Ila Golden's Blog, page 5

Starting the Golden-Jones Family

What are you most excited about for the future?

And everything that entails. Marriage. First child. First dog. We’ve already got the house with a garden. We’ll be seeing our first wedding venue soon. Step by step. Little by little. We’re building our future together.

For friendship

‘Oh huns, come here,’ Leo pulled us into a hug the second he spotted us. ‘I’m so proud of the two of you for making it. Me and my gorgeous boy have been really worried about you. This can’t be easy.’

‘It’s not,’ I shifted my gaze away. ‘But it’s something we have to do.’

‘I know hun,’ Leo pulled back from us, ‘just remember no one will blame you if you need to duck out a little early.’

‘Yeah, we know,’ Zel nodded, before focusing his attention on Stuart. ‘I thought the plan was for Sly tuh come with you guys.’

‘It was,’ Stuart pulled a face, ‘but I kinda had a bit of a falling out with the folks, and haven’t been back home for a few days.’

‘What kinda falling out,’ Zel’s eyes made those movements like he was closely studying Stuart’s colours.

‘Family stuff,’ he shrugged like he was trying to avoid follow up questions.

‘Tuh do with your grandma?’ Zel didn’t let up. ‘I know she’s been sick recently.’

‘Yeah she was,’ Stuart tensed.

‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ he shot him a sympathetic look. ‘I’d ask if you knew how Sly was taking it, but I guess since you haven’t been home for a few days you wouldn’t know.’

Stuart’s face filled with this oddly conflicted expression, like he was trying to figure out what to say next. Then he just shrugged, and shook his head.

‘Well isn’t this a rather miserable way of starting the day,’ Leo tried to laugh, but I could hear the tension in his voice. ‘And we’ve got some bits and bobs to set up, so we’ll see you boys later, okay?’ He grabbed hold of Stuart’s chair, and began pushing him away before any more conversation could occur.

‘Why do I get the feeling the conflict with his parents has something to do with Sly?’ I shot Zel a look once they were out of earshot.

‘Coz it’s almost too fucking obvious it is,’ Zel gave a heavy sigh.

‘What should we do?’

‘What can we do? We can’t make Stu tell us what’s going on,’ he shook his head. ‘But at least now we know why you couldn’t sense Sly here already.’

I squeezed his hand, and did my best to shoot him the most reassuring look possible. We then continued to pick our way through the crowd assisting with all the set up preparations in search of our other friends. There was less than an hour to go before the march started, and, even if we would never have chosen to be the figure heads for it, we were still determined to feel like we were truly involved.

‘Sick of the silly facial hair already Zelly?’ Tony laughed when he spotted us. ‘I figured you’d stick with it for a little longer. Although I have to say I definitely prefer you without it,’ he winked.

‘Actually we both probably would have preferred to stick with it a little longer,’ I rubbed the back of my neck. ‘In fact we’re both planning to go back to it once university starts again.’

‘So then why bother shaving it off?’ He cocked an eyebrow at us.

‘For Sly,’ Zel shrugged. ‘Whilst we’re able tuh see a lot of him, we want things to be as unconfusing as possible.’

‘Is it really that bad?’ Tony’s face filled with concern.

‘Yeah… I mean, a few weeks ago we joked with him about going back to our baby faced looks, not really thinking we would actually have to, and then the next time we saw him he asked us where we got the fake moustaches from, because he couldn’t remember being older than nine,’ I sighed, a part of me really hating the memory. ‘He got so distraught when he realised they weren’t fake, and that we were actually old enough to grow them…’

‘We’ve been trying so hard tuh make things as normal for him as possible,’ Zel shifted his gaze away. ‘The last thing we wanted tuh do was upset him like that. So we decided that a part of treating Sly like Sly, means easily looking like whatever age he thinks we’re supposed tuh be. That way he won’t know the difference, and, coz he won’t be asking us how we’re old enough tuh grow facial hair in the first place, we won’t know the difference either.’

‘What about… the two of you… being a couple?’ Tony studied us carefully. ‘I mean, has that caused any issues for him?’

‘Not that we’re really aware of. I mean, there’ve been a few times where he’s had to double check it’s something we’ve actually told him about, but other than that…’ I shrugged. ‘Although I can’t say it’s not something we’re worried about.’

‘It’s not in him tuh freak out about it though,’ Zel’s voice was calm and level. ‘He would just accept that’s how things were between us as long as it makes sense tuh him somehow. Coz that’s what he does, he just accepts things.’

‘Well I guess that’s something,’ Tony gave a sympathetic sounding sigh. ‘Still, I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor bloke. He’s a good kid, and nothing about this situation can be easy for him.’

‘Yeah, well hopefully he’ll be well enough tuh be here today, so you can see how he’s doing for yourself,’ Zel glanced around, before shooting a questioning look in my direction.

After a moment of using my gift to figure things out, I shook my head. Sly was still at home, like he had been when we’d arrived and made our beeline to where Stuart and Leo were. Mikey and Tilly were just arriving, and Roxy appeared to be walking back towards her own house. From the proximity the three of them had to each other, if I had to guess, I’d have said they’d just been talking. It was a little disappointing to know Roxy wasn’t going to stick around if Sly wasn’t, but then again she probably would just spend the whole time worrying about him anyway. Just thinking about it made me start to worry about Sly too. The thought of him waking up this morning too unwell or confused to join us… It felt majorly unfair, but there really wasn’t anything I could do about it.

Extract from No Doors Allowed, by Ila Golden

A good song is subjective

What is your favorite genre of music?

I don’t really have a definitive genre that I like. If a song sounds good to me I like it. I appreciate others like different things. And that’s okay. Music is there to speak for itself, seeking to find it’s own audience.

1st Holiday Together

We were the first to arrive at Drummer’s Farm. The owner of the farm and the converted cottages was waiting for us. Since he knew we were all related, and didn’t really want to hang around all day as we arrived in dribs and drabs, he quickly convinced Dad he should be responsible for all the keys and information packs. Although he did give us a quick tour of the site before he left.

The farmhouse was a large, manner-like building, which I felt would be more than big enough to house Uncle Drew, Jason, Beth, Cody and his grandmother, Olly, Kirsty and baby Harry, and my grandparents. The closest of the cottages was The Tin Violin, which was painted in this dusky kind of yellow, as if that would somehow disguise the fact it had once been a barn. A little way down from it was The Mahogany Claranet, which had been painted in an equally dusky shade of green. Furthest away from the farmhouse, was the one Rye had been hoping we’d get. The Willow Flute, as dusky in colour as the other two had been, but appropriately blue, as if someone knew Rye was coming.

As soon as he saw it, his colours had lit up. Then he shot me this look, like he knew I wouldn’t be able to resist it now either. He was right, of course, and I couldn’t help but smirk as I waited for the owner to leave, so I could convince my parents of what had to be done. Dad had responded by rolling his eyes and telling us we had to wait for the others to arrive before making any kind of decision. And that, whilst we waited, we’d just use the facilities in the farmhouse, since that was also going to work as a kind of communal area for everyone anyway.

It was almost midday when we arrived, so the first thing we did once the owner had left was make lunch. Then Rye and I were allowed to explore the site for a while, whilst we waited for the rest of the family to show up. The first thing we came across was another barn which had undergone a kind of partial conversion, turning it into a games area, but we were only really able to see what was in there through one of the windows that had been put in, since you needed a key to actually get inside. Still it looked as though there might be a few promising activities to do with Beth and Cody once they arrived, Jason too if he was willing to hang out with two couples without feeling like some kind of spare part.

A little further on from the games area, we came across a tree swing. It reminded me a little of the one at my grandparents’ house, only it was wide enough to make Rye look like a small child when he sat down on it. His colours twisted thoughtfully as he examined the ropes, following it up to where it was attached to a sturdy tree branch. Amusement then rolled through his colours, as he shifted to one side and patted the seat beside him.

‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I glanced up at the branch above us, after I sat down. ‘I mean, if we’re too heavy…’

‘Don’t be an idiot, you don’t weigh anything,’ I could feel each note of his laughter, as his arm moved around behind me so he was holding onto both ropes again.

‘I’m pretty much the same weight as you Rye,’ I rolled my eyes.

‘Exactly, you don’t weigh anything,’ he grinned. ‘So… you want to try this thing out?’

‘What do you mean?’ I frowned.

‘It’s a swing Zel, what do you think I mean?’ I could feel the playful twists of his colours.

‘Uh…’

‘Come on, it’ll be fun,’ he began pushing the swing back a little with his legs. ‘You don’t really have to do anything, just hold on.’

‘Just hold on, huh?’ I smirked, before wrapping my arms around him. ‘This work?’

‘It’s not exactly what I meant idiot, but, yes, I think I can make it work, as long as you don’t move about too much,’ he kissed me. ‘Just lift your feet off the ground and try to relax.’

I did as I was told, and Rye used his own feet to push us a little forward. It was a little slow at first, since I was hindering Rye’s ability to build up the initial momentum, but eventually the swing started really moving. We even managed to build up a fairly decent height, at which point I realised I really didn’t like it. The problem with how connected my gift now made me to Rye, was that I knew exactly how much fun he was having. I didn’t want to spoil that for him, so I just gripped him a little tighter, and half buried my face against him as I waited for it to be over. As soon as I did, Rye’s colours made a knowing shift and the swing began to slow back down to its resting position.

‘And you call me adorable,’ he kissed the top of my head. ‘You could have just said something idiot.’

‘You were having fun,’ I shrugged, as I put my feet back on the ground like I needed to make sure the swing wouldn’t suddenly start moving again.

‘I can’t have fun if you’re not,’ he rolled his eyes. ‘And I know when you’re not having fun, you have a really obvious tell.’

‘I…’

‘Hey,’ Jason’s voice made me jump just a little.

‘Oh, hey Jason,’ Rye nodded in greeting.

‘Hey,’ I half smiled at my cousin, noting the odd way his colours were shifting, and guessing some kind of question was incoming. ‘Is everyone else here now?’

‘No, not everyone,’ he half shifted his gaze away. ‘So… uh… I might have promised Tilly if there was a swing here no one else would use it before she arrived. And I’d rather she didn’t have a total meltdown on me the second she gets here, so… do you mind getting off, and pretending like you haven’t used it yet? I mean, seriously, she’ll hit me if she thinks I’ve lied to her, and that girl can really hit when she wants to.’

‘Sure, whatever,’ I shrugged as I got to my feet, kind of glad for the excuse not to have to sit on it any longer. ‘But, not for nothing Jason, why do you put up with her?’

The question made Jason’s colours tense for a moment. Then they circled thoughtfully as he tilted his head to one side, and pressed his lips tightly together.

‘Because her dad tried to kill her,’ his gaze shifted up towards me.

‘What… Uncle Nathan…?’

‘No, not him, her real dad, you know the one we’re not supposed to talk about, Dirk,’ his colours tensed again. ‘When I was like five or something, I told mum I didn’t want to play with Tilly anymore, because she’d hit me a few times. But mum sat me down and told me I had to play with her, and make sure she was okay, and help her as much as possible, because her dad had tried to kill her. She didn’t tell me any details, because she said it was… I don’t know… grownup stuff or something,’ his colours made this thoughtful little twist, like he was trying to remember. ‘Anyway, at five I kind of got it into my head that if I didn’t play with her, her dad would come back and try to kill her again, and I really didn’t want to be responsible for that. Kind of stupid, right?’ He gave a nervous laugh.

‘How long did you keep believing that?’ I smirked, as I watched his colours closely.

‘Longer than I care to admit,’ he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. ‘I did eventually reach the conclusion that maybe whatever Dirk did was the reason Tilly is the way she is though. Then of course… Christmas happened,’ his colours tightened as his gaze shifted towards me and Rye for a moment. ‘I knew my mum wasn’t a perfect person, I’m not stupid, but I didn’t think she’d ever lie to me. Finding out that she could… It made me wonder if maybe she lied about the Tilly stuff too, because she liked being able to talk about how good I was with Tilly.’

‘I can believe she’d manipulate her own children like that,’ Rye’s voice was dry, then his colours twitched for a moment. ‘Sorry,’ he glanced towards Jason, ‘I know she’s your mum, but…’

‘It’s okay, I get it, I think I kind of hate her a little bit too,’ his colours sighed. ‘Anyway, when I thought maybe mum had lied about that stuff too, I kind of pulled away from Tilly a little bit. Because… like you said Arian… I felt like I’d been manipulated into spending time with her. And then I started feeling bad, because I know she can be a right brat, but Tilly can also be really sweet when she wants to be. Plus, I guess she’s kind of my friend as well as my cousin, whether I really want her to be or not, so… I decided to ask dad about it.’

‘And what did he say,’ I again focused on the movement of Jason’s colours, as they tensed uncertainly.

‘He said that it was true,’ he shifted uncomfortably, ‘and he told me what happened.’

‘Okay, so what did happen?’

‘According to dad, Aunt Doris and Dirk’s relationship was always… tempestuous,’ he pulled a face. ‘He said Dirk was paranoid, controlling and manipulative. That he was always accusing Aunt Doris of having affairs and stuff, even though she’d never do something like that. He questioned whether or not Tilly was actually his, and, when Aunt Doris fell pregnant again, he flat out claimed the baby couldn’t be his. Then one night we get this phone call, only when dad answered it all he could hear on the other end was shouting, and the sound of a toddler wailing in the background. He was pretty sure who the voices he could hear belonged to though, so he left Olly in charge of me and Beth, whilst him and mum headed over to where Aunt Doris used to live.’ His colours muted with preparation for whatever it was he was about to say next. ‘When they got there, Aunt Doris was lying unconscious at the bottom of the stairs. So mum called an ambulance and stayed with her, whilst dad went upstairs to find Tilly. When he did, Dirk was stood over her, with a pillow held tightly over her head. Dad says he hasn’t punched a whole lot of people in his life, but he knows punching Dirk was the one time it felt truly satisfying.’

‘Shit,’ I gave an amazed kind of laugh, as I tried to imagine Uncle Drew punching anyone.

‘I know, right?’ Jason’s colours shifted like he had a good idea what I was thinking about. ‘Anyway, Aunt Doris lost the baby, and Dirk was put away for attempted murder, amongst other things, at least that’s how dad put it,’ he shrugged. ‘Aunt Doris doesn’t have a whole lot of memories from that night, so dad couldn’t really tell me more than that, but he did say whatever happened changed Tilly. I mean, even the fact she doesn’t like water comes from that night.’

‘I really wish our family actually told us things like this,’ I sighed. ‘I mean, I’m not saying I would have been ready tuh hear it when I was six or whatever, but it feels like they keep all this really important shit from us for absolutely no good reason.’

‘So you believe me then?’

‘Yeah,’ I nodded.

‘Weird,’ Jason’s colours frowned with uncertainty for a moment, ‘Beth didn’t believe me when I told her. She had to ask dad about it herself.’

‘I know you’re not lying,’ I shrugged.

‘How? And don’t say it’s because you don’t believe I would lie about something like this, I’ve hardly given you much reason to trust me over the last couple of years.’

‘I’m good at telling when people lie,’ I smirked. ‘Just ask Rye.’

‘Yeah, he’s annoyingly accurate,’ Rye ruffled my hair. ‘So it’s a nightmare keeping anything from him.’

‘Then you shouldn’t try keeping things from me idiot,’ I knocked his hand away. ‘Hey, does Aunt Doris losing that other baby have anything tuh do with why they didn’t think she’d have any more?’ I turned my attention back to Jason, who’s colours were looking curiously confused over the exchange he’d just witnessed.

‘Uh… yeah actually, dad did mention something about that,’ he nodded. ‘It was why it was such a shock when she found out she was pregnant with Lulu, because she’d been told that fall had done too much damage for her to have any more kids. Although we all know the bigger shock was the fact you were the one who told her she was pregnant,’ Jason laughed, his colours twisting with amusement over what had become the family joke.

‘Wait,’ Rye’s colours sparked with realisation, ‘did that seriously happen?’

‘I was nine, and getting kinda bored no one else had figured it out yet,’ I shrugged. ‘I thought I was doing them a favour, but I quickly learnt never tuh do anything like that again. Although it was kinda nice tuh hear my parents apologise after they found out I was right.’

‘Oh my god, you seriously are an idiot,’ he laughed.

‘Yeah, but I’m your idiot.’

‘So…’ Jason gave this little cough, like he was afraid we’d forget he was there if he didn’t remind us. ‘How did you know Aunt Doris was pregnant?’

‘I knew coz I have a really lame superpower that clues me in about things like that,’ I smirked.

‘Yeah, right,’ Jason rolled his eyes. ‘You know if you don’t want to tell me, because you don’t remember or whatever, just say so. I don’t care.’

‘Liar,’ I narrowed my gaze on him. ‘You’re trying tuh act like it doesn’t bother you, but you’re a little pissed off… No, more than a little pissed off. You feel like I’m not telling you coz I don’t trust you, even though I believed you about the Tilly stuff. In fact, I think it’s especially coz I said I believed you about it, and then made what you think is a joke instead of telling you something you’d actually believe.’

‘How…?’ Jason took a step back.

‘And now you’re completely freaked out, good choice,’ I grinned.

‘Uh… okay… so you’re good at reading body language or something, is that what it is?’ He made some kind of attempted recovery. ‘Because if it is, you know that’s not actually a superpower, right? People teach themselves how to do things like that all the time. Nor is being really observant, which is probably how you knew about Aunt Doris being pregnant, right? At least that’s Beth’s favourite theory.’

I went to say something else, but before I could, Tilly’s voice grated through the air towards us.

‘Jason there’s a swing.’

‘I know Tilly,’ he turned, colours moving with a compassionate warmth, as he watched her race towards us. ‘And don’t worry, I made sure no one else has been on it yet.’

***

‘No colouring at the table Tilly, put it away please,’ it was amazing just how much Aunt Doris sounded like Mum when she said that.

A slight smirk twitched at my lips. Mum and Aunt Doris didn’t just look alike, they had a lot in common too apparently. It was a little weird, I knew Aunt Doris could be strict with her kids when she needed to be, but she’d always been a lot more affectionate towards them than Mum was with me. So when Rye had asked which one of them was older at Olly’s wedding, it hadn’t really surprised me. Sometimes I found it easy to forget Mum wasn’t the big sister because of how much more seriously she acted. After I found out about Xenia, it was easy for me to believe that’s what made Mum the way she was. But now I knew Aunt Doris had lost a baby too, and under pretty horrible circumstances…

‘S’not fair,’ Tilly whined, breaking me from my own train of thoughts, ‘Zel gets tuh.’

‘No, he doesn’t,’ now it really was Mum’s voice, ‘Zel.’

I glanced up towards her and noticed the no arguing movement of her colours. Sighing heavily, I closed my sketch pad and slipped it behind my back for safe keeping. It was our first meal together of the holiday. The room we were using was more of a hall than a dining room. Pictures of it in the brochures were what had originally put the idea of a big family holiday into Uncle Drew’s head. Or at least that’s what Beth had told me. Each family group would take turns cooking the evening meals, and since Uncle Drew was the one to come up with this idea, his family was nominated to take the first night. Which was why a few moments after placing my sketch pad behind my back, Beth was placing a plate of food down in front of me.

‘Your family really don’t get how small your stomach is, do they?’ Rye’s voice was low, as his colours twitched with amusement. ‘And I thought they gave you too much at Christmas.’

‘So I’m putting the extra on your plate again, right?’ My voice was equally as low and amused.

‘Your family won’t learn to give you less if you keep doing that idiot,’ he rolled his eyes.

‘They’ve had sixteen years tuh learn, and they still haven’t gotten the message,’ I smirked. ‘At least this way I won’t be wasting food.’

‘Yeah, but you will be making me fat,’ his colours danced playfully, ‘so… No.’

‘Boo.’

‘Hey, I doubt you want me to get fat any more than I do,’ he shot me a knowing look.

‘Two weeks of eating my leftovers won’t make you that fat Rye,’ I ruffled his hair.

‘Sure it won’t,’ he knocked my hand away. ‘But I’m not being an excuse for you to not talk to your family about it.’

‘Fine,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘I guess you are way too adorable tuh make fat anyway.’

‘Shut up idiot,’ his colours flushed.

Grinning to myself for a moment, I ran my gaze up and down the long table, to see if we could start eating yet. That’s when I saw it. The halo. Little Zelda’s halo. It was hovering just behind where Tilly was sitting. And, even though the halo didn’t have a face or eyes, I knew she was staring back at me.

‘Zel, are you okay,’ Rye placed a hand on my arm, bringing my attention back to him.

‘Yeah, I… uh…’ I glanced back up, the halo was gone. ‘I’ll tell you about it later, okay?’

‘Okay…’ he nodded, colours shifting uncertainly.

I lowered my gaze towards the plate of food in front of me. My stomach felt more than a little knotted right now, but I doubted my parents would accept seeing the halo as an excuse not to eat. So, a minute or so after everyone else had started, I dug in.

***

It was the morning of the second full day. We’d finished breakfast about an hour ago, and, whilst we waited to find out if anything interesting was going to be arranged for the day, Rye and I were outside the back door of our cottage, enjoying the sunshine, whilst he got in a little flute practice, and I worked on the big family portrait I’d decided I wanted to do.

I’d just taken a step back from the canvas, to make sure my proportions were shaping up the way I wanted, when I spotted Tilly lurking nearby. The dusky rose pink of her main colour was pulled into this deep scowl, which told me she didn’t really want to be here with us. But there was something else mixed into her colours too. Something which told me she thought something good might happen if she stayed here long enough. It was the exact same look she had about her the previous morning. And, just like the previous morning, she wasn’t here alone.

Little Zelda’s halo hovered beside her, perking up the second it knew I’d spotted her. I’d seen her a few times now over the last couple of days. Always hovering around Tilly for a little while, before disappearing again. I wasn’t totally sure why she kept appearing like this, or why the halo was becoming clearer to me every time I saw her. But I got the very strong sense it wasn’t something I could just ignore. So whenever she did appear I tried my best to study what I could see, in order to determine what the colours in the halo were trying to tell me. And they were trying to tell me something, I was certain of that.

A few possibilities moved through my brain, as I thought about why both Tilly and Zelda might be here with us now. I moved over to where Rye was sat on the back steps, and took a seat beside him. In front of him was one of the kitchen chairs, on which was several sheets of music. The one for the song he was currently playing was propped up for him to read. The bars and notes didn’t mean very much to me, so I only knew how close he was to the end of the song because I’d heard him play it enough times before.

I leant forward and picked up the music sheets he wasn’t using, shuffling through them in search of the one I thought Tilly might be waiting for. When Rye had done a little practicing on the first night of the holiday, this was the song which had brought my cousin out to listen. And yesterday morning she’d disappeared right after he’d finished playing it. Maybe I was wrong, but this felt like a pretty intelligent guess, and there was only one way to find out for sure.

‘You should play this one next,’ I replaced the music sheet for Rye the second he finished playing.

‘Why?’ I was close enough to him to feel the way his colours frowned.

‘Coz I think it’s what the brat’s waiting for,’ I nodded in Tilly’s direction. ‘I wanna see if I’m right.’

‘Little Zelda there too?’ Rye straightened up the sheet a little.

‘Why do you ask?’

‘Because I know you idiot,’ he rolled his eyes, before starting to play.

My gaze shifted up towards where Tilly was standing. Her colours had brightened considerably. She still clearly didn’t like having to have anything to do with the two of us, but she was apparently willing to put up with that for this one song. Beside her little Zelda’s halo sparkled for a moment, before vanishing. I got this odd sense then that Zelda was trying to make my cousin happy. I just didn’t know why.

Tilly waited until the very last note of the song before quickly wandering off. Once she was out of sight, I leant against Rye, wrapping my arms around his waist, as he began sorting through his sheet music for something else to play. His colours were shifting thoughtfully, but I knew he was waiting for me to speak.

‘How is it I’m the one who knew Zelda, but Tilly’s the one she’s trying tuh make happy?’

‘You’re not jealous, are you?’ Rye half smirked.

‘Don’t be an idiot,’ I pulled a face. ‘I just… don’t get it. I don’t get why I can suddenly see her halo. I don’t get why she showed me Charlie. And I don’t get why she wants Tilly tuh be happy.’

‘Considering what you’ve just found out about her, can you honestly say she doesn’t deserve to be happy?’ The thoughtfulness in Rye’s colours shifted with compassion, which brushed against my own softening opinion of Tilly in a way which felt more than intentional.

‘No, I guess not,’ I sighed, as I rested my head on his shoulder.

Rye leant his head against mine, then started playing. The song instantly brought a smile to my lips. Pachelbel’s Cannon in D. I always loved it when he played this one, because it reminded me of the first time I got to hear him play. I nuzzled against his neck, then kissed it, just to feel his colours fizzle. Probably my favourite part about the way my gift connected me to him, was being able to know when I was doing the exact right thing. I kissed his neck again, and he stopped playing.

‘You’re distracting me idiot.’

‘Like you’re complaining,’ I kissed his neck for a third time, a little higher up.

‘You’re impossible.’

‘I prefer tuh think of myself as differently charming,’ I rested my forehead against his, basking in the movements I’d created around us.

‘You keep telling yourself that,’ he kissed me, in that long, deep, if only we had a room kind of way, which I’ve no doubt was intended to drive me crazy.

When the kiss ended, it was impossible to tell where my desires ended and his began. For a few moments I began to contemplate whether or not we’d be able to chance sneaking up to the room we were sharing, and giving into those wants. But I was pretty certain the second we started anything someone would come looking for us. And an open bedroom door gave you no chance to cover up what you were doing.

‘So… um…’ I gave a little cough, and attempted to focus my thoughts away from my raging hormones, ‘I believe we have an experiment tuh conduct.’

‘What?’ I could feel the confusion pull through Rye’s colours.

‘Your potential gift idiot, or had you forgotten?’ I smirked.

‘Oh, that,’ he laughed.  ‘So you have an idea or two in mind as to how you want to test it?’

‘I wouldn’t have brought it up if I didn’t,’ I rubbed my nose against his. ‘So, you up for it?’

‘Why not idiot,’ amusement ran through his colours. ‘So… what exactly do you have in mind?’

***

‘What are you doing?’ Tilly’s colours scowled at me, as I hid behind the tree where the swing was.

‘Rye and I are conducting an experiment,’ I kept my voice low, as I grinned at her.

My words caused complete and utter confusion to move through her colours, which looked a little weird against the scowl that also remained present within them. But I didn’t want to give away my position by attempting to smooth out the confusion, so I was pretty glad little Zelda wasn’t with her just now, because I got the feeling the halo wouldn’t let me get away with not. Instead I pressed my fingers to my lips, in the hopes she understood I at least needed her to be quiet. This succeeded in making her colours scowl even further, but she didn’t say anything.

After manoeuvring myself into a position behind the tree I hoped hid me from the most possible angles of approach, I checked my watch. Rye should just be leaving our room now. If it was anything like the last few times, he really shouldn’t take that long to find me. The experiment we were conducting was a kind of modified version of hide and seek, since Rye had always been so good at that as a kid. Even if one of us hid somewhere really clever, or in an area we’d agreed was out of bounds, he’d still find us really easily, stating that was where you were as a reason if any of us questioned how he knew. As a kid I’d just kind of accepted it. But now I realised it was kind of the same as me saying it’s your colour. Only he’d also not realised it was as weird as it truly was.

The experiment, as it currently stood, involved me wandering around the site for five minutes, stopping for thirty seconds in two random locations, placing a marker in each of those locations to prove I’d been there, before finding somewhere to hide. This was round six, and so far Rye had brought the two markers to me every single time. Now I just had to figure out how to prove to him this wasn’t something anyone else could do.

‘You’re making this too easy idiot,’ Rye’s colours smirked a little, as he appeared beside me, holding up the two markers as he did.

‘I…’

‘It’s not nice tuh call people idiot,’ Tilly’s voice grated.

‘I know it’s not normally,’ Rye turned towards her. ‘But Zel is my idiot, so it’s okay.’

‘It’s not nice,’ her colours became thunderous, ‘say sorry Arian.’

‘But it’s really okay,’ he laughed, colours moving with amusement at the thought of apologising to me. ‘Zel doesn’t mind, honest.’

‘Say sorry Arian, or I’m telling,’ she glared. ‘You have tuh five,’ she held a hand up, fingers spread.

I exchanged a look with Rye. I didn’t want him to apologise, any more than he wanted to. But I got the feeling if she told on him, then we might have to watch how we spoke to each other for the rest of the holiday. Rye’s colours had this anxious little streak in them, like someone was trying to take away something important. My gaze moved back towards Tilly, who’d reached three in her countdown. Zelda’s halo was next to her again, and I got this strong sense of knowing what I should do.

‘Tilly wait,’ I took a step towards her, ‘I can explain tuh you why it’s okay for Rye tuh call me an idiot,’ the halo flickered, like I wasn’t using the right words. ‘I mean… let me tell you a special secret,’ I tried again. ‘And once I have you can tell me whether or not you think Rye should say he’s sorry.’

‘Okay,’ Tilly lowered her hand, little waves of moody curiosity eddying through the thunder of her colours.

Beside her, the halo made some kind of gesture, then appeared to sit down. Taking Zelda’s lead, I did the same, tugging on Rye to join me. Once the two of us were sat together, I patted the ground between where we were and where Tilly was still standing. She hesitated for a moment, before sitting down.

‘So…’ I took a deep breath in, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say, ‘did you know when boys are friends they like tuh mess around…’ more flickering from the halo, ‘they like tuh be silly together? And that part of that silliness is calling each other names?’

She shook her head.

‘Well they do. It’s like how Uncle Sam calls Marc, Stinky and stuff. You know he’s doing that tuh be silly, right? Not tuh be mean.’

‘Mummy says that too,’ she nodded, her colours kind of doubtful.

‘It’s coz its true. Uncle Sam is just being silly, coz he’s a boy, and that’s what boys do when they’re silly, they call each other names,’ I tried to shoot her a reassuring smile, but I could tell she wasn’t impressed by it. ‘Anyway, back before Rye and I told each other we fancied…’ again the halo flickered. ‘Back when Rye and I were just friends,’ I restarted, ‘before we told each other how much we liked each other, we used tuh be silly and call each other names and stuff too. Then, on the day we told each other we liked each other as more than friends, I called Rye an adorable idiot,’ I glanced towards him, feeling the warmth of his colours shifting against mine. ‘And do you know what happened when I did?’ I shifted my gaze back towards her.

‘No, what?’

‘It was like… someone started tuh put a magic spell on the word,’ I was getting the hang of this now. ‘A spell that would make the word really special. Coz people who are in love act silly together too. Only it’s not the same kind of silly as boys who are friends. Boys who are friends are silly together coz they wanna have fun. But when you love someone, you wanna make them happy, so you’re silly with them so you can make them smile. Coz them smiling makes you happy, and knowing you’re the one who made them smile makes you really, really happy.’

Tilly’s colours were starting to lose their thunderous look now, as slow movements of awe and wonder began to creep in.

‘But coz we were still being silly, it was okay tuh call each other idiot,’ a soft smile pulled at my lips, as Rye’s fingers twisted into mine. ‘And sometimes when Rye called me an idiot, I told him he was the one who made me an idiot, coz of how I felt about him. Then, eventually, I told him I was his idiot, when what I really meant, was that I was his boyfriend,’ my gaze moved back towards Rye.

I could feel his colours tangling into my own, like he was falling in love with me all over again. It was adorable, and I really wanted to kiss him, but I had to finish dealing with Tilly first.

‘Do you know what happened when I told him I was his idiot?’ I brought my attention back to her.

Tilly shook her head, her colours now almost completely filled with anticipation.

‘Well it completed the spell, didn’t it? It made the word really special; do you know why?’

‘No,’ she shook her head again.

‘You know how Rye and I can hold hands and stuff when we’re with the family, but we can’t with other people?’

‘Mummy says it’s a special secret,’ her colours shifted like she wasn’t entirely sure why.

‘It is a very special secret,’ Rye smirked, ruffling my hair.

‘Yeah, it is,’ I grabbed hold of his hand, rather than knocking it away, in case Tilly got annoyed about me hitting him, ‘and one if the wrong…’ more halo flickering, ‘if bad people find out, then they might hurt Rye and me for it. But coz you never know who a bad person might be, me and Rye have tuh be super careful with our special secret. So even though we want tuh kiss, and hold hands, and show each other how much we care whenever we want, we can’t. Does that sound very fair tuh you?’

‘No,’ I could see a flicker of genuine warmth and concern towards us start to appear in her colours.

‘But do you know what we can do?’ I leant towards her, like I was about to share some big secret with her. ‘We can call each other idiot whenever we want. Coz when people hear us say that, they just think we’re too boys being silly together. They don’t know about the magic spell that’s been put on the word tuh make it special. They don’t know tuh us it means I wanna make you smile, or I’m your boyfriend, or even I love you. They just hear idiot, and think we’re being silly. Do you understand?’

Her colours twisted thoughtfully for a few moments. Then she nodded.

‘So, do you still think Rye needs tuh say he’s sorry?’

She shook her head. Beside her Zelda’s halo made a gesture like I needed to say something encouraging.

‘Good girl,’ I smiled, trying to make the words sound natural, and ending up somehow sounding like Dad in the process, ‘I’m glad you agree.’

‘He should kiss you,’ her colours glinted with amusement.

‘He should,’ I cocked an eyebrow at her, as Zelda’s halo faded from view.

‘Mm, I’m family, and I know your special secret, and you can kiss, and cuddle, and hold hands, and use your magic word with me here.’

‘Well, when she puts it like that idiot,’ Rye laughed, as he wrapped his arms around me.

The self-conscious movements of his colours exasperated what I was already feeling about the idea of kissing on demand, but… Rye kissed me, in this short sweet kind of way which reminded me of sitting on my front doorstep in a thunderstorm.

‘I love you.’

The words were out of both of us before we could stop them. We laughed. It was perfectly fitting for the moment. And, from the way she giggled, I was pretty certain Tilly agreed.

***

‘Do you think it works a bit like your superpower?’

‘Huh?’ I frowned at Rye, as I watched his colours twist thoughtfully.

It was the morning of the fifth full day, and I’d just come back from taking a shower. The room we were using had two beds, Rye was currently sat on the one we weren’t sleeping in, a pile of clothes next to him ready for his turn in the bathroom.

‘Me being able to know where people are,’ his colours moved slowly. ‘You said colours can reach out for people, right? So maybe it has something to do with that. Maybe I can’t see what you can, but I can tap into that reaching part somehow.’

‘Maybe,’ I sat down beside him. ‘But I think I would have noticed something like that happening when we were kids. I mean, hide and seek was one of the few non-board games I could actually play for more than five minutes.’

‘True…’ he pressed his lips together. ‘It’s just… Well it’s kind of hard to believe this is real to begin with, and I’m just trying to figure out how it actually works.’

‘You’re not the only one,’ I ruffled his hair. ‘But since I’ve proven tuh you, you actually have a superpower now, we could try conducting a few more experiments, if you like.’

‘Why do I get the feeling that’s going to be the word of this holiday?’ He knocked my hand away, whilst his colours twisted with amusement.

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ I leant in to kiss him.

‘Arian play Spoonful,’ Tilly’s voice grated from the doorway.

‘He will if you ask nicely,’ I shot her a look, watching the impatient excitement in her colours. ‘Although you know it’s not nice tuh burst in on a special private moment, don’t you?’

‘It’s not a special private moment,’ she laughed, ‘you have tuh have them with the door shut. Mummy says that’s why we have tuh knock.’

Beside me Rye’s colours twisted with several layers of discomfort.

‘Tilly…’ I hesitated for a moment. ‘Tilly, Rye doesn’t like it when the door’s closed, remember?’

‘What, always?’ Tilly blinked at me, her colours revealing a belief that piece of information could only be true sometimes.

‘Yeah,’ I nodded, ‘always.’

‘Why?’ Her question was bleated with almost too much innocence.

Beside me Rye got to his feet, his colours pulled with rigid tension. Getting to my own, I pulled him into a hug, and stroked his hair.

‘Hey, it’s okay, we don’t have tuh talk about this.’

‘I know idiot,’ his fingers twisted into my top, ‘but I think you should,’ his colours trembled as he spoke. ‘You have an amazing family whose biggest flaw is that they don’t talk about things. I just… I’m just going to go for a shower, and let you decide what you feel you need to tell her.’

‘Rye…’

‘I’m serious Zel, your family need to talk more. And if I want to be part of that family, that means I have to be willing for certain things to be talked about too,’ his fingers gripped my top tightly for a moment. ‘I just… I just don’t have to be there when they are.’

‘Okay,’ I kissed the top of his head, ‘if you’re sure about this…’

He nodded, and his colours clearly told me he wasn’t lying. I kissed him again, before letting him go so he could gather his stuff and head to the bathroom. Once he was out of the room, I turned my attention towards Tilly. Her colours were swirling with a mixture of concern, confusion and curiosity. Remembering little Zelda’s advice from the other day, I sat down on the floor, before patting a spot in front of me. Tilly wandered over, sitting down opposite me, as anticipation joined the swirl of her colours.

‘You know how there are monsters in fairy tales?’ I began carefully.

‘Mm,’ she nodded, her colours shivering at the word monster.

‘Well, sometimes, bad people act like monsters too, and two of those monsters have come after Rye,’ I watched her colours carefully, making sure she was following me okay, and wishing little Zelda’s halo was there for guidance. ‘They didn’t come together though. And when the first one came, he locked Rye up in his room…’

‘Like Rapunzel in the tower?’

‘Yeah, a little bit,’ I had to stop myself from smirking at the thought of Rye being compared to a princess. ‘And whilst he was locked up, the first monster did things which made Rye really sad and really scared.’

‘Monsters are scary,’ her colours shivered again, ‘they give Tilly bad dreams.’

‘Monsters will do that,’ I shot her a sympathetic look.

‘Lulu says only babies have dreams about monsters,’ her colours tightened and tensed.

‘Well that’s total…’ I stopped myself before swearing. ‘That’s not true Tilly,’ I gave a nervous cough. ‘Rye has dreams about monsters sometimes. And another friend of ours has them a lot.’

‘Really?’

‘Mm, that’s what happens when bad people act like monsters,’ I pressed my lips together. ‘But you know, I rescued Rye from that first monster. Well, me and my friends did. Then, with Rye’s help, we sent that monster away for good. Only the monster had made Rye so sad and so scared, that even once he was gone those feelings didn’t go away. And every time he saw a closed door it reminded him of how scared and sad he felt.’

‘Poor Arian,’ she glanced in the direction of the door for a moment.

‘I know,’ my own gaze followed hers. ‘But one of our friend’s dad’s a nice doctor he could talk tuh about feeling scared and sad. And that doctor started tuh help him not remember how scared and sad he felt every time he saw a closed door. Only, when he could almost close a door again, the second monster came. A monster even worse than the first.’

‘Did that monster lock him up too?’ Tilly’s wide, fearful eyes were reflected in her colours.

‘Yeah, he did, but just at night. And he did other things which made the door make Rye feel even more scared and sad than he had before.’

‘Zel save Arian again?’

‘Of course I did,’ I couldn’t help but smile for a moment, before reverting to a more serious expression. ‘But it was harder tuh get rid of the second monster, so me and my parents had tuh hide Rye from him for a while. That’s why he was living with me at Christmas.’

‘But Aunty May said it was coz he was kicked out,’ her colours frowned.

I was about to give her a piece of my mind about former-Aunt May, when little Zelda’s halo appeared again. Something about the timing made me feel like it was a warning of some kind, and that I would have to tread very carefully with whatever I said next.

‘And I’m sure that’s what Aunt May believed,’ I chose my words thoughtfully, figuring I should avoid even implying she was a liar, ‘but that’s not what really happened.’

‘Why would she believe it if it’s not true?’

‘Coz when you’re hiding someone you have tuh keep it a secret, don’t you?’ I poked her forehead, in the same way Olly used to do with me. ‘So she didn’t really know we were hiding Rye from a monster, just that we were looking after him for a bit.’

I hated covering for that woman, but since little Zelda seemed to want me on Tilly’s good side, I didn’t really have a choice. Although I did shoot the halo this little look to show her how much I appreciated the position she’d put me in.

‘You look all dreamy,’ Tilly laughed, her colours dancing with the notes, ‘are you dreaming about Arian?’

‘Always,’ I grinned, ‘coz that’s what happens when you’re in love.’

***

‘Why did you have tuh tell her what my inhaler was for,’ I shot Rye a look, ‘now every time I make a slight wheeze she’s telling me tuh use it. You know I’m not supposed tuh use it like that, right? That’s the whole point of the slow breathing, tuh make sure I don’t overuse it.’

‘And here was me thinking it was just because you hated taking it,’ Rye’s smirk seeped back through his colours. ‘But it’s not like she knows how it works, so you could always pretend to take it when you don’t really need it, and just concentrate on your slow breathing instead.’

‘Right,’ I rolled my eyes, ‘coz she’s never gonna cotton on tuh that.’

‘Well it’s not like you see loads of your family, is it,’ he ruffled my hair. ‘So maybe she’ll never figure it out.’

‘Uh-huh,’ I knocked his hand away, before resting back on my arms, and staring off across the grassy area in front of us. ‘So…’ I nudged him, feeling like a change of topic was in order, ‘where are Beth and Cody right now?’

‘Zel we just got here,’ he groaned, colours indicating at least a mild headache from our earlier experimenting with his gift, ‘can’t we just have five minutes alone?’ His colours flickered like he missed me. ‘I just want five minutes of me, and you, and the sunset…’

‘The sunset won’t be for hours yet idiot.’

‘You know what I mean,’ he shifted his position, so he was resting his head on my lap. ‘We’ve barely had any time to ourselves since you befriended Tilly. And I’m not resenting that,’ his fingers began playing with the material of my top. ‘I just…’

‘Okay,’ I leant down to kiss him, ‘I can feel your colours loud and clear. No more experimenting today. Although you know I wasn’t asking where they were tuh go find them. I wanted tuh make sure they weren’t trying tuh find us.’

‘Right,’ he rolled his eyes.

‘Yeah, right idiot,’ I smirked as I kissed him again, ‘or hadn’t you noticed my parents and your mum are up at the farmhouse still?’

His colours became as thoughtful as his expression for a moment. Then realisation pulled through both.

‘You’re right, they are.’

‘And Tilly was sent tuh bed early for smacking Lulu,’ I began playing with his hair. ‘So… that just leaves Beth, Cody and Jason as people who might interrupt us any time soon.’

‘Zelda are you trying to initiate some kind of illegal activity here,’ he cocked an eyebrow at me, his colours fizzling more than slightly.

‘Would I do such a thing?’ I feigned innocence.

Rye’s colours became deeply thoughtful for a moment, then excited amusement pulled through them.

‘If we head inside now, they won’t see us.’

Grinning I nodded. We then both got to our feet and made our way into the cottage. As Rye headed towards the living room, I closed the back door as quietly as possible. Catching up to him, I pulled him into a spot where we couldn’t be seen from any of the windows, and waited. Less than two minutes later there was a knock at the back door.

‘You know, I’m starting tuh really like your superpower,’ I whispered into his ear.

I could feel his colours flush more than a little. Neither one of us really understood how it worked yet, but over the past week we’d had a little fun figuring out bits and pieces. It reminded me a little of working out my own gift when I was younger, only better somehow.

‘They’ve gone,’ his voice was low, as he kissed me a minute or two later.

Then, without saying anything else, we made our way upstairs.

Extract from The Colours I See, by Ila Golden

My own writing

On what subject(s) are you an authority?

There are lots of things I know lots about, but it would be arrogant to call myself an authority. I’ve not studied these things. I know what I know only through lived experience and curiosity.

My writing, on the other hand, I’ve lived and breathed. Through writing it. Editing it. And, even then, I wouldn’t call myself an expert. But I would say I know it better than anyone else does.

Keys to the heart

With a strange kind of certainty Rye wanted me out of the room, but without a single idea as to why, I made my way upstairs. If he was determined to keep whatever it was hidden from me to the point of attempting to control the movement of his colours, then it had to be important to him. I cared enough about him to respect that, especially if it had something to do with where he was taking me today.

Once in my room, I dumped the contents of my school bag straight onto the bed. I was half tempted to just leave it there till I got back later, but I figured Mum would hate me for it, so I made short work of scooping it into a tidy-ish pile and moving it onto my desk. I then found a mostly empty sketch pad, and grabbed the new set of pencils Rye had given me for my birthday, and shoved them into my bag. After that I grabbed my wallet, inhaler and keys, dropping them into my bag alongside everything else. Finally I took a moment to make sure I wasn’t missing anything important, before making my way back downstairs.

‘I think the only things I need now is my shoes and coat,’ I grinned at Rye as I re-entered the kitchen.

‘Same,’ his colours swirled with excited apprehension.

‘It’s almost twenty past nine,’ Dad checked his watch again. ‘If we leave now, we should make it to Paignton just before ten o’clock,’ his tone sounded thoughtful, but his colours moved in a knowing kind of way. ‘Well, come on then.’

Neither one of us argued. Instead we made short work of putting on our coats and shoes, and made it out of the house within a couple of minutes. The excited apprehension remained in Rye’s colours throughout the car journey. Not that I could blame him, I felt like my own stomach was filled with more butterflies than I knew what to do with. Even if we had to act like we were just friends the entire time, this was still our first official proper date. Okay, so maybe we’d done other bits of our relationship out of order, but that didn’t mean this wasn’t important. If anything doing something any other couple might take for granted felt even more important than all the bits we could do behind closed doors. Or at least it did to me.

Dad dropped us off at the edge of the car park, telling us he’d meet us back in roughly the same spot at three. He then reminded us again to be careful, before telling us to have fun.

‘You know when Mrs A told me going tuh the zoo might be a good idea, it wasn’t as a date suggestion,’ I ruffled Rye’s hair as we made our way towards the entrance.

‘I know idiot,’ he knocked my hand away. ‘And I wanted to take you here way before she said anything about it.’

‘Coz it’s one of the places your mum takes you on your days out?’ I shot him a knowing look.

‘Last time we came it was before…’ he stopped himself, his colours darkening for a moment. ‘Well, it’s been a couple of years,’ he shrugged and shifted his gaze away. ‘But you used to talk about taking me away on holiday with you because you didn’t like me missing out, so…’

‘So you thought you’d show me how you weren’t,’ I smirked. ‘And you wonder why I keep calling you adorable,’ I lowered my voice.

‘Still trying to give me that complex, huh?’ Rye playfully rolled his eyes. ‘But… well… yeah, I figured it might be fun. Plus, well… its November, and a Sunday, so… maybe it won’t be that busy and…’

‘We might find a few opportunities to be more than just friends,’ I watched his colours flush. ‘Okay Rye, I like your idea. For all the reasons. But isn’t this kinda paying for more than just lunch?’

‘Actually your mum helped me out a little. We’ve got a packed lunch with us,’ he gave a nervous laugh.

‘Well played,’ I grinned, ruffling his hair again. ‘And this way I’ll at least know for sure I’m gonna have something I like.’

‘Of course idiot,’ he knocked my hand away, ‘that was the whole point.’

‘The whole point?’ I cocked an eyebrow at him.

‘Okay, half of the point,’ he shrugged, colours moving playfully. ‘But, still…’

By this point we’d made it to the entrance. It was a little after ten, since we’d hit a small amount of traffic on the way. There was a family just ahead, already paying. The lack of anyone else waiting made me hopeful Rye and I would at least have a small amount of time truly unobserved, even if it didn’t last. I was definitely a little less optimistic about our chances of it remaining quiet all day, even if it was a Sunday in November, because it was still a Sunday, and there couldn’t be a whole lot of options for things to do this time of year. But I would take whatever we got, because wasting the opportunity made no sense.

Once paid, and through into the zoo itself, we mutually and deliberately decided to take a different path to the one we watched the family head down. Taking it at a slow kind of amble, I allowed myself to enjoy the sense that we were alone. The first few times we stopped to watch whatever animal it was we came across, one or the other of us would glance about to make sure no one was watching us, before moving closer to the other, placing a hand on the others or taking hold of it, depending on the set up we were face with. Maybe it seemed stupid or overly simple, but it made the difference between being there as friends and being on an actual date. Or at least that’s how it felt to me, and from the way Rye’s colours were moving I knew I wasn’t alone.

I didn’t even think about taking my sketch pad out until we reached the gorillas. And then only because Rye appeared particularly fascinated with them. I didn’t really have anything stable to rest the pad on, so I could only do a rough sketch at best, but it would be enough of a reminder for later.

‘Hey do you see animals’ colours too?’ Rye turned towards me, as I was putting the last of the details I wanted into the sketch.

‘Mm,’ I nodded, as I re-joined him by the enclosure.

‘So… then why don’t you draw them… ever?’ His colours shifted curiously. ‘I mean, it can’t be that much different to drawing people, right?’

‘I think Morgan would definitely have something tuh say about that,’ I smirked. ‘Seriously that girl’s acting like Mrs A’s asked her tuh draw some kinda deformed monster or something. Then again maybe she thinks people are deformed monsters,’ I laughed.

‘Maybe,’ he shared in my amusement for a moment, ‘she is pretty weird.’

‘Like we’re normal,’ I ruffled his hair.

‘True,’ he knocked my hand away, ‘but you didn’t answer my question. Why don’t you draw animals normally?’

‘Coz I don’t understand what their colours mean,’ I focused my gaze on the smallest gorilla for a moment. ‘People’s colours are rarely still, and the way they move and shift about can tell you a lot about that person. And even when they are still, that stillness is also telling you something. But with animals… I dunno… either the movements are too subtle for me tuh pick up on, or they’re just not really there at all. Take that baby for example,’ I pointed towards the animal I was watching. ‘I can tell you it’s most likely happy, but I couldn’t tell you anything about why it was happy or how happy it was. Whereas with you,’ I turned around so I could see him better, ‘I can tell you’re happy for more than one reason, and can pick out which parts of your happiness are related tuh me. There are also twists telling me you’re nervous, but a good kind of nervous. And I can also see threads of sadness, which I know have tuh be related tuh memories of being here with your mum, but knowing that’s what those threads are about is as much tuh do with knowing you as it is tuh do with what the threads are actually telling me. So, when I create art, it’s with the knowledge of those complex emotions, and that’s what brings it tuh life.’

‘I think I get it,’ his colours frowned for a moment. ‘Do you think it’s that way for everyone with your superpower?’

‘I dunno,’ I shrugged. ‘The only other person I’m certain has the same gift as me is Tay’s brother, and I’m not about tuh ask him about it anytime soon. But I’m pretty sure Aunt Zelda never painted animals either, so at the very least her gift probably worked similar tuh mine.’

‘Well that would make sense, since we’re certain you inherited it from her,’ Rye’s colours shifted thoughtfully. ‘Do you think if she was still alive when you were born you would still be able to see the colours?’

‘I dunno,’ I tilted my head thoughtfully, ‘it’s not something I’ve ever really thought about. I mean, tuh me having this gift is just a part of who I am. I haven’t ever known anything else, and it would be weird not tuh have it. So I’ve never stopped tuh ask where did it come from or why me? Coz what’s the point? It doesn’t change the fact that I can see what I can see.’

‘That’s true,’ he paused for a moment, his eyes studying my rough sketch. ‘Do you think Mrs A will let you get away with something like that?’

‘I think the point of making me and Morgan do these projects is tuh push us out of our comfort zones as much as possible,’ I sighed. ‘So having a person in the painting too, especially one I’d much rather spend all my time looking at, would probably be missing the point as far as Mrs A’s concerned. But when rough sketching for ideas it helps me tuh include as much of what I can see as possible, so I’m just gonna make sure you’re in my sightline all day.’

‘And you wonder why I call you obsessed?’

‘I am obsessed, and pretty much have been since the day we met,’ I smirked. ‘So, get over it Rye, coz your kinda stuck with me now.’

‘You’re such an idiot,’ he laughed, making his colours dance.

‘Yeah, but I’m your idiot.’

Our eyes met in this mixture of amusement and genuine devotion. It made me really want to kiss him. Nervously I glanced about. I couldn’t see anyone. I couldn’t hear anyone approaching either. So long as we…

Before I could even finish my thought, Rye kissed me. It lasted longer than it probably should have, considering how public the location we were in was, and was followed in quick succession by two or three others of about the same length, which felt like we were really pushing our luck. Still, when the final one ended, and we’d remained completely uncaught, it made Rye’s colours gleam more than a little. I don’t think I could have stopped myself from smiling if I tried.

‘So… where next?’ I ruffled his hair.

‘Somewhere for lunch, I think,’ Rye knocked my hand away.

‘And here I thought our Hyena Boy was the one with the stomach clock,’ I cocked an eyebrow at him.

‘He is, I checked the time whilst you were sketching idiot,’ his colours shifted with amusement. ‘And here I thought you were keeping me in your sightline.’

‘Sounds tuh me like you want me tuh watch you a little closer,’ I grinned. ‘Well, if that’s the case, I’m sure I can oblige.’

‘Uh-huh, and I bet it’ll be such a hardship for you too,’ he laughed. ‘Come on idiot, you can watch me whilst we walk.’

It didn’t take us long to find somewhere suitable to eat. Rye then pulled out the lunchboxes he’d stowed into his bag when he’d sent me upstairs to grab mine. It was nice to see Mum had put some thought into what went into them, like it was her way of making sure the day was as close to perfect as it could be. Since, of course, perfect would be being able to act like we were actually there on a date, and not having to check around every five seconds to assure ourselves we weren’t being watched. Still, as we ate we discussed what else we could see with the time we had left. I was pretty much happy to go wherever Rye wanted, although I did add one suggestion of my own. The lions. There was something about the idea of an animal with wild, untameable hair that just amused me.

Moving around the zoo after lunch was when we finally started encountering other visitors. I knew we had to eventually, so I wasn’t going to complain, but it did mean there weren’t as many opportunities to act the way we wanted. On the other hand it did mean I didn’t have any excuses not to do some rough sketching, although I wasn’t totally sure if I should be grateful for the trade off or not. It didn’t matter if I was technically very capable of drawing animals, they just didn’t interest me in the same way people did. And if Mrs Akroyd wasn’t forcing this project on me as part of my final overall grade, I really, really wouldn’t bother with it.

‘That lion looks like you,’ I ruffled Rye’s hair, as we finally reached their enclosure.

‘You’re an idiot,’ he knocked my hand away.

‘Yeah, but I’m your idiot, and I’m seeing a very familiar shade of blue,’ I smirked, before turning my gaze back towards the lion. ‘Actually I think it’s a very good match,’ I frowned for a moment. ‘Hey, Rye, you’re not secretly part lion, are you?’

‘Wow, I think that’s the single most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard you say,’ Rye rolled his eyes.

‘Well I try,’ I grinned, before finding a good spot to do my rough sketch. ‘You know I think I could get onboard with this project, if I could pretend that lion was you,’ I teased, as I began sketching.

‘Okay, why not,’ Rye shrugged, his colours half amused, half serious, ‘I mean, it’s not like people know why you use colour the way you do, so if it’ll help, then do it.’

‘Arian the lion,’ I smirked at the almost rhyme.

‘Pretty sure that’s not what the lion is called idiot,’ he shook his head.

‘No, but it is what my version will be called,’ I glanced up at him for a moment, watching the amusement in his colours.

‘I’m going to regret saying you can do this, aren’t I?’ He made his way over to me.

‘Maybe,’ I made a few more additions to the sketch. ‘What time is it?’

‘Half two,’ Rye checked his watch.

‘We should probably start making our way back tuh the entrance then,’ I studied the rough draft for a moment, to make sure there wasn’t anything else I felt I needed to add. ‘Unless there’s something else you really wanna see first.’

‘Nothing I can think of,’ he shrugged, his colours moving a little thoughtfully. ‘And we can always come back again some other time, right?’

‘Definitely,’ I ruffled his hair. ‘Although next time it’s my turn.’

‘Oh really?’ He knocked my hand away, colours flushing slightly. ‘And what makes you so sure?’

‘Uh, coz we alternate idiot,’ I began walking, and he fell into step beside me. ‘You got tuh take me out this time, so I get tuh take you out next. I just have tuh think of somewhere good tuh go first.’

‘Well, if you can’t think of anywhere, we could always just skip your turn,’ Rye’s colours danced teasingly.

‘I’ll think of somewhere,’ I narrowed my gaze playfully on him. ‘And I’m not gonna bet my turn away either, before you get any ideas.’

‘Boo,’ Rye mimicked the way I would have said it pretty much perfectly, before laughing.

‘You’re such an idiot,’ I smirked.

‘Yeah, but I’m your idiot.’

We joked around a little more as we made our way back towards the entrance, arriving there with a good ten minutes to spare before we had to meet Dad. We spent that extra time just wandering around the gift shop. With my brand new set of keys rattling around in my bag, I couldn’t help but get drawn towards the keyrings the shop had to offer. I knew I didn’t need to have one, since the loop was more than enough to keep them together, but still…

I spent a few moments debating things over in my head. An animal wouldn’t exactly be my first choice, but the shop didn’t sell any art related keyrings. So maybe it would be better if I waited until I found something a little more me. Then two of the animals really caught my attention.

I glanced over to where Rye was eyeing up some of the sweets. His colours were making similar adorable movements to the ones they made when he was contemplating his next move in any given board game. That sealed it. Picking up the two keyrings, I made my way over to the cashier to pay for them, slipping the little paper bag she put them into, into my backpack just as Rye came over with his choice of sweets. A small jar of mint humbugs.

‘They’re mum’s favourites,’ he explained, as we made our way back out into the carpark. ‘I know it’s still a little way off till Christmas, but…’ his colours shifted with uncertain sadness.

I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but didn’t say anything. What could I really say? I knew how much he missed his mum. How much he wanted to be home again by Christmas. But the longer this situation went on, the more I felt like Richard was determined to make sure that didn’t happen. I could all too easily see him stalling things till after the new year, arguing how it was the wrong time to move or whatever other crap he could come up with. Because what better way to make a loving mother and son so completely and utterly miserable, than to keep them apart over the holidays?

The sudden sound of a car horn startled me out of my thoughts. Turning in the direction of the noise, I spotted Dad’s car. Quickly the two of us made our way over and got in. Most of the journey home then consisted of small talk, although I could see from the way his colours were twisting how hard Dad was trying not to quiz us over how the date had gone. At first it almost amused me to think Dad would be that nosy about it. Then I realised he probably wanted to make sure we hadn’t taken any unnecessary risks. Our safety was his number one concern after all.

We arrived home with an hour or so to spare before dinner. Rye and I headed straight up to my room, to drop our bags off, but once there neither of us was in much of a rush to head back down again. A point well and truly proven when Rye flopped down on the bed. I hesitated for a moment, before digging the little paper bag out of my backpack and sitting down on the bed next to him.

‘Choose one,’ I held the bag out to him.

Rye’s colours frowned uncertainly as he took the bag off of me and looked inside. Then he laughed in this way which made joy bounce with adoration through his colours.

‘You are a complete and utter idiot,’ he grinned at me.

‘Yeah, but I’m your complete and utter idiot,’ I leant down and kissed him. ‘So, choose one.’

‘You take the lion, since that clearly reminds you of me now,’ he kissed me back. ‘And I’ll take the gorilla since… you know… you’re an idiot, so clearly it’s the perfect representation of you.’

‘Uh-huh, and it has nothing tuh do with wanting tuh remember anything else?’ I kissed him again.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he feigned innocence, whilst his colours danced teasingly, and our lips met for a fourth time. ‘So maybe you need to remind me.’

Extract from The Colours I See, by Ila Golden

A genuine thank you

Sometimes the smallest gestures have the biggest impact. Showing your gratitude doesn’t need to be some overblown show. It can be simple, genuine. A thank you said from your heart can have a meaningful impact. A small gift of appreciation, given with care and thought, can show the depth of your gratitude. As long as you show it in the truest way for you, then it is the correct way to show your gratitude.

Figure out a way to catch up

‘Tammy’s four now, right?’ Arian shot Roxy a thoughtful look.

‘Yeah,’ she nodded sadly, ‘and Jay would have been twenty if…’ she shook her head. ‘When she was born I thought it were really funny they had the same birthday, but now I really wish they didn’t. It feels unfair tuh Tammy, coz none of us feel like doing anything for it.’

‘I keep telling you we could just celebrate a few weeks later or something,’ Taylora pressed her lips together. ‘And I’ve told you I’m more than happy to organise everything, so you and your mum can just… whatever.’

‘But that’s not fair on you,’ Roxy’s gaze remained averted. ‘You’re grieving for him too.’

‘I know, but… I just don’t think people not celebrating his baby sister’s birthday is what he would have wanted,’ sad tones crept into her voice. ‘Maybe he didn’t care much about his own, but he would have hated knowing about this.’

‘He would get it though,’ the words came out of me, as a recent conversation with him flittered into my mind. ‘And… there’s always next year.’

‘I’ll come and see her and bring her something she likes,’ Tilly had that determined face on her again, the one she used when she wanted to be taken seriously. ‘Hospitals are horrid on your own.’

‘Tell me about it,’ Arian and Zel spoke in complete unison.

‘Yeah, I can’t imagine what it must be like having tuh spend that much time in and out of hospitals,’ I shot them both a concerned look. ‘Do you have a date yet for the operation?’

Almost as soon as I’d spoken I felt this awkwardness move around the group.

‘Sly, they’ve already fixed my heart,’ Zel’s voice was as gentle as possible.

‘Yeah, I know,’ I rolled my eyes, ‘I don’t mean that one.’

‘Um… Sly… what… what operation are you talking about?’ Arian frowned.

‘The… um…’ I tried my best to focus my thoughts, then something hit me. ‘The one I’m waiting on. I… I’m waiting on an operation…? I…?’

‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Roxy placed her hands on the sides of my face, in order to get me to focus on her. ‘And they haven’t set a date yet, coz the tumour’s still too big, remember?’

‘Uh… mm, yeah… I… I think so.’

I still didn’t completely understand how I was the one waiting on the operation. But I could sense from how everyone else was acting that it had to be true. It made the pit of my stomach shift uncomfortably, and a whole bunch of other thoughts and feelings to move through my head.

‘I’ll see you when you’re in hospital too Sly,’ Tilly hugged me unprompted, then turned her attention back to Roxy. ‘What kinda thing does Tammy like? I wanna make sure she has lots of nice things.’

‘She likes things that sparkle, and make noise,’ Roxy smiled softly. ‘She likes baby dolls too. And things she can shake. She likes bright colours, so she loves this,’ she indicated towards the headscarf I’d given her for Christmas. ‘And…’

‘So, we’ve kinda told some of you this already, but… Well me and Rye wanna be parents,’ Zel’s voice was loud enough to cut across all the little conversations our group had started having.

‘I knew, I did,’ Tilly clapped with delight, her attention suddenly consumed by her cousin.

‘Are you sure?’ Jason’s gazed was filled with uncertainty. ‘I mean… you’re both… guys. Don’t kids need a mum and a dad?’

‘I only had a mum,’ Arian shrugged, ‘and it never hurt me.’

‘Says the guy who’s terrified of doors.’

Arian’s expression pooled with anxiety the second those words were uttered. I wanted to jump into his defence, and I was fairly certain Zel was about to too, but before either of us could say anything, we were beaten to the punch.

‘Jason you shouldn’t say that, that’s naughty,’ Tilly scowled at him.

‘His anxieties have nothing tuh do with him being raised by just his mum,’ Zel’s voice was defensively tight. ‘If anything his mum did everything she could…’

‘Zel,’ Arian cut him off.

‘Yeah, I know idiot,’ he shifted his gaze away. ‘But he had no right…’

‘Yeah, I know I didn’t, I’m sorry,’ Jason gave a nervous cough. ‘I just… think it’s a little bit weird that you’d even want that. And… well, what are people going to think?’

‘They’ll think whatever the hell they want,’ Zel sighed. ‘Just like they do about Rye being mixed race. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t exist.’

‘True,’ Jason relented a little. ‘But… I mean… How are you planning to… you know… have a kid? Adoption? Would they let two guys adopt?’

 ‘Zel and Arian having babies is a good thing. The best thing,’ Tilly grinned, clearly in love with the idea. ‘And when me and Mikey are married we’ll have babies. I want tuh be a mummy.’

‘Me and Rye want kids once we’re married too,’ Zel grinned back at her. ‘Since that’s gonna happen right after we finish university, and can get full time jobs and stuff, so we’ll be able tuh take care of a baby. And, as for adopting,’ his gaze shifted towards Jason, ‘it’s something we’ve considered, but… well… we’ve got another idea in mind. One that won’t involve people judging us and saying no. Hopefully,’ he gave a nervous laugh.

‘You’re gonna ask someone… a lady… tuh borrow her tummy, aren’t you?’ Tilly’s eyes were wide with a mixture of excited expectation and certainty.

‘Uh… yeah,’ Arian laughed, like he had no idea how she could have figured that out on her own. ‘Actually that’s… that’s kind of why we’re bringing it up now.’

‘Who are you gonna ask?’ She wriggled like an excited child.

‘All of the girls here they’re not related to,’ Vicky got the words out, before anyone else could say anything. ‘That’s the plan, right? Or were you specifically thinking Taylora and Penny? Because Roxy and Bea aren’t good enough for you?’

‘That… that’s not it,’ Arian rolled his eyes. ‘Roxy’s like our little sister, so that would just be weird. And… well we don’t really know Bea all that well. So… yeah… we were just specifically asking Tay and Penny, but… not without reason.’

‘Well it’s something I’ll definitely think about,’ Taylora pressed her lips together.

‘Same,’ the posh girl, who I guess must have been Penny, nodded. ‘That’s if… you’re okay with it,’ she glanced towards the girl who by default had to be Bea.

‘I’m okay with it, if you are,’ she grinned, before focusing on Zel and Arian. ‘I mean, like you said, we dunno each other that well, but… Well, I actually wouldn’t mind doing something like that for someone. Especially since… well…’ she laughed nervously, ‘it’s not like we wouldn’t need that kinda help too.’

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ Penny made another one of those hard to read expressions. ‘But if one of us helps them, then the other of us should… when it’s ours… I mean…’ her cheeks pinkened a little. ‘Not that I’m thinking that far ahead, of course, but…’

Bea leant in and kissed her. Once the kiss ended Penny’s face had what I assumed must have been a love filled little smile, and both of their eyes remained focused on each other in this devoted kind of way. It made me hug Roxy a little tighter. She glanced up at me then, and we kissed. Being in love with someone who made you truly happy really was just the best.

‘Can I cuddle the babies?’ Tilly begged, as she made her way over to the bench Zel and Arian were sitting on. ‘And sing tuh them?’

‘Of course,’ Zel grinned.

‘And bounce them? And tickle their tummies?’

‘And play with them. And chase them ‘round the cottage…’

‘What cottage?’ Jason shot Zel a look.

‘The one we’re planning tuh buy once we’re married, obviously,’ Zel rolled his eyes.

‘How much of your lives do the two of you have planned out?’ Jason shook his head in amazement. ‘You’re only twenty.’

‘So?’ Arian shrugged. ‘Why should that make a difference?’

‘I don’t know. I guess it’s just… weird. I mean, I don’t even know what I want to do once I’ve finished my A-levels, never mind anything else.’

‘Hey, I know what that’s like,’ I laughed nervously, after half jumping on his words. ‘I mean, the whole wanting tuh be a teacher thing… it felt more like the obvious choice back then, rather than necessarily the right one. Not saying it’s not what I thought I should do… or what I wanted tuh do, but…’ I sighed. ‘I dunno, I think it’s okay tuh not know what you want from life, coz things don’t always work out the way you want them tuh regardless.’

‘Uh… Sly…’ Mikey looked really upset.

‘Hell, when it comes down tuh it, I don’t even know if I even have a future anymore…’ I shifted my gaze away from him, feeling guilty that I was the one upsetting him, but unable to deny the truth. ‘Getting married, having kids, getting a job where I work more than one day a week… All those things I was never sure I even wanted…’

Roxy made a tearful noise and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back with an equal amount of need. I didn’t want to die a slow, miserably painful death because of something so unfair. I didn’t want to die at all. I wished there was something I could do to guarantee living for as long as I wanted. A way of making sure I got all those things that were suddenly so important to me. Why couldn’t I guarantee that?

My thoughts became a tangled muddle, as I suddenly found myself wondering why we were in a graveyard, and who half the people we were with were. But no one else seemed to notice what was going on in my head, as the conversation moved steadily on around me. So I just listened, trying to absorb as much information as possible, hoping I’d eventually figure everything out, because there wasn’t much else I could do. When had life become this confusing? Why were we here again? Why were there crutches next to where Arian was sitting? Why…?

‘Are you aright,’ Roxy glanced towards me in concern.

‘Just a little lost,’ I smiled weakly back at her. ‘But it’s okay, I… I know… eventually… I’ll figure out a way tuh catch up.’

Extract from We Giants, by Ila Golden

Patience and adaptability

What makes a teacher great?

A good teacher adapts to the needs of their students.

A new friend

Mum was acting like her usual calm and collected self. I think if I couldn’t see the way her colours were swirling, I might have found it comforting. But I could see them, and that jumbled juxtaposition between how she was acting and how she was feeling left me unsettled. So far there’d been very few times throughout my life I’d believed my gift to be a curse, and this was quickly becoming one of them.

I did my best to try and focus on everything else going on around me. Like the room I was going to be living in until they deemed me well enough to go home. It was a mid-sized room within the children’s ward. Along with the bed I’d been given, there were three others, but only one of them was currently occupied. The boy using it couldn’t have been older than four. His main colour was a dull eggplant purple and moved in a way which made me certain the woman who was with him wasn’t his mum. Or at least not his birth-mother, because, from the way the nurses treated her, it was clear she at least had parental control.

The boy himself was relatively quiet, communicating through gestures and pointing, which his mother-figure appeared able to understand and replicate when talking to him. But even without that I think I would have been able to figure out he was deaf. Most people’s colours reacted to the sounds around them, maybe not in a huge way, but enough for me to notice the difference when I watched his. It made me wonder what other details were in people’s colours that I either hadn’t noticed or thought about before.

‘How old is he,’ Mum smiled politely at the boy’s mother-figure, as if needing to fill the void of waiting with something.

‘Three and a half,’ she smiled back. ‘And I’ve no idea how I’m managing to keep him sitting still for so long,’ she laughed, before playfully tickling the boy. ‘He’s usually in and out of everywhere, so I guess he really must be sick,’ her colours moved in a devoted motherly kind of way. ‘I’m sure yours must have been the same when he was this age.’

‘Not really,’ Mum’s colours tensed.

‘Well every child’s different, as they say,’ the woman appeared unphased, before turning her attention towards the boy again. ‘Yes they are. Yes they are,’ she signed as she spoke.

‘Was it hard learning how tuh do that?’ I watched her curiously. ‘The signing I mean.’

‘Nothing’s hard to learn when you have the right motivation,’ her colours swirled with pride. ‘Would you like to learn a little?’

‘Sure,’ I grinned. ‘I’m Zel, by the way.’

‘Amy,’ she signed as she spoke, ‘and this little terror is Johnny.’

‘Can you teach me how tuh say hello tuh him,’ I shifted to the end of the bed.

‘Of course,’ her colours made happy movements, ‘that’s the best place to start.’

***

It was a little after one when they finally came for me. Mum’s colours went rigid, which really didn’t help my own anxiety much. The smile she forced onto her face was almost painful to look at. Then she patted me on the arm and nodded as if that was all it would take for everything to be okay.

My chest was tight, but I did my best to focus on my slow breathing. I just kept telling myself everything had to be okay. I followed the anaesthetist’s instructions as the mask went on. Breathing as normally as I could. Counting backwards from ten. I felt my head becoming light and woozy. Then everything faded into darkness before I hit one.

***

I groaned. There was this dull aching in my chest that felt as though it were being muffled. Not that I wanted it to hurt more than it did, but the thing that was making it feel muffled was also making my head feel woozy. My eyes flickered open. Above me were colours that I recognised, but my vision was too blurry to see the people attached to them. Some more logical part of my brain found that oddly backwards, but I didn’t really care.

‘It hurts,’ I groaned again, as I half closed my eyes.

‘I’ll let the nurses know he’s awake,’ Dad’s voice sounded above me.

‘It hurts,’ I repeated my previous statement, sounding more like a whining child than a teenager. ‘I don’t wanna be here anymore. I wanna go home. Mummy it hurts, tell Daddy tuh take me home.’.

I heard Mum sigh in concern. Then she placed a hand on my forehead. I groaned again, before reopening my eyes. Everything was in better focus now, but my head still felt woozy. Mum’s expression was the same mask she’d been wearing all day, but the movement of her colours were different now. A slight smile pulled at my lips as I watched them. I don’t think I’d ever seen them look so much like a mother’s before.

‘You don’t appear to have a fever,’ she pulled her hand back, ‘so I think it’s just the anaesthetic wearing off.’

Even in the groggy state I was in, I knew what she was referring to. Mum and Dad really were the easiest things to say when you’re a small child desperate for air. But there had always been one exception to that rule, and I almost always found myself in a hospital when it occurred.

Dad returned a few moments later with one of the nurses, who began asking me a whole bunch of questions. I answered all of them in a way which satisfied the movement of her colours, although I couldn’t stand how whiney my voice was. After she left, I found myself closing my eyes, and listening to the quiet exchanges between my parents. It didn’t make my head feel any less woozy, or make the dull aching stop, but it’s what I felt I needed to do.

I must have drifted off again for a while though, because when I opened my eyes next Dad was nowhere to be seen, and Mum was talking with Dr Hamilton. His fuzzy yellow main colour danced about calmly, and watching it made it difficult to concentrate on what he was saying. Or maybe that was the wooziness still in my head doing that. Either way I decided it would be better to just close my eyes again, at least until my brain felt like it wasn’t spinning anymore.

When I next opened my eyes, my head felt a lot more normal. The dull aching in my chest was still there though, feeling a lot more insistent than it had been before. I was also alone now, with curtains drawn all around me. I moved carefully in order to rub the sleep from my eyes. As I did one of the curtains pulled back and a nurse with bubbly gingerbread brown as her main colour glanced in on me.

‘Good morning sleepy head,’ her voice was bright, ‘how are you feeling?’

‘Like someone cut my chest open and pumped me full of drugs,’ I tried to joke, but there was a tired groan embedded in my voice.

‘Well that’s funny, because according to your chart, the operation was on your feet,’ she chuckled as though she found herself more amusing than she actually was. ‘Are you comfortable as you are, or would you like some help sitting up?’

‘Um… I think I’d like tuh try sitting up,’ I stifled a yawn.

‘Right-o,’ she nodded, ‘would you like me to open the curtains for you now too?’

‘Sure, I guess,’ I smiled politely at her. ‘What time is it anyway?’

‘A little after eight,’ she began drawing back the curtains. ‘So I’ll make sure your breakfast is sorted before your mother arrives.’

I nodded and stifled another yawn, before doing my best to make it as easy for her as possible to help me into a sitting position. Whilst she moved me, I took the opportunity to read her name badge and learn her name was Stacey. Being sat up wasn’t any less uncomfortable than lying down, but it did allow me to notice I was now the only one occupying the room. It didn’t surprise me, but Amy had been fun to talk to, so it was a little disappointing I wouldn’t get the chance to again.

‘There now,’ Nurse Stacey’s colours bounced as she gave me a satisfied nod, ‘isn’t that better?’

‘I guess.’

‘Right, well I need to see if anyone else is awake yet,’ she checked the watch pinned to her uniform. ‘One of the others will be along shortly if there’s anything else you need, other than that all-important breakfast, of course,’ she laughed.

‘Okay,’ I couldn’t help but smile at the way her colours remained so enthusiastic.

Nurse Stacey shot me another warm look, before making her way back out onto the rest of the ward. For a few long minutes I just sat there, slowly turning over the room around me with my eyes, since there wasn’t much else for me to do. Idly my gaze turned towards the entryway. I didn’t have a great view out into the hallway beyond, but I could hear lots of noises. Some distant. Some not so much. Mindlessly my big toes began to overlap each other. There was something strangely comforting about focusing on that motion. It almost made me forget I was on my own, in a hospital bed, in a moderate amount of pain and discomfort. Almost.

Suddenly there was a pounding of feet along the corridor outside. After a second or two of this, someone whizzed past. The racing footsteps then came to a jarring halt, turning into steadier ones, before whoever had just whizzed past appeared in the entrance way to the room I was in.

She looked about eight or nine, with dramatically short hair, and wearing boy’s pyjamas. Her main colour was a surprisingly lively beige. Not because beige couldn’t be a lively colour on the right person, but more because I assumed she was a patient. Sick people’s colours were always duller than they would be normally. So either this girl had recovered from whatever had put her in here, or her colours would normally be the liveliest thing ever.

‘My friend used to have that bed,’ she pointed at me. ‘He went home at the weekend without saying goodbye.’

‘I’m sorry…’ I wasn’t sure what else to say.

‘Don’t be. It was the doctor’s fault. He was in with me all morning, and by the time he’d finished my friend had gone,’ she shrugged as if she was used to these things happening. ‘What you in for?’

‘My heart,’ I adjusted the gown I was still wearing a little, to reveal the top of the dressing placed over the stitches.

‘Oh, hey, I have one there too,’ she pulled down her pyjama top, in order to reveal a faded scar on her chest. ‘I don’t remember that one though. It was when I was really little. They did this one the last time I was in,’ she now pulled up the bottom of her top, revealing a still healing scar on the right-hand side of her abdomen. ‘The time before that they took my tonsils,’ her colours bounced enthusiastically. ‘I think the doctors just like cutting bits out of me. Do they like doing that to you too?’

‘No,’ I shook my head, ‘this is the first time I’ve ever had an operation, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t cut anything out of me.’

‘I’ve had nine,’ she laughed. ‘Bits of me are always going wrong or needing to come out.’

‘Why?’ I began watching her colours closely.

‘The doctors can’t seem to work that bit out,’ she shrugged. ‘I’m Zelda by the way.’

As soon as she said it, I started laughing. Which hurt. But even so it took me a few moments before I could stop. Once I had, I did my best to compose myself, as girl-Zelda’s colours turned with confusion.

‘I’m sorry,’ I apologised.

‘Is there something funny about being called Zelda?’ Her colours frowned.

‘No, there isn’t,’ I grinned. ‘Or at least I don’t think so, since it’s my name too.’

‘You’re also called Zelda?’ Her eyes went wide.

‘Yeah, I am, but everyone calls me Zel.’

‘I didn’t know Zelda was also a boy’s name,’ her colours danced with enthusiasm.

‘It’s not. Not really,’ I shrugged, ‘but it’s my name and I like it a lot. But I still prefer being called Zel.’

‘Zel sounds cool,’ she bounced on her heels for a moment. ‘Do you wanna race about the corridors with me or are you still too sore?’

‘I don’t really race about,’ I shook my head. ‘My heart was the bit they needed tuh fix, but my lungs have never worked the way they’re supposed tuh either.’

‘How come?’

‘The doctors think it might have something tuh do with me being born early, but they’re not really sure.’

‘Doctors really don’t know that much, do they,’ Zelda smirked. ‘If they did there wouldn’t be all these things they can’t figure out.’

‘I know, right,’ I laughed. ‘So how long have you been in here for?’

‘Hm, about a month this time, I think,’ she tilted her head thoughtfully. ‘It’s been pretty boring though. All the kids in my room are just whiney and moany and don’t wanna play. And the nurses get pretty fed up with me running up and down the corridors too,’ she pulled a face. ‘But my friend was fun whilst he was here, even if it was only for a few days.’

‘A month is a pretty long time,’ I pressed my lips together. ‘But you seem well enough tuh me, so I guess you’ll probably get tuh go home soon.’

‘Uh-uh,’ she shook her head. ‘They seem to want me to stay here forever this time.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know,’ her colours darkened for a moment, ‘they won’t tell me.’

‘Well, I’m in till at least Friday,’ I shot her a sympathetic smile, ‘so you can always hang out in here, if you’re bored.’

‘I’d like that,’ she grinned.

‘There you are Zelda,’ Nurse Stacey appeared behind her. ‘What have you been told about disturbing the others?’

‘It’s okay,’ I jumped in. ‘I’ve already told her she can keep me company if she’s bored. It’s not like I’ve got anyone else tuh talk tuh right now.’

‘Okay,’ her colours shifted with amused understanding, ‘but she needs to get back to her own bed if she wants to have breakfast this morning. Come on,’ she placed her hands behind little Zelda’s shoulders, and guided her back out of my room.

As they turned I couldn’t help but notice what looked like scarring on the back of Zelda’s head. It made the shortness of her hair make a whole lot more sense. I think if I couldn’t see how lively her colours were, it might have made me feel sorry for her. But she wasn’t the type of person who needed or wanted the people around her feeling like that. So I wasn’t going to. Instead I was going to allow myself the enjoyment of having someone other than my parents to talk to whilst I was stuck in here.

Extract from The Colours I See, by Ila Golden