Ila Golden's Blog, page 3

Human

Weird. Highly introverted. I can act like someone who knows how to make conversation, but only because I’ve had a lot of practice at it. Even then I’ll be the one making odd jokes that no one fully understands.

Quiet, because I lost the ability to project my voice when my costochondritis turned chronic.

Always tired – thanks to the so-called insomnia I believe is more likely restless legs, but, you know, the GP stopped listening at trouble sleeping.

Imaginative. I am a writer after all. My brain is very good at coming up with ideas. I enjoy being imaginative. And writing. And editing. I like the process.

Dedicated and loyal. Hard working, but not always good at recognising when I need to rest.

Thoughtful and cute. A good listener. Reliable.

Snappy and moody as hell sometimes. Stubborn. Argumentative. All of which I’m working on.

Modest, maybe. I don’t like focusing the attention on myself. That’s why I find marketing my own books so hard.

I also don’t like focusing on myself for things like this, so…

Dinosaur are cool…

If you could bring back one dinosaur, which one would it be?

… But I’ve seen Jurassic Park, bringing them back does not end well.

Probably to see my brothers, and their families

If you won two free plane tickets, where would you go?

Both of my brothers are now living in the same part of England, which is a long car journey, bus ride, or train journey, from where I am, no matter what you do. Even the flight would require travel to the nearest airport first. But it would still be the quickest option to spend a weekend visiting my nieces.

The story behind my penname

What’s the story behind your nickname?

I’ve never had a real nickname. The closest  thing I had was a reference to a bad joke. Not even that if I’m honest. I L A. I love Ash. A pokemon reference. It became Ila the first time anyone called me, using my penname. That is all. Lol

Exercise and baths

What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?

For me, maintaining my health and well-being is the same as managing my chronic pain conditions. I know from experience how bad it can be living day to day with level 10 pain. No respite. No relief. No real help from the medical system. That experience is deviating to your well-being. And every flare up. Every day when the pain or fatigue is higher than normal, flashes you back to that absolute worst pain. It hits you with all the same negative feelings. The same crushing feelings that this is your life. There’s no escape.

My pain management is daily exercise, weight maintenance, and regular baths. Is it a perfect system, no. It takes a lot of work and motivation. I’m still in pain everyday. I still get bad flare ups, and low moments. But the comparison is like night and day.

I’m grateful this works for me. I know not everyone with chronic conditions has found their best management solution.

Peace and love to all.

Future travel plans?

Travel becomes a lot harder when you’re locked into public transport. More expensive too. Depending on the method of travel, it can double the length of time taken to reach your destination. Sometimes it might be a good idea to break the travel up a little. Not do the whole thing in one go, but split it between a couple of days. Of course that means adding even more expense to the travel. But it might be worth it, if, like me, you don’t travel well to begin with. The thought of a journey lasting more than a couple of hours is daunting. The thought of an all day one even more so. Sometimes comfort over convenience must be considered.

Am I talking about a specific travel plan in this web of vagueness. Yes. Will I specify what it is? Not at this time. Perhaps after it has occurred. Trust me, there is a good reason.

Less hate, more compassion and understanding

What would you change about modern society?

Let’s for a moment forget the fact that ‘culture wars’ are used to distract from the real issues. That it benefits the rich to set everyone else against each other, so valuable resources stay out of reach.

Instead let’s focus on humanity. On respect. On humans creating communities where everyone has a seat at the table. Where all voices are heard equally. Where resources are provided based on needs and not wealth. Where the most vulnerable aren’t forgotten or abandoned. Where everyone has their basic needs – food, shelter, etc – met. Where we all work towards creating a sustainable and affordable future.

Kindness and compassion are free. Understanding and empathy are free. Humanity doesn’t have a price tag. Basic human rights are for everyone.

Work’s ‘radio’

What do you listen to while you work?

It’s usually a pretty consistent playlist. Especially over the Christmas period.

Chocolate

What’s your go-to comfort food?

Basic but good. Totally not a chocolate addict .>

A fun afternoon

I took the seat next to Sly, and Rye sat down opposite me, pulling the Cluedo box out of his bag and placing it down on the table.

‘Oh, hey, I played this with my friends in London,’ Taylora laughed. ‘We always used to roll a dice to decide which character we would play as,’ she pulled the lid off the box.

‘That’s not how we do it,’ Jay smirked, his colours moving with clear amusement, even if they were still pretty hard to read.

‘Then how do you do it?’

All three of my friends’ gazes shifted towards me, clearly waiting to see what I would do.

‘Jay’s always red,’ I began passing the character pieces out, ‘Sly’s green, Rye’s blue, and I’m purple.’

‘Just when you play Cluedo?’ She studied me for a moment, her colours clearly curious.

‘No, always.’

‘But not all games have all those colours.’

‘Yeah, but we either don’t play those, or Zel paints over whatever colour we don’t need with the one we do,’ Jay laughed in a way that made his colours dance. ‘You should see his Ludo.’

‘Okay…’ she raised an eyebrow. ‘Was that something you all decided when you were younger to make things fair, or…’

‘Zel decided that was how it was gonna be,’ Sly shrugged, colours as unbothered now as they’d always been, ‘we didn’t even notice at first.’

‘Sly was the last tuh notice,’ I smirked. ‘In fact he pretty much had tuh have it pointed out tuh him.’

‘I like green, so it didn’t register I was being handed that colour,’ he rolled his eyes. ‘But you got away with it for ages without anyone saying anything.’

‘What can I say,’ I laughed, ‘everyone has a colour.’

‘And mine would be?’ Taylora leant towards me, her colours moving like she found this whole thing fascinating.

‘Yellow,’ I didn’t even hesitate, handing the character piece over to her.

‘I should have guessed,’ she held up the coaster I’d given her. ‘So, why yellow?’

‘Coz it’s your colour,’ I made my tone playfully mysterious.

That was actually more for Rye’s benefit than hers. Just because I was waiting till I thought he would believe me before telling him about the things I could see, didn’t mean I didn’t want to give him clues. Unfortunately I don’t think he saw it that way, his colours first shifting with what I now recognised as jealousy, and then instantly becoming conflicted. Seriously if that was all it took to make someone think you were flirting with a person, it was surprising no one accused me of doing it with Rye, constantly. Then again no one was looking for it there, so…

‘I thought you might like some buns too,’ Mrs Page chose that moment to re-enter, carrying a tray. ‘I baked a batch this morning. Feel free to have as many as you like.’

She placed the tray down on the end of the table, taking the plate with the buns off of it and putting it next to me. She didn’t say anything or even look in my direction, but her colours moved in that way which let me know her choice was deliberate. Mrs Aries’s colours used to move like it too, till she got to know me better. And Mrs Guy’s colours still did, since she didn’t know me quite as well. It’s like they didn’t believe my parents actually fed me.

I was pretty certain my parents would be absolutely horrified by that thought, since they spent so much of their time and energy worrying about what I was eating. I didn’t have a huge appetite, I got full easily, and threw up if I ate too much, so it was hard for me to put on weight. It was one of those things I’d been to see more doctors than I could count about when I was little. It was why I knew my sense of taste was weird. And how the food groups worked. And what a meal plan was. And why my weight was monitored so constantly to make sure it remained healthy. No one, especially not my parents, was just letting me starve.

After the buns were placed on the table, she handed out the glasses, then left a pile of small plates, again beside me, before leaving the room. As soon as she left, Sly leant across in order to grab a plate and a couple of buns for himself. His appetite definitely rivalled Abby’s, but, unlike her, you could at least see why he ate so much. There were times where I could swear I was watching him grow taller by the second.

Once we were set up, the others all reached for plates and buns of their own. Which only made the fact I wasn’t taking any even more obvious, and was one of the major reasons I hated having the plate put next to me like this. I didn’t really eat snacks, because I usually didn’t finish whatever the next meal was if I did. After my parents figured that out, they pretty much drilled it into me to avoid them as much as possible, since an actual meal was almost definitely more beneficial. Grandma used to scoff at things like that, saying they were using it as an excuse to deny me having treats. She said I should be allowed to enjoy life, and not worry constantly about what was good for me.

Thinking about her made me feel a little sad for a moment. I hadn’t even considered having anything snack-like since she’d died. Picking up one of the buns, I carefully broke it in half, which was pretty easy considering they were fairly large rock-cakes, and placed one half on my plate. So who cared if I didn’t finish my lunch, it wasn’t as if my parents were around to complain. I broke off a small bit of the halved bun to try. It tasted like nostalgia.

‘Hey Jay, you remembered tuh bring a pack of cards, right?’ Sly was already halfway through his second bun, by the time my go was finished and we finally reached Rye’s first turn.

‘No, but nana has a set, hang on,’ Jay jumped up from the table and left the room.

‘We’ve barely started Cluedo,’ Taylora laughed, her colours singing with confusion, ‘couldn’t the cards wait?’

‘Not really,’ I smirked.

‘Why not?’

‘Coz we’re gonna be here a while,’ I pulled my sketch book out of my rucksack, and turned it to a blank page.

Opposite me, Rye was frowning in concentration, his colours making those adorable little thoughtful movements like always. He’d rolled a six, which would have been a great opening roll for anyone else. But for Rye it meant agonising over which direction he really wanted to take first, as if he’d be completely locked in otherwise. It was one of the reasons we always preferred him getting a low roll for his first two or three moves, just so the game was able to start at a slightly more reasonable pace.

‘Uh…’ Taylora blinked at me.

‘You’ll get used tuh it,’ I grinned, just as Jay returned with a pack of cards.

‘Do you prefer snap or pairs?’ Jay’s gaze focused on Taylora.

‘Um… pairs I guess,’ her colours moved like she was trying to figure out what was going on.

‘You wanna join us for a round?’ Sly leant across me for another bun.

‘No, I’m good,’ I lifted my pad for a moment.

He nodded and turned his attention to where Jay was setting up for their first round. Half-smirking to myself over Taylora’s still confused colours, I pulled out one of my pencils and began to sketch. Mrs Akroyd might not have been quite as good an art teacher as Susie was, but she’d given me some pretty good advice when it came to small group sketches. That’s what I was working on now, something I’d known coming in would be perfect for a day like today. Plus it didn’t hurt that it gave me an excuse to sit and watch Rye without anyone questioning it.

‘Are you alright Arian?’ Taylora glanced towards him after a long couple of minutes had passed.

‘He’s fine,’ I glanced up at her, ‘this is just what he does.’

‘Okay, I think I get it now,’ she laughed, and her colours finally lost that confused element. ‘Does he always play like this?’

‘There’s a reason we don’t play snap with him,’ Sly finished off his third bun.

‘Yeah, but if we played like him we might win more often,’ Jay laughed.

‘Zel don’t play that way and he still wins more than Rye does,’ he shook his head.

‘Yeah, that’s true, but it’s not like winning matters,’ he shrugged.

They returned to their game of pairs, and I glanced towards Rye for a moment. I could see that slight annoyed swirl in his colours he usually got when we talked about how long he was taking. It was like he thought we were doing it just to break his concentration or something. We weren’t. Obviously we weren’t. And I’m sure on some level he knew that. But anything that broke his concentration just made him take longer. So I just turned my attention back towards the rough framework I was making, and waited for it to be my turn again.

By the time we were halfway through the game, Taylora had pretty much relaxed into our way of doing things. It almost felt like she’d hung out with us like this all the time, and had done for years. In some ways I wondered if it had anything to do with that connection she’d forged with Jay. I still didn’t understand it. I wasn’t entirely convinced I was meant to. But if she was capable of saving him, even if it was just a slim, remote chance, then I was pretty much willing to accept anything that came with it.

‘Hey, that’s pretty good,’ Taylora leant over my shoulder, surprising me a little, since I hadn’t noticed her get up.

‘Thanks,’ I shrugged, ‘but I’m better at portraits.’

‘Do you draw a lot then?’

‘And paint,’ I nodded. ‘I prefer tuh paint, actually. I just feel like I can get things… right when I paint. Or at least closer tuh being right,’ for a moment my mind turned towards the artist’s pads in my cupboard.

‘Do you think maybe you’ll be an actual artist some day?’ Her colours moved with genuine admiration.

‘Yeah, that’s the plan,’ I grinned. ‘Of course I’ll be horribly poor and living in some run down studio somewhere, but it’ll be worth it.’

‘To do what you love most?’

‘Exactly.’

She studied my drawing for a few more moments.

‘It’s your turn Taylora,’ there was a slight cutting note in Rye’s voice.

Glancing up I noticed jealousy and confliction moving through his colours in equal waves. It made me wish there was some easy way I could convince him he didn’t have to worry about that. But short of telling him the truth, I really didn’t think anything I said or did would make a difference right now. I just had to hope he’d eventually work it out for himself.

‘You know Zel’s Aunt Zelda was an artist too,’ Jay’s eyes followed her as she moved back ‘round the table. ‘Our old form teacher wrote a book about her and everything.’

‘Ms Wright?’ Taylora frowned as she rolled the dice. ‘I heard she was fired because she was a lesbian. At least that’s what Mandeep told me. Is it true?’

‘That she was fired because Lucy’s dad’s a fucking homophobic wanker and so are the fucking dipshits who run Seers,’ I gritted my teeth. ‘Susie was an amazing teacher and…’

‘Susie?’ Rye cut me off.

It didn’t take me long to get used to calling people by certain names, so calling her Susie had come out of me without really thinking about it.

 ‘Ms Wright,’ I awkwardly corrected myself. ‘She… uh… she’s told me it’s okay for me tuh call her that, since she’s not our teacher anymore. And… uh… and I talk tuh her sometimes.’

 ‘Often?’ More jealous movements appeared in Rye’s colours.

‘Not loads,’ I averted my gaze, even though it wasn’t a complete lie, I mostly saw Abby and Tony. ‘But I know she’s working for the person who published the book on Aunt Zelda now,’ I hoped that sounded casual enough.

‘The one who was also a fan of your Aunt Zelda?’ Sly shot me a curious look.

Hearing one of my friends using that phrase when they had no idea what it meant, or at least meant to me, made me want to laugh. Instead I just allowed an amused smile to twitch at my lips.

‘Yeah, that’s the one.’

Opposite me Rye’s colours turned slowly, as if something were occurring to him. Then his eyes went wide, and he stared at me like he knew exactly what those words meant. I did my best to ignore him. Jay and Sly still didn’t know about Aunt Zelda. If it had just been the four of us it wouldn’t have mattered. But we didn’t really know Taylora. So, okay, maybe I thought there had to be something genuinely good and honest about her if I was trusting her with Jay, but… well… this was different.

‘You know I think I’m learning a lot of interesting things about the four of you today,’ Taylora laughed in a way that made her colours twist with intrigue.

‘So maybe it’s time we learnt a little more about you then,’ I teased. ‘Coz you’re the new girl, right?’

Extract from The Colours I See, by Ila Golden