Ila Golden's Blog, page 2

Not my blog, but my writing

What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?

I’m an author. I don’t expect my books to change the world. But I would like them to spark conversations. Conversations are important. They open the dialogue for empathy, growth and change.

But conversations can’t happen if no one knows your works exist. This blog is here to bridge the gap. I hope. I mean, it at least let’s people know I exist lol.

Magic and mayhem

Describe your life in an alternate universe.

I’m a fantasy writer for a reason. Of course I would love to live in a reality where fantasy levels of magic exists. Of course I would be one of those capable of magic. And of course things would mostly be mundane, but not always. And the meyhem would help either me or someone I know learn and grow.

Oh, and sometimes I’d get to be the hero. Because who doesn’t want to be the hero sometimes?

I don’t remember

What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on a meal? Was it worth it?

If I’m out for a meal I’m usually checking prices before ordering things. If I’m paying for myself, I usually keep things within my budget for the night, including any starters or desserts. I don’t usually remember much about what I’ve eaten. So…

30 things that make me happy

List 30 things that make you happy.

30 Cadbury Creme Eggs

Eating chocolate

Describe one habit that brings you joy.

No one said it had to be a good habit.

Are they werewolves?

I’d taken the bus to Exeter, so I’d caught one back again. Because, even though Arian had said he didn’t mind driving me around, I still wanted to feel as though I wasn’t taking advantage. Especially since they were rather generously giving me a small allowance which wasn’t really being spent on anything else right now. So when I arrived back at the cottage to see someone else’s car parked in the driveway, I got more than a little worried I’d taken a wrong turn somewhere.

I double checked my surroundings. Everything else looked the way it was supposed to. The only thing out of place was the car. Cautiously I made my way forward. That’s when I noticed the front door had been left a little ajar, like it had bounced back after being closed too quickly, and no one had noticed. That made my stomach knot even more than it already was. I’d been living with them for almost a month now, I knew exactly how careful they were with this kind of thing.

Arriving on the front doorstep I was able to hear voices coming from inside.

‘You’re just lucky I had my sister with me,’ an unfamiliar male voice was speaking. ‘What the hell were you thinking? Or, more to the point, what the hell were you running from?’

‘I thought it wasn’t your policy to ask questions,’ Silas’s voice, too tense to have even a note of her usual bubbliness in it.

‘It is when daughters of the Zodiac are involved,’ the male voice made a disgruntled noise. ‘Do you have any idea what your parents will do to me…?’

‘It were my fault,’ Lettie’s voice. ‘I overheard dad talking, and knew they thought they might have located Annie and Alice. Since we’re normally the ones who convince them tuh come home, I thought…. I mean… I mean, we just thought they’d run off again, we didn’t know…’

‘We didn’t tell you, because we didn’t want you getting involved,’ the man’s voice was sharp. ‘You don’t need an IQ of one hundred and fifty-nine to know if you’re not being told something, there’s probably a reason for it. It’s bad enough they have Annie and Alice, the last thing we need is for them to get you and Rose too.’

‘Yeah… I know…’

‘We’re pretty sure they didn’t see us though,’ Silas’s voice tried to sound more confident than I felt she actually was.

As they’d been talking, I’d snuck forward towards the living room, where I could hear their voices were coming from. Glancing in through the gap in the curtain I spotted a man with blond hair sat in one of the chairs, holding onto a squirming toddler who’s irises were apparently as white as her eyeballs, as was her hair. Guessing it was his voice I’d been hearing, I moved ‘round to the other side of the curtain to get a view of the rest of the room. My heart nearly stopped dead inside of me when I saw Xenia sprawled out across the floor. Over her crouched a woman, with the same white hair and eyes as the infant the man was holding. She had Xenia’s arm in her hands. An arm that was very clearly broken from the way the bone was protruding out of the skin. But, as I watched, the bone seemed to pull itself back into place again, the skin healing over the top leaving no trace of what had happened.

‘One more, then head,’ the woman’s voice had a weird gruffness to it. ‘Small one. Kay practice,’ she held her hands out in the direction the man was sitting.

I heard him give a heavy sigh, before he moved into view, passing the woman the infant, who she smothered in several kisses, before doing something with it I couldn’t really see.

‘Do you really have tuh tell our parents?’ The sound of Janey’s voice made me realise she had to be in there too. ‘You know this stuff makes my dad really uncomfortable.’

‘Your parents aren’t part of the Zodiac, so there’s no reason for me to deal with them,’ the man shot her a look. ‘But I also think you don’t need an IQ of one hundred and fifty-nine to know if I don’t tell them, your uncle will. You were seriously lucky it was my car you ran in front of. Although, knowing how things work, I doubt luck had anything to do with it.’

‘Thorn good Guardian,’ the white-haired woman spoke again. ‘Makes Thorn strong. Strong Thorn should not be lonely. Thorn should find mate. Have puppies for Kay play with.’

‘Heather we’ve been over this,’ the one now identified as Thorn pushed his glasses back up his nose, ‘my work is too important for me to waste time with any needless distractions. I’m trying to lay the groundwork for future generations to build a utopia with. That doesn’t happen without any effort.’

Those words made my insides buzz with a strange sense of realisation. If I thought his name sounded familiar when I’d first heard it, there was no doubt in my mind who this guy was now.

‘How make happy world with no puppies,’ the woman, Heather, shot him a look. ‘You find mate Thorn. Good mate. Worthy for Guardian. Make strong puppies. Puppies make happy world.’

The man rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything to that. After another moment Heather handed Thorn back the infant, before once again doing something to Xenia I couldn’t quite see. As she did I heard a car pulling into the driveway. Not wanting to get caught spying, I quietly snuck my way upstairs, hiding in my room, and waiting until the sound of voices let me know Zel and Arian were both home, and in the living room where everything appeared to be blowing up. They were making so much noise I had no problems sneaking back out of the house again.

Not really sure what I should do, I decided to go for a walk to clear my head. It felt as though I’d just been given a chasm of information and was still no closer to figuring anything out. No, that wasn’t true. I had literally just watched someone magically heal Xenia’s arm. That had really happened. I hadn’t imagined it. And I really wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel about that, but slowly in my head I began to re-evaluate a few things.

From what I could gather so far, Silas definitely had some magical power of her own, since she’d been able to alter my emotions, even if it was only temporarily. But what about the rest of the family? The phrase you’re being loud rolled its way through my head. Did that not mean what I thought it did? I let my mind go back to all the times it or something similar to it had been said. Pretty much all of those times I didn’t feel as though I’d been making a whole load of noise, and yet somehow Xenia had still heard me. So did she just have supernaturally good hearing, like some kind of animal? Or was it something else?

As I tried to come up with all the possibilities I could, my brain kept getting stuck on the dog collars and bowls. Were my unofficial foster family a pack of werewolves? It seemed about as likely as any other explanation I could come up with, if not more so given the weird details which made so much more sense with that context. They were werewolves, and that meant Rowan was probably one too, since he’d been able to communicate with Ludo, and hadn’t thought twice about licking Neil like an excited puppy just to make him laugh.

I stopped for a moment to rest against a low wall and ask myself if I was really okay with the idea of living with werewolves. I was weirdly certain I was. Especially after I remembered how I’d felt petting Xenia that morning. I smiled to myself in this self-assured way and wondered how long it would take for them to confirm whether or not that’s what they were to me. I got the feeling they would eventually. Or at least I hoped they would. That way I could let Xenia know it was fine with me. I didn’t care that she was a werewolf, like she clearly didn’t care I hadn’t always lived as Toby.

Taking a deep breath in, I began walking back towards the cottage. I didn’t want to force them into telling me, so I was hoping by the time I got there the situation would have sorted itself out. Then it would just be a matter of patience. Although I wasn’t exactly sure how patient I was going to need to be.

***

They all had their collars on again. After how badly injured Xenia had looked from what little I could see of her earlier, I couldn’t exactly blame them for needing a little family solidarity right now. If anything it made me appreciate them all even more than I already did.

As we sat down to eat, I did my best not to examine Xenia’s arms for any signs that her bone had been poking through one of them less than a few hours ago. I also did my best not to shudder at the image of it in my head. She was fine now, and that was the bit that really mattered, wasn’t it? I did, however, allow myself to wonder whether or not Heather’s gift worked on everybody, or did it only work on certain people. And did her having that gift have anything to do with why her irises were pure white? As I glanced around at the family sat at the table with me, something told me there had to be a connection there.

Silas had powers and her irises were all black. So were Zel’s, so that probably meant he had the same powers she did, right? Both Arian and Xenia had blue eyes, and they were different shades of blue too. Arian’s were a darker, murkier kind of colour, whereas Xenia’s were a much clearer blue, more like her grandma’s. But both were comparatively normal looking. Did that mean they didn’t have any powers? It was possible, wasn’t it? That weird eyes were an indication as to whether or not you had any additional powers.

Then again that Thorn guy had pretty normal looking green eyes, and, according to the book he’d written, he was supposed to be an aura seer. So did that mean it was a lot harder to tell whether or not someone had a power from just looking at their eyes? What exactly was I missing here? I mulled it over a little more. Maybe weird eyes were only an indication you had a power if you were a werewolf…

Almost as soon as I thought it, Xenia half choked on the mouthful of drink she was taking.

‘Are you alright… puppy?’ Arian shot her a concerned look.

‘Yeah,’ she did her best to recover, ‘I’m fine.’

‘What about you Toby?’ His gaze shifted towards me. ‘You’re… being really quiet. How were things… with Rowan’s friends?’

‘Um… yeah they were pretty good, I think,’ I smiled. ‘You know, especially considering he accidently came out to them.’

Zel cocked an eyebrow, and said something I was fairly certain was accidently?

‘Um… yeah, he found it a lot harder than he thought he would, and it just kind of… came out,’ I shrugged, really not sure what else I could say.

‘How did his… friends react?’ Arian’s expression became that of a concerned older brother.

‘They told him they didn’t care, and we just kept hanging out. They’re actually pretty cool.’

‘Good, that’s good,’ Arian sighed in relief. ‘Friends… are one of the most important… things you can have. And… a true friend will accept you… no matter what,’ as he spoke his gaze slid to the area by the archway that led into the main part of the kitchen.

My gaze followed, seeing nothing. At first I felt a little confused, then I remembered about his anxieties, and realised what he meant.

‘Neil’s that kind of friend,’ I shifted my gaze back towards him.

‘I can see that,’ Arian nodded. ‘Even if… he wasn’t gay, he… seems like the loyal type. A… lot of people can go a… long time without finding… one of those. Zel and I… got lucky with Jay and… Sly. And… from what I can… tell, you got pretty lucky… with Neil.’

‘Thanks,’ I smiled, then frowned. ‘Wait, one of your friends is called Sly?’

Zel laughed and said something I was pretty sure meant he was telling me Sly was just a nickname.

‘Okay, but… how did he get it?’ I studied him for a moment. ‘I mean, how does someone end up with Sly as a nickname?’

‘It was his… older brothers doing,’ Arian shrugged. ‘Something to… do with his lisp… I think,’ his expression crinkled with thought. ‘I… I’m not sure,’ his gaze twisted towards Zel, who’s expression was pulled into a frown.

‘Uh… right… sorry… I forgot you don’t have all the memories you should,’ I squirmed.

‘It’s okay,’ Arian shot me a reassuring look. ‘I told you… before, we try not… to let it bother us too… much. It’s much better to focus… on all the new… memories we can make.’

‘Yeah,’ I smiled, hoping it looked more relaxed than I felt.

Because I felt like I’d been totally insensitive. And what business was it of mine how their friend got his nickname? Almost as soon as I thought it, other thoughts stirred their way back into my head. Because I was looking for clues they really were werewolves, and having a friend named Sly had felt like a possible clue. After all sly was a word associated with wolves and foxes, wasn’t it? Or at least I thought it was. That’s why my brain had so quickly latched onto it. Because Sly sounded like a werewolf’s name.

Then I found my brain very quickly making other connections. Was the sickness Arian and Zel had tied to them being werewolves? Is that why their speech was so weird afterwards, because they got stuck speaking wolf, or dog, or whatever, and had to relearn everything again? Arian had said Zel had been affected by it a lot worse than he had, and half the time it really did sound like Zel was making dog noises. So maybe that really was what happened. And maybe he was so hard to understand now because he couldn’t tell the difference between human speech and wolf.

I didn’t know if that idea somehow made them more amazing or more tragic, so I found myself coming down somewhere in between. I then felt really pleased with myself for managing to work out another piece of the puzzle. I mean, okay I still didn’t know for certain if I was right about this, but the more I thought about it, the more the idea just seemed to work. They were werewolves, and Zel and Silas were both a special kind of werewolf which also had additional powers of some kind. And Xenia was a werewolf with extra sensitive hearing. Which probably meant my heartbeat was the thing she was finding too loud.

That made sense. My heart was certainly racing when she was kissing me this morning. It was probably really distracting for her, but I wasn’t totally sure what I could do about that. I couldn’t just make myself relax when she was the thing making my heart race, could I? I glanced towards her, just as she started laughing at something Zel had said. She was so pretty when she laughed. She was so pretty when she did just about anything. I really wanted to be able to kiss her again without worrying about how loud I was being. So I would figure out a way to make my heart race a little less, because I knew it would be worth it.

Extract from Toby (What Makes Me Series), by Ila Golden

A chance encounter

‘Do you think you could be a little less loud, you’re kinda distracting.’

The voice sounded so close to my ear I half jumped out of my skin. I quickly swivelled ‘round to find the girl with the olive skin right next to me. Despite the impatient look on her face, I couldn’t help but notice just how pretty she actually was. The same was true of the other girl once she’d turned the music off, and had come over to join us, even if I couldn’t quite get over the fact her irises were completely black. Seriously it was like her eyes were just large pupils surrounded by the whites or something.

‘He’s hungry, we should feed him,’ the black-eyed girl gave me this slow once over, as if doing so could tell her everything she needed to know about me.

‘No, I…’ my own sentence was cut off by a loud growl from my stomach.

‘Here,’ the olive-skinned girl moved quickly, grabbing a packet of crisps out of the bag next to the boom box, and offering it to me.

I went to protest, but my stomach really wouldn’t let me, since I’d been on the bread-and-butter punishment again for just over three weeks. That, along with the silent treatment, was my parents’ favourite way of keeping me in line. But it also meant I’d spent most of the last few weeks practically starving, and my body was clearly in no mood to let me forget it. Pulling myself out of what had been my hiding spot, I took the packet of crisps off her, then tried to figure out how to open them with just one hand.

‘Here,’ the olive-skinned girl took the packet back off me, opened it, then held onto the packet with the opening pointed in my direction.

‘Thanks,’ I shot her a weak but grateful smile.

‘I’m Xenia, by the way.’

‘As in the Warrior Princess?’ I cocked an amused eyebrow, as I shoved the first crisp into my mouth.

‘I was named after my great-grandmother, and daddy’s twin, actually,’ her voice was calm, like this wasn’t the first time she’d heard the joke.

‘Oh… okay,’ I tried not to comment on how weird it was to hear someone her age still using daddy.

Not that I knew exactly how old she was. But if I had to guess I’d have said she was pretty much the same age as me. That went for the other girl too, who had pulled a drink bottle out of the bag, unscrewed the lid, and was now offering it to me.

‘Thanks,’ I smiled, as I took the bottle off her, and down more of a mouthful than I’d intended.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ she took the bottle back from me once I was done, so that I could resume eating crisps.

‘So your name’s Toby, right?’ Xenia’s lips twitched into an amused smile.

‘What?’ I half choked in surprise.

She used her free hand to tap at something stuck to my hoody, before peeling it off, and turning it around to face me. It was the sticky name tag which read My name is Toby I’d gone home wearing yesterday evening. It was part of the reason I was out here now, with my right arm hurting like absolute hell. Part of the reason I was never ever going home again.

‘Um…’

‘You look like a Toby,’ the black-eyed girl cut me off before I could even think about explaining myself.

‘I do?’ I shot her a look; not entirely certain how serious she was being.

Neil had helped me cut my hair, and had let me borrow some of his clothes, so I knew exactly how I looked right now. But it still made me a lot happier than I had been when I’d arrived at his that evening, crying because I couldn’t take it anymore. It was moments like that… moments where he showed his unwavering loyalty and support, which made me remember exactly why I actually liked him more than I liked Ludo. He really was my best friend.

‘Of course silly,’ she giggled, ‘I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.’

‘Um…’

‘My name is Silas,’ she cut me off again. ‘I was named after my grandfather.’

‘Seriously?’ I couldn’t help but blink at her.

‘Mmhmm,’ she nodded, then went to shove the drinks bottle back into the bag. ‘You should come back to ours for a bit.’

‘What?’

‘Your arm’s hurt, right?’ Xenia tilted the packet she was holding, so I could get at the last remaining crisps.

‘Uh… yeah… but I… I mean, I can’t… It’s… uh… it’ll be fine.’

‘Liar,’ Silas’s voice had an almost singsong quality to it.

‘But I… I mean, I can’t…’

‘Don’t worry, we’re not gonna do anything to get you sent home,’ Xenia’s voice had this calming edge to it. ‘I mean, you are out here coz you’re scared of going home, right?’

‘I… uh… mm,’ I felt more than exposed.

‘Well if we promise we can get you help without you having to go home, will you come back to ours with us?’ By this time Silas had the bag on her back, and the boombox in her hands.

‘Uh… yeah, but I mean… how…?’

‘You’ll see,’ Xenia grinned mysteriously. ‘Come on.’

***

About ten minutes after leaving the woods, we arrived in front of a nice-looking cottage. It was the kind of place I always wished I’d lived in, because I’d always imagined them being more of a family home than the suburban prison where I’d grown up.

‘What time did they say they’d be back again?’ Silas eyed up the empty driveway.

‘It shouldn’t be too much longer,’ Xenia checked her watch, before getting out her keys, and opening the cottage door. ‘They only wanted to drop off Aunt Vicky’s birthday present before they left for their trip.’

‘I still can’t believe Drew and Daisy get to go to America,’ Silas pouted. ‘I wish I had an old crone I had to impress for a great-grandma.’

‘No you don’t,’ Xenia laughed, as she closed the front door behind us and drew a curtain over it. ‘So should we make the phone call, or should we wait for them to get home?’ She led the three of us straight through to the kitchen, which also opened out into a dining room area.

‘We should probably wait,’ Silas pulled out one of the chairs from around the dining room table and sat down, whilst using one of her feet to push something on the floor just enough under the table to be completely out of sight from where I was standing. ‘It’ll be easier for him to time it if he knows dad’s ready to leave.’

‘That’s true,’ Xenia pressed her lips together thoughtfully.

‘Um…’ I shot them both a nervous look, not really sure what I was supposed to do now.

‘We can make you a sandwich or something to eat whilst you wait,’ Xenia offered.

‘I… um…’

Before I could really think about which way I wanted to respond, I heard the front door open, which caused the curtain which had been pulled across it to pull back too. A minute or so after that two men entered the kitchen. There was about a head’s difference in height between them, with the taller of the two being really thin, and pale, with the same black hair and black eyes as Silas. The shorter one’s skin was a darker shade of olive to Xenia’s, but his eyes were a similar blue, and his hair the same thick brown, even if his was more on the curly side, and starting to grey a little in places. Both men also had near identical bracelets on their left wrists, consisting of a bunch of stones strung together on a thick piece of black cord. They clearly had a similar taste in clothing too, and there was a glint of a wedding ring on each of their ring fingers.

I instantly found myself wondering just what kind of set up I’d walked into here. Was this like a Full House situation, where they’d both lost their wives and had moved in together to help raise the girls? Did things like that happen in real life? I wasn’t sure. But since you could so easily match a dad to a daughter, it felt like a pretty likely solution to me right now.

‘Hello?’ The one who had to be Xenia’s dad eyed me up curiously.

‘Um… hi,’ I shifted uncomfortably, suddenly all too aware of the dirt which had stuck to my clothing both times I’d attempted to get a little sleep.

‘His arm’s broken, and he can’t go home,’ Silas half bounced in her chair.

‘Okay, I’ll give my… uncle a call,’ Xenia’s dad nodded, before disappearing out of the room.

As he did both girls moved to give the other man a group hug. He absolutely beamed at them, squeezing them both back like they were the most precious thing in the world. But that was also when I noticed the way he was wheezing. It wasn’t a really loud noise, but it was so strangely consistent I couldn’t help but wonder exactly what was wrong with his lungs. Once their hug was over, Silas’s dad lifted his eyes towards me. He smiled in this genuine way, but there was this slight tightness around the edges which almost felt like fear. He said nothing, and a few seconds later Xenia’s dad returned.

‘Okay, my uncle can get… you in and out of the… hospital without any… fuss,’ he shot me this tight look, the weird pauses in his speech pattern becoming more noticeable the more he talked. ‘Then we’ll pick you up… some clean clothes or… something. I think my mum said… she was sorting through… Rowan’s stuff since he’s… just had another growth… spirt.’

‘You mean he’ll be staying here?’ Xenia was in with the question before I had a chance to think.

‘For now,’ he nodded. ‘Do you mind… giving up your room puppy?’

‘I don’t mind,’ she gave a serious nod. ‘Me and Si can get it sorted whilst you’re gone.’

‘Thank you,’ he shot her a warm, fatherly smile, before turning his attention back towards me. ‘Are you ready?’

‘Um… yeah… I… I guess,’ I shifted nervously. ‘But… I mean… aren’t you breaking a whole bunch of laws and stuff here? Aren’t you supposed to report me to someone?’

‘Do you want me… to report you to… someone?’ He cocked an eyebrow.

‘Not really,’ I squirmed.

‘Then… don’t worry about it. Let… us help you.’

I nodded, before following him out of the cottage and into the blue convertible sitting on the driveway. The roof was already down, like he’d been expecting to use it again right away or something. A part of me wanted to ask, but more of me felt stupid for even thinking about it. Instead I let him help me into the car and do up the seatbelt in a way which stopped it from catching on my right arm, whilst it remained in the pocket of my borrowed hoodie.

‘I’m Arian,’ he settled into the seat next to me, and adjusted the review mirror.

‘A-Ryan?’ I couldn’t help but frown.

‘It’s like Orion but… with an A,’ his lips twitched into a slight smirk.

‘Um… okay. I’m… um… I’m Toby,’ I tried to make the words sound as natural as possible.

He nodded, pulled the car out of the driveway, and set off in the direction of the hospital. It didn’t take us long to get there, like he knew this secret really fast route or something. Once we had arrived, he helped me out of the car, and towards the entrance. Outside there was this orderly waiting with a wheelchair. When he spotted Arian he waved us over.

‘You know I just love dealing with your uncle, right?’

‘Sorry Marc,’ Arian shot him an apologetic look.

‘Yeah, well can you at least tell me why the kid needs all the secrecy,’ as he spoke to Arian, he indicated to me I should sit in the wheelchair.

‘He has… a broken arm and… can’t go home,’ Arian sighed, ‘do the… maths.’

Marc’s features tensed more than a little, like he had this very definite idea about what that meant. It made my insides shift uncomfortably; just what kind of situation did they think I was in? And… more to the point… was I the first person in a situation like this they’d had to deal with?

‘Well if I’m going to sneak him through x-ray, I’m going to need a name and stuff,’ Marc pushed me inside, and Arian fell into step beside us.

‘Okay, put his name… down as Toby Aries.’

‘Wow you’re really not taking any chances on this one,’ we paused outside of the elevators, so Marc could make a quick note on the clipboard he had with him. ‘Is it really that bad?’

‘Vicky seems to… think so,’ he nodded.

‘Okay Toby,’ Marc’s gaze twisted towards me, ‘date of birth please.’

‘Um… the first of October 1988.’

‘Oh hey, you’re only a couple of months older than the twins,’ he laughed. ‘You a school friend of theirs then?’

‘Twins?’ I stared at him in confusion.

‘He means my… daughters,’ Arian enlightened me.

‘Wait, they’re twins?’

‘It’s called superfecundation,’ Marc grinned. ‘Same mum, different dads. But, trust me, they’re definitely twins.’

‘Um… okay,’ now I felt really confused about the situation going on back at the cottage.

So were the two men in some kind of threesome with the twins’ mother? Was she still around? Or had the two men only found out about each other after she died? Would two men in that situation choose to help out the daughters of a woman who’d been cheating on them? Or was I missing something really obvious here?

I tried not to think too hard about it, as we moved away from the lift area, down a series of corridors. Since we hadn’t used any of the lifts, clearly our stop there had just been to fill in my paperwork.

‘So… is the barbeque still happening tomorrow, or are you going to take a rain check on that now?’ Marc glanced towards Arian.

‘No reason it shouldn’t,’ Arian shrugged. ‘Besides… I’ve already got the… veggie burgers and sausages in for… your sister.’

‘Ugh, she didn’t badger you about all that too, did she?’ He rolled his eyes. ‘Seriously, I think she’s probably about ready to start throwing blood at me just for enjoying my meat.’

‘Yes, well, meat is meant… to be enjoyed,’ Arian smirked more than a little.

‘That’s what I keep telling her, and…’ he hesitated, then shot the older man a look. ‘Seriously Arian? There’s a kid present.’

‘I know.’

At this point we arrived at x-ray. The nurse at the desk’s eyes lit up when she spotted Marc, and she instantly started flirting with him, as he tried to give her the information she needed. The nurse herself was pretty hot, so it surprised me a little when Marc just seemed awkward and uncomfortable with her flirting, like he didn’t really know what to do with it. Once I was signed in, I was pushed into the waiting room.

‘Will you be okay waiting here?’ Marc shot Arian an anxious look.

‘Um… yeah,’ Arian took a seat in one of the chairs which faced towards the window and set his expression more than a little.

‘Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow, tell Zel and the girls I said hey,’ he waved, before leaving, taking the chair I’d been using with him.

‘Are… are you okay?’ I studied Arian warily, realising just how little I knew about this man I was allowing to help me.

‘Um… yeah… it’s just… I have some… anxieties,’ he shot me a wary look of his own. ‘So hospitals are not… exactly my favourite places.’

‘I don’t think they’re mine either,’ I shifted edgily on my seat. ‘But I guess neither of us really have a choice about being here right now, huh?’

‘Mm,’ he nodded tensely.

‘So… um… is Aries your last name then?’

‘What?’ He looked confused for a moment. ‘Oh, yeah, kind of… I mean, it used to be… but now it’s Aries-Zendel.’

‘So the twins are… um… Silas and Xenia Aries-Zendel?’ I shifted a little, wanting to try and figure out the situation back at the cottage a little better. ‘And the… um…’

‘His name’s Zel,’ a smile pulled at Arian’s lips, as though thinking about him was the same as thinking about pure sunshine. ‘Zel… Aries-Zendel. He is… my everything.’

I let out this breath I felt like I’d been holding since the two men had entered the cottage. Then I screwed up every single ounce of courage I had, and…

‘You know I’m not…’

‘Maybe Toby wasn’t the… name you were born with,’ he cut me off. ‘But it… is who you really are… isn’t it?’

‘I…’

‘Being Toby is… why you can’t go… home, isn’t it?’ Arian shot me this serious look, like he already knew everything he needed to know about me.

‘Uh…?’ I blinked at him.

‘The signs knew… you were coming,’ he shot me this mysterious look, as he cut off my bewilderment. ‘And my… cousin can read the… signs.’

For a moment I found myself wondering whether or not he knew the exact reason I couldn’t go home. Something told me he probably didn’t. Something told me he was probably putting the pieces he had together and coming up with a story close enough to the truth to make sense. A story that probably would have been the whole truth for most people. That I’d just been rejected for being myself. In fact it was a story I would rather have been the whole truth, even if it was still a really shit truth, because at least then… at least then… at least then…

‘It will be okay,’ Arian cut off my quickly spiralling thoughts. ‘You’re… with friends now.’

Extract from Toby (What Makes Me Series), by Ila Golden

A description

How would you describe yourself to someone who can’t see you?

Short, ashy brown hair – used to be blind. Brown eyes, like the proper brown kind. Paleish skin – I tend to not go outside much. Dressed in red shorts and a pirate t-shirt.

Yeah, I think that’s good enough.

None that I’m aware of

What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?

As in, I’m not aware of any family traditions. As my extended family has grown, and evolved, certain things we did, like Boxing Day at my grandparents, weren’t possible anymore. So there were never any fixed traditions. Just a strong sense of family.

Yes… So far

Was today typical?

Today is a day where I’ll be out doing the day job. That is very typical. I do it four times a week.

This day has only just started though. And we’ve plans to build a bed tonight. So whether or not it will stay typical, we’ll have to wait and see.