Ila Golden's Blog, page 13

An evening with those most precious to me

How do you unwind after a demanding day?

Nothing helps me unwind more after a full on day, then spending time with my partner and Zelly.

Like an introvert

How do you use social media?

Honestly I don’t use social media as effectively as I could. Speaking as someone who knows it could help with the promotion of my writing.

But it’s not that easy. I’m very introverted and a lot of the stuff I could be doing feels very outside my comfort zone. And, when I do push myself, it comes off as awkward as it feels. It must do, or I would have made more progress by now. It can feel very disheartening.

Yeah, I know, first world problems, right.

Trans rights are human rights

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

This shouldn’t be the first thought that leaps into my brain on a daily basis. I shouldn’t need to spend so much time worrying about the safety of myself and my trans siblings. Or the constant way things are slipping backwards.

It makes me so sad. I grew up with Section 28. I grew up being denied access to language and identity which would have helped me understand who I was. This caused harm to myself and my friendship group. Harm which took time and healing for us to all move past.

So as I moved through my twenties, and saw all the steps forward the world was taking. Saw the way the next generation of LGBTQ+ kids could express themselves. The happiness and joy I felt for them was infinite. It was why in my thirties I finally found the courage to step forward and live my truth. I am asexual and panromantic. I am transmasc and nonbinary. And that acknowledgement of my truth allowed me to transform from the empty doll who knew how to fake a smile. To someone who no longer had to constantly chase happiness. Because I could finally, actually experience it.

That’s what it means to live your truth. To make peace with yourself and find your happiness. Everyone’s journey is different, and everyone’s truth is their own.

Trans women ARE women

Trans men ARE men

Nonbinary people are real and valid

Gender is a spectrum, and always has been

Intersex people exist and aren’t some ignorable rare fluke, they’re at least as common as red heads

Trans rights are human right, because trans people are human.

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – The AI Generated Pizzas

I usually work the same hours every shift. This is for health reasons. The best way to manage my chronic insomnia. There are very few exceptions or alterations to my working hours. This particular Monday was going to be one of them. So, my partner and I decided it would be the perfect time to check out the pizza place near us. This particular pizza place allows for customised toppings. It was something my partner was very keen to try. Most of the week prior they kept prompting that we should make a decision. I said, as long as the base was BBQ, and there were no peppers on it, I didn’t mind.

They’ve also been having fun using a free AI generator to make ridiculous images. Mostly of a black gerbil (Zelly) riding a giraffe. Which came about because they were once again talking about the way Plymothians pronounce draught/draft. I don’t get it myself, but they’re pretty insistent on it. Anyway, some of the images have been hilarious, to say the least. The gerbil being massive, the giraffe being tiny. Giving the gerbil a stick to hold for no reason. Oh, and that was before they decided to give the gerbil a hat and a sword. Again, not sure how that happened.

Anyway, with this in mind on Sunday night, they’re once again asking what we should have on our pizza. Or pizzas. As I point out we could have two medium or one large. I also suggest asking the AI. So they do. And most of the suggestions sounded pretty good. So we pick our favourite two.

The following day, I use the extra time I have in the morning, to get my post work routine done. I then set out for work. For the most part the day flies by. Although halfway through I feel like I should be finishing. Halfway through is when I reach my usual finishing time, It’s fine though. And, the second I’m heading home, I message my partner. They instantly place our order.

Food arrives in our living room minutes before I do. I get myself comfortable, as my partner grabs some plates. We then try both of our AI chosen pizzas. One is a variation on a spicy meat pizza. This is the one my partner prefers. The others is a surf and turf. Or I guess wing, seeing as it’s chicken. This one has prawns and anchovies on too. Overall it has this sweet, salty with a bit of a kick flavour to it. I’m pretty sure I like this one a little better than the other. But they’re both pretty good.The AI chose the best base for both too. The spicy meat one is deep pan, the surf and wing is thin and crispy. And it all works.

As we enjoy our evening together, I refer to both pizzas as being AI generated. It’s just funnier that way, even if the AI didn’t make the pizza. It was a fun little experiment. And certainly a good way to take our mind off all the waiting…

To be continued…

Taking a step back, in order to move forward

Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.

I started work before any of my chronic pain conditions, except my chronic daily headaches, had been diagnosed. I had definitely lived a life impacted by my JHMS, before that point. Balance issues. Repeated hip pain, that could last for weeks. Pain whilst writing. Tiring easily. Etc. But those things had been there my whole life. No one had allowed those things to be more than just growing pains.

So I started out in the working world with no clue my experience wasn’t normal. I started doing a job that had me fairly active all shift, not knowing or understanding my own limitations. Within a year I had been promoted one step up the ladder. But that was also when my body was really starting to complain about some of the more physical aspects of the job.

And it really was a struggle. On my search for a correct diagnosis, I even had to take time off work.

Work and I eventually managed to find a part of the job I could do, whilst I figured my health out. But it also made it difficult for me to perform the responsibilities of the role I’d been promoted into. Responsibilities I was still expected to do in full. Eventually the stress of it got too much. I requested a demotion.

That step back was the best decision I ever made. It allowed me the space to focus on my health. To figure out how to live and work with all the conditions I’d eventually be diagnosed with. And then, once I was ready. Once I had more experience and understanding than before. I was able to progress in my career again.

I was lucky to work for a company which allowed me the space I needed to do this. And I have never once regretted the decision I made back then. Without it, I would not be who and where I am today.

I needed the words – LGBTQ+ Poem by Ila Golden

I needed the words

when I was seven,

and I knew I was different,

but couldn’t explain it.

I needed the words

when I was eleven,

and knew what I wasn’t,

but didn’t know how to claim it.

I needed the words

when I was fifteen,

so close to my truth,

but couldn’t obtain it.

I needed the words

when I was twenty-one,

lost and confused,

and afraid to embrace it.

I needed the words

when I was twenty-five,

wearing a mask,

because I couldn’t shake it.

I needed the words

when I was thirty,

hopeless and broken,

just wanting to say it.

Not having the words

only caged and confined me.

Stitched together in torment,

the numbness defined me.

Bound to the lie,

with no hope of escape.

But a smile over pain,

can’t make real what is fake.

I found the words at thirty-three.

Finally complete

and healing

and free.

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – The Wait

Wednesday morning our mortgage advisor lets us know the agreement in principle with the lender was approved. Now he can submit the actual application. It could be as much as fourteen long days before we know whether or not we’ll be approved.All we can do in the meantime is wait.

So everything becomes pretty much the normal routine. Work. Time with Zelly. Time with each other. Everything is pretty mundane. But what else can it really be? We set up the Home Buyer’s Survey. We keep on top of any little bits and pieces that come through from the solicitor. But mostly, when it comes to things related to house buying, we just wait.

Waiting was something we got very good at last time. More so because solicitors take the Christmas period off. We had such high hopes back then. So did our solicitor. Little did any of us know, the seller’s solicitor was out of the office for two weeks. Roughly speaking this was the end of November beginning of December time. The very time frame we needed things to keep moving towards a Christmas move. Instead they came to a complete standstill. And their solicitor knew the sellers wanted things to go through quickly. Yet made no arrangements to insure that would happen until after they were prompted a million times.

If that absent two weeks hadn’t have happened, things may have gone in a very different direction. Because we would have had time to sort all of those things we didn’t have time for in February. Potentially at least. Even if things had still fallen through, we might have found somewhere else. We could have made a purchase without losing our sale. Instead we had months of time wasted. Lots of phone calls to our solicitor. Lots of waiting.

I can’t imagine how our buyer felt with it all, considering just how smoothly things went for them. At least in comparison. Sure they decided in December they wanted a Home Buyer’s Survey. We were fine with that, since we knew we were still waiting on stuff. The survey didn’t happen till January 2nd. At 9 am. I’m pretty certain that was their first slot of the year. I didn’t care though. We would have bent over backwards for our buyer, to insure the sale went through. It was the right choice then. It’s still the right choice now. It is not the choice the seller’s of the Attic made. Although, again, we don’t blame them as much as we blame their solicitor. Bad advice. Bad timing. Just, generally, all round, bad.

And, yeah, maybe I’m being a little unfair. Things are rarely that black and white. And we are now able to get a house. With a garden and a driveway. So all that waiting back then, it was for a reason. We just have to hope, all the waiting this time, will lead to that house.

To be continued…

I don’t like to travel

What place in the world do you never want to visit? Why?

It’s not so much there aren’t places I might like to visit in theory, but the thought of the actual journey will still put me off.

I don’t travel well. It triggers my vertigo, and can leave me feeling extremely unwell. For the sake of those I’m travelling with, I’ll push through, and not make a fuss. But it also means I’m not rushing out the door to sightsee my way around the globe.

So there is nowhere I want to visit enough to make me ignore how much I dread the thought of  travelling. There are, however, plenty of people in my life I’ll endure the travelling for.

A chance to celebrate my mums

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

Where do I start with all the positive things my mums have done for me over the years.  They helped me find my first home when I moved out from my dad and step mum’s place. They helped me move into it to. And into everywhere else I’ve lived since.

When my ex called it quits the day before I turned 30, they gave me a place to stay for a few nights whilst I figured everything out. They then helped me move again once I found a place.

They were my lift for getting Mew and Celibi home that snowy week in March a year later.

Once I saved up enough for a deposit on my flat, they helped me find a place. Helped me move again. Helped me decorate. Gave me money for a new boiler, radiators, wall and carpets.

Once I sold the flat, they were our lift (me, my partner and Zelly) to our temporary home. We hired movers for the heavy lifting, since the move needed to be one day, not several as in the past.

Once we’ve completed on a purchase, they’ll be our lift again.

Always on the end of the phone when I need them. Always ready to be there. To help. My reliable, amazing, wonderful mums.

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – Sometimes its just about joy

Maybe we can’t say one hundred percent what was wrong with Zelly. But we can say she’s recovered. Maybe she’s not as energetic as she was in her youth. But she’s certainly back to her little old self again. Just as greedy as ever too. To know she’ll be with us a little longer, is worth celebrating. Whether or not she’ll still be with us when we move again, only time will tell. For now though, we’re just glad this tiny bundle of bright eyed, sleek-furred joy is still with us.

Video taken during her recovery

Video and photos taken after her recovery