Paul Garrigan's Blog, page 47

Sometimes I Miss Working as a Nurse

It is tempting to fall into the trap of taking things for granted, but I do feel thankful to have ended up in a career that I generally love. There are still mornings when I don’t feel like doing much work, but I never wake up dreading it or wishing that I could do something else for a living. I’m satisfied to be a writer for the rest of my life, something I never felt with any other job, but I do miss working as a nurse. I’ve a great deal of respect for those who continue to work in the profession, and I still consider it to be one of the most important jobs on the planet.

Technically I am still a Nurse

I suppose that technically I could still claim to belong to the nursing profession. I pay to renew my registration each year, and it probably wouldn’t be that difficult for me to get another job. One of the nice things about a career in nursing is that there is usually a high demand for these professionals somewhere in the world.

It is now over a decade since I gave up working full time, but up until a couple of years ago I still did some agency work when I returned back to Ireland on my holidays. I had to give this up because it just didn’t feel safe to continue. It is not possible to stay up to date with nursing practice when you only work a few weeks of the year. I did try to keep my knowledge up through continued study, and I even brought my nursing diploma up to a degree, but it just wasn’t sufficient without the practical experience. I was faced with the choice of going back full time or giving up completely – my dream of a career in writing made the choice easy. It would have been so nice if I could still work as a nurse for a few weeks each year but that just wasn’t feasible. I haven’t burnt any bridges with nursing, but it is getting to the stage now that I’d probably have to do a ‘back to nursing’ course if I wanted to return – not too big a deal I suppose.

Things I Miss About Nursing

One of the things I miss most about nursing is the contact with patients. This is the most satisfying aspect of the job, but it can also be the most emotionally draining. I spent a good deal of time around those who were terminally ill, and just listening to these people, and their family, can be one of the most valuable service a nurse can offer. Before I entered the profession I would’ve run a mile if someone wanted to talk to me about their impending death, but I learned to overcome this fear. I also developed the skills needed to be a good listener – which is against my natural inclination to just talk talk talk. Frequently the conversations with patients involved lighthearted banter, and I got to understand the value of making a negative experience better with a bit of humor – I miss this type of conversation the most.

I also miss the crack with the other nurses. It is nice being a man in a predominately female profession, and it completely changed my view of females. Before that I never really had any girl ‘friends’ – the only females I was interested in were girlfriends and those who I wanted to be my girlfriend. While working as a nurse I found that it was possible to have meaningful friendships with women that didn’t involve sex. I miss the long conversations with my nursing colleagues – especially the ones we would have on the night shift when we sometimes have to keep talking just to stay awake.

I suppose the thing that I really miss about nursing is the sense of satisfaction I got from seeing how my efforts made a difference to people. There were too many times that I left the ward terrified that I’d forgotten something or did something wrong ( I don’t miss that) but most of the time there was a great deal of satisfaction in knowing that I’d done some good work. I miss helping people like that. I do like to think that by sharing my experiences about alcoholism on here it does help people at least in a small way but perhaps I’m deluding myself. I do get emails and comments from people thanking me, but it is difficult to believe that my words make much of a difference. There are hundreds of websites offering advice to those struggling with addiction and many of them do a much better job than I do. It is just not the same as walking away from a patient knowing that your actions helped them.

I think that I’m lucky to have worked in two careers that I love. It would be nice to have the best of both worlds, but it just does not seem possible.

Spiritual Experiences That Helped Me Walk Away from Alcoholism for Good

In this episode video discuss the spiritual experiences that allowed me to break away from addiction for good. The audio podcast version of this edition can be found at the bottom of the page – just press play.

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Music for this episode comes from Doug and Judy Smith Crest of a Revolution

I Am Still Using My Standing Up Desk

The Front View of my Stand Up Desk

I originally posted my experiences with the stand up desk 15 months ago. With the exception of a few weeks when we were driven out of our home by floods I’ve kept on using it. I never bothered to purchase a proper stand up desk, but my makeshift approach continues to function perfectly for my needs. It may not look high tech, but it does the job. This has meant that the move from sitting down to standing up cost me nothing. In recent months I’ve also been using binaural beats to help increase my productivity, and this too has been a great help.

Continuing Health Benefits of Using the Stand up Desk

I don’t stand for all of the day, but I do stand for most of the day. One of the nice things about my low tech stand up desk is that it only takes me a couple of seconds to change back to the sitting position. I only have to remove a couple of the boxes and I’m good to go. I now stand for roughly seven of the hours each day when I would have been previously sitting.

It is difficult to judge exactly how much standing up is benefiting my health. It has become part of my normal routine, and so I take it for granted. It is only when I read back on how things were for me, when I sat down all day that the difference to my health is obvious. I no longer feel like I’m moving from one injury or illness to another, and my energy levels are up. I’m also confident that standing means that I’m burning more calories each day, but I don’t think the difference it makes to my weight is that earth shattering. I did worry that standing so much would lead to lasting negative side effects, but since the adjustment period I can’t say that I’ve noticed any problems. The only real negative outcome that I can think of is that I now find it much harder to sit down at the computer each day. This has been a problem when I needed to stay somewhere without the benefit of a standup desk.

Other People Report Negative Experiences with the Standing Up Desk

I’ve had a few reports from other people who tried the stand up desk and did not find that it suited them. This would seem to imply that it is not an option that is going to work for everyone. It is definitely something worth trying if people find that they have to spend an excessive amount of time sitting down. If they are like me they won’t regret the decision. I’m persuaded that the risks of excessive sitting are real, and it can shorten our lifespan. Sitting down all day did age me noticeably but this has now being reversed. The standing up desk offers an easy way to eradicate such risks.

Continuing Adventures with Hemi Sync Gateway Experience

I’ve now been following the Monroe Gateway Experience program for a little over two months. I’m still managing on average four sessions per day, and I’ve almost reached the end of Wave IV. I try to do each individual session at least five times with a couple of exceptions where it didn’t seem warranted (e.g. colour breathing). I repeated some of the early sessions 20 times to ensure that I was getting the basics. I still feel like I’m rushing through the program so I do intend to go back and go over everything again. So far this has been a definite positive experience, but there have been plenty of times when I felt like giving up.

My Personal Battle against Cynicism

I consider myself to be a spiritual person, but I struggle when it comes to adopting any particular belief system. I just keep picking away until I find the holes and this gives me the excuse to be cynical. This is why I’ve not been able to fully embrace Buddhism despite it being such a positive force in my life over many years. I want spiritual teachings that do not rely on any type of faith, but these are in short supply.

There have been more than a few occasions when my cynicism levels have been elevated during my explorations with Bob Monroe. I find it difficult to accept things like remote viewing without evidence. I’m not that bothered if there is a lack of materialistic scientific proofs that would convince a debunker (although there are plenty of experts who make convincing claims that sufficient evidence is already there), but I do need personal experience before I can accept such things. I’m keeping my mind open, and this is only a small part of the Gateway Experience anyway.

The thing that has raised my cynicism the most has been Bob Monroe’s wordiness. He sometimes seems to be saying ten words when one word would do just fine. This can mean that affirmations sound like legal jargon, and it is like he is making things harder than they need to be. This wordiness can be particularly annoying at the end of a session when he reads out a health affirmation – I cynically refer to it as Bob’s blessing. Sometimes I just want the session to end and at these times I feel certain that he is talking complete gibberish.

The thing that is allowing me to overcome my cynicism is that the Gateway Experience is working for me. I’ve now had a few out of body experiences – although these have been mostly brief. I’ve read that some people try for years before they are able to have one OBE so I am grateful for that. I’m also enjoying an impressive increase in dream lucidity and dream recall – most nights I can remember three separate dreams. There have also been other strange experiences that I’ll talk about in a later post.

The Gateway Experience is Better Without Expectations

I am learning that the best way to approach the Gateway Experience is without any expectations. I’ve already achieved some of my initial goals, but the journey is not taking me where I expected it would. It seems to be leading me somewhere better. Some readers who have more experienced with the Monroe Institute did say that this journey would change me, and I don’t doubt them. I am hopeful that I’m going where I need to go and not where my limited imagination wants me to go. Despite my cynicism I’m becoming convinced by the Gateway Affirmation which begins with the words, I am more than my physical body…



I’m not completely sure if the Monroe Institute offers the best program of its kind. I certainly would not suggest that it is going to be a good option for everyone. I’m not here to offer free marketing services for hemi sync. I think that it is a pity that their audio course is so expensive. What I will say is that so far it is working for me so I’m a happy customer.

My Previous Posts about the Monroe Gateway Experience

Out of Body with the Monroe Gateway Experience

Early Astral Explorations with the Monroe Gateway Experience

How Brain Entrainment Increases My Productivity

Astral Travel to Help People Recover From Addiction

Alcoholics and their Bullshit Excuses

In this video I look at some of the excuses addicts give for their behavior (or at least the excuses I used)

The Promenade at Fashion Island Bangkok

Fashion Island is the nearest largest department store to us here in Minburi. When we first moved to Bangkok I avoided going there because I thought it just sold clothes – it took me a few months to catch on that it offers far more than this. We now usually go there once a month, but at this time of year we visit a bit more regularly because it is the rainy season – this makes it difficult to plan outdoor trips. Fashion Island is a bright modern mall with enough shops to keep my wife and son entertained for a few hours. Timmy loves it there because it has Kid’s Island on the top floor. This has a number of fun rides and one of the largest soft play areas in Bangkok – this means plenty of things for him to jump off, slide down, and swing from. My wife usually stays with him while I slip off to visit the Apple Store and enjoy a coffee at Starbucks.

The Promenade

They began building a new department store right beside Fashion Island a few months ago. It has an interesting design. It looks like something out of a fairy book because of the bright colors – it is also cleverly designed to look like an old fashioned street of shops rather than a department store. I’ve been looking forward to seeing the finished building and last Sunday we had the opportunity to visit.

The Promenade is connected to Fashion Island by a sky bridge. I didn’t realize this at first so we ended up having to dodge traffic as we made my way to there from the Fashion Island car park. It was worth it though because I was impressed by what I found inside – not so much because of the shops but because of the design.

The Promenade is obviously trying to attract the wealthy (or as they say in Thailand “high so”) so there are many expensive boutiques. There is also a new high end grocery market that sells international products so this is going to be another good option for westerners looking for home comforts. I didn’t go inside because I needed to go to Tops later – another grocery shop that caters for western tastes. One of the nicest things for me about the Promenade is that there is a Subway restaurant. This is one of my favorite comfort foods so it is good for me to now have an outlet in relatively easy reach of my home – hopefully I won’t feel the need to visit too often. There are also plenty of other restaurants inside The Promenade as well.

Overall I would say that The Promenade is worth a visit for the architecture alone. It is great that it is physically connected to Fashion Island because I wouldn’t visit often if it was just the Promenade.

Astral Travel to Help People Recover From Addiction

In this video I discuss how astral travel/lucid dreaming can be of value to people recovering from an addiction.

Listening to Rod Stewart and Memories of My Dad

This morning the song You Wear it Well was buzzing around inside my brain. I’m not that much of a Rod Stewart fan, but my father couldn’t get enough of him. The albums Atlantic Crossing and A Night On the Town were required listening in our house, and these tracks bring up so many memories for me. You Wear it Well is not on either of those albums, but it was one of my father’s favorites.

I found my nostalgia this morning for Rod Stewart a bit bizarre until I realized the date. In a couple of days it will be the second anniversary of my dad’s death. I’d forgotten all about it.

Memories of My Dad

I think many of us make the mistake of only truly appreciating our loved ones after they have died. That was certainly the way it was with me and my father. I began rebelling against him in my mid teens, and I continued with this right up until his death. Of course I felt justified in hanging onto my grudges. I expected him to live up to my high standards for fatherhood so how dare he fall short of this. He had let Team Paul down. He once told me that I’d only be able to understand him after I had a child of my own. Like many things he said to me growing up this turned out to be true. Now I’m a father, and it’s not always easy.

Memories of my father creep up on me at the most unexpected moments. It is bizarre but I even get moments when it feels like I have become him. This happens most when I’m talking to my son. I’m explaining something to Timmy and it suddenly hits me that this is my dad talking. I’m using his exact words – it is the oddest feeling. I also get times when I’m driving the car and I’m flooded with memories of my dad sitting behind the wheel – he drove a car for a living. It is like at these moments he is there with me inside my head.

I don’t know what happens to people after they die. My strong hunch is that some aspects of consciousness do survive, but as yet I’ve no proof of this. The one thing that I do know is that my dad still continues in the memory of those who knew him. He is there every time I listen to Rod Stewart.

How Brain Entrainment Increases My Productivity

I’ve experimented with a number of brain entrainment products over the years, and it has been a generally positive experience. In a previous post I discussed my adventures with the Monroe Gateway Experience and that continues to be a fun ride. I also use special music tracks to increase my work productivity, and this is what I want to talk about here.

Binaural Beat, Monaural Beats, 3D sound, and Isochronic tones

I use different brain entrainment products to achieve different results:

- I mostly listen to binaural beats as part of the Gateway Experience. This technology works by combining two slightly different frequencies to create a new sound – one that the brain would otherwise be unable to pick up on. I tend to turn the volume of these tracks down low so I’m not sure how much they benefit me. I’m able to achieve deep states of meditation without binaural beats so I just use them like beacons. One of the nice things about using this type of brain entrainment is that it has allowed me to identify different meditation states so that I can move to them at will.

- I like to listen to 3D sound while reading in bed in the evenings. It is best with headphones but I sometimes just stick it on the speakers because it gets my son in a good mood for sleep. I like the nature tracks where I’m surrounded by all the sounds of a forest. One thing I miss while living in Thailand is the European forest – not that I visited them that much when I lived there. With 3D sound I can close my eyes and pretend I’m there. I’ve also been experimenting with winter tracks because I might use these the next time our electricity goes and we have no air conditioning.

- Monaural beats involve combining two different frequencies and they work in a similar way to binaural beats. The new frequencies created include, beta, alpha, theta, delta, and gamma. I use beta frequencies to increase my productivity and alpha to increase creativity levels. It is claimed that listening to theta waves can allow people to reach levels of meditation deeper than a Zen monk who has been practicing for decades. I can’t confirm this because I usually get a headache when I listen to theta waves for too long.

- Isochronic means regular beats of the same tone. Many of the tracks I listen to contain these.

Effectiveness of Brain Entrainment

There are apparently plenty of scientific studies that back the efficacy of brain entrainment. I must admit that I’ve not looked at any of this research because my own litmus test for efficacy is that it works for me. Even if these technologies are only providing a placebo effect it wouldn’t make a difference to me personally so long as it works. The placebo effect is greatly undervalued in my opinion.

I have bought some products that did not live up to their claims. There were even a couple of tracks that made me feel ill and I haven’t been able to listen to them since. Overall though, these products have benefited my life. I’ve notice a significant increase in my productivity, focus, and creativity when using specific tracks, and I can depend on these when I’m struggling with work. They are not any type of magical solution, but the effect is enough to make buying them worthwhile for me.

Music to Make Mondays More Productive

I work as a freelancer so this means that I’ve got a great deal of freedom when it comes to scheduling my work. Despite not being tied to a Monday to Friday work week I still struggle with Mondays. I continue to enjoy writing but this morning I could barely bring myself to look at the keyboard. I just felt so tired and my brain gave the impression of being stuffed with cotton wool. So instead of going to work right away I listened to a beta track to give my brain a kick start. It worked perfectly and even before the track had reached the end I was happily banging away on the keyboard. It turned out to be a reasonably productive morning.

Turning All My Music into Brain Entrainment

I recently downloaded a trial of a piece of software called Mind Stereo that allows me to add brain entrainment to any music track. The only problem is that most of my music has been bought from iTunes and it is not possible to import these tracks directly (there is a way to do it but it involves burning my iTunes tracks onto CD). It also works with internet radio and this works out good for me because I like to listen to ambient/new age music when I’m working. I only started experimenting with this product yesterday so I can’t really comment on its effectiveness yet.

Ending Addiction is About Gaining Happiness and Not Giving Things Up

In this video I discuss how recovery from addiction is not really about giving things up