Jennifer Flanders's Blog, page 14

6 Parenting Mistakes That Will Handicap Your Child

We all flub up from time to time. None of us are perfect parents. But there are a few very big, but very common parenting mistakes we’d like to avoid or counteract if we can. Sometimes, the things we do in an attempt to “help our kids out” end up “holding them back” instead. Sometimes, our parenting mistakes actually just serve to handicap our children.

Countless habits fall into this category, but in this episode of Loving Life at Home, we’ll look at six parenting practices — all extremely common in our current culture — that will sabotage your child’s future success if you don’t guard against them.

The material for this week’s podcast was taken from a blog post I wrote in 2019, which you can read in its entirety beneath today’s show notes.

Show NotesVERSES CITED“If any will not work, neither let him eat.” – 2 Thessalonians 3:10“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than men…” – Colossians 3:23“Excuses might be found for a thief who steals because he is starving.
But if he is caught, he must pay back seven times what he stole, even if he has to sell everything in his house.” – Proverbs 6:30“Keep me from paying attention to what is worthless.” – Psalm 119:37“My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.” – Psalm 119:71“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven…” – Ecclesiastes 3:1“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.” – Mark 10:7-9FREE PRINTABLES MENTIONEDAge-Appropriate Chore ChartBedroom Inspection ChecklistIdeas for Earning Screen Time: ChartFURTHER READING“Play Deprivation is a Major Cause of the Teen Mental Health Crisis.” –  article by Jon Haidt & Peter Gray“8 Ways Screens are Ruining Your Family’s Life” – article by Lori Leibovich for Huffington Post12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You – sobering book by Tony ReinkeLove Your Husband/Love Yourself – my book on prioritizing your marriage, even after childrenParenting Mistakes that will Handicap your Kids

Like most mothers, I love my children dearly and want the very best for them in life. I want to nurture and protect them. I want to fill their childhood with wonderful opportunities to learn and grow and create lasting memories.

As parents, those things are all just part of our job description.

But if we aren’t careful, our mother-love can become smother-love. Sometimes, the things we do to help our kids out end up holding them back instead. Sometimes, our parenting mistakes serve to handicap our children.

Countless habits fall into this category, but I can think of six that are fairly common. If you want to sabotage your child’s future success, here’s a good way to go about it:

Not requiring them to do chores

Want your kids to develop a strong work ethic, learn time management skills, and be better prepared for life? Assign age-appropriate chores.

Have them make their beds, keep bedrooms tidy, clear dinner dishes, and help fold laundry. As they get older, they can pitch in with other household chores and lawn work, as well.

Train them to do their work competently, consistently, and cheerfully. Such traits lay a foundation for future success, regardless what field of work they choose.

Making excuses for misbehavior

True, sometimes junior is cranky because he’s tired. But if he hears you make that excuse often enough, he’ll start to view his tired, cranky feelings as a free pass to behave badly. And that’s not good for anybody.

If missing naps or eating sugar or playing video games or taking tests or hitting puberty or having to sit still for long periods of time makes it difficult for your child to behave properly, then by all means take such considerations into account when drafting schedules, menus, and vacation plans.

But don’t use less-than-ideal circumstances to justify misbehavior, in your own mind or in the mind of your child.

Instead, teach your children to be courteous and kind, whether they feel like it or not. Don’t tolerate hateful, unruly, obnoxious behavior, as it will only serve to make your kids and everyone around them miserable.

Over-reliance on electronic devices for entertainment

Have you ever noticed how still the house gets when your kids are watching TV or playing a video game or surfing the Internet or are otherwise engaged with computers and smart phones? As a parent, I understand how tempting it is to use screen time to purchase a couple of hours of peace and quiet.

But allowing screen time to become the rule rather than the exception is an all-too-common parenting mistake. When we make this the norm, some scary things start to happen. Interpersonal skills suffer. Brains get rewired. Creativity dwindles. Attention spans shorten. Family time disappears.

If we aren’t careful, our kids will fritter away their entire childhood staring at screens. We can’t let that happen. The majority of screen time would be better spent reading books, riding bikes, building forts, drawing pictures, making friends, and playing in the fresh air and sunshine.

Do your kids (and yourself!) a favor and set some reasonable boundaries when it comes to using technological devices.

Rescuing your child from consequences of bad decisions

Did your young scholar wait until the last minute to start a science project? If you stay up half the night doing the work yourself, you will rob your child of the opportunity to learn an important life lesson while stakes are still low.

Not to mention the fact that by rewarding your child’s procrastination, you’ve removed any incentive for her to do better next time.

To the extent you can let your child suffer natural consequences without risking life or limb to do so, do so. If she neglects her chores, let her miss playtime to finish. If she loses a library book, let her buy the replacement. If she spills the milk, let her help clean it up.

You’ll develop in her a sense of personal responsibility and will drive home the idea that her actions (and inactions) have consequences.

Overscheduling to the exclusion of free time

Avoid the temptation to schedule every minute of your child’s life. Between school and extra-curricular activities – including sports practices, music lessons, dance classes, gym memberships, scout meetings, and church programs – many kids barely have a moment to call their own.

Children need downtime, just like parents. They need time to think, to dream, to explore, to dig deeper into topics that interest them. Give them some unstructured time, free from outside commitments, to pursue some of those screen-free activities mentioned above.

Parents make a mistake when they leave kids no margin.

Neglecting your marriage

Sometimes moms expend so much time and thought and energy taking care of their children that they have nothing left to give their husbands. This is not sustainable. When your marriage suffers, so do your kids.

Children thrive most readily when they’re raised in a stable home with two parents who love them and love one another. So… don’t make your spouse compete with the kids for your attention. Nurture your marriage. Do fun things as a couple. Connect with one another on a regular (preferably daily) basis.

Doing this will model what a healthy, happy marriage looks like. But it will also demonstrate another important lesson: that the entire world does not revolve around your child. The sooner our kids understand that fact, the better.

I will be the first to admit that I’ve made lots of mistakes in my 30+ years of parenting. At one time or other, I’ve committed all six faux pas listed above.

Perhaps you have, too.

But by God’s grace, we can learn from our past mistakes. And we can make sure none of them become a habit.

The post 6 Parenting Mistakes That Will Handicap Your Child appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

Learn to Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language

Want a powerful way to improve your marriage? Learn to speak your spouse’s love language! In this week’s podcast, I share six practical ways to gain proficiency in your husband’s preferred love language —  and I also discuss what to do if he isn’t  fluent in yours.

Show Notes:

The material for this week’s podcast was taken from a post I originally wrote in 2020, which you may read in its entirety below.

BOOKS MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:The Five Love Languages by Gary ChapmanLove Your Husband/Love Your Yourself by Jennifer FlandersSUPPORTING SCRIPTURES:“Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.” (1 John 3:18)“Let all that you do be done in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:14)RELATED LINKS:Weekly Newsletter – join 19K other subscribers to Flanders Family FreebiesFlanders Family Home Life – my family blog, full of free printable resources + parenting tipsLoving Life at Home – my marriage blog where I discuss topics of interest to wivesAppreciate Your Spouse’s Differences

My husband loves conversation hearts. By which I mean, he actually enjoys the taste of them. He seldom pauses to admire their pretty pastel colors or cute, chunky shape. Nor does he normally bother to read what they say. He just downs them by the handful, crunching them between his teeth with a boyish grin on his lips.

As soon as he spots these ubiquitous Valentine treats at the grocery store in mid-January, he buys them by the bagful. If he finds conversation hearts on the clearance aisle after Valentine’s Day is over, he cleans them out. Such confections are only available a couple of months of the year, so he likes to stock up while he can.

But Doug rarely buys any conversation hearts for me.

For me, he gets chocolate. Chocolate with nuts. Chocolate with toffee or peanut butter. Even chocolate with coconut, which he detests, but I relish.

That’s because my husband knows how to speak my love language.

Discover Your Spouse’s Love Language

In his groundbreaking marriage book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman identifies five basic ways individuals give and receive love. These include words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

(Yes, I realize “chocolate” is not actually on this list. It should be. That was obviously an oversight on the author’s part.)

Order The 5 Love Languages Today

The 5 Love Languages has been a New York Times bestseller for ten years running. I highly recommend it. The book has sold over 12 million copies, and for good reason. Chapman calls these love languages “the secret to lasting love.”

After enjoying more than three decades of happy marriage ourselves, my husband and I have learned a thing or two about effective, loving communication. Here are a few things to remember as you’re learning to speak your lover’s language.

Master Your Spouse’s Love LanguagePractice regularly

As a military brat, my husband spent his early childhood in Turkey. Consequently, he learned to speak Turkish and English simultaneously. Once his family moved back to the States, however, English was the only language he ever heard or used.

Without regular practice, his Turkish was completely lost. These days, Doug couldn’t even count to ten in Turkish without considerable cramming beforehand.

The same thing is true for love languages. Once you identify your spouse’s love language, you need to put that knowledge to good use. Practice, practice, practice. Without consistent use, you may forget how to communicate in that language altogether.

Ask clarifying questions

For the first 20 years of our marriage, every time I cut a tomato, I gave my husband the juicy, center slices and ate the dry, mealy ends myself. I did this as an act of love — giving him my favorite part while I choked down the less desirable portions, like some kind of culinary martyr.

Then one day, I noticed a thick, ripe, mouthwatering slab of homegrown tomato lying untouched on the edge of my husband’s plate. Thinking perhaps he was too full to finish it, I asked if I might eat it.

“Sure,” Doug answered, “I don’t really like tomatoes when they’re all gooey in the middle like that. I prefer the end slices.”

In other words, for two full decades, my husband had silently entertained the opinion that I was selfishly hogging the choicest part of the tomato and feeding him the scraps, even as I was intentionally trying to do the exact opposite!

The point? Don’t make assumptions. Don’t presume your spouse’s likes and dislikes necessarily align with your own. If you aren’t sure about your partner’s preferences, ask. Otherwise, your best guesses may make you both miss out on something marvelous.

Get outside help as needed

Some people have brains that are wired for language acquisition. They are fluent in more tongues than you can count and seem able to add to that number almost effortlessly.

Other people flounder through high school French, barely passing their vocabulary quizzes. If it weren’t for tutors, language tapes, and learning apps, they’d have flunked out completely. But with the extra help, at least they’re able to exchange niceties (Bonjour!). Or order from a menu (Crêpes, s’il vous plaît). Or ask directions to the bathroom (Où est la toilette?).

Similarly, if you have trouble getting on the same wavelength as your spouse, don’t be afraid to get outside help. Attend a marriage retreat. Read some good books on the topic (like the ones mentioned in this article). Find a happily married mentor. Talk to a trusted Christian counselor.

There is no such thing as a static marriage. You are either growing closer or drifting apart. So be proactive about investing in your relationship and building it up every way you can, including learning to speak your spouse’s love language well.

Study the local dialect

Accents vary from one region of the country to another — a Bostonian’s speech bears little resemblance to a Southerner’s drawl, even though both are (presumably) speaking English. So, too, love languages vary from one couple, one marriage, one household to the next. You may sometimes even notice a slight shift from one day to the next.

For instance, Doug knows that I love chocolate and would welcome a fudge-filled surprise from him anytime. Unless, of course, I’ve lately sworn off sweets in a concerted effort to “get in shape.” In which case, he should not even consider bringing chocolate into the house.

(I like to keep him on his toes like that.)

Likewise, I know my husband loves physical touch. So I do my best to provide generous daily doses. But whenever Doug is actively eating pizza, I give him space. Because I learned many, many years ago that it freaks him out for me to touch him when his hands are greasy, even if my hands are clean.

(Right back at you, Sweetheart.)

So study your mate. Learn what makes him tick. Make note of circumstantial changes. Look for seasonal shifts. And adapt accordingly.

Expand your vocabulary

Did you made an “A” in the conversational Spanish class you took as a Freshman? Congratulations. My guess is, if you ever hope to have a deep and meaningful conversation en Español, you’ll need to command a few more words than you learned in that introductory level course.

The same thing is true for communicating in your spouse’s love language. Is his love language quality time? Quality time can mean long conversations over candlelight dinners, but it should encompass so much more than that.

Run errands together. Pursue a new hobby together. Do chores around the house shoulder-to-shoulder. Take dance lessons, get your scuba diving certification, or attend a cooking class together. Join forces to show hospitality, to volunteer at the local soup kitchen, to coach your kids’ soccer practice. The common thread through all these activities is that you’re doing them as a team. Side-by-side. Together.

Is your spouse’s love language physical touch? Then prioritize your sex life. (For an in-depth look at the benefits you’ll reap by doing so, read my book, Love Your Husband/Love Yourself: Embracing God’s Purpose for Passion in Marriage.)

But don’t stop there. Expand your repertoire to include other kinds of touching, as well. Hold hands, slow dance, take long, hot baths together. Walk arm-in-arm. Cuddle and spoon. Give your spouse a full-body massage. A pat on the back. A playful pinch on the bottom. Scratch his scalp. Kiss his lips. Rest your head on his shoulder. Do a little passionate necking. Squeeze his muscles admiringly. And hug him every chance you get.

Aim for fluency

The longer and more regularly you speak a new language, the more fluent you become. When you’re first learning, it is easy to make mistakes. If you throw up your hands and quit the first (or tenth or twentieth) time you try to say something and are misunderstood, you will never gain mastery.

The same is true when it comes to forging a love that lasts. If your initial efforts to speak your spouse’s love language fall flat, don’t give up. Keep on trying. Study. Learn. Ask questions. The more you practice, the more fluent you’ll become, and the more happiness and satisfaction you will enjoy in your marriage.

Decipher Your Spouse’s Love Language

My family recently took a Mediterranean cruise. We were among only a handful of Americans on the ship. Consequently, we found ourselves surrounded by people who spoke tongues that were foreign to us.

We made friends with a few of them, despite the language barriers. The Italian couple who shared the table next to ours at dinner every night spoke only broken English, but were fluent in German. My German is very rusty, but I managed to haltingly answer a few of the curious questions they asked about our family.

I explained that my husband and I have been married 32 years. And that we have 12 children: Ich bin… mit mein Mann… fur zweiunddreißig Jahren. Wir haben… zwölf Kindern…

They answered back enthusiastically, though I caught only every third word and had to ask them to repeat a few statements. Assuming I understood them clearly, they told us our children are beautiful (“schön”) and very well-mannered (“sehr höflich”) and that Doug and I look much too young (“zu jung”) to have so many.

I was happy to hear such lovely compliments, even if they were spoken in a tongue with which I’m not completely comfortable. The fact I had to work to decipher what my new friends were saying in no way diminished the sincerity of their words. How petty and entitled it would’ve been for me to scorn their kind remarks, just because they weren’t offered in English!

So I leave you with this word of caution: Never discount love that’s expressed in a language that’s foreign to you. Such overtures are still heartfelt, still valuable, still packed with deep emotion.

If you can read a marriage book like 5 Love Languages as a way to better understand your husband, go for it. If it helps you improve upon your own ability to communicate your love for him in more meaningful ways, brava!

Glean as much as you can. Apply what you learn. Keep up the good work.

But if you find yourself scouring such titles with an accusatory eye, you’re heading for trouble. If Chapman’s words leave you feeling irritable and slighted because your husband is not yet fluent in your preferred language, you’d be better off leaving his book on the shelf. It was not, I think, the author’s intent for you to use his book as ammunition against your husband or as a prooftext for all the ways he’s failed to love you well.

The Goal: Become Multi-Lingual

When it comes to love languages, I personally favor words of affirmation. And I like actions that back those words up, such as acts of service or quality time.

Receiving gifts is not my native tongue, and neither is physical touch.

As a newlywed bride, I was unappreciative of either. Much to my shame, I often acted downright disdainful and disgusted when my extremely generous, exuberantly affectionate new husband attempted to communicate his love to me in the ways that most resonated with him. I would’ve preferred for him to just tell me he loves me, then keep his hands to himself and his money in the bank (rather than spending it on gifts I didn’t need).

But thankfully. Thankfully. Thankfully, my husband didn’t give up. He kept on loving me in the best way he knew how, and God eventually convicted me that I needed to stop being so self-centered and receive my husband’s love in the same spirit it was offered. To accept it with genuine gratitude. To seek to understand and appreciate his way of communicating affection.

So now, when my husband brings home gifts, I do my best to welcome them with gladness. (And he’s learned to shop for bargains, as he knows I’ll be happier about a gift if I hear he got a good deal).

And do you know what else? Although I still love words of affirmation, I’ve really learned to delight in physical touch now, as well. So much so that I’d be hard-pressed to choose between the two.

Fortunately, I don’t have to choose.

My advice: Don’t box your mate into using only one language when communicating his love to you. There’s a benefit to becoming fluent in all five.

Senior Couple Using Digital Camera at Marina — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

Or six, if you count chocolate.

And if ever your husband sorts through a package of conversation hearts and passes you one that reads “Love U 4ever,” don’t turn up your nose. Accept it with gratitude. Then find one that reads “Love U More,” place it in the palm of his hand, and whisper, “Right back at you, Sweetheart!”

The post Learn to Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws

Are you dealing with difficult in-laws? Do they seem overly demanding or impossible to please? Have you grown weary of even trying to satisfy them?

Imagine how much easier your life and marriage would be if everyone could just learn to get along!

Although now (in 2023), I enjoy a wonderful relationship with my husband’s parents, that has not always been the case. We butted heads in pretty significant ways during our early years of marriage. 

But those rocky first years taught me a lot about extending grace to folks who often seemed less than thrilled to have me in their family. In this podcast, I share the seven strategic steps I took to turn things around.

Most of the material for this podcast was taken from a post I wrote nearly 13 years ago (which you can read in its entirety below today’s show notes). I hope you’ll glean some helpful tips for dealing with your in-laws — or any other difficult people in your life!

Show NotesSCRIPTURES CITED: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” (Romans 12:18)“Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.” (Proverbs 20:3)“Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14)“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)“The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” (James 5:16)“Treat everyone with high regard: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.” (1 Peter 2:17)“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, as He already existed in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied Himself by taking the form of a bond-servant and being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death: death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:3-8)FOR FURTHER READING:How to Pray for Your Parents – works equally well with parents-in-lawWhat I Most Appreciate about My Father-in-Law – focus on the good!Our Wedding Portrait – so you can judge for yourself how sick & pale I looked Weekly Newsletter – join 19K other subscribers to Flanders Family FreebiesLove Your Husband, Love Yourself – my life-changing marriage bookFlanders Family Home Life – my family blog, full of free printable resources + parenting tipsLoving Life at Home – my marriage blog where I discuss topics of interest to wives7 Surprising Secrets for Dealing with Difficult In-Laws

A friend of mine recently asked my advice for dealing with an overly-critical mother-in-law. No matter what my friend does, it is never enough, and she is growing tired of even trying to make this woman happy.

We’ve all known people who are overly-demanding, who seem keen to criticize but incapable of showing appreciation. It takes a lot of grace to deal with such people — and doubly so when they are relatives and cannot be easily avoided.

In coping with difficult in-laws, I suggest you follow a few simple guidelines.

This strategy works equally well with difficult bosses, neighbors, or spouses, so give it try next time you find yourself dealing with anyone who seems impossible to please:

First, take their comments at face value

Don’t always be trying to read between the lines. Deal with what they actually say, not what you assume they must mean.

[For tips on matching your body language to your words, click here.]

Second, avoid conflict, if you can.

As much as possible, try not to do things you know will upset her. If your father-in-law hates to be kept waiting, don’t show up two hours late for lunch. If your mother-in-law resents the time your kids spend with their other grandmother, don’t flaunt the fact that your mother accompanied you on your last family vacation.

[For 10 ways to quit quarreling with your spouse, follow this link.]

Third, carefully weigh their complaints

If your in-law’s criticisms have no basis in reality, dismiss them. If amid all their faultfinding you discover a legitimate concern, address it. Apologize if you have wronged them, adjust your attitude, and mend your ways as needed.

[For 5 more tips on responding to negative comments in a positive way, click here.]

Fourth, forgive them.

If you feel weary of even trying to please her, she has undoubtedly hurt your feelings. Let go of any bitterness you may harbor toward her for past cutting remarks. Wipe the slate clean. In the future, approach your mother-in-law as if you had no bad history together, but were meeting for the first time. If it is necessary to limit the time you spend with her, do so only to protect yourself, not to punish her.

[To read the wise counsel Elisabeth Elliot once gave me on forgiveness, click here.]

Fifth, prayer for them.

Your in-laws are people, too, with their own histories and concerns and insecurities and worries and struggles. And they need prayer, just as surely as you do.

So pray for them. Pray for your relationship to them. Ask God to help you see your in-laws with His eyes and love them as He loves and bless and honor and forgive and care for them in a way that accurately represents Christ’s care for us.

Prayer changes things. And, even if your in-laws manage to resist changing in the way you might desire, your prayers will undoubtedly change your own heart toward them. And that may be the most important change of all.

[Want a free printable prayer guide to help you prayer your spouse’s parents? click here.]

Sixth, show consideration.

Pick one or two things you know are important to her and make every effort to do them consistently. Birthdays and Mother’s Day are a big deal to my own mother-in-law. She wants us to remember her with a pretty card, signed by her son, and delivered precisely on the big day. The most important thing to her (getting the card on time) and the most important thing to me (including a long, newsy letter from home) are two different things. If I can’t do both, she’d much rather I send the signed and sealed card in a timely fashion and save the news for later. So that’s what I do.

[Click here for the #1 rule for building a happy relationship with your spouse (or anybody else).]

Seventh, always be respectful.

Someday when you are older, you may be a little cantankerous yourself, so treat your mother-in-law with the patience you’d want your daughter-in-law to show you. It may be impossible to keep her happy, but at least you can keep your conscience clear by behaving toward her in a way that is above reproach. Base your actions on love. Season your words with grace. Hold your opinions in humility. And make it your goal to do right by her, whether it pleases her or not.

[For 25 ways to communicate respect to your spouse, follow this link.]

The post Dealing with Difficult In-Laws appeared first on Loving Life at Home.

31-Day Prayer Challenge for Parents

A reader recently ran across my list of 31-Day Prayer Challenge for Wives and asked if I had a similar list of scriptures to pray over one’s children. Short answer: I didn’t then, but I do now! Scroll to the bottom of this post to download my brand new, free printable 31-Day Prayer Challenge for Parents.

I love praying the words of scripture, because I know such prayers align with the heart of God. I can approach the throne of Grace boldly, knowing that the things I’m requesting are things the Bible itself are good and honorable. Won’t you join me in praying the following 31 verses over your sons and daughters?

31-Day Prayer Challenge for ParentsPray that God would draw your child to FAITH in Him

“So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.”
(Romans 10:17)

Ask God to cultivate an attitude of HUMILITY in your child

“But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says,’God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.'”
(James 4:6)

Pray the Lord would grant your child WISDOM

“Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”
(Colossians 3:16)

Pray that your child would have a strong sense of HONESTY

“Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value the one who speaks what is right.”
(Proverbs 16:13)

Ask God to give your child COURAGE

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.”
(1 Corinthians 16:13)

Pray that your child would develop DILIGENCE

“The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.”
(Proverbs 21:5)

Ask God to protect your child’s PURITY

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to Your word.”
(Psalm 119:9)

Pray your child would clearly sense the Lord’s DIRECTION

“Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me.”
(Psalm 119:133)

Pray for your child’s physical and spiritual SAFETY

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.”
(Proverbs 18:10)

Ask God to increase your child’s DEVOTION to Him

“Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving.”
(Colossians 4:2)

Ask the Lord to develop your child’s EMPATHY toward others

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”
(1 Peter 3:8)

Pray that God would grant your child UNDERSTANDING

“Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law and obey it with all my heart.”
(Psalm 119:34)

Ask God to strengthen your child’s SELF-CONTROL

“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-control.”
(2 Timothy 1:7)

Pray the Lord would fill your child’s heart with LOVE for Him and others

“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.”
(1 John 4:12)

Pray the Lord would provide wise TEACHERS for your child

“A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.”
(Luke 6:40)

Ask God to bless and direct your child’s FRIENDSHIPS

“He who walks with the wise will be wise, but the friend of fools will suffer harm.”
(Proverbs 13:20)

Pray for your child’s continued FAITHFULNESS to God and His Word

“Never let go of loyalty and faithfulness. Tie them around your neck; write them on your heart.”
(Proverbs 3:3)

Ask God to fill your child’s heart with JOY

“…Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”
(Nehemiah 8:10)

Pray that your child would never lose HOPE

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”
(Hebrews 10:23)

Ask God to develop in your child a heart of KINDNESS

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”
(Colossians 3:12)

Pray that your child’s demeanor would be marked by CHEERFULNESS

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
(Proverbs 17:22)

Ask God to grant your child STRENGTH in body, mind, and spirit

“But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.”
(Isaiah 40:31)

Pray the Lord would safeguard your child’s HEALTH

“I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you…”
(3 John 1:2)

Ask God to give your child a PEACE that surpasses understanding

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
(Romans 15:13)

Ask God to protect and preserve your child’s INNOCENCE

“Be innocent as babies when it comes to evil, but be mature in understanding matters of this kind.”
(1 Corinthians 14:20)

Ask God to cultivate GOODNESS in your child’s thoughts and actions

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge…”
(2 Peter 1:5)

Pray the Lord would give your child PATIENCE

“Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.”
(Proverbs 14:29)

Pray your child’s SPEECH would be honoring to God

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
(Colossians 4:6)

Ask God to give your child an eternal perspective on TIME-MANAGEMENT

“So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.”
(Psalm 90:12)

Pray that God would be glorified in all your child’s personal PURSUITS

“Whether then you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
(1 Corinthians 10:31)

Ask God to conform your child to CHRIST’S LIKENESS in both heart and mind

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…”
(Philippians 2:5)

Want a one-page printable copy of this I converted this 31-Day Prayer Challenge for Parents for easy reference? You can download your free copy (pictured below), by following this link.

click to print 31-Day Prayer Guide for Children

Keep on Praying

Want more free printable prayer guides, like this one? You can check out our entire collection by following this link. And for more encouragement to “continue in prayer” (Colossians 4:2), check out the following related posts:

Our Starting Point – a reminder that prayer works… and leads to workA Good Reminder – a challenge to pray hardest when it is hardest to prayThe Secret – one of my favorite poems about prayer (because it’s so true!)Pretty Prayer-Themed Bookmarks – these will prompt you to pray when you feel like worryingGrace and Mercy Coloring Page – an exhortation to bring our prayers and petitions boldly before God’s throne

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Studies Show that Stories Matter

Researchers from Emory University have found that the #1 predictor of a child’s emotional well-being is how well that kid knows his family history.* It makes sense. Stories matter. This finding is fascinating, but it isn’t surprising.

Your child’s knowledge of his family history, his religious roots, his national heritage, and even his own biology all play a vital role in creating and instilling a sense of purpose. Perhaps this is part of the reason God places such importance on telling and retelling such significant stories to our children.

The Stories our Children Need to HearStories of God’s Faithfulness

God’s Word is full of stories: the creation account, Noah’s ark, the ten plagues on Egypt, David and Goliath, Daniel in the lion’s den, the fiery furnace, the virgin birth, Jesus feeding the 5000, healing the sick, walking on water, calming the storm, His death, burial, and resurrection, and so forth and so on.

Granted, with the exception of Christ, none of the players in these stories were perfect. But there are still many rich lessons we can learn from studying their lives and history, flaws and all.

Moreover, God commands parents to lay up His Word in their hearts and in their souls and to teach it to their children when they rise up, lie down, sit in the house, and walk along the way. (Deuteronomy 11:19) So we have a mandate to tell and retell these Biblical accounts of God’s sovereignty and grace and judgement and mercy, thus keeping them alive in the hearts and minds of the next generation.

Stories of National Heritage

Our nation has lots of stories, too: the Pilgrims, the Founding Fathers, the American Revolution, Paul Revere’s ride, the crossing of the Delaware, Lewis and Clark, Westward expansion, the War between the States, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Great War, the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor, D-Day, the Civil Rights movement, the lunar landing, the Cold War, 9/11 — the list goes on and on.

As with Biblical heroes, our national heroes are human. They made mistakes, some of which had grave consequences. But many of these historic figures had very admirable qualities, as well: courage, integrity, compassion, generosity, a strong work ethic, devout faith, an innovative approach to problem solving, etc.

We can learn from both good examples and bad — and it is vital that we do so if we wish to avoid repeating the basest and most abominable aspects of our country’s history while preserving and emulating the most noble and praiseworthy.

Stories of Family History

It is also important for children to know and understand their own unique family history. Every family has stories, so provide as detailed an account of the facts as you can. Rejoice with them over the good; purpose with them to avoid repeating the bad; look for important life lessons in both.

Our family has a very detailed written history, thanks to all the Christmas letters I’ve sent to friends and family for the past 36 years of marriage. It was my idea to write them, but it was my husband’s idea to re-read them aloud to the family every December.

This tradition has served to cement in our children’s minds all the significant milestones, everyday graces, hard-learned lessons, crazy mistakes, and funny remarks of the past while simultaneously tracing God’s hand of faithfulness to our family throughout our years together.

Stories of Biological Design

Last but not least, every individual has a story. Each of us has been fearfully and wonderfully made, knitted together by God in the womb (Psalm 139:13-16) with unique features, gifts, aptitudes, callings, and purpose. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)

Some of our traits are unchangeable: your genetics, your ethnicity, your birth order, the time period into which you were born.

Other characteristics and abilities must be shaped, molded, and developed to reach their full potential: honesty, empathy, integrity, intellect, artistic or musical talent, and the like.

Taken together, all these stories create in our children a sense of connectedness and understanding and purpose. Yet every single one of these foundational stories are under attack in our current culture.

Rewriting History

The Bible was deemed irrelevant and tossed out of the classroom long ago. Libraries are removing great works of literature to make room for woke propaganda and perversion specifically targeted at kids. The stories of our national heritage are being completely rewritten such that brave American heroes are recast as villains.

Families are being fragmented and redefined. Children are no longer taught to respect their elders or to consider that parents and grandparents might have anything important to teach them. And even something as simple as biological design — what determines whether a person is male or female — is suddenly up for debate.

So, if the sense of purpose we get through family history and storytelling is so important for a child’s sense of wellbeing, is it any wonder that today’s young people are facing a mental health crisis like nothing we’ve ever seen before?

Let’s do what we can to restore stability to the hearts and minds of the next generation by telling and retelling them the truth: the truth about their bodies, their families, their country, the God who created them, and the marvelous and magnificent plan He has for their life.

*As reported by Eric Barker in his immensely interesting bestseller, Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science behind Why Everything Your Know about Success is (Mostly) Wrong.

We listened to the audiobook during our recent two-week road trip through eleven states. Theoretically, we could’ve finished it easily in a day and a half of driving had we not kept hitting pause every few minutes to talk (at length) about what were hearing. This entire blog post grew out of a discussion prompted by one short sentence on page 75.

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A Prayer for Mothers

I’ve been getting a lot of requests for a Prayer Guide for Mothers (especially after publishing a Prayer for Fathers last year). And since Mother’s Day is right around the corner, I thought now would be the perfect time to share what I’ve come up with.

As a mother myself, I appreciate all the prayers I can get! If you feel the same way, you can enlist your family to intercede for you with the following scripture-based requests.

A Prayer for MothersM is for Ministry

Help Mom recognize motherhood for the high and noble calling it is. May she invest herself fully in training the next generation to love You, LORD, and to serve You wholeheartedly. Multiply her efforts, and extend her reach when she transitions into the role of an older woman, giving biblical counsel and wise instruction to younger wives and mothers. Deuteronomy 11:18-21; Mark 12:30-31; Titus 2:3-5

O is for Orderliness

LORD, I know You are a God of order. Help my mother reflect that part of Your character. For all time remembered, moms have had to juggle multiple responsibilities to keep home and family running smoothly. Help mine discharge those duties with joy and grace, doing everything in a diligent, orderly, and thorough way. 1 Corinthians 14:33, 40; Proverbs 31:10-24; Colossians 3:17, 23-24; Proverbs 21:5

T is for Testimony

God, make my Mom a model of virtuous womanhood. Keep her mindful of the fact that others are watching, particularly the children you’ve entrusted to her care. Grant her the wisdom, discernment, and understanding she’ll need to serve her family well. May she glorify You in all she does and point others to Jesus. Proverbs 2:6; 22:1, 31:25-31; Psalm 119:1-2; Hebrews 12:1; 1 Corinthians 10:31

H is for Help

LORD, You’ve called us to bear one another’s burdens. Open my eyes to ways I can help lighten my mom’s load. Two have a better return for their labor than one does alone. Don’t let pride keep Mom from asking for help when needed or accepting help when offered. Thank YOU for being an ever-present help in trouble & for supplying all we need. Galatians 6:2; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; Matthew 7:7-8; Proverbs 29:23; Psalms 46:1; Philippians 4:19

E is for Endurance

God, equip my mother with all the patience she’ll need to do the work you’ve called her to do. Protect her against weariness in well-doing, reminding her of the good harvest that awaits if she doesn’t give up. Renew her strength and re-energize her, so that she can run with endurance the race you’ve marked out for her, keeping her eyes on Jesus. James 1:2-3; Galatians 6:9; Isaiah 40:31; Hebrews 12:1-2

R is for Relationships

Bless Mom’s relationships, LORD. Fortify her family ties. Provide friends who uplift & encourage her. Help her get along with colleagues and coworkers. Most of all, strengthen her relationship to You. Give her a love for Jesus that spills out on everyone she meets. Psalm 128:1-4; Proverbs 17:17; Mark 12:30-31

Click to Print Prayer for Mothers

If you like this printable, you’ll love Sweet Child of Mine, my interactive devotional journal for moms. It contains 200+ pages chockfull of uplifting scriptures, writing prompts, word studies, and thoughtful quotes on the topic of motherhood, plus some of the most beautiful vintage artwork I’ve ever seen.

PLEASE NOTE: This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through any of those links, we may receive a small referral fee, at no extra cost to you. Such fees help defray the cost of running this website. This, in turn, allows us to continue offering our readers a wealth of FREE printable resources. So thank you for your support!

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A Prayer for Caregivers

Several months ago, a reader wrote to ask if I’d consider creating a dedicated Prayer for Caregivers. After perusing all my other free printable prayer guides, she felt this would be a helpful addition.

Since this reader has herself served in such a role for many years, she had some great suggestions for what should be included in such a prayer and even proposed an outline for me to use, which I gladly did.

[If you’d like a printable version of the prayer that resulted from our combined efforts, just scroll to the bottom of this post.]

A Prayer for CaregiversC is for a Consideration

Lord, give them a thoughtful, caring, and humble heart. Posture them to serve the one in their
charge with love, patience, and sincerity. Philippians 2:3-4; 1 Peter 4:10; 1 Thessalonians 5:14

A is for advocation

Enable and equip them to effectively support the weak and to speak boldly on behalf of those
who cannot speak for themselves. Romans 15:1; Psalms 82:3-4

R is for rejoicing

God, grant them a happy heart that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Teach them to laugh, have
fun, and take pleasure in every blessing, small and large. Philippians 4:4; Proverbs 17:22

E is for empathy

Lord, fill them with love and sympathy. Help them treat those in their charge the way they’d wish
to be treated themselves if the tables were turned. Ephesians 4:32; Matthew 7:12

G is for grace

Lavish Your grace and mercy upon them, O God. Help them graciously address physical, mental,
spiritual, and emotional needs of those in their care. Galatians 6:9; John 1:16; Ephesians 1:7-8, 2:7

I is for insight

Give them an extra measure of wisdom, discernment, and understanding, Lord, as they interact
with the persons for whom they are caring. James 1:5; Proverbs 3:21-22, 8:14

V is for Victory

God, grant them victory over discouragement and depression. Do not allow them to give into
fear, anxiety, self-pity, or resentment. Keep their eyes fixed on you. Romans 8:37-39; Philippians 4:6-7

E is for encouragement

Lord, bless and encourage the hearts of both the caregivers and the ones being cared for. Send
supportive friends who will listen, pray, and help in practical ways. Ephesians 4:29; Hebrews 10:23-25

R is for respite

Teach them to bring all their heavy burdens to You, Jesus. Carry the load with and for them. Give
them the rest and relief their souls so desperately need. Matthew 11:28-29; Jeremiah 31:25; Proverbs 3:24

S is for strength

God, help them recognize their inability to do anything apart from your enabling strength. Renew
it daily. Perfect it. Teach them to glory in their weakness, to wait upon you, and to proclaim with
conviction, “I can do all things through Christ!” Isaiah 40:29-31; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; Philippians 4:13

Prayer for Caregivers – B&W

Prayer for Caregivers – Color

I’ve included two printable versions of this Prayer for Caregivers — one in black and white, and the other in color — so take your pick by clicking on the desired link above.

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6 Tips for Dealing with Change

Dealing with change is an inevitable part of life.

Circumstances change: We change schools, switch jobs, or move from one town to another.

Responsibilities change: We get married, have a baby, land a promotion, or undertake some other longterm project.

Our health status changes. One day we feel fit as a fiddle, the next we sustain a serious injury or receive a devastating diagnosis.

Connections change: Friendships fade, loved ones pass away, children grow up and leave home.

Some changes knock us completely off our feet. Some changes run us through the paces we’ve practiced before. But almost every change presents some sort of challenge.

So I offer you 6 tried and true tips to help you thrive, even when your world feels like it’s turning upside down. These guidelines will help you keep your bearings straight when dealing with change of any sort, but especially when faced with unwelcome changes.

As is so often the case in posts I pen, the initial letters for each tip form an acrostic for the word C-H-A-N-G-E (because that’s just the way my brain works ).

6 Failsafe Tips for Dealing with ChangeC = Count your blessings

The Bible tells us to “Consider it joy” even when we face hardship, knowing that those hardships ultimately serve to develop in us the fruit of the spirit and conform us to the image of Christ. (James 1:2-3; Romans 12:2) So no matter what kind of life change you’re presently facing, look for the silver lining and celebrate all the many, many things you still have to be thankful for.

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits.” – Psalms 103:2

H = Hold fast to your faith

Never forget that God has a plan and a purpose for every change He brings your way, and He has promised to see you through. ( Philippians 1:6;1 Corinthians 1:8) Take every opportunity to affirm His goodness and sovereignty, knowing that He “causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” – Hebrews 10:23

A = Ask for assistance

If the season of change you are in carries with it extra burdens or responsibilities, by all means request help! Start by asking God for wisdom, strength, and perseverance, since He has promised to supply all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus. (James 1:5; Isaiah 40:31; Philippians 4:19) But you should be willing to ask family members, neighbors, or friends for help as needed, as well. (Proverbs 17:17; Galatians 6:2)

“I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.” – Psalm 121:1-2

N = Nix negative thoughts

Do not allow yourself to get sucked into the downward spiral of depression, negativity, or fear. (2 Timothy 1:17) Banish worry and anxiety. (Philippians 4:6-7) Grieving over a devastating loss may last for a time, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.(Psalm 126:5-6) Resist the urge to throw yourself a pity party.

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” – Philippians 4:8

G = Glorify God

Trust in the Lord, and in all your ways — through good times and bad — acknowledge Him. (Proverbs 3:5-6) “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly,” and let it be especially evident in the way you respond to hardships. (Colossians 3:16)

“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” – 1 Corinthians 10:31

E = Encourage others

Allow the past hardships you’ve endured to help you sympathize with others who suffer. (1 Peter 3:8-9) Pray for those around you who are in difficult seasons and speak words of encouragement to them. (James 5:15-16)

“… let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” – Hebrews 10:24-25

So that’s what I do whenever my world starts to shift underfoot:

Count my blessingsHold fast to my faithAsk for assistanceNix negative thoughtsGlorify God and Encourage others

C-H-A-N-G-E. I hope you’ll give this tack a try next time you’re facing a season of change, as well.

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Give Your Children a Biblical Worldview

We live in a society that has completely lost its moorings. How can we hope to give our children a Biblical worldview in a culture that either marginalizes or maligns Christianity? How can we expect them to stand strong against all the evil forces aligned against them? (Ephesians 6:13) How can we guarantee they’ll stick to the narrow path that leads to life, amid the torrent that threatens to sweep them toward destruction? (Matthew 7:13-14)

The short answer: We can’t. There is no such guarantee. And if you’re looking at the list below as a recipe to follow to insure the outcome you desire, then you are viewing it the wrong way. We cannot sanctify our children anymore than we can save them. Both those processes are a work of God’s grace from start to finish.

However, God placed my kids in my family (and yours in yours) for a reason, and He commands us to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4) Knowing that parents are often a means by which God draws children to faith, we do our best to obey His commands and prayerfully leave the results to Him. (1 Corinthians 3:6-7)

How to [Help] Give Your Children a Biblical WorldviewHide God’s Word in their hearts

Give your kids a solid foundation built firmly upon God’s Word. Read the Bible to them faithfully, discuss it with them, and encourage them to memorize as much of it as they possibly can — the earlier, the better. [Find tips to make memory work easier here.]

Teach them to examine everything in light of Scripture. Let God’s Word shape and inform everything else they do and think.

“Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” (Joshua 1:8)

Pray for wisdom — for both of you!

God promises to give wisdom “generously and without reproach” to everyone who asks. (James 1:5) So be sure to ask, and keep on asking, and teach your kids to do the same! Wisdom is essential to a Biblical worldview.

“Your commandments make me wiser than my enemies, for they are always with me. I have more insight than all my teachers, for Your testimonies are my meditation.” (Psalm 119:98-99)

Attend a church that provides sound teaching

Look for a community of believers who love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind and honor His Word as completely authoritative, true, trustworthy, and relevant to our lives today. (2 Timothy 3:16) Spend time with Christians who prove themselves to be doers of the Word and not merely hearers who delude themselves. (James 1:22)

“…and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Don’t compartmentalize your faith

A Bible-believing church is important, but it’s only one piece of the puzzle. You shouldn’t expect sending your children to Sunday school to do your job for you.

Your kids need to see you living out your Biblical beliefs every day of the week. Your faith isn’t just for Sundays. It should permeate every facet of your life.

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” (Colossians 3:17)

Welcome their questions

It is important that we not only teach our children what we believe, but why we believe it. This is especially true as they enter their teen and young adult years.

Give your kids the freedom to ask questions. If the Bible is true — and I believe it is — it can stand up to scrutiny. So you needn’t feel threatened, even by tough questions. If you know the answer, explain it. If you don’t, admit it, then search for it together.

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)

Need Extra Help with Tough Questions?

One extremely helpful resource we’ve found for solidifying a Biblical worldview in the hearts and minds of our older kids is Summit Student Conferences. This 2-week worldview program teaches young people how to defend their faith in a culture that is increasingly hostile to Christianity.

We’ve sent multiple children to Summit right before they began college classes, and we’ve been thrilled with all they’ve learned during the 2-week sessions. One of our daughters loved Summit so much, she returned last summer to serve as a camp nurse.

You can learn more about our family’s experience with Summit by reading this blog post or watching this live IG interview.

Although I am currently collaborating with Summit to help spread the word about their Student Conferences, this wasn’t the case when we first started sending our kids there. We decided to enroll our high school seniors after hearing the enthusiastic testimony of family friends who’d sent their kids to Summit. Knowing how important such word-of-mouth recommendations can be, I’m now trying to pay it forward by telling others about this awesome program.

Interested? You can save $100 off your registration with the code FLANDERS23. And if you sign up before March 31, you’ll save an additional $200 with the early bird discount. That’s $300 off in total!

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On Becoming Free Indeed

I recently finished reading Becoming Free Indeed by Jinger Duggar Vuolo. In it, the author re-examines many of the beliefs and practices she’s embraced since childhood as a result of her family’s involvement with the Institute of Basic Life Principles. Her goal? To disentangle man-made rules from biblical truth.

Making such distinctions is a worthwhile endeavor for any of us. It is vitally important that we neither add to scripture nor take away from it. (Deuteronomy 4:2; Revelation 22:18-19) Otherwise, we risk putting our faith in a false gospel and, even worse, preaching it to others. (Galatians 1:6-9; 2 Peter 2:1-2)

So I was happy to see Jinger rejecting excessive external rules that go beyond the dictates of scripture — or at least coming to recognize them for what they are: matters of personal preference rather than direct commands of Christ.

In rethinking her stance on such things as clothing, music, and educational choices, Jinger has, by her own admission, had to repent of the self-righteous pride and judgmental spirit that often accompanies such a works-based belief system. She seems to be in a much healthier place now than she was before.

We can all learn from Jinger’s experience. I’ve listed several important take-aways below, along with some crucial balancing truths. A thorough understanding of the following distinctions is vital to experiencing true freedom in Christ while avoiding extremes in either direction.

Legalism v. LiberalismLegalism does not equal godliness

Some believers love rules. They like having a detailed system that spells out exactly what they (and everyone else) should or shouldn’t do. They want hard and fast directives about which foods, manners of dress, books, movies, music, and career paths are permissible and which are not.

But legalism is a dangerous a corruption of true Christianity. It tempts us to trust in our own works rather than placing our faith in Christ alone. Legalism will ultimately lead believers far astray from the narrow path God calls Christians to walk.

“Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.” (Luke 11:46)

Balancing Truth: Grace does not equal a free pass to sin

Some believers love license. They don’t like anyone (including God) telling them how to live. They want to do exactly as they please when they please and how they please, exercising complete autonomy in deciding what and how much to eat or drink, how to dress, what media to consume, with whom to associate, etc. Their motto: If it feels good, do it.

Yet liberalism and licentiousness represent as dangerous a corruption of true Christianity as does legalism. Such a mindset tempts us to trust in tolerance rather than submitting ourselves to the Lordship of Christ. Living for yourself will keep you enslaved to sin and lure you far away from the narrow path God calls Christians to walk.

“Well then, since God’s grace has set us free from the law, does that mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.” (Romans 6:15-16)

Personal Preferences v. Clear CommandsWe shouldn’t pretend matters of taste are commands from God

In many areas of life, God gives a great amount of leeway for personal preference. He has uniquely blessed each of us with different gifts, talents, abilities, and aptitudes. (Romans 12:6-8; 1 Peter 4:10) Moreover, He grants us freedom to decide how to use all those skills and giftings for His glory. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

Personally, I enjoy wearing dresses, reading non-fiction, eating vegetables, listening to classical music, going barefoot, staying home, and doing needlework. Yet each of these practices is a matter of taste, not a requirement for righteous living. It would be foolish and wrong for me to treat my opinions in these areas as universally binding. So I don’t.

That is why you’ll see my daughters wearing shorts, reading novels, eating barbecue, listening to 80s bands, earning college degrees, and pursuing careers outside of the home. They all share my desire to honor God in everything — as do my husband and sons — but the working out of that goal may look different from one individual to the next.

“One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God.” (Romans 14:5-6)

Balancing Truth: God’s commands shouldn’t be treated as matters of taste

In many areas of life, God gives clear commands for our protection. He forbids murder, theft, and adultery, for example. (Exodus 20:13-15) He hates a lying tongue and tells us to flee from sexual immorality. (Proverbs 6:17; 1 Corinthians 6:18). He requires us to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly in our service to Him. (Micah 6:8)

Believers shouldn’t ignore, marginalize, or disregard such straightforward directives. We should never treat as optional something God reveals as imperative. Honesty, integrity, love and compassion for others, humility, sexual purity — these are all non-negotiable in the life of a committed Christian.

“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” (John 14:15)

Traditions of Man v. Authority of ScriptureMan’s traditions should never take precedence over God’s Word

Faith traditions, like family traditions, can enrich life and bring a sense of order and continuity to our days and special celebrations. Yet traditions that don’t line up with Scripture should be immediately forsaken.

The same goes for any other teaching or practice that is contrary to Scripture. Whenever we put man’s words on par with the Bible, we risk being deceived by those who would twist or misinterpret Scripture (intentionally or not) to support their faulty beliefs or lead the gullible astray.

“See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ.” (Colossians 2:8)

Balancing Truth: God’s Word takes priority over everything else

The Bible is true and can be trusted absolutely. (Psalm 19:7-9) But instead of relying exclusively on others to teach God’s Word to you, you should read and study it for yourself, in context, letting the Bible interpret the Bible. (2 Timothy 2:16)

Commit it to memory. (Psalm 119:11) Let it be a lamp to your feet and a light to your path. (Psalm 119:105) Meditate on it day and night. (Psalms 1:1-2) And examine everything you see, hear, or read in light of Scripture to determine whether it is true and trustworthy. (Acts 17:11)

“All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

I cannot overemphasize the importance of this last point. A thorough knowledge and understanding of God’s Word is essential to being able to think critically and identify false philosophies whenever and wherever we encounter them. The Bible serves as an anchor to keep us from being driven and tossed by every wind of doctrine. (Ephesians 4:14)

Error must be rejected, no matter how much we may admire or respect the person who taught it. And truth should be accepted, even if the one espousing it does not share our cultural, theological, or political beliefs, opinions, or practices.

Sadly, we live in a society that has completely forgotten how to discuss or debate differing viewpoints in a rational, respectful way. Instead, we rush to silence anybody who does not agree with us 100% on every single point — which will inevitably lead to everyone being silenced. That makes me sad, because it robs us of the opportunity to listen and learn from others, to be challenged and stretched, and to grow in wisdom and understanding as we explain and defend our own positions and beliefs.

A Different Perspective

Interestingly, I, like Jinger, attended several IBLP seminars myself back in the 80s. In fact, I had a lively discussion there with another seminar attendee — a stranger I’d never before met — who approached me during a break to tell me that the jeans I was wearing at the time were an “abomination before God.” (Just for the record, I did not find his argument the least bit convincing and still wear jeans today, although, as previously stated, I prefer dresses as I think they’re more comfortable and less restrictive.)

Despite that one awkward conversation, I enjoyed the seminar overall. Having been raised by parents who valued critical thinking and had taught me to “eat the meat and spit out the bones,” I benefited from much of the material presented there.

It was through the Institute of Basic Life Principles that I first discovered the importance of accepting with gratitude the way God made me (red hair, freckles, towering height, and all), where I was first challenged to commit large passages of scripture to memory (a practice I continue to this day), where I first learned how to fully forgive offenders (which in turn protects me against bitterness, resentment, and self-pity), and where I first heard about homeschooling (an option for educating my children that I absolutely LOVE), just to mention a few.

So my experience differed significantly from what Jinger describes in Becoming Free Indeed. Perhaps the conferences became more extreme in the years after I attended. Or maybe the differences in our perspectives stem from the fact that she was surrounded by a community that reinforced, amplified, and possibly even exaggerated the teachings, while I was not. Certainly her involvement in the Advanced Training Institute gave her a much closer look at the inner workings of IBLP than I ever had.

In reading Jinger’s account, I was glad to hear her affirm her deep love and respect for her parents. But I was especially thankful to learn that her strong faith in God remained intact throughout the “disentangling” process she describes. Sadly, that is not always the case for kids who start to question things they formerly believed.

Yet, such questioning is a part of growing up and is often a necessary step in the process of our children making their parents’ faith their own.

It’s also a compelling argument for teaching our children always and only what is TRUE, grounding them firmly in the Word of God (without adding to or detracting from its message) and praying for them, that God in His mercy would make up for our lack as parents and draw our children to faith from an early age so that they, too, can experience the freedom — true freedom — that is available only through a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. (John 8:32, 36; Galatians 5:1)

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