Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 42

No Dirty Dishes in the Sink

Arguments in marriage are like dirty dishes in the sink—they're best dealt with immediately. At least, that's how my husband and I have come to see it.

We learned early that putting off washing dishes does not make the chore any easier. On the contrary, if you let them sit long enough (which I'm ashamed to admit we did during those honeymoon weeks), milk will sour, mold will grow, and a cloud of midges will hover menacingly above your sink. It's truly disgusting. Even if you put dishes to soak in hot water to loosen the baked-on grime, you had better return before the water becomes tepid and the suds disappear, or you'll be back to dealing with a cold, slimy mess.

Having learned this lesson the hard way, I now try to tend to my dirty dishes in a more timely fashion. I take care not to make a bigger mess than is necessary. As much as is possible, I wash up as I go when preparing meals, so that it's a simple matter of loading cups and plates into the dishwasher after we eat. And I also make a point to never leave dishes in the sink overnight.

I have found that abiding by these simple rules—don't make unnecessary messes, wash up as you go, empty the sink before bedtime—makes the kitchen a vastly more pleasant place to work. But these same principles adapt readily to marriage in general and to conflict resolution in particular: Avoid unnecessary arguments. Address areas of conflict as they arise. And don't go to bed angry. The rules are simple. They're Biblical. And abiding by them makes our home an exceedingly more peaceful place to live.



Avoid Unnecessary Arguments

The Bible makes it clear that the best kind of argument is one that's avoided. Read for yourself:

• "The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon a quarrel before it breaks out." (Prov. 17:4)

• "Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel."

(Prov. 20:3)

• "But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger."

(James 1:19)

Rather than wearing our feelings on our sleeves and taking offense at every little thing our husband does, we should cultivate an attitude of grace and forgiveness. But what if we find ourselves in the midst of conflict, despite our best efforts to avoid it. What then?

Address Areas of Conflict as They Arise

It is imperative that couples deal with disputes in a timely fashion, preferably as soon as they come up. Even if you decide in the heat of an argument that you need to cool off before continuing a discussion, do not put it off too long, lest you give wounds an opportunity to fester and find yourself in a bigger mess than you started with. Pray rather that God will give you the wisdom and love and patience you need to resolve the problem now.

Don't Go to Bed Angry

The Bible states in no uncertain terms that we must "not let the sun go down on [our] anger" (Eph. 4:26). Solomon recommends that if we have a dispute with a neighbor, we "give no sleep to [our] eyes, nor slumber to [our] eyelids" until we've humbled ourselves and seen the matter resolved.

When a husband and wife make it their habit to resolve differences before turning in for the night, they are able to extend and experience forgiveness. After truly letting go of offenses, they rest with a clear conscience, unbothered by the day's affairs, at peace with God and man. The alternative is tossing and turning night after night, never free of stress, guilt, resentment, anger, and bitterness that swarm through your thoughts like a cloud of midges? Given the choice, wouldn't you rather just deal with the mess now?

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The above article was adapted from my book, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND/LOVE YOURSELF: EMBRACING GOD'S PURPOSE FOR PASSION IN MARRIAGE, p. 253-258.

How to Breathe LIFE Back into Your Marriage

Does your marriage feel like it needs resuscitating? Maybe it's time to breathe some LIFE back into your relationship:

L = Laugh. Your husband still wants to have fun with you. Take time to do things together. Enjoy one another. Smile. Laugh.

I = Intercede. Couples who pray together stay together. The rate of divorce drops to less than 1% among husbands and wives who make joint prayer a routine part of their lives.

F = Forgive. Let go of any bitterness and resentment for past offenses and start afresh with a clean slate. Focus on your spouse's good qualities and express gratitude for them.

E = Embrace. Don't underestimate the importance of physical affection. "Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed." Show by your actions that you love your spouse and still find him attractive.

Simple, isn't it? Give your spouse a heaping helping of these four elements, and start enjoying a healthier, more robust relationship today!