Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 46

How to Stop Being a Drunk – The Payoff

This is part 2 of an ongoing series.

I Just Wanted the Pain to Stop

By the end of my drinking all I really wanted was for the pain to stop. I didn’t have great expectations for the future. During my twenties I’d managed to get sober for 2 years and was then able to completely turn my life around, but this time I didn’t feel deserving of such good results. My self esteem was down around my ankles. During most of my drinking years I managed to hold onto an optimistic outlook, but faith in my ability to land on my feet had disappeared completely. My life was a mess and I knew that if I carried on drinking I’d be dead soon. I suspected that whatever guardian angel had been looking after me before had decided to cut me loose.

Modest Ambitions of a Drunk

If I had bothered to write down a list of my hopes for sobriety it would have included modest ambitions like;

* I no longer wanted to wake up disappointed in the morning because I was still alive.

* No more having to force that first bottle of beer down my neck for breakfast. The ability of my stomach to tolerate this would determine the course of my day – if I couldn’t keep the alcohol down I could look forward to 12 hours of shaking and feeling like crap.

* No more stomach pains.

* If my liver was damaged beyond repair I wanted to have a couple of sober years before my death.

* I no longer wanted to make promises that I’d no intention of keeping.

* I wanted to be able to treat my girlfriend better – like she deserved to be treated.

* I no longer wanted to see the look of disappointment on people’s faces because I’d messed up again.

* The ability to eat food without first being drunk.

* I wanted to be able to read a book and remember the contents the next day.

* No more blackouts and the fear of not knowing how I’d behaved the night before.

The Monks Made Me a Promise

I finally managed to break away from my addiction at a Thai temple. The monks at Thamkrabok made me a promise – so long as I kept away from alcohol my life would keep on improving. It sounded like a great plan, but I didn’t really believe them. I knew that if my expectations were too high it would doom me to disappointment. The amazing thing is that the prediction of these monks turned out to be accurate. I’ve no idea how it works but my life just keeps on getting better and better. I do have bad days but when I look back on what’s happened during the last six sober years it is simply astounding. I’ve become the sort of person that I always envied. I’ve discovered that the comfort that I once believed could be found in a bottle is there in sobriety.

Payoff for Getting Sober

We do get a payoff for getting sober, and it can be more than we would dare to imagine. It’s a great deal because at the end of the day we are only giving up something that is killing us. The rewards are a bonus for doing the right thing. I have a theory for how the universe works – at least as it applies to humans anyway. I believe that each of us has a purpose in life, but it is up to us to find that purpose. The universe tries to help us using a carrot and stick approach. Our life deteriorates when we are on the wrong path, but it rewards us for being on track. I’m sure that there are plenty of people who could find holes in this theory, but it does work for me. The monks at Thamkrabok held a similar view of things. They also believed that addiction was a sign that people had lost their way in life, and that once they got back on track the need to abuse alcohol and drugs would fall away.

There is no need for drunks to accept my new agey views on life for them to understand that there will be a payoff for getting sober. It just makes sense. There may be an element of unfairness in the world but generally speaking when people do the right thing they will get good results. Those who have ended up as drunks should have no problem accepting that the opposite is true. When people stop being their own worst enemy there life is going to get better. How could it not? The only question is how much better? My experience has been that it doesn’t take that much effort to achieve impressive results in recovery.

Addiction Can Be a Great Teacher

It is possible to benefit from addiction but only if we survive it. The experience makes us stronger, and it teaches us some valuable lessons. The most important thing that we find out is that we can become a different person – a leopard can change its spots. Many people go through their life without really appreciating this, and they end up accepting a mediocre life. The addict is put in a position where they either change or die. It is a terrible situation to find ourselves in, but it can also have a real impact on our future. If the person knows that they can change something so significant about themselves they will be able to change almost anything. Ending and addiction is empowering, and this new inner strength doesn’t go away. We can approach our future with confidence and determination.

The idea that drunks are weak willed is a myth. Most of us would have crawled across broken glass if it was the only way to get to the booze. The life of the addict is not easy, and it takes a high degree of commitment to maintain any semblance of normality. Some of us were high functioning for most of the time. I was able to train as a nurse and appear outwardly competent even though my drinking was out of control. Addicts have to work hard to keep things together. Even the homeless drunk will survive because of their street smarts and determination to enjoy the next bottle of booze. If anything the addict is stronger willed than the average person and when they become sober they can turn this into tenacity – this gives them the ability to get things done.

Giving Up Alcohol Is a No Brainer

When I was planning this post I did consider writing down at least fifty reasons for why drunks should give up alcohol – I’ve written something like that before. In the end I decided that it wasn’t necessary. The benefits of giving up on alcohol are obvious – it is a no brainer. The choice is between a life that is steadily getting worse over time or one that is going in the opposite direction.

I’m not going to lie and say that life is perfect when we get sober because sometimes it just isn’t. The fact that we’ve stopped self destructing does not mean that we get a free pass in life. The difference is that we can cope with these bad things and when we come through them we always end up benefiting from the experience. The reality is that we grow as humans when we face hardships – unless of course we are a drunk.

Despite the occasionally bad days my life is good – more than good. I don’t miss alcohol. If somebody came to me tomorrow with a foolproof method for social drinking I wouldn’t be interested in it. The biggest prize for me in sobriety is a mental peace that I get to enjoy most of the time. I wouldn’t risk losing that for anything. Outwardly my life today is unrecognizable to how it once was. I’ve achieved so much and I’ve so much to be thankful for, but the real magic has occurred within. The despair has gone. Instead I wake up excited most mornings because I know that there is a day of adventure ahead of me. That is the real payback for getting sober.

How to Quit Being a Drunk Series

Part one – Welcome to the Series

Learning to Trust the Universe

In this video I discuss my experience of learning to trust the universe.

How to Quit Being a Drunk

Welcome to the Series

I sometimes get emails and comments from people who are still caught up in addiction. This has been the most rewarding aspect of having a blog for me, and it may be that I benefit more from these exchanges than the person asking for my help. There was a time in my life when the best I could hope for from other humans was pity, but now they turn to me for advice – what a turnaround that is. I always feel frustrated after replying to these emails though, because I never feel like I’ve said enough. It is this frustration that has given me the motivation to begin this series on how to quit being a drunk. I intend to keep on writing additional posts until I’m satisfied that I’ve given the best advice I possibly can.

I Remember What It Was Like

My life today is so different, but I remember what it was like to be a drunk. I felt so desperate back then and had so little hope. I spent many a drunken evening crawling the web looking for solutions. I obsessively searched for stories about people who had managed to escape a similar hell and who went on to live a good life. These individuals inspired me and I wanted to know their secrets. I would yo-yo from desperate hope to cynical despair. I kept on searching online, but I seemed to be getting nowhere until one night I found a website that was offering a solution that I knew would work for me – the temple Thamkrabok.

The purpose of this series of posts is not to encourage people to travel to Thailand to seek help in a Buddhist temple; although that may be an option for some. It is my belief that there is a solution for each one of us, and when we are ready the teacher will appear. I remember what it was like. It was getting to the point of complete willingness that has been the real secret of my success. It is the aim of this series of posts to encourage other people to reach that point of total surrender. I remember thinking to myself that if the monks told me to run bollock naked around Thailand I’d do it to get sober. That is the type of willingness I’m talking about here. If people are willing to do whatever it takes their success is guaranteed.

Who Am I to Tell People to Stop Drinking?

I do not claim to be an addiction expert, and I do worry about my qualifications to offer advice. My biggest fear is that I might write something that causes harm to people trying to become sober – those who are vulnerable and in need of effective help. The reality is that the internet is already full of people offering this type of advice, and I dare say that at least some of them know less than I do. I spent almost two decades battling my demons, and I’ve managed to stay sober for six years. I’ll never drink again. I offer the advice here in good faith, but I would warn people that anything I say is just my opinion.

I’m learning new things all the time so there is no telling how long this series might go on for. I still welcome emails from those in trouble but at least I’ll be able to use these posts as a means to provide better guidance. My ambitious plan is to write down everything I know about how to quit being a drunk. If it helps just one person to overcome their addiction it will be worth it.

Drunk or Alcoholic

I prefer to use the word ‘drunk’ rather than ‘alcoholic’ but not enough to get into an argument about it. The main reason for this is that I found it harder to give up being an alcoholic than I did giving up being a drunk. During my twenties I quit the booze for two full years, but I didn’t stop being an alcoholic for one day of that time. In my own personal journey I had to give up being an alcoholic, but I’m not saying that this is something that other people must do as well. All that matters is that we find something that works. Enjoy the series and please leave comments – this is what motivates me and keeps the blog interesting!

Muay Thai Fighter e-Book Released on Amazon

Maverick House have just released the e-Book version of my new book ‘Muay Thai Fighter” on Amazon. The paperback is to be released within the next few weeks. This is the story of what happened to me when I tried to take on the toughest martial art in the world. It didn’t end as I expected, but it was one hell of a journey. I’m really looking forward to getting some feedback on this book so don’t be shy.

Muay Thai Fighter in Amazon US

Muay Thai Fighter in Amazon UK

The Shame of Being a Drunk

One of the most painful aspects of being a drunk for me was the shame of it all. I couldn’t look other people in the eye – not even other drunks. The idea that the eyes are the windows of the soul sounded logical enough to me, and I definitely didn’t want others to see what was going on inside me. There were times during my early twenties when my self esteem was so low that I felt guilty about being alive. In fact I remember apologizing for my existence on a few occasions to people who decided I was a waste of space and wanted to share that observation with me. The best appraisal I could hope for in those days was pity – I could work with that.

If something good happened to me during those years of drunkenness it would become a source of worry. I knew that I didn’t deserve such good fortune. I distrusted any happiness because in my mind it meant that life was getting ready to give me a massive kick in the teeth – my just desserts. Inebriation allowed me to put on a show of extroversion and confidence, but it was all a façade because deep down I knew that my actions were wrong and I was completely wrong.

Deserving Addiction

When people ask me how I could have allowed myself to fall so low in life I can only say that at the time it felt deserved. Even when I ended up with my pants full of poo, while begging on the streets of London, I didn’t question whether I deserved to be there. In fact for the first time in ages it felt as if I’d found my place in life. The nice thing about being ranked among the lowest of the low is that you lose so many of your fears – you know that you can’t fall any further in life. I no longer had to worry about people finding out about how messed up I felt inside. All they had to do now was look at me (or smell me) to know that.

Thinking More about Other People Helped Me Feel Better About Myself

I could not escape my alcoholism until I became convinced that this wasn’t something that I deserved. It was a tough process because increasing my self esteem while still drinking alcohol was an impossible task. Luckily for me I managed periods of sobriety where I got glimpses of my potential. The first major shift in my thinking occurred in my mid twenties when I managed to stay sober for two whole years. I returned to education and improved my qualifications, but the most significant event during that period was doing voluntary work which brought me into contact with people who were dealing with severe learning difficulties. This experience changed me. I made the amazing discovery that thinking more about other people made me feel better about myself. I also found that by helping other people it gave my life a value.

Ending My Addiction Ended My Shame

When I finally gave up alcohol for good six years ago it also brought an end to my shame. I know that my actions during those years hurt people, but it was me who suffered the most. I no longer regret those wasted years because they made me who I am today, but I do regret any hurt I caused. Today I can look anyone in the eye. I don’t feel less than anyone else. Some days it can be hard for me to imagine how I could once have thought so little of myself – but I did.

Yesterday Was a Bad Day for Me

Yesterday was a bad day for me. Life hit me in my most vulnerable spot – my finances. I work as a freelance writer and my most important client told me that he will need to significantly cut back on the amount of work he can send my way. This is something that I knew could happen, but it still managed to rock my world. Funnily enough I was writing a blog post on how I never had bad days anymore when his email hit my inbox. Talk about tempting faith – that particular article has been shelved indefinitely.

I Always Land On My Feet

Yesterday I felt full of fear – one of the things that I was dreading most in the world happened. I didn’t sleep well last night (thankfully a rare occurrence), but my mood has lifted this morning. I remember that I’m a survivor – I always land on my feet. Things might get a bit tough around here, but I’ll do whatever it takes to stay afloat. I have a family to take care of and that is what breadwinners do.

I truly believe that life has a purpose, and that things happen for a reason. I know that this may sound like a trite idea, after all there is so much suffering in the world, but I can only go by my own experience. My path has taken me to exactly where I need to be.

When I became sober six years ago at Thamkrabok temple the monks there promised me that my life would keep getting better so long as I remained sober. I don’t know how this promise works but it has, and I expect this to continue in the future. Amazing things have happened to me, and it is like I’m being guided by some higher force – I don’t even try to guess the nature of this force because it is beyond my comprehension. Bad things do still happen but overall life is great and getting better all the time.

Yesterday I Felt Full of Fear but Today My Life is Perfect

When I take an honest look at my life I can see that everything is perfect right now. Today my health is good and I have ample money for my needs. I’m still working at a job I love, and I’m sure that there will be times today when I will enjoy a feeling of inner peace (this is the real gold in life). I have a beautiful wife and a terrific son. What more can I ask for? When I am honest with myself I see that all my problems are in the future, but I don’t have to worry about the future because it doesn’t exist yet. If I can take care of today I can have faith that tomorrow will take care of itself. This is what I tell myself, and I believe it.

My Problems Were More than Just Alcohol

In this video I talk about how my problems turned out to be far more than just alcohol.

Woo Woo Drives Me Nuts

I bet that the first person to use the words ‘woo woo’ did manage to make people chuckle. It sounds like a fun word – especially if it came out of the mouth of a child. I have to at least admire that first person for their originality and quick turn of mind. These days the term has been adopted by the debunkers and they use it to describe anything that does not fit in with their beliefs. It is like a joke that just is not funny anymore because it has been told too many times – yet people continue to use it.

People Flaunting their Closed Mindedness

Not only does the word ‘woo woo’ sound trite but when people use it I can’t help but assume that they are closed minded. The word skepticism used to refer to a “questioning attitude towards knowledge, facts, or opinions/beliefs stated as facts” , but modern skepticism is all about defending a certain dogma – i.e. scientism. This is why I prefer to call these people pseudoskeptics or debunkers. I think that Thomas H Huxley gave a good description of how a true skeptic should behave when he used the words:

“Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion, follow humbly wherever and to whatever abysses nature leads, or you shall learn nothing”

Few of the people who call themselves skeptics today would follow this advice of Huxley. If they believe that something does not fit in with the current materialist paradigm they just dismiss it as woo woo. It is a shame that people who claim to love knowledge have such a closed minded attitude – particularly as so many of our brilliant scientists did and do believe in ‘woo woo’. Unfortunately modern day scientists who are open minded about the unknown tend to keep their opinions to themselves out of fear of ridicule.

The Continuing Struggles of Pete Doherty in Thai Rehabs

It looks like Pete Doherty has developed something of an affinity for addiction rehabs in Thailand – although he does not seem to be having much luck with them. Back in 2004 he entered Thamkrabok Temple but fled because he claimed the treatment was too harsh, and he didn’t feel strong enough for it. This time he has been asked to leave a rehab facility in Chiang Mai because his behavior was deemed unacceptable.

I understand what it is like to be caught in the revolving door syndrome, and I do empathize with Pete, but it is difficult not to feel irritated by the games that addicts play. I sort of feel bad about it now but my first reaction to reading the news of his latest escapade was ‘you twat – why can’t you just man up and end your addiction ?’ He probably wouldn’t see things the same way as me though – I was once a sucker for self serving bullshit justifications as well. He has claimed in the past that he is not afraid of dying, and this is where he is heading, but it won’t only be him who will suffer.

Doherty at Thamkrabok

I didn’t even know who Doherty was until after I’d come back from Thamkrabok. I’d been living in Thailand for a few years by then, and I hadn’t kept up with the music scene back in Europe. If I had been living back in Ireland or the UK I’m sure that I’d have been a fan – he would have fit in well with the rest of my tragic heroes like Kurt Cobain, Nick Drake, and Brendan Behan.

Doherty’s departure from Thamkrabok probably harmed the temple’s reputation. To be fair, I’m not sure that it was completely his fault, but the Guardian ran a sensational story that suggested that Doherty had been badly treated at the temple. The reporting is full of inaccuracies so maybe they exaggerated what Pete had to say. The article claims that the monks beat him with bamboo sticks and forced him to drink the temple medicine. At the time Pete did issue a statement saying:

“Thamkrabok Monastery have done everything they could to help me, but I am not strong enough for this treatment.”

Luckily I did not read the Guardian article before going to Thamkrabok. If I did it might have turned me off seeking help there. This would have been a shame for me because after two decades of seeking help it was the thing that finally allowed me to end my addiction. Bad news travels fast though, and this Guardian article is often used to discredit the temple. I’ve been in many online debates where I talk about how Thamkrabok temple helped me, but skeptics will regularly use the alleged abuse of Doherty to prove that I’m wrong. It gives ammunition to those who dislike the idea of a spiritual cure for addiction. I suspect there are also those in the recovery profession that dislike the fact that Thamkrabok offers their services for free.

Get Well Soon Pete

I’m not sure what happened in Chiang Mai, but I suspect that Pete was no angel in the affair. My favorite monk Phra Hans once described him as being “unwilling or unable to let go of his dark side”. I truly hope that Pete can reach a point soon where he can let go of this shit. There really can be a magical life away from addiction and all he has to do is to allow it to happen. If rehab doesn’t suit him then he should find something that does.

Arrival at Focus 15 with the Gateway Experience

For the last few days I’ve been experimenting with focus 15 as part of the Gateway Experience program. Robert Monroe referred to it as a level of consciousness that is beyond time. This sound suitably mysterious, and for the last few weeks it has been a real struggle for me not to skip ahead to this session. I forced myself to stick with my schedule because each session builds on the previous one. I’m glad I waited because it meant that the move to focus 15 felt natural.

Goodbye Bob Monroe, Hello Laurie Monroe

Waves 5 and 6 of the Gateway Experience were changed after Bob died. This is because up until a few years ago it was not possible to go above focus 12 with the home program – you had to attend a retreat at the Monroe Institute for this. Bob wasn’t around to create the new waves so the task has been taking over by his daughter Laurie Monroe. When I heard her voice on the first track of Wave 5 it came as a bit of a shock. Despite my complaints in the last post about Bob’s wordiness I’d gotten used to his friendly voice. It took a few sessions before I was used to his daughter providing the instructions.

Arrival at Focus 15

The process of moving from focus 12 to focus 15 is nothing fancy. I suspect that the real magic happens because of the hemi sync that is hidden beneath other sounds on the track. The difference between focus 10 and focus 12 is quite noticeable for me. I can literally feel my consciousness expanding and the area around the middle of my brow (this is sometimes referred to as the third eye or brow chakra) becomes activated strongly. The first time I moved from focus 12 to focus 15 the change felt subtle. I knew that something had altered in the level of my consciousness, but I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. I’ve now been back to focus 15 about 12 times and the quality of this state of consciousness is more obvious to me. I can understand why it is referred to as beyond time – although it is different from what I expected.

I waited until after I’d experienced focus 15 for myself before reading what other people had to say about this state of consciousness. I came across a post by another blogger and he described it as being stuck in some sort of perceptual molasses. That is a good description and better than the words I would use to describe it. Thoughts slow down in focus 15 and the gaps between thoughts seem to go on for a long time – it is almost like you can forget to think. I’ve found that it is lethal to enter this state when I’m tired because it is so easy to fall into sleep. When I manage to stay awake there tends to be long gaps of nothing combined with periods of clear images. On a few occasions when I’ve reached the end of the session I didn’t want it to end.

The ability to remain aware without thoughts or other stimulus is evidence that consciousness is far more than what some modern scientists would have us believe. Our sense of ‘I ness” can remain even when our identity, memories, beliefs and opinions fall away. There are some advanced meditators who claim to remain aware even when they are in deepest sleep – I believe them. I view this ability to remain aware without external or internal stimuli as further evidence that we are more than our physical bodies.

My Previous Posts about the Monroe Gateway Experience

Out of Body with the Monroe Gateway Experience

Early Astral Explorations with the Monroe Gateway Experience

How Brain Entrainment Increases My Productivity

Astral Travel to Help People Recover From Addiction

Continuing Adventures with Hemi Sync Gateway Experience