Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 12

EP 19: Amazing Stories of God’s Provision

I recently received a beautiful letter from a listener asking me to recount personal stories of God’s provision as a way to encourage others to trust Him more fully, as well. Of course, any time is a good time to reflect on the goodness and faithfulness of God, but Thanksgiving week seems an especially ideal time for doing so.

Therefore, that is the topic for this week’s podcast episode. In it I share some of our family’s favorite memories of the miraculous and amazing ways God has provided for us in the past, along with ten lessons we’ve learned about approaching Him in prayer about our needs.

I’ve provided an outline of those important lessons, along with my listener’s lovely letter in its entirety, below today’s show notes, but you’ll need to listen in to hear details of our personal anecdotes, as it’s too much to fit into a single blog post. Enjoy!

Show NotesVERSES CITED:“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:19“… you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” – James 4:2-3“For with God nothing shall be impossible.” – Luke 1:37“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” – Matthew 7:11“He who is gracious to a poor man lends to the LORD, And He will repay him for his good deed.” – Proverbs 19:17“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” – Luke 6:38“May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands.” – Psalm 90:17“…there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”  – 2 Corinthians 12:7-9“Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits…” – Psalm 103:2“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” – Matthew 7:7“Not my will, but thine be done.” – Luke 22:42“Naked I came into this world. Naked I shall depart. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”  – Job 1:21 “For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?” – 1 Corinthians 4:7“Once I was young, and now I am old, but I have never seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.” – Psalm 37:25BOOKS MENTIONED:George Muller: The Guardian of Bristol’s Orphans – a biography of this great man of faithGladys Aylward: The Adventure of a Lifetime – another favorite missionary biographyM Is for Mama – a book by my dear friend (the mom of 10 who took my daughter to Europe)The Long Winter – all the Little House books are great, but this describes an especially hard timeMary Emma and Company – ditto for the Little Britches books — they’re all great (see especially Little Britches, Man of the Family, and Shaking the Nickel Bush)Belles on Their Toes – the sequel to Cheaper by the DozenGlad Tidings – a print copy of the Christmas letters my husband reads aloud each DecemberMORE RELATED LINKS:Raising Baby Squirrels: a video of the squirrels our daughter rehabilitatedSuccessful Garage Saling: tips for shopping or sellingPraying for Your Unborn Baby: prayers we pray from the moment we learn we’re expectingPraying for Your Friends: a free printable prayer guide for praying for friendsBe Careful What You Pray For: the story of our selling the first house we builtTraveling Europe: a few pics from my daughter’s trip to Europe with family friends (Bonus: Info on how we’ve flown to Europe for FREE with our big family three different times) Q: Any stories of God’s provision?

The idea for this week’s podcast came from the following letter I received from a listener. It is so thoughtful and well articulated, I wanted to reprint the whole thing before answering.

Dear Mrs. Flanders,

Surely, in your years of raising a large family, you have seen examples of God’s provision. In these times of inflation and debt and shortages, raising a large family feels like signing up for a future of poverty. Do you have any current posts on your website, or would you consider a post at some point, regarding God’s provision? Especially with personal testimony of how God has provided for your family in the past? Or any similar stories from friends, history, etc?

I know the “health and wealth” gospel is a lie, and that God does not guarantee us a comfortable house or a full pantry. But he does tell us to not worry about tomorrow, and that he knows what we need. He also told his people so many times in the OT to continually retell the stories of his faithfulness to the next generation so they would not forget him. I think it is helpful to continue this practice as a community of Christians. Rather than to communally bemoan the current government and predict a miserable future, to collectively retell our stories of God’s faithfulness and provision. To bolster each other with God’s sufficiency, not ours. 

Personally, I am pregnant with a fifth child I was not feeling ready for yet. And trying to figure out how to fit a fifth child in our house and car feels impossible in the human economy we live in. I know God’s economy is unlimited. But i can’t see his future provision today. It is so easy to become fearful and discouraged. Surely I am not the only one bearing this burden, and so I wondered if you might be willing to employ your social media presence to be a reminder to us all. To help us turn our eyes to God. To encourage us to tell our stories in comments. To remember them ourselves and to read each other’s.

…I think we need it.

Thank you, always, for sharing your faith with the public…God has made it fruitful. As a mom of a conspicuously “large family” for my area, It helps me to know there are other large families working faithfully at their God-given tasks, even if they are far away.

Well, I think this listener’s idea is a great one, and what better time to share a few instances of God’s faithful provision than the week of Thanksgiving.

A: Yes… and I’m happy to share!

The answer is, yes, our family has countless such stories I could recount – far too many to fit in a 20-minute podcast – but I’ll share a few of my favorites along with some of the lessons I’ve learned over the years. I hope they’ll be an encouragement for when you, too, might be facing difficult times.

Thankfully, we serve a God who is interested in the details of our life. We will never face a problem too great (or too small) for Him to handle. We will never experience a need that His riches in glory are insufficient to meet.

I’m not just saying this theoretically. I can back it up with personal anecdotes and, even more importantly, I can back it up with Scripture, starting with this reassuring promise:

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:19

But our family also has stories, dating back decades — miraculous answers to prayer — which I’ll share along with ten important lessons God has taught us along the way.

1. Be willing to ask

As James 4:2 explains so succinctly, “You do not have because you do not ask.”

I’m not suggesting you pray for a Lamborghini. Again, God is not a genie in the bottle. And James goes on to explain, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.”

But, if your requests are not rooted in selfish pride or ambition, you needn’t be afraid to pray big prayers.

Also, You don’t need to understand how God could answer your prayer in order to pray. He fed the children of Israel with manna from heaven for 40 years in the wilderness. Who would’ve seen that coming? With God, nothing is impossible.

An example of this principle in action is a story that served as a turning point in my daughter Rebekah’s prayer life. She and her sister rescued two baby squirrels that had fallen from their nest and brought them home to take care of until they were old enough to release.

Since their eyes were not even open at the time, this entailed feeding them every two hours, round the clock. Unfortunately, the little boy squirrel died. Worried that Miss Suzy (the remaining squirrel) would not develop properly without a companion, Rebekah begged God for a miracle.

Less than 24 hours later, a small cardboard box mysteriously appeared on our doorstep with a replacement inside — another little boy squirrel, whom we named Oliver. We later learned that a neighbor’s dog had carried the tiny thing home in his mouth, and not knowing what else to do with it, the neighbor brought it to us.

In reality, she was only making the delivery; the package came from God in direct answer to our daughter’s prayer.

2. Be open to secondhand blessings

Back when we first got married, my husband and I were both poor college students. But at least we had jobs while we were in college. Soon after that, my husband quit his jobs (he’d been working three at the time) to start medical school, and I quit my job to stay home and care for a rapidly growing number of young children. So we were even poorer (at least by earthly standards).

One of the ways God provided for us most often during those lean years was through garage sales. The clothes we wore, the books we read, the furniture we sat on, the gifts we gave… almost everything came from garage sales, yard sales, tag sales, or thrift stores.

Once you get past any hang-ups about using things that previously belonged to something else, owning second hand is a huge money-saver.

As I reminded my husband when he wrinkled his nose at some glassware I thrifted, if you eat out at restaurants, you are drinking out of cups somebody else has used. Ditto for bedsheets if you stay in hotels. So what’s the difference bringing them home to use here?

Another instance of God’s provision: I used to keep a running list of the things our family needed so I’d remember what I was looking for when shopping garage sales. We’d go garage sale hunting every Saturday morning, and I’d pray over my list before we ever set out.

One week, we noticed a sign that read “Sale of the Century” — and that was no exaggeration. I found just about everything on my list at that one sale, including a new winter coat for my 4-year-old son that was in mint condition for only 50-cents.

3. Be specific in your requests

Don’t be afraid to offer up detailed prayers. The nice thing about being specific in your requests is that you’ll be more likely to recognize the answer as God’s gracious provision when it so perfectly lines up with what you asked for.

That was definitely the case with my garage sale shopping list. I was constantly amazed by how faithfully God directed me to sales that had exactly what I was looking for.

After seeing how quickly God answered so many of my prayers, my mother decided to start praying specifically over our Saturday morning shopping trips, as well. One of the first things she prayed was some Desert Rose dishes.

She already had a small set, but knew the number of place settings she had would be insufficient to keep up with our rapidly growing family. “I’m not in a hurry,” she told the Lord, “but I’d love to find some more dishes in that same pattern at a garage sale for a good price someday.”

The very next week as we were following signs, we ended up far away from home. But one of the garage sales we stopped at had a huge collection of the china my mother had prayed for, including lots of serving pieces, like divided vegetable bowls, all for $1 a piece (which was a small fraction of what the set would’ve cost new).

4. Be generous with others

You can never out-give God. Be generous. Share freely with others. Be a channel of blessing. Be the hands and feet of Jesus when it comes to meeting the needs of others.

The Bible directs us, “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” – Luke 6:38

I’m so grateful God taught me this lesson early in our marriage: Although we both had jobs when we first wed, Doug and I were both poor college students. However, once he started medical school, his course work was all consuming and he hadn’t time for an outside job.

And since I had left my job to stay home with a new baby by that time, we were living on school loans. So when my husband came in one evening and told me he felt led by God to pay two month’s rent for an elderly neighbor who was about to be evicted, I feared we’d soon be in the same boat.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

Within a few days of receiving our check for the neighbor’s rent, we got a call from the front office offering to cut our own rent in half if we’d be willing to answer phone calls three nights a week (which they’d transfer to our home).

We agreed, and paid half rent for the next five years we lived there — beautifully illustrating the truth of Proverbs 19:17, “He who is gracious to a poor man lends to the LORD, And He will repay him for his good deed.”

Please note: Generosity is not limited to giving money. When our firstborn was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at 22 months and had to spend a week at Children’s Medical Center, I had one sweet friend who sent us a check to help pay for medical expenses. But I had another friend who really wanted to help us out, too, but her family was living on a shoestring budget, just like we were at the time, and they weren’t in a position to give financially.

However, while Doug and I were at the hospital with Jonathan, she and her husband and their two young children came and cleaned our entire apartment – better than it had ever been cleaned before — and even left a huge container of six-week, bran muffin mix in our refrigerator and a beautiful Easter lily on our coffee table.

I cannot tell you what a wonderful blessing it was to come home to a clean house, good food, and that beautiful reminder of God’s love for us. And I still thing of that precious friend every time I see an Easter lily…

5. Be proactive by praying early

Don’t wait to pray until you’re desperate. Prayer should be our first response, not a last resort. So just side-step all the anxiety and pray early.

Keep working and doing what you can on your end to meet your needs while trusting God to bless the labor of your hands and to provide for your needs just as He promised he would.

A good example of this principle in action is something that happened to my daughter in dental school. Dental students are required to collect a full set of extracted teeth, which they use in demonstrating their clinical skills when they take their finals.

My daughter had tried and tried, without success, to collect the teeth she needed for this requirement, but had only found three that met the specifications by finals week. Fearing she was going to fail if she didn’t fulfill that requirement, she (finally) prayed that God would miraculously provide the dozens of teeth she still needed.

And He came through. When she went to her desk the next morning, she found a full set of teeth neatly arranged and waiting for her there, a gift from her brother who was also a dental student. He had managed to collect to full complements of teeth, the second of which he left on his sister’s desk so she could have first dibs on any teeth she still needed, but never dreaming she’d need them all!

6. Be alert for unexpected answers

God may not always answer your prayers in the way you anticipate — but that doesn’t mean He’s not answering at all.

Sometimes God gives you exactly what you ask for (as He did with Mom’s desert rose dishes)Sometimes God gives you grace to do without what you ask for (as He did with Paul’s thorn in the flesh)Sometimes God gives you something better than you asked for (I prayed Hancock’s would put the $25/yard Waverly fabric I wanted on sale at half price, but instead God led me to a garage sale that had a full, forty-yard bolt of that exact same pattern for $10 — which translates to 25 cents a yard!)Sometimes God gives you resourceful ideas for getting what you ask for

One resourceful idea that led to unexpected answers happened when my father died and my mother asked me to make the arrangements for his funeral. Having heard funeral can be extremely expensive and knowing my mother would be living on a fixed income, I wanted to keep the cost down as much as possible.

So I looked up an online supplier that would overnight the casket of your choice directly to the funeral home for a fraction of the normal retail price. I printed out three options I thought looked nice and took those papers with me to meet with the funeral director.

When he showed me a casket that was the same make and model as one that I’d seen online, I told him my plan to have one shipped to them overnight.

Not only did the director offer to match the online price, but he also told me I could save another $10K by having my father, who happened to be a US veteran, buried in the national cemetery for free. I didn’t even know that was an option, but it’s definitely one we exercised.

7. Don’t forget to thank God for His provision

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Never forget to say thank you — and feel it.

A beautiful, historical example of this principle in action: George Muller was always so confident that the Lord would provide, that he would offer thanks even before he had the provision in hand.

He’d have hundreds hungry orphans sit down around the breakfast table with empty plates and not so much as a morsel in his pantry, and lead them all in prayer saying, “Lord, thank you for the food we are about to receive.”

Then, no sooner did the words leave his mouth than he’d hear a knock knock knock at his door, and a man would explain his milk cart turned over on the street outside, and the milk would spoil before the wagon could be repaired, could he use it?

Or a delivery truck from the bakery would drop off dozens of loaves of day old bread that needed to be moved out of the shop so they’d have room for the fresh stuff

8. Be persistent in prayer

Ask and keep on asking. Some prayers are not answered overnight. I’m pretty sure it was George Muller who prayed his entire adult life for five unsaved friends daily by name and died without seeing a single one come to faith. But after he was gone and buried, all five men became Christians.

A personal example: My husband and I have prayed from the day we found out we were expecting that God would draw each of our children to Himself from an early age, and He has been so faithful to answer that prayer.

But we’ve also prayed that He would provide godly spouses for each of our children. He’s given us five wonderful daughters-in-law so far, but we’re still waiting – and still trusting and praying– for Him to send appropriate husbands for our adult daughters (as well as spouses for our younger children when the time comes). But that hasn’t happened yet.

9. Remain open-handed with God’s blessings

Cling to Jesus, not to things, during difficult times. Let us say with Jesus, “Not my will, but thine be done.” (Luke 22:42)

Sometimes God has a higher purpose for withholding something we’ve asked for, and we need to trust His goodness in that. As John Newton once observed…

“Everything is needful that he sends, nothing is needful that he withholds.”

John Newton

Something I’ve had to hold with an open hand is my house. We built a big beautiful house 20 years ago which was absolutely perfect for our large family and such a blessing the entire time we lived in it.

But a time came when I realized my husband was wanting to sell it. Even though I didn’t want to move, I especially didn’t want to put our house on the market, since doing so would mean trying to keep our home show ready despite the fact we had 13 people living in it at the time.

It would also mean having our homeschool lessons disrupted and having to vacate the premises every time a realtor wanted to show the house.

So I started praying that if God really wanted us to sell the house, He would just bring a buyer to our doorstep and not make us put it on the market. Which is exactly what He did.

Without our ever even putting a sign in the yard, a man showed up one evening and offered to write us a check for our house if we could be out the following weekend — and we agreed. (Fortunately, his wife objected to that time table, and we ended up getting a couple of months to move.)

10. Be quick to give God glory

Whether God is providing in big, miraculous, ways when you are in a pickle you have no idea how to get out of, or in small steady ways by giving you a steady, reliable job and the good health and strength to do that job, we need to recognize the fact that everything we have comes from His hand. The air we breath. The food we eat. The roof over our heads.

What do I have that God hasn’t given me?

I love reading missionary biographies of great men and women of faith, like George Muller and Gladys Aylward. And I love hearing the stories of missionaries we know personally – stories of God’s miraculous provision and intervention, stories I can’t share here because it might compromise their work and safety.

And I love reading historical accounts that demonstrate God’s faithfulness to families, like the Little House books, the Little Britches series, and Cheaper by the Dozen books.

I also love the truth of scripture, “Once I was young, and now I am old, but I have never seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.” – Psalm 37:25

I’d encourage you to write down your own stories, too.

I’ve done that – in the form of the yearly Christmas letters we send to family and friends — and we re-read all those stories aloud to our children every year, beginning at Thanksgiving and continuing right through December and into the new year, so that they will remember the faithfulness and mercy and grace God has poured out upon us from the very beginning.

Another recent miraculous provision: My daughter agreed to travel to Europe last summer with some family friends to help watch their ten children.

Unfortunately, she realized the week before they were supposed to leave that her passport had expired. We found out we get a new one expedited by going to a regional passport office in person, but the only office that would grant us an appointment was in Hawaii.

I accepted that appointment, then called my mother, explained the situation, and asked her to pray that we could get a new passport without having to fly to Hawaii to do it.

As soon as I got off the phone with my mother, I re-dialed the regional office to ask if there might possibly have been any cancellations closer to home. They told me, yes, an appointment just opened up in Dallas (nearly 2 hours away) if I could get there by 10 AM.

I looked at my watch; it was a little after 8 AM. So I booked that appointment, grabbed my daughter and all the paperwork, then sped to Dallas.

Thanks to God’s mercy and grace, she had her updated passport in hand by Friday afternoon — just in time to fly out on Monday.

The post EP 19: Amazing Stories of God’s Provision first appeared on Loving Life at Home.

The post EP 19: Amazing Stories of God’s Provision appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 18: How Does Your Husband Spell RESPECT?

This week on the Loving Life at Home Podcast, we are talking about a topic that is vital to marriage: Respect. Here is how my husband spells RESPECT. There’s a good chance yours spells it the same way.

Today’s episode is taken from a blog post I wrote nearly ten years ago. You may read that original article in its entirety below the show notes.

Show NotesSCRIPTURES CITED:“Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the king.” – 1 Peter 2:7  “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.”  – Romans 12:10“The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – 1 Corinthians 7:3-5“For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, slanderers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy….” – 2 Timothy 3:2“…He fell facedown at Jesus’ feet in thanksgiving to Him—and he was a Samaritan.” – Luke 17:16 “Do not let any unwholesome speech come out of [our] mouths, but only what is good for building others up, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29“But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. “ – Colossians 3:8“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” – Proverbs 21:19“When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise.” – Proverbs 10:19“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” – Philippians 4:6“Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.” – Matthew 18:19-20“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things” –  Philippians 4:8“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:24“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” – James 1:2-3“Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” – Matthew 5:11-12RELATED LINKS:31 Bible Verses to Pray over Your Husband – a pretty (and free) printable prayer guidePraying for Your Husband from Head to Toe – another free printable prayer guideEP 12: Are You Married to a Problem Solver? – if so, this episode will help you understand and appreciate how your husband’s brain is wired30-Day Respect Challenge – nurture you marriage with this free email seriesLove Your Husband/ Love Yourself – details all the blessings we reap by embracing God’s purpose for passion in marriage25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband – a companion book to 25 Ways to Show Love to Your WifeHow Does Your Husband Spell Respect?

Every man craves respect. I think that deep desire to be well-esteemed by family, friends, and foe alike is hardwired into the Y-chromosome. The vast majority of men value respect even over love.

One of the most powerful things you can do to build up your man and strengthen your marriage is to shower your husband with the respect and admiration he so longs for.

The details may differ from family to family, but the underlining principles remain the same. Here’s how my husband spells respect. And there’s a good chance yours spells it this way, too:

R = Respond Physically

Of all your husband’s needs, this is the one that only you can legitimately address. If you pour all your energies into being a good wife in every other way, but marginalize or neglect the area of physical intimacy, then you have failed.

God designed this one-flesh union to be uniquely characteristic of marriage. Your husband will never feel completely respected as long as you habitually turn him down or slap him away when he tries to get physically close.

E = Express Sincere Thanks

Be grateful for the many things — big and little — your husband does for you, and thank him every time. Show him that you appreciate him in whatever way speaks most clearly to him.

Don’t take your husband for granted and don’t saddle him with expectations. Expectations lead only to discontent. If your husband preforms well, he’ll get no special acknowledgement or show of gratitude, because he was only doing what you expected. If he doesn’t, you’ll feel slighted and angry, and he won’t know why.

“There is no such thing as gratitude unexpressed. If it is unexpressed, it is plain, old-fashioned ingratitude.” – Robert Brault

S = Silence Can Be Golden

“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I’m not advocating giving your husband a cold shoulder, but neither should you give him a piece of your mind. Sometimes it’s better to just keep your mouth shut.

The ability to hold our tongue is an underutilized skill for many of us. Yet, the Bible tells us we should “not let any unwholesome speech come out of [our] mouths, but only what is good for building others up, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)

So next time you are tempted to nag, argue, gripe, or belittle, keep these verses in mind: Proverbs 21:19, Philippians 4:8, Colossians 3:8

“Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.” – Harlan Miller

P = Pray with and for Him

Prayer is key to a strong marriage. Don’t wait until your marriage is in trouble to pray. By faithfully bringing your husband to the Throne of Grace — even when things are going well — you can head off a lot of problems before they ever arise.

Don’t just stop at praying for your husband. If he is willing, make it a daily habit to pray with him, as well. Couples who regularly pray together are far less likely to divorce.

E = Emphasize His Good Points

Just as you would rather he dwell on your most praiseworthy attributes than to focus his attention on all your flaws, your husband will also feel better loved and respected when you are expressing admiration instead of fault-finding and nit-picking.

Focus your attention on those traits that first attracted you to your husband. Emphasize his most noble features.

If you will make your default attitude one of warm approval and respect, then on the rare occasion you do need to discuss a concern, your husband will be far more likely to take it to heart.

C = Choose Joy

What does being joyful have to do with communicating respect?

More than you might think!

A smiling, jovial wife announces to the world, “My husband knows how to make me happy!” But a sour, malcontent wife broadcasts the opposite message. A wife who shames her husband “is as rottenness in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:24)

Choose to cultivate a happy, joyful attitude, regardless of your circumstances. In fact, the Bible tells us we should rejoice, even in the midst of trials and tribulations, knowing that God uses difficult circumstances to teach us patience, to build our endurance, and to mold us into the character of Christ. (James 1:2-3; Matthew 5:11-12)

T = Take His Advice

Undoubtedly you’ve already noticed that your husband tends to look at things differently than you. His unique perspective, together with the way most men’s brains are wired for problem solving, offers you a unique opportunity to get “outside the box” when looking at problems or challenges.

Listen to your husband. Hear what he is saying to you. Don’t get defensive or discount his opinion, but try to see things from his perspective and honor his wishes. God will greatly bless you when you do.

Need some practice to help this all sink in? Then sign up for my 30-Day Respect Challenge. You’ll receive helpful tips and reminders delivered straight to your inbox, every day for a month.

Invest in your marriage. Take the 30-Day Respect Challenge!

Give your husband something he will really appreciate. Give him RESPECT! And if you really want to get specific, ask him how he’d like you to spell it.

The post EP 18: How Does Your Husband Spell RESPECT? first appeared on Loving Life at Home.

The post EP 18: How Does Your Husband Spell RESPECT? appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 17: The ABCs of Homeschooling Success

Homeschooling will look different from family to family, depending on aptitudes and personalities, number and spacing of children, teaching and learning styles, work and family responsibilities, and a whole host of other considerations. But there are a few general principles we should all adhere to if we want our children to thrive under our instructions. I call these the ABCs of Homeschooling Success, and that’s our topic for this week’s podcast.

Show NotesSCRIPTURES CITED: “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.” – Proverbs 16:18 “He resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” – James 4:6“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; But we will remember the name of the LORD our God.” – Psalm 20:7“You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” – Deuteronomy 11:19“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” – Philippians 4:6“And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:19“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31“O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.” – Psalm 119:97“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.” – Psalm 1:1-3“But the word of the LORD was unto them precept upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.” – Isaiah 28:13RELATED LINKS:Episode 1 – How to Find a Good MentorEpisode 9 – The Best Way to Respond to Negative CommentsEpisode 16 – 5 Tips for Gospel Centered Parenting9 Benefits of Reading FictionRaising Kids Who Love to Read 50 Chapter Books to Read Aloud to Your FamilyMore Free Resources for Readers ABCs of Homeschooling SuccessA is for ATTITUDE

Attitude will make or break your homeschool. Maintaining the proper attitude is vitally important, so cultivate an attitude of Humility, Understanding, Gratitude, and Endurance. It will make a HUGE difference!

HumilityProverbs 16:18 warns us, “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.” There is no room for pride in your homeschooling endeavor. Pride is enormously offensive to God.

James 4:6 reminds us, “He resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” As a 30+ year homeschooling veteran, let me assure those of you who are just starting out, you are going to need all the grace you can get. So put to death your pride from the outset.UnderstandingUnderstand the limits of homeschooling: Homeschooling is a tool. It’s not a guarantee. If you view homeschooling as a recipe — “If I mix together family devotions and read alouds, field trips and Christian co-ops, craft projects and homeschool sports, etc, then I can expect such-and-such an outcome.” — then you are putting your faith in homeschooling.

And if you put your faith in anything other than God, you are bound to be disappointed. We need to declare with the Psalmist, “Some trust in chariots, some trust in horses, but we will remember the name of our God…” (Psalm 20:7) We need to put our trust always and only, wholly and solely, in God.

Can God use homeschooling to develop in our children a heart for His Word and a love for learning? Absolutely! But He is the Prime Mover.

I homeschool my kids as a way to be obedient to God’s command to “teach them as we sit in our house, as we walk in the way, when we lie down, and when we rise up.” (Deuteronomy 11:19) But I look to Him to change their hearts and draw each one to Himself, because He alone can do either.GratitudeIt is a privilege to train up and teach your children. A privilege parents in other parts of the world are denied. Never forget that.

“Rejoce always, and in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6)

That’s our job: to rejoice and be grateful, on good days and bad, when our kids are gathered round us, hanging on every word of a math or history lesson, and when we find ourselves questioning whether they will ever learn to read or spell.EnduranceHomeschooling is a big undertaking. It’s not for the faint hearted. But those whom God calls, He also equips. And He will supply your every need when it comes to teaching your children, as well.

“They that wait upon on the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount upon wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary; they will run and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

So work hard, draw on His strength, and entrust Him with the results.  B is for BOOKS 

Give your children a love for reading, beginning with THE BOOK: the Bible, God’s Word. May we proclaim with the Psalmist, “Oh, how I love thy law! It is my meditation all day long.”  (Psalm 119:97)

May the words of Psalm 1:1-3 be true of us: “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful, but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in that law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that brings forth its fruit in its season, His leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he does will prosper.”

Isn’t that what we all want for ourselves and our children? To be blessed by God in this way? It all starts with making His Word foundational to everything else we do — reading it, memorizing it, meditating upon it, hiding its truth in our heart, and examining everything else we encounter in the light of Biblical truth.

So start with THE BOOK, and from there expand to other worthwhile and well-written books. From the time they are babies, read to your children daily. And keep on reading. Kids never get too old to be read to. 

Let them see YOU reading. Set the example. Discuss the books you read. Listen to audiobooks together as you fold clothes or travel in the car.  

Read fiction! There are lots of great lessons to be learned by reading fiction. Even Jesus used storytelling in the form of parables to capture the hearts and imaginations of His listeners and drive home deep spiritual truths.

C is for CONSISTENCY

My mother always told me the hardest part of parenting is consistency, and it’s one of the hardest parts of homeschooling, as well. But we need to keep plugging away at it, day after day, week after week, month after month.

As Isaiah 28:13 tells us, “precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line, here a little, there a little.”That’s a great description of homeschooling — as is the injunction to teach when you get up, lie down, sit at home, or walk along the way (Deuteronomy 11:19)!

For me, this consistency was most easily obtained by schooling year-round. When my kids were little, we did “lessons” four days a week all year long, and used Fridays for field trips and play dates at the park, etc. Later we went to 5-day school weeks, but took a break in the summer from everything except math and reading, which gives kids time to pursue other areas of interest/ work on craft projects/ read for fun/ etc.

I’d encourage you not to try to duplicate classroom instruction. That’s the beauty of homeschooling. Kids don’t have to sit at a desk eight hours a day. So don’t try to make them sit at your kitchen table that long! 

Some book work is necessary, but we’ve tried to never let desk work comprise the majority of our homeschool day. We’ve also done weekly co-ops and field trips and art projects and life skills and sports, etc.

But whether you attend co-ops or do all the teaching yourself, whether you use a boxed curriculum or online classes or video lessons or a hodge podge of all your favorites from a plethora of suppliers, consistency is still key.

So if you long to be successful in your homeschooling endeavors, just remember your ABCs — Attitude. Books. Consistency. Cultivate an attitude of humility, understanding, gratitude, and endurance. Instill in your children a love for books, beginning with the Bible. And keep consistently plugging away at lessons, looking to God for the strength and grace you need that He has promised to supply.

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The post EP 17: The ABCs of Homeschooling Success first appeared on Loving Life at Home.

The post EP 17: The ABCs of Homeschooling Success appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 16: 5 Tips for Gospel-Centered Parenting

Today I’m fielding questions about gospel-centered parenting since I frequently hear from mamas who have many of the same questions I had as a young mother. They want to know…

How do I pass on my faith to my children?How can I be sure I’m training my children in the way they should go?  What does it mean to bring them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord?How can I protect my children from bad, soul-crushing influences?Why do my kids sometimes act annoyed, even when I do my best not to exasperate them?Where do I find strength to continue when I’m frustrated or fatigued or feel like a failure? How can I ensure my children love and honor God their whole lives?Are there any guarantees my parenting efforts will ever be rewarded?

I get many more questions in that same vein, but this is a good start. And we’ll touch on all of them in this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home, so listen in.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the Truth.” – 3 John 1:4“Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes. And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt write them upon the door posts of thine house, and upon thy gates….” – Deuteronomy 11:18-20“All Scripture is inspired by God and beneficial for teaching, for rebuke, for correction, for training in righteousness….” – 2 Timothy 3:16“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” – Mark 10:14“For it is precept upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line, here a little, there a little.” – Isaiah 28:10 “Pray without ceasing.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:17 “Continue in prayer (some translations: “Devote yourselves to prayer”), being watchful and thankful.” – Colossians 4:2 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God.” – Philippians 4:6 “Let the little children come unto me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.“ – Matthew 19:14“And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.” – Luke 16:15“But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger….” – James 1:19 “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” – Galatians 6:9 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” – Matthew 11:28-29 “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:1-2 Related LinksPray Hardest When It’s Hardest to PrayPraying for Your Unborn ChildPraying for Your Children from Head to ToePraying for Your TeenPraying for Your Adult ChildrenHow to Handle Picky EatersSave Money by Cutting Hair at Home5 Tips for Gospel-Centered Parenting

Contrary to popular opinion, children are not born as blank slates. They come preloaded with a sin nature. One of our jobs as parents is to help curb our children’s impulsive expressions of sin as we point them to the only Hope and Remedy for what ails them: Jesus Christ.  

As Christian moms, we’d all like to raise godly children who love the Lord with all their heart and honor him in all they do. To see our little ones grow up to be responsible, caring adults who love and serve the LORD with their whole hearts. We long for “no greater joy than to hear that our children are walking in the truth.”  (3 John 1:4) Right?

The good news is, the Bible has a lot to say about raising children. And it has even more to say about living out your own faith in genuine, consistent way – which is foundational to gospel-centered parenting and is one of the very best things we can do as parents to point our children to Jesus.

1. Provide an example.

Practice what you preach.

My husband did his residency at Parkland Hospital in Dallas. It was a county hospital, and he got a TON of experience. He saw everything there.

The mantra of his training program was “See one. Do one. Teach one.”

That’s because they knew, you can’t teach it until you learn it yourself. And if you haven’t learned it well enough to teach it, you haven’t learned it well enough.

Even Deuteronomy 11:18-23, one of my favorite parenting passages, bears this out. First: You must store up God’s Word in your own heart and soul. Then: You teach it to your children. Because you cannot pass on what you do not yourself possess.

“First: You must store up God’s Word in your own heart and soul. Then: You teach it to your children. You cannot pass on what you do not yourself possess.”

Jennifer Flanders

Root yourself in the Word of God. It is “profitable for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” ( 2 Timothy 3:16) So read your Bible. Memorize it. Meditate on it. Put it into practice. Examine everything you read or hear or see or read (whether in books or blogs or sermons or podcasts or on social media or the Internet) in light of God’s eternal, infallible word. 

Consider the fruit of the Spirit — Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control. — and take stock: Are these evident in my life? In my daily interactions with my family? Do they see these qualities spilling over in my words and actions, whether I’m happy or stressed? Feeling rested or exhausted? On time or running late?

God’s Word and our service to Him should constantly at the forefront of our minds. Pouring over the word. Memorizing it. Meditating upon it. Discussing it. Weaving it into conversation. Encouraging with it. Praying it. Singing it. Applying it in our everyday lives. Building our lives upon it.

Again: We cannot pass on what we do not possess ourself. Sp let’s delight ourself in Him, and He will give us the desires of our heart.

2. Prepare the soil.

Nurture the things you want to grow.

When I first decided to start flower gardening, I ordered over 200 bulbs and perennials to plant in front of my house. Although we’re in Tyler now with sandy loam where I can bury my arm up to my elbow and grow almost anything, we were living in Mesquite back then in a house with a slab foundation resting on hard, black clay.

When my bulbs arrived, I went outside and chiseled a bunch of holes in the rock-hard ground, dropped a bulb into each one, and never gave them a second thought until the following spring when only six of them came up and only three bloomed.

Given what experience has since taught me about gardening, the surprising thing is not that 194 of those bulbs never came up, but that half a dozen of the 200 I planted showed any signs of life at all, given the neglect they’d suffered.

In the same way, planting the seeds of God’s Word in the hearts of our children is not a one and done proposition. We must do it over and over and over again.

We cultivate. We break up the fallow ground. Water and fertilize as needed. Pull weeds as soon as they come up. We don’t wait for them to grow big and take over. We nip them in the bud.

We want the Word of God implanted to have the best possible chance of taking root and bearing fruit.

Mark 10:14 tells us: “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”

So we bring our children to Christ.  Bring them to God’s Word. Bring them to the LORD in prayer. We don’t relinquish this duty to Sunday School or Vacation Bible School or youth programs or private Christian schools. 

All those things have their place, but they’re a poor substitute for godly parents living out their faith and discussing it with their children day in, day out, as they sit in their house, as they walk in the way, when they lie down, and when they rise up. (Deuteronomy 11:19)

We must teach them “precept upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line, here a little, there a little.” (Isaiah 28:10) This idea is also repeated in Isaiah 28:13, but to no effect — the children of Israel ignored all that good teaching and hardened their hearts.

Which is a good reminder to us, because apart from God’s grace, nothing else we do will have the desired effect. Which is why we must pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.

3. Pray without ceasing.

Remember that parenting is a work of grace.

So we pray that God will soften our children’s hearts. Pray He will draw them to Himself from an early age. Pray that He will fortify them against temptation. And pray that He will give us wisdom as we raise them.

As wonderful as it would be to see our children walking in the truth and never straying from the narrow way we’ve pointed them to, I have to warn you, if you make that your GOAL, you are setting yourself up for frustration.

That’s because what our children do once they leave our home is completely out of our control.

So I make it a matter of prayer, yes. I beg God to draw my children to faith and keep them on the straight and narrow.

But my goal is simply to honor God in the way I raise my children. To be obedient to the scriptures that tell me how to instruct him.

I pray God will use my life as a means of grace to draw my children unto himself, that He will graciously make up for my lack, and that He will not let me be a stumbling block or hinderance to them in any way.

But I can’t make my kids Christians any more than I can make the sun rise or the grass grow. There is no failsafe formula. No recipe I can carefully follow, combining all the right ingredients — homeschooling, weekly church attendance, regular Bible reading, and family devotions — in a specified amount for a guaranteed result.

We simply must do our part faithfully, obediently discharging our duties as parents while praying on behalf of our children and entrusting the results to God.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 – “Pray without ceasing.”Colossians 4:2 – “Continue in prayer (some translations: “Devote yourselves to prayer”), being watchful and thankful.”Philippians 4:6 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God.”

I love what my dear friend Abbie Halberstadt says: “Prayer should be our frontline defense against Satan’s schemes, not our last resort.”

Don’t wait until you’re desperate. Pray now. Pray for God’s strength, comfort, wisdom, and grace. And pray that He will bring to completion the good work He began in your children when He placed them in your Christian home.

4. Pick your battles.

Be strategic and pay attention!

Don’t view spiritual training as behavior modification. The heart is so much more important. Let’s not get bogged down in things that don’t really matter.

Our utmost concern should not be what others think of us or our children, but where each of us stand individually before God. The heart must be our primary concern.

There is no room for arrogance in gospel-centered parenting. No room for pridefully asserting or even entertaining the thought, “My child would never do that!”

[I saw a funny meme on Instagram: “As soon as I say, ‘My child would never,’ here he comes nevering like he’s never nevered before.”]

Remember that verse, “Let the little children come unto me and do not hinder them?“ How do we hinder them?

One big way is by failing to practice what we preach and live lives of integrity. But another is by being more concerned with outward behavior than heart issues.

“If you’re picking your battles based on what the neighbors might thing, you’re probably picking the wrong battles.”

Jennifer Flanders

If you’re picking your battles based on what the neighbors might think, you’re probably picking the wrong battles. Don’t let your own pride dictate what issues get addressed in your children, or you’ll end up spending all your time just whitewashing tombs – both theirs and your own.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. Behavior modification is not enough in and of itself. We’ve got to prioritize heart issues.

Luke 16:15 – “And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.”

The Bible is clear about some issues: no stealing, lying, cheating – those things should not be tolerated. Instead, we must deal with them swiftly, consistently, and decisively.

But in matters of taste and opinion? What they eat. The clothes they wear. How they style their hair. What electives they take in school.

There is a lot of leeway and room for grace in matters such as these. Especially as our children move closer and closer to adulthood.

We need to provide a listening ear. To be fully present when our children try to engage with us. I have a friend, a significantly older woman whose son is my age, who once told me her biggest regret was not being more available to listen when her son wanted to talk.

Good communication is so key! So listen. Let them ask questions. Respond, don’t react, to the things your children tell you. Remember James 1:19 – “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;

This is especially important as our kids reach their teen years. We need to anticipate their questions. It’s part of a natural process many kids go through while making their parents’ faith their own.

Don’t feel threatened by this or act overly defensive. Answer their questions to the best of your ability, and when you don’t know the answer, admit it and then search for it together. Faith that can’t stand up to scrutiny is not worth having.

5. Persist in well-doing

Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.

We must fix our eyes on the finish line, not on what everyone else is doing. And we should not grow weary:

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” – Galatians 6:9 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” – Matthew 11:28-29 “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:1-2

We can faithfully do all these things as parents, but they will be fruitless apart from God’s blessing. There is no guarantee. No recipe that promises if you put in all the right amounts of the right ingredients, you’ll get the desired result.

Godly parenting is often the means of grace God uses to draw children unto Himself. But our children still have free will. That means they might reject everything we’ve tried to teach them.

I like what the editor of WORLD magazine, Joel Belz, had to say about God’s purposes not being dependent upon our actions. “As soon as you start thinking God needs [your] effort to achieve His ends, you’ve quit being faithful.”

So why even bother?

Because the reverse is also true: If we view God’s ability to accomplish His purposes independent of our effort as an excuse for ignoring His commands, we’re being unfaithful as well.

“If we view God’s ability to accomplish His purposes independent of our effort as an excuse for ignoring His commands, we’re being unfaithful….”

Jennifer Flanders

And that is why I do what I do in parenting my children. I do it because God’s commanded me to. I do it to be obedient. To steward well the responsibility He gave me when He entrusted me with these 12 eternal souls. I do it because I want to run with endurance the race set before me. And because I long to hear, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant” when I reach the finish line.

And I encourage you to do the same.  Fulfill your parenting responsibilities cheerfully and consistently. Bathe all your efforts in fervent prayer. Then leave the results to God.

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The post EP 16: 5 Tips for Gospel-Centered Parenting first appeared on Loving Life at Home.

The post EP 16: 5 Tips for Gospel-Centered Parenting appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 15: Is Having Babies a Waste of Time?

In this week’s episode, I’m tackling another question sent in by a listener: Is having babies a waste of time? Should Christian couples skip having kids to focus on sharing the gospel?

That’s certainly not a question I hear every day, but it’s one that definitely deserves some discussion and some deep digging into God’s Word.

You can read my listener’s original message and my response to it below this week’s show notes. (Scroll down)

Show NotesVERSES CITED: “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.” – Psalm 127:3-5“Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4“Now people were even bringing their babies to Jesus for Him to place His hands on them. And when the disciples saw this, they rebuked those who brought them. But Jesus called the children to Him and said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them! For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” – Luke 18:15-16“You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up.” – Deuteronomy 11:18-19 ““Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” – Mark 10:15“So God created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and every creature that crawls upon the earth.’” Genesis 1:27-28“Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.’” – Genesis 9:1 “This is what the LORD of Hosts, the God of Israel, says to all the exiles who were carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon: ‘Build houses and settle down. Plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters. Take wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Multiply there; do not decrease.'” – Jeremiah 29:4-6“Then Jesus came to them and said, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: and teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” – Matthew 28:18-20“Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.” – James 1:21“I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow.” – 1 Corinthians 3:6“Then Jesus declared, ‘i am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.'” – John 6:35“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and Samaria, and as far as the remotest part of the earth.” – Acts 1:8“…all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” – Romans 3:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 6:23 “If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.” – Romans 10:9-10“And they sang a new song, saying: “You are worthy to take the scroll, And to open its seals; For You were slain, And have redeemed us to God by Your blood Out of every tribe and tongue and people and nation.” – Revelation 5:9“But in fact, God has arranged the members of the body, every one of them, according to His design. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I do not need you.’ Nor can the head say to the feet, ‘I do not need you.'” – 1 Corinthians 12:18-21 Question: Should we skip having kids to further the gospel?

Hi, Jennifer,

My husband and I would like to have many kids, but I’ve heard something along the lines of “you shouldn’t spend your time raising kids but should spend your time evangelizing and building the church instead.” They say the creation mandate applies to fulfilling the Great Commission not having children.

My husband and I do try to show Christ wherever we are and my husband is known for his Christian influence at work. I was just wondering how you think through this.

I know the Bible says many great things about having children, but I also don’t want to be wasting my time if that ideology is indeed true. Thank you!

Answer: Let’s see what the Bible says

It’s obvious this listener and her husband want to do the right thing and use their time wisely, but they aren’t sure how to proceed.

Have you ever felt that tension? Like you only have a finite amount of time on the earth, and you want to be as wise as you can in the way that you spend it?

If you’re a believer, you probably want to use it in a way that honors God. But what is that kind of intentional, wise stewardship supposed to look like?

Does it require us to forgo having children for the sake of the gospel? Isn’t raising kids “a waste of time” when there’s a whole world of people out there who need Christ?

My first thought when I read this letter was, isn’t that just like the devil? To throw shade and cause us to question something God has so clearly shown in Scripture to be good and desirable, and then to sow seeds of doubt and confusion in its place?

That’s been his modus operandi from the beginning, and he’s still using it today BECAUSE IT’S SO EFFECTIVE!

I saw a meme on Instagram this week that contrasted the words of Christ with the words of Satan:

Jesus says: “God has said…” Satan says: “Has God said?”

It’s important that we recognize the difference.

So, I want to take this letter point-by-point and examine what God’s Word has to say about all these questions that are presently bouncing around inside this listener’s head — especially since, now that I’ve reprinted it here, some of those same questions may also be bouncing around inside your head, as well. ︎

Basically, there are 5 Biblical truths I’d like to acknowledge in

1. The Bible calls children a blessing from God

This listener writes, “My husband and I would like to have many kids….”

First of all, can we pause long enough to recognize what a rare statement this is? Not every couple can honestly say that having many children is something they desire.

Second, it is entirely reasonable that Bible-believing couples should want children. Scripture depicts children as a blessing from the Lord, so desiring children means desiring God’s blessing. That makes total sense.

“Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Psalm 127:3-5

My advice on this matter? Don’t be quick to discount or second guess your heart’s desire when it is so clearly aligned with God’s Word.

Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse can be taken two ways: When I delight myself in the LORD, He will grant the desires that are in my heart. Or when I delight myself in Him, He will place within my heart the desires He wants to reside there.

I think both are true. When we take delight in Him, He first transforms our desires to bring them into alignment with His own (not my will, but Thine be done) and He then fulfill those desires by giving us exactly what we’ve begun longing for as a result of spending time with Him.

So it is entirely possible that God is the One impressing on this couple’s heart the desire to have many children, and they should not be made to feel guilty for wanting that.

2. Having children opens new doors to evangelism

My lister continues: “I’ve heard something along the line of ‘you shouldn’t spend your time raising kids but should spend your time evangelizing and building the church instead.'”

This sounds super spiritual, but it reminds me a little of the disciples turning parents away when they tried to bring their children to Jesus, because they mistakenly thought Christ had more important things to do than interact with a bunch of kids.

Do you remember what Jesus did when he heard what the disciples were up to? He set them straight in a hurry: 

“Now people were even bringing their babies to Jesus for Him to place His hands on them. And when the disciples saw this, they rebuked those who brought them. But Jesus called the children to Him and said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them! For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”

Luke 18:15-16

We’ve got to recognize the fact that raising children and making disciples are NOT mutually exclusive activities. You don’t have to choose between having babies and building the church.

You can do both at once! You’d be hard-pressed to find a better opportunity for making disciples than the teaching-as-you-sit-and-walk-and-lie-down-and-rise-up responsibility that God has uniquely entrusted to parents. (Deuteronomy 11:18-19)

Furthermore, Jesus Himself observed, ““Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” (Mark 10:15) So the idea that time spent with children is time lost to kingdom-building clearly didn’t come from Christ.

3. Being fruitful and making disciples are not mutually exclusive

Here my listener’s letter gets a little technical. She writes, “[Some people] say the Creation Mandate applies to fulfilling the Great Commission, not to having children.”

What do all those words even mean?

Taking them in order, the “Creation Mandate” – which is sometimes called the “Cultural Mandate” or the “Dominion Mandate” – is found in the very first chapter of the Old Testament, where God is speaking to Adam and Eve:

“So God created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and every creature that crawls upon the earth.’” 

Genesis 1:27-28

God repeats this mandate after the flood, “Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.’” (Genesis 9:1)

Interestingly, this was still God’s message to His people, even during the Babylonian captivity:

Jeremiah 29:4-6 reads, “This is what the LORD of Hosts, the God of Israel, says to all the exiles who were carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon: ‘Build houses and settle down. Plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters. Take wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Multiply there; do not decrease.'"

In fact, it’s important to note that nowhere in Scripture do we see God rescind the instructions found in the Creation Mandate to be fruitful and multiply.

The Great Commission, on the other hand, is given in the first book of the New Testament, where Jesus is speaking to his disciples:

“Then Jesus came to them and said, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: and teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Matthew 28:18-20

I guess the question we need to ask is, are these two mandates – The Creation Mandate and the Great Commission – at all related?  I believe a good argument can be made that they are.

Both are clearly spelled out in Scripture, as noted above.Both define our responsibility to the world around us: first to populate it, then to evangelize it. Both describe an ongoing work: We are to subdue the earth, cultivate the ground, plant gardens, and eat the fruit. But we are also to plant the Word of God in people’s hearts, water it, and reap a harvest.Both are cooperative efforts: We know it takes a man and a woman to make a baby – in addition to God, who opens and closes the womb. Similarly, in reference to the Word implanted, which is able to save souls (James 1:21) , Paul says, “I planted the seed, Apollos watered, but God made it grow.” (1 Corinthians 3:6)Both are dependent upon God’s blessing our efforts

So clearly there are a lot of parallels between the two. But I see no indication that Jesus meant for us to completely set aside the Creation Mandate when He gave us the Great Commission, any more than He meant for us to completely give up eating physical food when He called us to partake of the Bread of Life.

When Jesus declared in John 6:35, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty,” He was not commanding us to stop filling our bellies , but was emphasizing the fact that physical food alone will never satisfy the deepest longings of our hearts.

Likewise, when He commands us to make disciples, He’s not abolishing the old mandate, but rather expanding it. Whereas the original command was concerned with physical goals: having babies, planting gardens, eating the produce, the new command adds spiritual goals on top of the other: living out the gospel, making disciples, shepherding souls.

4. We should be sharing the gospel wherever we go

My listener admits, “My husband and I do try to show Christ wherever we are, and my husband is known for his Christian influence at work.”

This is exactly as it should be. We should be sharing Jesus wherever we go, beginning in our own home and spreading out from there. Jesus made this abundantly clear in the book of Acts:

“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and Samaria, and as far as the remotest part of the earth.”

Acts 1:8

See how Christ told them to start where they were (in Jerusalem), then spread out from there? Even the word translated go in Matthew 28:19 literally means having gone: “Therefore, having gone, disciple all the nations….”

It assumes God has already put you somewhere, and that particular somewhere is where He intends for you to start. So be faithful in sharing the gospel there, until He moves you somewhere else.

Moreover, you can reach people in your sphere that I will never even meet in mine, and vice versa. This is a concept my husband tried (unsuccessfully) to explain his father when he expressed disappointment that Doug chose a career in medicine rather than following in Dad’s footsteps to become a preacher.

Nevermind the fact Doug deals with patients every day who might never darken the doorway of a church, but guess what? When they’re sick and scared and uncertain of their own prognosis, they’re often much more receptive to the gospel and bolder about asking my husband to pray over them before taking them back to the operating room.

In the same way, we are friends with a local lawmaker who regularly rubs elbows with folks in Austin that will probably never cross our path, but he is so intentional about sharing Christ at every opportunity. In the 20 years we’ve known him, I’ve heard him speak at weddings and graduations and rallies and conventions and community events, and it doesn’t matter where we are or what his role — whether he’s the keynote speaker or introducing other speakers or making announcements or leading a prayer — I have never once heard that man speak without sharing the gospel in the process:

No matter how brief his remarks, at some point he manages to weave in the fact that we’ve all sinned, every one of us, and that the penalty for sin is death. But Jesus lived a perfect life and died in our place, so that if we will repent of our sins, confess Jesus as Lord, and believe that God raised Him from the dead, we will be saved to live with Him eternally in heaven.

The word “gospel” literally means “good news,” and that, my friend, is the good news in a nutshell.

5. We all have different but important jobs to do

My listener ends her message by writing, “I was just wondering how you think through this. I know the Bible says many great things about having children, but I also don’t want to be wasting my time if that ideology [that the Great Commission supersedes the Creation Mandate] is indeed true.“

The answer to how I think through this is with much prayer and searching of Scripture.

Because the truth is — whether you deliver the gospel in a nutshell during a pre-op exam or you explain it in exquisite detail during a Sunday morning sermon — sharing the good news of Christ’s sacrificial love is just the first step. It is planting a seed.

In the same way that parenting is a long and drawn-out project, so is evangelism and disciple-making. In either endeavor, it often takes years before we see the mature, ripened fruit we desire.

And while I don’t buy into the notion that raising children is a waste of time when there are still people in this world who’ve never heard about Jesus, it’s not because I don’t think taking the gospel to the ends of the earth is an important goal. It is!

I’ve read enough missionary biographies and met enough real-life missionaries who’ve dedicated their entire lives to carrying the gospel into previously unreached areas or translating the Bible into previously unwritten languages that I know such workers are vitally important to God’s eternal plan for drawing unto Himself people from every tribe and tongue and people and nation. (Revelation 5:9)

I once had a friend who deeply longed to do big things for Jesus. In her mind, those big things took the same shape as some of those missionary biographies we’ve read. “What if God calls me to Africa, but doesn’t call my husband there?” she once asked me.

It was obvious in talking to her that she viewed ministry as something that takes place outside the home, and saw her spouse and children as obstacles to the hypothetical call God might someday place on her life. She didn’t want to waste time raising children when she could be doing important Kingdom-work!

Yet what my friend failed to recognize is the fact that parenting, when done as unto the Lord, can be Kingdom-work just as surely as overseas missions can be. And while she didn’t yet have a clear call to Africa, as a wife and the mother of young children, she did have clear Biblical commands to respect and defer to her husband and to love and nurture her children.

C.S. Lewis argued, “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.” Christ’s reaction to the disciples when they tried to send the children away lends some validity to Lewis’s statement, although I think we need to be careful assigning levels of importance to Kingdom-work of any kind.

Paul speaks to the fact that each of us has a different role to play in the body of Christ (another name for the church), and we should never look down upon those whose roles differ from our own:

“But in fact, God has arranged the members of the body, every one of them, according to His design. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I do not need you.’ Nor can the head say to the feet, ‘I do not need you.”‘

1 corinthians 12:18-21

So, my answer to the married couple who wants a lot of children? Go for it, and don’t let Satan convince you that raising children is a waste of time. That’s ridiculous.

To couples who already have kids, I’d say: As much as possible, avoid outsourcing your children’s training while they are young. They stay little for such a brief period of time! See those years for what they are — important Kingdom work — and do everything you can to instill in your children a love for God and a respect for His Word.

And to singles and couples who don’t have children? Recognize that God has a purpose for placing you in your current circumstances and resolve to serve Him wholeheartedly in whatever state you find yourself.

The post EP 15: Is Having Babies a Waste of Time? first appeared on Loving Life at Home.

The post EP 15: Is Having Babies a Waste of Time? appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 14: Is Date Night Essential?

Today on Loving Life at Home, we’re discussing date nights. We all know spending time together is an important way for couples to nurture their marriage, but it is necessary to go out on the town to make that happen? Is a couple doomed to divorce if they don’t prioritize such a practice? Is having a weekly date night essential to maintaining a happy marriage?

Show NotesVERSES CITED:“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” – 1 Corinthians 7:3-4“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” – Proverbs 27:17RELATED LINKS:Date Night: What If My Husband Won’t Plan It? – help for wives with busy husbandsHow to Date a Husband Who Would Rather Stay Home – fun ideas for homebodiesFinding Frugal Fun – simple ideas for shoestring budgetsLove Your Husband, Love Yourself – motivation for prioritizing physical intimacyFree 30-Day Respect Challenge – learn to communicate in a way he’ll appreciateIs date night essential for a successful marriage?

I received a letter a few weeks ago from a listener who wanted to know whether having a regular date night is essential to a happy marriage.

Her letter to me was long and personal, so I won’t print the whole thing, but to sum it up, she and her husband were being pressured by an extended family member who believed that a couple who neglects date night is setting themselves up for divorce.

My listener writes:

“My husband explained that we normally try to do something extra special on Thursday nights after the kids go to bed. But [this family member] said that wasn’t going to cut it because we needed to disconnect from home.

This was upsetting because… my husband and I have felt like date nights at home are how we connect most comfortably…. Personally, getting someone to watch the kids, going out with a nursing baby and figuring out somewhere to go in that isn’t too far, too expensive, or too crowded is a little too stressful to encourage good conversation.

We’ve had enough date nights that end in feeling stressed out and like we spent a lot of money for not a lot of return. I’ve found that our bed is the place we have the best talks (sometimes into the early hours of the morning) and feel the closest in our marriage. Does this mean our marriage suffers? I would love to hear your thoughts!”

Is there hope for a couple who’d rather stay home?

What this listener really wants to know is whether I agree with her strongly opinionated family member: Is date night essential to a happy marriage? Is it necessary for a marriage to make it?

Now, strictly speaking, the most essential thing to a successful marriage is commitment. If both husband and wife are fully committed to marriage in general and to one another in specific, then their marriage is going to last.

But most of us want our marriage to do better than survive. We want it to thrive. And regularly nurturing your relationship to your spouse is vital for the health of a marriage. Time together is important.

However, there is a big difference between saying that date night is a smart way to nurture your marriage and saying that without it, your marriage is doomed for divorce court. I don’t believe that at all.

Plus, the form that that date night takes is entirely up to the couple in question. I have friends who seldom ever miss date night. They also go away for weekends alone together three or four times a year, as well.

And for some couples, the only way they can ensure such concentrated, intentional time together is to establish a weekly date night away from home. And for those couples, their marriage might indeed suffer if they cut out that practice.

You can prioritize time together without going out on the town.

But, while date nights can certainly facilitate that goal, having regular nights out on the town or taking long weekends away from the kids is not the only way to nurture your marriage or to spend quality time together.

If it were, my husband and I would be in serious trouble, because out-of-the-house date nights were very rare for us, too, especially when all our kids were little.

And in 36 years of marriage, I can count on one hand the number of “weekends away” we’ve had without at least one of our children tagging along with us. 

(In fact, the first time we managed to get away from home without any of the children –not even a nursing baby — was when we went on a couples retreat with our church. Unfortunately, when we got to the retreat center, they divided us into sex-segregated dorms. All the men were in one cabin, and the women were in another. So it wasn’t quite the romantic getaway my husband and I had imagined!)

However, for those same thirty-six years, we’ve set aside time daily to throw the latch on our bedroom door and spend time as a couple talking, praying, etc. And in that sense, we’ve had very intimate, meaningful dates nearly every day of our married life. Like my home-loving listener and her husband, we believe the quietness and privacy of our bedroom provides a better setting for good conversations than noisy restaurants or crowded movie theaters!

The truth is, you’d be hard pressed to find a Bible verse that says, “Though shalt not neglect going on weekly dates away from home with thy spouse.” I read the Bible cover to cover every year, and I’ve yet to see that command in its pages.

You will find verses that tell married couples not to neglect sex – but that’s another podcast for another day.

Plan dates that account for your own individual personalities and needs.

If you, like we, have found a way to make sure you are regularly pouring into your marriage without leaving the house, paying a baby-sitter, and battling big-city crowds and traffic, then more power to you!

But if you like going out and feel like that is the best way for you to nurture your marriage and spend quality time together as a couple, then that is fine, too. It really is up to the couple involved.

Unfortunately, sometimes husbands and wives are not on the same page about date night. Maybe one wants to go out, but the other wants to stay at home.

I address how to handle a husband who is willing to go out but is too busy to plan it here: Date Night: What If My Husband Won’t Plan It?

And I share ideas for enjoying at-home date nights with a husband who refuses to go out regardless here: How to Date a Husband Who Would Rather Stay Home

DATE NIGHT FORMULASYOU want to go out + HE wants to go out = GO OUT and have funYOU want to stay home + HE wants to stay home = STAY HOME and connect thereYOU want to go out + HE’s too busy to plan = YOU PLAN a date you can both enjoyYOU want to go out + HE wants to stay home = BRAINSTORM creative alternatives Bottom line: How essential is date night?

So, is your marriage doomed if you don’t have a weekly date night out on the town? Not at all. But is spending time together with your spouse important? Absolutely.

The Bible talks about the iron-sharpening-iron aspect of friendship, and marriage is a friendship. But the only way one piece of iron can sharpen another is for them to remain in close proximity for extended periods of time. Iron sharpening can’t happen when the pieces of iron stay isolated from one another.

In the same way, if you want to grow as a couple and get to know each other better and deepen your relationship and strengthen your marriage and nurture the love God has given you, then you need to spend time together.

You’ll have a hard time building a strong marriage if you never see one another. Instead, you must prioritize time together and find meaningful ways to connect on a regular basis.

More Biblically Sound Marriage Tips

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.

The post EP 14: Is Date Night Essential? appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 13: 10 Things Your Teenager Hates

This week on Loving Life at Home, we’re talking about teens. Lots of changes take place during the teen years! If we want to navigate them smoothly and maintain a good relationship with our growing children, then we’ll need to avoid doing the 10 things our teenagers hate.

Much of the material for this week’s podcast was taken from a post I originally published in September of 2014, which you can read in its entirety below the show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED: “Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed.” – Proverbs 27:5 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1 “Even so you too outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” – Matthew 23:28 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” – 3 John 1:4 “For whom the LORD loveth he corrects; even as a father the son in whom he delights.” – Proverbs 3:12 “… we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God.” – 2 Corinthians 4:2“We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.” – 2 Corinthians 10:12“…walk in a manner worthy of the calling you have received: with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, and with diligence to preserve the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” – Ephesians 4:1-3 “He who answers a matter before he hears it—this is folly and disgrace to him.” – Proverbs 18:13 “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? So if you cannot do such a small thing, why do you worry about the rest?” – Luke 12:25RELATED ARTICLES:Our Teens Need Prayer – and our free printable, Bible-based prayer guide can help6 Parenting Mistakes that Will Handicap Your Child – read or listen to Episode 410 Things Your Teenager Hates

There’s no doubt about it. Navigating life with a teenager at home can be a little tricky.

All those hormones raging through the bloodstream will sometimes have you walking on eggshells.

(Of course, teens might say the same thing about living with a menopausal mother, but that’s another post for another day.)

No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes. And it is sometimes necessary for us to make decisions that won’t necessarily be popular with our kids.

But if we can somehow manage to avoid the biggies — if we can refrain from doing those things our teens hate most — then our homes might be much happier, both during the teen years and beyond.

Disapproval

Your teenager hates to disappoint you. Whether he acts like it or not, he is hungry for your affirmation and approval. He needs to know that your love for him is unconditional. Yes, he’ll make mistakes. And yes, those mistakes may need to be addressed. But they’ll need to be addressed in a way that communicates your love for him and your confidence in his ability to do better.

Lectures

Your teenager hates to disappoint you. Whether he acts like it or not, he is hungry for your affirmation and approval. He needs to know that your love for him is unconditional. Yes, he’ll make mistakes. And yes, those mistakes may need to be addressed. But they’ll need to be addressed in a way that communicates your love for him and your confidence in his ability to do better.

Hypocrisy

Do you use one voice for company and phone calls, but another for your family? Is the person you seem to be at work and church and out in the community the same person your spouse and children see at home every day? Teens are especially sensitive to discrepancies in this area. They are watching you, examining you, constantly observing whether your talk matches your walk. Be genuine and sincere. Live a life of integrity. Apologize and seek forgiveness from your family when you fail. Otherwise, you risk having your teen reject not only you, but everything you allegedly stand for.

Micro-Management

Don’t be a hovering, helicopter parent who tries to dictate your teen’s every move. The older she gets, the more important it is for her to take responsibility for making her own choices and decisions. This is a healthy part of growing up. Sometimes she may do things in a different way than you would do them, but in most cases, that is alright. God never intended for your teen to be an exact replica of you. She is wonderfully unique. Give her some freedom to be herself. When you try to control every detail of her life, it sends your teen the message that you think she’s either incompetent or untrustworthy.

Passivity

As much as your teen dislikes it when you’re controlling, the opposite extreme is just as bad. There must be a balance. Your teen still needs you to remain involved, to be available, to hold him accountable. When he pushes the limits, he’s just testing to make sure they’re still in place, the way you might push against the doors of your house each night to make sure they are properly latched. You should expand his boundaries a bit as he grows, but you shouldn’t remove them altogether. Whether consciously or not, your teen takes comfort in knowing that you care enough to keep tabs on him.

Manipulation

Your teen hates guilt trips. If you want or need her to do something for you, please just come out and say so. Don’t expect her to read your mind or try to guilt trip her into doing what you want. Be straightforward in your requests and sincerely grateful for her cooperation.

Comparisons

Your teen may tolerate positive comparisons to people he admires, but he hates to be compared negatively to anyone. Let him stand or fall on his own merit. There’s no reason to drag anybody else into it. If a comparison must be made, let it be in comparing your teen to his younger self and noting the growth, maturity, and progress he’s made.

Discord

This may seem counterintuitive, given how prone she is to argue sometimes, but your teenager hates strife. She especially hates to hear her parents fighting. There is enough turmoil in the world — don’t add to it by being at odds with your spouse. Let your home be a haven of rest, a peaceful oasis where your children can relax, recharge, and take refuge from worldly cares in full confidence of your commitment not only to them, but to one another, as well.

Inflexibility

Avoid letting “no” become your knee-jerk response. Don’t get locked into doing things a certain way, just because that’s how you’ve always done them. Be willing to think outside the box and weigh all the options, especially when making decisions that affect your teen. Attempt to see things from his perspective. Sympathize. Remember what it was like to be a teen yourself. And if your erstwhile dreams, ideals, and love for adventure have been snuffed out in the passing years, do your best to rekindle them — for your own sake as much as for his.

Uncertainty

Remember the verse about not being anxious for tomorrow, because each day has enough troubles of its own? This is especially true for our teenagers. Our kids face so many uncertainties during these years — Will I pass my test? Will I make the team? Will I get into college? Will I ever find love? — they don’t need parents heaping their own worries on top of what’s already there. Remain calm. Don’t overreact. Pray for your teen, point him to the solid Rock, anchor him there when the storms roll in, and assure him the sun will soon come out again.

What other things does your teen hate? Is there anything else you’d add to this list? Let me know in the comments below.

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The post EP 13: 10 Things Your Teenager Hates appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 12: When You’re Married to a Problem Solver

Are you married to a problem solver? Does your husband like to fix things? Do you get perturbed when you look to him for sympathy, and he insists on offering answers instead?

What’s a wife to do in such a situation? That’s what we’re discussing today on The Loving Life at Home Podcast. Want to read the original post on which this episode is based? It’s reprinted in its entirety below the show notes.

Show NotesRELATED SCRIPTURES:“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels…” – Proverbs 1:5“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” – Proverbs 12:15“Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.” – Proverbs 13:10“Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.” – Proverbs 19:20RELATED LINKS: Jason Headly video – “It’s Not about the Nail”Are You Married to a Problem Solver?

Are you married to a problem solver? Does your husband like to fix things? Do you get perturbed when you look to him for sympathy, and he insists on offering answers instead?

It’s tempting, when you’re upset, to interpret this hasty rush-to-a-solution as evidence that your husband doesn’t really understand the situation. Doesn’t fully appreciate the distress it has caused you. Can’t adequately feel your pain.

You may even think that his no-nonsense approach to the matter is just an attempt to shut you up, because he’s tired of hearing you bellyache.

I’ve entertained such thoughts myself in the past about my own problem solving husband. And I still have a hard time believing they aren’t at least partially true.

Yet, according to a growing body of scientific evidence, our husbands respond the way they do simply because that is how their brains are wired. (If you’d like to read all the fascinating details regarding this research, I highly recommend Louann Brizendine’s The Male Brain.)

Men Think Differently than Women

Studies have now confirmed what we’ve all long suspected: Men and women are different. And they think very differently.

A man can’t understand why his wife would waste valuable time complaining about something he could easily fix in just a few minutes. And a woman is equally perplexed, because her husband seems incapable of listening without taking on an advisory role.

Often, all we really want is a little sympathy.

We must realize, however, that problem solving is a husband’s way of sympathizing. Mentally searching for a solution is his way of communicating his concern. Of proving that he cares. Of expressing heartfelt empathy in the way that comes most naturally to him.

Even so, it grates on us. Right? So what’s a beleaguered wife to do?

Making Peace with Your Problem-Solving Husband

If you want to avoid the conflict that sometimes springs from your spouse’s different method of thinking about and dealing with problems, then you really have only three options:

Stop complainingWarn him ahead of time if all you want is a hug or a prayer or a shoulder to cry onListen to his counsel and accept his advice

The first option — stop complaining — is just a good rule of thumb in general. Nobody likes to be around a whiner or complainer, and the more positive we can remain towards our life and circumstances, the better off we’ll be. Nevertheless, there are times when difficult situations must be addressed and discussed. So what, then?

The second option — letting your spouse know up front that you just want him to listen without offering advice — may (theoretically) help from your point of view, but it will probably feel like torture to your husband.

Put Yourself in Your Husband’s Shoes

Consider how you would react if the tables were turned: Imagine your husband comes home complaining of feeling famished. You offer him a snack, try to cook him some dinner, point him to the pantry, propose going out to eat, but your every suggestion is met with fierce resistance. Not only that, but your spouse accuses you of being insensitive for even attempting to come up with a solution.

“Why do you always have to fix things?” he might ask in exasperation. “I haven’t eaten all day! I’m starting to feel faint! Can’t you see how upset I am? I don’t need advice; I need sympathy. I just want to know that you’re on my side — that you understand!”

Wouldn’t it feel a little disingenuous to merely pat your husband on the back in such a situation and tell him that you’re sorry he’s having such a hard time?

Well, that’s exactly how our husbands feel, too, when we put such constraints on them and attempt to dictate their emotional responses.

In the same way that you’d feel compelled to let your hungry husband know there’s hot bread in the oven, your husband feels obligated to share his best answer to whatever problem is troubling you.

Accept His Advice with Gratitude

And that brings us to the third option — you can listen to your husband’s counsel and accept his advice. Don’t automatically pooh-pooh his suggestions, like the woman in this video:

He’s offering you a fresh perspective, a different vantage point, so hear him out, then do your best to implement his most reasonable recommendations.

Believe me, I know this is easier said than done. I do not like change in general, so my knee-jerk reaction to any suggestion that we do something differently is to argue in favor of the status quo.

This usually backfires.

That’s because, in God’s great providence, I married a man who embraces change with hearty enthusiasm. You might even say he likes change for change’s sake, although life with me has tempered that tendency somewhat. (Isn’t it wonderful how God balances extremes in personalities by uniting them in holy matrimony?)

I’ve learned not to complain about trivial matters, because I know my doing so will trigger my husband’s problem-solving circuits, which will inevitably lead to some sort of change that feels (to me) like more of a hassle than whatever matter I was grousing about to begin with.

Unfortunately, this does not get me completely off the hook in the advice department, because sometimes my spouse will simply see something he thinks is not working as well as it should and make suggestions based on that observation.

My husband is very smart, extremely attentive to detail, and amazingly adept at “thinking outside the box.” So why wouldn’t I want to immediately adopt whatever measure he’s proposing?

Crucify Personal Pride

My inborn aversion to change is only part of the problem. If I’m honest, I must admit the rest of it stems from my pride.

The Bible tells us, “Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.” (Proverbs 13:10, NLT)

Ouch! Isn’t that verse convicting? What makes me resistant to my husband’s advice? What makes me want to argue about the best course of action? The Bible says it’s my pride. “Where there is strife, there is pride,” is how the NIV translates it.

Whenever strife and arguments and contention exist, we can be certain pride is somehow involved.

It boils down to this: I want my way. I’m convinced my way is better.

Is it better? Maybe. Maybe not.

But I’ll never know unless I hear my husband out. It is arrogant and stubborn and foolish for me to cling to my own way without even bothering to consider his ideas about a given matter.

His ideas are almost always reasonable. It would be fair to say that many of his ideas border on brilliant. We both know this, so it’s insulting and hurtful to him when I blithely discount or dismiss his suggestions.

Taking my husband’s advice does not mean I’m incapable of thinking through problems or coming up with solutions on my own. It just means I’m willing to consider his perspective and give his way a try.

Why not do the same at your house?

Don’t fight against the way God wired your husband’s brain to work. Next time you face a problem, ask for his advice. Then take it.

Doing so doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re smart.

More Biblically Sound Marriage Tips

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband, Love Yourself.

The post EP 12: When You’re Married to a Problem Solver appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 11: Forgiving Others Fully & Freely

It’s human nature to nurse our wounds. To rehash and replay offenses until they begin to fester deep within our soul. But God asks us to fully and freely forgive those who’ve wronged us.

What does this kind of forgiveness look like? And why does God expect it of us? Is it really possible to find freedom from the bitterness and resentment I’ve harbored for so long?

We’re discussing all these questions and more this week on The Loving Life at Home podcast, so I hope you’ll listen in. Most of the material for this episode was taken from a blog post I originally published in 2019, which you can read in its entirety below today’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED:“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)“Bear with each other and forgive any complaint you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will you Father forgive yours.” (Matthew 6:14-15) “As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12)  “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'” (Matthew 18:21-22)“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22)  “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who despitefully use you… expecting nothing in return. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:27-36)RELATED LINKS:I Married a Sinner (and So Did He) – the excellent advice Elisabeth Elliot gave me before I wedDon’t Beat the Other Slaves – my husband shares 6 principles of forgiveness Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us

Has anybody ever said or done something that hurt you? Does the incident play over and over in your mind, like a tape? It could be something minor or something major — a cutting remark or a complete betrayal of trust — but your heart still aches or your temper flares every time you recount it.

Or maybe your wounds fester below the surface. You can go months without thinking about it. Perhaps you assume you’re finally over the hurt. Then BOOM. Something triggers the memory and the pain rushes back in as you realize you still haven’t let it go.

Learning to Let Go

We shouldn’t let our hurts from the past steal our joy in the present. To keep that from happening, it is imperative that we learn how to fully and freely forgive the people who have wronged us. The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness, including verses such as these:

“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)“Bear with each other and forgive any complaint you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will you Father forgive yours.” (Matthew 6:14-15)

If I don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive me. That’s a sobering thought, isn’t it? I’m so glad God doesn’t dwell on my wrongdoings the way I sometimes perseverate on the fact my husband sent my favorite kitchen gadget to Goodwill!

Instead, God separates my sins from me “as far as the east is from the west.” (Psalm 103:12) And He calls me to reflect that same kind of grace to others.

Did He Really Mean Everybody?

Some may wonder whether God intends for us to forgive every wrongdoer in every situation. Didn’t Jesus offer us any exemptions from forgiving those who sin against us?

What if they’ve done something horribly wicked?What if they never say they’re sorry?What if when they do apologize, it doesn’t sound like they really mean it?What if instead of apologizing, they shift blame?What if they justify their actions?What if they don’t deserve forgiveness?What if they are unrepentant?What if they keep right on doing the very thing I forgave them for?

I think Peter must have had some of these same questions in mind when he asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21)

The disciple probably thought his offer was generous, but Jesus raised the bar substantially when He answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy times seven!” (Matthew 18:22)

In other words, don’t even try to keep track.

Why would God demand from us that kind of extravagant grace? Well, I think He does so primarily for our own benefit.

Freedom from Malice

Giving place to bitterness and resentment is bad for your health. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22) As one wise person observed, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It hurts you far more than it hurts anyone else.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, fosters a spirit of humility and gratitude. It recognizes how great a debt God has forgiven us and chooses to emulate His amazing mercy in our relations to others.

Jesus provided us with the ultimate example when, even as He was being crucified, He prayed for his tormentors, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

He urges us to do the same: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who despitefully use you… expecting nothing in return. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:27-36)

Test Your Heart

Have you forgiven your offenders as freely and fully as God requires? That last passage provides a great litmus test:

Can you pray for this person? Not just going through the actions, but sincerely petitioning God on his behalf? Do you deeply desire his salvation and sanctification? Would it thrill your soul to see God mercifully draw him to repentance?God’s forgiveness does not necessarily cancel the consequences of sin. Jesus fully forgave the thief on the cross, but the thief still died a criminal’s death. Does knowing this make you gloat in anticipation or motivate you to pray all the harder?Are you mindful of the sin in your own soul? Do you recognize the fact that, but for the grace of God, you might’ve been guilty of the same offense?Does the knowledge that “hurting people hurt people” move you to compassion for this individual? Are you able to love him like God loves you?

Bitterness, resentment, and desolation dig a deep pit. The only way to escape such a pit is through the kind of forgiveness I’ve described above – a forgiveness that is admittedly impossible apart from God’s empowering grace.

To truly break free from all hurt and grief of our past, we must accept God’s forgiveness for our own sin, then channel that forgiveness to everyone around us – especially to those who have done us wrong.

More on Forgiveness

If you want or need to read more on the topic of forgiveness, I would recommend starting with one of the books listed below. Just click on the covers for more information or to order through Amazon (affiliate links)

The post EP 11: Forgiving Others Fully & Freely appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 10: We Find What We Look For

Much of our outlook depends on our focus. We find what we look for. Start looking for things to be grateful for, and you’ll find them aplenty. Search instead for irritations and annoyances, and that’s exactly what you’ll see.

Martha Washington once said, “I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.”

On this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home, we’re discussing how to shift our focus to find more bountiful blessings and less utter unhappiness. More merriment and less misery. More contentment and less complaining.

Most of the material for this episode came from a blog post I wrote almost exactly four years ago. You may read that original post in its entirety below today’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED: “If you then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affections on things above, not on things on the earth, for ye are dead and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” – Colossians 3:1-3“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits.” – Psalm 103:2“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”  – Philippians 4:8LINKS MENTIONED:Backyard Garden Mural – here’s my outdoor wall-painting (in progress)Bedroom Inspection Checklist – here’s the printable list I use during room check Praying for Your Children – here’s a free printable, Bible-based prayer guide to helpYou Find What You Look For

When my husband was doing his medical residency, he had an attending physician who truly seemed bewildered by Doug’s happiness.

“Why are you always so cheerful?” he’d ask. “You’re poor. You live in a ratty apartment. Your son has diabetes. What do you have to smile about?”

The contrast was even more irksome in light of the attending’s personal unhappiness. He lived in a mansion. He had a high paying job. And he was well-respected in his community. Yet he remained miserable and dissatisfied.

So what could explain this huge difference in their attitudes?

Bottom-line, it was the Lord.

Yet even Christians can have a difficult time cultivating contentment.

On a day-to-day level, much of the difference lies in our mindset. We tend to find what we look for. If all I can see is the negative, I may need to change my focus.

Look for good things around you

When I walk into my backyard, I can see dirt, weeds, bare patches, and slugs. But I can simultaneously find green grass, singing birds, towering trees, and vibrant blooms. It all depends on what I’m hunting.

The same is true of my child’s room. Depending on how I view it, I’ll notice dirty socks on the floor, dust bunnies in the corners, and an overflowing trash can. But by slightly lifting my eyes, I’ll spot the neatly made bed, the beautiful artwork-in-progress spread across the desk, the pile of books on my voracious reader’s night stand, maybe even the uneasy teen herself who’s watching me inspect her space and hungering for my approval.

Look for good things about you

When I consider my body, do I bemoan the wrinkles gathering on my forehead? The bladder that refuses to do its job any time I laugh or sneeze? The baby weight that stubbornly clings to my middle nearly a decade past my last pregnancy?

What if, rather than perseverating on my perceived shortcomings, I rejoice over my strengths? What if I thank God for strong arms that can carry grandbabies, groceries, and garden clippings with ease? Or praise Him for eyes that can see the smiles on my children’s faces, the glory of a beautiful sunset, and (with a bit of help from my dollar-store readers) the soul-stirring words on a written page? What if I feel genuinely grateful for a sound mind that can easily recall the names of my grandchildren, construct a rational argument, compose a letter to a friend, or pen a column for the local paper?

Look for good in your loved ones

Probably one of the most important places we should hunt for the good instead of searching out the bad is in marriage. The fact is, if you are married at all, you are married to a sinner. There’s no other option! And if you go looking for offense, you’re sure to find it. A hurtful word. An irritated tone. A forgotten anniversary.

After more than three decades of living with my husband, I’ve realized that most of the habits most prone to upset me are relatively minor. He looks at his phone instead of listening, so I’m forced to repeat myself. He forgets to buckle his seatbelt, and the car alarm drives me crazy. And he spends money on frivolous purchases (defined as anything I don’t think he needs).

If I stewed on such trivial offenses long enough, I could work myself into a state of frustrated annoyance. But why do that? Especially when, by shifting my focus, I can change my whole perspective.

When I actively search for the good in my husband, I easily find it. I see an incredibly hard worker who comes home from 12-hour shifts at the hospital and launches immediately and cheerfully into doing multiple loads of laundry – just to help me out (and possibly to ensure his drawers stay stocked with clean scrubs and underwear). A man so incredibly generous that he routinely tips 30% or more on the meals we eat out and willingly gives to worthy causes, even if it means sacrificing to do so. An animated storyteller who can send an entire roomful of people into fits of hysterical laughter. A loving father who prays daily and earnestly for his children, having dedicated his life to helping them succeed while also understanding that success isn’t possible apart from God’s blessing.

When I look at my husband this way, I don’t feel annoyed or exasperated. Far from it! Instead, my heart fills to bursting with love and respect and admiration.

Yet in every one of the cases cited above, my circumstances remain unaltered. Only my perspective changes. But what an amazing change such a mental shift can make!

We find what we look for

To be sure, you can make yourself miserable if you choose. That’s entirely within your rights.

To do so, simply dwell on what you don’t have. Give place to bitterness, resentment, and disappointment. View the glass as half empty. Refuse to look on the bright side of anything – or to even believe such a bright side exists.

But you’ll be better off if you look instead for the good. Take notice of God’s abundant provision: air to breathe, food to eat, clothes to wear. Start counting your blessings. Keep a running list of them.

And follow the sage advice of Scripture: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

The post EP 10: We Find What We Look For appeared first on Loving Life at Home.