Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 9

Three Traits of Toxic People

In the sermon posted two weeks ago ( It’s Not Me, It’s You ), I talked about Jesus’ practice of walking away, something that, years ago, surprised me greatly. I didn’t have time to give an adequate definition of toxic people however, so this sermon seeks to equip God’s people to notice the signs of toxicity, the biblical alternatives to toxicity, and offer a few practical suggestions for what to do when you or someone you love runs into toxic people. My heart behind the sermon is also that we’d all seek to shun any toxic acts ourselves. In addition to becoming aware of toxic people’s hold on us, we should pray with David, “Search me, O God, and know my heart…”

Watch this sermon on Substack HERE.

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When Your Dreams Die Early (Remember They May Be Resurrected)

Have you ever worked hard at something you thought God was calling you to do–a relationship, a conversation, a book, a ministry–and it was met with near total silence? It’s so frustrating–you thought you were being obedient, and your efforts died an early death. Here’s an encouraging thought. We worship and serve a God of resurrection. If that dream was truly borne of Him, He has a history and a practice of taking old things and making them become new. I got to experience that last week and want to share about it.

Have you ever felt God call you to do something, you do it, and it’s met with…silence? It’s so excruciating. You thought you were supposed to have that conversation, pursue that relationship, preach that sermon, write that book, but your best efforts were swallowed up by apathy. Nobody cared.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you failed or that God didn’t call you to do it. Here’s the thing: you don’t know how it all ends yet. Dreams may appear to die, but we worship a God of resurrection.

One of my most frustrating publishing projects was Every Body Matters: Strengthening Your Body to Strengthen Your Soul. It’s a book about the connection between body care and discipleship. It’s not a how-to book about health and fitness. Rather, it’s about the motivation for fitness—us wanting to be “a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work” (2 Timothy 2:21). I wrote the book in 2010 and it was published in 2011.

While I have a long (twenty-five-year) and grateful history with Zondervan publishers, this was among the most frustrating experiences I’ve had there because the book was acquired by a team that loved the idea, but by the time the book came out, there was an entirely new team onboard that thought there simply wasn’t a market for the book, so they pulled virtually all of the marketing dollars. In their view, people who already valued fitness wouldn’t read such a book because they were already motivated, and people who didn’t value physical fitness wouldn’t want to read a book that might make them feel guilty.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Being Okay With Others Not Being Okay With You

If you want freedom from toxic people, you have to learn how to be okay with others not being okay with you.

Historically, I’ve been rather weak in this regard. I hate it when people aren’t okay with me. Even toxic people. That weakness gives them a power they don’t deserve and potential control that they love to exploit.

Read this blog on Substack HERE.

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Walking Away in Ministry: How Christian Leaders Should Handle Toxic People

Building on last week’s post about the apostles’ practice of walking away from toxic people (Walk Away Disciples), this week we’re looking at some very practical pastoral advice from Puritan Richard Baxter on how he handled toxic people in his congregation. Then, I discuss some of my own experience in dealing with such people and offer a few pastoral suggestions to preserve your heart and soul. The one thing I’ve found is that I’m never more tempted to act in a toxic manner than when I’m being attacked by a toxic person. This is a difficult trap to avoid, but as people who are called to love even our enemies, it’s one we must. 

Richard Baxter, a beloved Puritan pastor from the seventeenth century, warned young pastors that when it comes to toxic people, “Your first responsibility is to preserve the church from such people.”[i] Notice, it’s not to save the toxic person. It’s to protect the other people from the toxic person’s corruption. He seems to think that “converting” them is a lost cause: “If you try to correct them of their false ways, they will only turn to some other error.”[ii]

When I’ve seen ministries try to accommodate toxicity rather than confront it, the head woman or man usually goes. The situation becomes so messy and chaotic that the leader feels she or he must assume responsibility and resign. Toxic people will murder their boss’ jobs if they’re not dealt with. Baxter understood this: “When a fire is kindled, try to stamp it out from its inception. Do not even allow the smallest spark to blaze before you snuff it out. So go at once to all persons that you suspect of being infected. Counsel with them until you are sure that they have recovered from their bad spirit.”[iii]

This is Baxter’s way of saying to walk away from the toxic person, and then invest your time in the reliable people. Spend more time caring for the infected than the infector.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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It’s Not Me, It’s You

In his sermon “It’s Not Me, It’s You” at Cherry Hills Community Church, Pastor Gary Thomas tackled the delicate issue of toxic relationships with humor and biblical wisdom. He reminded us that while Jesus calls us to love others, He doesn’t ask us to put up with harmful behaviors that drain our joy and peace. Drawing from scriptures, Pastor Gary shared practical steps to set healthy boundaries, seek God’s guidance, and find the strength to walk away when necessary. He highlighted how God’s Word gives us the tools to discern and navigate toxic relationships gracefully—because sometimes, the best thing you can do is say, “Bless you and walk away.”

Watch this sermon HERE on Substack.

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The Walk Away Disciples

We’re featuring my book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People this week and next, as I’m also preaching on this topic at Cherry Hills Community Church. The sermons (which we’ll post on Fridays for all subscribers) offer a general introduction to Jesus’ strategy of walking away from toxic people rather than continually engaging them. Here, on the paid side, I’m offering two chapters that needed to be cut from the original book due to its length. If you have not noticed, books tend to be getting shorter and shorter due to costs and attention spans. In this case, the publisher liked the chapters but believed focusing on Jesus was sufficient; readers didn’t need another chapter talking about how the disciples did the same. But I was blown away while studying how earnestly Paul, Peter and even John (the apostle of love) taught and practiced the art of walking away. So I’m happy to share that here this week on the blog, as I think these three men make some very excellent and helpful points about how to handle toxic people.

Read this blog on Substack HERE.

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That Look

Something that happened after the recent election caught my eye. While being introduced by President Trump as our nation’s next vice president, Usha Vance gave her husband J.D. a look that every man pines for. Wives, this is what that look looks like, why such a look matters, and what it can do for your marriage.

I challenge husbands far more often than I challenge wives in this Substack, which I think follows the apostle Paul’s pattern of putting the ultimate challenge on men (that whole “Love your wives like Christ loved the church, who gave himself up for her” thing). But as a pastor, I work with so many men who pour themselves out for their families, often getting little recognition or appreciation. No need for us to complain, men: loving our families is our job and a servant shouldn’t expect thanks (Luke 17:9). But I wish wives knew how even a little gesture can mean so much to a man. One man told me, “When my wife compliments me, I can live on that compliment for months.”

Not hours. Not days. Not weeks. Months.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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America’s Summit: Three Common Values as Christians Face Election Day

Many bloggers and podcasters have told pastors what they should preach to their congregations about the election. But when you preach to a real church filled with people you know, love and respect, generalities don’t always apply. A church in Texas might need a different sermon than a church in Washington or Colorado. I don’t preach “generic” sermons to a people I’ve never met when I preach at Cherry Hills Community Church. And I was thrilled with the response from the many members who told me this sermon was exactly what they needed to hear right before the election. It might not fit your community, but if you’d like to listen in, here you go!

Watch this sermon on Substack HERE.

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Where Is Your Gethsemane?

Last week, we posted two interviews I did with Focus on the Family on my book Sacred Pathways: Discover Your Soul’s Path to God. We also included an audio link for the first chapter. This week, I want to follow up with a written version of the second chapter, “Where is Your Gethsemane?” In a time of great uncertainty and challenge, thinking about how you best connect with God, hear from God, and spend time with God is more crucial than ever. Spending time with God is the spiritual ballast that will keep you weighted in the stormy seas of life. Finding a way to spend time with God that fits you–a way that you’ll miss if you miss it–is one of the great delights of walking this life with God. 

Next week, we will send out the free post on Monday–in just three days–because I’m preaching a sermon this weekend at Cherry Hills on the upcoming election, and I’d like some of you to have access to it before the election happens. Spiritual preparation is half the battle. Whether the election results encourage you, scare you, or (like so many of us) make you feel relieved that the whole lying, gaslighting charade has finally ended, I pray that a few key biblical truths can help us put everything into perspective. 

Read this blog on Substack HERE.

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A Tale of Two Cities: Great in the Sight of the Lord

I realize I keep jerking you all around a little bit by sharing bits of books in progress, but I have several going on right now. The publishing calendar delayed by an entire year when my next book will be released, but I haven’t stopped writing so they’re kind of piling up. This excerpt is chapter three from my book on living out of God’s divine affirmation. It’s a clarion call that until we decide who we will live for and who we seek to please, we will never know the power of living out of God’s affirmation.

“Woe to the man that hath his portion in this life! O miserable health, and wealth, and honor, which procureth the death, and shame, and utter destruction of the soul!”

Richard Baxter[i]

God must have known that John the Baptist’s spiritual call would make him seem weird, abrasive, and an outcast. How could he get such a servant ready? What vision could he give him to replace what he knew John wouldn’t get from the world? John would have to derive courage from an entirely different realm because there would be no encouragement, no praise, no succor from this world to keep him going.

God prepared John the Baptist for a life of human alienation and suspicion by pouring out abundant divine affirmation. Before John was even born, an angel said, “he will be great in the sight of the Lord.”[1]

That sentence, “great in the sight of the Lord” is where divine affirmation is born. It is contrasted in the Bible with “great in the sight of the world.”

You could spend an entire afternoon trying to count how many times “Babylon” appears in the Bible.[2] She is the very picture of human greatness. She is called the “glory of kingdoms” (Isaiah 13:19) and often referred to as “Babylon the Great” (Revelation 17:5, 18:2). But these monikers are meant to be read as worldly evaluations, almost with sarcasm. “She seems so great and mighty, but watch her fall…”

In contrast to Babylon the Great is Jerusalem, “the Holy City” (Revelation 21:2). Notice the intentional difference in language. One city is “great” in the eyes of the world; another city is “holy,” i.e., set apart for God, great in the sight of God.

Do you want to be “great” in the sight of the world or “holy” and great in the sight of God?

Do you want to be defined by how the world views you or by how God views you?

Continue reading this post on Substack HERE.

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