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EP 57: On Children’s Chores

This week on the Loving Life at Home Podcast, we’re talking all about children’s chores. I’ve been fielding a lot of questions on this topic lately, and I realize I haven’t shared much about how we handle chores at our house, so today is the day! I hope you’ll listen in.

Show NotesVERSES CITED: Proverbs 14:4 – “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.”Galatians 6:9 – “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”Philippians 2:14 – “Do everything without complaining or arguing…”RELATED LINKS:Episode 53 – Microsystems for Organizing Your HomeBedroom Inspection Checklist (let kids know what you mean when you say “clean your room”)Age Appropriate Chores for Children (free printable list available in multiple languages)Teaching Kids to Do Chores Cheerfully (several ideas that have helped our kids over the years)Why the Controversy over Children’s Chores? (readers weigh in on both sides of the debate)Should We Pay our Kids for Doing Chores (and if so, how much?)Super Easy Peanut Butter Cookies (only 3 ingredients–4 if you add chocolate chips)How we assign chores in our familyEpisode transcript

Hello, Friend.

Welcome to episode 57 of Loving Life at Home. This week, we’re talking all about children’s chores.

I’ve been fielding a lot of questions on this topic lately, and I realize I haven’t shared much about how we handle chores at our house, so today is the day!

Kids will be heading back to school soon, or – if you homeschool like I do – perhaps they’ll be gathering for lessons around the kitchen table or hitting the books while lounging on couches and easy chairs in the house or on blankets spread under the trees outside.

Either way, I hope you’ll recognize household chores as a valuable part of their life skills education.

The fact is, few things do more for a child’s sense of confidence and responsibility than learning to do household chores thoroughly, consistently, cheerfully, and without being reminded. Our kids all realize that their contribution to family life is important. They know that we depend on them to help keep our home looking good and running smoothly. And they’ve learned to work hard, usually without complaining. This work ethic will serve them well when they are grown.

For our family, we grouped all chores into one of three categories:

1. Personal Chores

Those are the things the children do each day to keep their personal things in order, like making their beds, straightening their rooms, or folding and putting away their clean laundry.

The children have never gotten paid for doing such things, nor do we give them an allowance. They are simply expected to do them consistently and cheerfully, in gratitude for the privilege of living at home and to make sure it remains a tidy and pleasant place to live.

When the kids were all really young, we’d usually partner a preschooler with an older sibling, who would help make certain the little ones’ beds got made and clothes put away satisfactorily.

And, while we’re on the topic, we made these chores as easy as we could. I already talked about how we dealt with toys in Episode 53 when we discussed microsystems for home management. But I don’t think I addressed bed making at that time.

When our kids were little, we used just a fitted sheet and one top layer – either a quilt or a covered blanket or a comforter. So making the bed only entailed flapping that top layer out over the mattress so that it looked relatively smooth, then placing their pillow at the head of the bed.

It could literally be accomplished in about 20 seconds. So even if they were helping a toddler, both beds would look perfect in no more than a minute.

They like this method so much that most of them have kept that routine even as older teens and adults. In fact, the red cotton quilts my older boys have been sleeping under had gotten so threadbare that I replaced them recently, and when I got online to order new sheets to match, I asked if they wanted top sheets or extra blankets now that they’re older and might find a fully made bed more comfortable, but they all said no. They like the system they’re used to.

So, although I ordered sheet sets than included top sheets, I’m planning to just cut at least one of those up to make extra pillowcases, since those boys take after their Dad and all sleep with three or four pillows every night, and the extra-long twin sheet sets only came with one pillowcase each!

And, when it comes to clothes, I don’t care if they hang them up in closets or fold and put them in drawers, as long as the dirty clothes are deposited in the hamper and the clothes in their rooms are clean, sorted, and out of sight, I don’t try to micromanage how they handle putting clothes away.

In my own closet, all the hangers point the same direction and clothes are all organized by color and style, and in my drawers and my husband’s drawers, we fold and file T-shirts and underwear, rotating them from front to back or left to right as we wear them.

But I quickly realized that any effort I put into organizing most of my children’s clothes in similar fashion was misspent and would be undone in a matter of minutes the first time they changed clothes in the recently restocked closet.

I definitely do have some kids who file their folded clothes and organize everything in rainbow order, but that really has to come from inside. So I don’t try to force it on everyone.

The only thing we are really a little OCD about in terms of family laundry is our stance that we never stash dirty clothes in the laundry room. We bring baskets of dirty laundry one at a time and put them directly into the washer.

If there are more dirty clothes than can fit in one load, we keep the rest outside the door to the laundry room, but never inside. That way, the entire family knows that any clothes you find in the basket inside the laundry room are clean and waiting to be put away.

We recently had to explain this family rule to the grandkids, because I’ve been homeschooling three of them, and they’ll sometimes go running or swimming or take a shower at our house after getting sweaty shooting baskets, and we started finding wet towels in the corner of our laundry room and realized they were changing clothes in there and unwittingly leaving their dirty things behind.

Thankfully they’d dropped them in the corner, but we told them to scoop them up and deposit them in the laundry basket right outside the door instead so they won’t accidentally get mixed in with the clean clothes.

The last thing I’ll say about keeping laundry put away and bedrooms tidy is that I created a little checklist to help my kids know what I mean when I tell them to clean their room. I call it my Bedroom Inspection Chart, and I’ll link a free printable version in today’s shownotes.

But that’s enough about personal chores. The next category of children’s chores is…  

2. Daily Chores

Those are those things that must be done daily or even several times daily—like washing clothes, wiping down counters, sweeping floors, gathering trash, loading the dishwasher, or cooking meals—which benefit the entire family. We do not pay the children to do these chores, either.

Every child from three years-old and up is assigned one daily task to do before or after every meal. And we only rotate these chores annually, so each child will do their assigned chore every day for an entire year. New assignments are made each January according to the child’s maturity and ability.

Younger children get the job of setting the table or sorting clean silverware. Middle kids get to clear the table, load or empty dishwashers, help with meal prep, or gather and take out trash. Older kids get such jobs as sweeping up after meals, wiping down the table tops and counters, or sorting and doing laundry.

The yearly rotation serves several purposes:

It makes it easier to tailor assigned chores to each child’s age and capabilities.It eliminates all arguments along the lines of, “I did that yesterday, it’s your turn today.”It allows the child to become proficient in one area before moving on to another.It ensures that, by the time each child is grown and ready to leave home, he/she will have rotated through and become comfortable doing all tasks associated with keeping house: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

Of course, there are many other options for rotating chore assignments. One reason the yearly shuffle works for us is that we have so many kids, each one could have a single job. In smaller families, each family member will have more to chores to do, though each individual chore should take less time (It’s faster to load three plates, cups, and forks into the dishwasher than 15 of each!)

This system worked for us for more than three decades. Kids stayed on the rotation until they started college – which may account for why so many of ours have started college classes early! They were incentivized by the knowledge they wouldn’t have to load the dishwasher or sweep the floor three times a day once they were spending most of the day on campus!

Of course, now I’m down to just one child – a 14-year-old daughter – who isn’t in college or grown up and moved away from home, so we set aside the yearly rotations about a year ago.

The nice thing is, all our kids are competent and capable of doing all the things that need to be done around the house, and when they’re home, they all pitch in without even being asked. They wash laundry, fold clothes, cook meals (for the whole family), wash dishes, wipe down counters, and all the rest without my even having to ask, other than to provide a little direction when they volunteer, “What can I do to help?”

And when none of them are around? Then there’s not much of a mess to clean up. Abby and I might have two plates and two cups to put in the dishwasher before heading back to our schoolwork. So it’s pretty easy.

And on days that grandkids are here schooling with us, they pitch in with chores as well. Although they’ve devised a new way to determine who does what: usually by playing knock out. The winner gets first choice in deciding which chore to do – and they all get a little exercise in deciding that and some sportsmanship practice, as well.

So, we’ve discussed personal chores and daily chores, all of which are done without compensation, other than the knowledge and satisfaction that you are doing your share to keep the family home running smoothly as a needed and valued member of the household. And of course gaining skills you’ll need to oversee your own home someday and make it a clean, warm, and inviting place to be, as well.

Then the last category of chores our children do are

3. Paid Chores

These are those bigger tasks that we normally do less frequently. Things that we might hire somebody else to do, like deep cleaning the house or mowing the lawn.

We do some of these paid chores once every week or two, like dusting furniture, mopping floors, scrubbing bathrooms, washing windows, or mowing the lawn.

Others are seasonal, like pruning trees, weeding or mulching flowerbeds, splitting wood, hanging outdoor lights on the house at Christmas time.

These are big jobs historically done by our older children. They do great work. We pay them for it and pay them well, knowing that the more they earn, the more they save for college, since they’re only allowed to spend half of what they earn.

The rest is split between savings (40%) and giving (10%), either to the church or missions or some other charitable cause of their own choosing. (That prepares them for the real world, where a big portion of their paycheck will go to pay taxes and social security and such.)

For younger kids who were interested in earning money, I’d find other jobs that needed to be done less frequently, such as cleaning baseboards, raking leaves, or washing cars.

If you need more ideas for the kinds of chores kids can do, I made a pretty little free printable chart I made several years back, which I entitled: Age-Appropriate Chores for Children. I’ll link it in today’s shownotes.

It was so popular when I first published it that our website broke from all the traffic it generated. A Montessori Facebook pages reposted it, and a couple of major newspapers referenced it as well in articles or editorials – I don’t remember for sure which ones… I’m thinking it was the NY Times and the Huffington Post or maybe USA today – but it caused our traffic to spike, sending us well over 100-150 thousand visitors in a matter of hours after each article was posted.

That’s despite the fact most of those mentions didn’t even link to our website. I’m assuming readers just saw the URL I embedded in the printable and looked us up that way.

It gained traction in other countries, as well, and was even translated into Spanish, German, French, and Italians. (You can download copies of those translations, as well, through that link I’ll put in the shownotes)

Of course as is the case with anything that attracts a lot attention, people were very polarized in their reaction to my little children’s chore chart. Some people thought it was terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad that I expected my kids to make their beds, tidy their rooms, and clear their dishes from the dinner table – and they told me so in no uncertain terms.

Children’s chores were tantamount to slavery in their minds. “Making your children into your personal slaves does not make them better people or more productive humans.” One reader wrote. Another suggested, ““This list is a bit overboard. Try birth control.”

I suspect some of the objections I received may have come from kids rather than adults — maybe even kids who didn’t like the fact their parents had printed off my list and were now requiring them to pitch in.

A boy named Alexander got right to the point: “This list is bull crap.” He told me.

I conceded that he might be right, but — as every good gardener knows —cow manure is just the thing for helping young plants grow big and strong. And doing regular chores has the same effect on children.

Several readers told me I was stealing my children’s childhoods by making them do chores, and one even suggested the only reason I had so many kids is so I’d have that much more free labor – which is so laughable, I can only guess the person who made the accusation has absolutely no appreciation for the law of cause and effect (and probably has no children either). Because if my highest goal really were to just sit around with my feet up all day long, then giving birth to twelve babies and spending more eighteen years housing, clothing, teaching, and training each of them would be a wildly inefficient way to accomplish that dream!

FORTUNATELY, those negative comments were in the minority. I had lots of readers who thought my children’s chore list was the best thing since sliced bread. “That’s what’s wrong with today’s youth!” they insisted, “they aren’t required to do any meaningful work.”

Many parents understand instinctively that doing chores is good for children and for the family as a whole. We do our kids no favors by attending to all the chores oirselves while our children play. Chores teach life skills, build confidence, contribute to family living, and prepare kids for eventual independence.

Plus, when a child gains competence and experience in one area, it often improves his performance and willingness to try in other areas. These are all good things, and several readers noted even more positive effects of incorporating our children’s help with household duties, including the fact that chores

Chores give kids a sense of belonging and of being part of a team.Chores teach responsibility, independence, and time management skills.”Chores give children “the joy of doing a good job and of helping others and making the world a better place.”Chores combat “laziness, self-centeredness,” and “feelings of entitlement.”Chores “turn children into good, productive, hard-working citizens.”Chores make kids “feel important in the family structure.”Chores give kids an opportunity to “learn through participation. Children gain confidence by mastering new skills, especially skills they perceive as ‘grown-up.’”Chores give children “hands-on job training for life!”Chores serve to “instill a strong work ethic. Children are more capable than a lot of people think.”

Some readers told me how grateful they were that their own parents taught them the value of hard work, or that they raised their children in a similar way and are so blessed to see their children thriving now as adults.

And that last point is a recurrent theme. When researchers studied highly-successful people, they found that the two things most of them had in common were that they ate meals as a family and were required to do chores while growing up.

I don’t remember where I first saw that research, but I know Harvard has done a similar, 75-year longitudinal study which demonstrated a clear link between doing chores as a child and becoming a happier, more successful adult.

Plus, it’s good for children’s psychological well-being to do meaningful work and to know their help is needed and their contributions are appreciated and they are valued members of the team. And the earlier we start, the better.

So… what was on this polarizing list of children’s chores? I won’t read the entire list, but here’s a sampling to show you what kids are capable of. Naturally, every child is different, and this is not meant to be a benchmark listing or competency test. But all things being considered, the majority of kids – including all twelve of my own—are able to do some very basic things even at very young ages. For instance,

By age 2 or 3, kids can learn to:Put toys in toy boxStack books on shelfThrow trash awayPlace dirty clothes in laundry hamper (preferably just as soon as they pull them off their bodies!)

Often singing a little song will motivate them to pitch in when it’s time to put the toys or books away and tidy the house.

“Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere. Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share.” I think that may have been a Barney song? Remember that purple dinosaur? I never watched Barney, so I’m not sure, but that may be where that song originated.

Another is, “Who can help pick up the toys? I can help! I can help! Who can help pick up the toys? I can be a helper.”

I used to sing that one with my children’s names: Who can help pick up the toys? “Jonathan! Yes he can.” Or “Bethany, yesiree!” Or “David can! He’s the man! Who can help pick up the toys? David is a helper!”

Then, by age 4-5, children can learn to:Feed pets – (especially if you’ll provide a measuring cup for dry food to keep serving size consistent)Make their beds (as we discussed earlier)Sort clean silverware – you can put away the sharp knives yourself and let your little one do the restPrepare simple snacks – like cheese and crackers, rinse and de-stem grapes, peanut butter toast, etc.Kids ages 6-7 can:carry a bag through the house and gather trash from every room. (Not that the trash is scattered, but that you have smaller trash cans throughout the house, near desks and in bedrooms. You know what I mean)they can also learn to Fold towels – teach them how to line up the edges and make a neat stackDust mop floors – attach a telescoping handle so it’s just their sizeEmpty dishwasher – you may want to invest in shatter-proof plates and drinkware, etc.By 8 or 9, kids can:Load dishwasher – rinse dishes first then load from back to frontWash laundry – teach them how to balance the load, add soap, and operate the machineBake cookies – our kids usually start with these 3-ingredient peanut butter cookiesWipe off table – teach them how to do this task without wiping crumbs onto the floorAges 10-11 can:Clean bathrooms – mirrors, counters, sinks, bath tubs, toilets, and floorsVacuum rugs – by this age, kids can push a vacuum over carpets and rugsPrepare simple mealsMow lawn – but only while wearing closed-toe shoes!Ages 12 and up can learn to:Mop the houseTrim the hedges, and with proper instruction,Do simple home repairs like fixing leaky pipes, loose doorknobs, broken hinges, etc.

Now, you need to remember that teaching a child to do any chore will likely take more time than just doing the chore yourself, at least initially. Some kids will need more supervision than others, over a longer period of time, before they can complete the chore up to standard.

Honestly, that’s probably why some parents don’t even bother trying. But the effort is so worth it in the end, so let’s follow Paul’s advice in Galatians 6:9

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

We should also do our best to be an encourager rather than a drill sergeant if we want our kids to do their work heartily and well.

I have some fun and creative suggestions for getting kids to do their chores cheerfully, but I think I’m going to need to save that topic for another podcast. In the meantime, I’ll put a link to a blog post I wrote on the topic in today’s show notes.

The point is, if you want your kids to develop a strong work ethic and learn time management skills and be better prepared for life, then assign regular chores.  Have them make their beds, put away their toys, keep their rooms tidy, clear dinner dishes, and help fold laundry.

Set a good example for them of how to do everything without complaining or arguing, as we’re told in Philippians 2:14 to do. Work alongside them knee to knee and shoulder to shoulder.

And train them to be a team player by doing their assigned chores competently, consistently, and cheerfully. Such traits will lay a foundation for future success, regardless what field of work they ultimately choose.

The post EP 57: On Children’s Chores appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

A Prayer for Teachers

It’s that time of year, when kids are heading back to class or (as has traditionally been the case for my family) hitting the books again at home. I’m all for bathing the new school year in prayer, and toward that end, I’ve published a Back-to-School Prayer to pray over students in the past. But teachers need prayer every bit as much as the pupils under their instruction, so this year, I’m adding A Prayer for Teachers to my collection of free printable prayer guides.

click to download Prayer for Teachers

This guide was easy to write. I just included all the things I’ve prayed for myself as a homeschool mom through the years: that God would help me cling to what is right and good, that He’d strengthen me and keep me alert to the individual needs of my children, that I’d approach their lessons with creativity, humility, and resourcefulness, and that He would enable me to live a life before them that would be consistently worthy of their honor and respect.

I hope you’ll find it helpful in praying for the teachers you know, including those who are instructing your children or grandchildren. God bless them! They have such an important job.

A Prayer for the Teacher

Lord, thank you for teachers and for all the important work they do. I pray You will make them:

Tenacious

Help our teachers to hold fast to what is right without wavering, stand boldly upon the truth without backing down, & diligently teach the kids in their class to cherish wisdom & understanding. (Hebrews 10:23; 2 Timothy 1:7; Deuteronomy 6:7; Proverbs 19:8)

Energetic

Strengthen and empower our teachers to go above & beyond what their jobs require. Renew their energy. Build their endurance. Equip them for every good work. Guard them against weariness. (Colossians 1:11; Isaiah 40:31; 2 Timothy 3:17; Galatians 6:9)

Attentive

Keep their eyes & ears open to all that is going on with their students. Give them an extra measure of wisdom & discernment. May they consistently praise good behavior & subdue potential problems. (Matthew 13:16; Proverbs 14:33; 1 Peter 2:14)

Creative

Bless our teachers with sharp, creative, resourceful minds. Supply every need and help them make wise, efficient, & productive use of all the time, talents, gifts, & resources You’ve entrusted to them. (Jeremiah 17:10; Philippians 4:19; Matthew 25:20-21)

Humble

Cultivate in their hearts a spirit of sincere humility. Guard them against pride and arrogance, Help them resist any urge to answer students with impatience, condescension, or biting sarcasm. (Ephesians 4:2; Proverbs 8:13; Colossians 3:12; James 4:6-7)

Encouraging

Help our teachers find effective ways to encourage their students, to build them up, to spur them on to love and good deeds, and to motivate & inspire them to put forth their best effort. (1 Thessalonians 5:11; Philippians 3:13-14; Hebrews 10:24; Hebrews 12:1)

Respected

Show our teachers the inestimable value of a good name. May they live lives of integrity—both in and out of the classroom—and enjoy the respect of their students & colleagues as a result. (Proverbs 22:1; Proverbs 11:3; James 3:1; Romans 13:7)

This prayer guide is part of my all new Back-to-School Survival Guide

The post A Prayer for Teachers appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 56: How to Apologize

My topic this week is something that is very basic but is also extremely important. The sooner you master it, the sooner you’ll start reaping the benefits in each and every relationship you have. It will improve your interactions with your spouse, your children, your parents, your siblings, your coworkers, your neighbors, cashiers, waiters, customer service reps–the list goes on and on.

What is this vital life skill, you may wonder? It is learning how to give a genuine, heartfelt apology. Listen in for the details on things all good apologies have in common.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Matthew 5:23-25 – “… first be reconciled to your brother…” Proverbs 16:18 – “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”Psalm 101:5 – “…the one with haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not endure.”Ezekiel 36:26 – “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you…”Proverbs 21:4 – “Haughty eyes and a proud heart, the lamp of the wicked, is sin.”James 4:10 – “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”Isaiah 57:15 – “… to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.”Psalm 34:18 – “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit.”1 Peter 5:5 – “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another…”Philippians 2:3-4 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but…”Luke 6:42  – “…first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to…”Luke 19:41 – “When He approached Jerusalem, He saw the city and wept over it…”Luke 13:34 -“…How often I wanted to gather your children together, just as a hen….” Luke 23:34 – “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another….”Colossians 3:12-13 – “…forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone.”Matthew 18:21 – “…shall my brother sin against me and I still forgive him?” Luke 17:4 – “Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day… you must forgive.”Romans 6:6 – “Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? God forbid!”Luke 19:6 – “Zacchaeus quickly climbed down and took Jesus to his house….” Luke 19:8 – “…and if I have cheated anyone, I will repay it fourfold.”James 5:16 – “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another….”RELATED LINKS:Episode 11: How to Forgive Fully and FreelyBad Therapy by Abigail ShrierSTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, printables) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement for you as wife, mother, believer) How to Apologize ProperlyEpisode 57 Transcript

Hello, friend! Welcome to Episode 56 of Loving Life at Home.

My topic this week is something that is very basic but is also extremely important. The sooner you master it, the sooner you’ll start reaping the benefits in each and every relationship you have. It will improve your interactions with your spouse, your children, your parents, your siblings, your coworkers, your neighbors, cashiers, waiters, customer service reps–the list goes on and on.

What is this vital life skill, you may wonder? It is learning how to give a genuine, heartfelt apology.

Sadly, some folks go their entire lives without ever learning how to do this well.

There’s a famous line from a movie that was very popular back in the 70’s when I was growing up. Maybe you’ve heard it. It claimed that [quote] “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Well, that is a bunch of baloney. It’s a horrible belief and is patently untrue! What it should’ve said instead is, “Love means never hesitating to say you’re sorry.”

Because, if you love someone, why on earth would you NOT want to apologize and make things right whenever you’ve said or done something that hurt or offended them?

Jesus points us in this same direction in His Sermon on the Mount. He says,

“Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother [or sister] has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. Come to good terms with your accuser quickly….” (Matthew 5:23-25)

Notice, this is how we should respond, whether the offense was intentional or not.

My kids used to use that excuse when they were little. They’d accidentally knock down the tower their brother was building out of Lincoln Logs or trip their little sister when she was toddling past them in the den, and when I’d tell them to apologize, they’d say,  “but I didn’t do it on PURPOSE.” Or “I didn’t MEAN to do it.” As if the fact the consequences were unintentional somehow absolved them of the need to apologize.

“It doesn’t matter that it was an accident,” I’d tell them. “You can still be sorry – and should say so — for destroying your brother’s hard work or making your little sister fall down.”

So we’ve been practicing the art of making proper and sincere apologies with our kids for years – both by modeling the essential components of a good apology whenever Mom or Dad were the ones needing to ask forgiveness or by walking our kids through the necessary steps when it was their turn.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of folks make it to adulthood without ever learning this important skill. So, in case you want to make sure your kids don’t fall into that category when they grow up, or on the off-chance you’re among those folks yourself, I thought today would be a good time to review the art of apologizing well.

All effective and sincere apologies have certain elements in common.  A good apology actually follows a distinctive pattern, starting with the need to…

1. Humble Yourself before God and man

The Bible makes it clear that pride is an offense and affront to God (and it probably has a similar effect on the person to whom you are apologizing):

Proverbs 16:18 – “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”Psalm 101:5 – “Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, I will put to silence; the one with haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not endure.”Prov 21:4 – “Haughty eyes and a proud heart, the lamp of the wicked, is sin.”

The word translated “lamp” in this verse can also be taken to mean “plow,” so some versions translate this, “Haughty eyes and a proud heart— The fallow [or unplowed] ground of the wicked—are sin.”

Have you ever met folks like that, who don’t ever do any digging in their own heart to uncover the sin that resides there? The fallow, unplowed ground of a hardened heart rarely produces anything good. The weeds of arrogance and pride and conceit are the only things that will grow in such poor, untilled soil.

God wants to uproot all that haughty pride and burrow deep into our hearts, removing the heart of stone and giving us a heart of flesh in its place (as Ezekiel 36:26 tells us) and cultivating there a productive crop of fruit, the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

But that harvest will spring much more quickly from a heart wholly yielded to Him.

James 4:10 – “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”Isaiah 57:15 – “For thus says the high and exalted One Who lives forever, whose name is Holy, “I dwell on a high and holy place, and also with the contrite and lowly of spirit in order to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.”Psalm 34:18 – “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit.”

So humility needs to be our continual posture before God, but it should also characterize our interactions with the people around us. In fact, this is something scripture repeatedly implores us to do:

1 Peter 5:5 – “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”Philippians 2:3-4 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”

And looking out for the interests of others includes offering sincere apologies whenever we’ve said or done something – intentionally or not – to offend them. Which brings me to the second essential component to a proper apology, which is…

2. Own up to your what you said or did wrong

You’ve got to take ownership of your offensive behavior without trying to justify or explain away your words or actions or point fingers at anyone else.

I understand that whatever you’re apologizing for didn’t happen in a vacuum. I know it takes two to argue, and there are two sides to every story, and all that jazz.

I get that.

But your apology is not going to sound very sincere if you use the occasion to blame your behavior on somebody else or lecture them on what they did wrong.

Sadly, we live in a culture where blame is the name of the game. Have you noticed that? Modern therapy would have us believe that it doesn’t matter how egregious a person’s behavior is, the fault always lies with somebody else (and nine times out of ten, it can be pinned on their parents). Rather than taking ownership of their own character flaws and sinful behavior, the people who adhere to this philosophy simply shift the blame elsewhere.

This disturbing trend was detailed in a book I read recently called Bad Therapy by Abigail Shrier. I’ll link that title in today’s show notes. It is an excellent and eye-opening book that I think every parent on the planet needs to read.

But the point is, YOU aren’t going to engage in the blame game when you’re apologizing. You’re going to ignore for the moment the speck in your brother’s eye as you attempt to remove the log from your own. (just as Luke 6:42 commands us to do)

You’re going to focus on what YOU did wrong and leave it up to God’s Holy Spirit to convict them of any part their own words or behavior might have played in the conflict. And, not surprisingly, one of the means He often uses to prick the consciences of our friends and family members is our accepting the guilt for the wrong that we did without trying to rope them in with us.

Then, the next component all good apologies have:

3. Show sincere remorse

Say, “I am so sorry I said _____ or did _______.” This goes far beyond feeling sorry that you got caught. You should genuinely regret having wronged another person in the first place. This kind of remorse goes hand-in-hand with humility.

So don’t try to minimize or sugar-coat your words or actions. Instead, feel the full force of them and repent accordingly.

But, you may say, “What if I’ve humbled myself before God and thoroughly examined my own heart and motives, and I truly believe I didn’t do or say anything to be sorry for? What if I’m 100% in the right and the person I’m trying to reconcile with is the only one with a problem?”

Well, it is rarely the case that every last bit of the blame lies on only one side of the equation, but it does occasionally happen. It happened with Jesus, for sure. He was 100% innocent and yet all sorts of people took offense at Him.

Yet even Jesus expressed genuine and godly sorrow:

In Luke 19:41, He weeps over Jerusalem. In Luke 13:34, He says, “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who have been sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, just as a hen gathers her young under her wings, and you were unwilling!” And in Luke 23:34, Christ prayed even as He was being hung on a cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

So, supposing it’s true and the rift in your relationship is completely the fault of the other party: You can still feel sincere sorrow over the situation and express that sorrow to the other person (without agreeing to false accusations or accepting a twisted version of reality). You can say, for instance:

“I am so sorry there is a rift between us”“I am so sorry we can’t come to an agreement”“What can I do to mend the breach between us?”“Is there anything I can do to help you bury the hatchet and move on?”

You may also want to go back and listen to Episode 11, which I’ll link in the show notes, where we discuss how to fully and freely forgive somebody who has wronged you.

Nevertheless, conflicts are normally not so one-sided. Chances are, you truly did play at least a small PART in the present conflict and can express genuine sorrow for that and use it as a springboard into the fourth component of a proper apology, which is to…

4. Empathize with the person you hurt

Put yourself in their shoes and acknowledge and empathize with the pain your words or actions must have caused. This is part of being compassionate and tender-hearted toward one another, as Ephesians 4:32 tells us to do.

Imagine how it would’ve made you feel for somebody to say or do to you what you said or did to them and express those feelings in words.

Did you, by comment or action, make them feel unappreciated? Disrespected? Used? Unloved? Devalued? Marginalized? Were you looking for laughs at their expense, gossiping behind their back, taking a cheap shot at a known area of insecurity, or being disloyal to them in some other way? Confess it and let them know you understand how hurtful your past conduct must have been to them.

Then the fifth step is to.

5. Accept full responsibility for what you said or did

Admit to the person to whom you are apologizing,  

“I should never have done that. It was wrong of me.”“My comment was completely uncalled for.”“There is no excuse for the way I behaved.”“I was totally out of line.”“There is no justification for my saying such a thing, ever.”

There’s a good chance that the person receiving your apology will be totally taken aback by your frankness long about now. I know that was the case for one of my daughters recently. She has definitely learned how to make a proper apology over the years, and she recently had to put that knowledge to use when apologizing to a co-worker at the hospital where she works as a nurse – which can be a very stressful job, as you might imagine.

After one particularly harrowing shift, my daughter acted uncharacteristically terse while giving report to the nurse who was coming on to relieve her. But the Holy Spirit convicted her while she was trying to finish her charting, and she went back to the other nurse before heading home so that she could apologize for behaving so rudely earlier.

She told the girl she was sorry for having such a bad attitude. She didn’t try to justify her wrong behavior or explain it away or blame it on the difficult patients she’d been caring for all night. Instead, she simply said she’d been wrong to act that way and there was no excuse for that kind of behavior and asked the girl to please forgive her.

The girl smiled really big through the whole spiel, and to this day still smiles anytime she sees my daughter at the hospital. I can almost guarantee you she had never received such an apology from a coworker before.

And my daughter was really embarrassed to have to make such an apology then. In one sense, she didn’t HAVE to apologize. I doubt the coworker expected her to. My daughter’s behavior wasn’t that different from the grumblings and complaints a lot of people indulge in routinely, both in the field of nursing and in just about every other line of work you could name.

But, thankfully, she still has a tender conscience. And she knows when her words and actions grieve the LORD, and is willing to humble herself to make it right when – I started to say “when she slips up” but that’s really a euphemism for what really happened, which is that she willfully sinned. She indulged the flesh by taking her frustration out on a co-worker instead of pouring it out at the foot of the cross like she should’ve done.

Interestingly, though, when you accept full responsibility, like my daughter did in this instance, the other person is far more likely to try and shift part of that responsibility off your shoulders. The nurse my daughter apologized to was so much more understanding and sympathetic than she would’ve been had my daughter tried to justify her actions or blame somebody else for her own poor behavior.

If my husband and I have an argument, and I go to him afterwards and say, “I’m sorry I got so upset. That was wrong. Will you forgive me?” it completely defuses the situation, and he’ll often respond, “Yes, yes, of course. I’m sorry for how I acted, too.

Whereas, if I go in pointing fingers and making accusations and self-righteously saying, “You always” or “I never,” it’s like throwing gasoline on a fire.

So let’s stick with that first tack of accepting full responsibility for our part and then moving on to my next point which is to…

6. Ask for forgiveness

Don’t just stop with, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.” But follow it up with, “Will you please forgive me?”

Colossians 3:12-13 tells us, “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also.”

Do you remember Simon Peter talking to Jesus about this concept of forgiving offenses? He asked Him, “Lord, how many times shall my brother sin against me and I still forgive him? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21)

And Jesus answered, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times. Some translation render that verse seventy-times-seven – that’s a lot of forgiveness!

In Luke 17:4, Jesus says, “Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”

So take note, because when you’re apologizing, you can make it a lot easier on the person you’ve offended to forgive you by adhering to my next tip, which is to…

7. Commit to change

Don’t just say you’re sorry. Truly repent. Do a complete 180. Let them know, “I won’t do it again.” Then follow through with that commitment.

Romans 6:6 reads, “What shall we say, then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? God forbid!”

Just because your brother is obligated by Scripture to forgive you freely as Christ has forgiven him, up to seven times seventy occurrences, don’t persist in wrongdoing but promise to change your ways and mean what you say and commit to doing it.

And in addition to repenting, sometimes it’s necessary to …

8. Make restitution

To the best of your ability, repair whatever damage your words or actions caused.

Remember Zaccheus? “Zaccheus was a wee little man and a wee little man was he! He climbed up in the sycamore tree for the Lord he wanted to see. And as the Savior passed that way, he looked up in the tree, and he said, ‘Zaccheus, you come down! For I’m going to your house today!’”

The full story can be found in Luke 19:1-10. But what the little Sunday school song didn’t tell us was Zaccheus’s response to Jesus’s declaration. Verse 6 tells us Zaccheus welcomed Him joyfully. And verse 8 tells us he told Jesus, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”

He made restitution for the wrong he had done.

And then, the final piece of a good apology is found when you

9. Establish accountability

James 5:16 tells us to “confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.”

If you are serious about repenting of wrong behavior and changing your words and actions going forward, so that seventy-seven apologies a day are no longer necessary, then I would recommend you get a good accountability partner who will be faithful to follow up on the areas you’ve struggled with in the past and make sure you are remaining committed to change.

Be wise in picking such a partner. Choose somebody who is discreet, who will really and truly pray for you, and who won’t be tempted to misuse the information or gossip about whatever struggles you confess.

Ideally, I think a spouse or a parent would be a good choice. If that isn’t possible in your case, look for a wise mentor or a trusted friend you could confide in.

And, of course, root yourself deeply in the Word of God, and keep your own conscience sharp and in good working order by never ignoring the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

So, what makes a good apology?

Humility, admission of guilt, sincere remorse, empathy, taking full responsibility, forgiveness, repentance, restitution, and accountability.

I hope all these tips will help you next time you find it necessary to offer an apology. The more faithfully you are to follow this pattern, the fewer and farther between the occasions that merit such apologies will hopefully become.

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.

The post EP 56: How to Apologize appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 55: Smoothing Your Child’s Passage to Adulthood

The end goal of parenting is not to raise children, but adults. From the moment we bring Baby home from the hospital, we should begin working ourself out of a job: teaching him to do things himself, encouraging him as he passes each new milestone, cheering him on each step of the way until–in what may eventually feel like the blink of an eye–he is on the edge of the nest, ready to test his wings and FLY.

When that day comes, will your child be ready? Will YOU? I don’t have any formulas that can guarantee a successful launch, but I do have a few tips for smoothing your child’s passage to adulthood, which we are discussing today on Episode 55 of the Loving Life at Home podcast. I hope you’ll listen in!

Show NotesVERSES CITED:1 Corinthians 14:20 – “Be innocent as babies when it comes to evil, but be mature in….”1 Corinthians 15:19 – “If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are… to be pitied.”Proverbs 10:19 – “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable….”James 1:19 – “… now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”Colossians 4:6 – “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt….”1 Corinthians 11:1 – “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” Philippians 2:5 – “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus….”Luke 17:1-3 – “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks will come, but woe to the one….”Deuteronomy 11:18-22 – “Ye shall lay up these My words in your heart and in….”Ephesians 2:4-5 – “But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love….”2 Corinthians 7:10 – “For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads….”Ephesians 2:8-9 – “For by grace you have been saved through faith….”Philippians 1:6 – “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you….”Philippians 4:19 – “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches….”RELATED LINKS:Age-Appropriate Children’s Chores – free printable31 Bible Verses to Pray over Your Children – another free printableThe Empty Pot – children’s picture book by DemiFive Solas of the Reformation – free calligraphy coloring page “He Who Began a Good Work in You” – Steve Green SongSTAY CONNECTED: Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, printables!) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement in your roles as wife, mother, believer)Smoothing Your Child’s Passage to AdulthoodEpisode 55 transcript

Hello, Friend. Welcome to Episode 55 of Loving Life at Home. Today we’re talking about something every parent will have to do sooner or later, and that is letting go of your children.

I say this as a mother of one daughter who is flying to the Middle East tomorrow to do some medical relief work for the next three months, and another daughter who will be leaving two weeks later to serve as an au pair in Europe for a year, and a son who will be moving his family to an Army base in South Korea just a few weeks after that.

We enjoyed having everybody in Texas while it lasted, but now God is dispersing a quarter of our children abroad, and we are having to make peace with the fact we won’t get to see them face-to-face and hug their necks and hear all their animated, in-person stories for a good long while.

But whether your child is boarding a plane for the other side of the world or moving to a dorm room across town or walking down the aisle to establish a family unit of their own, the fact remains that a smooth transition into adulthood is something every parent should want for their child and should also be intentionally working toward.

But how can we do that? And when do we start?

I don’t have any foolproof formulas for you, but I can offer a few general principles that may help, starting with the need to…

Equip your children for life

Naturally, this includes academics. Your kids need to know how to read and write and do math. But it goes far beyond school lessons – and it starts even earlier than formal academic instruction needs to begin.

Equipping your kids for life means doing everything in your power to teach them things like

gratitudegood mannerskindnesscompassion, andthoughtfulness toward others.

We also want to cultivate a strong work ethic in our children and teach basic homemaking skills like

cookinggardeningwashing dishesdoing laundrykeeping your room tidymaking your bedtaking good care of your clothes, toys, and other belongings, andcleaning up your own messes

If you need extra help or inspiration in this area, I have a pretty printable chart of age-appropriate chores for children I will link in today’s show notes.

We also want to instill in our kids diligence, resilience, initiative, and a well-developed sense of honesty and integrity.

Lots and Lots of prayers are in order here. I have some printables for that, too, I can include in the show notes, including 31 scriptures to pray over your children – a different verse for every day of the month.

In addition to prayer and Bible reading, I think well-chosen stories can also play a role in helping our children develop some of these important traits and character qualities. Great books made my kids WANT to be…

faithful like Horton the elephantclever like Charlottediligent like Billy Colemanresourceful like the Swiss family Robinsonbrave & true like Samwise Gamgee, andsteadfast in their integrity like Atticus Finch

One of my daughters was reading a story to her nephew yesterday called The Empty Pot. It’s a sweet little picture book by Demi about a boy named Ping who loved flowers and had a knack for growing them. When it came time for the emperor to choose an heir, he gave every child in the kingdom a special flower seed and promised that, in a year’s time, whichever child could show him their best work would succeed him on the throne.

Unfortunately, no matter how tenderly Ping planted and watered and fertilized that tiny seed, he couldn’t get it to grow. He tried everything he could think of to help it germinate, but nothing worked. So a year later, when all the other children were bringing their gorgeous blooms and beautiful blossoms to the palace to be inspected, Ping came in with nothing but an empty pot to show for all his effort.

Yet, when the emperor examined at all those thriving plants the other children had grown, he somehow looked disappointed. When at last he came to Ping, he smiled while questioning him: “Why would you bring me an empty pot?” the emperor wanted to know.

So Ping explained that all the methods that had served him so well before failed to produce anything in the special seed the emperor had given him.

If you don’t want me to spoil the end of the book for you or any kids that may be listening, you’d better turn down the volume or skip ahead 30 seconds, because I’m about to spill the beans.

Can you guess what the actual test was? All those special flower seeds the children had been a year earlier—the emperor had cooked them before passing them out. So really, none of them should’ve grown.

The fact that only one pot was empty indicates the rest of the children (or possibly their parents who were overly eager to help their progeny make a good impression) lacked the integrity Ping displayed. And, as a result, they were automatically disqualified in the contest for the crown.

The boy with the empty pot, who was honest enough to admit his failure, is the one the wise emperor chose to succeed him.

Now can you see how simple stories can drive home vital truths like the importance of honesty and integrity and of doing your best, even if you don’t get the results you hoped for?

Which brings me to my second point, which is…

Encourage your kids to try

You can offer advice or general guidance, but please don’t do the homework assignment or finish the science fair project or write the term paper FOR your child. The process in all these cases is far more valuable to learning than the finished product or final grade.

So let your kids do the work themselves and learn from their own mistakes. Don’t deprive them of the opportunity to fail.

I participated in an Easter bonnet contest in second grade for which I won first place. I used a peck-measure wooden bucket inverted on my head, tied a bow to the handle that hung beneath my chin, covered the sides with construction paper flowers, and glued a tuft of Easter grass and three plastic eggs to the crown.

While all the other little girls in my classroom looked like they could’ve all been in the same wedding, with floppy straw hats in every pastel shade imaginable, adorned with beautiful ribbons and silk flowers, it was 100% obvious my hat was made by a second grader using whatever random materials were readily available. The vice-principal who served as contest judge knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I’d crafted my bonnet without the help or input of my mother.

But, back to the point: Encourage your kids to try and remember the process is as important (if not  more so) as the result of the attempt.

 Our goal should be to raise responsible, reasonable, right-thinking adults. Instead of continuing to slave away on behalf of our children, cooking all their meals, washing their clothes, cleaning up their messes, choosing their pastimes, fighting their battles, we need to be intentional about working ourselves out of a job. 

The so-called helicopter parent fears for her children’s safety, so she coddles and cushions and cloisters them. Protects them from harm. Guards their tender feelings. Eliminates every hardship. Gives them a sanitized, carefree, picture-perfect childhood. 

Unfortunately, when we do everything for our kids, they learn to do nothing for themselves. Then, when it comes time to launch those arrows out into the wide world to make their own mark on society, by God’s grace and (hopefully) for His glory, they’re nowhere near ready. 

And neither are we.

We mamas may think we’re being loving by doing so much for our children, but what we’re really doing is stunting their growth. We’re robbing them of the opportunity to learn and explore and discover. We’re denying them the chance to exercise independence and make mistakes while they’re still at home and the stakes are low. 

In our all-consuming commitment to keep our kids from tripping up, making mistakes, or falling flat on their face, we’re also keeping them from getting back up, dusting themselves off, and trying again. We’re stealing the grit they might’ve developed if we weren’t so intent on being perfect parents to perfect children.

The good news for me is that raising twelve children has summarily erased ANY illusions of perfection (in either myself OR my offspring) I might’ve otherwise entertained. And my being mother to so many has been great for my kids, as well, because they’ve HAD to learn to do things for themselves, since there’s no possible way I could do everything for everyone. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day for that level of micromanagement!

Expect your kids’ questions

Be patient with your children’s earnest inquiries.

Of course, we need discernment in this department too. I realize kids can sometimes use deep, involved questions as a ploy to delay going to bed or doing chores of working on school lessons or obeying Mommy and Daddy. And in such situations, it may be appropriate to delay answering said questions until the chores and homework assignment or other parental request has been completed.

But don’t dismiss them entirely. Circle back as soon as you can to provide clear answers and an opportunity for discussion. My mother had a good rule of thumb: She always said that, if my sister or I were old enough to ask a question, we were old enough get an answer.

I might add “get a straight-forward but age-appropriate answer” (which is definitely what my mom did in practice, although she didn’t add any such qualifiers to the adage). But I think it is necessary to make that distinction these days, since we live in the Internet age and today’s kids are exposed to so much more that I could’ve ever even imagined as a child.

I don’t think parents need to go into minute detail about everything a young child asks, especially when doing so would corrupt their innocence or cause them undo anxiety.

1 Corinthians 14:20 tells us to be as “innocent as babies when it comes to evil” but to be fully mature in the way we think and reason.

So, for instance, in the case of war or riots or natural catastrophes, you might explain in broad terms to a young child who asks that there was an earthquake or a tornado or flood or protests or fighting going on and that we need to pray for the people who’ve lost their homes or were injured.

But you don’t need to show them disturbing images or videos of all the devastation or cite death counts and casualty statistics associated with the event.

However, the questions young children ask about everything under the sun are only one aspect of what I’m touching on in this point. Your willingness to welcome and patiently address your children’s questions when they are little, and your tendency to ask a lot of questions in return, as a way to draw your children out and gain a clearer understanding of how they think, will lay a solid foundation for good communication going forward.

Your kids will likely have a lot of questions as they transition from adolescence to adulthood. And if you’d like them to continue to seek your input as they wrestle through doubts and reservations when they arise, then you’ve got to (1) make room for their questions, and (2) be able to discuss them honestly without getting defensive.

Because asking questions, weighing alternatives, thinking things through, and deciding whether to make their parents’ faith their own (or not) is a natural – and maybe even an essential — part of growing up. Was it Socrates who said, “The unexamined life is not worth living?” I think that is true of belief systems, as well.

If your faith cannot withstand honest and sincere questions, then it is not worth having, either.

Or as Paul put it in 1 Corinthians 15:19, “If [it is] only for this life [that] we have hope in Christ, [then] we are of all people most to be pitied.”

Then he goes on to explain why he believes putting our faith in Jesus is a smart move not only for our time on earth but for all eternity.

I think every one of my kids have had to muddle their way through a period of doubts  and questioning on their way to adulthood. Some of these periods of wavering uncertainty were more prolonged than others, but if the Bible is true – and I believe it is – then it can easily withstand such scrutiny.

And it has. Every one of our kids (so far) has come to the other side of that period of questioning with a faith that is stronger and more resilient than when they entered it.

So, welcome your children’s questions. Obviously, we would prefer that they ask them in a respectful tone rather than in a mocking or derisive way, but we never forbid the questions or try to shut them down without discussion.

If  you want your children to feel comfortable asking you for input or advice, coming to you with their questions, discussing with you their doubts, sharing with you their hopes and fears, confessing to you their struggles, praying with you for wisdom and direction—then you’ll need to train yourself to give a calm, collected, measured response when the time comes instead of blowing up, breaking down, or behaving in some other quick-tempered or reactionary way.

 Of course, all kids are different, and there’s no way to guarantee you’ll be the person your child seeks out when they’re wrestling through issues, but you can increase the likelihood of it happening by praying toward that end, by remaining available and approachable, and by training yourself to dial back the tendency to react in favor of providing unruffled, loving, Biblically-informed responses. 

As a Bible-believing mama, that is my goal. I know that “when there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” (Proverbs 10:19 NASB) I want to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19 NIV) I deeply desire my words to “be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that [I] may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:6 NIV) And I understand the importance of rooting out and putting to death every stubborn remnant of pride in my own heart, because my children will not be well-served if my primary concern in times of crisis is “What will people think?” instead of doing everything in my power to point them to Jesus and to encourage their right relationship with Him.

Which brings us to my fourth point…

Exhort your kids to follow Christ

Paul wrote to the first century church in 1 Corinthians 11:1, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” Some translations render it, “Imitate me, as I also imitate Christ.”

Hopefully, as mamas, we can say the same thing, because our children –especially the young ones—often do mimic our attitudes and actions. How wonderful would it be to be so aligned with Jesus, to have in you the mind that was also in Christ (as Philippians 2 tells us to do) that we could be confident our children were imitating Christ as they imitated us?

That is my heart’s deepest desire: to point my children to Jesus, to implore them to follow hard after Him, and to accurately reflect Christ’s character in my interactions (really, with everyone, but especially) with my children who spend so much time with me day after day after day for years on end.

That’s why I routinely pray that God will draw them to Himself and keep them on the straight and narrow path and not allow me to be a stumbling block to my children in any way.

For Jesus Himself warns us in Luke 17:1-3, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks will come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him to have a millstone hung around his neck and to be thrown into the sea than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.  Watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.”

I think it is important for us as parents to recognize our responsibility before the LORD to train up our children in His ways, teaching them His Word as we sit in our house, as we walk in the way, as we lie down, and as we rise up, just as Deuteronomy 11:18-22 commands us to do.

But it is equally important to understand that while we can point our kids to Jesus, we can’t coerce them into trusting Him for salvation. We can read them the Bible, but we can’t make them believe it. We can tell them about God, but we can’t conjure faith in their hearts by our own strength or through our human effort. God, as they say, doesn’t have grandchildren. Each new generation must trust in Him for themselves. Neither Mom nor Dad can do it for them.

We can pray for our children, to be sure, but only God can change their hearts, draw them to Himself, convict them of sin, and give them the power to repent and the grace to believe.

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our wrongdoings, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)” – Ephesians 2:4-5“For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.” – 2 Corinthians 7:10“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” – Ephesians 2:8-9

Did you catch that last phrase? Salvation is “not the result of works?” It’s not the result of your child’s works, and neither is it the result of your works on his behalf. Rather, as the reformers wrote in the Five Solas, “it is by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone according to scripture alone for the glory of God alone.”

Isn’t that a glorious thought? I have a beautiful calligraphy rendering of those words, which I’ll link in today’s show notes if your interested.

So, we can’t do the work of salvation in our children’s hearts, only God can.

And if He does that? If God begins that good work, we know He will be faithful to complete it, as His Word promises in Philippians 1:6.

Wasn’t that a Steve Green song? I think so. I’ll see if I can look it up and link it in the show notes.

The point is, we can also trust the God who saves our kids to be the God who leads them as well. When they were little, God’s leading of our children was largely done through parental influence. As long as they were minors, they were our responsibility and we made most of the decisions as to where they went and what they did, as well as how, when, and with whom.

But the day will come when our children will be directly responsible to God for following His lead. And it will still be our job to encourage them to follow God’s lead, even if doing so means they’ll move far away from home. Even if it means they might be walking into harm’s way. Even if it means we won’t get to see them –or our sweet little grandkids—for months or years at a time.

And that brings us to my last tip, which is to

Entrust your kids to God

I really should’ve started with this one, because the faster you realize how much of successfully raising a child to adulthood is totally and completely out of your control, and the sooner you recognize how utterly dependent you and your entire family are upon the sustaining grace and protective mercy of God, the better it will be for everyone involved.

Ultimately, everything your child needs most comes directly from God (including wise, loving parents and a safe, stable home). So go directly to God in prayer and ask Him to supply all those needs, for both your children and yourself. God is the only One who can give you the wisdom and love and patience and perseverance and grit  you need to parent well.

And He’s also the only One who can keep your child safe and protect Him from harm. We do our part while they’re young and still in our home, but even then, God is ultimately the One we must trust to bless our own efforts to protect and make them fruitful and effective.

So go directly to the Source and entrust your children to God’s care from Day 1. He has been so kind to teach me the importance of this practice early.  All it takes is a near miss or two to drive home the realization that God alone can foresee every danger and keep our kids safe in a world chockfull and overflowing with hazards.

Despite my best efforts to protect my children, they’ve still fallen down whole flights of stairs, out of trees, though open windows, off diving boards, and into campfires; they’ve broken arms and legs and fingers and collar bones; needed stitches on heads, hands, feet, legs, and chest, gotten lost or left behind or sick enough we thought they might die, almost electrocuted themselves by sliding copper pennies behind covered outlets during naptime, nearly been abducted by a creepy predator while riding their bikes. As you might imagine, having raised twelve children, eight of whom were boys, I could go on and on an on!

But I won’t.

I’ll only say that my sons, especially, taught me early what had been true all along: that God can do a far better job of watching over them than I could ever hope to do (although I still try, because parents definitely play an important part in God’s strategy for keeping kids safe, and I’m not suggesting we abdicate our responsibility—only that we rightly understand the scope of our ability to protect our kids, which is minimal apart from God’s blessing and augmenting our efforts).

So why not cut to the chase and entrust our children to God from the first.

I have a dear friend whose youngest daughter developed some respiratory problems in infancy. It was serious enough that the baby had to be care-flighted to Children’s Medical Center in Dallas, and as my friend rode in that helicopter, feeling completely helpless to save her child, she did a lot of praying and soul-searching and wrestling with God.

It felt to her almost as if He were questioning her, “Do you believe I am good?” And she kept praying in response, “Yes, Lord, I know you are good.”

Then she’d feel the LORD prompt her again, “But what if I take your baby? Will you still believe I’m good.” And, as every mother knows, THAT is not at all the outcome she was hoping and pleading for, but she had to come to the place where she could answer, “Yes, LORD. Even if my baby dies, I will still believe and affirm Your goodness.”

It was really an Abraham moment for my friend, but she passed the test and – thankfully – her baby did recover and has grown into a beautiful young girl now, so loving and sweet and kind, a real balm to her mother’s heart – but in the bay of that helicopter as her baby lay in critical condition, she had no idea whether her daughter would even make it to Dallas, much less still be alive and thriving a decade later.

As hard as it is in the moment, I think those near-miss trials and forced acknowledgement of God’s sovereignty over our lives and the lives of our children makes it easier to weather the years to come and whatever hardships they bring.

Even if the only hardship we face is learning to let go when your fledgling flaps her wings and flies far from the nest.

I’m amazed at how many moms assume I must be riddled with anxiety over my daughter moving to the middle east. It’s not that I don’t understand the dangers she may face. I do. But I’m also confident that God has called her there for such a time as this and is fully capable of keeping her safe.

I think moms should view an adult child’s launch day as a final exam that reveals how completely we’ve entrusted that child to God.  Hint: If we toss and turn in bed all night, fretting over the what ifs and wherefores, it’s a sure sign we failed the test and have some remedial learning to do!

Thankfully, if we’ll just anticipate that departure day arriving much sooner than we ever imagined possible, we can take the necessary steps to prepare both our children and our own hearts for a successful transition. Otherwise, their young adulthood will sneak up and catch us by surprise. 

A colleague of my husband’s once confided in him, “My son is leaving for college tomorrow. What do I need to say to him before he goes?” I received a similar question from a reader who was desperate to know (no later than 2 PM today!) what she should write in a yearbook tribute for her graduating daughter.

Now, I understand that parting words and parental blessings are important, but for them to carry the gravitas or weight that we desire, they really need to be laid atop a lifetime of good communication and faithful teaching of biblical truth as we sit, walk, lie down, and rise up. Apart from that solid foundation, any words of wisdom we utter as our grown children walk out the door will have little lasting impact. 

In that sense, the exact wording of what you say when your kid crosses over the threshold to adulthood doesn’t really matter. Either you’ve been repeating the most important messages all along, in which case one more reiteration is unnecessary—your child already knows—or you’ve squandered the opportunity to speak life to your children during their formative years, and you couldn’t possibly pack everything they need to hear into a few hurried sentences whispered in their ear as you launch them into the world.

So if your kids are still young, do yourself a favor. Take the pressure off graduation speeches, college goodbyes, and wedding toasts by thinking through what deep inner convictions you want your children to carry with them when they eventually leave home, then start instilling them now. This is one instance where teaching to the test is entirely appropriate and highly recommended. 

Alternatively, if all your birdies have already flown the coop, make a list of the things you wish you’d communicated more clearly while they were at home, then repeat them to your adult children every chance you get, praying they’ll take those truths to heart. Thankfully, we serve a gracious God who is good about granting second chances.

Summing up, if your children are still at home and you want to make the goodbyes easier when it comes time to launch them out into the world, start now: Equip your kids for life, encourage them to give their best effort, expect (and being willing to discuss) their earnest questions, exhort them in their walk with God, and entrust them entirely to His care.

I hope these principles will help smooth the transition from infancy to adulthood – which happens so much faster than you expect! – for both you and your rapidly maturing kiddos.

The post EP 55: Smoothing Your Child’s Passage to Adulthood appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 54: How to Cultivate a Thriving Marriage

With the record rains we’ve been getting in East Texas this summer, our garden is thriving far better than we dreamed. Usually by August, many of our veggies and annuals have given up the ghost. If you think about it, marriage is a lot like gardening — both need a lot of tending if we want them to do well. So on this week’s podcast, we’re discussing how to cultivate a thriving marriage.

The material for this episode was taken from a blog post I wrote over eight years ago (an updated version of which you can read below today’s show notes), but the principles remain the same. So listen in. These six essentials can take your marriage from good to great, or from barely surviving to thriving better than you ever dreamed possible.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Psalm 139:23-24 – ““Search me, O God, and know my heart…”Hosea 10:12 – “Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love…”Jeremiah 4:3 – “Plow up the hard ground of your hearts! Do not waste your….”Galatians 6:7 – “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatever a man sows….”Matthew 7:16-18 – ““By their fruit you will recognize them. Are grapes gathered…”John 4:14 – “But whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed….”John 7:37-38 – “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink.  Whoever….”Hebrews 12:15 – “See to it that… no bitter root grows up….”James 1:21 – “…receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.”John 15:4-17 – “Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. Just as no branch can…” Proverbs 17:22 – “A merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit….”RELATED LINKS: 31 Scriptures to Pray over Your SpouseSt. Fransis of Assisi’s prayerLove Your Husband/ Love Yourself 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband 25 Ways to Show Love to Your WifeTerra Cotta Ollas My Backyard MuralSTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, printables) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement for you as wife, mother, believer)

I just love this time of year. I love the bright blossoms and the emerging bulbs and the grass that grows greener every day. I love looking through flower catalogues and landscaping magazines and pinning ideas to my “Outdoor Living” Pinterest board. I love spring!

I well remember my first foray into home gardening. I poured over a Breck’s wholesale catalogue for days. Inspired by all those beautiful photos of lush gardens, I ordered over two hundred tulip bulbs, then struggled to bury them at the requisite seven-inch depth in the patch of hard, black clay that constituted our “flower bed.”

Once they were in the ground, I put my gloves and spade back on the shelf and waited expectantly, envisioning the riot of blooms that would surround my house the following spring. I gave no thought to watering or weeding or fertilizing or nurturing those little bulbs in any way, yet I was totally discouraged and dismayed when only six of the two hundred ever even sprouted.

I think lots of couples face similar disappointments when it comes to cultivating a beautiful marriage relationship. They’ve seen the movies and read the books and heard all the “happily ever after” stories, so they buy the rings and go through the ceremony and exchange the vows, fully expecting the same blissful results.

But a beautiful marriage, like a beautiful garden, doesn’t happen on its own. It takes a lot of tender, loving care. It takes work. For a marriage to thrive, you must.

6 Essentials for a Thriving Marriage1. Cultivate the soil

Thorns and thistles may grow in hard, sun-baked clay, but cultivated plants need a little more soil preparation than that. If you want a beautiful flower garden, you must first break up the fallow ground.

Likewise, love will never thrive in hearts that are cold, hard, proud, and impenetrable. For a marriage to flourish, hearts must first be laid bare – open, honest, and vulnerable.The best place to start? With your OWN heart. Don’t go digging around in your husband’s heart trying to break up any clods you find there. Pray for him and leave that cultivation to God. Your own heart may be in need of more work than you realize.

Pray with the Psalmist, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everylasting way.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

Hosea 10:12 tells us, “Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.”

And the last part of Jeremiah 4:3 reads, “Plow up the hard ground of your hearts! Do not waste your good seed among thorns.”

2. Plant Good Seed

But having good soil isn’t enough. We also must plant good seed. If I want to harvest tomatoes, tomatoes are what I’ve got to plant. Same goes for peaches or peppers or periwinkles. We reap what we sow.

Galatians 6:7 spells this out: “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

Jesus put it this way in the Sermon on the Mount: “By their fruit you will recognize them. Are grapes gathered from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles?  Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.  A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.” (Matthew 7:16-18)

This is true in gardening, but it is also true in life, love, and marriage. You are going to reap what you sow in those areas, as well.

If you sow anger and screaming and chaos in the way you relate to your others – including your husband– then anger and screaming and chaos will likely come back to you.  If you’d rather have peace and patience and love, then you’ll need to sow peace and patience and love in all your interactions with those around you, starting at home with your spouse.

3. Water deeply

For flowers to do well, their roots must be healthy and intact. If the roots are shallow or diseased or deprived too long of the water and nutrients essential to survival, the plant will wither and die. The same is true for marriage. A love that is firmly rooted in the Word of God, that drinks deeply and often from the well of Living Water, will be better able to withstand both droughts and storms that come its way.

That’s why Jesus bids us to come to Him and drink: “but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.” (John 4:14)

And again, “On the last and greatest day of the feast, Jesus stood up and called out in a loud voice, ‘If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. Whoever believes in Me, as the Scripture has said: Streams of living water will flow from within him.’ ” (John 7:37-38)

4. Pull the weeds

You can prepare the soil and water well, but unless you stay vigilant, weeds will grow up and choke out more desirable plants in your garden. You must learn how to recognize such threats, watch for them constantly, and deal with them swiftly, before they have a chance to take root and establish themselves. So it is in a marriage. The love, joy, peace, and other good fruits that characterize a happy marriage cannot coexist with bitterness, resentment, arrogance, contempt, or selfishness, so don’t give those weeds a chance to rear their ugly heads. Stomp them out the minute they try to take root in your heart.

Hebrews 12:15 warns us, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

But don’t just stop at pulling weeds. Plant something good in its place, or the foul thing will come right back, even bigger and deeper. That’s why James 1:21 admonishes us to “put aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.”

5. Fertilize as needed

The longer a garden grows, the more depleted the ground becomes of the nutrients the bedding plants need. To keep plants healthy, fertilizer must be used to replace vital nutrients in the soil.

On the same principle, you should feed your marriage by reading books, attending retreats, and/or getting counseling as needed. It is important to maintain a teachable spirit and to never stop growing as a couple. 

Don’t assume because your marriage has been healthy and happy in the past, it will always be so. Keep a close eye on things: watch for signs of stress and address any deficiencies as soon as you are made aware of them.

For Christians, our fertilizer – our nourishment – comes mainly through the Word of God. In John 15:4ff, Jesus explains it like this: “Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit by itself unless it remains in the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me. I am the vine and you are the branches. The one who remains in Me, and I in him, will bear much fruit. For apart from Me you can do nothing….”

Loving one another – including your spouse and children – is God’s command to you. And it’s a command you will only be able to fulfill to the degree than you remain and abide in Christ Jesus and His holy Word.

6. Ensure lots of sunshine

Even with adequate water, good soil, and proper fertilizer, a garden won’t flourish without lots of light. Likewise, a marriage fares better when dispositions are sunny and bright. 

“A merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22) 

A cheerful outlook and a positive attitude goes a long way in nurturing a happy, healthy home, so keep on the sunny side as much as possible!

We get A LOT of sunshine here in Texas where I live, although our part of the state has also gotten an unusual amount of rain this summer! In fact, it’s been raining all day again today. I had to delay taping this episode because it was coming down so hard there for a while, I was afraid it would be picked up by my recording.

The good news is, as a result of all that rain, our vegetables and flowers have been doing AMAZING this year. We’ve harvested more tomatoes and cucumbers than I can count, and all our flowers look vibrant and verdant and full of bright, vivid blooms. I don’t have any of those beautiful impatiens in this house, but we have lots of lilies and cannas and periwinkles and – thanks to some culls I brought home from my mother’s house a couple of weeks ago – some perky Mexican petunias.

Normally everything starts looking brown and crispy by August, after weeks of hot days with little to no precipitation. This is especially the case since the house we’re currently in doesn’t have an automatic sprinkler system. That means, anytime we leave town for an extended road trip in the hottest part of summer, everything usually dies while we are gone.

Fortunately, this year I invested in some ollas (that’s O-L-L-A-S—I’ll link the ones I’m using in today’s show notes) . These are small terra cotta cisterns you bury beside your plants, and the water slowly seeps through the olla’s porous sides. Those smart little devices have kept all my potted plants well-watered, even while we’re traveling.

But the Texas heat and my lack of a sprinkler system motivated me to paint a huge mural on the concrete wall that runs the length of our backyard. (I’ll try to link a few photos in today’s show notes, as well.)  I’ve painted irises, and tulips and hostas and zinias, plus fruit trees and flowerpots and bird houses. That way, I can always have gorgeous blooms, no matter how hot and dry the weather gets.

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The mural looks pretty good at a glance – in fact, just a few weeks ago, we saw a mama and papa cardinal out in our backyard trying to teach their baby bird how to fly, but the poor little thing kept trying to flit up to one of the trees I’d painted and land on a branch, but of course it couldn’t. And the baby bird just kept falling back to the ground.

As I watched that little fledging bird struggle, it made me momentarily regret ever painting that mural to begin with. But he eventually flew high enough to land in one of the real trees hanging over the mural wall, and all was good.

The problem is, there’s no life in the landscape I painted on my mural. It’s just two dimensional. The cute, colorful birdhouses are completely uninhabitable. In the same way, the ornate bird bath and terra cotta pots aren’t useful for anything but just looking pretty.

Unfortunately, some marriages are a little like my garden mural. They look pretty good on the surface, but if you scratch too deep, you’ll quickly realize there’s no substance behind them. 

So when I talk about cultivating a love that will last, I’m not talking about some two-dimensional facsimile of a happy, thriving marriage – I mean the real thing. Not a bunch of pretty pictures posted to your Instagram account.  Not a series of snapshots and status updates you post to Facebook that have no substance to back them up.

I don’t have anything against pretty pictures or status updates, but if that’s all there is, you are really missing out. Growing the real happily-ever-after marriage takes a lot more time and effort than a curating a social media feed.

It takes years of discipline and commitment and sticking together (even through the not-so-happily-ever-after parts). Years of love and patience and forgiveness and working as a team. Years of blood, sweat, and tears, and getting your hands dirty, sometimes up to the elbows.

Once I finally accepted the fact that great landscaping takes a lot of hard work, I was not only able keep the little patch of flowers outside the front door of our first house alive, but eventually planted and (with much help from husband and children) maintained nearly two acres of beautiful woodland gardens that are absolutely breathtaking when they’re in full bloom. If I’d thrown in the towel when my first attempts failed, I would have missed out on all the pleasure and satisfaction that gardening success brings.

Likewise, if I’d bailed on my marriage during initial hardships, when tempers flared or days were long or the way grew weary, I would have missed out on all the wonderfully happy years that have followed.

So try it yourself. Prepare the soil. Plant good seed. Water abundantly. Pull the weeds. Fertilize properly and get plenty of sunshine.

Put these 6 Essentials for a Thriving Marriage to work today, and see what kind of results await you. I know from experience that a marriage will produce strikingly beautiful and fragrant blooms when properly nurtured with lots of tender, patient, and loving care.

More Biblically Sound Marriage Tips

If you enjoyed these 5 Essentials to a Thriving Marriage, you’re going to love my book Love Your Husband, Love Yourself. It takes a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design. The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage!

The post EP 54: How to Cultivate a Thriving Marriage appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 53: Microsystems for Home Management

On Episode 53 of Loving Life at Home, I’m tackling another question from what may arguably be my most faithful listener of all time, who also happens to be my daughter-in-law, Rebekah Joy. She asked me to cover some of the microsystems for managing our home that my husband and I put in place to keep everything running smoothly.

Once she explained the kind of microsystems she was talking about (including several her husband/our son implemented in their home with great success) I began compiling a list and realized there are probably too many to cover in one podcast. So this week, we’ll discuss microsystems that are aimed at maintaining order in the home, then I’ll eventually do a podcast on various microsystems we’ve put in place for maintaining relationships: nurturing our marriage, raising our children, celebrating holidays, homeschooling, forging friendships, etc.

To read the full transcript of this week’s podcast, simply scroll past the show notes below.

Show NotesVERSES CITED: 

Titus 2:3-5 – “The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”

RELATED POSTS:Tips for Organizing Your GarageTaming the Toy BoxTips for Keeping Kids’ Rooms CleanFree Bedroom Inspection ChecklistHow to Organize Your Kitchen for EfficiencySit Down & Eat: Fun Ideas for Making Mealtimes MemorableSTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies (weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, printables) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouraging you as a wife, mother, believer) Microsystems for Home ManagementFULL TRANscript for episode 53

Are you looking for ways to strengthen your marriage? Would you like to raise children you enjoy being around? Do you long for a peaceful, orderly home that’s a blessing to everyone who comes through its doors?

Then you’ve come to the right place. I’m Jennifer Flanders, a Bible-believing, homeschooling mother to 12, and host of the Loving Life at Home podcast. Join me as we discover what God’s Word has to say about marriage, motherhood, and minding the things that matter most.

Hello, friend! Welcome to episode 53 of Loving Life at Home. I’m tackling another question from a listener today, a listener who also happens to be my daughter-in-law and is probably the most faithful listener I have, with the possible exception of my own mother. But such as it may be, Rebecca Joy asked if I would cover some of the microsystems that my husband and I have set up over the years to keep our home and family schedules running smoothly.

She noted that her husband, my son Samuel, brought a lot of these methods into their marriage, and she marvels at how helpful they’ve been. So she was intrigued to learn more and also hopefully to discover how many of the micro-systems he set up in their house are the product of his own problem-solving mind and how many he has just inherited from his parents.

I think that’s a very valid question and it certainly falls within the scope of my Titus 2 goals of teaching younger women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be keepers at home.

And so I can’t promise you that the list of microsystems I’m sharing today will be complete. That’s the funny thing about building helpful habits into your home life. They eventually become so second nature that you don’t even think about the fact that you’re doing them. But I’ll try to hit on as many as I can remember that deal with homemaking and I’ve grouped them into categories to add a little structure to the few that I could identify.

So let’s tackle home organization today, starting with the area that so many of us encounter first when we step into the house, and that’s the garage. Although right now we’re in a rent house, and we never have to go through the garage to get to the back door, but most of the houses that we’ve lived in, save for the very first apartment, we’ve entered the house through the garage.

Microsystems for the Garage:Keeping up with your keys

And so the very first thing we want to know when we come in is, where do we put our keys? How would you like to know exactly where to find your car keys and never again be forced to hunt a misplaced set when you’re already running late for an appointment?

I could probably count on one hand the number of times in the past 30 years I’ve had to frantically search for lost keys in a panic because we designated a place for keys early on and we’ve been faithful to use it consistently. For us, that took the form of 3M hooks on a wall or inside a cabinet door just inside the garage. Or since we currently live in a house for as many members park in front as park behind our house, we have a little drawer currently that all the keys go into.

But I really prefer the hooks because then the keys are exactly in the same place every time. You don’t have to rummage around in a drawer to find them. We do try to make it easier by color-coding the keys.

We have several cars because we have several adult children that are living in this house, and each child has a certain color carabiner for their car [keys]. So for instance, my husband has green, one son has blue, another son has red, one of my daughters has pink. Anyway, when they’re on the hooks each car has two keys so they have two carabiners associated with it.

That way if somebody doesn’t put the keys back, there’s still a key available to move the car if we need to. But most of the time everybody puts their keys where they belong, and you just have to reach in and get the color carabiner for the car you’re trying to drive to be able to move it.

I don’t like the drawer method quite as well as the hook method because you do have to root around a bit to find the keys you’re looking for and you have to stop and think what color belongs to the car that you need.

Whereas with the hooks they’re always hanging in the exact same position and they’re clearly labeled. The hooks are labeled: Mom, ead, Ben, Joe, Becca and so forth. So you can see at a glance what key you need and just grab it and go.

designating a place for dirty clothes

Then another thing that we do is we also keep laundry baskets right by the back door either right inside the house in a cabinet or right outside beside the door. For many many years I kept a dark and a light basket so people could just sort the laundry in as they went.

My husband does most of the laundry today and does not usually take time to separate lights from darks, so we don’t have double baskets anymore at the doors. We just have a single basket so that as people come in if they have socks or clothes that are dirty they can just put them right there before they ever enter the house.

no shoes in the house

We also try to keep some shelving for shoes right next to the back door. We typically don’t wear our shoes into the house. It keeps the floors cleaner that way and it always helps us know exactly where the shoes are.

I have a basket by the front door for people coming in through the front door to toss their shoes into, but at the back door we just have a different shelf for each person, and they put whatever shoes they’re wearing that day on the shelf and when they come out of the door ready to leave, they grab the shoes that they want and go.

store [and sort] socks conveniently

Then another thing, since we have shoes in the garage, we used to keep the socks out there, too, so that when the kids were getting ready for church or to go to co-op or something like that. as they were putting on their shoes on the steps of the garage, they could grab their socks too.

Again, in this rent house, I don’t have a place for that little nightstand that I used for the purpose. Before the nightstand, I had a little set of just Rubbermaid drawers with a different drawer for each person’s socks.

Oh and that’s also a different microsystem, which is when we were early in our marriage, I had lots of different socks every child had multiple colors of socks in multiple styles. And my husband saw me sorting unmatched socks one night.

I had over 75 unmatched socks for two or maybe three children at the time, and he said, “This is ridiculous. We need to just get rid of all these socks, and each child will have their distinctive style socks.”

You know: crew socks or maybe all the socks will be the same, but the toes will be different colors. So one child has gray toes and one has white toes and one has pink toes and that sort of thing. Matching toes and heels on the socks made it was easy to tell which sock belonged to which child, and if somebody didn’t put it in the dirty clothes, we knew who did it because you could recognize the sock.

Anyway, those socks were kept in a drawer [in the garage] so each child had a drawer for a while we had a little stack of Rubbermaid drawers, like I said, with those socks. And [each drawer was] labeled with the children’s names. Later, we had just a really large nightstand that had divided drawers in it, so each child had a divided area in a drawer.

organizing tools

Then also, in the garage, we would have a cabinet for our tools. And I’d labeled those drawers so that if they got a hammer out or a wrench or, you know, my husband needed a tool and wanted to find it quickly, it was easy to see the labels on the drawers and know exactly where to look for a screwdriver or a wrench.

pegs for coats and swimsuits

And then hooks were also something that we’ve typically had in the garage, although right now our hooks are in a coat closet inside the house. But we put a row of hooks [outside the door to the garage] so that each child had a hook.

And when our children were little, we would go swimming every night during the summer, and so those hooks were the perfect place for them to hang their wet swimsuits so that they could dry out before the next evening when it was time to go again.

Then in the wintertime, the swimsuits were put away because we weren’t swimming in the winter, but the hooks were great for their coats. So they’d grab their coats as they went out the back door and be ready to face the cooler weather. And then, when they came in, they would just hang them on the hooks.

It was a lot easier than using hangers and kept everything neat and tidy. And again, the hooks were labeled, and so they were in order –you know– youngest to oldest, and everybody knew which peg was theirs and would put their swimsuit or their coat on the peg that belonged to them.

a hanging dowel rod for drying towels

By that same token, we had lots of wet [beach]towels when we swam every night, and so what I did for that was just to hang a long 12-foot dowel by chains from the ceiling of the garage, and the kids could just throw their towel over that towel and kind of spread it out flat and they would dry that way and be ready to go the pool again the next day.

That kept us from having to wash towels every single time we went to the swimming pool because it really was a nightly occurrence there for a long time.

an easy way to keep garage floor clean

Then another thing that really helped us keep our garage tidy was painting the floor.

My mom and dad always painted their [garage] floor, and it was usually clean enough to eat off of. I can’t say the same for mine, but it mine is pretty neat usually.

Again we’re in a rent house right now without a painted floor, and it just gets so dusty and chalky without that paint, but with the paint it’s easy to sweep out it’s easy to mop and it just looks nice and so painting the floor.

My parents used to have our birthday parties out in the garage and it didn’t really matter how big a mess we made because it was very easy cleanup.

a place to park the bikes

Also to keep the bikes neat we would have a bike rack. Now my son has built a bike rack for their bikes out of wood which just has a little slot for the front tire of each bike and keeps them upright where they don’t have to use their kickstands. And they’re all lined up ready to go next time they want to take a ride.

The one that we have used for years and years and are still using is one that my husband had custom welded for us because for a long time we had 14 bikes. We had a bunch of bikes, and so we would just line them up on that bike rack, and it kept the garage so much neater that way.

keeping sporting goods in order

Also we would put up shelving for sports equipment. Basketballs would go in one laundry basket and tennis rackets in another, and we would just line up those things on shelves, and it was easy access but also kept everything nice and tidy.

And while we’re on the topic of bikes and sports sporting equipment, we might as well talk about toys as well.

Microsystems to Help Tame the Toy Boxgroup toys by category

There are certainly some microsystems in place that have been in place in our family for decades now, and one of the biggest ones is toy rotation. We’ve never had a dedicated playroom, but we do have lots of experience living in tight spaces.

Our first three children were born while we were still living in a small apartment, and when my husband was in the Army Reserves, we spent four months living in a 500 sq. ft bachelor barracks with 10 children. So being able to keep things tidy was really a plus. And part of our strategy there [and everywhere we’ve lived] was to rotate the toys.

put toys you keep on rotation

We never give our kids full access to all their playthings at once. I would instead group their toys into categories: you know, Duplos, Lincoln Logs, plastic dinosaurs, matchbox cars, baby dolls, etc. And we’d keep each category in a separate box or bin stored out of our children’s reach in the top of a locked closet or on a high shelf in the garage.

The kids didn’t have free reign to access those toys. They just asked for what they wanted, then I would get it down. They’d play with it until they were tired of playing, then pick it all up before trading it out for something new.

Now limited access meant limited mess. There are lots of advantages to putting kids toys on a rotation schedule. One of the most obvious is the fact that when kids can’t reach all their toys at once, they don’t drag them all out at the same time.

So any toy mess they create is automatically smaller and easier to clean up than it might have been otherwise, and I store those toys in a way that makes cleanup as easy as possible.

Store toys with clean up in mind

I made sure each category of toys was stored in a box big enough that everything could be tossed in quickly when it came time to pick up. If the toys have to be carefully arranged like some kind of IQ puzzle to fit back into the container, you have a much too small container. And you might as well forget having the kids pick up for you.

If the toys can be tossed back into the bucket with plenty of room to spare, even toddlers can help pick up and be proud of themselves for doing so. Those big bins of Lincoln Logs and Duplos that I mentioned? Those blocks fit inside with room to spare, so everyone can help, and cleanup takes less than a minute or two.

tips for storing toys in common spaces

While most of our toys are stored up high I have always kept two round wooden boxes with pretty painted lids with an easy reach for when my children were little or now for when the grandkids come to visit.

Each of those two boxes fit under a pair of matching leather chairs in our living room, and they look pretty. But the kids know that they can play with either one of them while their parents visit. And I’ve done that since my own children were little.

They were allowed to get them out without asking permission while I was cooking dinner or napping or talking on the phone. But I would regularly rotate other toys from the top of the closet into those easy-to-access boxes every few weeks, to make sure the kids didn’t grow tired playing with just the same few things.

I probably need to do that again for my grandkids right now, because their current favorites are matchbox cars and dinosaurs, both of which could easily fit in those two boxes underneath my chairs. But I have some domino sets that they don’t play with quite as much, so I should switch those out while I’m thinking about it.

The storage looks decorative that way and I don’t mind it being visible, and it’s still really easy for the kids to quickly pick up by themselves. Depending on your style, a big picnic basket with a lid could work or a vintage suitcase or maybe even an ottoman with hidden storage would work well.

The secret is just to train your kids not to get all of [those easy-access toys] out at once and to put the things back when they’re finished playing with them.

routinely purge toy collection

Another big help to keeping the toy box tamed is to routinely purge your children’s playthings. For many of us the best way to begin organizing kids toys is by getting rid of about half of them.

Most children these days own way more toys than they will ever play with, and the excess just creates confusion and chaos and prevents them from enjoying the toys that they really do like. Plus, sometimes [the excess] makes the playroom or family den look like a tornado struck it. So clear out the clutter and toss the stuff that’s broken or missing parts.

If you need to, enlist your kids help. Depending on their ages, you may have to consult them before purging their playthings — or at least hang on to the things that you want to discard for a while, in case anything is missed or is more special than you realize.

You can put all the junky plastic stuff and the Happy Meal toys and things that they never really play with in a cardboard box and put it in the attic for a month or two. My own mother did that to me one time when my messy closet was driving her crazy. She put everything she thought should be tossed or donated into a big black trash bag and moved it to our storage room.

She told me several times that I could go through it and get out anything I wanted to keep, but I never got around to doing that, and she eventually just sent it all packing.

I was sad when I realized that several trophies and all my blue ribbons and award certificates had been in that sack, but I really can’t blame her, because she did give me ample opportunity to reclaim it. The only thing that I’d recommend doing differently than what she did is to use a box instead of a trash bag, which is a little bit easier to go through, and is also more neatly stored in the interim.

leave room for sentimentality

Allow room, though, for sentimentality — at least in moderation. Some kids (like some adults) seem deeply attached to [all] their belongings.

I suspect that they are mostly attached to the memories associated with those belongings (I know that’s definitely the case for me). When they look at that possession, it reminds them of the person who gave them the gift or the vacation they were on when they first got the item or some other significant (or not so significant) life event.

I remember going through my son’s stuffed animal collection. He was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when he was 22 months old and spent a week at Children’s Hospital in Dallas getting things under control before he came back home.

And he came home from that week at Children’s with more stuffed animals than you could shake a stick at, because every time they came in to take a blood pressure or to take his temperature or adjust his medication or give him a shot or test his blood — every single time they came in that room — they brought him a new stuffed animal.

So he came home with so many stuffed animals — just bag fulls — and we were kind of drowning in them. So I let him keep them for a few months and then bagged them up. We were having a garage sale, and I was gonna get rid of some of the excess things we had at the house and, unbeknownst to me, there was one little yellow dog in the pile I bagged up he called his diabetic dog.

The nurses had used that dog to help him learn how to give a shot. Every time they had to give him a shot, he was able to give the little diabetic dog a shot first.

And so, my son saw that little yellow dog on the table before I opened the garage sale and started crying, “Mom, you can’t sell the diabetic dog!”

And, of course, he was so right. And I’ve been made to feel so guilty ever since that I’d even consider selling that diabetic dog! But I tried to make it up to him. I made the diabetic dog it’s own little carrying case. Then, every time my son had a pair of blue jeans that was worn out at the knee or short sets that needed to be hemmed, or anything else that needed to be altered, I would save the scraps and make the diabetic dog a little matching outfit just like my son’s clothes. So he had this little carrying case for his diabetic dog and a full wardrobe that matched his — and he still has them today — so that was obviously the right decision to keep that diabetic dog.

special toys get special treatment

So (obviously, special toys should get special treatment. If your child does have a favorite stuffed animal or a favorite doll like that, by all means let him or her hold on to that one rather than storing it away with the rest of the toys (or sending it away with charity donations or trash pickup!)

We let our daughters keep their American Girl dolls in their room for anytime play, and that firstborn son got to keep his diabetic dog with him at all times, and — oh my goodness — that thing came to the zoo with us more than once. One time, it even fell out of a monorail ride at the Dallas Zoo into an enclosure with the wild animals, and the zoo workers were so kind to go and retrieve it when they realized how special it was to my son.

I had another son who had a homemade black Zorro mask that I had made at his request for him, and, for about a year, he kept that thing in his pocket (whenever it wasn’t on his face).

And so for the time that my kids were fixated on specific toys — now they couldn’t fixate on every single toy we owned — but if there were one or two really special things like a doll or a stuffed animal, we let them keep those with them. And then, when they lost interest in them, they would be put back on rotation with the rest of the toys. The dolls would go back to the doll bucket, and the Zorro mask would go back to the costume bucket, and things like that.

choose classic, versatile toys

Whenever you’re deciding which toys to keep and which to purge, go for those toys that can be used in multiple ways:

A large scarf can be a superhero cape or a baby blanket or a sling for a broken arm or a turban or a sash — you get the idea. Similarly, blocks can be used to build cities or roads or skyscrapers or cabins or fences or pyramids.

That’s why we’re real big fans of Duplos and wooden train tracks and Lincoln Logs, and we we have a big bin of each of those still in our garage today that we get out when the grandkids are over. Not only do our own kids still play with them (young and old alike), but those grandkids love them, too.

And the initial cost (which was minimal because I bought most of those toys at garage sales for pennies on the dollar in the first place) has proven to be such a worthwhile investment because those classic old toys do not wear out.

The same blocks and trains and Duplos I brought home for my own children to play with more than 35 years ago are still entertaining my grandkids today. And they’ll likely enthrall my great-grandchildren, as well, before it’s all said and done.

So: rotated toys, we found, hold kids’ interest longer. When kids are daily tripping over the same old toys, they hardly even take notice of them. But put them out of reach for a few weeks, and suddenly those same play things seem newer and more appealing than ever. But that’s enough on toys,

Keeping the Kitchen Clutter Free

Let’s move on into the kitchen. I’ve written extensively about my methods and microsystems for organizing kitchens and streamlining meal prep, including a couple of posts on our family blog and even a book called Sit Down & Eat — all of which I’ll link and today’s show notes (along with my tips for organizing the garage and the toys).

create work stations

I’ll cover a few of my favorites in this episode, though, starting with stations. It’s so helpful when laying out your kitchen if you consider where you’re gonna be doing certain tasks and store everything you need right there.

For instance, we drink a lot of hot tea, so I have a box that we keep all of our hot teas in and our tea strainers and our tea timers. And it’s right next to the hot tea kettle, and everything is just right there where you can access it. The cups that we drink the tea out of are right on the shelf above the tea box, so you don’t have to move from one side of the kitchen or one area to another to complete that task. It’s all there for you need it.

Likewise, when I’m cooking, all my pots and pans are stored next to the stovetop. And plates and silverware and napkins are all stored really close to the table, so it’s super easy to set everything out at mealtime.

buy duplicate tools

Then another thing that has helped in the kitchen is to have duplicate tools. I’ll talk about this more in the episode where I address children’s chores and child training, but having duplicate tools (like two potato peelers and two melon scoops and stuff like that) allows you to work right next to your children.

A lot of times, when they’re little, they want so much to help. And a lot of that is just wanting to be close to you and to learn the skills that you are good at. So rather than doing things sequentially — you know, you measure the tablespoon of baking powder that needs to go in the batter and hand it to your child and have that child put it in the bowl — that really does slow you down and it makes a task take about three times as long as it would take without the help.

There are times where that is called for, but most often you can work side-by-side on tasks, and your children will not slow you down. They will actually help. And that is by having multiple tools.

So, for instance, if I’m peeling potatoes or peeling carrots and my little one comes up and wants to help peel, rather than passing off my potato peeler and finding something else to do while they peel, I just grab the extra one and give it to them.

Then it doesn’t matter how slowly they peel that carrot. I can peel 10 carrots in the time they peel the one. But they’ve still contributed the one, and they haven’t slowed me down at all. So the same is true for stemming grapes or chopping tomatoes or….

You know, if you just have two cutting boards and two knives, they can work right beside you. If you have two can openers, they can open their one can to your three. You can work side-by-side and do the same tasks and help as needed.

And they will be gaining proficiency in the areas that really will be a big help to you as they get better at it. And you’re capitalizing on their enthusiasm while they’re young and doing it that way with duplicate tools really helps you to remain efficient in your time use in the kitchen, but still have your children come alongside you — especially the ones that want to be there.

And then, of course, when you have guests and other people offer to help you with things, if you have two or three cutting boards, two or three potato peelers, that sort of thing, everybody can be working together, and that that really does lighten the load and help out and get the meal on the table faster.

make double batches

Then something else that I have made a habit of doing is by making things in double batches. Now with a family as big as ours is, a lot of times I have to make double batches just to feed them for the night.

But I’m talking about, like, if I’m browning beef, I will brown twice as much as I need for the recipe I’m making right then and use the rest of it in a recipe later in the week or freeze it for use even further down the road than that. So it just streamlines meal prep later.

If I’m making a big batch of minestrone soup, I will make double, put one straight in the pot and the other in a Ziploc bag to freeze for later, and then when I’m in a rush sometime I can just pull it out of the freezer, pop it in the pressure cooker, and it will be ready in a less than half an hour. The same goes for lentil soup. Soups are really easy to do that with, to make multiple batches at once.

My children and I took a class in making freezer meals together. They loved it, and we learned a lot, and it was really life-changing as far as our routines went, because they felt so accomplished helping and were willing to continue helping even when we went through all those steps at home. We were able to lay up so many meals. After just an hour or two of work, we’d have enough meals to last us for a whole month! And it really cut down on food prep day to day that way.

tell at a glance whether dishes are clean

Then another microsystem that we have employed for many years has to do with making it obvious whether the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty.

Do you ever have that problem? Where you are emptying the dishwasher and realize about halfway through that the cycle hasn’t run yet?

Well, we don’t like it when that happens, and so to prevent it from happening, for many years I would just keep a dry erase marker right beside the dishwasher. Then whenever we emptied the dishwasher, I would write the word dirty in that dry erase marker, and when the next cycle ran, the word would wash off.

So if you opened the dishwasher and it said “dirty,” you knew it was still dirty. And if you opened it up and the word wasn’t there, you knew the cycle had run.

The problem is, that only worked for dishwashers with a stainless steel interior. I my sister about that tip, and she tried it on her dishwasher at home. Fortunately, she tested before she wrote the big word dirty on the interior of hers, and it stained and and wouldn’t come off at all. And we eventually ended up in a house that didn’t have a stainless steel interior to the dishwasher either, and so we had to come up with a new microsystem for making it obvious.

Now I know they make like magnets that you can put on the front of your dishwasher that say “clean” on one side and “dirty” on the other. The problem is, when you live in a house full of toddlers, those toddlers will come along and play with that magnet and flip it back and forth and back and forth until you don’t know what side it should be on.

When you come back to look at that dishwasher, it may say clean when it’s not or dirty when it’s not, and you have no way of knowing because those little magnets are so easy to flip around.

So we had to come up with something that was a little bit more foolproof than that, and what we finally settled on was, as soon as we finish emptying the dishwasher, we put the soap in for the next cycle and shut the little drawer the soap goes in.

Then when you run the cycle, the drawer pops open. So when you open the the door of your dishwasher and that little detergent drawer is open, you know the cycle’s run. And if it’s closed, you know the dishes in there are still dirty.

Now we always rinse our dishes before we put them in the dishwasher anyway, so they look pretty clean even when we haven’t run the cycle. So that is one reason we want to make sure that we know for sure the cycle hasn’t been run — and by putting the the soap in and that’s just a habit you have to get in and train everybody else in the family to adhere to that habit and to recognize what it means: When you open the dishwasher and see that the door is still closed, they’re dirty. The door is popped open, they are clean.

bringing order to your pantry

Then for pantry organization, one of the biggest things that has helped us keep our pantry organized is just putting a lot… [transcript ends here; I’ll try to upload the rest soon]

The post EP 53: Microsystems for Home Management appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 52: Helping Your Husband Make Better Food Choices

I received a message from a listener this week who was concerned about her husband’s health. His diet needs work, he does’t get enough sleep or enough exercise, and lately he’s been experiencing recurrent chest pain. She wondered if I could give her some ideas for helping her husband make better food choices. “How can I motivate him to improve his diet?”

So, today on the Loving Life at Home podcast, I’m sharing four tips for dealing with a spouse’s poor diet and exercise habits. I hope you’ll find them helpful, as well. Scroll past the show notes to read the transcript from this week’s episode in full.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” – Philippians 4:6“Which of you by worrying can add a single day to his life’s span?” Matthew 6:27“To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you shall deliver children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.’” – Genesis 3:16“If you do well, will your face not be cheerful? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” – Genesis 4:7RELATED SOURCES:Head-to-Toe Prayer Guide31 Verses to Pray over Your Husband How Not to Die by Michael Greger, MD How Not to Age by Michael Greger, MDGet Up & Go by Jennifer FlandersEat This, Not That by David ZinczenkoSTAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, free printables) Marriage Blog: Loving Life at Home  (encouragement in your roles as wife, mother, believer) Helping Hubby Make Better ChoicesPodcast Transcript: Episode 52

Hello, friend. Welcome to Loving Life at Home. This is Episode 52, which means I’ve been podcasting for exactly a year now. Can you believe it?

Thank you so much for being here. I deeply appreciate your tuning in to listen as often as you can.

When I first started this podcast, I wondered if perhaps by the one-year mark, I would’ve exhausted everything I had to say. But thanks to all the great questions I’ve been getting from listeners recently along with wonderful suggestions for specific topics they’d like to hear addressed, I’m not even close to being finished with the editorial calendar I’ve created to keep track of them all.

Instead, I’m going to keep chipping away at all those letters and requests, starting with one I received just yesterday.

A friend of mine has been struggling with anxiety lately and messaged me to ask for some advice. She wrote:

“Hi, Jennifer. I’m finding myself battling with some worries on a regular basis…. I see [my husband] making bad food choices and leading a sedentary lifestyle, and he has been complaining of chest pain for over a month.

He’s a darling husband and father, and I love him so much, [but I am] fearful for his health. I can’t seem to motivate him to eat healthy or to [get adequate sleep and] exercise.

How can I best help him to be a good steward of his body?

Concerned Wife

Now, isn’t that a great question? It literally could have been written by just about every wife I know – including myself – at some point or other in her life.

In fact, my husband, Doug, and I had a lively discussion about the same topic less than 24 hours before this listener’s message came in.

That’s because my husband has been reading a book, which I’ll tell you about in a minute, that prompted him to adopt some new dietary changes. And he had previously asked for my help in implementing them.

But we’ve been traveling the past few days, and it’s always a bit of a challenge to make good food choices on the road. Have you ever noticed that? So, to help him out, in every restaurant we’ve dined at, on every given menu, I’ve been pointing out to Doug the food options that most closely aligned with his stated dietary goals.

And let’s just say, he did not at all appreciate my efforts to help out in this way!

So when this friend’s message came in the following day, I asked him over breakfast, “What would you advise a wife to do who is concerned about wha her husband has been eating and wants to know how to motivate him to make healthier choices? I’m asking FOR A FRIEND.”

Well, he didn’t have any suggestions to offer, but when I discussed with him the few tips I’m about to share with you, he agreed they were very good and said he would approve of them all.

Which is good for me to know, and hopefully will help you out, as well.

4 Tips for Improving Your Spouse’s Diet1. Pray about it.

Philippians 4:6 tells us, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Notice that there’s no caveat. The Bible doesn’t say, “Be anxious for nothing, UNLESS your husband makes poor dietary choices or refuses to exercise or has recurrent chest pain, then you can worry all you want about those issues.” No. No exceptions.

The question Jesus posed to His followers is a good one for us, as well, “Which of you by worrying can add a single day to his life’s span?” Matthew 6:27

And if you can’t add a single day to your own life by worrying, then worrying will do absolutely nothing to lengthen your husband’s life, either.

Your best bet–both for effecting change in your husband and for nurturing your own peace of mind–is to commit the matter to prayer.

If you don’t know where to start, I’ll link a couple of free printable prayer guides in today’s show notes that might help.

The first is a head-to-toe prayer guide that provides Bible-based prayers for specific parts of your husband’s body: his brain, eyes, ears, mouth, heart, arms, legs, and feet.

One wife wrote to remind me I’d left off some very important parts, and she’s right, so I guess you’ll be on your own to cover those in prayer – at least until I get around to updating my free printable. But at least this little guide will get you started.

I also offer a free printable 31-day prayer challenge that lists different scriptures to pray over your husband each day of the month, many of which are at least tangentially related to the topic at hand: For instance, you’ll pray for God to sustain your husband’s health (3 John 1:2), to give him strength (Psalm 28:7), to increase his understanding (Proverbs 2:2), to provide much-needed rest (Matthew 11:28), and to fortify his self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7)

Now, please note that praying about something does not guarantee you’ll immediately get the results you’re hoping for, although I do remember being fairly shocked several times over the years at just how quickly God has answered my prayers for my husband.

I remember one time in particular, my husband told in passing about some decision he’d made– I don’t even remember now what the decision even was – but I remember having some reservations about his proposed course of action and not being able to address those concerns immediately because he was on his way to work or some other early morning appointment.

So, instead I just prayed about it, and prayed for him that God would help him make a wise decision, and that he’d consider how the decision would affect the rest of the family, and that God would help me to put it out of my mind and not spend the day worrying about it.

And that’s exactly what He did! I literally didn’t think about it again until my husband came home from work that evening and told me, “Oh, by the way, I decided against doing [whatever it was he’d decided that morning to do].” And I just remember smiling to myself and thinking, “Wow! Was that ever a fast answer to prayer!”

So prayer is definitely where I would recommend starting.  

2. Don’t attempt to micromanage.

In my somewhat limited experience and observation, men rarely respond well to being bossed around (especially when the one doing the bossing is a wife or child).

I remember one of my sons – Samuel – coming home from a father/son event at friend’s house when he was a younger. I can’t remember for sure how old he was at the time – maybe 12 or 13.

Anyway, his friend lived in the country, and his family had built a bonfire for the occasion, and Samuel noticed that several people, kids and adults alike, were throwing Styrofoam cups into the bonfire when they’d finished drinking their hot cocoa.

Now this alarmed my son, because he happened to know that burning styrofoam releases carbon monoxide into the atmosphere, which is very dangerous for people to breathe. In fact, in concentrated amounts, it can kill you.

Samuel tried to explain his concern to the boys and their dads, but none of them would listen to him, so he hurried over to the homeowner (who happens to be a personal friend we’ve known for years and deeply respect) and explained the situation to HIM and told him he needed to make an announcement forbidding the other party guests from throwing any more cups in the fire.  

And can you guess how the homeowner responded? He looked my son straight in the eyes, wadded up his own stryrofoam cup, and tossed it into the flames alongside all the others.

Well, Samuel was incredulous and was still asking, when he got home, why would Dr. So-and-So do that?

My husband laughed a little and said, “probably because he didn’t want a 13-year-old boy telling him what to do.”  Either that, or he suspected  that demanding the other party guests cease and desist might motivate them to throw even more cups in the fire.”

Now understand, I’m not saying that response was right. But it does seem to illustrate how the vast majority of men I know are wired.

So insisting that your husband eat this or not eat that or get off the couch and get some exercise will rarely produce the results you desire. It may cement him all the more firmly in his ways

And my friend’s question: “How can I motivate my husband to improve his behavior?” is one women struggled with for millennia.

In fact, there has been speculation that God’s words to Eve in Genesis 3:16 foreshadows this quandary:

“To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you shall deliver children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.’”

What do you think “your desire will be for your husband” means? The text seems to hint at something beyond sexual desire. Maybe it’s talking about the deep longing many women to be married and HAVE a husband.

Yet the word translated “desire” here is the same one used in Genesis 4:7, where God tells Cain,

“If you do well, will your face not be cheerful? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; and its DESIRE is for you, but you must master it.”

Here, the word seems to carry a connotation of control – Just as sin wants to control us, many a wife would like to exert more control over her husband, to dictate his behavior, maybe even decide what he eats, how much he sleeps and exercises, and what he does with his spare time.

And Genesis 3:16 lets us know that this desire for control must be subjugated to the husband’s leadership.

So don’t try to dictate or micromanage when it comes to these areas in which you are praying for improvement. Instead you may see better results using my next tip, which is…

3. Add, don’t subtract

Instead of targeting all the things you wish your husband would stop eating, try introducing a few new additions you know will benefit him in the long run.

For instance, research indicates that eating just half a red delicious apple a day increases average lifespan by four years.

Eating a handful of blueberries every day reduces your risk of developing Alzheimer’s by a whopping 76%. (although, to get the full benefit, you need to eat the blueberries without milk or yogurt, both of which have a protein that will bind to the pigment in the blueberries and prevent the helpful part from working its magic in your brain.

My husband has been reading another book by Michael Gregger lately called How Not to Age (which I’ll link in the show notes).

Dr. Greger is an MD who has done some amazing meta-analysis of an enormous body of scientific research. He wrote a book several years ago called How Not to Die ( I’ll also link that one in the show notes) in which he examines the 15 leading causes of death in the western world and shows how switching to a plant-based diet not only protects against all 15 maladies, but in many cases can even reverse the damage that has already been done.

Dr. Greger got interested in this topic when his own grandmother was diagnosed with end-stage heart disease. Her doctors told her there was nothing to be done for her condition and sent her home to die.

Well, a family friend suggested she try a vegetarian diet since, at that point, she really had nothing to lose. And she agreed. Within two weeks, she was out of her wheelchair. Within a month, she was walking 10 miles a day.

Needless to say, she continued with the plant-based diet. And, what’s more, she went on to live another 31 years and died at 96.

Greger says that’s why he went into medicine and has dedicated so much of his life to studying the effects of diet on overall health.

And the book my husband just finished reading, How Not to Age takes it a step further and examines how aging affects all our different bodily systems: our brain, our hearth, our digestive system, etc. and discusses how a plant-based diet can help minimize damage.

In it, he learned – and I quote — that “each additional daily serving of vegetables is associated with a four percent lower risk of premature death, with a 6 percent lower risk for each additional daily serving of fruits, 8 percent lower risk per serving of whole grains, 10 percent lower risk for single daily serving of legumes [such as beans, lentils, and chickpeas], and 15 percent lower risk for eating even a daily half serving of nuts [which amounts to just half an ounce]”

Now, I realize that all these statistics are just that: statistics. Sure, they come from rigorous, double-blind studies. But they’re not guarantees.

Plus, as a Christian, I know that before I was ever born, God recorded in His book all the days that were ordained for me, and nothing’s going to alter what He has written.

Still, I am hoping that He’s planned a long, healthy life for me and am going to do everything I can to facilitate that plan by eating apples and fiber and leafy greens and by avoid things like running red lights or texting while driving or doing all kinds of other stuff that might be damaging to my health and well-being.

So, when it comes to our husband’s diets, rather than harping on all the things he shouldn’t be eating, we can just add in some of those things we know will benefit him. When we hit on something he likes, serve it often in hopes that it will eventually displace some of the less healthy options he normally gravitates toward.

There’s another book out that is full of suggestions for healthier swaps called Eat This, Not That. I’ll link that in the show notes, too. Although, your husband may not be willing to cooperate with more healthful substitutes. My efforts at doing such things for my husband usually go over like a lead balloon. But it may give you ideas for making better food choices yourself, which brings me to my next tip:

4. Embrace a healthy lifestyle yourself

Set a good example and feed your children a variety of healthful foods. Keep healthful snacks readily available, so that when your kids – or your husband—start rummaging around for something to eat, the good stuff is at least an option. If the choice is to eat the carrot sticks that are already chopped up and waiting or to drive to the store for a bag of chips, he may opt for the easier option.

Likewise for the exercise you know he needs. Instead of urging him to get off the couch and get some exercise, invite him on fun outings with you and the children: walk around the block or to a local park, play tag or skip rope or have a push-up competition. Sometimes all the incentive our husbands need is to see the rest of the family having fun and decide to join in.

Exercise doesn’t have to look like jogging around the track or lifting weights at a gym. There are lots of ways to increase your level of activity that are fun and engaging and involve the whole family. In fact, I’ve written a book on that topic called Get Up & Go, which I’ll link in the show notes.

But I’d encourage you, even it if your husband declines to participate in your active play or opts to make that late-night run to the grocery store for high-calorie junk food you know he shouldn’t eat, do your best not to worry or complain about it.

Part of embracing a healthy lifestyle yourself is not stressing over what your husband is or isn’t doing you think he shouldn’t or should be doing. That kind of stress will probably do as much (or more!) damage to your own health as a poor diet is doing to his.

So calm down. Trust God. Keep praying. Continue to supplement his poor diet with as many healthful additions as you can get him to eat. And be consistent enough with your own diet and exercise regimen that your husband can’t help but notice and admire your commitment to stewarding well the body God has given you and may eventually decide to adopt some of those same practices himself, provided you remain sweet and cheerful and humble about it rather than acting superior or judgmental or put out about the fact he hasn’t already followed your good example. The former attitude is endearing, so cultivate it. That latter is off-putting, so guard against it.

More Printable Prayer Guides

You will find many more prayer guides you can download individually for free by following this link: Free Printable Prayer Guides.

Or you can save time by investing in a copy of my Pretty Prayer Print Pack and then download a whole bundle of resources in a single click, including all our most popular prayer guides plus prayer lists and diaries, prayer-themed coloring pages, prayer cards, and beautiful printable artwork suitable for framing. Several of the resources in this collection are not available anywhere else.

The post EP 52: Helping Your Husband Make Better Food Choices appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

A Prayer for the Lost

If you’ve been around here for long, you know I love creating free printable prayer guides. So when I got several requests recently for help in praying for unsaved friends and family, I got right on it. And today I’m sharing what I came up with: A Prayer for the Lost.

Click to Print a Prayer for the Lost

One of the readers who requested this resource admitted, “Most of the time I just don’t know how to pray for an unbeliever and my prayers fall flat, like I’m repeating the same few things over and over. One of the people God has brought to my mind to pray for is an atheist and hostile towards the idea of anything to do with God. I would love to have a scriptural base for my prayers for my unbelieving friends.”

Do you ever feel at a loss for how to pray? You’re in good company! Even the disciples asked Jesus, “Lord, teach us to pray…” (Luke 11:1 NIV)

And God makes provision for our being at a loss for words, as well:

"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." (Romans 8:26 NKJV)

That’s one reason I like to infuse my prayers with Scripture–so I can be confident that I am praying in accordance with God’s revealed will. And when it comes to praying for unbelievers, here are the verses I frequently use in my appeals….

A Prayer for the LOST

Lord, I pray for my unbelieving loved ones and ask that You would:

LEAD THEM TO REPENTANCE

God, You are gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love and faithfulness. You don’t wish for any to perish, but for all to come to repentance. Yet we, like sheep, have gone astray. There is none righteous, nobody who understands or seeks after You, none who come to faith unless the Father draws them. So I ask You to mercifully draw my lost loved ones to Yourself, LORD. Grant them the humility they’ll need to confess & turn away from their sin and to accept the forgiveness You so freely offer in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 86:15 — 2 Peter 3:9 — Isaiah 53:6 — Romans 3:10-11 — John 6:44 — 1 Peter 5:5 — Acts 3:19

OPEN THEIR EYES TO YOUR GOODNESS

O Light of the World, I pray that You would shine brightly upon the hearts and lives of my lost friends and family members. The heavens declare Your magnificent glory—please open their eyes to comprehend it. Allow them to taste and see that You are good. Let them observe Your goodness in the land of the living. Don’t permit them to walk in darkness any longer. Deliver them from the power of sin and from the evil that threatens to overcome them. Plant Your Word in their heart & let them behold wondrous things in Your law.

John 8:12 — Psalm 19:1 — Psalm 34:8 — Psalm 27:13 — John 3:19 — Matthew 6:13 — James 1:21 — Psalm 119:18

SAVE THEM BY YOUR GRACE

Thank you, LORD, that You are mighty to save! Praise be to Jesus, who conquered death and the grave and grants eternal life to all who accept it by grace through faith! Please make that true of my lost loved ones. They are dead in their sin, just as I was before you changed my heart & granted me salvation. Please do the same for them: Lavish Your grace upon them & give them a deep longing to know You. May they place their full trust & confidence in Jesus Christ, not in their own works or righteousness, which is as filthy rags.

Zephaniah 3:17 — 1 Corinthians 15:54-55 — Ephesians 1:7-8 — Ephesians 2:1-9 — Galatians 6:14 — Philippians 3:9-10 — Isaiah 64:6

TRANSFORM THEM TO YOUR IMAGE

God, I pray you would not only save my lost friends & family members, but that You would sanctify them, as well. Complete the good work You’ve begun in their hearts. Give them the mind of Christ & conform them to His image. Empower them to walk in the good works You’ve established beforehand for them to do. Develop in them the fruit of Your Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. May their redeemed lives accurately reflect Your character to others & bring glory to You.

John 17:17 — Philippians 1:6 — Romans 8:29 — Romans 12:2 — Ephesians 2:10 — Galatians 5:22 — 2 Corinthians 3:18 — 1 Corinthians 10:31

More Printable Prayer Guides

You will find many more prayer guides you can download individually for free by following this link: Free Printable Prayer Guides.

Or you can save time by investing in a copy of my Pretty Prayer Print Pack and then download a whole bundle of resources in a single click, including all our most popular prayer guides plus prayer lists and diaries, prayer-themed coloring pages, prayer cards, and beautiful printable artwork suitable for framing. Several of the resources in this collection are not available anywhere else.

The post A Prayer for the Lost appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 51: Waiting in a Way that Honors God

Paul encourages us in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “Whether then you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God.” Glorifying God:That should be our goal, right? And “everything” would have to include waiting, wouldn’t it? But how can we wait in a way that honors God? Is that even possible?

Yes. According to the Bible, it is. And today on Loving LIfe at Home, we’ll look at a few ways to do it. The material for this week’s episode is taken from a blog post I wrote four years ago in 2020. Scroll past the show notes to read that article in its entirety.

Show NotesVERSES CITED: “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” (Colossians 4:2)“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)“Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come.” (Mark 13:33)“We tear down arguments and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4)“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29)

So much of life is spent in limbo. Waiting for a baby, a ride, or a test result. Waiting for a paycheck, a court date, or summer vacation.

We wait… and wait… and wait some more. Is there a way we can do it to the glory of God? How can we wait in a way that honors Him?

So much of life is spent in limbo. Waiting for a baby, a ride, or a test result. Waiting for a paycheck, a court date, or summer vacation. We wait… and wait… and wait some more.

The year 2020 has given us myriad opportunities to wait… and to wonder. When will schools reopen? When will toilet paper be restocked? How soon will I get my job back? Will the economy rebound? Will we have to wear masks and social distance forever? Can our country survive this election?

Yes, waiting is an inescapable part of living. But what are we supposed to do in the meantime? Is there a way we can wait to the glory of God?

According to the Bible, there is. And I’ve detailed a few such ways below.

How to Wait in a Way that Honors God

Continue in prayer.

We may not be able to move forward, but we still have work to do. And that work begins on our knees. We must pray that truth would prevail, that wrongdoing would be exposed, and that God’s will would be done.

“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” (Colossians 4:2)

Stay watchful & alert.

Be vigilant and sober. Don’t be duped into a false security or succumb to apathy. Stand firm and guard against your adversary, the devil, who “prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

“Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come.” (Mark 13:33)

Take every thought captive.

Don’t let your fears run away with you. Don’t cede any ground to worry and anxiety. Reign in your racing thoughts. Reaffirm what you know, then entrust the rest to God.

“We tear down arguments and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

Rejoice during hardship.

Why do trials take us off guard? Didn’t Jesus warn us that we would have trouble in the world? (John 16:33) Moreover, hasn’t He promised to work all things — even hardships and suffering — together for our good and His glory? (Romans 8:28) The knowledge that there’s a divine purpose to our pain is enough to help us rejoice in the midst of it.

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4)

Fix your eyes on Jesus.

My hope doesn’t lie in social movements or pay raises or political reform. My hope lies in Christ and Christ alone. So that is where my attention must remain, where my confidence must rest, where my thoughts must be fixed.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)

Find rest in Him.

“Little ones to Him belong. They are weak, but He is strong.” Haven’t we sung that truth since childhood? So why do we insist on shouldering heavy burdens He never intended us to bear? We need to cast those cares at the foot of the cross and rest in the assurance that God is still on His throne, even when we don’t understand what He is doing or why.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29)

Next time you find yourself in limbo, stop and consider. Check your attitude. How are you spending the interim time? Are you using it wisely? Are you waiting in a way that honors God?

The post EP 51: Waiting in a Way that Honors God appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 50: Marriage Lessons Best Learned by Example

It’s June right now, which is the month both my husband’s parents and my own tied the knot. His parents celebrated 62 years of marriage a couple of weeks ago. Isn’t that amazing? And tomorrow marks the 64th anniversary of the day my parents wed, although my father didn’t live to see it. So in honor of the wonderful examples both sets of parents set for us, I want to talk this week about the marriage lessons kids learn — for better or worse — simply by observing how their parents relate to one another.

The material for this podcast is taken from a post I wrote on the topic six years ago. You can read that original article in its entirety by scrolling past today’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:Philippians 2:3-4 – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”1 Corinthians 13:4-8 – “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” RELATED LINKS:Secrets to Marital Success: 30 Lessons in 30 Years of MarriageEpisode 34: The #1 Rule for Building a Happy MarriageThe A-to-Z Guide to Building a Better Marriage7 Ways to Ruin Your MarriageFree Printable Medicine Tracker (for caregivers like my father-in-law)STAY CONNECTED:Subscribe: Flanders Family Freebies -(weekly themed link lists of free resources)Instagram: follow @flanders_family for more great contentFamily Blog: Flanders Family Home Life (parenting tips, homeschool help, printables) The best marriage lessons are taught by example.

We don’t get to see my husband’s parents often, but every time we do, I marvel at how loving and attentive my father-in-law is to his wife. Now in her late seventies, Mom has a lot of health issues, and it is a beautiful thing to behold the patient, protective care Dad gives her in the midst of it all.

Once when we were together, Mom lost her balance while getting out of our van. Thankfully, my father-in-law had hold of her. They both hit the ground, but Dad managed to slow-dance her down in such a gentle, graceful way that she emerged from the mishap completely unscathed.

What could easily have been a fractured hip for her translated into a skinned elbow for him, as he took the brunt of the fall. But we slapped a Band-Aid on it to stop the bleeding, and Dad was as good as new. Crisis averted.

I’m glad my mother-in-law has such a self-sacrificing husband watching out for her. Both for her sake and for mine. I daily reap the benefit of the good example Doug’s father set for him in this area (not to mention the strong work ethic Dad drilled into him from an early age, as well).

I had a similar upbringing: Parents who loved one another, who were deeply committed to the Lord and to their family, who were faithful and honest and did excellent work and expected their children to do the same. They, in turn, were modeling the good example their parents had provided them.

I couldn’t ask for better role models.

The men were strong, smart and capable, as were the women they married. They treated one another with respect and admiration, stayed true to their marriage vows, and counted it a privilege to build a life and family together.

Of course, not everyone is blessed with such an idyllic upbringing.

The lack of a good example leaves a gaping hole in many folks’ understanding of what, exactly, constitutes a good marriage. At the same time, society has tossed out any kind of Biblical standard as to how husband/wife relationships were designed to work, so now we have the blind leading the blind.

Even more alarming, the blind have started calling good evil and evil good.

In my day, when a man was accused of abuse, it usually meant drunken rages and physical bruises – or something equally shocking, selfish, cowardly, and evil. But by today’s standard, if a man holds the door open for a woman, he’s being sexist. If a husband shows his wife too much attention, he’s controlling. Too little, he’s ignoring her. I’ve even read of one bizarre court case where a husband was charged with battery for working late.

Meanwhile, our society flocks to the theater in droves to see 50 shades of something sinister and calls that love.

Don’t we have it backwards?

Shouldn’t we commend the man who is working hard to provide for his family and condemn the one who is misusing women for his own twisted, selfish gratification?

I guess my point is this: Parents, you may be the only marriage book your children ever read. What lessons will they take with them when they leave home? Please do your best to live before them an example that will set them up for marital success and happiness if they follow it.

And kids, if you were fortunate enough to have witnessed that kind of godly example yourself, emulate it. If not, then resolve to improve upon it.

Either way, don’t listen to society’s upside-down ideas of what true love is. Go instead to the Word of God. The 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians is a great place to start:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

That’s the kind of never-ending, never-failing, self-sacrificing love Jesus has for us. When it comes to role models, you can’t ask for a better one than that. Isn’t it time we start following His example?

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.

The post EP 50: Marriage Lessons Best Learned by Example appeared first on Loving Life at Home.