Jarrod Kimber's Blog, page 106

balls profile: Rizwan Cheema

Canada's slogger. Hits every ball he faces to midwicket. This isn't true, but I've mostly seen highlights, and in the highlights he hits every ball to midwicket. Is a ringer, from Pakistan, but John Davison was a ringer, and look how that worked. The way he hits the ball he must be very close to an IPL deal. Also, with him around it gives us all more chances to say Canuck.

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balls profile: Simon Katich

That the Krab has a career at all is testament to the human spirit and proof that appearances do not matter.  Katich's early career was mostly shit.  Then he went off and made his technique even more unwatchable.  Some thought this meant he should be stood on by a giant boot, but that ridiculously ugly technique seems to work for modern Test Cricket.  Has now made himself into one of the few grizzled opening batsmen in world cricket.  Still fucks up close to hundreds a lot.  His popularity...

balls profile: Shakib Al-Hasan

There seems to be almost no proof of Shakib's existence before he topped the world's all-rounder rankings.  It was like he wasn't there, and then, wow, there he is.  Was made captain of the Bangladeshi team because he was the only one with a driver's license who had kissed a girl.  His left arm spin looks shit at times, but occasionally he gets it right.  Takes a lot of 5 wicket hauls, although at least some of them have to be because all other Bangladeshi bowlers are heaps shitter than...

Ricky Ponting claims 5 nil Ashes win in the bag

Ricky Ponting claims that when he showers an alien by the name of Pinky gives him a special directors commentary of Schindler's List from the right side of Steve Spielberg's brain.

Ricky Ponting claims he was the lindberg baby.

Ricky Ponting claims that in a previous life he was Jesus' butler.

Ricky Ponting claims that with the conditions in his team's favour that winning 5-0 is possible when asked it as a direct question.

OK, so hardly the same thing, but from the headlines you'd swear he...

balls profile: andrew strauss

Reminds most people of that guy they went to school with, you know the type, was always destined to do well, you liked him and all, but you could never remember a conversation you had with him.  Has the stiffest of stiff upper lips.  Performed his own version of the crusades when he convinced his teammates to go back to India after the Mumbai attacks.  Is a proper opening batsman, but has a reputation for being stodgier than he actually is.  Captains the English side in a modern public...

Live Sehwagology

Today I saw paradise, heaven and Johnny Cash's tour bus.

And I saw it all live.

I could smell buddha, touch jesus and share an iced cream with muhammad.

I was skating with angels.

All of this happened in a wonderful place called Dambulla.

The pitch was sticky, the batsmen tentative, and the bowlers on top.

That was until our hero walked in.

That plump little man without a number on his back.

While others tried to bat, he batted.

It was as if he knew one of most devout the sehwagologists was t...

balls profile: Daryl Tuffey

Spent a couple of years playing ICL cricket, few people noticed.  Is the sort of guy people say things like, "if he was only a little bit faster" about.  Has the skills of an opening bowler, but the face of a friendly PE teacher.  Has recently started batting as well, it is only a matter of time before he opens the batting for New Zealand.  Has a better record than you would think with the ball, but you don't think about him, no one does, you've been reading this for less than a minute and...

Jrod does not have dengue fever

Yes, I am in Sri Lanka.

Yes, I am in Dambulla.

Yes, I am in the kandalama hotel.

But, no, I do not have dengue fever.

I don't even have a cold.

Earlier in my trip i did throw up and shit myself at the same time.

In Dambulla, I have felt fine.

Yuvraj, who I saw at the buffet, looked fine as well.

I'm not saying he doesn't have dengue fever, just that if he had it, it looks a whole shitload better than my food poisoning from earlier in the week.

And to be honest, enough though I have heard of dengue...

balls profile: boyd rankin

It is a shame that Boyd Rankin wasn't around in the 1930s, because he would have made one hell of a monster actor.  Boris Karloff might have had a fight on his hands if they wanted a prettier Frankenstein.  Instead he exists now, although some debate this fact.  He is the one Irish bowler who bowls actually fast, and is as quick as almost any minnow bowler not from Afghanistan.  Is potentially tall for nothing, but is injured so often it is hard to tell.  Bowled one over in ICL cricket, it...

balls profile: Denesh Ramdin

Plays the cut shot like he was born to be a test cricketer.  Plays the rest like he won a raffle to be a test cricketer for the day.  If you wanted a replacement for Jeff Dujon, and you could only afford to buy one at Target, Ramdin is your man.  Is a tough little fella who obviously has a brain, but he just isn't that good at the keeping or batting business.  Has a poorer name that Chadwick Walton.  Seems to be desperate to stay on as an International cricketer, which is not a very West...