Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 14

Science Proves Having Babies is Good for You

The Bible tells us children are a blessing. That means, of course, that the babies themselves are a blessing. But thanks to some recent scientific studies, we also now realize that the process of having babies is good for you, too.

That should really come as no surprise to believers. Packing his blessing full of richer and deeper and broader benefits than a human brain can fathom is God’s modus operandi. But it’s fun when secular research gives us a brief glimpse at how marvelous and far-reaching His design truly is.

Sadly we live in a culture that ignores any science that doesn’t support the accepted narrative. And right now that narrative would have us believe that children are a burden and a drain on our environment and that enlightened folk will purposely limit family size — or possibly forgo having children altogether — in an attempt to help save the planet.

So, if these studies are new to you, that may be why. Modern society is still pushing the idea that birthing a big family is backward. They don’t want you to know that having babies is actually one of the smartest things a woman can do.

Show NotesSCRIPTURES CITED:“Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.” – Psalm 127:3-5RELATED LINKS:15 Unexpected Benefits of Big Family Living#postcardsformacron on TwitterYour Baby’s Leftover DNA is Making You StrongerHaving More Kids Tied to Lower Risk of Alzheimers in WomenThe Impact of Children on Divorce RiskBreast Cancer and BreastfeedingOh Baby: Giving Birth 10 Times May Reduce Mom’s Cancer RishHaving more babies could lead to slowr rate of aging: studyReproductive History and Mortality in Late Middle Age among Norwegian Men and WomenSweden pays parents for having kids — and it reaps huge benefits. Why doesn’t the US? Photo by Edward Jenner: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-us... Science-Backed Benefits to Birthing a Big Family

French President Emmanuel Macron has come under criticism lately for his remarks on fertility and childbirth.

“Present me the woman who decided, being perfectly educated, to have seven, eight or nine children,” Macron challenged, implying that no woman in her right mind would choose to have so many.

I don’t believe the President of France was intentionally trying to slight smart mothers of large families; I think rather he is prejudiced and ill-informed.

Presiding as he does over a first-world country where the average household size is only 2.3 people, Macron may assume families with upwards of four or five times that many members are backward or benighted.

My family: 2 parents, 12 kids, 4 daughters-in-law, 9 grandkids, 8 bachelor’s degrees, and 4 doctorates (so far)

That is simply untrue.

Thanks to #postcardsforMacron, though, he has now learned that highly-educated women with mega-sized families do exist.

Those Instagram posts have beautifully demonstrated an important point: Many smart women consciously choose to have a lot of children. I’d like to take the conversation one step further and show that having a lot of children is one of the best choices a smart woman can make.

I’ve written before about the unexpected blessings of big-family living. Today, let’s discuss the scientific advantages to having many times the average number of children.

Note: To view a summary of the following information in infographic form, please scroll to the bottom of this post.

Cellular Rejuvenation

A woman’s body changes in significant ways each time she carries a baby, and I’m not just talking about her bulging belly. Thanks to a process called microchimerism, being pregnant actually leads to the repair of damaged tissues in mother’s bodies on a cellular level. That’s like having a full-body makeover — from the inside out — every time you’re expecting!

Mental Acuity

Birthing lots of babies has been linked with a lower maternal incidence of dementia. While the relationship may not be causal in nature, studies suggest that women who spend more of their lives pregnant are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s (researchers have noted a 5.5% decrease in risk per month of pregnancy).

Marital Stability

Having a large family is protective of your marriage. Statistically speaking, the greater the number of children, the lower the risk of divorce. Not only is the presence of young children in the home one of the strongest predictors of marital stability, but sociologists tell us that the older a couple is when their last child leaves home, the better chance their marriage will survive.

[To view the scientific advantages to prioritizing sex in marriage, follow this link.]

Breast Health

While hormonal contraceptive use and abortion increases a woman’s risk for breast cancer, having babies — and breastfeeding them — lowers the incidence significantly. Researchers report that for every year a woman spends breastfeeding, her risk of breast cancer drops by 4.3%. (After having nursed a dozen babies for nearly two years apiece, my own chance of getting breast cancer is virtually non-existent.)

[To view more health risks associated with hormonal contraceptive use, click here.]

Cancer Prevention

In addition to decreased incidence of breast cancer, studies have shown that “women who breastfeed multiple children for a combined total of 31 months or more reduce their risk of ovarian cancer by 91%.” Pregnancy is protective, too: Research suggests that women who give birth to 10 or more children enjoy a reduced risk of ovarian and endometrial cancers, as well.

[To read 10 things to do while breastfeeding, follow this link.]

Deceleration of Aging

The number of children a woman bears slows down the rate at which her body ages. According to researchers, the more surviving children she births, the longer her telomeres (the protective endcaps on DNA strands associated with aging). Whether or not her apparent age is affected, bearing children does benefit a mother’s biological age.

Delayed Menopause

Both pregnancy and breastfeeding can prevent ovulation, leading to a greater stock of follicles later in life and affecting the timing of menopause. The more pregnancies a woman sustains and the more babies she breastfeeds, the longer the onset of menopause (and all its attendant changes and challenges) may be delayed.

Increased Longevity

Multiple studies have shown that married women who have three, four, or five or more children enjoy a significantly lower mortality rate than those with two or fewer. In other words, having more children is associated with living a longer life. “In no instance was higher parity significantly associated with higher mortality risk.”

Social Security

Decreased fertility and dwindling birthrates portend deeply troubling problems for societies world-wide, including labor shortages, top-heavy populations, and economic collapse. That’s why countries like Germany, Austria, Denmark, Sweden, and even France have begun paying couples to procreate. Smart women who choose to have a lot of children are simply ahead of that curve.

Maybe President Macron regrets making hasty and unwarranted assumptions about the educational credentials of mothers with large families. Perhaps he remains unconvinced and still believes we must have a loose screw to willingly do what we do.

Personally, I’m grateful for Macron’s overgeneralizing remark — or, at least, I’m glad for the public response to it. I love the fact that the vast majority of mothers who took issue with the President’s comment did so in such a gracious and respectful way.

[For tips on responding positively to negative comments on family size, click here.]

It has been fun to scroll through the pictures of all their huge and happy families. And I’ve been encouraged to glimpse a sampling of all the brilliant women out there who’ve chosen to devote their time, talents, and energy to raising the next generation. Well done, Mamas. Keep up the good work!

The post Science Proves Having Babies is Good for You appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 7: Hidden Powers of Womanhood

For all the hype we hear these days about female empowerment, some of women’s most important strengths are going unrecognized, undervalued, and largely underused. It’s time for that to change. It’s time to take these 5 hidden powers of womanhood and make them popular–and prevalent–again. 

In this episode of Loving Life at Home, we discuss the distinguishing marks of a truly empowered woman — one who uses all the feminine fortitude God has given her to inspire the people around her, impact the culture in which she lives, and point others to Jesus at every opportunity.

Much of the material for this podcast is from a post I originally published ten years ago called “Don’t Waste Your Girl Power,” which you can read in its entirety beneath today’s show notes.

Show NotesRELATED LINKS:Good Morning America interview with Elle Fanning – To clarify, Elle Fanning played Aurora in Disney’s live-action film Maleficent. Here are her lovely comments on the strength that is found in femininity and softness, which I quoted in today’s episode. Love Your Husband/ Love Yourself – My book, which details the blessings that await couple who embrace God’s purpose for passion in marriage.VERSES CITED:“…and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” – Hebrews 10:24 NASB “A [capable, intelligent, and] virtuous, who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls….” – Proverbs 31:10 AMP“The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently, and relies on and believes in her safely] so that he has no lack of honest gain (or need of dishonest spoil). She will comfort, encourage, and do him only good as long as there is life within her.”  – Proverbs 31:11-12 AMP“I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live…” – Deuteronomy 30:19Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; And she smiles at the future [knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]…. She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness [gossip, discontent, and self-pity] she does not eat.” – Proverbs 31:25, 27 AMP” Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); Her husband also, and he praises her, saying, ‘Many daughters have done nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], But you excel them all.’ Charm and grace are deceptive, and [superficial] beauty is vain (because it is not lasting), But a woman who [reverently and worshipfully] fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands, And let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city].” – Proverbs 31:28-31 AMP“Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” – Titus 2:3-5“…And from everyone who has been given much shall much be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.” – Luke 12:48“She opens her mouth with [skillful and godly] wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].” – Proverbs 31:65 Hidden Powers of Womanhood[DON’T WASTE YOUR GIRL POWER]

We hear a lot about female empowerment these days…but how should we define it? What does an empowered woman really look like?

Is she wealthy? Is she world-famous?

Does she radiate prestige? Does she command the respect of her peers? Does she carry political clout?

Is she her own woman? Completely autonomous? Answers to no one?

Is girl power something she wears like a badge? Or wields like a weapon?
Would we even recognize an empowered woman if we met her on the street?

Maybe. Maybe not.

In the past half-century, women have spent so much time focused on fighting for equality and closing the perceived gender gap that much of the very real power unique to our sex has been lost: relinquished, squandered, forgotten, or ignored.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Girls are smart. We have brains. We can think.

And when we notice — as of late so many have — that the proverbial baby has been tossed out with the bathwater, we have sense enough to retrieve it. We can learn from past mistakes — both the mistakes we’ve made individually, as well as the mistakes made by the generations ahead of us — and change course as needed.

The battle for sexual equality has morphed into a full-blown attack on common sense and decency. Regardless what popular pundits of feminism may argue, being equal in worth and value is not the same as being identical in nature and function.

There are (by design) some very real, very wonderful differences between men and women. True power comes not by denying such differences exist, but by embracing those differences with gratitude and grace.

An empowered woman INSPIRES those around her.

It is no secret that girls typically outperform boys on verbal tests. Women are communicators at heart. We are relational to the core. We are good with words.

But words can be used to help or to hurt. To encourage or to tear down.

An empowered woman understands this fact and chooses her words carefully. She is not catty, caustic, or overly critical, nor does she curse like a sailor. That’s merely rudeness masquerading as power.

A hurricane makes a great show of brute force, but look at the destruction, devastation, and despair that follow in its wake. Gentle spring rains may never make headline news, but they pack a potency we’d do well to emulate — the power to refresh and rejuvenate, to nurture and nourish, to bring life and growth and beauty.

It takes sustained strength and directed determination to build up rather than destroy. To teach by example. To encourage. To bring out the best in others. To inspire those around us.

This is real power. It is a power each one of us possesses. A power that women, with our communicative tend-and-befriend natures, are especially well-suited to employ — if only we’ll purpose to do so.

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

An empowered woman INVIGORATES the opposite sex.

As the mother of eight boys (and a casual observer of their many friends), I cannot help but notice the effect feminine company has on a group of guys. When fellas know that girls are watching, they will run faster, play harder, and push themselves further than they’d ever do without such an audience.

That’s because they are hard-wired to want to woo a woman and win her attention and affection.

When a girl first starts to sense the sway she holds over guys, it can make her feel a little heady. At that moment, she faces a choice: What will she do with this newfound power?

Some will choose to misuse and abuse it. When that happens, everybody suffers.

One of the most devastating effects of the sexual revolution is that it has duped girls into believing they can use their sexual power indiscriminately, without diluting its effectiveness or damaging themselves (and others) in the process.

That is a lie.

It is a lie that has cheated many women out of the things they most desire in life: good health, lasting love, a stable marriage, a happy home, and bright, beautiful, well-adjusted children.

An empowered woman doesn’t squander her sexuality. She understands what is at stake. She respects her power — and she respects herself — enough to use it wisely. She guards it. She protects it. She cherishes it.

She says no to sex before marriage and yes to sex within marriage. When the circumstances are right, she channels all that vivacious energy into one man — her husband. And in doing so, she not only blesses her spouse, but she benefits herself, her family, and society as a whole in myriad and magnificent ways.

“What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”
― Jane Goodall

An empowered woman INCUBATES new life.

Bearing children is certainly not the only thing a woman can do, but only a woman can do it. Only a woman can conceive, carry, and give birth to the next generation. This is a power that has been completely denied to men.

Granted, men are necessary for conception to occur, but it is within the womb of a mother that new life begins, that each tiny human is knitted together. As women, we are given the privilege of participating in this miracle of creation.

There are many who have fought long and hard to give pregnant women the power to choose death, but the far greater power lies in our ability to choose life.

An empowered woman values life. She recognizes life for the gift it is, a gift that she willingly passes on to her children, even at great personal sacrifice.

If you are reading this article now, it is because your mother chose LIFE for you. And if you are pregnant now — even if the circumstances surrounding your pregnancy are less than perfect — you in turn can choose LIFE for your little one.

This is what my husband’s mother did for him, although her situation at the time was far from ideal. Carrying him to term was not an easy choice (nor was placing him for adoption as soon as he was born), but it was the best and bravest choice she could make, and one for which our entire family is eternally grateful.

“I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live…” – Deuteronomy 30:19

An empowered woman IMPACTS future generations.

Of course, giving birth is just the beginning. As one philosopher observed, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before.”

Motherhood has a way of modifying how a woman thinks, of altering what she values. Things that may once have seemed extremely important will often lose significance once a baby enters the picture — not because the things themselves have changed, but because she has.

An empowered woman is okay with this change. In fact, she embraces it. She recognizes what an incredible but fleeting opportunity a mother has to pour into the lives of her children, to love and hold and spend time with them, to train and teach them.

True power is not to be found in the boardroom, but in the classroom. Not in the White House, but in your house and mine. When we invest in the lives of our children, we are investing in the future — a future that will be upon us much sooner than we expect, for in the blink of an eye, all our little ones will be grown and gone.

“The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”
— William Ross Wallace

An empowered woman IMPARTS practical wisdom.

There are many voices in the world today that want to tell us how we should live. What we should do. How we should think.

When deciding which voice to listen to, it’s always a good idea to first look at the fruit. You shouldn’t plant apple trees if you don’t want to grow apples. And you shouldn’t take advice from bitter, angry, miserable people if you don’t want to be bitter, angry, and miserable yourself.

The Bible paints a compelling portrait of an empowered woman in Proverbs 31: She is smart. She is strong. She’s hard-working and industrious. She is capable, confident, and cool-headed.

Beyond all that, we are told that “she opens her mouth in skillful and godly wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness, giving counsel and instruction.” (Proverbs 30:26)

An empowered woman has a wealth of wisdom and experience to share with others. The counsel she offers is sound — not some half-baked theory or failed rhetoric. It is tested and proven, tried and true. She teaches through example. She lives out her faith day by day, month by month, year by year.

I’m thankful for the many wonderful mentors God has provided for me over the years – friends who were further down life’s road than I, who took seriously God’s charge for the older women to teach the younger to love their husbands, love their children, and be keepers at home. (Titus 2:3-5) As I transition into the role of an older woman myself now, I hope to clasp, carry, and pass on that baton as smoothly as they have done.

“It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf.”
— Walter Lippmann

The power to inspire others, to invigorate the opposite sex, to incubate new life, to impact the future, and to impart practical wisdom — this is Girl Power in a nutshell. But “with great power comes great responsibility.” How will you use yours?

The post EP 7: Hidden Powers of Womanhood appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

5 Hidden Powers of Womanhood

For all the hype we hear these days about female empowerment, some of women’s most important strengths are going unrecognized, undervalued, and largely underused. It’s time for that to change. It’s time to take these 5 hidden powers of womanhood and make them popular–and prevalent–again. 

In this episode of Loving Life at Home, we discuss the distinguishing marks of a truly empowered woman — one who uses all the feminine fortitude God has given her to inspire the people around her, impact the culture in which she lives, and point others to Jesus at every opportunity.

Much of the material for this podcast is from a post I originally published ten years ago called “Don’t Waste Your Girl Power,” which you can read in its entirety beneath today’s show notes.

Show NotesRELATED LINKS:Good Morning America interview with Elle Fanning – To clarify, Elle Fanning played Aurora in Disney’s live-action film Maleficent. Here are her lovely comments on the strength that is found in femininity and softness, which I quoted in today’s episode. Love Your Husband/ Love Yourself – My book, which details the blessings that await couple who embrace God’s purpose for passion in marriage.VERSES CITED:“…and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” – Hebrews 10:24 NASB “A [capable, intelligent, and] virtuous, who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls….” – Proverbs 31:10 AMP“The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently, and relies on and believes in her safely] so that he has no lack of honest gain (or need of dishonest spoil). She will comfort, encourage, and do him only good as long as there is life within her.”  – Proverbs 31:11-12 AMP“I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live…” – Deuteronomy 30:19Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; And she smiles at the future [knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]…. She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness [gossip, discontent, and self-pity] she does not eat.” – Proverbs 31:25, 27 AMP” Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); Her husband also, and he praises her, saying, ‘Many daughters have done nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], But you excel them all.’ Charm and grace are deceptive, and [superficial] beauty is vain (because it is not lasting), But a woman who [reverently and worshipfully] fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands, And let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city].” – Proverbs 31:28-31 AMP“Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” – Titus 2:3-5“…And from everyone who has been given much shall much be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.” – Luke 12:48“She opens her mouth with [skillful and godly] wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].” – Proverbs 31:65 Hidden Powers of Womanhood[DON’T WASTE YOUR GIRL POWER]

We hear a lot about female empowerment these days…but how should we define it? What does an empowered woman really look like?

Is she wealthy? Is she world-famous?

Does she radiate prestige? Does she command the respect of her peers? Does she carry political clout?

Is she her own woman? Completely autonomous? Answers to no one?

Is girl power something she wears like a badge? Or wields like a weapon?
Would we even recognize an empowered woman if we met her on the street?

Maybe. Maybe not.

In the past half-century, women have spent so much time focused on fighting for equality and closing the perceived gender gap that much of the very real power unique to our sex has been lost: relinquished, squandered, forgotten, or ignored.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Girls are smart. We have brains. We can think.

And when we notice — as of late so many have — that the proverbial baby has been tossed out with the bathwater, we have sense enough to retrieve it. We can learn from past mistakes — both the mistakes we’ve made individually, as well as the mistakes made by the generations ahead of us — and change course as needed.

The battle for sexual equality has morphed into a full-blown attack on common sense and decency. Regardless what popular pundits of feminism may argue, being equal in worth and value is not the same as being identical in nature and function.

There are (by design) some very real, very wonderful differences between men and women. True power comes not by denying such differences exist, but by embracing those differences with gratitude and grace.

An empowered woman INSPIRES those around her.

It is no secret that girls typically outperform boys on verbal tests. Women are communicators at heart. We are relational to the core. We are good with words.

But words can be used to help or to hurt. To encourage or to tear down.

An empowered woman understands this fact and chooses her words carefully. She is not catty, caustic, or overly critical, nor does she curse like a sailor. That’s merely rudeness masquerading as power.

A hurricane makes a great show of brute force, but look at the destruction, devastation, and despair that follow in its wake. Gentle spring rains may never make headline news, but they pack a potency we’d do well to emulate — the power to refresh and rejuvenate, to nurture and nourish, to bring life and growth and beauty.

It takes sustained strength and directed determination to build up rather than destroy. To teach by example. To encourage. To bring out the best in others. To inspire those around us.

This is real power. It is a power each one of us possesses. A power that women, with our communicative tend-and-befriend natures, are especially well-suited to employ — if only we’ll purpose to do so.

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

An empowered woman INVIGORATES the opposite sex.

As the mother of eight boys (and a casual observer of their many friends), I cannot help but notice the effect feminine company has on a group of guys. When fellas know that girls are watching, they will run faster, play harder, and push themselves further than they’d ever do without such an audience.

That’s because they are hard-wired to want to woo a woman and win her attention and affection.

When a girl first starts to sense the sway she holds over guys, it can make her feel a little heady. At that moment, she faces a choice: What will she do with this newfound power?

Some will choose to misuse and abuse it. When that happens, everybody suffers.

One of the most devastating effects of the sexual revolution is that it has duped girls into believing they can use their sexual power indiscriminately, without diluting its effectiveness or damaging themselves (and others) in the process.

That is a lie.

It is a lie that has cheated many women out of the things they most desire in life: good health, lasting love, a stable marriage, a happy home, and bright, beautiful, well-adjusted children.

An empowered woman doesn’t squander her sexuality. She understands what is at stake. She respects her power — and she respects herself — enough to use it wisely. She guards it. She protects it. She cherishes it.

She says no to sex before marriage and yes to sex within marriage. When the circumstances are right, she channels all that vivacious energy into one man — her husband. And in doing so, she not only blesses her spouse, but she benefits herself, her family, and society as a whole in myriad and magnificent ways.

“What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”
― Jane Goodall

An empowered woman INCUBATES new life.

Bearing children is certainly not the only thing a woman can do, but only a woman can do it. Only a woman can conceive, carry, and give birth to the next generation. This is a power that has been completely denied to men.

Granted, men are necessary for conception to occur, but it is within the womb of a mother that new life begins, that each tiny human is knitted together. As women, we are given the privilege of participating in this miracle of creation.

There are many who have fought long and hard to give pregnant women the power to choose death, but the far greater power lies in our ability to choose life.

An empowered woman values life. She recognizes life for the gift it is, a gift that she willingly passes on to her children, even at great personal sacrifice.

If you are reading this article now, it is because your mother chose LIFE for you. And if you are pregnant now — even if the circumstances surrounding your pregnancy are less than perfect — you in turn can choose LIFE for your little one.

This is what my husband’s mother did for him, although her situation at the time was far from ideal. Carrying him to term was not an easy choice (nor was placing him for adoption as soon as he was born), but it was the best and bravest choice she could make, and one for which our entire family is eternally grateful.

“I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live…” – Deuteronomy 30:19

An empowered woman IMPACTS future generations.

Of course, giving birth is just the beginning. As one philosopher observed, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before.”

Motherhood has a way of modifying how a woman thinks, of altering what she values. Things that may once have seemed extremely important will often lose significance once a baby enters the picture — not because the things themselves have changed, but because she has.

An empowered woman is okay with this change. In fact, she embraces it. She recognizes what an incredible but fleeting opportunity a mother has to pour into the lives of her children, to love and hold and spend time with them, to train and teach them.

True power is not to be found in the boardroom, but in the classroom. Not in the White House, but in your house and mine. When we invest in the lives of our children, we are investing in the future — a future that will be upon us much sooner than we expect, for in the blink of an eye, all our little ones will be grown and gone.

“The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”
— William Ross Wallace

An empowered woman IMPARTS practical wisdom.

There are many voices in the world today that want to tell us how we should live. What we should do. How we should think.

When deciding which voice to listen to, it’s always a good idea to first look at the fruit. You shouldn’t plant apple trees if you don’t want to grow apples. And you shouldn’t take advice from bitter, angry, miserable people if you don’t want to be bitter, angry, and miserable yourself.

The Bible paints a compelling portrait of an empowered woman in Proverbs 31: She is smart. She is strong. She’s hard-working and industrious. She is capable, confident, and cool-headed.

Beyond all that, we are told that “she opens her mouth in skillful and godly wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness, giving counsel and instruction.” (Proverbs 30:26)

An empowered woman has a wealth of wisdom and experience to share with others. The counsel she offers is sound — not some half-baked theory or failed rhetoric. It is tested and proven, tried and true. She teaches through example. She lives out her faith day by day, month by month, year by year.

I’m thankful for the many wonderful mentors God has provided for me over the years – friends who were further down life’s road than I, who took seriously God’s charge for the older women to teach the younger to love their husbands, love their children, and be keepers at home. (Titus 2:3-5) As I transition into the role of an older woman myself now, I hope to clasp, carry, and pass on that baton as smoothly as they have done.

“It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf.”
— Walter Lippmann

The power to inspire others, to invigorate the opposite sex, to incubate new life, to impact the future, and to impart practical wisdom — this is Girl Power in a nutshell. But “with great power comes great responsibility.” How will you use yours?

The post 5 Hidden Powers of Womanhood appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 6: How to Stop Arguing with your Spouse

Even in the best of marriages, couples will have differences of opinions. But how can we keep occasional disagreements from resulting in harsh tones, angry words, and hurt feelings? How can we quit quarreling with our spouse?

That’s the topic for this week’s episode of The Loving Life at Home Podcast. Tune in for 10 tips for avoiding unnecessary arguments in marriage.

The material for this episode was taken from a blog post I wrote back in 2016, which you may read in its entirety below today’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITEDProverbs 10:19 – “With a multitude of words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise.”Proverbs 16:18 – “Prides goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.”James 4:6 – “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”Ephesians 4:26 – “‘ In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”James 1:19 – “This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”Proverbs 21:1 – “The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will.”Matthew 18:21-22 – “Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.'”Matthew 6:14-15 – “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”Proverbs 17:14 – “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.”James 1:5 – “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”2 Corinthians 7:9 – “And now I rejoice, not because you were made sorrowful, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you felt the sorrow that God had intended, and so were not harmed in any way by us.”Galatians 6:1 – “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”Genesis 2:25 – “Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shameRELATED POSTS9 Ways to Defuse a Disagreement25 Ways to Disagree with DignityFOR FURTHER READINGLove Your Husband/ Love Yourself25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your HusbandOur Top 10 Tips for Couples who Want to Quit Quarreling:

How can I stop arguing in my marriage?

That’s the message one of my readers sent in a few weeks ago. Only eight words, but they describe a big problem.

How can the solution to such a simple, straight-forward question be so elusive?

Even in the best of marriages, couples will occasionally “butt heads.” How do we keep conflicts from spinning out of control?

My husband and I have known each other for almost thirty years, and we’ve been married for nearly twenty-nine. Since we’re both firstborn and innately stubborn, I can assure you that in those three decades, we’ve had our fair share of arguments. But in the process, we’ve learned a thing or two about how to stop an quarrel before it starts.

Trade your pride in for humility.

Nobody is right 100% of the time, so stop pretending that you’re the exception to this rule. Be willing to look at things from your spouse’s perspective. Put at least as much effort into understanding the other’s viewpoint as you put into articulating your own. How many marriages have been destroyed by the stubborn refusal of either or both parties to humbly extend such basic considerations?

“Prides goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.” – Proverbs 16:18

Give up the right to have the last word.

Have you ever known (or been married to) someone who insists on always having the last word? It can be super-annoying, can’t it? Don’t be that person. Once you have gently explained your point of view, challenge yourself to remain quiet and voluntarily grant that last-word privilege to your spouse.

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash

Stay calm, especially when your spouse is stirred up.

It’s almost inevitable that your spouse will occasionally do or say something that irritates you, yet it’s important to keep those feelings of annoyance from turning into anger — particularly when the irritation is mutual. The Bible warns us not to let our anger control us (Ephesians 4:26). It is bad enough when one of you gives into anger; if you both lose your temper at once, the potential for damage is doubled, so take a deep breath, count to ten, and do whatever it takes to keep a cool head.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

Don’t belabor the point.

Make it your aim to communicate your thoughts clearly and concisely. That is a goal over which you have some measure of control. Convincing the other person to agree with you completely or to abandon their viewpoint in favor of your own, isn’t — and if you make it your goal, you will be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment.

“You don’t need to drive it in and break it off.” – My dad’s advice to me whenever I’d perseverate on getting a point across

Be quick to apologize.

“Let not the sun go down on your wrath.” (Ephesians 4:26) That’s how the Bible advises us to deal with our anger. That gives you only a few hours to bury the hatchet before bedtime, so if you’ve had a spat, don’t wait for your spouse to make the first move toward reconciliation. Accept whatever blame belongs to you and apologize without pointing fingers.

“Love means never hesitating to say you’re sorry.” – My edited version of Erich Segal’s famous quote

Forgive without being asked.

You should forgive your spouse freely, as frequently as you are asked to do so (Matthew 18:21-22), but don’t feel like you have to wait for an apology before extending forgiveness. When you forgive — even (especially) if it is unsolicited — you protect your own heart from bitterness and resentment and keep your conscience clear toward God, who promises to forgive us as we forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15)

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham

Anticipate problems in advance.

With a little forethought, you can resolve many problems before they crop up. Identify common argument triggers and agree on an appropriate course of action beforehand. I know it puts my husband on edge when the house is a wreck, so I try to keep things tidy for his peace of mind. Likewise, he knows that I don’t like for him to look at his phone while driving, so he has me answer it for him when he receives a call on the road and pulls over to look at maps or send texts.

“The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” – Proverbs 17:14

Embrace your differences.

Men and women are inherently different, not only in the way their bodies are made, but in the way they think and act and in what they value. “Different is not necessarily wrong, it’s just… different.” Stop trying to change your spouse to be more like you and learn instead to embrace those differences. Adapt to them. Be grateful for them. Celebrate the fact they exist. Life would be pretty boring if they didn’t.

“Vive la différence!” – Popular French saying which means long live the difference (between the sexes)

Confront sin carefully.

Of course, not all differences in behavior are a matter of taste, preference, or opinion. Sometimes our differences are rooted in sin. If such a power is at play in your marriage (and to some degree, sin rears its ugly head in every relationship), you may need to address the matter with your spouse. Do so in a firm but loving way, and pray for wisdom and the right words to say before you broach the subject (James 1:5). Be specific. Don’t generalize. Seek forgiveness for anything you’ve done that may have contributed to the problem (see #5 above), then leave room for the Holy Spirit to work in your spouse’s heart, convicting of sin and drawing unto repentance (2 Corinthians 7:9).

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” – Galatians 6:1

If you must argue, argue naked.

There are several advantages to having a difficult discussion in the nude: First, you are less likely to storm out of the house in the middle of it, slamming doors as you leave. Second, being naked puts you both in an exposed, vulnerable position, and tempers are less likely to flare when that is the case. Third, if you don’t have any clothes on, you are one step closer to making up when peace is restored. And fourth, seeing one another naked may inspire you to skip the argument altogether and enjoy some physical intimacy instead. Once all the resultant endorphins are circulating in your system, you may find the things that were irritating you earlier no longer even matter to your post-sex brain. So it’s a win-win!

“Make love, not war.” – Slogan coined by the hippie generation of the 1960’s

These ten practices aren’t theoretical; they are tried and true. My husband and I have been using them with great success for over a quarter century now. Sure, we still have impassioned discussions from time to time. We have different personalities and do not always see eye-to-eye.

But we are also a team. We are committed to marriage in general and to each other in specific, and we can attest that these guidelines, coupled with God’s unsurpassed grace, have kept those disagreements from driving a wedge into our relationship and causing a split or an all-out war.

What’s more, these principles (with the exception of #10) can be used to avoid arguments in your other relationships, as well. For more on this topic, read this post. Do you have a good secret for keeping the quarreling at bay? Please share in the comments below. Thanks!

More Biblically Sound Marriage Tips

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.

The post EP 6: How to Stop Arguing with your Spouse appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

10 Ways to Stop Arguing with your Spouse

Even in the best of marriages, couples will have differences of opinions. But how can we keep occasional disagreements from resulting in harsh tones, angry words, and hurt feelings? How can we quit quarreling with our spouse?

That’s the topic for this week’s episode of The Loving Life at Home Podcast. Tune in for 10 tips for avoiding unnecessary arguments in marriage.

The material for this episode was taken from a blog post I wrote back in 2016, which you may read in its entirety below today’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITEDProverbs 10:19 – “With a multitude of words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise.”Proverbs 16:18 – “Prides goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.”James 4:6 – “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”Ephesians 4:26 – “‘ In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”James 1:19 – “This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”Proverbs 21:1 – “The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will.”Matthew 18:21-22 – “Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.'”Matthew 6:14-15 – “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”Proverbs 17:14 – “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.”James 1:5 – “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”2 Corinthians 7:9 – “And now I rejoice, not because you were made sorrowful, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you felt the sorrow that God had intended, and so were not harmed in any way by us.”Galatians 6:1 – “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”Genesis 2:25 – “Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shameRELATED POSTS9 Ways to Defuse a Disagreement25 Ways to Disagree with DignityFOR FURTHER READINGLove Your Husband/ Love Yourself25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your HusbandOur Top 10 Tips for Couples who Want to Quit Quarreling:

How can I stop arguing in my marriage?

That’s the message one of my readers sent in a few weeks ago. Only eight words, but they describe a big problem.

How can the solution to such a simple, straight-forward question be so elusive?

Even in the best of marriages, couples will occasionally “butt heads.” How do we keep conflicts from spinning out of control?

My husband and I have known each other for almost thirty years, and we’ve been married for nearly twenty-nine. Since we’re both firstborn and innately stubborn, I can assure you that in those three decades, we’ve had our fair share of arguments. But in the process, we’ve learned a thing or two about how to stop an quarrel before it starts.

Trade your pride in for humility.

Nobody is right 100% of the time, so stop pretending that you’re the exception to this rule. Be willing to look at things from your spouse’s perspective. Put at least as much effort into understanding the other’s viewpoint as you put into articulating your own. How many marriages have been destroyed by the stubborn refusal of either or both parties to humbly extend such basic considerations?

“Prides goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.” – Proverbs 16:18

Give up the right to have the last word.

Have you ever known (or been married to) someone who insists on always having the last word? It can be super-annoying, can’t it? Don’t be that person. Once you have gently explained your point of view, challenge yourself to remain quiet and voluntarily grant that last-word privilege to your spouse.

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash

Stay calm, especially when your spouse is stirred up.

It’s almost inevitable that your spouse will occasionally do or say something that irritates you, yet it’s important to keep those feelings of annoyance from turning into anger — particularly when the irritation is mutual. The Bible warns us not to let our anger control us (Ephesians 4:26). It is bad enough when one of you gives into anger; if you both lose your temper at once, the potential for damage is doubled, so take a deep breath, count to ten, and do whatever it takes to keep a cool head.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

Don’t belabor the point.

Make it your aim to communicate your thoughts clearly and concisely. That is a goal over which you have some measure of control. Convincing the other person to agree with you completely or to abandon their viewpoint in favor of your own, isn’t — and if you make it your goal, you will be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment.

“You don’t need to drive it in and break it off.” – My dad’s advice to me whenever I’d perseverate on getting a point across

Be quick to apologize.

“Let not the sun go down on your wrath.” (Ephesians 4:26) That’s how the Bible advises us to deal with our anger. That gives you only a few hours to bury the hatchet before bedtime, so if you’ve had a spat, don’t wait for your spouse to make the first move toward reconciliation. Accept whatever blame belongs to you and apologize without pointing fingers.

“Love means never hesitating to say you’re sorry.” – My edited version of Erich Segal’s famous quote

Forgive without being asked.

You should forgive your spouse freely, as frequently as you are asked to do so (Matthew 18:21-22), but don’t feel like you have to wait for an apology before extending forgiveness. When you forgive — even (especially) if it is unsolicited — you protect your own heart from bitterness and resentment and keep your conscience clear toward God, who promises to forgive us as we forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15)

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham

Anticipate problems in advance.

With a little forethought, you can resolve many problems before they crop up. Identify common argument triggers and agree on an appropriate course of action beforehand. I know it puts my husband on edge when the house is a wreck, so I try to keep things tidy for his peace of mind. Likewise, he knows that I don’t like for him to look at his phone while driving, so he has me answer it for him when he receives a call on the road and pulls over to look at maps or send texts.

“The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” – Proverbs 17:14

Embrace your differences.

Men and women are inherently different, not only in the way their bodies are made, but in the way they think and act and in what they value. “Different is not necessarily wrong, it’s just… different.” Stop trying to change your spouse to be more like you and learn instead to embrace those differences. Adapt to them. Be grateful for them. Celebrate the fact they exist. Life would be pretty boring if they didn’t.

“Vive la différence!” – Popular French saying which means long live the difference (between the sexes)

Confront sin carefully.

Of course, not all differences in behavior are a matter of taste, preference, or opinion. Sometimes our differences are rooted in sin. If such a power is at play in your marriage (and to some degree, sin rears its ugly head in every relationship), you may need to address the matter with your spouse. Do so in a firm but loving way, and pray for wisdom and the right words to say before you broach the subject (James 1:5). Be specific. Don’t generalize. Seek forgiveness for anything you’ve done that may have contributed to the problem (see #5 above), then leave room for the Holy Spirit to work in your spouse’s heart, convicting of sin and drawing unto repentance (2 Corinthians 7:9).

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” – Galatians 6:1

If you must argue, argue naked.

There are several advantages to having a difficult discussion in the nude: First, you are less likely to storm out of the house in the middle of it, slamming doors as you leave. Second, being naked puts you both in an exposed, vulnerable position, and tempers are less likely to flare when that is the case. Third, if you don’t have any clothes on, you are one step closer to making up when peace is restored. And fourth, seeing one another naked may inspire you to skip the argument altogether and enjoy some physical intimacy instead. Once all the resultant endorphins are circulating in your system, you may find the things that were irritating you earlier no longer even matter to your post-sex brain. So it’s a win-win!

“Make love, not war.” – Slogan coined by the hippie generation of the 1960’s

These ten practices aren’t theoretical; they are tried and true. My husband and I have been using them with great success for over a quarter century now. Sure, we still have impassioned discussions from time to time. We have different personalities and do not always see eye-to-eye.

But we are also a team. We are committed to marriage in general and to each other in specific, and we can attest that these guidelines, coupled with God’s unsurpassed grace, have kept those disagreements from driving a wedge into our relationship and causing a split or an all-out war.

What’s more, these principles (with the exception of #10) can be used to avoid arguments in your other relationships, as well. For more on this topic, read this post. Do you have a good secret for keeping the quarreling at bay? Please share in the comments below. Thanks!

More Biblically Sound Marriage Tips

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.

The post 10 Ways to Stop Arguing with your Spouse appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

EP 5: In Defense of Multitasking

I think multitasking has gotten a bad rap these days.

Sure, some forms of multitasking are downright foolish: Texting while driving can be deadly. Mindlessly munching on junk food while watching TV is bad for your waistline.

And I know better than to try scrolling through social media, eyes glued to phone, when my husband is in the mood for a meaningful conversation. Or a hot meal or a clean house or anything else, for that matter. Doing so would be rude and disrespectful.

But aside from a handful of ill-advised pairings like the ones mentioned above, I’ve always thought multitasking makes a lot sense. I wouldn’t be able to accomplish half of the things I do without doubling up at times.

So in this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home, I’m sharing 10 of my favorite ways to multitask. Much of this material came from a blog post I originally wrote in 2019, an updated version of which is printed below today’s show notes.

Show NotesVerses cited:Psalm 90:12 – “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.”Proverbs 31:27 – “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”Related posts:5-Minute Task List – many of these quick chores can be done while listening to audiobooks or podcasts or while waiting for water to boil or a bathtub to fill or food to cook, etc.My Favorite Ways of Multitasking

Multitasking done right means matching a relatively mindless activity – like jogging – with something that will increase your enjoyment and productivity – like listening to Ted Talks while lapping the block.

Modern day appliances make it easy for us to multitask. I can start dinner in the crockpot or a load of laundry in the washer and let them work their magic while I clean house or do lessons with my children. What a timesaver!

Our forefathers understood multitasking. They’d call all the neighbors together and build friendships while raising a barn. The women did the same with quilting bees. They’d share news, encouragement, and hearty laughs around a quilting frame while pushing their needles up then down through the thick layers of fabric and batting.

I’ve been to a couple of quilting bees and must say that I found it quite enjoyable. Here are a few more of my favorite ways to boost productivity through multitasking:

Listening to podcasts while folding clothes

With seven children still living at home, we cycle through a lot of laundry. Even though the kids and my sweet husband help out with the folding, there’s enough left for me to do that I get through several podcasts a week. Doing so keeps my mind engaged while my hands are busy.

Praying while climbing stairs

Stair climbing makes for great cardiovascular exercise, but a monotonous workout. Instead of counting flights, I pray through a list of family members and friends – one for each trip up and down our staircase. When I get to the end of the prayer requests, I know exactly how many flights I’ve logged.

One-on-one time while running errands

Looking for a great way to give some individual attention to your children? Take them to run errands with you one at a time. We kept a list. Our older ones had such fond memories of running errands with dad that once they learned to drive, they wanted to be put on the rotation for taking younger siblings on outings when they had work to do, too.

Doing Sudoku while soaking in the tubOne of my favorite multitasking methods is working sudoku puzzles in the bathroom. I keep a book of these number puzzles handy and work one whenever I’m relaxing in a hot bath… or anytime else I’m stuck in that room for an extended period of time. Reviewing memory verses while going to sleep at nightNothing ensures I’ll drift off faster than when I try to use that time to rehearse passages I’m trying to commit to memory. I’m sure Satan doesn’t want us thinking about scripture as we lay in bed at night. So I just quietly quote them in my head, and I’m usually sawing logs in a matter of minutes. Writing letters while waiting for doctor’s appointments Although my wait time is usually minimal, unexpected and unavoidable delays are common for physicians, so I always pack a few notecards or a book to read before heading to the clinic. Between my daughter’s broken arm and the follow-ups to my well woman check, I’ve used time spent in waiting and examination rooms to pen close to a dozen letters since January. Singing in the shower

The shower is a great place to vocalize. Whether I’m singing praise songs or Italian arias, I can really belt it out in there without anybody looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.I’ve also been known to keep an open hymnal by my sink, as I like to sing while scrubbing dishes or spot treating laundry, and I sometimes forget the words to the middle verses of the Christian classics I’ve loved since childhood. (The little Baptist church where I grew up was bad about just singing the first and last verses and skipping all the rich doctrine taught in between.)

Sewing while my husband or children read aloud

We still have story time every evening after dinner. My husband finished re-reading To Kill a Mockingbird to the family last week (easy to understand why that one’s a classic!) And he’s just a couple of chapters away from finishing Belly Up this week (this one was new to us, but delightfully imaginative).Not only does Dad read to all of us, but our kids read to me for school and to one another for entertainment, as well. (In our house, to echo the grandfather out of Princess Bride, television is called books.)This is especially true during winter months, which makes for a lot of reading and a lot of sewing. And explains how I’ve managed to finish stitching six new sequined Christmas stockings since the end of December.

Listening to audiobooks while traveling

If I’m the one driving, the storyline helps keep me awake. But more often than not, I’m in the passenger seat, which allows me to really make the most of my multi-tasking and crochet while listening and traveling. I’ve finished many a baby blanket that way on extended road trips over the years.

Making educational stops during road trips

Anybody who has ever traveled cross country with children knows such an undertaking requires a lot of bathroom and stretch breaks. Rather than stopping at gas stations to relieve full bladders (which takes a lot of time when a family as big as mine has to line up outside single stalls and go one-at-a-time), we take our bathroom breaks at educational stops instead: state capitol buildings, factory tours, science museums that offer reciprocal benefits, botanical gardens, etc.

If you’ve bought into the hype that multi-tasking is bad for your brain or makes you less efficient, I’d urge you to reconsider. I think those studies are focusing mainly on digital and online activities – like checking Twitter while you’re supposed to be writing a report.

Too much screen time is bad for you, whether you’re trying to multi-task or not.

But I’ve been doing the kind of multi-tasking described above for decades now, and I can’t tell that doing so has negatively impacted my brain function or attention span or efficiency at all. In fact, I’d argue that exactly the opposite has happened.

The post EP 5: In Defense of Multitasking appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

In Defense of Multitasking

I think multitasking has gotten a bad rap these days.

Sure, some forms of multitasking are downright foolish: Texting while driving can be deadly. Mindlessly munching on junk food while watching TV is bad for your waistline.

And I know better than to try scrolling through social media, eyes glued to phone, when my husband is in the mood for a meaningful conversation. Or a hot meal or a clean house or anything else, for that matter. Doing so would be rude and disrespectful.

But aside from a handful of ill-advised pairings like the ones mentioned above, I’ve always thought multitasking makes a lot sense. I wouldn’t be able to accomplish half of the things I do without doubling up at times.

So in this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home, I’m sharing 10 of my favorite ways to multitask. Much of this material came from a blog post I originally wrote in 2019, an updated version of which is printed below today’s show notes.

Show NotesVerses cited:Psalm 90:12 – “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.”Proverbs 31:27 – “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”Related posts:5-Minute Task List – many of these quick chores can be done while listening to audiobooks or podcasts or while waiting for water to boil or a bathtub to fill or food to cook, etc.My Favorite Ways of Multitasking

Multitasking done right means matching a relatively mindless activity – like jogging – with something that will increase your enjoyment and productivity – like listening to Ted Talks while lapping the block.

Modern day appliances make it easy for us to multitask. I can start dinner in the crockpot or a load of laundry in the washer and let them work their magic while I clean house or do lessons with my children. What a timesaver!

Our forefathers understood multitasking. They’d call all the neighbors together and build friendships while raising a barn. The women did the same with quilting bees. They’d share news, encouragement, and hearty laughs around a quilting frame while pushing their needles up then down through the thick layers of fabric and batting.

I’ve been to a couple of quilting bees and must say that I found it quite enjoyable. Here are a few more of my favorite ways to boost productivity through multitasking:

Listening to podcasts while folding clothes

With seven children still living at home, we cycle through a lot of laundry. Even though the kids and my sweet husband help out with the folding, there’s enough left for me to do that I get through several podcasts a week. Doing so keeps my mind engaged while my hands are busy.

Praying while climbing stairs

Stair climbing makes for great cardiovascular exercise, but a monotonous workout. Instead of counting flights, I pray through a list of family members and friends – one for each trip up and down our staircase. When I get to the end of the prayer requests, I know exactly how many flights I’ve logged.

One-on-one time while running errands

Looking for a great way to give some individual attention to your children? Take them to run errands with you one at a time. We kept a list. Our older ones had such fond memories of running errands with dad that once they learned to drive, they wanted to be put on the rotation for taking younger siblings on outings when they had work to do, too.

Doing Sudoku while soaking in the tubOne of my favorite multitasking methods is working sudoku puzzles in the bathroom. I keep a book of these number puzzles handy and work one whenever I’m relaxing in a hot bath… or anytime else I’m stuck in that room for an extended period of time. Reviewing memory verses while going to sleep at nightNothing ensures I’ll drift off faster than when I try to use that time to rehearse passages I’m trying to commit to memory. I’m sure Satan doesn’t want us thinking about scripture as we lay in bed at night. So I just quietly quote them in my head, and I’m usually sawing logs in a matter of minutes. Writing letters while waiting for doctor’s appointments Although my wait time is usually minimal, unexpected and unavoidable delays are common for physicians, so I always pack a few notecards or a book to read before heading to the clinic. Between my daughter’s broken arm and the follow-ups to my well woman check, I’ve used time spent in waiting and examination rooms to pen close to a dozen letters since January. Singing in the shower

The shower is a great place to vocalize. Whether I’m singing praise songs or Italian arias, I can really belt it out in there without anybody looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.I’ve also been known to keep an open hymnal by my sink, as I like to sing while scrubbing dishes or spot treating laundry, and I sometimes forget the words to the middle verses of the Christian classics I’ve loved since childhood. (The little Baptist church where I grew up was bad about just singing the first and last verses and skipping all the rich doctrine taught in between.)

Sewing while my husband or children read aloud

We still have story time every evening after dinner. My husband finished re-reading To Kill a Mockingbird to the family last week (easy to understand why that one’s a classic!) And he’s just a couple of chapters away from finishing Belly Up this week (this one was new to us, but delightfully imaginative).Not only does Dad read to all of us, but our kids read to me for school and to one another for entertainment, as well. (In our house, to echo the grandfather out of Princess Bride, television is called books.)This is especially true during winter months, which makes for a lot of reading and a lot of sewing. And explains how I’ve managed to finish stitching six new sequined Christmas stockings since the end of December.

Listening to audiobooks while traveling

If I’m the one driving, the storyline helps keep me awake. But more often than not, I’m in the passenger seat, which allows me to really make the most of my multi-tasking and crochet while listening and traveling. I’ve finished many a baby blanket that way on extended road trips over the years.

Making educational stops during road trips

Anybody who has ever traveled cross country with children knows such an undertaking requires a lot of bathroom and stretch breaks. Rather than stopping at gas stations to relieve full bladders (which takes a lot of time when a family as big as mine has to line up outside single stalls and go one-at-a-time), we take our bathroom breaks at educational stops instead: state capitol buildings, factory tours, science museums that offer reciprocal benefits, botanical gardens, etc.

If you’ve bought into the hype that multi-tasking is bad for your brain or makes you less efficient, I’d urge you to reconsider. I think those studies are focusing mainly on digital and online activities – like checking Twitter while you’re supposed to be writing a report.

Too much screen time is bad for you, whether you’re trying to multi-task or not.

But I’ve been doing the kind of multi-tasking described above for decades now, and I can’t tell that doing so has negatively impacted my brain function or attention span or efficiency at all. In fact, I’d argue that exactly the opposite has happened.

The post In Defense of Multitasking appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

6 Parenting Mistakes You Can’t Afford to Make

We all flub up from time to time. None of us are perfect parents. But there are a few very big, but very common parenting mistakes we’d like to avoid or counteract if we can. Sometimes, the things we do in an attempt to “help our kids out” end up “holding them back” instead. Sometimes, our parenting mistakes actually just serve to handicap our children.

Countless habits fall into this category, but in this episode of Loving Life at Home, we’ll look at six parenting practices — all extremely common in our current culture — that will sabotage your child’s future success if you don’t guard against them.

The material for this week’s podcast was taken from a blog post I wrote in 2019, which you can read in its entirety beneath today’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED“If any will not work, neither let him eat.” – 2 Thessalonians 3:10“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than men…” – Colossians 3:23“Excuses might be found for a thief who steals because he is starving.
But if he is caught, he must pay back seven times what he stole, even if he has to sell everything in his house.” – Proverbs 6:30“Keep me from paying attention to what is worthless.” – Psalm 119:37“My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.” – Psalm 119:71“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven…” – Ecclesiastes 3:1“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.” – Mark 10:7-9FREE PRINTABLES MENTIONEDAge-Appropriate Chore ChartBedroom Inspection ChecklistIdeas for Earning Screen Time: ChartFURTHER READING“Play Deprivation is a Major Cause of the Teen Mental Health Crisis.” –  article by Jon Haidt & Peter Gray“8 Ways Screens are Ruining Your Family’s Life” – article by Lori Leibovich for Huffington Post12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You – sobering book by Tony ReinkeLove Your Husband/Love Yourself – my book on prioritizing your marriage, even after childrenParenting Mistakes that will Handicap your Kids

Like most mothers, I love my children dearly and want the very best for them in life. I want to nurture and protect them. I want to fill their childhood with wonderful opportunities to learn and grow and create lasting memories.

As parents, those things are all just part of our job description.

But if we aren’t careful, our mother-love can become smother-love. Sometimes, the things we do to help our kids out end up holding them back instead. Sometimes, our parenting mistakes serve to handicap our children.

Countless habits fall into this category, but I can think of six that are fairly common. If you want to sabotage your child’s future success, here’s a good way to go about it:

Not requiring them to do chores

Want your kids to develop a strong work ethic, learn time management skills, and be better prepared for life? Assign age-appropriate chores.

Have them make their beds, keep bedrooms tidy, clear dinner dishes, and help fold laundry. As they get older, they can pitch in with other household chores and lawn work, as well.

Train them to do their work competently, consistently, and cheerfully. Such traits lay a foundation for future success, regardless what field of work they choose.

Making excuses for misbehavior

True, sometimes junior is cranky because he’s tired. But if he hears you make that excuse often enough, he’ll start to view his tired, cranky feelings as a free pass to behave badly. And that’s not good for anybody.

If missing naps or eating sugar or playing video games or taking tests or hitting puberty or having to sit still for long periods of time makes it difficult for your child to behave properly, then by all means take such considerations into account when drafting schedules, menus, and vacation plans.

But don’t use less-than-ideal circumstances to justify misbehavior, in your own mind or in the mind of your child.

Instead, teach your children to be courteous and kind, whether they feel like it or not. Don’t tolerate hateful, unruly, obnoxious behavior, as it will only serve to make your kids and everyone around them miserable.

Over-reliance on electronic devices for entertainment

Have you ever noticed how still the house gets when your kids are watching TV or playing a video game or surfing the Internet or are otherwise engaged with computers and smart phones? As a parent, I understand how tempting it is to use screen time to purchase a couple of hours of peace and quiet.

But allowing screen time to become the rule rather than the exception is an all-too-common parenting mistake. When we make this the norm, some scary things start to happen. Interpersonal skills suffer. Brains get rewired. Creativity dwindles. Attention spans shorten. Family time disappears.

If we aren’t careful, our kids will fritter away their entire childhood staring at screens. We can’t let that happen. The majority of screen time would be better spent reading books, riding bikes, building forts, drawing pictures, making friends, and playing in the fresh air and sunshine.

Do your kids (and yourself!) a favor and set some reasonable boundaries when it comes to using technological devices.

Rescuing your child from consequences of bad decisions

Did your young scholar wait until the last minute to start a science project? If you stay up half the night doing the work yourself, you will rob your child of the opportunity to learn an important life lesson while stakes are still low.

Not to mention the fact that by rewarding your child’s procrastination, you’ve removed any incentive for her to do better next time.

To the extent you can let your child suffer natural consequences without risking life or limb to do so, do so. If she neglects her chores, let her miss playtime to finish. If she loses a library book, let her buy the replacement. If she spills the milk, let her help clean it up.

You’ll develop in her a sense of personal responsibility and will drive home the idea that her actions (and inactions) have consequences.

Overscheduling to the exclusion of free time

Avoid the temptation to schedule every minute of your child’s life. Between school and extra-curricular activities – including sports practices, music lessons, dance classes, gym memberships, scout meetings, and church programs – many kids barely have a moment to call their own.

Children need downtime, just like parents. They need time to think, to dream, to explore, to dig deeper into topics that interest them. Give them some unstructured time, free from outside commitments, to pursue some of those screen-free activities mentioned above.

Parents make a mistake when they leave kids no margin.

Neglecting your marriage

Sometimes moms expend so much time and thought and energy taking care of their children that they have nothing left to give their husbands. This is not sustainable. When your marriage suffers, so do your kids.

Children thrive most readily when they’re raised in a stable home with two parents who love them and love one another. So… don’t make your spouse compete with the kids for your attention. Nurture your marriage. Do fun things as a couple. Connect with one another on a regular (preferably daily) basis.

Doing this will model what a healthy, happy marriage looks like. But it will also demonstrate another important lesson: that the entire world does not revolve around your child. The sooner our kids understand that fact, the better.

I will be the first to admit that I’ve made lots of mistakes in my 30+ years of parenting. At one time or other, I’ve committed all six faux pas listed above.

Perhaps you have, too.

But by God’s grace, we can learn from our past mistakes. And we can make sure none of them become a habit.

 

The post 6 Parenting Mistakes You Can’t Afford to Make appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

6 Parenting Mistakes That Will Handicap Your Child

We all flub up from time to time. None of us are perfect parents. But there are a few very big, but very common parenting mistakes we’d like to avoid or counteract if we can. Sometimes, the things we do in an attempt to “help our kids out” end up “holding them back” instead. Sometimes, our parenting mistakes actually just serve to handicap our children.

Countless habits fall into this category, but in this episode of Loving Life at Home, we’ll look at six parenting practices — all extremely common in our current culture — that will sabotage your child’s future success if you don’t guard against them.

The material for this week’s podcast was taken from a blog post I wrote in 2019, which you can read in its entirety beneath today’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED“If any will not work, neither let him eat.” – 2 Thessalonians 3:10“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than men…” – Colossians 3:23“Excuses might be found for a thief who steals because he is starving.
But if he is caught, he must pay back seven times what he stole, even if he has to sell everything in his house.” – Proverbs 6:30“Keep me from paying attention to what is worthless.” – Psalm 119:37“My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.” – Psalm 119:71“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven…” – Ecclesiastes 3:1“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.” – Mark 10:7-9FREE PRINTABLES MENTIONEDAge-Appropriate Chore ChartBedroom Inspection ChecklistIdeas for Earning Screen Time: ChartFURTHER READING“Play Deprivation is a Major Cause of the Teen Mental Health Crisis.” –  article by Jon Haidt & Peter Gray“8 Ways Screens are Ruining Your Family’s Life” – article by Lori Leibovich for Huffington Post12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You – sobering book by Tony ReinkeLove Your Husband/Love Yourself – my book on prioritizing your marriage, even after childrenParenting Mistakes that will Handicap your Kids

Like most mothers, I love my children dearly and want the very best for them in life. I want to nurture and protect them. I want to fill their childhood with wonderful opportunities to learn and grow and create lasting memories.

As parents, those things are all just part of our job description.

But if we aren’t careful, our mother-love can become smother-love. Sometimes, the things we do to help our kids out end up holding them back instead. Sometimes, our parenting mistakes serve to handicap our children.

Countless habits fall into this category, but I can think of six that are fairly common. If you want to sabotage your child’s future success, here’s a good way to go about it:

Not requiring them to do chores

Want your kids to develop a strong work ethic, learn time management skills, and be better prepared for life? Assign age-appropriate chores.

Have them make their beds, keep bedrooms tidy, clear dinner dishes, and help fold laundry. As they get older, they can pitch in with other household chores and lawn work, as well.

Train them to do their work competently, consistently, and cheerfully. Such traits lay a foundation for future success, regardless what field of work they choose.

Making excuses for misbehavior

True, sometimes junior is cranky because he’s tired. But if he hears you make that excuse often enough, he’ll start to view his tired, cranky feelings as a free pass to behave badly. And that’s not good for anybody.

If missing naps or eating sugar or playing video games or taking tests or hitting puberty or having to sit still for long periods of time makes it difficult for your child to behave properly, then by all means take such considerations into account when drafting schedules, menus, and vacation plans.

But don’t use less-than-ideal circumstances to justify misbehavior, in your own mind or in the mind of your child.

Instead, teach your children to be courteous and kind, whether they feel like it or not. Don’t tolerate hateful, unruly, obnoxious behavior, as it will only serve to make your kids and everyone around them miserable.

Over-reliance on electronic devices for entertainment

Have you ever noticed how still the house gets when your kids are watching TV or playing a video game or surfing the Internet or are otherwise engaged with computers and smart phones? As a parent, I understand how tempting it is to use screen time to purchase a couple of hours of peace and quiet.

But allowing screen time to become the rule rather than the exception is an all-too-common parenting mistake. When we make this the norm, some scary things start to happen. Interpersonal skills suffer. Brains get rewired. Creativity dwindles. Attention spans shorten. Family time disappears.

If we aren’t careful, our kids will fritter away their entire childhood staring at screens. We can’t let that happen. The majority of screen time would be better spent reading books, riding bikes, building forts, drawing pictures, making friends, and playing in the fresh air and sunshine.

Do your kids (and yourself!) a favor and set some reasonable boundaries when it comes to using technological devices.

Rescuing your child from consequences of bad decisions

Did your young scholar wait until the last minute to start a science project? If you stay up half the night doing the work yourself, you will rob your child of the opportunity to learn an important life lesson while stakes are still low.

Not to mention the fact that by rewarding your child’s procrastination, you’ve removed any incentive for her to do better next time.

To the extent you can let your child suffer natural consequences without risking life or limb to do so, do so. If she neglects her chores, let her miss playtime to finish. If she loses a library book, let her buy the replacement. If she spills the milk, let her help clean it up.

You’ll develop in her a sense of personal responsibility and will drive home the idea that her actions (and inactions) have consequences.

Overscheduling to the exclusion of free time

Avoid the temptation to schedule every minute of your child’s life. Between school and extra-curricular activities – including sports practices, music lessons, dance classes, gym memberships, scout meetings, and church programs – many kids barely have a moment to call their own.

Children need downtime, just like parents. They need time to think, to dream, to explore, to dig deeper into topics that interest them. Give them some unstructured time, free from outside commitments, to pursue some of those screen-free activities mentioned above.

Parents make a mistake when they leave kids no margin.

Neglecting your marriage

Sometimes moms expend so much time and thought and energy taking care of their children that they have nothing left to give their husbands. This is not sustainable. When your marriage suffers, so do your kids.

Children thrive most readily when they’re raised in a stable home with two parents who love them and love one another. So… don’t make your spouse compete with the kids for your attention. Nurture your marriage. Do fun things as a couple. Connect with one another on a regular (preferably daily) basis.

Doing this will model what a healthy, happy marriage looks like. But it will also demonstrate another important lesson: that the entire world does not revolve around your child. The sooner our kids understand that fact, the better.

I will be the first to admit that I’ve made lots of mistakes in my 30+ years of parenting. At one time or other, I’ve committed all six faux pas listed above.

Perhaps you have, too.

But by God’s grace, we can learn from our past mistakes. And we can make sure none of them become a habit.

The post 6 Parenting Mistakes That Will Handicap Your Child appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

Learn to Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language

Want a powerful way to improve your marriage? Learn to speak your spouse’s love language! In this week’s podcast, I share six practical ways to gain proficiency in your husband’s preferred love language —  and I also discuss what to do if he isn’t  fluent in yours.

Show Notes:

The material for this week’s podcast was taken from a post I originally wrote in 2020, which you may read in its entirety below.

BOOKS MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:The Five Love Languages by Gary ChapmanLove Your Husband/Love Your Yourself by Jennifer FlandersSUPPORTING SCRIPTURES:“Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.” (1 John 3:18)“Let all that you do be done in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:14)RELATED LINKS:Weekly Newsletter – join 19K other subscribers to Flanders Family FreebiesFlanders Family Home Life – my family blog, full of free printable resources + parenting tipsLoving Life at Home – my marriage blog where I discuss topics of interest to wivesAppreciate Your Spouse’s Differences

My husband loves conversation hearts. By which I mean, he actually enjoys the taste of them. He seldom pauses to admire their pretty pastel colors or cute, chunky shape. Nor does he normally bother to read what they say. He just downs them by the handful, crunching them between his teeth with a boyish grin on his lips.

As soon as he spots these ubiquitous Valentine treats at the grocery store in mid-January, he buys them by the bagful. If he finds conversation hearts on the clearance aisle after Valentine’s Day is over, he cleans them out. Such confections are only available a couple of months of the year, so he likes to stock up while he can.

But Doug rarely buys any conversation hearts for me.

For me, he gets chocolate. Chocolate with nuts. Chocolate with toffee or peanut butter. Even chocolate with coconut, which he detests, but I relish.

That’s because my husband knows how to speak my love language.

Discover Your Spouse’s Love Language

In his groundbreaking marriage book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman identifies five basic ways individuals give and receive love. These include words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

(Yes, I realize “chocolate” is not actually on this list. It should be. That was obviously an oversight on the author’s part.)

Order The 5 Love Languages Today

The 5 Love Languages has been a New York Times bestseller for ten years running. I highly recommend it. The book has sold over 12 million copies, and for good reason. Chapman calls these love languages “the secret to lasting love.”

After enjoying more than three decades of happy marriage ourselves, my husband and I have learned a thing or two about effective, loving communication. Here are a few things to remember as you’re learning to speak your lover’s language.

Master Your Spouse’s Love LanguagePractice regularly

As a military brat, my husband spent his early childhood in Turkey. Consequently, he learned to speak Turkish and English simultaneously. Once his family moved back to the States, however, English was the only language he ever heard or used.

Without regular practice, his Turkish was completely lost. These days, Doug couldn’t even count to ten in Turkish without considerable cramming beforehand.

The same thing is true for love languages. Once you identify your spouse’s love language, you need to put that knowledge to good use. Practice, practice, practice. Without consistent use, you may forget how to communicate in that language altogether.

Ask clarifying questions

For the first 20 years of our marriage, every time I cut a tomato, I gave my husband the juicy, center slices and ate the dry, mealy ends myself. I did this as an act of love — giving him my favorite part while I choked down the less desirable portions, like some kind of culinary martyr.

Then one day, I noticed a thick, ripe, mouthwatering slab of homegrown tomato lying untouched on the edge of my husband’s plate. Thinking perhaps he was too full to finish it, I asked if I might eat it.

“Sure,” Doug answered, “I don’t really like tomatoes when they’re all gooey in the middle like that. I prefer the end slices.”

In other words, for two full decades, my husband had silently entertained the opinion that I was selfishly hogging the choicest part of the tomato and feeding him the scraps, even as I was intentionally trying to do the exact opposite!

The point? Don’t make assumptions. Don’t presume your spouse’s likes and dislikes necessarily align with your own. If you aren’t sure about your partner’s preferences, ask. Otherwise, your best guesses may make you both miss out on something marvelous.

Get outside help as needed

Some people have brains that are wired for language acquisition. They are fluent in more tongues than you can count and seem able to add to that number almost effortlessly.

Other people flounder through high school French, barely passing their vocabulary quizzes. If it weren’t for tutors, language tapes, and learning apps, they’d have flunked out completely. But with the extra help, at least they’re able to exchange niceties (Bonjour!). Or order from a menu (Crêpes, s’il vous plaît). Or ask directions to the bathroom (Où est la toilette?).

Similarly, if you have trouble getting on the same wavelength as your spouse, don’t be afraid to get outside help. Attend a marriage retreat. Read some good books on the topic (like the ones mentioned in this article). Find a happily married mentor. Talk to a trusted Christian counselor.

There is no such thing as a static marriage. You are either growing closer or drifting apart. So be proactive about investing in your relationship and building it up every way you can, including learning to speak your spouse’s love language well.

Study the local dialect

Accents vary from one region of the country to another — a Bostonian’s speech bears little resemblance to a Southerner’s drawl, even though both are (presumably) speaking English. So, too, love languages vary from one couple, one marriage, one household to the next. You may sometimes even notice a slight shift from one day to the next.

For instance, Doug knows that I love chocolate and would welcome a fudge-filled surprise from him anytime. Unless, of course, I’ve lately sworn off sweets in a concerted effort to “get in shape.” In which case, he should not even consider bringing chocolate into the house.

(I like to keep him on his toes like that.)

Likewise, I know my husband loves physical touch. So I do my best to provide generous daily doses. But whenever Doug is actively eating pizza, I give him space. Because I learned many, many years ago that it freaks him out for me to touch him when his hands are greasy, even if my hands are clean.

(Right back at you, Sweetheart.)

So study your mate. Learn what makes him tick. Make note of circumstantial changes. Look for seasonal shifts. And adapt accordingly.

Expand your vocabulary

Did you made an “A” in the conversational Spanish class you took as a Freshman? Congratulations. My guess is, if you ever hope to have a deep and meaningful conversation en Español, you’ll need to command a few more words than you learned in that introductory level course.

The same thing is true for communicating in your spouse’s love language. Is his love language quality time? Quality time can mean long conversations over candlelight dinners, but it should encompass so much more than that.

Run errands together. Pursue a new hobby together. Do chores around the house shoulder-to-shoulder. Take dance lessons, get your scuba diving certification, or attend a cooking class together. Join forces to show hospitality, to volunteer at the local soup kitchen, to coach your kids’ soccer practice. The common thread through all these activities is that you’re doing them as a team. Side-by-side. Together.

Is your spouse’s love language physical touch? Then prioritize your sex life. (For an in-depth look at the benefits you’ll reap by doing so, read my book, Love Your Husband/Love Yourself: Embracing God’s Purpose for Passion in Marriage.)

But don’t stop there. Expand your repertoire to include other kinds of touching, as well. Hold hands, slow dance, take long, hot baths together. Walk arm-in-arm. Cuddle and spoon. Give your spouse a full-body massage. A pat on the back. A playful pinch on the bottom. Scratch his scalp. Kiss his lips. Rest your head on his shoulder. Do a little passionate necking. Squeeze his muscles admiringly. And hug him every chance you get.

Aim for fluency

The longer and more regularly you speak a new language, the more fluent you become. When you’re first learning, it is easy to make mistakes. If you throw up your hands and quit the first (or tenth or twentieth) time you try to say something and are misunderstood, you will never gain mastery.

The same is true when it comes to forging a love that lasts. If your initial efforts to speak your spouse’s love language fall flat, don’t give up. Keep on trying. Study. Learn. Ask questions. The more you practice, the more fluent you’ll become, and the more happiness and satisfaction you will enjoy in your marriage.

Decipher Your Spouse’s Love Language

My family recently took a Mediterranean cruise. We were among only a handful of Americans on the ship. Consequently, we found ourselves surrounded by people who spoke tongues that were foreign to us.

We made friends with a few of them, despite the language barriers. The Italian couple who shared the table next to ours at dinner every night spoke only broken English, but were fluent in German. My German is very rusty, but I managed to haltingly answer a few of the curious questions they asked about our family.

I explained that my husband and I have been married 32 years. And that we have 12 children: Ich bin… mit mein Mann… fur zweiunddreißig Jahren. Wir haben… zwölf Kindern…

They answered back enthusiastically, though I caught only every third word and had to ask them to repeat a few statements. Assuming I understood them clearly, they told us our children are beautiful (“schön”) and very well-mannered (“sehr höflich”) and that Doug and I look much too young (“zu jung”) to have so many.

I was happy to hear such lovely compliments, even if they were spoken in a tongue with which I’m not completely comfortable. The fact I had to work to decipher what my new friends were saying in no way diminished the sincerity of their words. How petty and entitled it would’ve been for me to scorn their kind remarks, just because they weren’t offered in English!

So I leave you with this word of caution: Never discount love that’s expressed in a language that’s foreign to you. Such overtures are still heartfelt, still valuable, still packed with deep emotion.

If you can read a marriage book like 5 Love Languages as a way to better understand your husband, go for it. If it helps you improve upon your own ability to communicate your love for him in more meaningful ways, brava!

Glean as much as you can. Apply what you learn. Keep up the good work.

But if you find yourself scouring such titles with an accusatory eye, you’re heading for trouble. If Chapman’s words leave you feeling irritable and slighted because your husband is not yet fluent in your preferred language, you’d be better off leaving his book on the shelf. It was not, I think, the author’s intent for you to use his book as ammunition against your husband or as a prooftext for all the ways he’s failed to love you well.

The Goal: Become Multi-Lingual

When it comes to love languages, I personally favor words of affirmation. And I like actions that back those words up, such as acts of service or quality time.

Receiving gifts is not my native tongue, and neither is physical touch.

As a newlywed bride, I was unappreciative of either. Much to my shame, I often acted downright disdainful and disgusted when my extremely generous, exuberantly affectionate new husband attempted to communicate his love to me in the ways that most resonated with him. I would’ve preferred for him to just tell me he loves me, then keep his hands to himself and his money in the bank (rather than spending it on gifts I didn’t need).

But thankfully. Thankfully. Thankfully, my husband didn’t give up. He kept on loving me in the best way he knew how, and God eventually convicted me that I needed to stop being so self-centered and receive my husband’s love in the same spirit it was offered. To accept it with genuine gratitude. To seek to understand and appreciate his way of communicating affection.

So now, when my husband brings home gifts, I do my best to welcome them with gladness. (And he’s learned to shop for bargains, as he knows I’ll be happier about a gift if I hear he got a good deal).

And do you know what else? Although I still love words of affirmation, I’ve really learned to delight in physical touch now, as well. So much so that I’d be hard-pressed to choose between the two.

Fortunately, I don’t have to choose.

My advice: Don’t box your mate into using only one language when communicating his love to you. There’s a benefit to becoming fluent in all five.

Senior Couple Using Digital Camera at Marina — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

Or six, if you count chocolate.

And if ever your husband sorts through a package of conversation hearts and passes you one that reads “Love U 4ever,” don’t turn up your nose. Accept it with gratitude. Then find one that reads “Love U More,” place it in the palm of his hand, and whisper, “Right back at you, Sweetheart!”

The post Learn to Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language appeared first on Loving Life at Home.