Ila Golden's Blog, page 15

I’d rather be a version of myself in a show or book I like

If you could be a character from a book or film, who would you be? Why?

I know it’s not exactly cool to be a self-insert. But, honestly, I would rather experience the world the story I like is set in as myself. Even if that means I’m little more than a background extra.

Small size, big personality

What animals make the best/worst pets?

Since living on my own, I have been the proud pet parent of six small pets. One hamster, one rabbit, and four gerbils. Each one has given me joy, and shown affection in their own way. But to keep it simple today, I just want to focus on the gerbils.

Starting with Zelly, the only one still with us. Does she like to be pet and cuddled, not especially. But she will rest her paws on me, sometimes grooming me too. Even when she was a little under the weather recently, she’d pop her head up to say hello to me.

And now she’s well again, boy has her personality returned. Lively, adventurous and independent. Her sister, Rye, who passed last year, was more of an attention seeker. Always coming up to the spot next to me, looking for me to interact with her. Showing excitement whenever I did, by tapping her paws against my finger, or climbing up onto my hand.

The pair of gerbils before them, Mew and Celibi, were very different. Celibi was shy, and forever grooming her sister. Mew was a little attention seeker too, enjoying being carried around. And, after loosing her sister, became just the sweetest little soul in her last couple of weeks.

Yes, small pets came bring so much joy. So much personality. Making our lives better. Small in size, but still able to fill the biggest place in our hearts.

The value of fulfilment

What job would you do for free?

No job is ever really done ‘for free’. But payment is not always monetary. Payment can be the genuine thanks we receive. The feeling of knowing we’ve helped another. The joy or comfort we have brought. The fulfilment of a job well done. Payment can be for the soul and not the pocket.

But some jobs can come at the expense of ourselves. Where you are the one left paying for it. With time. Or effort. Or financially. Where kindness is taken advantage of. So never forget your own worth. Nothing should ever come solely at the expense of yourself and your own well-being.

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – Weekend is here again

Friday, and it’s hard to get a real gauge on how Zelly is doing. The first time I see her, she’s tired, but otherwise normal. The second time starts the same. But when she goes for more food, she keeps leaning heavily to one side. She doesn’t manage to pick anything up either. Soon after she goes back to bed. Next time I see her, she’s popping her head up next to me. The door to the enclosure is open, in case she’s strong enough to come out. She just seems to want to say hello though. Instead of coming out to play, she goes for a drink and some food. She appears a lot brighter than the last time I saw her. I watch her until she heads back under the sawdust again. Her final appearance of the day is at bedtime. Once again looking bright eyed, and sleek-furred. Both signs of a healthy gerbil. No obvious signs of instability or weakness, as she gobbles up the meal worms I’d scattered earlier. She has a little more to eat, and another drink after that. Potters around for a little bit, before going back under the sawdust.

My partner and I discuss. She might have had a second stroke. Presuming that was the issue the first time. If not, this odd behaviour may still be down to the first suspected stroke. It might have caused a little brain damage, which has created more erratic behavioural patterns. This may well be how things are going forward. That we may need to expect a more sudden death from her. She’s four, and her bright appearance, eyes and fur, suggest she’s not in any pain. Her ears are also perked, and not close to the body. Again suggesting, when she’s not listless and dazed, that she’s not sick. There’s not a lot a vet can do for strokes and seizures. And I’m worried how the stress of the visit will effect such an old girl. We can keep her comfortable, fed, warm, and hydrated. We can keep a close eye on her, without putting her through an ordeal. If and when things change again, we will re-evaluate. But a visit to the vets for advice we’re already following, could kill her. It’s by no means an easy choice to make, but, for now, this feels like the right one.

Saturday, our viewing is at ten, which means a shortened version of my morning routine. We make it into the city center with time to spare, but that’s not a bad thing. The place we’re viewing today is literally within sight of the one we’d put an offer in for. No personal driveway, but there is off-road parking for residents. We mean to ask about that, for the sake of our friends and family, but forget. Our first question to the estate agent is about the tenants. We’d never want our future home to come at the expense of anyone else. The estate agent lets us know they’ve got somewhere to go. In fact, they’re the ones who helped them with it, since this property was rented out through them. Knowing their future is safe and secure makes us both relax a little.

This house and the new cottage are technically cookie cutter houses. Same basic design, with rooms being in the same basic location front to back. But little changes, like position of the doors, and covers over the radiators make a difference. You can get all the same stuff in, but you can arrange things differently. Having furniture in place, also makes it easier to feel out the true size of the rooms. You can see where things could go, because similar things are there now.

Admittedly the condition isn’t as nice in places. We’d definitely need to redecorate sooner rather than later. But the larger garden offers us more options. And we already know we like the feel of the place. We put in an offer before we leave. Before the end of the day we put in our best offer. We won’t hear anything more until Monday. Instead we enjoy the escape room we’ve booked, before heading home.

Once there, we focus our attention on Zelly. Little by little she’s more active as the day goes on. Eventually coming out to play for a short while, before going back to rest some more. It feels like positive progress, but you can never tell with small pets.

Sunday, we decide to do the Mystery Adventure book we have. So we pack a lunch, and set out into the city center. The day is warm and sunny, without being too hot. The adventure itself takes us to some unique locations, and we take a few selfies to remember the day by. We arrive back home around half-three. As my partner says hello to our landlord’s dog, I open the enclosure’s door. Zelly doesn’t take long to appear. Less time again for her to come out for playtime. Her behaviour is almost back to normal. Obviously we can’t take anything for granted. But it feels nice to go from the deep concern of last Sunday, to feeling a little more optimistic. Hopefully she’ll be with us a little longer. Maybe not long enough to see our next home. But, for now at least, she remains the immortal gerbil.

My week off is officially over, even if I have one more day off before going back to work. That day off is simply one of the three I normally get, falling coincidentally on a Monday. But will Monday bring our house search to an end? Will our offer be accepted? Or will we be asking this question again with a new property in the next few weeks?

To be continued…

I don’t tend to watch the Olympics

What Olympic sports do you enjoy watching the most?

I don’t avoid watching it. For me it’s just background noise. Most of my Olympics watching happens when I’m visiting others. They’ll have it on, and I’ll see little bits and pieces of various events. But I don’t put it on when I’m at home. I just kind of forget its even on.

#Extract – Toby (What Makes Me)

Exclusive extract from Toby, the first book in the What Makes Me series. All books in the What Makes Me series explore themes around identity, found family and friendship.

‘Hi Neil, I’m Rowan,’ Rowan’s face was alive with this grin which made his whole face sparkle, as he greeted my best mate. ‘You know the person Toby must have been raving about when he called you yesterday, because I’m all kinds of awesome, and totally gunning for your spot as his best friend.’

Neil’s response was this kind of speechless noise, as his chestnut brown eyes just stared at Rowan in this dumbfounded kind of way.

‘Don’t worry, I’m teasing,’ Rowan pulled himself far enough out of the window to be as close to Neil as possible, ‘I know better than to come between the sacred bond of best friends. Trust me, not even death can come between that.’

‘Uh…’ Neil continued to blink dumbly at him.

‘Is that my stuff?’ I jumped in to save him.

‘Um… yeah,’ he shifted his attention towards me. ‘It’s… um… your schoolbooks, and a few other bits I knew you seriously couldn’t live without. But your mum was watching me like a hawk the whole time, as if she seriously thought I’d steal all the china the second her back was turned or something. And… um… this is like seriously heavy, so…’

‘Right,’ Rowan had his door open, and was out of it and next to Neil within seconds. ‘You should sort through it and grab what you need for the day, then dad’ll drop the rest of it back to ours, right?’ He leant back into the car, first looking at me, then glancing towards his dad.

‘Actually I probably have time to drop it to your brother’s,’ Rowan’s dad checked his watch. ‘My first student’s not till ten.’

‘Cool,’ Rowan grinned as he took the binbag out of Neil’s arms and dumped it onto the seat he’d previously been using.

As quickly as I could, I began sorting through the items in the binbag, specifically looking for the books and stuff I needed for the day. I couldn’t help but spot the items Neil had deemed important to me as I did though. It made my insides swell with more than a little bit of genuine happiness that my best friend knew me this well. Once I was done, I thanked Rowan’s dad, half cursing myself for not being able to remember what his name was, and joined my friends on the pavement outside of the school grounds.

‘See you tonight dad, make sure no one crashes,’ Rowan waved like some hyperactive kid, as we watched the car pull away. ‘Okay, so I’m going to have to go and pretend I’m not the coolest person in the world now,’ he indicated towards the school entrance, as he turned his attention back towards the two of us. ‘But remember, my form room is the one closest to the library if you need me for anything. And that goes for both of you,’ his gaze lingered on Neil for a moment. ‘But, you know, if everything is cool, then I’ll see you at the end of the day. We’ll meet right here,’ he pointed to the spot he was standing.

‘Okay, cool, see you Rowan.’

‘Later Toby, Neil,’ he did a kind of awkward wave, walking away thing, before disappearing through the gates.

‘Sorry,’ I shot Neil an apologetic look once it was just the two of us, ‘I know Rowan’s a little much. I mean, I’m still trying to get used to him, but he’s genuinely cool, so…’

‘I think I’m in love,’ Neil surprised me, by putting his hands over his heart, and half collapsing back into the school wall. ‘I mean, seriously T, and you’re wearing his clothes right now?’

‘Um…’

‘God I seriously don’t think I’ve been more jealous of you,’ his head hit back against the wall, as he made this overly dramatic sigh, before rubbing his face and composing himself. ‘Sorry, I know, the last thing you need right now is me crushing on another no chance. Curse whatever god decided to make blond hair and blue eyes my one true weakness. Seriously.’

‘Pretty sure you say that about everything,’ I rolled my eyes, debating whether or not I should tell him Rowan might actually be a chance. ‘So… um… how… how were my parents when you saw them yesterday?’

‘I’m glad my mum was there,’ his voice tensed with the serious weight of his words. ‘They pretty much just laughed when we said we were there for your things. Then they seriously shoved an envelope with your other name on it into mum’s hand and said that should be everything we needed for your funeral. They didn’t even ask if you were staying with us, I guess they must have assumed, but… Seriously, what the fuck’s wrong with your parents? If I’d known… T, I… I’m sorry.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ I indicated we should start walking.

‘So mum thinks she might have heard of the people you’re staying with,’ he fell into step beside me. ‘You know that Louie mum goes to for advice about us, and ends up with mostly advice about me, because… you know.’

‘Um… yeah,’ I nodded.

‘Well she thinks the people you’re staying with might be the same ones who helped him out when he left home,’ Neil grinned. ‘Isn’t that seriously cool?’

‘Um… yeah, I guess, but isn’t she worried about me living with strangers and stuff.’

‘Oh absolutely,’ he laughed. ‘I mean, she’s seriously freaking out a lot less now than she was when I told her Saturday evening, but she still wants to meet these guys to make sure they’re really okay. Although I think some of that is her blaming herself for what happened on Friday. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with your parents?’

‘I know,’ I winced at my own last memory of them, ‘but can we not talk about it, please, thinking about its making my arm hurt more than it already is.’

‘Right, sorry,’ he shot me an apologetic look as we neared our form room.

I took a breath in as I entered, not really sure what to expect from the others, and finding myself half surprised when there wasn’t any instant meowing at my entrance. Then…

‘Hey looks like Tabby’s a short-haired now,’ Josh, first in as always.

That instantly launched half the class into a torrent of meowing, and jokes about not getting my hair in my saucer of milk anymore. When I didn’t react, because I never reacted, they settled down. And the rest of the class, the ones who didn’t still act like we’d never left juniors, asked me about my arm, and whether or not they could sign my cast. No one commented on the trousers though, because, Rowan was right, in our class especially no one was going to bat an eyelid. So I smiled at the ones who were asking about my cast and told them they could draw pictures on it instead. Because I could put up with looking at flowers, and cats, and bunny rabbits, because pictures didn’t contain names, or pronouns. And if those things weren’t on my cast then they could be left behind at school at the end of each day, and I would be free to be Toby again.

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A reminder of the small things

How would you improve your community?

The older I get, the more I wish I could do to fight for positive change. To donate to projects which help our most vulnerable. To sign every petition asking to end injustice, unfair treatment, to level the playing field, or stop atrocities.

Sometimes it feels like there is no hope. Sometimes it feels too overwhelming to deal with.

Then I’ll hear stories about the small things others do. Community kitchens. Charity runs. Volunteering. And I’m reminded, the small things matter. They may not create sweeping change, but they give genuine hope.

Adventures of a Non-Binary Author – Not the week we were expecting

We contacting our mortgage advisor on our way home Friday. He thinks our offer seems about right for what the property is worth. And this is where the fun of miscommunication happens. He thinks we’ve put the offer in. We think he’ll put it in on our behalf. So we spend Saturday waiting for news that can’t possible come.

We’re sure of the mistake by Monday. And that’s when the offer goes in. It’s in by lunchtime, which means it’s not impossible to hear something by the end of the day. It would be a nice little bit of good news on my birthday. Something positive to counterbalance the concern over Zelly. We make it through the day with no updates.

We’ve not told either of our families yet, that we’re putting an offer in. Since January, we’ve not had the best luck with properties. Buying or renting. The temporary accommodation we’re in might be working well for us. However, we’d be lying if we said it was our first choice. Although that’s mostly down to location. The rooms are plenty big enough for our temporary needs. The place is clean and well maintained. The landlord is genuinely a nice guy. If we were a mile closer to the city center we’d have no complaints. And, even with that one complaint, we still couldn’t have asked for a better situation right now.

But that doesn’t mean there’s no reason to be cautious. Our offer could easily be rejecting. The other interested party might have sold over the weekend. Which would put them in a better position to make a counter offer. We know our top limit for this place. Especially when there’s a similar property on the market a few streets away. We are hopeful, but that doesn’t mean we should place all our eggs in one basket. Telling our families might feel a little that way.

Tuesday, we’ve still heard nothing. My partner chases for some news. Still nothing. It’s Wednesday before we get an update. Our offer is too low, compared to the one they’ve had. So we put in a secondary offer. Going to the max we’re willing to for this property. We’re chain free, so that could still put us in a better position, even if our offer remains lower. Plus there’s always that similar property we’ve got booked in for the weekend. Not to mention all the others which keep popping up in my inbox. So we have other options. It would be a shame, since this place feels like a home. But nothing is ever a guarantee, and everything happens for a reason.

I’ve been playing around with a room designing app. I know roughly how we’d get our current furniture into the available spaces. If we don’t get this place, I can use it for whatever home we end up with. Admittedly, I’ve also been playing around with the options for how we could design the space after that. We know we want to update our furniture. And it’s fun playing around with it. Or at the very least, it’s a good way to kill time on my week off.

Thursday rolls in like a localised storm. The sellers claim the other offer is still higher. But since there’s a chain with them, they might consider ours if we increase it a little further. Our mortgage advisor has already told us he doesn’t think it’s worth the asking price. Plus the property we’re viewing at the weekend is practically identical, and on the market for less. A lot less. That definitely makes me reluctant to say yes.

We send a message to the estate agent, letting them know we’re sticking at our current offer for now. We then speak to our mortgage advisor again, who confirms our own feelings on it. It’s not worth as much as they want. So, unless they suddenly decide to go for our current offer, we’ve probably lost out there. But that’s okay. We have other options. We just need to keep moving forward.

What’s a little less okay, is how quiet Zelly is being. She was a little off first thing. And I only see her a couple of times after that. She’s looking really tired again. Obviously she doesn’t come out to play. And with her still sleeping under the sawdust, it’s hard to know what to do. This week feels like a bit of a roller coaster. Hopefully the weekend will bring more positivity back.

To be continued…

I found the space I needed to find myself

How have you adapted to the changes brought on by the Covid-19 pandemic?

Like many, lockdown was an opportunity for self reflection. It allowed me to find the courage to come out as asexual. It also gave me the space I needed to explore my gender identity. This eventually allowed me to come out as non-binary.

Much love to anyone else who found themselves, or found the strength to be themselves thanks to the pandemic.

Day off vs Work day

What are your morning rituals? What does the first hour of your day look like?

On days that I work, I get up and shower. Before writing, then watching YouTube with breakfast. 2 hours-ish of a morning that is mine, before heading into work.

On days off, I write first. Then exercise. Then shower. Then edit with breakfast. There are no set times for each activity. But what I’m doing with the rest of my day may change how long I have for all of it.