Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 45

How to Quit Being a Drunk – Getting Motivated

This is Part 6 in an Ongoing Series

By the end of my drinking I had become quite skilful at summoning up the motivation to quit. The problem was not so much getting to the point of stopping but of then staying stopped. This is because my determination to give up alcohol would fade unless I took deliberate action to maintain it. I was also missing another key ingredient – the willingness to do whatever it takes to break away from alcohol (I’ll be talking about this in the next article). I found motivation to be the first vital step to breaking away from addiction. If I’m forced to choose a metaphor, I would say that it is the fuel in the engine of recovery.

Life Falling Apart Was Never Enough Motivation

I can remember most of my drinking years as involving a pathetic existence but suffering rarely worked for me as a motivation to quit. If anything this misery gave me even more reason to get drunk. It wasn’t so much hitting rock bottom that woke me up, but the realization that I did not have to be there. The real driving force behind all my attempts to quit was the nagging feeling that my life could be so much better. Those times before when I’d managed to stay sober had given me a taste of what was possible. At the end of my addiction I would have been just happy for the pain to stop, but it was the hope that there could be more than this that really motivated me to keep on searching for a solution.

The Secret to Developing the Motivation to Quit Alcohol

Books and the internet were not enough to get me sober, but they could help me develop the motivation to quit. I would immerse myself in all the recovery literature I could get my hands on. The aim was to deliberately brainwash myself so that getting sober became my number one priority. Sometimes I had to do this for a few days, but it always worked for me eventually. I found the inspirational stories of people who had managed to quit and gone on to live a good life to be the most potent – I couldn’t get enough of them (one of the main reasons why I keep writing about recovery is the memory of how such content did make a difference to me).

Another trick that I’d use for increasing my motivation was writing. I would try to get all the junk inside my head down on paper. I’d brainstorm reasons for why my life would be better without alcohol, and I always felt mentally clearer after I’d done this. I would also dissect any excuses that I had for continued drinking, and these never stood up to any type of scrutiny once they were written down.

Another strategy that I found useful was to give myself pep talks. My inner personal trainer ridiculed my doubts and cheered on my efforts. It felt like tapping into an inner strength that was beyond anything I could normally muster. I suffered badly from low self esteem in those days, but I was still able to pretend to be confident and somehow this made me feel more confident. I suppose this is what they mean in Alcoholics Anonymous when they say you need to fake it to make it.

I would keep using these strategies until I felt ready to stop. I’d try to spend as many of my waking hours as possible focused on recovery until I reached the tipping point.

How to Quit Being a Drunk Series

Part one – Welcome to the Series

Part two – The Payoff

Part Three -Alcoholism is a choice

Part Four – Rock Bottom Myth

Part Five- The Problem with Ambivalence

Part Six- Getting Motivated

Learning to Judge Less and Accept More

A trap that I too regularly fall into is wasting time worrying about what other people are doing and thinking. For some reason this tends to happen more with me when my life is going well. One of the benefits of having the shit hit the fan is that it does not leave me much time to worry about what strangers are up to. On an intellectual level I know that judging other people is a terribly bad idea, but this does not stop me from doing it.

Judging Comes in Many Forums

Almost all the judging I do these days occurs with strangers posting on web forums. As you can probably tell from the blog I am a bit of a fan of spiritual endeavors, but almost all the forums devoted to this topic attract skeptics. I don’t usually set out to get into a debate, but sometimes I can’t resist rising to the bait. It isn’t even like I want to change these people’s views – it is more like I want to beat them over the head with them. It is just so easy to fall into ‘us and them’ thinking and this is where the judging starts. The fact that the web is anonymous makes it even easier to demonize the other side.

One of the main dangers with judging another person is that it makes it almost impossible to understand what they are actually saying. This because by forming a judgement I have already decided that I know what they are going to say. My goal then becomes to prove them wrong. There are plenty of other people out there who are doing the exact same thing, and this is why these online debates often turn into personal attacks rather than exchanging information. I know that the intensity of these debates makes them entertaining, but I always walk away feeling a bit depressed – even on those occasions when it felt like I was on the winning side.

I find that negativity is a drain on my energy, and judging other people is one of the most potent forms of negativity. My views about life are changing all the time so it seems a bit silly to judge others for having different views than my own. I’m fairly confident that in a year’s time I will look back on my current beliefs and opinions and decide that at least some of them were wrong. This is what happens every year, and I see it as a good thing. I would imagine that if there were an online forum where I could communicate with the ‘me’ from past years it would involve a constant flame war.

My Goal is to Accept More

One thing that I’ve discovered in regards to changing undesirable parts of my personality and behavior is that it is usually easier to do something rather than not do something. If I made a commitment to not judging other people I’m fairly certain that I would fail even before the end of the day. I think the real answer is for me to become more accepting of other people. This means fully accepting the idea that people will always have good reasons for what they believe, and that they are not just holding such beliefs in an attempt to piss me off.

Second Week of 5:2 Fasting Diet

I have now entered my second week of the 5:2 fasting diet so it is probably time to provide an update (thanks to Nik for reminding me and good luck with your attempt). Today is my third fasting day and so far I have been impressed with the results. I don’t want to become too obsessed with my performance on the weighing scale, as I know this can lead to disappointed, but so far I have lost 1 kg (2.2 pounds). My starting body weight was 80.2kg (176.8 pounds) and when I last weighed myself (Saturday morning) I was 79.2kg.

My Experience with Fasting

Last week I fasted on Wednesday and Friday. I did feel a bit anxious about the first fasting day, but it turned out to be easy. I had a 500 calorie meal (Chilli Beans) around noon and a small apple in the afternoon. I did feel a little hungry going to bed but nothing uncomfortable – I was looking forward to being able to eat what I wanted the next day.

I wasn’t hungry when I woke up on Thursday morning so that came as a surprise. One of my qualms with this approach is that I might undo any good work from fasting days by gorging on my free diet days. I did not make any attempt to count the calories, but I’m certain that I ate less than usual. I enjoyed my afternoon meal but otherwise I didn’t have much of an appetite.

My next fasting day was Friday. This is the day when we usually go to the supermarket, but I did not fancy the idea of being around so much food – I postponed the shopping trip until Saturday. I did feel a bit gloomy on Friday evening, and I wasn’t sure if this was due to hunger. I did not feel hungry going to bed, but I was looking forward to having the weekend free to eat.

I ate as normal on Saturday and Sunday (i.e. too much). I did manage to keep away from junk food but otherwise it was a free for all. I’m fairly confident that my overindulgence will not have been enough to undo the good work from the two fasting days.

Today is my first fasting day of the week (so far so good), and I will also be fasting on either Thursday or Friday.

You can read more about my 5:2 fasting diet plans here

Ten Weeks of 5:2 Fasting Diet

How to Quit Being a Drunk – The Problem with Ambivalence

This is part 5 in an ongoing series.

During my final years of drunkenness it felt as if there were two people living inside of my head. Maybe if there had only been one of us in there I would have been able to keep my wall of denial intact. Being a drunk would not have been so bad if I could still pretend that it was benefiting me in some way. Instead there was this knowingness that alcohol was destroying everything of value in my life. It felt like my thoughts had divided into two factions; one side determined to keep me trapped in addiction while the other side worked desperately for escape. Apparently this type of ambivalence is common among addicts, and my bet is that it kills more of us than denial.

The Ambivalence Trap

To say that we are ambivalent about something means that we hold simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings . In the case of being a drunk it means that we have accepted that alcohol is causing us problems, but we have other thoughts and feelings that compel us to continue with the behavior. We get caught in the trap of ambivalence and we can remain this way indefinitely. It is the reason why we become chronic relapsers or get caught in ‘rehab revolving door syndrome’.

I used to view my ambivalence toward being a drunk as like two opposing armies. There were always battles being won and lost. When my life became particularly painful it would strengthen the troops fighting for my survival, and sometimes this would be enough so that I could stop drinking for a few weeks. The problem was that I would always become complacent as the memory of the pain subsided, and this would give the addicted troops a chance to regroup. The balance would once again tip in their favor, and I’d relapse.

The reason why I remained trapped in ambivalence for so long was the simple idea that maybe the good drinking days would return. I would regularly devise master plans to make this aspiration a reality. This would most usually involve special drinking rules such as; only drinking in the evenings, having x number of sober days each week, sticking to safe alcohol levels, only drinking beer, or staying dry for x number of weeks. I always felt so enthusiastic when implementing these new regimes, but I’d always end up right back where I started. The most persistent of these dangerous beliefs was that if I could remain sober for a certain length of time it would cure me – even though I’d previously been sober for 2 years and still returned almost immediately to drunkenness when I relapsed.

How I Defeated Ambivalence

I’m not sure if it is possible for anyone who is ambivalent towards alcohol to be able to stay sober long term. So long as we hold onto even the tiniest glimmer of hope that we will be able to one day ‘drink safely’ we are screwed. I found that even being 99% committed to sobriety was not enough – that remaining 1% of ambivalence would trip me up later. It was only when I reached the point of saying ‘never again’ with complete certainty this that I was able to overcome my ambivalence. I know that it will never be possible for me to drink alcohol safely. I do not hold onto any secret hope that they might discover a secret treatment for alcoholism that will allow me to join my old friends in the bar. The really amazing thing is that I also came to the realization that even if such a future cure was discovered I wouldn’t want it.

The trick to winning the war against ambivalence is ruthless honesty. It means weeding out the bullshit that could later be used as an excuse to relapse. Most drunks will already have plenty of compelling evidence that proves to them that they will never be able to drink safely, but they choose to ignore it. The key then is to just accept the evidence and admit defeat. People will know that they’ve reached this point because they will feel a sense of relief by admitting that there is not one drop of enjoyment left in alcohol for them. The war is truly over and now they can focus on building a good life. As John Lennon and Yoko Ono once said “war is over, if you want it”.

How to Quit Being a Drunk Series

Part one – Welcome to the Series

Part two – The Payoff

Part Three -Alcoholism is a choice

Part Four – Rock Bottom Myth

Part Five- The Problem with Ambivalence

Ten Weeks of 5:2 Fasting Diet

When I’m anxious or stressed my habitual response is to turn to destructive behaviors in an attempt to self soothe. For years this meant binging on alcohol but after giving up on that particular madness my attention has turned to food. Now instead of hitting a bar when life gets rocky I raid the fridge. Neither of these solutions is ideal, but I much prefer being an occasional fatty than a habitual drunk. As soon as the stressful period ends I do return to healthier eating patterns, but it is my goal to eliminate this behavior completely. I wouldn’t mind so much if comfort eating actually did help me during difficult times, but it just makes me feel worse.

The Fridge that is Always Open

Readers of the blog will have heard about my most recent stressful period. My regular visits to the fridge has seen me put on 5kg (about 11 pounds) in just over a month – I’ve hit 80kg. My belly is once again flabby and my energy levels are well below what they should be. I’ve also been struggling to shake off a cold, and I’m sure my poor diet has been the main reason for this. I’ve eaten so much junk food over the last few weeks that I feel bad just thinking about it. Now that things are returning to normal in my life the priority is to get back in good physical shape. I’ve had success in the past with mindful eating, but my mindfulness goes out the window when I’m stressed. I want to try something different this time.

Fasting for Health

I first became interested in fasting back in the 1980s after reading Dan Milman’s book ‘The Peaceful Warrior’. Back then I was skinny and I saw fasting as more of a spiritual practice. I did try it a few times but never lasted longer than a day. During the last years of my drinking I’d regularly go days without food, but I wouldn’t call that fasting and it wasn’t something that was done out of choice. I’ve always believed that fasting is good for mental and physical health, but I’ve kept away from it because it seems like a drastic solution except as part of a spiritual retreat.

My interest in fasting has been rekindled after watching a Horizon documentary from the BBC called ‘Eat, fast, and live longer’. It seems that science is confirming what spiritual seekers have known for centuries – fasting is good for you. There is now good evidence that intermittent fasting helps people live longer. It also greatly reduces their risk of developing things like diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and prostate cancer. I’m not obsessed with trying to stay alive for as long as possible, but I am interested in anything that can help me stay healthier for longer. Fasting does seem to offer a means to increase the number of years that we will be healthy and active.

Ten Weeks of 5:2 Fasting Diet

They looked at a number of different fasting options in the Horizon Documentary, but the one that interests me most is the 5:2 fasting diet. This involves fasting for two days of the week and then eating more or less what you like for the other five days. With this diet we still get to eat on the fasting days, but we limit ourselves to 600 calories for men or 500 calories for women. It doesn’t seem like that tough a regime to me so I’m fairly confident that it could work for me.

I’m going to give the 5:2 fasting diet a try over the next 10 weeks. If it proves to be successful I will try to maintain it indefinitely. Today is my first fasting day and so far so good. It is now noon and I’m going to eat my only meal of the day soon – I’ll also allow myself an apple later on. I will add updates here on the blog so people can follow my progress.

How to Quit Being a Drunk – Rock Bottom Myth

This is part four in an ongoing series

One of the most unhelpful bits of information that I picked up as a drunk was the idea that I would need to hit rock bottom in order to get better. Like most popular myths it does contain some truth. The problem is that it is too easy to miss the simple wisdom and turn this saying into a justification for madness. I bet I’m not the only drunk who believed that hitting rock bottom would need to involve losing almost everything. It took me years to realize that it was up to me to decide when I’d reached this point – when I’d had enough.

Rock Bottom as an Excuse to Drink

It once made complete sense to me that drinking more alcohol could be a path to self improvement. This flawed logic was justified because of my understanding of the rock bottom. By hitting the booze that bit harder I would be speeding the process along. I would be bringing myself closer to the point of giving up. This crazy thinking almost killed me – all it did was delay the day when my misery would end. There is no magical point we reach in addiction when the conditions are perfect to stop.

I wouldn’t say that there was anything especially miserable about my last days of drinking. I’d had worse periods in my life. The difference was that I’d just had enough. It wasn’t that things had dramatically fallen apart but more a slow predictable decline to a place of insanity that I’d visited previously. I did believe that continuing consumption of alcohol might kill me in a matter of months, because of the sate of my liver, but this type of concern had never stopped me before. My rock bottom wasn’t anything fancy – it was just the realization that I did not want to do this anymore.

We Choose Our Own Rock Bottom

Unless we are complete sadomasochists there is no advantage to falling lower into addiction. Our rock bottom can only be where we are now. If being drunk is harming our life in any way we’ve already lost enough. There are no medals for getting as close to death as we can go. In AA they talk about a descending lift (elevator if you are from the US) where it is up to us to decide which floor we want to get off at. I like this description because it emphasizes that the power is in our own hands to stop the pain whenever we want to.

By delaying the day that we will end our pain we are being our own worst enemies. There is no justification for it. We are on a losing streak and the only sane option is to remove ourselves from the game before we lose everything.

How to Quit Being a Drunk Series

Part one – Welcome to the Series

Part two – The Payoff

Part Three -Alcoholism is a choice

Part Four – Rock Bottom Myth

The Tide Comes Back For a Freelance Writer

In a couple of recent posts I’ve discussed some worries that have been keeping me awake at night. I’m not completely out of the woods yet but things are much better than they were. It looks like my fears of destitution can be set aside for at least the immediate future. It has been an incredibly tough few weeks for me, but I’ve good reason to believe that the tide is now coming back.

Shit Just Doesn’t Happen to Me

The one thing that has made it easier to cope with my recent tribulations has been to view it as some type of test – a chance for me to learn and grow. I don’t really believe that shit just happens but even if it does, I still feel that it is better to approach the rough patches as if they have been sent my way as some type of challenge. There were times during this test when I stumbled badly, and it is still too early to say that it has made me a better person – but it certainly could have. I do know that I never want to end up in a similar position again, and I’ll do the best I can to avoid it.

Mistakes Were Made

I feel such a great sense of relief for these signs that things are getting back to normal. It is the bad days that make me so grateful for what I already have. I’m sure that the inner itch to get more will return but for now I’m satisfied. I’ve learnt a great deal from this recent ordeal, and I can clearly see that mistakes were made.

I still believe in the power of positive thinking but like most tools it is only effective for certain jobs and when used correctly. I focused so hard on staying positive that I pushed down my negative emotions until they had accumulated and caused an inner explosion. This turned out to be a mistake, and as a result of this I became overwhelmed by negativity. It would have been better to acknowledge my worries while still trying to stay positive. The lesson being that pretending that something doesn’t exist will not make it go away.

I also failed miserably at staying in the moment and focusing on the actual problem. Instead as one of you guys pointed out (thanks Tan) I allowed my fears to take over, and I began committing “psychological and emotional violence” against myself. I thought that I was stronger than that, but I’ve obviously a long way to go. I’m the sort of person who only seems to learn through pain. I can’t say that I’ll never fall into this trap again, but I plan to be better prepared for it. I remember watching a documentary about Ram Dass called Fierce Grace. When he had his stroke he became full of fear at the thought that he was about to die – even though he had devoted decades to spiritual practice. I suppose learning to manage our fears is the work of a lifetime.

There is Always a Silver Lining

I’m really glad that I posted about my recent troubles on here – that has been the silver lining. The feedback I got was so helpful, and it meant I felt less alone. It can feel risky to share the negative aspects of my life, but it would be dishonest of me to do otherwise. I am what I am – warts and all.

I did have one person suggest that I should give up trying to make my living as a writer. They expressed concerned that I’m missing out on the important things in life. I understand what this person is trying to say, but I just don’t feel ready to give up yet. I always knew that this life was going to be difficult at times– that’s the price I pay for trying to live my dreams. I wasted too many years where I was willing to accept the bare minimum on offer but now I want more than that.

Goodbye Danny from Thamkrabok

During my stay at Thamkrabok detox temple I got to meet some interesting characters. Those of you who read Dead Drunk might remember a fellow patient who I called Danny in the book (I didn’t use his real name, and I won’t use it here either).

I found out today that Danny has died – apparently by his own hand. I’ve only exchanged a couple of brief emails with him since our time together at the temple. I didn’t really know what was going on in his life. From what I’ve been told he did manage to stay away from alcohol and drugs but unfortunately this was not enough to give him peace. I only knew him for such a brief period but news of his death saddens me deeply.

Danny the Wild Man of Thamkrabok

Danny was unconscious when he arrived in my world. The temple had arranged for him to be picked up at the airport. He’d gotten on the plane voluntarily, but he had a change of heart by the time he landed – the booze on the journey gave him a bit of an appetite for more.

Danny had decided that he wanted to go wild in Bangkok for a couple of days before submitting himself to detox. Representatives from Thamkrabok were waiting for him at Don Muang Airport and somehow managed to convince him to get into their truck. He was probably already too drunk to argue with them, and he consoled himself by tucking into his duty free. The fact that he was unconscious by the time he hit the temple gates meant that he got to skip the usual formalities. He was processed, admitted, and deposited in our dorm without once opening his eyes. The monks had put his mattress on the floor, and this turned out to be a wise move.

When Danny woke up to find himself already in detox he was not a happy camper. He acted like someone who had become possessed by demons. He began screaming that he wanted his ‘stuff’ and he needed to leave right away. The temple volunteers arrived to talk him down, but he wasn’t having any of that. He became louder and more energetic. The Thai monks arrived on the scene, but their lack of English meant that they had even less luck than the volunteers. This led to one of the most bizarre incidents that I’ve ever witnessed in Thailand. Danny was still lying on the mattress but he was managing to kick out and hit the monks. He wasn’t connecting hard or anything, but it is still a definite no-no in Thailand. The monks took it all in good spirits though, and Danny was so skillful with aiming his kicks that some of us onlookers even began to cheer him on. It really was a strange few minutes. The monks resolved the situation by grabbing Danny by each of his limbs and depositing him into the pool outside our dorm (this wasn’t like any pool that you would find in a fancy hotel). The cool water did seem to have a calming effect on him, but he still made the occasional swipe at a monk’s leg with his arms – trying to pull them in as well. Eventually he calmed down enough to be allowed to return to dry land.

Danny the Cool Dude

For his first 24 hours at the temple Danny managed to provide an almost constant commentary on his withdrawal symptoms. We got no sleep in the dorm that night because of it. Most of his comments were funny though, and that made it easier to listen to him. By the second day his mood had completely changed, and he became a joy to be around. He wore dark glasses and waltzed around the temple like some type of celebrity. News about his arrival had become the stuff of legend among the Thai patients, and they all thought he was a real character. The monks too seemed to develop a soft spot for his rebellious nature.

I only knew Danny for 10 days but some people don’t need long to leave a lasting impression. Underneath his bravado he had a real heart of gold. He deeply cared about people and he felt regret about any pain he had ever caused. Danny also had ambitions and planned a great life for when he left the temple. He even talked about writing a book about his experiences. I’m sure it would have been a great read. On my last day at Thamkrabok I had to leave very early but Danny got up to see me off. I appreciated that.

Goodbye Danny from Thamkrabok

I don’t know what drove Danny to take his own life. Getting sober can put us in the ideal position to create a good life for ourselves but none of us get a free pass. The journey is challenging and in order to keep making progress we have to overcome our greatest fears. I don’t claim to know what happens after death, but I’d like to think that Danny is continuing his journey with a lighter load. I knew him only briefly, and that was six years ago, but today I miss him.

How to Quit Being a Drunk – Alcoholism is a Choice

This is part three in an ongoing series.

A few weeks ago I posted a video on YouTube called ‘Alcoholism is a Choice’. I lost a few subscribers to my channel that day, and I can only speculate that this was because of my bold claim. The idea that alcoholism is a choice is not such a popular one these days. Some might even say that it is victim blaming – that it harks back to the nineteenth century when drunks were viewed as moral reprobates, and therefore deserving of anything bad that happened to them. That is not what I’m claiming at all, but I still view alcoholism as a choice.

Becoming a Drunk Might Not Be a Choice

There does seem to be good evidence that genetics play a part in addiction. Some of us may have come preloaded with certain quirks in our brain that make us prone to this type of behavior. There is also no doubt that people can have shitty childhoods and this pushes them into alcohol and drug use. I’m not disputing any of this. I never made a conscious decision to become a rock bottom drunk, and I doubt many other people did either. I might even be able to put a pretty good case together to prove that falling into alcoholism was not my decision at all. What I wouldn’t be able to do is provide justification for why I stayed that way for years. The evidence that drinking was ripping my life apart was undeniable yet I continued with the behavior. It is for this reason that I say that alcoholism is a choice.

Free Pass to be a Drunk

By the time I‘d hit nineteen years of age it was obvious to everyone who knew me that alcohol was causing me problems. The final straw came when my then girlfriend kicked me out, and I had to get my dad to save me from destitution. I’d been living in Scotland and he had to arrange my passage back to Ireland because I’d spent the last of my money drowning my sorrows. My family convinced me to go to a doctor who then referred me on to an addiction specialist. This expert told me that I had a disease called alcoholism. I wasn’t sure that I believed him at first, but I sure wanted to. It would almost give me a free pass to be a drunk – of course I’m drunk, I’m an alcoholic.

I remember one afternoon shortly after this sitting in a bar with some friends. They had all said that I was a ‘madman on the drink’, but I’d taken this as a compliment. I mentioned my diagnosis in a jokey fashion, but they didn’t react the way I expected them to. They couldn’t understand why I was still drinking with them if I’d just been told that I was an alcoholic. Duh – for me the answer was so obvious – it was because of my alcoholism that I was drinking with them.

The Proud Alcoholic

I learnt to fully embrace my new status as an alcoholic. When I thought about it more it just made so much sense to me. It meant that I could hold onto the idea that deep down I was a really nice guy but I’d fallen victim to some horrible disease. None of this was my fault – I was the victim here. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous and found that there was no shame in this diagnosis, I even suspected that being an alcoholic meant that I was a special kind of person – one of the chosen few. I loved the idea of angels with dirty faces. After all, so many of my heroes were drunks. Perhaps this rotten disease only affected those of us who were naturally sensitive and creative?

I don’t know if alcoholism is a disease, but I do know that thinking that way didn’t help me at all. I used it as an excuse for the inexcusable. It made me weak. I also picked up on the other excuses that could be used to justify my often appalling behavior. I said things like, “of course I’ve relapsed – relapse is a normal part of the recovery process”. In order for me to fully escape from my condition I had to completely give up on the idea that I was an alcoholic. I’m not saying here that other people should do the same, but I would strongly advise that they stop using it as an excuse.

Taking the Power Back

I gave up alcohol forever by realizing that this was a viable option. I accepted responsibility for my future happiness (and future pain), and I stopped seeing myself as being at the mercy of an uncaring universe. In Alcoholics Anonymous they believe that, ‘a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity’. I tend to agree with this but believe that this power also exists inside of each one of us. Our drunken selves numb this power so that it is only a dim light. It doesn’t take much to get this power pumping again though, and all we have to do is to allow that to happen. We do this by becoming completely willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober and by no longer accepting any excuses for failure. It means realizing that not only can we create a great life for ourselves, but that this is also something that we truly deserve. We take back the power and by doing so we take control of our lives.

I remember what it was like to have a drink in my hand and tears rolling down my face – feeling like some mysterious force was making me do something that I really didn’t want to do. I had all the excuses but my self-pity didn’t help me one bit. I was the problem, and only I could find the solution. The secret to ending my addiction was so simple that I missed it for years. All I had to do was say ‘enough’ and really mean it and then develop he humility and willingness to do whatever was necessary to move on with my life. I had to become 100% convinced that my full recovery was possible. I developed that faith and that is what allowed me to succeed. The only time that we can stop drinking is now. There is no value in waiting to hit some magical rock bottom because we might not survive the impact.

How to Quit Being a Drunk Series

Part one – Welcome to the Series

Part two – The Payoff

Part Three -Alcoholism is a choice

I Will Not Allow My Life to Fall Apart

A couple of weeks ago I added a post on here (Yesterday Was a Bad Day for Me) where I mentioned some worries that I’ve been dealing with recently. I ended this description of my current situation on a positive note – the belief in my ability to always land on my feet. This confident attitude managed to override my natural tendency towards excessive worry. I even felt a bit excited because in the past these tumultuous periods have tended to herald a new positive direction in my life. I managed to hold onto this optimism right up until three days ago, but then things started to fall apart.

Lowest Point Since Giving Up the Booze

I sort of feel a bit guilty for claiming that my recent troubles have brought me to the lowest point since getting sober. My father died a couple of years ago and surely that should be more deserving of such a dubious honor. The truth is that while my dad’s death was terrible, it just wasn’t as tough on me as current events. It didn’t involve the same ongoing worry because it was completely out of my hands. There was nothing that I could do to fix that situation, but this is not the case here – I have full responsibility for handling my writing career.

The worst thing about these recent events is that some of my core beliefs are under assault. I operate in the world with the understanding that if I do the right things the right things will happen most of the time. I also view challenges in life as just that – things that have been sent my way to test me and make me stronger. But what if I’m wrong? Maybe shit really does just happen and there is no guarantee that the tide will come back. What if my efforts to be the best person I possibly can actually makes no difference at all? If these things are true it would rob my life of all purpose. It would mean that my thinking as a drunk was closer to the truth than the ideas that allowed me to recover from that life. I can’t believe this, and I won’t believe it. Life may continue to give these core beliefs a pounding, but I won’t give them up because to do so would mean ripping too much of value from my life.

Reliving My Worst Nightmare

My lowest rock bottom as a drunk happened when I was 25 years old. There were actually some very positive things going on in my life at the time. I had left school at sixteen with no qualifications, but in my twenties I returned to education and managed to study enough during my sober moments to gain some A-levels. I was living in England at the time. On the day that I began my descent to rock bottom I should have been overjoyed because I’d just received a letter to say that I’d been accepted into university. Instead of being excited by this news my life fell apart. I talk about this episode in my book Dead Drunk, but I’ve left out some important details – this was not a deliberate omission, but it is just that my current woes have stirred up these memories.

The real reason for why my life fell apart 18 years ago was excessive worry mixed with alcohol. I’d returned to college the previous year to complete an Access to Social Science Course, but in order to do this I had to move from full-time to part-time bar work. The fact that I was only working a few hours a week meant that my finances were a mess. I worried about money all the time and my means of coping was alcohol, but this led to further financial difficulties and reduced my ability to function. My stress levels escalated and my symptoms became worse. I couldn’t sleep at night and found it difficult to concentrate during the day. I had this feeling of impending doom, and it felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack all the time. I drank more to try to manage the symptoms but then the booze stopped working – no more blessed oblivion. I reached a point where I could no longer function. I stopped going to work and instead of going to university I ended up begging on the streets. I no longer drink alcohol but for the last three days I’ve had to deal with similar symptoms.

Perfect Storm for a Natural Worrier

I’m a natural worrier. I’ve worked hard since becoming sober to overcome this propensity but recent events have demonstrated to me just how far I’ve still to go. I no longer get so worked up over the small things, but major life challenges continue to turn me into a quivering wreck. I’ve become a bit spoiled and haven’t had too many major challenges to deal with – maybe one major challenge per year since giving up alcohol. It’s sort of felt like I’ve been benefiting from the golden touch because things have been going so well. I’ve had some amazing successes. That’s probably what makes my current situation so much more difficult to handle – suddenly it is like everything I touch is turning to shit.

Up until a few weeks ago my problem was too many work opportunities and not enough time. I turned down offers of writing projects at least a couple of times a month. Now that I need some more work coming in it is like all these opportunities have vanished. I even started a Google Adwords campaign and lowered my rates but still no response. My initially positive attitude meant that I felt certain that the offers would come flooding to my inbox but two weeks of silence has chipped away at this certainty. I spend my days scouring the internet for any viable work, but it is like all the doors have closed to me. This has led to me questioning my own abilities as a writer and my belief that the tide always comes back.

Sometimes Things Fall Apart

The effects of my heighted stress levels became more obvious to me three days ago. It started off with tightness in my stomach – a familiar sign that something is amiss. I then got hit by a torrent of negativity. I managed to keep things together in front of my wife and son, but it really did feel like my world was falling apart. My positive attitude had been preventing my fears from taking hold of me, but the situation had now reached critical mass – my fears engulfed me. I felt on the verge of panic, and I wasn’t able to sleep – this led to deterioration in my concentration levels. This is exactly how I felt that time before when my life fell apart, and I ended up losing everything.

The Need to Face My Fear

I used to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I became sober this time I decided to follow a different path, but I still have a good deal of respect for the fellowship. I picked up some valuable lessons during my time with them. I remember at one meeting there was a woman speaker who described how everything bad that happened to her as a drunk was repeated in recovery. This woman needed to overcome some horrendous obstacles in life both as a drunk and as a sober person. She firmly believed though, that the reason these bad things repeated was so she could get an opportunity to deal with them properly. I think this is what may be happening to me here. I’m being forced to face an old enemy who has beaten me before so that this time I can redeem myself.

The reason why I lost to my nemesis last time was that I tried to hide from it. I attempted to crawl inside a beer bottle, but that didn’t help me at all – it only made things worse. My current work situation is cause for concern, but I don’t believe that it is the real problem here. I can’t accept that pure randomness in the universe would mean that we can move from having the golden touch to having manure touch just like that. My enemy is inside me – it is my own fears. I have to do things differently this time, and this means tackling these fears head on. Crumbling in the face of this adversity is not an option for me this time. I’ve come too far for that, and I’ve got more responsibilities these days. I also want to be an example to inspire other people to give up their addiction – a living example of how doing the right things creates good results. If I fail to win this battle I will no longer be able to make that claim.

Turning My Attention to my Stomach

I’m done with spending the day fixated on my email inbox and constantly refreshing the Google Adwords page to see if anyone has clicked on my link. That isn’t working for me. I need to put my focus on where the real problem is – in my stomach. The stress of the last couple of weeks has caused so much internal tension that it feels like there is a huge lump of coal around my abdomen area. I spent a few hours last night just focusing my attention on this. I imagine that I’m massaging it and creating space for it. I believe that this tension has reached such a state because of my resistance. I’ve now stopped resisting it, and I’m just feeling it.

When I worked as a nurse we used a measurement called a ‘pain scale’ to determine the patient’s levels of discomfort – 1 signifying no pain and 10 signifying unbearable pain. I’m using a modified version of this measuring device to keep track of the tension in my stomach. Last night I judged the tension in this area to be at around an 8. I focused my attention on this almost solid mass in my stomach for two hours (not all the time but on and off) and managed to bring the tension down to what I perceived as a 2. I did this before bed, and it meant that I was able to sleep well last night.

Despite my recent trip to the dark side I continue to believe that things are going to be fine. In fact by dealing with the real problem it is going to be more than fine. If I can overcome my fears it will open up my world even more. This will not only be good for me but also for those who depend on me. Writing about how I feel is far more effective than the booze – the thought of drinking alcohol hasn’t entered my head even once during this whole episode. I do feel hesitant about putting this post on my blog, but I’m going to do it anyway. I want people to know that in life we have to deal with both the crunchy and the smooth.