Ila Golden's Blog, page 17

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – Before they go

Three days off has done nothing to stop me waking up before my alarm. It’s strange. Somehow I can sleep past six on my days off, yet instinctively know it’s approaching four-thirty on work days. Granted it’s not like I’m not aware of the time passing. I’ll wake briefly to check the time on my FitBit periodically. If I really wanted I could probably give up on sleeping at four-fifteen. But there would be nothing to gain from that. Besides, four-thirty is more than early enough.

Of course I’m not going to rely on my body continuing to do this. My alarm will still remain set on days I’m working. It’s more than possible my body will realise how ridiculous it’s being, and I’ll sleep till my alarm. I’m not certain I’d want that. I kind of like waking up naturally. But I’ve no idea how this is possible right now, so relying on it seems foolish.

I don’t waste the time either way. My pre-work mornings just feel better all around with this extra time. As for scooting into work. It’s definitely hard work in places. More so on the way home. But I’m sticking with it. And my recovery time is steadily improving.

Still, Saturday is the day my partner is going to view some properties without me. We need to hit the ground running if we’re going to find our forever home. So anything they see today, which is a viable candidate, I will be viewing for myself. Either alone or with them, depending on circumstances. We just need things to slow down a little. So many of the properties we book to view, are sold before we can see them. So the number of properties my partner is viewing today keeps fluctuating. Things are being added to the list as things drop off.

In the end they see five places. Two contenders among them. So second viewings are booked in for Friday. We’ve already got a first viewing booked in that day. So, as it stands, I’ll be seeing the strongest contender on my own. Then the one neither of us have seen will be done together, followed by the third property. Not a bad way to end the week. Certainly something to look forward to.

But with the way the market has been going, will all three properties still be there Friday? Or should we just expect all of them to cancel now? Can things slow down just enough to give us a chance? We know we can take our time to find our future home. But we still want to have a chance at finding something now….

To be continued…

To draw the images in my head

What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

I wish I could draw. Or I guess, more accurately, I wish I could illustrate my own books. I know there is a certain level of skill you can gain from practice. But my ability is limited by my unstable grip. My joint-hypermobility syndrome means holding pens and pencils can be extremely painful. So, unless something changes, I’ll probably never be able to illustrate my own work.

But that’s okay. At least I can still write!

Cool sunshine or warm rain

What is your favorite type of weather?

My favourite seasons are spring and autumn, when the weather has lots of lovely in-between weather. Although the cold of the winter isn’t the worst, the heat of the summer saps all my energy.

So my favourite type of weather are sunny days that are warm but not hot, or light rain on warm days.

No influential teacher, just memorable advice

Who was your most influential teacher? Why?

Between my poor sleep, and fibro brain, I don’t have the most solid memories of my education. I remember bits and pieces from all the schools I attended, along with uni, but mostly everything blurs together. Names of teachers and lecturers elude me. And it’s hard to fix influence to vague memories.

Advice though, I do remember. Both good and bad. The impact of advice given to you by teachers or lecturers can be felt for a long time. And the piece of advice that always stands out the most in my mind came from a lecturer.

Write what scares you.

Literally and figuratively. I’ve always taken this to mean what you write should challenge you. That you should push yourself to places outside of your comfort zone, to learn about yourself and the stories you’re trying to tell. That growth comes when you stop worrying about playing it safe.

This is advice which emboldened me as a writer. The influence felt long after the image of the lecturer has faded from my mind.

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – Three Days, Three Tasks

First proper day off since we moved. I’m not counting the morning after, since we were still settling. I’m also not counting Saturday, as we spent all of that out and about. This is the first day off, where I can just go at my own pace. I have three things I need to accomplish before I’m back at work on Saturday. Cleaning out Zelly, the laundry, and the food shop.

Three things to do, three days to do it in. The first day will be tacking Zelly’s enclosure. I wake up around six-thirty. This feels like a relief. At least when I don’t have anything to do I can still lie in. Or at least as much of a lie in as I’m used to. I never set an alarm on my days off. Or at least I stopped setting one five-ish years ago. Maybe longer. Trying to tackle this ever present fatigue. The doctor didn’t exactly listen to me. Heard the words tired, and odd sleep cycle, and boom insomnia. ‘Is something stressing you out currently?’ No, and even if it was it was a problem before that. ‘Well what was happening at the time?’ Well, this was. But it was a problem before that. But. No. She wouldn’t have it. No listening to the idea my sleep has always been an issue. No chance for me to talk about twitchy legs, or the way I’m basically meditating at night. My sleep’s not restless, it’s just not restorative. But, no, must be insomnia. Chronic insomnia. Nothing we can do. Good luck with that. Yeah, thanks, now I have a diagnosis which allows other doctors to ignore me. Just what I always wanted.

Still, there’s not much I can do there. I’m used to being tired all the time, so it doesn’t stop me from functioning. It does allow my colleagues to tease me when I’m having a attack of the yawns though. But that’s fine. I’m not in work for three days, so who cares how much I’m yawning?

The first morning is well paced. My plan is to clean out Zelly today. I set out to pick up Zelly’s bedding around half ten. There’s a pet store not too far away. I’ve not been in there yet, but they should have the right sized bail of sawdust for my needs. Hopefully they’ll have some paper bedding too. It might be getting warmer, but I know Zelly likes to use the paper stuff exclusively for her nest. Gerbils need a large amount of substrate, and I’ve always provided. The enclosure is probably a little too big for a single gerbil. But she wasn’t always on her own. I normally clean her out every three to four weeks. It’s been a little longer than that this time, because of the move. Didn’t want to clean her out before, so her enclosure would smell safe. Didn’t want to clean her out right after, so she had a chance to settle. Now though, just over a week post move, is the perfect time.

The pet store carry the size bales of sawdust I need, even if its not my normal brand. They also have some paper bedding. So I grab both, and take them to pay. The person on checkout is surprised I need all this for one clean out, for such a small pet. But she also understand enrichment is important. Especially for the welfare of a lone, elderly gerbil.

Before heading home I pick up some lunch. Cleaning out the enclosure will take at least an hour. Better I have something ready to eat once I’m done, so I can just chill out. The process takes a while because of the setup itself. There’s a cage within the enclosure, always left open, which needs to be cleaned first. In both the cage and enclosure are enrichment items. Toys. Cardboard tubes and boxes. Stones. Anything still salvageable needs to be separated out, so it can go back in after. You also need to mix some of the old substrate in with the new. I have a large plastic container I use for this. It can be hard to know exactly how much old substrate to save each time. I usually make sure it’s from the top layers, as I can guarantee this will have her scent on it. I can also guarantee I won’t see much of her the first few days after I’m done. I’ve just destroyed all the lovely tunnels she’s built the last few weeks. And now she has to start them all over again. What a monster I must be.

Still, first day off task completed successfully. Day two’s task is the washing. It’ll be my second time using the launderette downstairs. I’m used to doing more frequent smaller washes, then leaving them on the airers to dry. Cost of living crisis stopped me using the tumble dryer. Also prompted me to set my washing machine to cold wash, and use a laundry sanitiser. Going down to one wash a week is daunting. And, with my uniform to factor in… there will definitely be weeks when we’re doing more than one. Still, we have to give this a genuine shot. It’s not like we have much of a choice.

I don’t take the wash down until the afternoon. I’m a little self-conscious because there’s work being done on the launderette’s boilers. Still, it needs to be done. So I push myself to get on with it. I mostly stay with my wash, save a few short time frames. This is still new to me, and I don’t want to blindly trust it like some others do. Not at this stage. I’m sure eventually I’ll be fine with doing so. Maybe. We’ll have to wait and see.

With little else to do, waiting in the launderette is the perfect place to game. I pause long enough to switch from the washer to the dryer. I also take another little walk at this point to stretch my legs, then return to game some more. I think I’ve put in the right amount to get the full wash dry. If not I’ll take out anything that is dry, and go for another cycle. That’s the plan at least. Although in the end it’s not needed. I fold the wash as I take it out of the machine. Then its upstairs to put it all away. My partner’s evening of socialising is no longer happening. So now I have just the right amount of time to sort dinner before they get home. All in all, a successful second day off.

Third day, food shop. First one using the local supermarkets. Also having to tackle it alone. It’ll be fine. I know roughly what I need. It’s just a matter of getting it. I’m used to Sainsbury’s, so Lidl’s layout is a little perplexing to me. I eventually find everything I plan to get in here, pay, and make my way to Iceland. This is where I’ll be getting the frozen stuff. The selection is just better. Our meal plan also needs a little modifying to suit our new setup. So I end up spending a little while uming and ahing over what to get. In the end I’m relatively happy with the choices. Now back home to unload.

I’m just about to make lunch when I see a message from my partner. They’d mentioned not feeling great earlier, and now they’re coming home. That’s fine. It’ll give me a little more chance to see them, considering I’m working Saturday. I don’t work many Saturdays, which means that’s usually our day. This is a rare week where I’m having to work one. It’s fine. It’s not like I can do anything about it.

Instead I settle into an afternoon and evening of watching stuff with my partner. But as the evening draws to an end, there is one big question on my mind. After three days of waking up after six, will my alarm actually be needed tomorrow? Has my body clock had a chance to settle? Right now, there’s only one way to find out…

To be continued…

Sleep

What do you wish you could do more every day?

It might seem like such a basic answer. I’m almost certain I’m not the only one who would say this. But I’ve also never known what it feels like to be rested after a good night’s sleep.

I’ve been told by my mum, countless times, that they had to stop me napping as an infant. Apparently if I got as much as five minutes of sleep during the day, I would be up all night. Now though my mum’s not so sure I slept much at night at all. She thinks I might just have been good at self soothing. Can you blame her when, as a child, more than once, she told me I must just be one of those who don’t need as much sleep as everyone else. If that were true, why did I always feel so tired?

And I do remember feeling tired when she said things like that. That’s why it stuck out to me so much. Surely if I needed less sleep I wouldn’t feel so tired all the time.

It wasn’t for lack of trying either. Reading until my eyes were tired. Nope, still couldn’t drop off. Cycling my legs to stop them feeling weird. Nope, didn’t help. Just lying there with my eyes closed daydreaming. Still would be aware of the night passing. But this would be the method I’d stick with going forward. Because if I were essentially meditating, at least my body was resting.

As a teen I can remember being told off by my dad, when asked if the pain in my ankle was keeping me awake at night. I said I couldn’t be sure, because I don’t sleep much at night. Apparently that was not the time to mention something like that. But it was the truth. A truth I had more than accepted.

Not that mentioning it to my doctor in a more appropriate context made much difference. Diagnosis after diagnosis, and not one of them relates back to the fact I don’t sleep well.

Eventually, after a year of improving my sleep hygiene did nothing, I spoke to my doctor specifically about my sleep. She ignored all of the details from my childhood. Ignored the fact that my sleep style was not stress related. In fact instead insisted I must be stressed. That something must be going on to make me stressed. And just diagnosed me with chronic insomnia.

Yeah, thanks, something you can’t do anything about, and now no one else will look at me. I just want to not feel tired all the time, and you’re just telling me to suck it up.

Needless to say I have my doubts about that one. Especially when I can tell the difference between my normal sleep and stress related restlessness. Because my normal sleep isn’t restless, just not restorative enough.

If only I could get enough sleep… Just enough… Just so I know what it’s like to feel rested.. Just… More… Sleep…

My personal tattoo wish list

What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?

I believe tattoos are for anyone who wants them. I respect they’re not for everyone, and that’s okay. For me they are an expression of myself. Beautiful scars that paint a tapestry of life.

I’m just into double digits for tattoos at this point. Most of them are custom pieces, little more expensive, but a lot more personal. I definitely want more, and have a loose wish list of ideas for future tattoos. Starsign. Skull. Cat. Something to represent my passion for writing. Etc. I’m fairly sure my next one will be Starsign related. Most likely on my leg. Just need to save up for it first.

Tenacious

What is one word that describes you?

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – The 4:30 AM Rise

Half four in the morning. It’s probably a ridiculous time to wake up when you start work at eight. But this is the time I naturally wake up Sunday. It was the same time I beat my alarm by on my last few working days too. I’m not sure yet if it will stay that way. I have three days off coming up which will hopefully let my body clock reset a little. Still, being awake this early just gives me a more relaxed pace through my work-morning routine. Something all the more necessary now I’m splitting my morning writing time between my current fiction project and this blog.

Not that I’m writing for the blog every morning. If I’m more in the zone with my fictional work, then that’s where the energy goes. My current writing project is another story set within my fictional town of Neva Aton. The series I’m editing is set there too. Its the third generation of characters from that world. And this story is refocusing on one of them, whilst also connecting back to another series waiting to be edited. Everything I’ve written the last few years is connected. All in the same universe. I like the characters, and the slices of life they give me. Each series is mostly self-contained. So are most of the books. You don’t need to read all them to enjoy any of the stories. But they do flesh each other out. Creating a fuller, more developed world.

The blog writing is because life has been more interesting recently. Not that I didn’t want to get back into blogging. I did. But it can be hard to know what to write. The only subjects I’m truly passionate about aren’t exactly interesting to blog about. I don’t live an overly eventful life. I have a day job which I love. I have my writing. My partner. My gerbil. But I’m pretty introverted. My idea of the perfect day off involves me doing very little once the morning routine has been completed. It’s not that I don’t enjoy socialising. I do, when it happens. I just don’t feel lonely when I’m alone. Although I also enjoy doing a little more with my partner when we have time off together. I’m happy whenever we’re doing anything together, even if it’s as simple as a quiet evening in.

We’ve still been getting those quite evenings together. Even if they’re a little shorter than they were. But that’s okay. It’s all part of the new normal. And it won’t be like this forever. Once we’ve found our home, we’ll be closer to the city center again. Then everything will be set on a new… hopefully easier… path. We just need to find a place first. For now though, all we have is the new normal.

And, for now, my new normal apparently means four-thirty starts on days that I work. Monday and Tuesday only confirm this notion. I am waking up naturally, before my alarm, so it’s not making me feel groggy. Tired, yes. But I’m always tired. I’m not sure I’ve ever not felt tired. It’s all I can remember. As a kid. As a teen. As an adult. This constant weary feeling. That weariness isn’t feeling any worse. So, for now, I’ll just let my body do what it needs to. I have three days off coming up. I don’t need to be up early on those. So if I need the extra rest, that’s when I’ll get it, right?

To be continued…

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – We’re never doing that walk again!

Saturday morning, and another early start if we want to get to the first house viewing on time. In the end we’re early enough to pick up a couple of things missed from the weekly shop. As of the bus trip into the city center we are down to only three properties today.

The first property is relatively easy to get to. We’re a little early, but not by much. It’s not long before the estate agent ushers inside. We take a look around. The kitchen by far is the standout feature, unfortunately the rest of the property isn’t quite what we’re looking for. We get out with barely enough time to make it to the next property. We hotfoot it as much as possible. My partner finds this more of slog. One of their legs is cramping up. They’re already a slower walker than I am, and this isn’t helping. Still, we make it with a minute to spare.

The second property is more spacious feeling than the last. It certainly has a lot more potential. But the lack of carpeting throughout makes it feel sterile. It’s certainly one to consider, but for me, right now, it just doesn’t feel like a home.

With all the cancellations, we have a long wait now until the next viewing. That’s fine though. We have a gift voucher that means lunch is on my younger brother and his partner. We’ve been looking forward to this bit. A nice sit down, and a good pub meal. My partner opts to bus the distance. I walk it, getting there just before my partner does, somehow.

We find a table, and decide on what we’re having fairly quickly. The wait for the food to arrive is reasonable, considering it’s a busy Saturday. Tasty too. Just what we need after all the walking so far. Little did we know what was in store for us next.

To a point we know roughly where we’re going. During the last round of house finding, we’d seen a property in this direction before. The post office. Or at least that’s what we called that one. It needed a lot of work. Way too much for us even to consider. It’s interesting walking past it now and seeing signs that work has begun on it. We’ve no idea who would have bought it, but we wish them luck as we walk past.

So far the walk has been long, but fairly easy. The hills aren’t too steep. The path relatively straightforward. If this property is nice enough, it’s probably a contender. At least that’s what we’re both thinking, right before it happens. I take a slight wrong turn, but correct myself instantly. If only that correction wasn’t needed. As soon as I see the path we’re actually meant to take, I swear under my breath. My partner has just about caught up, and I’m pretty sure I hear them swear at the sight too. This is going to be a tough one. Long and steep. At this point I’m pretty certain, even if this property is worth it, this hill is not.

Somehow we both manage to make it up. Because of the canceled viewings, we’re very early. So we find somewhere to sit for half and hour or so. We discuss the hill, and look for alternative routes. Is there a way to make this more viable? There is another possible route we could take. We’ll explore it on the way back. But, for now, we try to be as neutral as possible going into this house viewing. It’s the only three bed of the day. The neighbourhood is nice enough. The view where we’re sat is pretty nice. But the memory of that walk is still too fresh in our minds.

The house is homely and well presented. The garden is the biggest of the three we’ve seen today. But the house itself… It’s almost definitely the smallest, despite being the only three bed. It feels like a relief. Knowing we’d be saying no to something that doesn’t meet our needs. As we walk away, using the alternate route, we begin to discuss reasonable walking distances.

We know up to forty minutes is our outer limit. But this experience has taught us that terrain also needs to be taken into consideration. The area we were just in was a lot hillier than other areas we’ve been looking in. We need to be more mindful of that going forward. Walking distance should be comfortable. We never want to do a walk like that one again.

It’s disappointing to end the day with no strong contenders, but this is only the start of our hunt. We have time, so we should take that time. We need to find somewhere that’s just right. But, for now, it’s back to our new normal. There are already other properties booked in for next week. And more potential properties popping up all the time. We’ll find the right place eventually, for now all we can do is wait…

To be continued…