Ila Golden's Blog, page 16

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – What’s Wrong with Zelly?

As we make our way home from the new cottage, I let my partner know Zelly has been quiet today. I’m not sure if she’s just hiding from all the noise from downstairs, or if she’s sick. So we get in knowing we’ll have to monitor her. She remains quiet. Still in the same little hidey-hole she was in before. Still breathing, so that’s something.

I make sure she has access to food, and defrost some peas. It was a trick I used when one of my previous gerbils, Mew, was sick. An easy way of getting fluids too them, when they’re not moving about much. Things don’t look great, so I spend the night in the living room with her. She gets up for a drink almost as soon as the lights are out. It’s hard to tell exactly how she’s doing. But she does give my hand a little sniff before going back to her hiding spot.

Saturday it’s more of the same. Still in that spot. Still accepting food when offered. Alive when we go out for lunch with my dad and step-mum. Still alive when we get back. We try not to fuss her too much. If this is how she’s choosing to spend her final days, we want to reduce stress. I’ll occasional put my hand as close to her as I can. She at least needs to know she’s not alone. She’ll sniff it. Place her front paws on it. Or bite it gently, depending on her mood. We still keep food going down towards her. If she’s eating, it’s not a stomach issue. There are no odd sounds either, so it’s not a breathing issue. So that leaves old age, seizures, and a stroke. Well she is almost four, which means her old age puts her at higher risk of the other two. But with her not moving around much, it’s hard to tell exactly what the cause is.

Sunday, it’s more of the same. She’s still alive. Accepting food. But not really moving about. I have work, so I can’t keep an eye on her myself. But my partner is more than willing to keep her company for the day. More than once during my shift, I find myself welling up a little. Less than three days ago she was so vibrant and alive. But all old animals can go into sudden and rapid decline.

When I get home, my partner and I have a quality of life talk. Since she is still accepting food, I’m fairly sure it’s age and not illness. It was the same with her sister last year. Rye showed no obvious signs of sickness. She just looked old, slept more, and moved slower. But she was still moving. She was still playing. She was still interacting with us and her sister. Even on her final day. The day before we decided to put her to sleep. The decision to do so was so hard because of how much she clearly wanted to still be with us. We didn’t want it dragging on forever though. That wouldn’t have been fair on her or us. And, the way she looked that final morning, I’ve no doubts it was the right decision we made. A decision made after watching her slow decline over a couple of weeks.

But Zelly’s situation is different. Quality of life is the most important thing to consider with aging pets. And, if things continue as they are, she doesn’t have that. The only thing she has going for her is the fact she’s still eating. Although not enough on it’s own, it does make it hard to completely write her off. So we make the decision to give her a few more days. If she declines further, we’ll make the call. If she remains as she is, then we’ll know for sure her quality of life has gone. Just surviving is not enough. So we agree upon Friday as our time frame. Mostly so we can both be there if we need to say goodbye.

Monday. The day of my birthday. Zelly is once again still with us. She doesn’t appear any worse than she has been. All I can really do is keep an eye on her. Whilst I’m in at least. I leave her only to get my haircut. When I get back, I’m amazed to see her being a little more active. I try not to get my hopes up. She’s definitely looking like an old gerbil. And, as with every time we’ve seen her moving about recently, she’s not exactly stable on her feet. But she does choose to go into one of her tunnels. She’s not been under the sawdust in days. Always sleeping on top, in her quiet little corner. It’s been great for letting us monitor her, but far from normal behaviour.

Still, there’s a little bit of hope now. Even if she’s only doing a little bit of activity here and there, it’s still quality of life. We just need to keep an eye on it. Small animals can and will decline suddenly. She is far from out of the woods yet. Still, it makes me look into other reasons for her recent behaviour. Most things would need a vet for firm diagnosis, but I start to suspect she might have had a stroke. Us making sure she was fed and hydrated gave her the best chance at recovery. But, even if she does survive, she may not get out of it completely unscathed.

Tuesday morning. I go in, and, almost as soon as I check the enclosure, Zelly’s head pops up. She looks like a whole different gerbil to the one teetering around yesterday. Her movements are still a little unsteady. It’s clear she’s tiring easily. But her eyes are fully open, and her fur looks a lot more sleek. As the day goes on, she improves further. And, when she chooses to come out and play, you’d almost think nothing had ever been wrong with her.

My partner often calls her the immortal gerbil, because of how well she’s done the past year. I doubt she’ll go on forever. And this experience will almost definitely have shortened her life. But, as I watch her play, I laugh and tell her she really is the immortal gerbil. Our little miracle of good news.

But is this the only good news we’re allowed this week? Or will the sellers accept our offer? Will we be starting in earnest down the path towards our future home? There’s no ignoring the question has been on our mind. In the background of our concerns over Zelly, neither of us can wait to find out.

To be continued…

Everything

Which aspects do you think makes a person unique?

To be human is to be a unique being within a social structures that rewards fitting in. But everyone’s experience is unique to them. Every thought they have is interpreted by a brain formed through its own unique experience of being alive.

Even the similarities between us are filtered through thoughts and feelings unique to us. Our perspective is our own. We are a unique voice within society, which can either echo it or defy it. And, depending on the part of society we are faced with, at any given moment we can do both.

Humans are not static creatures. We grow and change throughout our lives. We are shaped by our experiences of the world around us. The parts we hold on to. The parts we let go. All unique to us and who we are.

Society may be built on our similarities, but it is defined by our uniqueness.

Nothing

If you could have something named after you, what would it be?

There is nothing I would want named after me. It is enough to have my name on my own work.

Laughter always says yes

What makes you laugh?

I’m sure, like everyone, there are lots of things that have made me laugh over the years.

But the thing which sticks most in my mind currently, is a moment shared with my partner. We were playing Paper Mario: The Thousand Years Door. We have a rule with Mario RPGs. Mario always says yes. It’s a little joke between us, and has given us some funny moments. This was definitely the best one.

We were in the end game. The big bad asked us to join them. At the top of our lungs, my partner and I both yell Mario always says yes. The results were not as funny to me as the timing. The joy we both shared in that moment. The laughter we shared became of it.

Although, honestly, the cutscene we got was funny in its own right too.

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – The New Cottage?

When we were property hunting last year, we would give everywhere we saw a nickname. It made it easier to remember which place we were talking about. One of the first properties we looked at. One which we viewed more than once. Our original real contender. That one we nicknamed the cottage. Our second real contender we called the two bed. And the one we were going through the purchasing process with, was known as the attic. The property market was so much slower back then. It made it easier for us to have proper discussions about everywhere we were seeing. We could take our time with second viewings. And just hoping things didn’t sell whilst we were waiting to.

This time around we have our sale. We can put in an offer today if we wanted. We are primed and ready to go. Which is almost certainly a good thing, considering properties aren’t hanging around like they used to. I’m honestly surprised the one place we’re still viewing hadn’t been snapped up yet. I’m not going to complain. It’s part of the reason I have such a good feeling about it. I’m a strong believer in the idea things happen for a reason. We lost the attic, because we were meant to own a house. This property was still on the market, because we were meant to view it together.

I meet my partner from work, and we make our way over to where the house is. It’s not that far from the flat I used to own. In fact, it’s in what I would consider the nicer part of the area. What’s more it also has it’s own, off-street parking. That’s a rarity this close to the city center.

As we wait for the estate agent to arrive, we discuss various things. One of the neighbouring houses has had an attic conversion. Another has solar panels. These are both things we could also do. The idea of an attic conversion would give us the third bedroom we might need. It’s one of the suggestions I’ve already made looking at the pictures, knowing the place could be considered cosy.

Once the estate agent gets there, we make our way inside. The place feels like a home. Not just a house. Not too clinical or oddly shaped. But like a home. My optimism only grows. This could be it. We’re told there’s another offer in. However, that offer has come from someone who still needs to sell their current property. That puts us in a stronger position. My partner suggests referring to it as the new cottage. I don’t protest.

As we leave we discuss what offer we should put in. We then make no short work contacting our mortgage advisor. He thinks the offer sounds fair. But we’re not the ones who need to decide how fair the offer is. The only ones who can really accept are the sellers. And there’s only one way to find out.

To be continued…

I don’t think 5 year old me had an answer

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I was an imaginative child. The one on the playground coming up with all the fantastical games for everyone to play. I know most of them were about hidden identities, and heroes.

I was already a storyteller at this age. Not just the games. I would also create stories for my younger brother, to entertain him as we travelled to and from school.

But I don’t think five-year-old me could have told you what they wanted to be when they grew up. They were much more focused on the here and now. It was seven when I first knew I wanted to be an author. Or at least, that’s what I remember about that.

Experiences that differ from their own

What’s something most people don’t understand?

I’m speaking here as someone who is trans-nonbinary. But that’s is not the only way this can apply.

Humans are social creatures, and those social structures create expectations. Expectations that the experiences of those around you will be similar enough to your own that you can understand them. But that’s not always the case.

I grew up knowing I was different, but not having the words to explain how or why. There was no one around me I could point to and go, they’re experience must be similar to mine. It was an isolating experience, which I felt unable to share with anyone.

But it gave me a greater sense of empathy and understanding. Humans aren’t as simple as our social structures suggest they should be. We’re complex in lots of ways and for lots of reasons.

Different experiences are so valuable. Different perspectives. Different backgrounds and beliefs. Different ways of thinking or learning. Different ways of being human. Those experiences are so valuable, because learning about them, embracing them as part of our wider world, helps us grow. It helps society grow.

It saddens me to see how much hate there is in our world. Real growth and change is found within our differences. And hate is the enemy of us all.

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – What will Friday Bring?

We start the week with three viewings booked in. It’s my birthday next Monday, and we’re seeing my dad and step-mum on the Saturday. For lunch. Making it hard to book viewings around. But I have the Friday off. So we’re taking advantage of that.

Only one of the three properties neither of us have seen before. The other two my partner saw on Saturday. One contender, the three bed, is stronger than the other. At least in their opinion. The three bed would be more of a walk. But most of the rooms are spacious enough. And the walk, in their opinion, shouldn’t be too bad. Although they did get a lift there from my understanding. Still, I’ll be seeing the place for myself on Friday. By myself too. The booking is for two, whilst my partner is in work. The one neither of us has seen is at quarter to five. Then the two bed my partner viewed on Saturday is at five fifteen. Or at least, I’m pretty sure those are the times. They were the one to book them, and I’ve never been very good at remembering these kind of things.

I need a haircut. That was something I decided last week. But it’s hard to find the prices for the local salons. And those I can find the prices for are more expensive than where I’ve been going. So I make another decision. I have time to kill between viewings. It’s easier, and less expensive, to just stay in the city center once I’m there. So why not book in for a haircut between viewings? Seems like a very logical decision to make. But not one I need to commit to just yet. I do have all of next week off, after all. If I can’t get an appointment that works out, I can book one for next week.

The week flies by, as I count down to both the house viewings and my birthday week off. The three bed my partner already viewed is the first to cancel. It’s disappointing, but fine. It was the furthest away from the city center. Next to cancel is the one neither of us have seen. Again, disappointing, but that’s just the way the market has been going. The remaining viewing has been brought forward to five. This gives me the most range for booking in a hair appointment, provided there’s one available.

I call as soon as they’re open Friday morning. I ask for an appointment after two. There’s nothing available. But they can do one o’clock on Monday. I didn’t even realise they were open Mondays. I was pretty sure that wasn’t always the case. Either way I say yes to the appointment. It might be my birthday, but I’ve literally nothing else to do.

So, with the appointment booked, I continue on with my usual day off routine. There’s a lot of noise coming from downstairs though. They’re still doing… whatever to the boiler of the launderette. There’s not much I can do about that. But as the day wears noisily on, I start to worry that I haven’t really seen Zelly.

She’s old, and probably doesn’t much like all the noise or the smell that comes with it. That’s what I keep telling myself at least. But the brief moment I do see her, she’s looking a little wobbly on her feet. Wouldn’t be the first time. She gets a little wobbly whenever she stretches. And she was stretching, before going back to her hidey-hole. Still, even with all the noise it’s weird to only see her the once.

I manage to find where she’s hiding. There’s a good enough view for me to keep a periodic eye on her before I have to leave. I decide to walk in. I need the air. The noise and smell have been getting to me too. I always have a headache, but this one is starting to creep towards sick levels. Traveling by bus now would only make it worse. And I have the time to walk, so I might as well.

Walking doesn’t stop me worrying about Zelly though. But I try to focus my thoughts on the property we’re viewing. I don’t want to associate the two. I need to go in with a clear mind, so that I can really get a feel for the place. My partner thinks the place is a real contender. It feels homely, even if it’s not the biggest of places. The room sizes don’t look bad on paper either. I have a good feeling about the place. I try to hold onto those thoughts as I make my way into the city center.

Somehow I make it in a lot faster than I was expecting. I didn’t keep a close eye on what time I left. I know it was almost three. But I was expecting to reach the city center closer to four. Instead I’m at the edge of it by twenty to. If I were on my scooter I’d have made it to the other end in just under thirty-five minutes. I know I wasn’t quite as fast as that. But it’s still not a bad time considering. I just have a lot of time to kill until four-thirty, when I’ll meet my partner from work. So I pick us up some drinks, and go for a wander.

I’m honestly tempted just to wander over to the place we’ll be viewing, to scope out the neighbourhood. I don’t. Instead I just continue to imagine what this place is going to be like. Will we have finally found our future home? After all the bad luck we’ve been having, it would be nice to answer that with a yes.

To be continued…

For the better, surprisingly

How has technology changed your job?

So I work in one of those industry where everyone insist technological advancements, such as self-serve tills, will take peoples’ jobs. However the workforce we need now, compared to when I started 15 years ago, doesn’t reflect that.

But that’s not the only improvements technology has had on my workplace. Its also improved training. No more paper based training that can easily get lost. Or super thick workbooks, that are hard to get through. Now you can change the language in the online training easily, making it more accessible. Not to mention screen reading technology to help out our dyslexic friends. Things like that give more people the opportunity to progress, when otherwise they might have struggled. Who wouldn’t see that as a positive thing?

Yes, change can be scary. Yes, things becoming more automated in one area might seem like a bad thing. But sometimes those little ease of use improvements for the public means the workforce can focus on the quality of the service they’re providing. Not all, obviously. There will always be those who find ways to abuse advancements in technology solely for their own gain. But for me, and my workplace, I’ve fortunately only have had the best experience.

The lines we must draw

How often do you say “no” to things that would interfere with your goals?

The question of how often you say ‘no’ to things that would interfere with your goals, is an odd one. How are we defining goals here? But, more importantly, why do we need a goal in order to say ‘no’ in the first place?

Why should we need an excuse to say ‘no’. Not wanting or feeling able to do something should be enough. And yet we are taught a simple ‘no’ isn’t enough. Worse, we’re taught saying ‘no’ is wrong. It’s why so many struggle to do so. Saying ‘yes’ makes us a team player. Saying ‘no’ makes us an obstacle.

This reluctance to say ‘no’, leads to many spreading themselves too thin. But saying ‘no’ is a powerful tool in our own well-being. ‘No’ is us prioritising our own wants and needs. Regardless as to whether or not there is a reason. ‘No’ is that line we draw to make space for ourselves.

It’s a space we all deserve. Don’t ever feel like you need an excuse for it.