Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 111
July 20, 2010
Cricket Australia gets weird and kinky, but not in a good way
The best sex rarely needs gimmicks, toys, third parties, food, or handcuffs.
That is not to say that all these things can't be part of good sex, just that if you have to add them later because the sex is getting dull or repetitive, then something is wrong with the sex. And by definition it isn't the best sex.
This brings us to one day cricket and Cricket Australia.
They realise that the one day kind of sex is a bit stale, but instead of just doing it less – say each team playing their...
July 19, 2010
Inspired by Sachin – When Freddie Became Jesus: Sperm edition
With Sachin out there selling a book with his blood in it, I thought it was time for me to get in on the act.
If you would like a special edition limited release copy of When Freddie Became Jesus you can buy it for $10,000.
Every copy will have a genuine sample of my sperm in it.
Not just on one page either, I value my customers, I'll spread it out, inside the front and back cover, and spread liberally throughout the book at random intervals.
There will only be about 7 books with this special...
balls profile: Ishant Sharma
No cricketer has ever relied so heavily on their adam's apple. Tall, skinny and odd looking, this young guy came along to wow the international world with his love for Jason Gillespie and his ability to bring out the wrong batting gloves. When on fire can bowl very full, swing the ball and get steepling bounce, when bowling badly he resembles someone running barefoot on ice throwing cream pies. Early on he tormented Ricky Ponting, but since then has mostly tormented Indian fans who can't...
July 18, 2010
Marcus North makes waffles
If Marcus North is a toaster, his display the other day was the equivalent of a toaster making waffles.
When you put bread into the toaster you don't expect waffles to come out, but how cool would it be?
The problem is how often can you expect waffles from your new magic still unable to toast that well toaster.
Not often.
But, could you throw out a toaster that once made you waffles?
Maybe, but not straight away.
You'd keep it around to see if the weird shit keeps happening.
And that is the...
July 17, 2010
balls profile: Ben Hilfenhaus
Part Clydesdale, part man. Before trying to bring the art of out swing back to the people of Australia, he was a bricklayer. He uses his brickie hands, his brickie shoulder and his brickie mentality to bowl many overs for Australia until he gets injured and Australia call someone else in. It shows how tough test cricket is, because when he was a brickie he would get the rest of the brickies to throw bricks at him and he'd let them hit him for hours on end. Would look better with a...
July 16, 2010
Shahid Afridi Unplugged
For the download.
Available on itunes.
Here is the feed.
Thanks to Jesse Hogan of the age for providing the sound since I fucked up my recording.
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Shahid Afridi retires from test cricket
Shahid Afridi has retired from test match cricket, one match into his come back. He will play the next test, if his body holds up, and then he is off.
When asked when he decided to retire he said with the coolest shit eating grin I've seen in years:
"When I got out".
The man's press conference was as entertaining as any of his innings.
He was leaning forward, smiling laughing, cracking jokes and being honest.
He said he wasn't good enough for test cricket, wasn't interested in playing test match c...
balls profile: Salman Butt
Butt's name is unfortunate, and almost makes him sound like a crank call to Moe Szyslak. In real terms he brings a bit of middle class swagger to the Pakistan team. Against most teams he is a walking wicket. Against Australia he is a cricketer. Is a tremendous player square of the wicket, but generally ignores all other parts of the ground. Has a terrible test record but a lovely disposition, if he could keep the disposition and add test runs he could be a fine likable test cricketer...
July 15, 2010
I'm Irresponsible, So Please Can I Be An International Captain?
My lack of responsibility on the cricket pitch borders on the legendary. On one infamous occasion, I managed to turn an easy five wicket win into a narrow one wicket one (we were 132-5 chasing 137 to win) by attempting to hook a high full toss from a leg spinner and somehow edging it to slip, thus exposing a tail which included two complete rabbits and a Frenchman playing his first proper game of cricket. This situation was made all the worse by the fact that I had already hit fours off the p...
Previously at Lord's
Australia
The sort of professional performance you would expect from a bunch of well trained athletes, kind of boring. The batting wasn't great, but it was effective. Bowling was less so, but they'd have to collapse into mental bowls of tomato soup to lose.
Pakistan
Without the clouds gone they seemed to lack the sexual machismo required to put Australia away. The whole Hilfenhaus experience was proof that no matter who the captain is, no one can lose interest like the Pakistani cricket...
