because we all want the best for our kids. We want to train them up “in the way they should go,” trusting that when they are old, they will not depart from them,” just as Proverbs 22:6 tells us to do.

So we do whatever seems right and fitting and best in the moment. But then, if those methods don’t produce the results we were hoping for, we begin to question our parenting decisions. Would a different approach have served us better? Would an alternate way have led to better results? We become plagued by doubts and regrets and a steady stream of WHAT IFs? — like the mom from that first message I read today who let a business opportunity distract her from the important work of managing her household and educating her children.  

But, like so many of us, she was doing something that seemed good at the time. I wouldn’t classify these decisions as willful disobedience or rebellion, but more as misdirected energies.

Even there, it’s sometimes hard to know. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes the virtuous woman as being both an excellent homemaker and a prudent business woman. I love the way those verses read in the Amplified Version:

“She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard. She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm…. She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff…. She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].

That was verses 16-17, 19, 24, but the entire chapter is inspiring.

And when you read such an account, you can understand how a wife and mother could feel torn between those two worlds. I’ve been involved in lots of work-at-home endeavors over the years myself:

Back when I was in college, I sold needlework kits and taught groups of women how to do crewel embroidery, lace-net darning, candlewicking, chicken-scratch, trapunto, and lots of other long-forgotten needle artsWhen my husband and I were newly married, I had a weekly radio program called “Schooling with Software” that allowed me to get free copies of all the latest and greatest educational computer programs to review on airFor a while, I hosted Bible studies for young moms in my neighborhood and, years later, our family opened our home for worship services and fellowship dinners which were attended by 100+ people every Sunday When we first moved to Tyler, I edited a weekly, online newsletter called Moms-Connect for local homeschoolers and also coordinated monthly Moms-Night-Out meetings where local women could come have dinner and listen to speakers address topics of interest I’ve written and published over 30 books, having done the bulk of that writing in the wee hours of the morning while my family slept (I’ll put a link in the show notes in case you’re interested)Later, I penned a weekly column for the newspaper called Family Matters. The editors let me write about whatever I wanted, and I received wonderfully positive feedback from the community about my chosen topicsAnd, of course — for now — I’m still blogging and podcasting and teaching weekly classes at our local homeschool co-op (Algebra 1, Algebra 2, Woodburning and Leatherworking, plus I lead a women’s group there. How’s that for a fun but full Monday?)

My point is, all these things seemed like reasonable investments of time when I first started them — and many of them actually were a great fit for a season — but I eventually had to lay most of these endeavors aside in order to focus my attention on more pressing matters.

The needlework classes were especially short-lived. I had to quit teaching those when my college coursework became too heavy to do much more than studyI quit evaluating educational software when our kids started fighting over who got the next turn on the computer — and instead shifted to a literature-based curriculum with living books we could read outside in the fresh air and sunshineI took what I thought would be a short break from writing my newspaper column when we went to Europe in January of 2020, but then COVID hit, quickly followed by some family crises that demanded my full attention, and I ended up never going back to it.We even took an extended, 7-year-long break from our homeschool co-op when one of our sons developed severe respiratory problems and we thought he was going to die every time he got the sniffles, which happened all too frequently when we were attending weekly classes with a couple hundred homeschooling friends during the peak of cold and flu season

That’s the way it goes for all of us, though. Sometimes we try new things and they’re wonderful. Sometimes we give something a go and it fizzles. If that first mom’s business opportunity had been all it was cracked up to be, bringing in extra income while simultaneously increasing the time she had to devote to her family, then she likely wouldn’t have been plagued with regrets at all.

A lot of times, you won’t know until you try whether some new business venture or educational endeavor or extracurricular activity or pastime or hobby will be a good fit for your family or not. When you realize something isn’t working, then do your best to ditch that plan and try something different. Or enjoy the extra margin that comes from pruning the non-essentials from your life and schedule.

My husband and I re-evaluate the things our family is involved in at least once or twice a year to decide whether the returns on our time investments justify our continued participation. Is it worth it to keep doing what we’re doing?

I don’t mean monetarily worth it. Lots of the things being re-examined don’t bring in any money at all, but rather cost money. But we want to be sure the things we devote our time and energy to are actually helping us accomplish primary goals.

Of course, making such decisions for yourself sounds fine and good, but what if you aren’t in a position to choose?

3-Dashed Hopes

That brings me to a third kind of regret: When plans don’t pan out. When your dreams don’t come true. When nothing looks like you envisioned. Or when life takes a turn you weren’t counting on, like the wife who found her entire existence revolving around the care of ailing in-laws.

I’ve experienced those kinds of turns, as well. As I’ve mentioned before, we have three sons with Type 1 diabetes: one was diagnosed at age 14, another at age 6, and our firstborn before he even turned 2. 

And while I wouldn’t say our lives have completely revolved around all the daily blood tests and shots and carb counting and keytone checking and glucometers and transmitters and insulin perscriptions associated with their care, it certainly seemed that way in the beginning and continues to be something we must routinely take into consideration.

And I think it’s okay to acknowledge the struggle in cases like that. It’s okay to feel sad about the fact your child has a disease for which there is no known cure. Or to long for a baby when you’re infertile. Or to pray for a spouse when you are single and lonely. Or to consider ways to increase the bottom line when you’re struggling financially.

Proverbs 13:12 tells us, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” We all long to be in the second half of that verse, don’t we? With all of our deepest desires fully realized? But we often have to live much of life in the first part of the verse, with hopes that keep getting popped each time they begin to bubble.

I don’t remember where, but I do remember reading something once that had been written by a parent of a severely disabled child in which she discussed the grieving process she and her husband had to go through.

Naturally, they love their baby fiercely and are so grateful to God for the opportunity to raise her, but each time they saw their friends’ children pass milestones they knew their child would never reach – taking first steps, riding a bike, playing team sports, graduating college, getting married, having babies – they had to take a moment to grieve and process and bury that hope for their own child and to lay all those tangled emotions at the foot of the cross and look to God for the grace and wisdom and strength they needed to “run with endurance the race” that was set before them—which looked so very different than the races their friend’s families were running – but they were determined to keep their eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of their faith,” as Hebrews 12:1-2 encourages all of us to do.

I love the scene in The Lord of the Rings where Frodo is talking to Gandalf about the return of Sauron and the discovery of the ring and the need to destroy it, and Frodo laments, “I wish it need not have happened in my time.”

To which Gandalf replies, “So do I, and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

The same is true for you and me. Most of the time, we don’t get to pick the life circumstances we find ourselves dealing with. But we do get to choose how we’ll respond to them.

I understand grieving over what is lost or feeling profound disappointment over unfulfilled dreams, but you simply cannot remain there. At some point — hopefully sooner rather than later — you’ve got to dry your eyes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start doing what you can to make the best of whatever situation you find yourself in. “…each one should lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him and to which God has called him,” as Paul prescribes in 1 Corinthians 7:17.

If you’re single when you’d rather be married, commit those years to God and pray that He would give you meaningful ways to invest in the lives of those around you to encourage and uplift them. Work on developing the same kind of character qualities as a single that would serve you well as a spouse: integrity, patience, industry, understanding, purity of both thought and action, love, joy, peace, and all the other fruit of the Spirit. And trust in God’s good plan for your life, even if that plan isn’t unfolding anything like you hoped it would.By the same token, if you are married but unhappily so, don’t start thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Do what you can to infuse joy back into the marriage you’ve got. Focus on your spouse’s good qualities and build him up. Pray. I have several free printable prayer guides to help you do this, which I’ll link in today’s show notes. And my husband and I both have free 30-day challenges on loving your wife and respecting your husband that I’ll link as well.Perhaps you are crowded into a tiny house or apartment that seems way too small for your rapidly growing family. I remember how it felt to be busting at the seams that way. My advice to you: Do what you can to make your current place feel more like home. Keep it as neat and tidy as you can and fill it with as many happy, warm memories as it can possibly hold, all the while praying and trusting that God has you right where He wants you and will move you to something bigger and better in His perfect timing, if that is truly what you need.

My goal – and I recommend it to you, too — is to adopt Paul’s mindset by learning to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself, as he describes in Philippians 4:11-13:

“I know how to live humbly, and I know how to abound. I am accustomed to any and every situation—to being filled and being hungry, to having plenty and having need.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

Wherever you find yourself today, I hope you won’t waste any more precious time in fretting over things beyond your control, but instead will lay all of your regrets at the foot of the cross and move forward in the strength Christ provides.

Accept the invitation He offers, first of salvation and forgiveness: “If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (as we read in Romans 10:9).

And then, accept Christ’s promise for rest and relief from life’s burdens: “Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

4-Intentional Sin

Finally, I won’t do this topic justice unless I address a final source of regret — and that is willful sin or intentional rebellion against God.

That’s what happens when we start to question His Word. When we entertain the same question the serpent posed to Eve, “Hath God really said…” When we ignore or twist or otherwise go against God’s clear direction and design.

I imagine Adam and Eve had some serious regrets when they were cast out of the Garden of Eden in penalty for their willful sin and rebellion against God’s clear command. And the fact is, any of those three prior categories of regret can serve as a gateway to sin, depending on how we respond to them.

We will do well if we “count it all joy when we encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of our faith produces endurance,” as James 1:2-3 tells us to do, and proclaim with Job, “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” (Job 1:21 ) “Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10)

But our regrets will only be compounded if we respond to careless mistakes, uncertain decisions, and dashed hopes by doing things that the Bible tells us to avoid, such as:

giving place to anger, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, or thoughts of revenge, as Ephesians 4:31-32 warns us not to door letting “the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of wealth and the desire for other things come in and choke the word and make it unfruitful,” as Mark 4:19 tells us so often happensor ignoring the clear promptings of the Holy Spirit to change course, as passages like Ephesians 4:30 and 1 Thessalonians 5:19 caution us againstor engaging in malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy, or slander — responses that are all forbidden by 1 Peter 2:1or trying to satisfy unfulfilled longings in unrighteous or forbidden ways (in defiance of Romans 6:12-13)or allowing fears, worries, and anxiety to fill your thoughts and steal your joy — the Bible repeatedly commands us to “be anxious for nothing” but to cast our worries at the foot of the cross through continual prayer (as Philippians 4:6 and 1 Peter 5:7 implore)or maligning God’s name or rejecting His Word when He doesn’t do what you want (Isaiah 29:16)or stubbornly clinging to selfish pursuits instead of lovingly serving others, as Galatians 5:13 and Philippians 2:3-4 tells us to do

As Proverbs 14:12 cautions us, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” So if disobedience or defiance is at the root of any regret you’re presently dealing with, I have both good news and bad news for you.

The good news is that if you repent and turn away from your sin, you can find full forgiveness in Christ. As 1 John 1:9 assures us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

God’s forgiveness won’t necessarily erase the earthly consequences of our sin – (I discussed this fact in my episode on forgiveness, which I’ll link in the show notes.  In other words, if I rob a bank, I may still go to prison, or if I get enough uncontested speeding tickets, I may still lose my license, despite the fact God separates my sin from me as far as the east is from the west (as Psalms 103:12 tells us He does).  

Yet, even though Christ’s forgiveness doesn’t automatically eradicate all temporal consequences, it WILL secure you an eternal home in heaven with Him and will also keep you from having to wallow in guilt for the rest of your life. As Romans 8:1 proclaims, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

And surely, if God forgives us so fully and freely, we should follow His example and fully forgive ourselves, as well, which is my answer to the listener who wrote the second letter I read at the beginning of this episode—the one who’s been beating herself up for decades and doesn’t want to operate that way anymore.

If this describes you, too, then next time Satan tries to throw some past sin back in your face, remind him — and yourself – that that offense is under the blood. The payment has been made in full and you can stand before God clothed in the righteousness of Christ. (Philippians 3:9)

So that’s the good news: Full forgiveness. No condemnation.

The bad news is: If the extent of your regrets is that you merely feel sorry about how things TURNED OUT and are not truly remorseful that you chose to sin in the first place, then nothing else I say here will be of much help to you.  

This is especially true if you are deliberately choosing to persist in your sin and are simply shifting blame, or focusing anger and resentment toward somebody else instead of turning to God, taking ownership, and making necessary changes, no matter how difficult. Repentence is the first and necessary, crucial step for dealing with regret that arises from this source. Just feeling sorry for getting caught is insufficient.

Even so, beyond repenting of wrongdoing, and purposing, by God’s empowering grace, not to make those same mistakes going forward, I don’t think God wants us to waste time fretting over the past any more than He wants us to worry about the future.

Jesus says in Luke 12:26,

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? So, if you cannot do such a small thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

This principle certainly applies to anxiety over the future. Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:25-30 not to “worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” He says the same God who provides for the birds of the air and clothes the lilies of the field in such glorious splendor will take care of us, too, for we are of much more value to Him than flowering grass or feathered flocks.

But the ban on worrying doesn’t just cover what comes next. It also applies to what came before. We have to accept the fact that what is is. What happened happened. So don’t get caught up in that endless cycle of what ifs and wherefores. Fretting over the past will do nothing to change it but will only serve to further squander the present.

Thankfully, our God is able to restore what the locusts have eaten (as we read in Joel 2:25). What Satan meant for evil, God will use for good. (Genesis 50:20; Romans 8:28).

And when you turn to God and entrust your life and future to Him, He will give you the grace to forgive yourself and to recommit yourself to living in accordance with His Word. And when we make it our habit to walk by faith and live to God’s glory, we soon find that our regrets diminish in both size and number.

The post EP 61: How to Handle Deep Regrets in Parenting & Life appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 61: How to Handle Regret

We’ve all said or done things that we later regret, sometimes profoundly so. But where does regret come from, and how are we supposed to handle this tangle of negative emotions that wants to seize control of our thoughts and side-track our focus on more important matters? That’s our topic for this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home. I hope you’ll listen in!

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Romans 8:28 – “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love….”Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will….”Proverbs 31:10-31 – “…She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it….”Proverbs 13:12 – “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is….”Hebrews 12:1-2 – “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us….”1 Corinthians 7:17 – “…each person should live as a believer in whatever situation….”Philippians 4:11-13 – “…I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am….” Romans 10:9 – “If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe….”Matthew 11:28 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give….”James 1:2-3 – “My bretheren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials….”Job 1:21 – “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name….”Job 2:10 – “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and not accept adversity?” Ephesians 4:31-32 – “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger… be put away….”Mark 4:19 – “but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires….”Ephesians 4:30 – “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom….” 1 Thessalonians 5:19 – “Do not quench the Spirit.”1 Peter 2:1 – “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy….”Romans 6:12-13 – “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should….”Philippians 4:6 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer….”1 Peter 5:7 – “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”Isaiah 29:16 – “…Can the pot say to the potter, ‘You know nothing’?”Galatians 5:13 – “But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh….”Philippians 2:3-4 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit….”Proverbs 14:12 – “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way….”1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins….”Psalms 103:12  – “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed….”Romans 8:1  – “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in….”Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden….”Proverbs 14:12 – “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way….” 1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and….”Psalms 103:12 – “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.”Philippians 3:9– “…not having my own righteousness from the law….”Romans 8:1 – “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ….”Luke 12:26 – “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? So, if you….”Matthew 6:25-30 – “Do notworry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or….”Joel 2:25 – “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten….”Genesis 50:20 – “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good….”RELATED LINKS:Forgiving Others Fully and Freely – Podcast Episode 11On Miscarriage — Help for Hurting Hearts – Podcast Episode 49What Men Intend for Evil – a poem I wrote during a difficult seasonMy Books – you can find most of the books my husband and I have written here or hereFamily Matters – archives of the newspaper column I wrote for several yearsPraying for Your Husband from Head to Toe – a free printable prayer guidePraying for Your Wife from Head to Toe – another free printable prayer guide31 Scriptures to Pray over Your Husband – yet another free printable prayer guide30-Day Respect Challenge – my free, month-long email series for married women30-Day Love Challenge – my husband’s free, month-long email series for married menHow to Handle Profound RegretEpisode 61 – Full transcript

Hello, friend.

Thanks so much for joining me again on Loving Life at Home. This week’s episode is all about regret. I meant to publish it last week, but regret to say I didn’t get it ready on time! And I’m posting it even later than I intended this week. But I’ve had a lot of other responsibilities demanding my attention, so the podcast had to be put on the back burner.

One of the things that piled up in the meantime, though, was the messages in my inbox, many of them asking for a biblical perspective on dealing with regrets—which is why that’s our topic for this week.

The first letter I’d like to respond to is from a listener who writes:

Dear Jennifer. I wonder if you’ll even get this [message]…

I found your podcast not long ago and listen whenever I find time. I started from the beginning and am working forward slowly, so please forgive me if you already have an episode close to what I suggest here, but I’m hoping you’ll address the issues of regret, particularly in parenting.

The writer goes on to explain that she and her husband have a lot of children, whom they’ve homeschooled from the beginning. And while she feels good about those decisions, she admits that, over time, she lost her focus on those primary callings of marriage and motherhood and instead became involved in a business opportunity that initially sounded like a good idea but that she now views as a huge mistake.

It promised to provide more family time together, if only she would give it her full focus for just a few years. Unfortunately, that promise never panned out. The business ended up stealing her time, energy, and passion for far too long, and now she’s sad she ever let such a venture deceive and derail her in the first place, especially when she sees the ill effects it had on her kids and family relationships. She continues:

I have sought God’s forgiveness and that of my family, and I’ve repeatedly asked Him to show me the way back, but it’s so easy to just get overwhelmed and discouraged and get off track again….  I REALLY need prayer & encouragement at times just to keep looking forward in life. 

I would so appreciate what you would have to say. I have gleaned so much already from all I’ve heard, and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your ministry! You are a blessing.

Well I sent this sweet, side-tracked mama a brief response just as soon as I read her letter, to let her know that, yes, I did receive her message and that, no, I hadn’t addressed the topic on any of my prior episodes but would do so as soon as I could – which turned out to be today!

I think her question is a good one and will likely resonate with a lot of listeners. In fact, I know it will, because within days of that first message landing in my inbox, I received several messages from other listeners and subscribers on topics that are closely related.

One listener wrote in response to my episode on forgiveness (which I’ll link in the show notes) that she’s realized she not only struggles to forgive others, but also to forgive herself, and wondered if I could share some prayers or verses or other tips that might help her stop beating herself up over past mistakes. She writes:

“I’ve lived this way for decades and it’s not the path I want to continue.”

Another listener wrote to ask if I’d make a prayer guide for dealing with grief, which I’m working on right now. While I realize grief and regret aren’t exactly the same thing, they often do go hand-in-hand.

Still another reader wrote to me about a difficult situation with her husband’s parents. An accident many years ago left her father-in-law in need of daily care, which fell largely to her husband to provide. But it meant that for most of their marriage – even as they were trying to establish their own family and raise their own children — their lives revolved around caring for demanding and sometimes domineering parents. And now she’s wondering, did they make the right call? She’s suffering from yet another kind of regret—the kind that comes when your life doesn’t play out as you’d envisioned.

Well, all these messages and letters serve as a good reminder to mothers everywhere of our desperate and overwhelming need for an outpouring of God’s grace and wisdom. Because no matter how many children you have, or how you choose to educate them, or whether you work inside or outside the home, or whether your life goes according to plan or throws you repeated curve balls, the truth is, there are no perfect parents. And we must all deal with regrets of one form or another.

I think the majority of regrets fall into four basic categories.

Four Categories of Regrets1-Careless Mistakes

The first category is something I’d call careless mistakes:  There’s not really anything morally wrong with these actions; they’re just accidents. They’re the kind of things we do without thinking, but that sometimes lead to far-reaching and potentially devastating consequences.

They’re split-second decisions that go awry, like swerving your car to avoid hitting a dog and plowing into a telephone pole instead. Or forgetting to blow out the votive candle you had burning in an upstairs bathroom before leaving for church. Or diving into water that was shallower than you realized.

Then when your car is totaled or the person in your passenger seat is killed or your house burns down or you wake up paralyzed from the neck down and have to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair, then you find yourself locked in a spiral of “IF-ONLY”s and “WHY-DIDN’T-I”s and deep, overwhelming, relentless regret that constantly cycles through your conscience in a never-ending loop, like a scratched vinyl record that gets stuck playing the same tired measure over and over and over again.

I’ve definitely experienced that kind of regret (though with far milder consequences than the true accounts of others I just related). I shared a few such regrets in my episode on miscarriage, which I’ll link in the show notes. But what has helped me avoid that continual mental barrage of negativity is the knowledge that “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose,” as we are told in Romans 8:28.

Notice that verse says ALL things, which includes even life-changing accidents and our own careless mistakes. God can take the sometimes-devastating results of a bad judgement call and use even THAT for our good, our growth, and His glory. He can use even our blunders to build character and conform us to the image of His blessed Son, Jesus Christ.  Isn’t that a comforting and encouraging thought?

We also need to remember that whatever Satan intends for evil, God will ultimately use for good. During one particularly difficult season, I wrote a poem (which I’ll link in the show notes, as well) about how this truth should serve to strengthen and encourage believers even amid the bleakest of circumstances.

2-Questionable Decisions

The second kind of regret comes when we do something that seems entirely reasonable at the time, but then later start to question if it were all a huge mistake.

Such regrets are especially common among parents, because we all want the best for our kids. We want to train them up “in the way they should go,” trusting that when they are old, they will not depart from them,” just as Proverbs 22:6 tells us to do.

So we do whatever seems right and fitting and best in the moment. But then, if those methods don’t produce the results we were hoping for, we begin to question our parenting decisions. Would a different approach have served us better? Would an alternate way have led to better results? We become plagued by doubts and regrets and a steady stream of WHAT IFs? — like the mom from that first message I read today who let a business opportunity distract her from the important work of managing her household and educating her children.  

But, like so many of us, she was doing something that seemed good at the time. I wouldn’t classify these decisions as willful disobedience or rebellion, but more as misdirected energies.

Even there, it’s sometimes hard to know. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes the virtuous woman as being both an excellent homemaker and a prudent business woman. I love the way those verses read in the Amplified Version:

“She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard. She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm…. She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff…. She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].

That was verses 16-17, 19, 24, but the entire chapter is inspiring.

And when you read such an account, you can understand how a wife and mother could feel torn between those two worlds. I’ve been involved in lots of work-at-home endeavors over the years myself:

Back when I was in college, I sold needlework kits and taught groups of women how to do crewel embroidery, lace-net darning, candlewicking, chicken-scratch, trapunto, and lots of other long-forgotten needle artsWhen my husband and I were newly married, I had a weekly radio program called “Schooling with Software” that allowed me to get free copies of all the latest and greatest educational computer programs to review on airFor a while, I hosted Bible studies for young moms in my neighborhood and, years later, our family opened our home for worship services and fellowship dinners which were attended by 100+ people every Sunday When we first moved to Tyler, I edited a weekly, online newsletter called Moms-Connect for local homeschoolers and also coordinated monthly Moms-Night-Out meetings where local women could come have dinner and listen to speakers address topics of interest I’ve written and published over 30 books, having done the bulk of that writing in the wee hours of the morning while my family slept (I’ll put a link in the show notes in case you’re interested)Later, I penned a weekly column for the newspaper called Family Matters. The editors let me write about whatever I wanted, and I received wonderfully positive feedback from the community about my chosen topicsAnd, of course — for now — I’m still blogging and podcasting and teaching weekly classes at our local homeschool co-op (Algebra 1, Algebra 2, Woodburning and Leatherworking, plus I lead a women’s group there. How’s that for a fun but full Monday?)

My point is, all these things seemed like reasonable investments of time when I first started them — and many of them actually were a great fit for a season — but I eventually had to lay most of these endeavors aside in order to focus my attention on more pressing matters.

The needlework classes were especially short-lived. I had to quit teaching those when my college coursework became too heavy to do much more than studyI quit evaluating educational software when our kids started fighting over who got the next turn on the computer — and instead shifted to a literature-based curriculum with living books we could read outside in the fresh air and sunshineI took what I thought would be a short break from writing my newspaper column when we went to Europe in January of 2020, but then COVID hit, quickly followed by some family crises that demanded my full attention, and I ended up never going back to it.We even took an extended, 7-year-long break from our homeschool co-op when one of our sons developed severe respiratory problems and we thought he was going to die every time he got the sniffles, which happened all too frequently when we were attending weekly classes with a couple hundred homeschooling friends during the peak of cold and flu season

That’s the way it goes for all of us, though. Sometimes we try new things and they’re wonderful. Sometimes we give something a go and it fizzles. If that first mom’s business opportunity had been all it was cracked up to be, bringing in extra income while simultaneously increasing the time she had to devote to her family, then she likely wouldn’t have been plagued with regrets at all.

A lot of times, you won’t know until you try whether some new business venture or educational endeavor or extracurricular activity or pastime or hobby will be a good fit for your family or not. When you realize something isn’t working, then do your best to ditch that plan and try something different. Or enjoy the extra margin that comes from pruning the non-essentials from your life and schedule.

My husband and I re-evaluate the things our family is involved in at least once or twice a year to decide whether the returns on our time investments justify our continued participation. Is it worth it to keep doing what we’re doing?

I don’t mean monetarily worth it. Lots of the things being re-examined don’t bring in any money at all, but rather cost money. But we want to be sure the things we devote our time and energy to are actually helping us accomplish primary goals.

Of course, making such decisions for yourself sounds fine and good, but what if you aren’t in a position to choose?

3-Dashed Hopes

That brings me to a third kind of regret: When plans don’t pan out. When your dreams don’t come true. When nothing looks like you envisioned. Or when life takes a turn you weren’t counting on, like the wife who found her entire existence revolving around the care of ailing in-laws.

I’ve experienced those kinds of turns, as well. As I’ve mentioned before, we have three sons with Type 1 diabetes: one was diagnosed at age 14, another at age 6, and our firstborn before he even turned 2. 

And while I wouldn’t say our lives have completely revolved around all the daily blood tests and shots and carb counting and keytone checking and glucometers and transmitters and insulin perscriptions associated with their care, it certainly seemed that way in the beginning and continues to be something we must routinely take into consideration.

And I think it’s okay to acknowledge the struggle in cases like that. It’s okay to feel sad about the fact your child has a disease for which there is no known cure. Or to long for a baby when you’re infertile. Or to pray for a spouse when you are single and lonely. Or to consider ways to increase the bottom line when you’re struggling financially.

Proverbs 13:12 tells us, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” We all long to be in the second half of that verse, don’t we? With all of our deepest desires fully realized? But we often have to live much of life in the first part of the verse, with hopes that keep getting popped each time they begin to bubble.

I don’t remember where, but I do remember reading something once that had been written by a parent of a severely disabled child in which she discussed the grieving process she and her husband had to go through.

Naturally, they love their baby fiercely and are so grateful to God for the opportunity to raise her, but each time they saw their friends’ children pass milestones they knew their child would never reach – taking first steps, riding a bike, playing team sports, graduating college, getting married, having babies – they had to take a moment to grieve and process and bury that hope for their own child and to lay all those tangled emotions at the foot of the cross and look to God for the grace and wisdom and strength they needed to “run with endurance the race” that was set before them—which looked so very different than the races their friend’s families were running – but they were determined to keep their eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of their faith,” as Hebrews 12:1-2 encourages all of us to do.

I love the scene in The Lord of the Rings where Frodo is talking to Gandalf about the return of Sauron and the discovery of the ring and the need to destroy it, and Frodo laments, “I wish it need not have happened in my time.”

To which Gandalf replies, “So do I, and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

The same is true for you and me. Most of the time, we don’t get to pick the life circumstances we find ourselves dealing with. But we do get to choose how we’ll respond to them.

I understand grieving over what is lost or feeling profound disappointment over unfulfilled dreams, but you simply cannot remain there. At some point — hopefully sooner rather than later — you’ve got to dry your eyes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start doing what you can to make the best of whatever situation you find yourself in. “…each one should lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him and to which God has called him,” as Paul prescribes in 1 Corinthians 7:17.

If you’re single when you’d rather be married, commit those years to God and pray that He would give you meaningful ways to invest in the lives of those around you to encourage and uplift them. Work on developing the same kind of character qualities as a single that would serve you well as a spouse: integrity, patience, industry, understanding, purity of both thought and action, love, joy, peace, and all the other fruit of the Spirit. And trust in God’s good plan for your life, even if that plan isn’t unfolding anything like you hoped it would.By the same token, if you are married but unhappily so, don’t start thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Do what you can to infuse joy back into the marriage you’ve got. Focus on your spouse’s good qualities and build him up. Pray. I have several free printable prayer guides to help you do this, which I’ll link in today’s show notes. And my husband and I both have free 30-day challenges on loving your wife and respecting your husband that I’ll link as well.Perhaps you are crowded into a tiny house or apartment that seems way too small for your rapidly growing family. I remember how it felt to be busting at the seams that way. My advice to you: Do what you can to make your current place feel more like home. Keep it as neat and tidy as you can and fill it with as many happy, warm memories as it can possibly hold, all the while praying and trusting that God has you right where He wants you and will move you to something bigger and better in His perfect timing, if that is truly what you need.

My goal – and I recommend it to you, too — is to adopt Paul’s mindset by learning to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself, as he describes in Philippians 4:11-13:

“I know how to live humbly, and I know how to abound. I am accustomed to any and every situation—to being filled and being hungry, to having plenty and having need.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

Wherever you find yourself today, I hope you won’t waste any more precious time in fretting over things beyond your control, but instead will lay all of your regrets at the foot of the cross and move forward in the strength Christ provides.

Accept the invitation He offers, first of salvation and forgiveness: “If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (as we read in Romans 10:9).

And then, accept Christ’s promise for rest and relief from life’s burdens: “Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

4-Intentional Sin

Finally, I won’t do this topic justice unless I address a final source of regret — and that is willful sin or intentional rebellion against God.

That’s what happens when we start to question His Word. When we entertain the same question the serpent posed to Eve, “Hath God really said…” When we ignore or twist or otherwise go against God’s clear direction and design.

I imagine Adam and Eve had some serious regrets when they were cast out of the Garden of Eden in penalty for their willful sin and rebellion against God’s clear command. And the fact is, any of those three prior categories of regret can serve as a gateway to sin, depending on how we respond to them.

We will do well if we “count it all joy when we encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of our faith produces endurance,” as James 1:2-3 tells us to do, and proclaim with Job, “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” (Job 1:21 ) “Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10)

But our regrets will only be compounded if we respond to careless mistakes, uncertain decisions, and dashed hopes by doing things that the Bible tells us to avoid, such as:

giving place to anger, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, or thoughts of revenge, as Ephesians 4:31-32 warns us not to door letting “the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of wealth and the desire for other things come in and choke the word and make it unfruitful,” as Mark 4:19 tells us so often happensor ignoring the clear promptings of the Holy Spirit to change course, as passages like Ephesians 4:30 and 1 Thessalonians 5:19 caution us againstor engaging in malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy, or slander — responses that are all forbidden by 1 Peter 2:1or trying to satisfy unfulfilled longings in unrighteous or forbidden ways (in defiance of Romans 6:12-13)or allowing fears, worries, and anxiety to fill your thoughts and steal your joy — the Bible repeatedly commands us to “be anxious for nothing” but to cast our worries at the foot of the cross through continual prayer (as Philippians 4:6 and 1 Peter 5:7 implore)or maligning God’s name or rejecting His Word when He doesn’t do what you want (Isaiah 29:16)or stubbornly clinging to selfish pursuits instead of lovingly serving others, as Galatians 5:13 and Philippians 2:3-4 tells us to do

As Proverbs 14:12 cautions us, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” So if disobedience or defiance is at the root of any regret you’re presently dealing with, I have both good news and bad news for you.

The good news is that if you repent and turn away from your sin, you can find full forgiveness in Christ. As 1 John 1:9 assures us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

God’s forgiveness won’t necessarily erase the earthly consequences of our sin – (I discussed this fact in my episode on forgiveness, which I’ll link in the show notes.  In other words, if I rob a bank, I may still go to prison, or if I get enough uncontested speeding tickets, I may still lose my license, despite the fact God separates my sin from me as far as the east is from the west (as Psalms 103:12 tells us He does).  

Yet, even though Christ’s forgiveness doesn’t automatically eradicate all temporal consequences, it WILL secure you an eternal home in heaven with Him and will also keep you from having to wallow in guilt for the rest of your life. As Romans 8:1 proclaims, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

And surely, if God forgives us so fully and freely, we should follow His example and fully forgive ourselves, as well, which is my answer to the listener who wrote the second letter I read at the beginning of this episode—the one who’s been beating herself up for decades and doesn’t want to operate that way anymore.

If this describes you, too, then next time Satan tries to throw some past sin back in your face, remind him — and yourself – that that offense is under the blood. The payment has been made in full and you can stand before God clothed in the righteousness of Christ. (Philippians 3:9)

So that’s the good news: Full forgiveness. No condemnation.

The bad news is: If the extent of your regrets is that you merely feel sorry about how things TURNED OUT and are not truly remorseful that you chose to sin in the first place, then nothing else I say here will be of much help to you.  

This is especially true if you are deliberately choosing to persist in your sin and are simply shifting blame, or focusing anger and resentment toward somebody else instead of turning to God, taking ownership, and making necessary changes, no matter how difficult. Repentence is the first and necessary, crucial step for dealing with regret that arises from this source. Just feeling sorry for getting caught is insufficient.

Even so, beyond repenting of wrongdoing, and purposing, by God’s empowering grace, not to make those same mistakes going forward, I don’t think God wants us to waste time fretting over the past any more than He wants us to worry about the future.

Jesus says in Luke 12:26,

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? So, if you cannot do such a small thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

This principle certainly applies to anxiety over the future. Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:25-30 not to “worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” He says the same God who provides for the birds of the air and clothes the lilies of the field in such glorious splendor will take care of us, too, for we are of much more value to Him than flowering grass or feathered flocks.

But the ban on worrying doesn’t just cover what comes next. It also applies to what came before. We have to accept the fact that what is is. What happened happened. So don’t get caught up in that endless cycle of what ifs and wherefores. Fretting over the past will do nothing to change it but will only serve to further squander the present.

Thankfully, our God is able to restore what the locusts have eaten (as we read in Joel 2:25). What Satan meant for evil, God will use for good. (Genesis 50:20; Romans 8:28).

And when you turn to God and entrust your life and future to Him, He will give you the grace to forgive yourself and to recommit yourself to living in accordance with His Word. And when we make it our habit to walk by faith and live to God’s glory, we soon find that our regrets diminish in both size and number.

The post EP 61: How to Handle Regret appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 60: Ideas for Connecting Grandparents & Grandkids

Grandparent’s Day is coming up, so this week we’re discussing how to cultivate a closer relationship between grandkids and grandparents, including things parents can do to facilitate the connection.

This episode of Loving Life at Home is drawn primarily from a post I published about five years ago, which you can read in its entirety below this week’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:James 5:16 – “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” Philippians 4:6 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication….”Proverbs 17:6 – “Grandchildren are the crown of old men….”RELATED RESOURCES:

– Praying for Your Grandchildren – A Free Printable Prayer Guide

6 Smart Ways to Connect with Your Grandchildren

Did you know today is Grandparent’s Day? It always falls on the first Sunday in September after Labor Day.

Grandparent’s Day may not get the attention that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day attract, but it serves as a good reminder of the important role grandparents play in the lives of their children’s children.

My own grandparents lived several hours away. They did the bulk of their encouraging and influencing from afar. But they still made a point of pouring into our lives. They found lots of smart ways to connect with their grandchildren.

In contrast, my husband and I spent our first decade together living just down the street from my parents. Our kids saw their grandparents almost daily. We could hop on our bikes and be at Nana and Papa’s house in five minutes flat.

Now Doug and I are grandparents ourselves.

We often reflect on how our own parents/ grandparents fulfilled this role before us. And we intentionally mimic their best practices, including all of the following:

Connect with your grandchildren by praying for them

Prayer is the first and best thing you can do for your grandkids. And it doesn’t depend on proximity. Whether your grandkids live on the other side of the street or on the other side of the world, you can pray for them daily.

Pray for their health and safety. Pray for their relationships to family, to friends, and to God Himself. And pray for wisdom to know how you can best to encourage your grandchildren and build them up as individuals.

Connect with your grandchildren by spending time with them

Although mine were long-distance grandparents, we made lots of great memories together during the years they were alive.

Once in a blue moon, they came to Dallas to visit us. But Papa was hard of hearing in both ears and blind in his right eye. Consequently, he once drove off and left my grandma at a gas station inadvertently. He didn’t realize she wasn’t sitting in the truck beside him listening to him rant about gas prices until he’d traveled several miles down the highway.

Perhaps that explains why, more often, we drove to Oklahoma to see them. We celebrated most major holidays at their house in Oklahoma. We also went camping together, along with all the aunts and uncles and cousins.

And my sister and I spent an entire week with Mema and Papa almost every summer. They bought us fireworks. And baked us brownies. And took us swimming in the frigid spring-fed waters of Big Bear Falls in Sulphur. They also made us behave and took us to Sunday school and told us funny stories from when our daddy was little.

Connect with your grandchildren by cooking for them

My grandmothers were both wonderful cooks, as my mother is still. My children love eating their Nana’s home cooking as much as I enjoyed eating all the homemade biscuits, home grown veggies, and home baked pies my grandmas spread on their tables whenever we visited.

Especially in the fast-food age we live in now, there is something almost magical about those old-school meals we used to feast on as children around our grandparents’ tables. Next time your grandkids pay you a visit, why not break out a well-loved recipe that has been in your family for generations and share it with the next?

Connect with your grandchildren by writing to them

I grew up in an era before email or texting or video chat. In those days, long distance phone calls were charged by the minute, but first class postage stamps sold for less than a nickel. Accordingly, my grandparents were my earliest pen-pals.

My grandpa once wrote to thank me for a pet rock I’d painted him for Christmas. He told me “Pebbles” was a huge fan of rock music, especially the Rolling Stones, but had unfortunately fallen in with a rough crowd and come home stoned. He tried sending her to school, but her teacher sent home a note saying Pebbles was so hard-headed, nobody there could teach her anything.

“So I put her back in her box,” Papa concluded, “and haven’t heard a peep out of her since.” Forty-two years later, I still have that letter, which I reread this morning before penning this column.

My Mema also wrote me regularly. I can’t remember ever receiving a letter from her that didn’t have some sort of surprise tucked inside along with the correspondence: a stick of gum, a few coins, a coloring or activity page, a Cracker Jack prize, a dollar bill, a comic strip, or a handful of postage stamps for my growing collection.

Once she sent a photograph of my father in his army uniform, which I initially mistook for a picture of her postman. (Anybody else remember when mail carriers walked house to house in dress blues to deliver the post?) I still have many of her old letters, too, as well as that picture of Dad in his military duds!

Connect with your grandchildren by cheering for them

Celebrate your grandchildren’s milestones and achievements. Make a big deal of their accomplishments. Tell them often how proud you are of them.

If you live close enough, show up for their piano recitals and soccer games and graduations. If you can’t attend in person, root for them from a distance. And let them know you’re with them in spirit.

Connect with your grandchildren by telling them stories

One of the smartest ways to connect with your grandchildren is by telling them stories. You can do as my grandmother did and tell stories about their own parent’s exploits growing up. Like the time she spied my preschool-aged father at the top of a 50-foot windmill. She promised him everything in the book to coax him into climbing back down, but the first thing he got when his feet were back on solid ground was a spanking!

Need inspiration for storytelling? Break out the scrapbooks and photo albums and go through them together, recalling details about the people and events pictured inside. Or, in the absence of true-life tales, you can do as the grandfather in Princess Bride did and read your grandkids the same stories your children loved growing up.

Some of my grandchildren live close enough that I see them almost every day. Some live hours away — two on another continent. But near or far, I count it a privilege to carry on with them many of the same traditions my grandparents started with me.

Jennifer Flanders is the proud grandmother of 22 grandchildren (with more on the way). She does her best to practice all 6 smart ways to connect with your grandchildren. For a fly-on-the-wall look at more of her parenting philosophies and family traditions, check out her book, Glad Tidings: The First 25 Years of Flanders Family Christmas Letters.

The post EP 60: Ideas for Connecting Grandparents & Grandkids appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 59: On Deciding If and When to Have Children

To be or not to be a parent… that is the question! Given the dark times in which we live, how are Christian couples to view the prospect of having children? What considerations should they take into account while deciding when–or whether–to start a family.

I hope you’ll listen in as we examine many of the most common objections couples give regarding the prospect of having children.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:1 Corinthians 12:14 – “…the body does not consist of one part, but of many.”Psalm 127:3-5 – “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is….” Psalm 128:3-4 – “Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in His way….”Genesis 1:28 – “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply….'”Deuteronomy 7:13 – “He will love you and bless you and multiply you.…”John 8:31 – “If you continue in My word, then you are truly My disciples.”1 Cor. 10:31 – “… whatever you do, do all for the glory of God.”2 Cor. 5:7 – “For we live by faith, not by sight.”1 Peter 3:15-16 – “Always be prepared to give a defense to everyone who asks you….”Luke 10:27 – “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and…”Psalm 37:25, “…never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”Phil. 4:19 – “God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ….”Galatians 5:22 – “The Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness….”Philippians 1:6 – “He who began a good work in you will perfect it until….”James 1:5 – “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all….”Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”1 Timothy 2:15 – “Women, however, will be saved through childbearing, if they….” Eph. 2:8-9 – “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not….”1 Tim 5:13-14 -“… So I advise the younger widows to marry, have children, and ….”Matthew 5:13-15 – “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its savor….”Jeremiah 29:4-6 – “…have sons and daughters. Multiply there; do not decrease.”Exodus 1:11-12 – “…the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied….”Deuteronomy 11:19 – “speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk…”Luke 23:29 – “…people will say, ‘Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that….’”Matthew 24:6 – “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you….”Gen. 2:24-25 – “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and….”Malachi 2:15 – “Has not the LORD made them one, having a portion of the Spirit….”Matthew 19:14 – “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them….”Romans 8:28 – “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good….”RELATED LINKS:Ep 58: Best Wedding Gift You’ll Ever Get Ep 15: Is Having Babies a Waste of Time?Ep 8: Smart Reasons for Having BabiesM is for Mama: Ep 61 – Is the Child-Free Movement BiblicalUS Fertility Rate GraphDo You Wanna Have a Baby? – an original music video A Quiverful Report – our interview with Al JazeeraMiriam’s Big American Adventure: Episode 3 – our interview with the BBCDemographic Winter – link to the sequel of the documentary we watched 15+ yrs ago)These Governments Pay Citizens to Have BabiesWhen Strangers Count Our Kids & Ask Us If We’re DoneLove Your Husband/ Love Yourself – my book On Deciding When to Have ChildrenFull transcript for Episode 59

Hello, Friend.

Welcome to Episode 59 of Loving Life at Home. Last week, we talked about the best wedding gift a couple will ever receive. If you missed it, I hope you’ll go back and listen. I’ll put a link in the show notes to make it easy to find.

And the topic I want to talk about today is a gift very closely connected to that last one we discussed, and that is the gift of children.

There once was a time when societies viewed children as God views them—as a rich blessing, a heritage, a gift, a reward. They were seen as an integral, invaluable part of the family. Moreover, having babies was the natural progression after getting married, not a distant afterthought. A large family was considered an asset, not a liability.

But times have changed. We live in a society today that views children as an inconvenient burden or an annoying obstacle to self-fulfillment. A society that worships autonomy and views self-absorption as a good and noble trait. That passes out free abortions and vasectomies like candy, as was done at the Democratic National Convention last week. It is heartbreaking.

Trending Down

By the year 2020, fertility rates in the United States had dropped to the lowest we’ve seen in over 40 years. Although the news reports heralding that bleak statistic often speak of our nation’s fertility, what they are actually describing is our birthrate.

The problem is not so much that we are unable to conceive, but that, as a nation, we are choosing not to conceive (and terminating a large percentage of the pregnancies that do occur).

Consequently, for nearly every group of women of reproductive age, US birthrates have plummeted. This sharp decline has resulted in the fewest newborns our country has seen since the late 1970s, just one short decade before my husband and I conceived the first of our twelve children.

When we notice such trends, it’s always smart to ask why? Why aren’t people having more babies? Why aren’t children loved and valued and protected in our country, as they should be?

In past generations, getting married, settling down, and raising a family were considered markers of a successful transition into adulthood. Markers the vast majority of young people achieved by the time they turned thirty.

This is no longer the case.

These days, college-age kids rarely consider themselves ready for that kind of responsibility. They don’t want to rush into anything they might later regret. In their minds, the risks far outweigh the benefits.

And if they are unwilling to commit to marriage, which society now views as transient and disposable, how much less inclined are they to shoulder the lifelong attachment and responsibility of parenthood?

Unfortunately, even couples who overcome their risk-aversion sufficiently enough to tie the knot often pause at the prospect of starting their family.

I’ve told you before, but my husband and I married while we were both still students. He was 20; I was 22. He was juggling three jobs and attending night school to finish his bachelor’s degree. I was teaching calculus labs while working on my master’s in math. All the while, we lived in a cheap apartment complex populated by topless dancers, suspected drug dealers, and impoverished neighbors who were under constant threat of eviction.

The standard advice our parents and pre-marital counselors offered was to wait five years (minimum) before starting a family. First, we should get to know one another. Finish our degrees. Buy a house—or at least move to a safer, more child-friendly neighborhood.

All well-meaning recommendations, to be sure. But advice that, by the gracious providence of God, we immediately and happily ignored by getting pregnant two weeks into our honeymoon.

More children followed in quick succession. Consequently, I spent the first 25 years of our marriage either pregnant or nursing or both. And now, thirty-seven years, twelve children, and twenty-two grandchildren later (with more on the way), we feel supremely blessed.

It saddens me to see married couples postponing children indefinitely—or even willfully choosing to remain childless for life. So today, I’d like to challenge Christian couples, especially, to live counter-culturally by rejecting the bias against having children that is presently in vogue.

A Moral Duty?

Somebody recently asked me whether I thought Christians have a moral duty to have children. I don’t know that we can go that far. The call God has placed on your life will likely look different from mine, and vice versa. As 1 Corinthians 12:14 reminds us, “…the body does not consist of one part, but of many.”

But I can say with 100% confidence that Christians ARE morally obligated to live in agreement and in accordance with God’s WORD. As far as we are able, we should view everything we encounter in this world as God Himself views it. And Scripture makes it indisputably clear that God considers children a blessing:

Psalm 127:3-5 – “Behold, children are a gift [or heritage] of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”Psalm 128:-4 – “Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in His way. When you eat the fruit of the labor of your hands, you will be happy and it will go well for you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house, your children like olive plants around your table. Behold, for so shall a man who fears the LORD be blessed.”Genesis 1:28 – “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it…”Deuteronomy 7:13 – “He will love you and bless you and multiply you. He will bless the fruit of your womb and the produce of your land…”

So, it is our Christian duty to regard children the same way God regards them: as a blessing rather than a burden. And they are a blessing!

My Goals in Discussing This Topic

Now, I’m not trying to convince anybody to have a houseful of kids they don’t want. Raising children is hard work. It’s rewarding work, to be sure. But it is also challenging. And if the only reason somebody undertakes that task is because I’ve convinced her that’s the thing to do, then that motivation will be insufficient to keep her going when the going gets rough.

That’s why my goal, instead, is three-fold:

Study God’s Word
First, I want to convince Christians to study what God says in His Word about this matter for themselves—as Jesus points out in John 8:31, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly My disciples.”

So I encourage you to study what God’s Word says on this topic and make certain you’re viewing the prospect of having children the same way God views that prospect and are bringing your thoughts and opinions into line with what He says is right and true and desirable instead of just parroting what the world says about marriage and motherhood and children.

I know for a fact the Holy Spirit can do a far better job of convicting and convincing you that any 20-minute podcast could ever hope to accomplish!Live a Yielded Life
Second, I want to encourage Christians to live a yielded life. What your yielded life looks like may (and very likely will) be different than what my yielded life looks like, but it should be our goal as believers to bring every facet of our existence under the Lordship of Christ.

That includes our thoughts and beliefs, the way we steward our time and money, our work and leisure activities, how we use and develop the gifts and talents with which we’ve been entrusted, and yes, even how we steward our fertility and family size.

Our goal should be to glorify God (as 1 Cor. 10:31 commands us to do) and to walk by faith, not by sight (as we’re told in 2 Cor. 5:7), in each and every one of these areas.Be Willing to Explain
Then, my third goal is to always be ready and willing to explain to those who ask why we’ve made the choices we’ve made, just as the Bible instructs us to do. There we read:

“But in your hearts sanctify Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give a defense to everyone who asks you the reason for the hope that is in you. But respond with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who slander you may be put to shame by your good behavior in Christ.” – 1 Peter 3:15-16… This verse is the reason I’ve written so many books and blog posts and recorded podcast episodes on this and related topics (I’ll link a few of those in today’s show notes in case you’re interested in reading more).

It’s why I try to give thoughtful responses to readers or listeners who follow up with even more questions.

It’s why I am patient with strangers who notice our family size and ask probing questions, including questions that some folks might consider rude.

And it explains why our family has agreed to interviews with Al Jazeera, the BBC, 20/20 and the like. We are more than happy to share the faith and the hope that has undergirded our family planning decisions and to explain how clearly and repeatedly God has confirmed to us that children are a huge blessing – in far more ways than we originally imagined.

So we tell them: As Christians, our goal is to love and serve God with everything we’ve got: with all our heart and soul and mind and strength. (Luke 10:27)  For us, fertility is a natural extension of that concept.

If we believe that God can be trusted with our health and our home and our finances and our eternal security — and we do! — then why not trust Him with our family size, too? By leaving the family planning to God, we merely acknowledge what the Bible has made clear from the beginning: It is God who opens and closes the womb.

Okay now, with those three purposes in mind – a commitment to studying God’s Word, a desire to live a yielded life, and a willingness to gently and respectfully defend our faith – let’s examine some of the reasons modern-day couples commonly give for actively avoiding parenthood.

Common Objections: Personal“We can’t afford children”

The reluctance some couples feel about having children may stem from a desire to maintain control. They want to make sure the timing is perfect: Land a high-paying job, buy a roomy house, pay off school loans, reach the point where they can provide everything the world claims is necessary for the health, happiness, and well-being of their offspring.

They want all their ducks in a row before they’ll even consider trying for a baby. And until that day comes, they’ll tell you, “We can’t afford children.” They don’t feel like they have enough money and/or time to start a family.

Which begs the question: How much money does it take to raise a child to adulthood? I’ve seen headlines that estimate the cost to be anywhere from to 237K to 1.1M per child. It’s no wonder such a price tag would scare away a lot of folks.

Of course, if you’re willing to buy things second hand, and to forgo dressing your children in designer clothes or sending them to ivy league schools, and if you can turn a deaf ear to the steady stream of marketing ads trying to convince you to buy things you don’t really need, then you can reduce that bottom line dramatically.

Yet David wrote in Psalm 37:25,

“I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”

That’s so true.  The Bible promises that “God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:19 and we’d do well to remember that fact and live like we believe it.

That’s not to say you won’t need to moderate your lifestyle. You may not be able to maintain same standard of living after children as you had before, or to afford as large a house or as nice a car or as swanky a vacation.

Several years ago, my husband had a partner who. who told him, “You know, if only you’d stopped at two children, you could’ve afforded to retire early with money in the bank and a 2-million dollar mansion, like me.” [That may not be a verbatim quote – I only heard it second hand – but that was the unmistakably clear message.]

However – by God’s grace – my husband and I both instinctively knew all those material trappings would not and could not ever bring us the deep satisfaction shepherding a dozen living souls has provided. And I wouldn’t trade the fruit of our choices for a world of big bank accounts and fancy houses.

I saw an interview in which somebody recently asked Tucker Carlson what advice he’d give to young people these days, and—without so much as a pause to deliberate—his answer was to get married and have children ASAP. He claimed that was the bravest and most creative thing a person could do.

He also stressed the fact that money doesn’t satisfy. I don’t have the exact quote written down, but he elaborated by saying something along the lines of, I’ve known a lot of rich people in my life, and they’ve all been miserable. So don’t chase wealth. Invest in things that really matter.

To which I say a hearty Amen!

“I don’t have enough patience!”

If some couples put off having children because of finances, others opt out because they’re scared: They’re afraid of making mistakes. Afraid they’ll fail. Afraid they’ll be bad parents. Afraid they don’t have what it takes.

What do we know about raising children? They ask rhetorically. Or, even more common, they’ll claim “I don’t have enough patience.”

Well, good news! Raising children can be a very maturing & sanctifying, if you’re willing to embrace that aspect of parenting and allow God to use the process to mold you into a better… I started to say a better version of yourself, but that’s not exactly right. His goal instead is to conform us to the image of His beloved son, Jesus Christ,

I’m not saying that having a baby magically and immediately transforms you into a selfless saint, but God definitely can and does use your children to root things like stubborn pride and selfishness out of your heart and to replace them with a humble concern for the needs of others and the soul-nourishing fruit of His Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22)

The verse I quoted a minute ago, about God supplying all our needs? We need to remember, that isn’t just talking about physical needs like food and clothing, but about spiritual needs as well, like wisdom and understanding and endurance. What’s more, we can be confident that “He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus,” as we read in Philippians 1:6. And that includes the good work He started when He made us parents.

“I’m Afraid of Pregnancy and Childbirth”

Another personal objection I sometimes hear is from women who’ve had extremely difficult pregnancies and/or hard deliveries. Or their mothers had complications, and they don’t want to follow in the same footsteps. They dread pregnancy and childbirth. Maybe they don’t relish the idea of daily puking up their guts for nine months solid –I’ve had friends who were still throwing up in the delivery room. Or perhaps they’re concerned they literally won’t survive giving birth.

To be honest, I don’t have an easy answer for that one. We live in a fallen world, and all these things need to be taken into prayerful consideration. As I’ve said before, I have easy pregnancies, smooth deliveries, healthy babies, stable emotions, physical strength, a stable marriage – the list goes on and on, so it made perfect sense for me to have babies, and lots of them. But not every woman is blessed with those same circumstances.

Fortunately, God promises wisdom to those who ask, not just for day-to-day living, but for making tough decisions like the one just described: James 1:5 tells us,  

“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously & w/o reproach, and it will be given to him.”

So pray for wisdom and discernment, then also pray for strength in carrying out that decision, as you’ll likely hear opposing viewpoints regardless what you decide. So determine ahead of time you will proclaim with Paul,  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

Let’s consider 1 Timothy 2:15…

I’ve sometimes heard 1 Timothy 2:15 used as an argument for having babies despite health risks. It reads:

“Women, however, will be saved through childbearing, if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.” But does it really apply to this discussion?

What does “will be saved through childbearing even mean?

eternal salvation?

Well, I don’t believe it is talking about the eternal salvation of our souls.  Ephesians 2:8-9 makes this clear: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

And if we tried to interpret 1 Tim 2:15 to mean that women are saved by means of childbearing, we would be contradicting the clear teaching of scripture that salvation is by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone….

physical preservation?

So maybe when it says “women will be saved through childbearing” it means we will be preserved through childbirth? (Indeed, that’s how the most recent NASB version renders this verse.

Yet I know of many pious women have died while giving birth… In fact, before the advent of modern medicine (and especially antibiotics), one in five women died giving birth or shortly thereafter. So while that understanding may be generally true, it doesn’t seem to capture the meaning of this passage completely.

christological reference?

I’ve read some commentaries that suggest 1 Tim 2:15 refers to Christ, who through childbirth became flesh to die for our sin. But, while that is certainly how history played out, I think you really have to read between the lines to get that meaning out of this verse.

more meaningful priorities?

After giving birth twelve times over and dedicating so much time to raising those dozen children to adulthood, I wonder if perhaps Paul was suggesting that childbearing could save women from a misspent life?

Certainly, the responsibility of raising so many children prevented my engaging in much of the idle gossip Paul cautions against a couple of chapters later. In 1 Tim 5:13-14, he warns,

“At the same time they will also learn to be idle, going from house to house and being not only idle, but also gossips and busybodies, discussing things they should not mention. So I advise the younger widows to marry, have children, and manage their households, denying the adversary occasion for slander.”

Did you notice that last part? Paul provides an antidote for the idle, gossip-driven, busybody life he just described: His solution was to marry, have kids, and invest your energy into keeping your own household running smoothly.

And I suspect his earlier comment on women’s “being saved through childbirth” may have been rooted in this same line of reasoning.

Whew! I don’t even know HOW we got off on that tangent, but there it is. In the meantime, let’s get back to the common objections couples give for postponing or avoiding children…

Common Objections: Interpersonal

My husband sent me an article a few weeks back about a French writer by the name of Corrine Maier who recently published a book called Me, First. [I won’t bother linking that one in the show notes, because it is definitely not a book I’d recommend.] But in it, the author promotes selfishness as a virtue and warns women not to get married or have children, because quote: “Motherhood is a trap. Marriage is a bad deal.”

Of course, my husband suspected that headline would really get my dander up when he sent it to me – and he was right! Thankfully, I don’t think this particular title has been translated into English yet, but I did some digging and found out she wrote another book back in 2007 that became an international best seller. I think the English title of that one was No Kids – and in it she presented what she considered 40 good reasons not to have children. Her list included things like (paraphrased):

“Kids will ruin your sex life.”

Ha! That one made my husband and me both laugh out loud, because it is so demonstrably untrue. You can bet I’ve had a LOT more sex since becoming a mother than I ever did before!

“Traveling with kids is a nightmare.”

A challenge? Yes. But nightmare? That hasn’t been our experience, either. We love traveling with our kids. It is so much more fun to explore new places and try new things when we get to enjoy it together as a family.

“Kids will inevitably disappoint you. “

Well, if you are expecting your children to be perfect, then maybe this is true. But if you approach parenting with the understanding that everyone of us, mom and dad included, have a sin nature that needs to be brought into subjection to the Lord Jesus Christ, then you won’t be surprised or shocked or scandalized when kids act in accordance with that fallen nature, but will view it as an opportunity to train them and lovingly point them to Jesus.

Another reason this author gave for not having children is that kids are expensive (I already addressed that topic earlier), and that…

“Kids will cause you to lose contact with all your friends.”

Which is not necessarily true. Besides, having kids also leads to the formation of lots of wonderful new friendships – both with the kids themselves, and with their friends and their friends’ parents.

One thing this author said that I do think is valid and deserves discussion is the idea that…

“Kids won’t satisfy your deepest longings.”

I love all my children dearly, and I do get a sense of satisfaction from knowing and raising and spending time with them. But ultimately, the source of my satisfaction is Christ. It is rooted wholly and completely in Him and in doing what He has called me to do, which of course includes mothering.  

I don’t think it’s fair for parents to expect their children to satisfy all the longings of their hearts. That is neither wise nor necessary.

You can still have a close, mutually encouraging relationship with each and every one of your children without depending on them to meet your deepest emotional needs. So the fact that they can’t bring complete satisfaction should not be a deterrent to having children, since a prudent parent will never expect them to.

Common Objections: Philosophical

Then, I think there is a whole class of common objections to bringing children into the world that I would call philosophical in nature.

One such objection I’ve heard is that having babies is a distraction from the more important work of sharing the gospel.

I did an entire podcast on this particular argument (and I’ll link it in the show notes rather than trying to rehash it here. Just look for Episode 15: Is Having Babies a Waste of Time?), but suffice it to say here that I strongly disagree with that idea.

“The world too wicked.”

Other couples will cite as their reason for remaining childless the idea that “The world too wicked.”

Yet, shouldn’t that be all the more reason for Christians to have babies? God calls us to be salt and light in our communities: Light dispels darkness, and salt acts as a natural preservative – it slows process of spoiling.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said it this way:

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its savor, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden, do people light a lamp and put it under a basket. Instead, they set it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. Matthew 5:13-15

Note that, even during their captivity, God told the exiles who were carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon:

“Build houses and settle down. Plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters. Take wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Multiply there; do not decrease.” Jeremiah 29:4-6

Babylon was a wicked empire, yet God did not view that as a reason His people should stop being fruitful and multiplying.

The same is true of Egypt. We know that God also greatly multiplied Israelites in during the years they were slaves to Pharaoh…

“So the Egyptians appointed taskmasters over the Israelites to oppress them with forced labor… But the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied and flourished; so the Egyptians came to dread the Israelites.” Exodus 1:11-12

So if God’s answer for His people in the pagan cultures of Egypt and Babylon was to get married and have lots of children and busy themselves teaching those children about Him ( “…when you sit in your house, when you walk along the way, when you lie down, when you rise up….”  Deuteronomy 11:19), why do we think His counsel would be any different for Christians in our culture today?

“The world is already overpopulated.”

Another objection I often hear is that there are already too many people on the planet to be sustainable. The world is overpopulated.

Some couples are genuinely concerned about global warming and climate change, they don’t want to be a drain on the environment, and are trying to do everything they can to reduce their carbon footprint—even at the cost of never having children.

I talked a little about those arguments with Abbie Halberstadt on an episode of her podcast, M is for Mama, which I’ll link in the show notes, but even at 8.1 billion, if we assigned 500 square feet of living space apiece to every man, woman, and child, we could fit the entire world population into an area the size of the state of Montana. That’s 500 sq ft per person, not per family (interestingly, our entire family – my husband, myself, and the 10 children at the time — lived in a 500 sq ft bachelor barracks for 4 months during a stateside deployment my husband served with the Army Medical Reserves in 2006).

We saw a great documentary several years ago called Demographic Winter that did a fabulous job of addressing these fallacies of overpopulation. I’ll see if I can look it up and link it in today’s show notes.

Yet lots of countries find themselves in big trouble economically because birth rates have dropped below replacement levels. That leaves them with an Aging population, and not enough young workers to support them.

Declining birth rates cause so many problems, in fact, that some countries, as I mentioned earlier, are now paying their citizens to procreate.

“The world is far too dangerous.”

Another common argument I’ve heard against starting a family is that the world has grown too dangerous to bring more children into it.

Some couples can’t imagine bringing a child into a world filled with so much violence and suffering. They don’t want their little one to face the realities of global pandemics, death, destruction, political unrest, economic hardship, terrorism.

Again, we need wisdom for navigating these issues.Luke 23:29  warns us,

“Look, the days are coming when people will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore, and breasts that never nursed!'”

[I think it is interesting to note that this verse assigns that pronouncement to people… people will say barren wombs are blessed. It doesn’t say God agrees with that sentiment.

In fact, in addition to the clear instructions God gave His children who were living in captivity in Babylon and Egypt – the ones I just read – we also have Matthew 24:6 ,

“You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come.”

Over and over again, we are told not to worry about tomorrow. And that command should impacts and inform every facet of our lives, including family size. You will never go wrong trusting God to decide.

Rarely are decisions completely one dimensional though. Undoubtedly, lots of different considerations help shape how a couple approaches the question of when and whether to have children.

“Our lives are too busy for children.”

One couple’s decision to postpone or forgo children may be rooted in more selfish reasons. They want to have fun, enjoy their freedom, mark a few things off their bucket list first, and they know intuitively that having kids would bring an abrupt end to the carefree, autonomous, indulgent life they’re presently living.

“We already have all the kids we can handle.”

Another couple may have already had a couple of kids and aren’t sure they can handle any more. They view children as something to enjoy in moderation. One or two is fine. Four or five is scary. Any more than that is certifiably insane – or abysmally ignorant. I can’t even begin to count the number of times some stranger has counted my kids then asked me,  “Don’t you know what causes that?”

Yet all these ideas stand in stark contrast to the Word of God, which tells us unequivocally that children are a blessing and a heritage from Him.

So why aren’t believers having more babies? Why aren’t Christian counselors encouraging couples to “be fruitful and multiply?” Why aren’t churches proclaiming the message that children are a blessing from God and greatly to be desired?

Since when do Christians let the world dictate how they think about anything? Christians should be far more concerned with what God says about a subject than what social media, the general populace, psychological “experts,” Hollywood elites, or political pundits think of it.

And when it comes to the topic of children, we see that God’s word is unashamedly pro-child. Fertility is portrayed as a gift and a blessing – which it is. Not as something to be despised, squandered, and short-circuited.

Sex = Oneness + Fruitfulness

And that brings up another important point, which is the fact the only reason the question of when and whether to have babies is even a discussion is that, thanks to birth control and abortion, our society has almost completely divorced sex from fruitfulness.

But God’s design and intent is for the two to go together.

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” Genesis 2:24-25“Has not the LORD made them one, having a portion of the Spirit? And why one? Because He seeks godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” Malachi 2:15

“The two shall be one flesh”, not only symbolically in the physical union of the sex act itself, but also literally in the fruit it produces. Half of his DNA and half of hers combine to create an entirely new person!

Sex as God designed it to be enjoyed — by a husband and wife fully committed to one another and open to receiving the blessing of children — is a potent thing. (as we discussed last week in Episode 58 (which I’ll put in the show notes, in case you missed it)

When any of those elements are missing (marriage, faithfulness, procreative potential), sex is stripped of some of its power and meaning, and what is left is a distorted shadow of what was meant to be.

Jesus told his disciples, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:4). And I want my heart to reflect that same love for little ones and openness to receive them.

God Can Be Trusted

Plus, as a Christian, I believe God is sovereign. He opens and closes the womb. And He can be trusted to work all things together – even family size and spacing – for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

I could talk about all the myriad and unexpected blessings my husband and I have personally experienced after giving God full control of our family planning and joyfully accepting all the children He’s seen fit to send us.

I could cite scientific studies, as well, that indicate having children – lots of them – is corelated to good health and longevity. (I cited – and linked — several of these studies in Episode 8 on Smart Reasons for Having Babies, which I’ll link in the show notes)

But personal anecdotes, logical arguments, scientific studies, and demographic downturns are insufficient, in and of themselves, to provide the grace needed to persist when the going gets tough.

Parenting is hard work. It’s rewarding work, to be sure, but difficult, nonetheless. Couples need more than intellectual or economic arguments for having kids. They need a strong conviction, an abiding sense of purpose, a spiritual calling. They need a deep understanding that the Word of God is perfect and unchanging.

A commitment to adopting and maintaining a scriptural view toward children is a refusal to exchange the marvelous, natural function of our fertility for something unnatural, artificial, and purposefully designed to thwart God’s intended plan.

Becoming a parent, whether by birth or adoption, is an exercise of faith. Raising children is a way of glorifying God with the gifts He has given us, of serving Him through serving others, and of making disciples of Christ.

For me and my husband, trusting God to determine the size of our family has been both a leap of faith and an act of worship as we’ve joyfully cooperated with His marvelous design. It has meant taking His yoke upon us but finding it easy and light and filled with more joy than we could have ever imagined.

That has been our experience, and I hope it will be yours, as well.

The post EP 59: On Deciding If and When to Have Children appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 58: The Best Wedding Gift You’ll Ever Get

Tune into Episode 58 as we discuss the best wedding gift any couple will ever receive — a gift that God Himself designed and prepared especially for husbands and wives to enjoy and one that will benefit them in all the myriad ways detailed below and more.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Genesis 2:21-25 – “And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam….”Proverbs 18:22 – “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”Proverbs 31:2 – “She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.”1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 – “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife….”Proverbs 5:18-19 – “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth….”John 10:10 – “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy….”Isaiah 55:8-9 – “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways….” Romans 11:33 – “O, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!”Ephesians 5:21-33 – “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ….RELATED LINKS:Love Your Husband/Love YourselfWhy I Keep Saying Yes to SexWives: 13 Subtle Signs Your Husband is in the MoodThe Best Wedding Gift You’ll Ever GetFull transcript for Episode

Hello, Friend. Welcome to Episode 58 of Loving Life at Home.

If you saw the title of this episode, “The Best Wedding Gift You’ll Ever Receive,” you may be scratching your head as to what I could possibly mean. Well, I’ll give you a hint: It’s one of my all-time favorite topics. I’m referring, of course, to the the GIFT of physical intimacy in marriage.

Just so you’ll know: I’m not going to say anything on this subject that I’d be embarrassed to say in front of my own children (at any age or stage). In fact, my comments will be far less graphic —  and far more Biblically grounded – than the curriculum taught these days in many public school classrooms to students as young as kindergarten.

But I realize everybody is different, and your level of comfort in discussing sex with your kids may be different than mine. So you may want to keep all those things in mind if little ones are within earshot while you’re listening to this episode.

I spent years doing research for the first book I ever wrote. The title of that book is LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, LOVE YOURSELF: EMBRACING GOD’S PURPOSE FOR PASSION IN MARRIAGE. One reader wrote in her review, “This book is the talk your mom never had the nerve to have with you.”

And that makes sense, because the first 11 chapters – fully half of the book – is about the physical relationship between husband and wife. You’ll find a link in the show notes, in case listening to this episode leaves you wanting to learn more. Just be aware that it’s NOT a how-to book – I’m assuming readers will have already figured that part out on their own. What I’ve written instead is a why-to book.

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.

And let me tell you, there are LOTS of compelling reasons we should prioritize the physical intimacy aspect of marriage.

As much as I would love to delve into all the fascinating research and scientific studies I included in that book, I’m going to narrow my focus today and just give a brief overview of four key attributes of this physical union we call sex.  

And for the purposes of today’s discussion, I’d like you to think of sex as a GIFT.

How do you know whether a gift is loved and appreciated?

I’m guessing you’ve received lots of gifts over the years: Christmas presents, birthday gifts, maybe wedding or baby shower gifts.

Sometimes those gifts are exactly what you wanted or needed, and the giver knows it was a hit because you use it ALL THE TIME.

That was definitely the case with a black fabric Zorro mask I sewed for my son Samuel when he was about four years old. I never had to wonder whether he liked it or not, because he wore it almost constantly—inside, outside, at mealtime, at bathtime, virtually every waking moment for well over a year, he kept that thing tied around his head until we all but forgot what he looked like underneath.

He treated that little swath of fabric like an American Express Card: never left home without it. At least once, he even smuggled it into church in the pocket of his blue jeans. Halfway through the sermon, I glanced down the pew at all my little ones lined up and listening quietly, and realized Sam had taken that mask out of its hiding place and tied it back around his head.

Setting aside the mild embarrassment I felt in that moment, it was gratifying to see how absolutely thrilled that one simple gift made my young son.

Imagine, though, that instead of wearing that Zorro mask as intended,  he’d folded it up and stuffed it in the bottom drawer of his nightstand, and I never saw it again? Don’t you think I might’ve felt like I wasted my time stitching it in the first place? What was the point if he never used it?

With that scenario in mind, how would you say you are doing using wonderful gift of sex that God gave to wives and their husbands? I started to say “to husbands and their wives,” but I think a lot of women—especially in past generations—think of sex as something that is primarily intended for a man’s benefit (an idea that sorely needs to be refuted). I have friends, in fact, whose own mother told them before they married that sex is “just something a wife has to endure.”

But that is such a woefully deficient view of what God intended physical oneness to be for both participants! We need to see sex for the GOOD gift it is–a gift God created to be enjoyed faithfully, frequently, and freely in the context of marriage.  

G = GOOD.

Sex is a GOOD gift God has given married couples to enjoy. Not only was marriage God’s GOOD idea, but so was sex. On the sixth day of creation, He created man, declared it not good for man to be alone, created a helpmeet suitable for Adam, and presented her to him. 

We read the full account in Genesis 2:21-25,

"And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and [God] took one of [Adam’s] ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

Note that this one-flesh union is part of what God had in mind when He surveyed His work after the sixth day of creation and pronounced it all VERY GOOD. 

The world often tries to characterize Christians as a bunch of prudes who think sex is shameful and dirty and should only be engaged in for the purposes of procreation. Yet Christians of all people should view sex—at least sex as God designed it to be enjoyed in the context of marriage – as something that is wonderfully pure, delightful, and awe-inspiring.

And isn’t it interesting that God would inspire that 25th verse to be written?   “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” That’s as it should be. A husband and wife should be so intimately acquainted as to be completely unselfconscious baring both their bodies and souls to one another.  

Unfortunately, lots of girls say “yes, yes, yes” to sex before marriage (something the Bible calls sin), then try to make up for that fact by saying “no, no, no” to sex with their husbands later. This is completely backwards and is a recipe for a miserable marriage.

But it’s easy enough to understand why this is the case. It’s because the world would have us believe that hooking up with complete strangers is “freedom” while faithfully having sex with your husband is “slavery.”

Yet that upside down thinking is absolute poison. God’s Word paints a different picture.

Proverbs 18:22 tells us, “He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” And Proverbs 31:2 says a virtuous wife “does [her husband] GOOD and not evil all the days of her life.”

That’s the kind of wife I want to be. I want my life to affirm the truth of those verses in my husband’s mind. I want him to read those portions of Scripture and others like them and say “Amen!” not “How’s that?”

And, as I said before, one of the surest ways to safeguard our marriages against the world’s toxic thinking is by remembering that sex is a gift.

I = IMPORTANT

So if the G in GIFT stands for GOOD, the following letter,  I, reminds us that prioritizing sex in the context of marriage is IMPORTANT.

It’s certainly important to most husbands:

I saw a funny article just last week in The Babylon Bee entitled “Wives: 13 Subtle Signs Your Husband Is ‘In The Mood.’”

For those who don’t know, The Babylon Bee is a satirical news site that serves up hilarious headlines on the reg. It’s the site, in fact, whose attempted cancellation and censorship by Twitter inspired Elon Musk to buy that social media company for $44 BILLION, just so he could reinstate their account.

I’ll put a link to the “Subtle Signs” article in the show notes in case you want to read all of them. It was published on August 15, which I thought was fitting, since its our wedding anniversary – and I was telling my husband about it on the way home from dinner, because I knew he’d be able to relate.

But as soon as I read him the title, “13 Subtle Signs Your Husband May Be ‘in the Mood,” Doug laughed and said, #1: He’s alive.

And I said, no. That’s actually #2. Their list starts with…

He’s awake: Yup, he’s interested.He’s breathing: A clear sign he’s in the mood to get down….

And it finished with …

He did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, walked the dog, mowed the lawn, mulched the flowerbeds, finished the basement, and built a two-story addition behind the garage: Come on, the poor guy is desperate now, and…He married you: A clear sign, especially if he’s also awake and breathing.

That last reason–he married you–is probably the most compelling of all. Because we read in 1 Corinthians,

"The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” - 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” - Proverbs 5:18-19

Funny story: When one of my sons finished high school and was asked to submit a favorite Bible verse for a slide show that would play during graduation, that last passage, Prov. 5:18-19, is the one he sorely wanted to submit, which I can fully appreciate would be something any healthy, red-blooded young man would be looking forward to putting into practice someday when he married.

Nevertheless, I convinced my son that some folks in the audience might be scandalized by that selection and convinced him to pick a second favorite to send in to the graduation committee.

But, back to my point. Sex in marriage is important because:

Sex promotes unity and strengthens the marital bond. It allows a husband and wife to figuratively and literally become “one flesh.”Sex releases oxytocin – also known as “the cuddle hormone” – which serves to knit you and your spouse together and keep you close, even when you are apart.Sex acts as a safeguard against temptation and makes both husband and wife less vulnerable to the seductive enticements so prevalent in our society.

Now, readers sometimes accuse me of advocating frequent sex in marriage because I’m afraid my husband will cheat on me if I don’t take care of him at home.

So let me be perfectly clear that, because I married a man of integrity, I believe he would strive to honor his marriage vows to me even if I didn’t have sex with him as frequently as I do. But we would both be missing out by that course of action, so why would I choose that?

Plus, we would both be more susceptible to sin’s seduction if we ignored God’s clear injunction to not deprive one another sexually.

That increased vulnerability to temptation is not just some conclusion I’ve arrived at after casual observation of failed marriages all around me. Again, the warning comes straight out of scripture:

 “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” - 1 Corinthians 7:5

So my decision to prioritize sex in the context of marriage was not made in a spirit of FEAR, but of OBEDIENCE. I want to honor God’s Word, follow His clear instructions, and (hopefully) reap the benefits that come from ordering my life according to His design.

Jesus warned us in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” Hasn’t that been Satan’s MO from the very beginning? The devil is powerless to create anything on his own—all he can do is take the good things God created and underine, twist, pervert, distort, and decimate them.

Satan “comes to steal, kill, and destroy,” but Jesus came so that we “would have life, and have it abundantly.”

And one grossly undervalued source of that abundance is the physical relationship shared by a husband and wife.

So, G-I-F-T. Sex as God designed it is GOOD, IMPORTANT, and…

F = FAR-REACHING

The benefits we reap through frequent sex with our spouse reach far beyond the immediate gratification we feel during the act itself – which is in perfect keeping with the way God does everything.

As we read in Isaiah 55:8-9,

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.’”

This thought is mirrored in Romans 11:33 ,

"O, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and untraceable His ways!"

It reminds me the couple who scrimped and saved to go a cruise, then stayed in their stateroom eating peanut butter and crackers at mealtime, because they didn’t realize all the food they could possibly eat and more was included in the price of their fare.

I think a lot of husbands and wives are subsisting on the equivalent of peanut butter and saltines, because they don’t fully understand or appreciate the depth of riches God has stored up for them in this GIFT of physical oneness.

Did you know, for instance, that having sex with your spouse holds the following benefits?

It boosts immunity Increases longevityReduces your risk of heart disease Wards off cancer (in fact, research has shown that increased oxytocin inhibits proliferation of prostate cancer in men and breast cancer in women) —The key here, as with many of the other benefits, is monogamous sex, since promiscuity can raise risk of cancer by 40%Sex also strengthens bones (through the release, in both husband and wife, of testosterone and growth hormones)It promotes better communication: Studies indicate frequent sex improves a woman’s ability to recognize, identify, and communicate emotions, and it also sharpens a man’s ability to read facial expressions. That would be helpful in marriage, don’t you think?Additionally, sex relieves anxiety and depression —> In fact, a wife whose husband does not use a condom is less susceptible to depression than one whose partner does —> scientists think that may have something to do with the prostaglandin that is present in seminal emissionsAlong those same lines, even a husband’s sweat has been shown to have a surprisingly beneficial effect on a wife’s moods: it reduces stress; induces relaxation; even affects her menstrual cyclesSex also improves sleep — both partners sleep deeper after sex and wake up better restedAnd sex contributes to a more youthful appearance: Having sex at least 4X per week takes 10 years off a person’s apparent age. (Again: the key is monogamy, because sleeping around can age you prematurely)

This list of goes on and on and on. I feel a little like a snake oil salesman when I start listing all the various ways sex benefits us physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

And, keep in mind, those are just the benefits we happen to know about. Prioritizing sex in marriage – as God clearly commands us to do – likely has myriad more far-reaching effects than we can even imagine. It is truly marvelous and awe-inspiring just how much power God has packed into this wonderful GIFT He created for married couples to enjoy.

So far, we’ve seen that sex is GOOD, IMPORTANT, FAR-REACHING, and the last quality I’d like to discuss is the T, which stands for TESTIMONY

T = Testimony

An active sex life in marriage is a TESTIMONY to others. To understand this fact, we need only to read Ephesians 5:21-33.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a glorious church, without stain or wrinkle or any such blemish, but holy and blameless."In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Indeed, no one ever hated his own body, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. For we are members of His body.“'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

So a strong, healthy, loving, thriving marriage is a testimony to the world. Did you catch that? Marriage is meant to illustrate Christ’s great love for the church (which is one reason Satan is trying so hard to destroy or redefine marriage). Our unity in marriage is a testimony to a lost world.

But it is also a testimony to our children. If we want our children to save sex for marriage – and we should – then we need to ask ourselves: Does my marriage relationship reassure them they’ll get to enjoy sex regularly once they do wed?

Think about that for a minute: Your relationship to your husband may be the only marriage book your children ever read. What lessons will they take with them when they leave home?

I hope one of the lessons they’ll take is the idea that sex is a wonderful GIFT – one that should be saved until marriage, then enjoyed frequently and with an overwhelming sense of gratitude in the context of marriage.

The post EP 58: The Best Wedding Gift You’ll Ever Get appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 57: On Children’s Chores

This week on the Loving Life at Home Podcast, we’re talking all about children’s chores. I’ve been fielding a lot of questions on this topic lately, and I realize I haven’t shared much about how we handle chores at our house, so today is the day! I hope you’ll listen in.

Show NotesVERSES CITED: Proverbs 14:4 – “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.”Galatians 6:9 – “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”Philippians 2:14 – “Do everything without complaining or arguing…”RELATED LINKS:Episode 53 – Microsystems for Organizing Your HomeBedroom Inspection Checklist (let kids know what you mean when you say “clean your room”)Age Appropriate Chores for Children (free printable list available in multiple languages)Teaching Kids to Do Chores Cheerfully (several ideas that have helped our kids over the years)Why the Controversy over Children’s Chores? (readers weigh in on both sides of the debate)Should We Pay our Kids for Doing Chores (and if so, how much?)Super Easy Peanut Butter Cookies (only 3 ingredients–4 if you add chocolate chips)How we assign chores in our familyEpisode transcript

Hello, Friend.

Welcome to episode 57 of Loving Life at Home. This week, we’re talking all about children’s chores.

I’ve been fielding a lot of questions on this topic lately, and I realize I haven’t shared much about how we handle chores at our house, so today is the day!

Kids will be heading back to school soon, or – if you homeschool like I do – perhaps they’ll be gathering for lessons around the kitchen table or hitting the books while lounging on couches and easy chairs in the house or on blankets spread under the trees outside.

Either way, I hope you’ll recognize household chores as a valuable part of their life skills education.

The fact is, few things do more for a child’s sense of confidence and responsibility than learning to do household chores thoroughly, consistently, cheerfully, and without being reminded. Our kids all realize that their contribution to family life is important. They know that we depend on them to help keep our home looking good and running smoothly. And they’ve learned to work hard, usually without complaining. This work ethic will serve them well when they are grown.

For our family, we grouped all chores into one of three categories:

1. Personal Chores

Those are the things the children do each day to keep their personal things in order, like making their beds, straightening their rooms, or folding and putting away their clean laundry.

The children have never gotten paid for doing such things, nor do we give them an allowance. They are simply expected to do them consistently and cheerfully, in gratitude for the privilege of living at home and to make sure it remains a tidy and pleasant place to live.

When the kids were all really young, we’d usually partner a preschooler with an older sibling, who would help make certain the little ones’ beds got made and clothes put away satisfactorily.

And, while we’re on the topic, we made these chores as easy as we could. I already talked about how we dealt with toys in Episode 53 when we discussed microsystems for home management. But I don’t think I addressed bed making at that time.

When our kids were little, we used just a fitted sheet and one top layer – either a quilt or a covered blanket or a comforter. So making the bed only entailed flapping that top layer out over the mattress so that it looked relatively smooth, then placing their pillow at the head of the bed.

It could literally be accomplished in about 20 seconds. So even if they were helping a toddler, both beds would look perfect in no more than a minute.

They like this method so much that most of them have kept that routine even as older teens and adults. In fact, the red cotton quilts my older boys have been sleeping under had gotten so threadbare that I replaced them recently, and when I got online to order new sheets to match, I asked if they wanted top sheets or extra blankets now that they’re older and might find a fully made bed more comfortable, but they all said no. They like the system they’re used to.

So, although I ordered sheet sets than included top sheets, I’m planning to just cut at least one of those up to make extra pillowcases, since those boys take after their Dad and all sleep with three or four pillows every night, and the extra-long twin sheet sets only came with one pillowcase each!

And, when it comes to clothes, I don’t care if they hang them up in closets or fold and put them in drawers, as long as the dirty clothes are deposited in the hamper and the clothes in their rooms are clean, sorted, and out of sight, I don’t try to micromanage how they handle putting clothes away.

In my own closet, all the hangers point the same direction and clothes are all organized by color and style, and in my drawers and my husband’s drawers, we fold and file T-shirts and underwear, rotating them from front to back or left to right as we wear them.

But I quickly realized that any effort I put into organizing most of my children’s clothes in similar fashion was misspent and would be undone in a matter of minutes the first time they changed clothes in the recently restocked closet.

I definitely do have some kids who file their folded clothes and organize everything in rainbow order, but that really has to come from inside. So I don’t try to force it on everyone.

The only thing we are really a little OCD about in terms of family laundry is our stance that we never stash dirty clothes in the laundry room. We bring baskets of dirty laundry one at a time and put them directly into the washer.

If there are more dirty clothes than can fit in one load, we keep the rest outside the door to the laundry room, but never inside. That way, the entire family knows that any clothes you find in the basket inside the laundry room are clean and waiting to be put away.

We recently had to explain this family rule to the grandkids, because I’ve been homeschooling three of them, and they’ll sometimes go running or swimming or take a shower at our house after getting sweaty shooting baskets, and we started finding wet towels in the corner of our laundry room and realized they were changing clothes in there and unwittingly leaving their dirty things behind.

Thankfully they’d dropped them in the corner, but we told them to scoop them up and deposit them in the laundry basket right outside the door instead so they won’t accidentally get mixed in with the clean clothes.

The last thing I’ll say about keeping laundry put away and bedrooms tidy is that I created a little checklist to help my kids know what I mean when I tell them to clean their room. I call it my Bedroom Inspection Chart, and I’ll link a free printable version in today’s shownotes.

But that’s enough about personal chores. The next category of children’s chores is…  

2. Daily Chores

Those are those things that must be done daily or even several times daily—like washing clothes, wiping down counters, sweeping floors, gathering trash, loading the dishwasher, or cooking meals—which benefit the entire family. We do not pay the children to do these chores, either.

Every child from three years-old and up is assigned one daily task to do before or after every meal. And we only rotate these chores annually, so each child will do their assigned chore every day for an entire year. New assignments are made each January according to the child’s maturity and ability.

Younger children get the job of setting the table or sorting clean silverware. Middle kids get to clear the table, load or empty dishwashers, help with meal prep, or gather and take out trash. Older kids get such jobs as sweeping up after meals, wiping down the table tops and counters, or sorting and doing laundry.

The yearly rotation serves several purposes:

It makes it easier to tailor assigned chores to each child’s age and capabilities.It eliminates all arguments along the lines of, “I did that yesterday, it’s your turn today.”It allows the child to become proficient in one area before moving on to another.It ensures that, by the time each child is grown and ready to leave home, he/she will have rotated through and become comfortable doing all tasks associated with keeping house: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

Of course, there are many other options for rotating chore assignments. One reason the yearly shuffle works for us is that we have so many kids, each one could have a single job. In smaller families, each family member will have more to chores to do, though each individual chore should take less time (It’s faster to load three plates, cups, and forks into the dishwasher than 15 of each!)

This system worked for us for more than three decades. Kids stayed on the rotation until they started college – which may account for why so many of ours have started college classes early! They were incentivized by the knowledge they wouldn’t have to load the dishwasher or sweep the floor three times a day once they were spending most of the day on campus!

Of course, now I’m down to just one child – a 14-year-old daughter – who isn’t in college or grown up and moved away from home, so we set aside the yearly rotations about a year ago.

The nice thing is, all our kids are competent and capable of doing all the things that need to be done around the house, and when they’re home, they all pitch in without even being asked. They wash laundry, fold clothes, cook meals (for the whole family), wash dishes, wipe down counters, and all the rest without my even having to ask, other than to provide a little direction when they volunteer, “What can I do to help?”

And when none of them are around? Then there’s not much of a mess to clean up. Abby and I might have two plates and two cups to put in the dishwasher before heading back to our schoolwork. So it’s pretty easy.

And on days that grandkids are here schooling with us, they pitch in with chores as well. Although they’ve devised a new way to determine who does what: usually by playing knock out. The winner gets first choice in deciding which chore to do – and they all get a little exercise in deciding that and some sportsmanship practice, as well.

So, we’ve discussed personal chores and daily chores, all of which are done without compensation, other than the knowledge and satisfaction that you are doing your share to keep the family home running smoothly as a needed and valued member of the household. And of course gaining skills you’ll need to oversee your own home someday and make it a clean, warm, and inviting place to be, as well.

Then the last category of chores our children do are

3. Paid Chores

These are those bigger tasks that we normally do less frequently. Things that we might hire somebody else to do, like deep cleaning the house or mowing the lawn.

We do some of these paid chores once every week or two, like dusting furniture, mopping floors, scrubbing bathrooms, washing windows, or mowing the lawn.

Others are seasonal, like pruning trees, weeding or mulching flowerbeds, splitting wood, hanging outdoor lights on the house at Christmas time.

These are big jobs historically done by our older children. They do great work. We pay them for it and pay them well, knowing that the more they earn, the more they save for college, since they’re only allowed to spend half of what they earn.

The rest is split between savings (40%) and giving (10%), either to the church or missions or some other charitable cause of their own choosing. (That prepares them for the real world, where a big portion of their paycheck will go to pay taxes and social security and such.)

For younger kids who were interested in earning money, I’d find other jobs that needed to be done less frequently, such as cleaning baseboards, raking leaves, or washing cars.

If you need more ideas for the kinds of chores kids can do, I made a pretty little free printable chart I made several years back, which I entitled: Age-Appropriate Chores for Children. I’ll link it in today’s shownotes.

It was so popular when I first published it that our website broke from all the traffic it generated. A Montessori Facebook pages reposted it, and a couple of major newspapers referenced it as well in articles or editorials – I don’t remember for sure which ones… I’m thinking it was the NY Times and the Huffington Post or maybe USA today – but it caused our traffic to spike, sending us well over 100-150 thousand visitors in a matter of hours after each article was posted.

That’s despite the fact most of those mentions didn’t even link to our website. I’m assuming readers just saw the URL I embedded in the printable and looked us up that way.

It gained traction in other countries, as well, and was even translated into Spanish, German, French, and Italians. (You can download copies of those translations, as well, through that link I’ll put in the shownotes)

Of course as is the case with anything that attracts a lot attention, people were very polarized in their reaction to my little children’s chore chart. Some people thought it was terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad that I expected my kids to make their beds, tidy their rooms, and clear their dishes from the dinner table – and they told me so in no uncertain terms.

Children’s chores were tantamount to slavery in their minds. “Making your children into your personal slaves does not make them better people or more productive humans.” One reader wrote. Another suggested, ““This list is a bit overboard. Try birth control.”

I suspect some of the objections I received may have come from kids rather than adults — maybe even kids who didn’t like the fact their parents had printed off my list and were now requiring them to pitch in.

A boy named Alexander got right to the point: “This list is bull crap.” He told me.

I conceded that he might be right, but — as every good gardener knows —cow manure is just the thing for helping young plants grow big and strong. And doing regular chores has the same effect on children.

Several readers told me I was stealing my children’s childhoods by making them do chores, and one even suggested the only reason I had so many kids is so I’d have that much more free labor – which is so laughable, I can only guess the person who made the accusation has absolutely no appreciation for the law of cause and effect (and probably has no children either). Because if my highest goal really were to just sit around with my feet up all day long, then giving birth to twelve babies and spending more eighteen years housing, clothing, teaching, and training each of them would be a wildly inefficient way to accomplish that dream!

FORTUNATELY, those negative comments were in the minority. I had lots of readers who thought my children’s chore list was the best thing since sliced bread. “That’s what’s wrong with today’s youth!” they insisted, “they aren’t required to do any meaningful work.”

Many parents understand instinctively that doing chores is good for children and for the family as a whole. We do our kids no favors by attending to all the chores oirselves while our children play. Chores teach life skills, build confidence, contribute to family living, and prepare kids for eventual independence.

Plus, when a child gains competence and experience in one area, it often improves his performance and willingness to try in other areas. These are all good things, and several readers noted even more positive effects of incorporating our children’s help with household duties, including the fact that chores

Chores give kids a sense of belonging and of being part of a team.Chores teach responsibility, independence, and time management skills.”Chores give children “the joy of doing a good job and of helping others and making the world a better place.”Chores combat “laziness, self-centeredness,” and “feelings of entitlement.”Chores “turn children into good, productive, hard-working citizens.”Chores make kids “feel important in the family structure.”Chores give kids an opportunity to “learn through participation. Children gain confidence by mastering new skills, especially skills they perceive as ‘grown-up.’”Chores give children “hands-on job training for life!”Chores serve to “instill a strong work ethic. Children are more capable than a lot of people think.”

Some readers told me how grateful they were that their own parents taught them the value of hard work, or that they raised their children in a similar way and are so blessed to see their children thriving now as adults.

And that last point is a recurrent theme. When researchers studied highly-successful people, they found that the two things most of them had in common were that they ate meals as a family and were required to do chores while growing up.

I don’t remember where I first saw that research, but I know Harvard has done a similar, 75-year longitudinal study which demonstrated a clear link between doing chores as a child and becoming a happier, more successful adult.

Plus, it’s good for children’s psychological well-being to do meaningful work and to know their help is needed and their contributions are appreciated and they are valued members of the team. And the earlier we start, the better.

So… what was on this polarizing list of children’s chores? I won’t read the entire list, but here’s a sampling to show you what kids are capable of. Naturally, every child is different, and this is not meant to be a benchmark listing or competency test. But all things being considered, the majority of kids – including all twelve of my own—are able to do some very basic things even at very young ages. For instance,

By age 2 or 3, kids can learn to:Put toys in toy boxStack books on shelfThrow trash awayPlace dirty clothes in laundry hamper (preferably just as soon as they pull them off their bodies!)

Often singing a little song will motivate them to pitch in when it’s time to put the toys or books away and tidy the house.

“Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere. Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share.” I think that may have been a Barney song? Remember that purple dinosaur? I never watched Barney, so I’m not sure, but that may be where that song originated.

Another is, “Who can help pick up the toys? I can help! I can help! Who can help pick up the toys? I can be a helper.”

I used to sing that one with my children’s names: Who can help pick up the toys? “Jonathan! Yes he can.” Or “Bethany, yesiree!” Or “David can! He’s the man! Who can help pick up the toys? David is a helper!”

Then, by age 4-5, children can learn to:Feed pets – (especially if you’ll provide a measuring cup for dry food to keep serving size consistent)Make their beds (as we discussed earlier)Sort clean silverware – you can put away the sharp knives yourself and let your little one do the restPrepare simple snacks – like cheese and crackers, rinse and de-stem grapes, peanut butter toast, etc.Kids ages 6-7 can:carry a bag through the house and gather trash from every room. (Not that the trash is scattered, but that you have smaller trash cans throughout the house, near desks and in bedrooms. You know what I mean)they can also learn to Fold towels – teach them how to line up the edges and make a neat stackDust mop floors – attach a telescoping handle so it’s just their sizeEmpty dishwasher – you may want to invest in shatter-proof plates and drinkware, etc.By 8 or 9, kids can:Load dishwasher – rinse dishes first then load from back to frontWash laundry – teach them how to balance the load, add soap, and operate the machineBake cookies – our kids usually start with these 3-ingredient peanut butter cookiesWipe off table – teach them how to do this task without wiping crumbs onto the floorAges 10-11 can:Clean bathrooms – mirrors, counters, sinks, bath tubs, toilets, and floorsVacuum rugs – by this age, kids can push a vacuum over carpets and rugsPrepare simple mealsMow lawn – but only while wearing closed-toe shoes!Ages 12 and up can learn to:Mop the houseTrim the hedges, and with proper instruction,Do simple home repairs like fixing leaky pipes, loose doorknobs, broken hinges, etc.

Now, you need to remember that teaching a child to do any chore will likely take more time than just doing the chore yourself, at least initially. Some kids will need more supervision than others, over a longer period of time, before they can complete the chore up to standard.

Honestly, that’s probably why some parents don’t even bother trying. But the effort is so worth it in the end, so let’s follow Paul’s advice in Galatians 6:9

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

We should also do our best to be an encourager rather than a drill sergeant if we want our kids to do their work heartily and well.

I have some fun and creative suggestions for getting kids to do their chores cheerfully, but I think I’m going to need to save that topic for another podcast. In the meantime, I’ll put a link to a blog post I wrote on the topic in today’s show notes.

The point is, if you want your kids to develop a strong work ethic and learn time management skills and be better prepared for life, then assign regular chores.  Have them make their beds, put away their toys, keep their rooms tidy, clear dinner dishes, and help fold laundry.

Set a good example for them of how to do everything without complaining or arguing, as we’re told in Philippians 2:14 to do. Work alongside them knee to knee and shoulder to shoulder.

And train them to be a team player by doing their assigned chores competently, consistently, and cheerfully. Such traits will lay a foundation for future success, regardless what field of work they ultimately choose.

The post EP 57: On Children’s Chores appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

A Prayer for Teachers

It’s that time of year, when kids are heading back to class or (as has traditionally been the case for my family) hitting the books again at home. I’m all for bathing the new school year in prayer, and toward that end, I’ve published a Back-to-School Prayer to pray over students in the past. But teachers need prayer every bit as much as the pupils under their instruction, so this year, I’m adding A Prayer for Teachers to my collection of free printable prayer guides.

click to download Prayer for Teachers

This guide was easy to write. I just included all the things I’ve prayed for myself as a homeschool mom through the years: that God would help me cling to what is right and good, that He’d strengthen me and keep me alert to the individual needs of my children, that I’d approach their lessons with creativity, humility, and resourcefulness, and that He would enable me to live a life before them that would be consistently worthy of their honor and respect.

I hope you’ll find it helpful in praying for the teachers you know, including those who are instructing your children or grandchildren. God bless them! They have such an important job.

A Prayer for the Teacher

Lord, thank you for teachers and for all the important work they do. I pray You will make them:

Tenacious

Help our teachers to hold fast to what is right without wavering, stand boldly upon the truth without backing down, & diligently teach the kids in their class to cherish wisdom & understanding. (Hebrews 10:23; 2 Timothy 1:7; Deuteronomy 6:7; Proverbs 19:8)

Energetic

Strengthen and empower our teachers to go above & beyond what their jobs require. Renew their energy. Build their endurance. Equip them for every good work. Guard them against weariness. (Colossians 1:11; Isaiah 40:31; 2 Timothy 3:17; Galatians 6:9)

Attentive

Keep their eyes & ears open to all that is going on with their students. Give them an extra measure of wisdom & discernment. May they consistently praise good behavior & subdue potential problems. (Matthew 13:16; Proverbs 14:33; 1 Peter 2:14)

Creative

Bless our teachers with sharp, creative, resourceful minds. Supply every need and help them make wise, efficient, & productive use of all the time, talents, gifts, & resources You’ve entrusted to them. (Jeremiah 17:10; Philippians 4:19; Matthew 25:20-21)

Humble

Cultivate in their hearts a spirit of sincere humility. Guard them against pride and arrogance, Help them resist any urge to answer students with impatience, condescension, or biting sarcasm. (Ephesians 4:2; Proverbs 8:13; Colossians 3:12; James 4:6-7)

Encouraging

Help our teachers find effective ways to encourage their students, to build them up, to spur them on to love and good deeds, and to motivate & inspire them to put forth their best effort. (1 Thessalonians 5:11; Philippians 3:13-14; Hebrews 10:24; Hebrews 12:1)

Respected

Show our teachers the inestimable value of a good name. May they live lives of integrity—both in and out of the classroom—and enjoy the respect of their students & colleagues as a result. (Proverbs 22:1; Proverbs 11:3; James 3:1; Romans 13:7)

This prayer guide is part of my all new Back-to-School Survival Guide

The post A Prayer for Teachers appeared first on Loving Life at Home.