Ila Golden's Blog, page 4

I’ve not really thought about it

I’m not really a foodie. There are things I can cook. Flavours I can experiment with, sure. But I don’t really think ‘Oh, I’d love to make…’, so I don’t really have an answer to this question. I can follow a recipe when needed, so if there’s something I’ve never cooked before, I can learn. That’s occurred a few times more recently. Since my partner moved in, and I had to start thinking about more than just keeping myself fed. But, usually, if there’s something that’s a bit more of a challenge, I’ve no objection to someone else making it. Restaurants and takeaways exist for a reason. Maybe it costs a little more, but at least someone else is getting paid.

Guessing the breed

‘Jay’s now thinking maybe you’re a small dog, like a Jack Russel,’ I smirked.

That made Arian pull a face, which caused Jay to start laughing, and I couldn’t help but laugh too. Arian made a few noises to that, like he didn’t appreciate the joke. For a moment I thought maybe we’d upset him, then he grinned and started making his new version of a laugh too. It was an odd sound to get used to, but it still meshed really well with mine and Jay’s, so I didn’t really care.

‘Oh, so you’re a great big dog then, are you?’ I pulled him into a headlock and rubbed my knuckles against his scalp.

Arian responded to this by nuzzling my hand and trying to lick me. I got the feeling that meant he didn’t totally understand the gesture anymore. There seemed to be a lot of things he didn’t totally understand right now, but that was okay, because even if he was still acting like a dog, he was acting like a dog who also happened to be Arian. So much of his personality shone through it was almost easy to forget this wasn’t how he always acted. I knew Jay felt the same way about it, even without discussing it with him. But, for some reason, nobody else seemed to agree with us. I guess with Zel still sick they were more preoccupied with that. But his fever was starting to come down now, and his breathing wasn’t anywhere near as bad sounding as it had been. I mean, I got it a little, Arian was different. Of course he was different, he’d been really sick with something that changed the way his brain thought. But interacting with him like this made it so easy for me to realise why my friends had never really struggled with all my memory issues. Because I was still me, just like Arian was still Arian. And maybe I didn’t always know exactly what he was saying, but I always knew it was him saying it, and my best friends were very easy for me to figure out.

‘Hey Sly, ask him if he’s a Great Dane,’ I could almost hear the grin in Jay’s voice.

‘Jay’s next guess is Great Dane,’ I relayed, ‘and he’s making the guess even though it’s supposed tuh be my turn,’ I poked my tongue out in the direction Jay’s voice had been coming from.

‘Well I figured since you were having a bath instead,’ he made an exaggerated noise I guessed was supposed tuh be him poking his tongue out back at me.

‘Yeah, whatever,’ I rolled my eyes, before turning my attention towards Arian, who was still licking my arm. ‘So, are you? A Great Dane?’

Arian stopped licking me, and made the noise he seemed to make when he meant no.

‘I’m really not sure how many other dog breeds I know,’ Jay sounded doubtful. ‘What about you?’

‘Have we said Dalmatian yet?’ My expression twisted thoughtfully.

‘Yeah,’ Jay’s response came at the same time as Arian’s yip for yes.

As Arian yipped, I couldn’t help but notice the way his gaze shifted towards Zel. He’d been doing that a lot, like he was keeping an eye on him. I couldn’t exactly blame him for being worried about how sick the person he loved was right now. I knew I would be if I were in his shoes.

‘What about a Golden Retriever,’ I made my next guess, ‘Pots was a Golden Retriever?’

Arian made his no noise again, and then shot me an odd look.

‘That’s the third time you’ve mentioned Pots,’ Jay laughed.

‘It is?’ I frowned.

‘Yeah, and for a dog you barely remember, you sure seem tuh miss him a lot right now? Hey maybe you just want Rye tuh be your replacement Pots.’

‘Don’t be stupid,’ I rolled my eyes, ‘my brain is probably doing a stupid or something.’

‘Isn’t it always,’ I could hear Jay’s amused smirk. ‘Okay, so that was two guesses for you…’

‘How was it two guesses if I’ve already said both of them before?’

‘Coz it’s not my fault you can’t remember what’s been said already,’ the amused tones remained. ‘Plus Rye can’t interact with me anymore, so by default all the guesses are kinda yours.’

‘Uh… yeah… I guess,’ I shot a sympathetic look in what I hoped was his direction.

‘Okay, well, if we’re both kinda outa ideas, ask him if he can give us a clue.’

‘Uh… mm, right,’ I turned towards Arian. ‘Jay wants a clue.’

Arian tilted his head thoughtfully for a few moments, and I got the feeling he wasn’t exactly sure how to get a clue across. Then something seemed to occur to him, which made him jumped down from the bed, and look as though he was searching for something. When he came to a stop in the area Jay’s voice was coming from, he used one hand to make a pawing motion at the air, and then barked twice. For a long couple of seconds it really confused me, then an idea kind of filtered through my brain.

‘So… you’re the kinda dog that finds lost things?’

Arian kind of yipped at that, and I could tell from his expression that I was close, but not exactly right.

‘So you don’t find things… you find people?’

There it was, a more definite yip, and he wiggled happily.

‘What kinda big dog finds people?’ Jay sounded more than thoughtful.

‘Um… I’m not sure…’

‘Not sure about what?’ Mathew’s voice sounded from the doorway behind me.

‘What kinda big dog is good at finding people,’ I turned towards him.

‘Saint Bernard,’ my eldest brother shrugged.

As soon as he said it Arian yipped again, then gave several happy barks, and bounced around like he thought it was a really good thing. Watching him I couldn’t help but think about how natural the movements looked, and just how well he could get his body to move in a really good facsimile of a dog. And, not for the first time, I got the very certain feeling if I tried to imitate his movements I would seriously fail, because watching him made me feel as though his brain wasn’t the only thing which had altered, his body had too. The second I thought it though, I got this vague memory of mentioning it to someone, and getting told that it wasn’t possible for their bodies to have changed, which left me feeling oddly deflated.

‘Do you think he deliberately chose the biggest dog breed he can think of, coz little dogs always think they’re bigger than they are?’ I could hear the way Jay must have been smirking.

‘No, I don’t think he chose it, or at least not in the way you’re thinking,’ I shook my head. ‘But his gift is all about finding people, and Saint Bernards find and rescue people, so it makes sense.’

‘Oh my god, do you think this means Zel’s a dog obsessed with colour?’ He laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.

‘I don’t think dogs can be obsessed with colour. But it’s probably the same as Rye, coz of their connection,’ I mulled it over for a moment, then focused my gaze on Arian. ‘It’s the same, right? You and Zel are both the same kinda dog, aren’t you?’

Arian made the noise for no, then looked amused as he crouched himself down a little.

‘He’s a smaller dog?’

An instant yip, followed by another amused look, and his new style of laughter.

‘Do you think he thinks it’s funny coz on some level he remembers he’s shorter than Zel, or…?’

‘Okay Sly, we have tuh go now,’ Mathew cut Jay off, which I guessed had to be coincidental since Mathew couldn’t actually hear Jay.

‘Uh… but…’ I turned towards my brother again.

‘Sly you need tuh be at the treatment centre in less than an hour,’ now my brother was cutting me off. ‘So get your stuff together and get going already.’

For a moment I stared kind of helplessly at him, then I checked the time, and sighed. He was right. Getting up, I grabbed the bag Leo had brought my stuff in and began shoving my things into it. Almost as soon as I started Arian whined. Then he grabbed the bottom of my bag with his mouth and pulled it cleanly out of my hands. For a moment I felt a little confused by how easily he’d managed to do that, then remembered the shortest of my friends was also currently by far the strongest.

As soon as he had the bag, he dropped it to the ground, and laid down on it. His gaze then lifted up towards me. His eyes large and pleading. He whined again.

‘Hey, it’s okay, I’ll be back, promise,’ I crouched down in front of him, and placed a hand on his head. ‘But I gotta go now so I can get the medicine I need tuh kill off the stupid,’ I pointed to the side of my head. ‘I know you remember about the stupid, and you want me tuh get better, right?’

He made this noise, like he knew the answer was yes, but still really didn’t want me to go.

‘Seriously Arian, it’ll be okay, I’m not going away forever. I will be back soon. I mean, I dunno exactly when,’ I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. ‘But as soon as I can, I will be back, I promise.’

He made concerned noises, then sighed, and got off of my bag. Almost as soon as he had, he jumped himself onto the bed, in another movement I felt would have been impossible for me to imitate, crawled over to where Zel was lying, and sat down beside him. Then he whined again and stared at me.

‘Don’t be a wally, of course I’m gonna say goodbye tuh him too,’ I playfully rolled my eyes, as I finished gathering my things together. ‘And, hopefully, when I’m back next his fever will have passed, and we’ll all be able tuh play together.’

That made Arian look pretty happy, and he wiggled a little, which I was beginning to feel was the equivalent of tail wagging. Swinging my bag onto my back, I sat down on the bed next to him, pulled him into a headlock, and rubbed my knuckles against his scalp. Arian instantly tried licking me again. That caused Mathew to make an odd kind of noise of his own. I ignored it though. This was the first time he’d seen my friends like this, so it was all probably coming as a bit of a shock.

Letting go of Arian, I turned my attention towards Zel. He still looked pretty sick, and I really didn’t want to leave without knowing for sure he was going to be okay, but I knew it wasn’t my choice.

‘You better be better when I come back,’ I gently stroked his hair, receiving quiet noises, and half-conscious nuzzling for my efforts.

‘Hey, say goodbye tuh them for me too,’ Jay’s voice sounded from over my shoulder.

‘Why, where are you going?’ I frowned, kind of disappointed he wasn’t going to stay and watch over our friends.

‘Where’s who going?’ Mathew’s voice was a little tight.

‘Jay,’ I glanced towards him.

‘He’s not planning tuh come with us, is he? Coz I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ I didn’t like the look on Mathew’s face when he said that.

‘Tell him no, that I’m planning tuh stay here, but Rye can’t hear me, and Zel’s not conscious right now,’ I could hear the tone in Jay’s voice. ‘And even if he were there’s no guarantee he’d understand me. Coz… you know… there’s no guarantee dog-Zel can read. I want you tuh say goodbye tuh them for me so it’s been said, so that when I go off tuh see Roxy, or check up on my daughter later I don’t feel so bad about leaving.’

‘Jay says he’s staying here for a while,’ I translated. ‘But since he can’t talk tuh Zel or Arian right now, he just feels like I should say goodbye for him whilst there’s someone around who can, that’s all.’

‘Okay, good, do that for him, then we really gotta go Sly,’ Mathew shifted impatiently.

‘What exactly would be the problem if he did wanna come with us?’

‘Sly…?’

‘No, I wanna know,’ I folded my arms stubbornly. ‘Do you have some kinda problem with Jay?’

‘We don’t have time for this. Just say your goodbyes or whatever, and get going already.’

‘No, I…’

‘Just… just do what he… he says Sly,’ Jay’s voice had that shrinking edge to it, it got whenever anyone started sounding even remotely angry. ‘It… it’s okay. I… I get it. Just… just say goodbye for me, and… and go with your brother, okay? Your… your treatment is… is more important than this.’

‘Okay,’ I sighed in defeat, and obeyed.

Extract from We Giants, by Ila Golden

Anything I’m focused on

Which activities make you lose track of time?

There’s no one activity which makes me loose track of time. It all depends on how focused on the task I am. How much fun I’m having.

Messy feelings

 Sighing heavily I closed the notebook, and shifted with the same level of discomfort I’d felt every time I’d finished reading them since I’d added my own words. Had I done the right thing? My grandfather was a psychologist, so I knew from him there was no clear-cut answer to that one. But that didn’t stop me wishing that there was.

For a moment I drummed my fingers against the cover of the one I was holding, before sighing again, and returning it to its correct place in the pile. In a moment or two I would take all five of them to the small, decorative keepsake box I kept them in, and try to put them out of my mind for a week or two. Maybe longer. I mean, I used to be able to go longer than that, didn’t I? In fact I was pretty certain there was once this whole year where I’d managed not to feel the need to even look at them at all. Had adding my own words changed that somehow? I didn’t want to think about it that way. So maybe this was what… guilt over writing in something I should have held sacred?

My Uncle Arian would probably tell me that was an unfair way of looking at it. That the best way to honour the things passed down to us was to use them. And he would know. I mean, maybe he couldn’t exactly remember what it was like growing up without a dad around, but the flute he played, and the watch he wore both belonged to the man he’d never known. The watch itself even had this scratch on the face of it, because his dad had been wearing it the day he’d died. The damage was from the crash itself, and should have been this cold kind of reminder that life can suddenly stop without warning. But to my Uncle Arian it was this piece of his father he could hold in his hands. It was real. Touchable. Tangible. It didn’t belong locked away in some box, or behind some glass. It deserved to be on his wrist. Just like the flute deserved to be played.

It was a sentiment I wanted more than anything to share, because my Dad’s life had stopped without warning too. One week short of his seventeenth birthday. Murdered by the abusive monster he’d lived with. The one in some other version of reality I might have called my grandfather. Now though he didn’t deserve to be called anything. He didn’t even deserve to be thought about, which made me really glad he was dead so that most of the time I didn’t have to.

Unfortunately right now wasn’t most of the time. Right now was the exact kind of time I usually found myself thinking about him. It was hard not to after reading my Dad’s words, and knowing what that so-called man had put him through. It made my blood boil just thinking about it. I hated him. I hated him for taking my Dad away before he even had a chance to know I existed. I hated him for robbing me of someone so important. But he had. He had, and it wasn’t fair.

Blinking tears back from my eyes, I forced myself to my feet. Picking up the notebooks, I moved into my bedroom so I could put them away. I then spent a few long moments taking some deep, calming breaths in and out. I didn’t like getting worked up like this, but I couldn’t help it. It was like there was this raw wound inside of me that wouldn’t go away. And I’d been picking at it so much the last few months it was a wonder I’d been able to graduate.

Extract from LJ (What Makes Me series), by Ila Golden

How old are you?

Roxy bounced with energy. I liked that. I liked watching her. You could tell she was Jay’s little sister. Not because of the hair. For a start Roxy was blonde, not ginger. But because they had that same energy. And that energy was infectious. With Jay it was his hyena-like laugh that would get you going. With Roxy it was everything else. It was part of what made her the perfect little sister. And she was in a good mood today. Something to do with her little sister, and Mikey, and Tilly. When she arrived she started off mentioning something to do with them getting Tammy to really play with them. Something she said I’d seen too, but I didn’t remember it. I didn’t tell her that though, because I was so enthralled by her happiness.

‘Nana says at her next appointment, she wants tuh rub it into all the doctors faces, that they got it wrong, again,’ she grinned, as she finally stopped moving around excitedly, and came to sit on the bed beside me. ‘I so wish I could be there for that, but mum’s worried the doctors won’t help us if they think we’re trying tuh wind them up, or whatever. I mean, they barely try tuh help Tammy anymore as is, so I don’t see what difference it would make, but I also kinda get why mum’s worried. It is just copying, there’s no proof Tammy’s actually communicating with us, even if it looks that way. And what if we say the wrong thing, and they take Tammy off her meds, and she has a seizure, and…’ she shook her head, her energy tapering off into something else. ‘Am I being stupid, for wanting tuh believe maybe… just maybe… she could actually, maybe start talking one day, or go tuh school, or… I dunno. I just… I want more for her than this.’

‘I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it,’ I shot her a reassuring look. ‘You just want your sister tuh be happy, right?’

‘Right,’ she smiled back at me, but her energy remained in the new, dampened state. ‘But… I dunno… is it selfish of me tuh think she could only be happy if she was just like everybody else? I used tuh think that was important. That that was the only way. But since meeting Tilly…’ she sighed. ‘I mean, I get that she has her moments, but she’s kinda amazing too. And I think if Tammy were even just a little bit like her, that maybe it would be enough. Coz I don’t think my baby sister is all that sad right now, and that maybe the problem is that I think she should be.’

Her energy dampened a little more. Seeing it felt almost heart breaking. Roxy wasn’t someone who I ever wanted to see crying, yet I got this weird feeling I had, more than once. I pulled her into a hug, then surprised myself by kissing her. Why had I done that? My insides became a muddled mess, as my head worried frantically, whilst my heart told me I hadn’t done anything wrong. When Roxy kissed me back, my heart moved in this way that felt a little like it was telling me I told you so.

For, I don’t know how long, Roxy and I exchanged kisses. The more we did, the more I relaxed about it. Even if my head was worrying about why I was doing this, everything else told me it was okay. And not just that it was okay. That it was safe, and familiar too. So, eventually, my head stopped worrying, and started trying to figure out what it was Roxy’s lips tasted like. It was something sweet, like cherries, or…

Roxy’s hands suddenly found their way under the back of my top, lightly brushing against my skin. I pulled back. I wasn’t sure what shocked me more, the fact Roxy had done it, or the way it made me feel when she did. My body had tingled, and it wasn’t unpleasant, but it made me want to do things, things I didn’t think we should be doing. My cheeks rushed hot with embarrassment, as I realised now that the thoughts were there my brain didn’t want to let go of them. But I wasn’t supposed to think about Roxy that way. Roxy was Jay’s innocent little sister. She wasn’t…

‘Sly…’ Roxy forced my name out in this heavily uncertain way, ‘how… how old are you?’

‘I’m eight,’ I stared at her, feeling like I had to give her the answer, even if I wasn’t sure why she was asking.

‘Right,’ she let out this breath. ‘So am I three, or four?’

‘You dunno how old you are?’ I frowned. ‘How can you not know how old you are? Are you okay?’ I suddenly felt concerned she might be really sick and placed my hand against her forehead. ‘Do you need tuh lie down?’

‘Oh Sly,’ she laughed, the concern that had been on her face rolling back into deep affection.

‘What? What did I say?’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ she leant towards me, in order to kiss me again. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were eight. When you kissed me…’ she shook her head. ‘It can be kinda confusing, you know.’

‘Mm,’ I nodded, feeling like I knew what she meant, even though I really wasn’t sure. ‘I liked kissing you though.’

‘I like kissing you too,’ as if to emphasise her point, she kissed me again. ‘And, if it’s okay, I’d like tuh kiss you some more.’

‘I’d like that,’ as I said the words my heart rushed with happy heartbeats. ‘But… won’t it make Jay kinda mad? I mean, I wanna kiss you some more, I really do, but what if Jay finds out, and stops being my friend coz of it.’

Roxy’s expression crinkled with several emotions, then she sighed, and shifted her gaze away.

‘I don’t think Jay’ll find out Sly,’ her voice was more than muted. ‘I don’t think he can. But, if he somehow did, I wanna believe he’d be okay with it.’

‘I wanna believe that too,’ I took hold of her hand, and studied the way it looked when I held it. ‘But I think maybe I wanna believe that coz I just wanna kiss you again. Your lips are warm, and soft, and I like the way they taste. And I like the way it feels when I kiss you. But wanting it tuh be okay, doesn’t mean it is.’

‘You’re right, it doesn’t,’ she moved her other hand, the one I wasn’t holding, to the side of my head, and began moving her thumb gently against my skin.

The second she did that I became painfully aware of something. I moved first one hand, then the other up towards my head. My breaths trembled, as I got down from the bed we were on and made my way to the bathroom. Once there I stared into the mirror at someone I didn’t even recognise.

‘Sly…’ Roxy’s voice sounded from the doorway.

I glanced towards her. She was anxiously biting her lower lip, her eyes wide with genuine concern. She took several steps towards me, her reflection appearing in the mirror beside mine as this beautiful little angel, whilst I was a gaunt and hollow giant. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and started crying.

‘Sly,’ after a moment Roxy sat down, and wrapped her arms around me.

I buried myself against her, needing every inch of comfort she could give me, as I continued to cry. What happened? Where had my life gone?

‘It’s okay,’ Roxy’s voice was soft as she began stroking my hair. ‘It’s okay, I’m here, and I love you.’

‘How? How can you say that?’ I sniffed, not wanting to let go of her, but not sure if I should believe her either. ‘How can you love me? How can you love someone who’s dying?’

‘You’re not dying Sly, you’re fighting,’ her voice was emotional, but firm. ‘And even if you were, it wouldn’t stop me from loving you. Coz even like this, you still worry about other people first. You still wanna help everyone in whatever way you can. You’re still funny, and you make me laugh. And you listen, and you care, and a whole bunch of other stuff that makes me love you even more.’

I pulled back from her enough to be able to stare into her eyes. My heart felt like it was overloaded with painful emotions. I placed my hand on her cheek and used my thumb to wipe away the tears. Then I kissed her, and wished it was enough to make everything better.

‘I love you too,’ I sniffed again once the kiss was over. ‘I love you a stupid amount. Even if it’s not okay. Even if it makes Jay mad, I don’t care. I love you. I love you. I love you.’

‘I know you do Sly,’ she gazed lovingly into my eyes.

‘We… we should probably go back into my room now,’ I lowered my gaze. ‘I… I’m sorry…’

‘For what?’

‘For getting upset, and…’

‘You’re allowed,’ she cut me off. ‘But, you’re right, we should go back into your room now, and we can cuddle for a bit, if you like.’

‘Yeah,’ I nodded shakily, ‘thanks.’

This affectionate smile pulled at her lips, as we got to our feet, and headed back into my room. And, as we lay down on my bed in each other’s arms, I felt like this one thing… being with her… made everything just a little bit better.

Extract from We Giants, by Ila Golden

Security

Life is a journey all on it’s own. With it’s own twists and turns. Things will happen, no matter who you are, or what you do, things will still happen. There’s no need to seek out additional adventure. Not for me at least. The twists and turns of the ordinary are enough for me. Give me comfort. Give me security. Give me stability. That is all I need to feel fulfilled.

A simple answer

Family and friends. Not necessarily all of them, all at once. But I don’t really celebrity worship. I’m not someone who wants to rub shoulders with the elite. If I’m having a dinner party or whatever, then I want it to be filled with those I care about. Those I know. Those who I consider family. And yes, I consider friends to be family. Just a simple evening with connection, shared history, and good conversation.It might be a boring answer, but it is an honest one.

The wisdom to know aging isn’t to be feared

The older I get, the more I enjoy living. The more rich my life becomes. The more experiences I’ve had which colours that life. Getting older isn’t to be feared. Getting older is the adventure.

‘Sleeping’ 9-5

What time do you go to bed and wake up currently?

So pretty much go to bed 9ish and get up 5ish. The sleeping part is a little harder to determine, since I’m always tired. But with some fluidity that’s pretty much my routine.

This feels safe

There was a gentle tap on my bedroom door, which then opened before I had a chance to respond. Some teenagers might have found that annoying, but I didn’t mind it too much. It wasn’t like I was getting up to anything I wouldn’t want my parents knowing about most of the time anyway.

‘Hey kiddo, how’s the homework going?’

I turned to see my Dad standing in the doorway.

‘It’ll cost you a tenner,’ I smirked.

‘Who said I was here for a favour?’ He cocked an eyebrow.

‘You only ever call me kiddo when you want something,’ I shrugged. ‘So, whatever it is, it’ll cost you a tenner.’

‘You know you could just do it for nothing, right?’ He moved into the room, and took a seat beside me on the bed. ‘That’s kind of why they call it a favour.’

‘Right, I could,’ I nodded. ‘Or, in exchange for doing the favour, you could return it with a tenner.’

Dad responded to this by trying to shoot me a serious look, but it was twisted with too much amusement to work. He was a lot better now at keeping me under control than he had been, but Dad had always been a bit of a soft touch. Partly because his first experience raising a child was with Tomas, and, between Tomas’s learning difficulties, and all the ways he’d reminded Dad of his dead sister, a strict disciplinary my Dad just could not be. But that was okay, because I’d rather have a loving Dad who could just about keep me in line, than a strict one who didn’t care about me.

‘Why do you always beg for money,’ Dad’s voice reflected the serious but amused expression on his face. ‘Are you trying to say your allowance isn’t enough?’

‘Money is a people thing,’ I shifted, ‘and you’re asking me for a people favour, so I should ask for a people thing in return.’

‘Oh Ro, is that really how you think?’ His expression crinkled with concern.

‘It’s harder being people, so I kind of have to,’ I shrugged. ‘But, it’s okay, money can buy things. And I like having things,’ I indicated around my mess of a room.

‘Especially shoes, right,’ his voice toned in a teasing kind of way. ‘Which kind of brings me on to why I’m here. Your Mum seems to think you’ve been buying shoes behind our backs again.’

‘Uh… um… what… what makes her think that,’ I averted my gaze.

‘Because you’re not as good at hiding them as you think you are,’ he reached underneath my bed, and instantly pulled out one of the pairs I’d been keeping there. ‘Ro you really don’t need this many pairs of shoes. You don’t even wear half of them.’

‘Yeah I do,’ I grinned. ‘Over the Christmas I wore a different pair every single day. It’s not my fault if you didn’t notice.’

‘Ro,’ there was a genuinely warning tone in his voice this time.

‘Okay, I’ll sort through them, and donate some spares to Toby,’ I rolled my eyes.

‘Clove could probably do with a few too,’ Dad prompted. ‘Since I know he’s just had another growth spirt.’

‘Yeah, okay, sure, I’ll make two piles. Ones I think Toby will like, and ones Clove can have,’ I shrugged. ‘I’ll do it after school tomorrow.’

‘Thank you,’ he gave me an appreciative nod. ‘But since it’s not technically a favour, you’re not getting that tenner. Especially since I already know exactly what you’d be spending it on, which would kind of defeat the purpose.’ He got up. ‘Now, I’ll let you finish your homework.’

‘Sure,’ I watched him make his way towards the door, and he was almost there when other words half forced their way out of me. ‘Um… Dad.’

‘What is it Ro?’ My voice made him stop and glance back in my direction.

‘Um… do you… do you think the same thing that happened with my SATS will happen with my mocks too?’ After holding off on this question all weekend, I suddenly felt like it couldn’t wait any longer. ‘I mean, I kind of think that it might, because Mr Jones made us do some practice questions on Thursday, and… even though we had the entire lesson time to do it, I still didn’t answer a single one. And I… I mean… Dad what… what if I’m not people enough to pass my GCSEs? That’s going to mean I’m not going to be able to do sixth form, or college, or uni, isn’t it? What if I can’t get a job? Dad what if I’m more dog than people? I don’t… I don’t want to be unfunctioning. Dad what if I become unfunctioning? What am I supposed to do?’

As I spoke Dad made his way back towards me, and pulled me into a hug.

‘We won’t let that happen Ro, I promise,’ his voice was gentle. ‘And we can figure everything else out. It’s what this family is really good at, in case you hadn’t noticed. No one is going to just let things go that way. Least of all your mother and I.’

‘Yeah, okay,’ I nuzzled him a little.

‘Hey, maybe it’s something you can ask this Dr Mahogany about when you see her Tuesday,’ he began gently stroking my hair. ‘See if she’s got any ideas about handling your exam nerves. Or maybe even just some tricks to help you read when you have dog brain. I mean, that might help, right?’

‘Maybe,’ I tried really hard not to speak in dog, since homework time was supposed to be people time.

‘I really wish this was easier for you Rowan,’ he continued to pet me soothingly. ‘But we have to work with the hand we’ve been dealt. And, unfortunately for you, that also means dealing with your own kind of exam stress. But you’re a smart kid. Much smarter than your old man ever was. So I know, whatever happens, you’ll be fine.’

‘Thanks Dad,’ I nuzzled him some more. ‘This feels safe.’

I half expected to be told off for not using people words. But he just sighed, and kissed the top of my head in the way Dad only did when it was dog time. Since I was pretty sure I wasn’t being let off doing the rest of my homework, that could only mean Dad was worried about me. Well he wasn’t the only one. And, as my gaze turned back towards the mess of books spread across my bed, I couldn’t help but feel really daunted by my very uncertain future.

Extract from (What Makes Me) Rowan, by Ila Golden