Sleep
What do you wish you could do more every day?
It might seem like such a basic answer. I’m almost certain I’m not the only one who would say this. But I’ve also never known what it feels like to be rested after a good night’s sleep.
I’ve been told by my mum, countless times, that they had to stop me napping as an infant. Apparently if I got as much as five minutes of sleep during the day, I would be up all night. Now though my mum’s not so sure I slept much at night at all. She thinks I might just have been good at self soothing. Can you blame her when, as a child, more than once, she told me I must just be one of those who don’t need as much sleep as everyone else. If that were true, why did I always feel so tired?
And I do remember feeling tired when she said things like that. That’s why it stuck out to me so much. Surely if I needed less sleep I wouldn’t feel so tired all the time.
It wasn’t for lack of trying either. Reading until my eyes were tired. Nope, still couldn’t drop off. Cycling my legs to stop them feeling weird. Nope, didn’t help. Just lying there with my eyes closed daydreaming. Still would be aware of the night passing. But this would be the method I’d stick with going forward. Because if I were essentially meditating, at least my body was resting.
As a teen I can remember being told off by my dad, when asked if the pain in my ankle was keeping me awake at night. I said I couldn’t be sure, because I don’t sleep much at night. Apparently that was not the time to mention something like that. But it was the truth. A truth I had more than accepted.
Not that mentioning it to my doctor in a more appropriate context made much difference. Diagnosis after diagnosis, and not one of them relates back to the fact I don’t sleep well.
Eventually, after a year of improving my sleep hygiene did nothing, I spoke to my doctor specifically about my sleep. She ignored all of the details from my childhood. Ignored the fact that my sleep style was not stress related. In fact instead insisted I must be stressed. That something must be going on to make me stressed. And just diagnosed me with chronic insomnia.
Yeah, thanks, something you can’t do anything about, and now no one else will look at me. I just want to not feel tired all the time, and you’re just telling me to suck it up.
Needless to say I have my doubts about that one. Especially when I can tell the difference between my normal sleep and stress related restlessness. Because my normal sleep isn’t restless, just not restorative enough.
If only I could get enough sleep… Just enough… Just so I know what it’s like to feel rested.. Just… More… Sleep…
