Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 107

balls profile: kumar sangakkara

Being that it is hard to combine his life as a cricketer with that of being a trainee Lawyer, he often takes out his work to the middle and leaves it with the umpire.  While at the non-strikers end he can often be seen looking over a contract or engaged in research for some litigation.  His batting is like being in a bath full of butter.  He is the king.  His captaincy is a bit more like leaving the butter out on a hot day and forgetting about it.  One day he will be so famous the world over ...

balls profile: Morne Morkel

There was a time when Morne Morkel was thought of as a potential all rounder, now he bats at 11.  He reminds me of a German shepherd I once owned.  It was a big strong animal that would scare anyone who saw it, but it was also afraid of butterflies.  Is proper scary on a good day, pace and bounce both come out of his large featureless appearance.  Of all modern test bowlers with any real skill, he is the most likely to bowl an over that would embarrass someone bowling for the first time. ...

balls profile: Kamran Akmal

There have been times when Kamran Akmal is wicket keeping when it is almost like he has forgotten what wicket keeping means.  On at least three occasions he has gone into the foetal position and started rocking as the bowler comes in to bowl.  As a batsman he is exciting, unpredictable and scores less runs than you think.  His face is spectacular.  Has been accused of match fixing for poor keeping, which is like accusing a legless man of running slowly on purpose.  In 2006 he was voted...

The Oldest Dismissal

I went to Lord's yesterday. Ostensibly, it was for a business trip, but as a part of it, it was necessary to visit the Media Centre.

As I sat there, marvelling at how, without Jrod, the place seemed bigger, quieter and less full of expletives, some cricket went on far below us. Middlesex were playing Leicestershire and Matthew Hoggard (remember him?) was having a field day.

The last of his six wickets saw Shaun Udal tamely spoon a ball to point, where Paul Nixon caught it easily.

That's Udal...

balls profile: Martin Guptill

A long lost relative of Roger Ramjet, Guptill has a jaw that a small South American village could be re-located to.  Guptill is the sort of player that just when you decide he is utter shit he plays a brilliant shot off a top bowler to change your mind.  Then he goes out, and you want to give him a hug.  If you put a knotted sweater around his neck he would look like he should be in some film about Harvard or Yale.  Due to a forklift accident he lost three toes.  He doesn't like it when you r...

Welcome to Sri Lanka

Many countries have pictures of their head of states in the airport.

It's pretty fucken useless, no one cares, and it makes the leader look like a dodgy dictator.

At Colombo airport they might do that, but I didn't see it.

What I saw was much better.

As you come through immigration, the king.

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Much better than a picture of some politician.

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balls profile: VVS Laxman

Has the hands of a surgeon.  Actually, has the whole body of a surgeon and the hair of a mid level executive.  Couldn't look less like a cricketer if he went out in a lab coat.  Considering his freakish natural attributes as a batsman, he has had a middling career.  Yes, he has been better than most, but so he should be, he's VVS Laxman.  Showed against Australia that he could dissect a live animal and put it back together again while playing an inside out cover drive out of the rough from a ...

balls profile: Jimmy Anderson

Was forging a great career for himself as a male model when England gave him a chance.  He chose cricket, as nothing puts a strain on your back more than the strain of catwalk shows.  When he is swinging the ball there is a sense that he can get anyone out in the world.  When he is not he becomes philanthropic and gives runs away at record rates.  Holds some sort of bullshit batting record that means shit.  Has one of the most unintentionally comical fast bowling scowls in modern cricket.

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Snuff Movie

I've never seen a snuff movie. Never had the chance to, never wanted to.

Ditto executions. Even in the olden days, when they held them in public, I doubt that I would have been one of those stood near the gallows or following the tumbril. It just isn't my kind of thing.

In fact, the closest I have ever come to any of this was watching a film about the Dignitas suicide clinic in Switzerland, watching as a number of very ill people (one of whom, sadly, I knew) took their final journey.

But today w...

balls profile: tamim iqbal

Has the plumpy ass and chunky thighs that are required to be a champion sub continental batsman.  Thinks Boycott is a dickhead, which does not single him out, but does show he has a fine brain.  Is a convert to the Church of Sehwagology.  Could be the most important cricketer in Bangladesh history, or one hell of a disappointment.  If he was in an American film with Jewish characters, someone would say he has chutzpah.  Unlike many Bangladeshi batsmen he isn't crap.

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